Chapter Text
The next morning Lavellan woke by the soft rays of sunshine flickering on her face. Her hair was all over the place and as she stretched she noticed she was sleeping in the middle of the bed, Solas nowhere to be found. She sat up half way, resting against her elbows as she tried to wake up fully. Lavellan rubbed a hand over her face and let out a deep breath; did she dream what happened last night or did Solas actually... She couldn't even finish the thought it in her own mind before her whole body grew too hot to keep the blanket on top of her. That was fucking stupid. Lavellan started to pace back and forth in the hut shaking her head as she tried not to have a full on panic attack. She was rudely interrupted by a knock on the door and her eyes flicked to her clothes, or lack thereof.
“Who is it?”, she yelled out in panic, hurrying to grab her pants before slipping into them. She was out of breath as she opened the door, coming face to face with Dorian. Relief washed over her and she smiled awkwardly with too much teeth before she shrugged. Dorian frowned and seemed to consider asking her why she was acting weird but something grave fell over his face before he let his gaze drop.
“Lavellan...”. Lavellan? Dorian was her closest friend but he never called her that. It was a inside joke at this point; he was the only person she was comfortable with calling her by her name, but also the only person that refused to do so. She stopped breathing for a moment, her eyes desperately darting over his face to see if there were any answers there.
“Spit it out-”
“They found her this morning”
Lavellan felt like someone had punched her in the gut. She knew instantly who he was talking about. Dorian met her gaze and his face mirrored hers; his eyes slightly glazed and filled by guilt. The tears in her eyes were so heavy they threatened to break like a dam.
“And the father?”. Lavellan's eyes darkened. She was going to kill him. With her own bare hands. He wasn't going to have the pleasure of living another second-
“He's gone”
A long pause fell and Lavellan felt something inside her die. She must have been staring out into the air for a while because Dorian's guilt had shifted into worry.
“Tell Solas to talk to the Hahren. To inform him we are leaving”
She didn't wait for confirmation before she closed the door, her hands moving automatically as she started to pack her bag. She didn't really know if she had cried while doing it, only that she felt hollow as she walked past the tents and huts. The elves were whispering but it all got drowned by the constant buzzing sound in her ears. If only the earth could swallow her and give her reprieve from this hell. Even her horse sensed something was off as she put his saddle on. Dorian and Bull were already there, passing glances between them they thought she didn't notice.
“Inquisitor”. Solas' voice was professional, as well as the distance he put between them. She looked no further than to the wolf jawbone pendant resting on his chest.
“I talked with the Hahren. They are sad to see us leave so soon but they want to be our ally in the coming fight against Corypheus”
“I don't care”
Solas didn't give her a reply. Didn't retort or reprimand her for brushing him off. Lavellan climbed into her saddle and gave her horse a firm kick to the side. The others weren't far behind her as they galloped for what seemed like hours.
It was past sundown before she slowed down, her cheeks burning red from the cold and her body stiff. None of them had said anything on the ride. Lavellan dropped down to the ground, her knees almost buckling as she leaned against her horse for support. She couldn't shake the feeling that she had contributed to what happened. She didn't deal the killing blow but the fathers anger was surely greater in the aftermath of her confronting him. Her chest ached as the memory of her cold, clammy hands came into mind. He said he was going to beat me... And this time he didn't mind if my bruises showed, because he wasn't going to stop until I stopped moving... and breathing.
Lavellan felt an arm on her shoulder and she gave Dorian a half glance before looking away again. She heard him sigh before letting his hand fall.
“We've set up camp. Your tent as well”
She just nodded and let her stiff fingers glide under the saddle to warm them. Her forehead rested against her horses neck, her eyes squinted shut.
“Falon'Din enasal enaste... Ir abelas”. The words hang heavy in the air before her brooding got interrupted.
“Does he have a name?”
Lavellan kept her eyes shut in hopes that he would go away. Any second now and he would probably tell her that it wasn't her fault, that she did all she could to prevent the inevitable; lies to soothe her ego. Or he'd insult her, and she didn't know which of them would be worse, although she assumed he at this point knew which one would irk her the most.
“Revas”, she sighed, her voice lacking emotion. Masking her feelings had become second nature after she joined the Inquisition. Anger was the only emotion she felt safe practicing because it passed as being passionate. She never dwelled in her other feelings; she had stopped doing that a long time ago.
“Revas”. Solas practiced the name on his tongue, and even though her eyes were still shut she heard the curiosity in his voice.
“You named your horse freedom?”
It was a rhetorical question because Solas knew Elvhen perfectly well, and even though he oftentimes liked to remind Lavellan of her lack of knowledge, he didn't seem to believe that the name was picked at random. She hadn't really thought it through and there was no way in hell she would tell him that story – why she had chosen it. Lavellan turned around and fluttered her eyelashes as she stroked Revas' mane.
“Is that what it means? I just picked it because it sounded pretty”. She met his eyes and for a second she thought she would be embarrassed, because the last time their gazes met was when he had seen her half naked. Judging by the look on his face he knew she was lying but seemed unfazed by it, as if he relished the challenge in it. It pissed her off, really; most people would take the hint and walk away, but then again she'd never met anyone like him.
“May I touch him?”
“He doesn't like strangers”
Solas stepped a little closer to Revas, his body language calm as he reached out his fisted hand towards his snout. The horse neighed as a soft warning but his nostrils flared as Solas opened his hand to reveal some berries.
“Bribing him into liking you then?”
“Some would see it as a bribe, yes. Others a gift-”. Revas ate the berries and kept oddly calm as Solas placed his hand over his snout, stroking it reverently.
“But what it really is, Inquisitor, is fulfilling a need”
Lavellan's mouth opened half way as Solas turned and gave her a smug half smile. Was he still talking about her horse? He didn't give her time to ponder before his demeanor changed to something more serious.
“Send a message to Leliana while the image of him is still fresh in your mind. Her spies should have no trouble finding him”
Lavellan swallowed and nodded on reflex, the little hope he had managed to light in her shaking her out of her miserable mood. She could still be brought justice, even if it was in the afterlife.
“Revas”, Solas repeated quietly as he took a step away from her horse. Lavellan's eyes followed him as he turned around to walk away, shifting his head to the side for one last comment.
“It's not pretty – but the fight to achieve freedom rarely is”
She let out a soft scoff at his words and gave Revas a kiss on his snout, her Elvhen words a whisper.
“Don't listen to him, Revas. You're the prettiest horse there is”. A soft bob of Revas' head made her giggle quietly, and as she turned to head back to the bonfire she caught all three eyeing her as if nervous about her state. Lavellan frowned and sat down beside Dorian who instantly put an arm around her.
“I'm sorry...”, he whispered while his chin rested on her shoulder, giving her a little squeeze. She let the side of her head rest against his forehead as she let out a sigh; they weren't going to let this go until they were reassured she was alright. It annoyed her, really, but she knew she was the odd man out; being cared for wasn't supposed to feel like an intrusion – she knew that very well. Still, it felt wrong accepting it, even though Dorian was her closest friend.
“I am too”, she replied simply and gave him a look of 'this is the best you're going to get' and Dorian rolled his eyes. As Lavellan turned her gaze forward again she saw Solas observing them. Dorian raised a brow and elbowed her.
“How does it feel to be single again, Inquisitor?”. Lavellan pushed him off her and shook her head; this was not a conversation she wanted to have when the feeling of Solas' fingers were still fresh in her mind. She wasn't sure if she came fast because it had been ages since anybody touched her – hells she hadn't even touched herself for a long time, or if he simply knew exactly what to do to get her there. Lavellan would settle for the first answer, the second making her shift and bite the inside of her cheek.
“That bad, huh?”, Dorian said as he watched her space out, seemingly in her own mind. She realized she had been staring at Solas' fingers and she cleared her throat before shrugging, her arms crossing over her chest as a protective mechanism.
“Nothing a night of sleep won't remedy, I presume”. Lavellan met Solas' eyes as he spoke and the double entendre didn't go unnoticed by her. Little did he know that last night was the best sleep she'd had in months, the orgasm he gave her knocking her out to such a degree that her worries and stress were non-existent – at least until morning when she realized what she'd done. And well, everything after that... She didn't want to linger on it.
“I agree. At least we don't have to share beds anymore”, Lavellan retorted letting him know she won't miss him, tension hanging in the air between them only for a second before Bull scoffed.
“Speak for yourself – Hey, Dorian by the way, do you want those silken underthings back or were they a gift?”. Dorian's hands came up to his face, a deep sigh leaving him. Lavellan had to bite down on her lips not to burst out laughing; and she definitely would have if she didn't already know they had slept together. Solas stood up and smacked his lips before he walked towards the tents.
“And that's my sign to say good night”, he mumbled under his breath before disappearing into his tent.
“Discretion isn't your thing, is it?”, Dorian mumbled to Bull, his gaze slightly scolding only to be met by a wide grin.
“He just needed a good excuse to come back, Bull”, Lavellan said and winked at her friend before standing up as well.
“Don't keep us up – that's an order, not a request”, she added with a pointed finger before going into her own tent.
Lavellan picked up a note and quill as soon as she entered, starting to write down what she could remember of the Elvhen man. It wasn't a lot but it would have to do. She secretly hoped his nose was still crooked after she punched him. They would return to Skyhold tomorrow and there would be other matters to attend to when they got there, but she didn't want to let this go. Solas' advice had meant a lot to her, regardless of whom it came from. It wasn't that his proposition hadn't already passed her mind, but the fact that he spoke up about it, giving her the confirmation that it was worth pursuing – she didn't have to give up hope yet. Did she have to pretend that it was his idea? Yes, but it was worth swallowing her pride for something bigger and more meaningful than proving herself to him.
She put the note into an envelope and pushed it into her backpack before she sat down on her bedroll, dragging her shoes off. As soon as she laid her head down the soft smell of earth and grass hit her, and she couldn't help but swallow thickly as heat pooled between her legs. She frowned and blinked in offense when she realized the earthy scent had reminded her of him, and that's why she was tingling all of the sudden. Lavellan gaped and cursed her treacherous body before she turned to her side, refusing to address the issue. It had been easy to pretend she didn't have needs when her body hadn't been touched in three winters, but what happened last night had definitely stirred something in her that she forgot even existed. To no surprise it was pissing her off knowing that this freckled, bald elf had gotten her off like it was nothing, and was now haunting her previously pleasant experience with the smell of nature...
Lavellan stood in the crowd of elves, before them the sight of earth recently stirred. As she pushed forward she saw the Hahren plant a small tree into the soft surface, his face filled by sorrow.
“We offer this form to the sky, the sea, and the earth... A third we give to the sky, to share your story with the sun and moon... A third we give to the sea, to share your story with the heart of the world... And a third returns to the soil, to blossom once again into life... Falon'Din enasal enaste. Ir abelas, da'len”
Lavellan felt her knees almost buckle; a child she had been and a child she would forever remain. She had no control over the tears that started to pour from her. The skies turning dark and thunder rumbling in the distance. As the elves left she remained as the sky cracked open and the rain mingled with her tears. A sob leaving her for every devastating truth; there was no mother mourning by her grave. Her father's only gift – the mercy of robbing her of ever feeling pain again. She could have saved her. She could have saved her. She could have saved her but she failed. Her roar echoed in tandem with the thunder, the air feeling cold and thick.
“You should not dwell here, Lavellan”
Lavellan turned to meet Solas' softened eyes, her own red and burning from her tears. He let out a understanding sigh and reached out his hand. She walked over and let her body crash against his with her hands limp by her side, a strangled sob leaving her as he reluctantly embraced her.
“You feel quite strongly”, he remarked in a whisper, sounding mildly alarmed. The rain was already easing up as she looked up at him, and he bobbed his head towards the skies.
“You made the sky shed tears as well...”, he pointed out, his wet lashes glued together. Her eyes darted between his before she rubbed her nose on her sleeve.
“Did you know you have purple in your eyes?”, she mumbled back, his mouth twitching into a gentle genuine smile before he nodded. Lavellan let out a shuddering breath before she leaned in to kiss him, her eyes closing...
As her eyes opened again she stared at the ceiling of the tent, her face feeling stiff from her dried tears. Her heart felt heavy in her chest. Lavellan's lip trembled as she turned to the side and curled into the fetal position, her eyes closing in hopes that she wouldn't wake again until dawn.