Chapter Text
Harry couldn't believe it. What did he do now?
He was walking back to the castle, his head in a spin. He wasn't sure if he'd done anything wrong and also, he had like no dating experience, but he went over everything he'd said and couldn't find anything wrong with it. He was doing his best and were never disrespectful. He thinks it was because of Cedric and didn't really wanted to talk about him, but Cho gets all emotional about and he doesn't know what to say, it was all so stressing for a first date.
They were supposed to have a nice time and get along, they were on a fucking date after all, they should be able to talk about anything, but she always ended up bringing it the thing about Cedric, and he didn't know how to feel about it because he likes Cho and...obviously he is very aware that she and Cedric were together. Cedric was really a good guy and he knew she missed him so much, which is totally fine, but it was hard knowing that now he wasn't there anymore and she still cried for him.
He had a very vivid memory about that day, his mind takes him back to that dark moment that still remembers like a nightmare. It's inevitable sometimes, even though he tried hard to hide it deep in his mind. It was painful to think about it and it was difficult to be with Cho knowing all that, and it was even more so when she spoke of him with tears in her eyes.
At first he was not sure about the date but then he thought a more formal date might change things, but it seemed Cho acted even more strangely than usual. He couldn't even tell Hermione the truth because he felt ashamed. In the wake, he found himself distracted by analyzing the entire encounter; even the other moments they had before, and found them tangled up with other memories he didn't like to recall.
He reached one of the entrances and didn't stop to look where he was going. His long walk took him near the Herbology classroom, where he normally wouldn't go unless necessary, but it served him well as he walked lost in his thoughts.
All of a sudden, he felt a pain in his foot and saw that a plant with large vines had grabbed his leg. As he tried to free himself, he tripped and knocked over a flowerpot. The loud bang of it hitting the floor startling him.
"Shit!" He says feeling pissed, trying to fix the plant that was making strange movements. When he looked up, he saw a pair of gray eyes watching him from the garden. At first, the mocking curve of a smile appeared but in an instant it disappeared because the guy opted to roll his eyes instead, and Harry was already expecting a couple of condescending comments.
"Can't see where you walk, Potter? Are you really that blind." He said clearly in a mocking tone. This time, it was Harry who rolled his eyes.
"Shut up, Malfoy!" He replied with a sigh because this encounter was the last thing he needed right now. He took a minute to look around, there were hundreds of pots with different strange plants, although there was also an area covered in green grass with a small tree in the center and a stone bench. He positioned himself a little further away from the plants and turned to see Malfoy, who was standing a few steps in front of him.
"The date didn't go well, huh?" Malfoy smiled at him, and Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. How did Malfoy found out about his date?
"What do you mean?" He replied more calmly, hoping he could lie about it.
"Everyone knows you went on a date today with Chang. Didn't you?" Malfoy raised both eyebrows.
"How's that everyone knows?" He asked, still confused and feeling nervous. This was the worst thing. Ever.
"Girls gossip all the time and I like gossip. It's very informative," says Malfoy, strangely amused.
"Brilliant." Harry snorts.
"So... How was it?" He asks with interest, and Harry looks at him as if he's looking at a lunatic.
"Why do you even care?" Harry says, genuinely annoyed. He brushes off the dried dirt that has settled around his knees from his trousers.
"I'm just gossipy." He says, shrugging. Malfoy leans against one of the garden columns, looking at the mess he left of leaves and dirt all over the floor.
"Oh right, so you would like to spread it around?" Harry replies defensively.
"Yeah, probably, but now I'm really invested. Like, let's make a deal. If I tell you something personal, will you tell me about it?" Harry's brows twist. What the fuck is happening?
He shouldn't even be thinking about his proposal because it's Malfoy he's talking to, but for some reason, he's actually thinking about it. He's definitely up to something.
"Like what?" He asks not so sure.
"Something no one knows." Draco retorted smirking persuasively.
"Why would you tell me something no one knows? I don't really trust you. How can you?" Harry says, now truly confused and astonished by the confession. Never in his life had he imagined hearing something like that coming from him.
"I know we're not as friendly to each other, but if the rumors are true, I know you're a good person. You wouldn't tell because if you do, that'll be really low." He says confidently, as if it were any other conversation and none other than with his school enemy. Harry remains very distrustful of his intentions, yet he thinks he's suspicious and wants to play along.
"How can I know that's true? That you haven't told anyone." Harry finds himself asking and sees the blond raise his brows drew together.
"Oh believe me, no one knows. You'll notice it in a bit." Malfoy's mouth curved into a weird smile.
"So why don't you tell me if you're already sure I won't tell anyone. " He says, thinking more about the situation because it really was unusual; he still didn't believe a word of it.
"I will if you promise to tell me how your date went. I need the tea, that's the point." Says Malfoy in an effusive voice. Harry thinks about it, this is definitely very suspicious. He still doesn't know in what sense, but he really tried to think about what he had to gain by knowing how their date went.
"Okay, I promise." He says and Malfoy smiles even bigger.
"Really? Pinky promise?" He asks in a squeaky tone he hadn't heard from him before, only when he complained of pain, like in third or second year. It's still weird, maybe Malfoy had been cursed, even though he wasn't visibly affected. What the fuck is wrong with him, maybe he needs to take him to the Hospital Wing.
"Sure, why not?" Harry says resigned. After all, he also wanted to know what Malfoy would say to him. In the first place, he couldn't even imagine why he would say something intimate about him. He was probably just making fun of him and he was worrying for him for nothing.
"Okay, you really can't take that back." He says to reassure.
"Right." Harry says tiredly, waiting for the blond's nonsense. Malfoy smiles and then looks down, his expression closed up looking a little concerned.
"Mmmm...well. I don't know what can I say? " He says, pretending to think about it, but Harry had realized he knew what he meant from the start. He was about to mock him, and Harry was just waiting to hex him when it happened. Unless he realized he'd been hexed before.
"Just say it!" He says desperately because he really doesn't know what he's doing there talking to him. He just wants to leave and not talk to anyone until they completely forget about his existence.
"All right. I'm queer." Draco says suddenly, and Harry isn't sure he heard correctly.
"You're what?" He asks in awe.
"Queer. I like blokes. Are you also deaf or something?" Malfoy says in his normal mocking tone, but his voice sounds affected.
"Oh." He says, the realization hitting him like a bucket of water. "Oh!" Did Malfoy really just say something like that? Was this still part of the joke?
"Yeah, so if you tell anyone, you're a bad person. Really, really bad person." He says, his tone more accusatory but still unsure.
"Okay, I won't tell." Harry replies. For once, Malfoy was right. He couldn't possibly repeat his secret to someone. It was personal, and if he was playing a prank on him, at least no one would know.
"Thanks. So...the date?" He says, bringing Harry back to the real reason they were having this conversation.
"Oh right! It was a disaster." He says now, feeling less attacked than at first. He still needs to think more deeply about what he'd just been told, but for now, he'd have to repeat what happened a few hours ago.
"Tell me all the details." Then Harry proceeds to carefully talk about what happened, withholding some details, obviously, just to see Malfoy's reaction, which, incredibly, was never rude at all. Later, lying in his bed, he pondered the events of the day.
So all that really happened?
Harry went on a date with the girl he liked, for the first time in his life, on February 14th in the corniest, most horrible looking place possible. Then he explained everything that happened to him that day Voldemort returned to Rita Skeeter so she can published on Luna's magazine and finally, he also had a whole conversation with none other than Draco Malfoy about his bad date. He even made fun of him for not noticing a lot of things about girls, like that Cho was actually jealous of Hermione, which was stupid, but Draco made sense of it, and then Harry really felt stupid. He also called him insensitive.
He didn't even care that Malfoy started rumors about what happened on their date because he knew Cho would tell her friends anyway, and everyone would eventually find out anyway.
He couldn't even think about all that anymore, because he was a little nervous about the interview and also all he could think about was the conversation with the boy. He actually thought about that whole interaction because it was quite odd, like they haven't never spoke properly before. They didn't even argue during their conversation, it was like talking to a classmate. Something like that.
Maybe the whole 'Malfoy being gay' thing changed his personality for the better, or maybe someone had actually cast like a happy spell on him, and now he was more tolerable. And maybe it's the side effects of the plant that attacked him, because now he can't stop thinking that talking to him was the least terrible part of his day.
•
Harry went to the restrooms before dinner. He was tired so he walked very slow. He hadn't rested properly in a while and even a few minutes of peace in the empty restroom were enough. He went in, and as he expected, no one was occupying any space. He took off his glasses and splashed water on his face to wake himself up a bit. He stared at the mirror for a moment and looked at his reflection.
He looks at how his green eyes shine under the lights, even with the dark marks under them. He knew his father was rather handsome and they say Harry truly reflected him completely, but he didn't really considered himself as pretty. His mother would surely be upset if he confessed that to her, after all, it was her eyes that were looking at his reflection.
He never had anyone who complimented him on something or be nice to him until he met Hadrig, had been told the truth and got to Hogwarts, where everyone already made an opinion of him because they knew all those things about him except (of course) himself. It was so strange, even the youngest people like Ron knew about him, but then he met him and his family who reminded him how welcome he was in their home and honestly it is a blessing to him, they didn't talk about the things they say about him, they were just there for him.
All that information makes him overthink things, like with Cho, he didn't knew at what point he started liking her 'cuz like he didn't really know her, he only knew that she is pretty and was good at Quidditch and then that somehow she was attracted to him too, he never really knew why, he's not even sure if it was really because she was all way attracted to him.
He can't imagined being like his father, he wasn't like him as much as he wanted to be. He is just Harry that is too skinny, Harry who has a horrible scar on his forehead, Harry who inherited giant clothes from his cousin, Harry who has wild hair that it couldn't comb in the right way, Harry who has a horrific connection with the Dark Lord that make him feel angry, Harry who wasn't perfect like they all think. He could just never be as cool as James or Sirius or as intelligente like his mother.
It wasn't right, nothing felt right. He always imagined someone loving him for who he was, without hesitation. He wasn't perfect at anything, but at least maybe if he was kind enough, maybe someone would. If someone ever fell in love with him, it would have to be for who he is and not what others think he is. Maybe it will never happen; he has more important things to worry about now, though that doesn't mean he doesn't want it to happen. Even now... now that his life is more like hanging by a thread and all...
"Looking in the mirror much?" Someone says next to him, and he flinches. When he looks at the boy, he notices it was Malfoy. Again.
Harry rolls his eyes and puts his glasses back on. "I was just thinking. You should try it some time."
"Think about what? Maybe that your hair's messier than usual?" Malfoy says in his normal, mocking tone.
"Not exactly, but thanks for noticing." Harry says, more subdued.
"It's strange, but it looks good on you." Malfoy says, seeming surprised by his own words. He ducks into a cubicle, leaving Harry equally surprised.
"Thanks, I guess?" He says more quietly.
He stands there contemplating whether to leave or ask the question he'd been meaning to ask ever since he found out, and why he'd wanted to meet him again, alone like this.
"I heard you're dating Greengrass?" He says a little louder so he can hear him. He saw them together actually, she looked so into him, but Malfoy looked like fighting inside for not to be bored while she was talking about something really passionately. Then he heard people talking about them and how perfect they looked together.
"Who's the gossip now?" Malfoy says more condescendingly.
"Is that true? But I thought you were..." Harry begins, but is cut off.
"Yes, I am." Malfoy says quickly. The toilet flushes, and he walks through the door to where Harry is at the lavatories.
"So it's just a rumor?" He asks more confused.
"No, but like I told you, no one knows." Malfoy doesn't look at him directly, but Harry does. His shirt is unbuttoned at the neck and his tie is loosened. His sleeves are rolled down to his forearms, and Harry runs his eyes over those patches of pale skin where even his blue veins are visible.
"Are you with her to cover you?" He asks more cautiously. Malfoy turns off the tap and pauses. Harry looks at him expectantly, and as he turns to look at him, he notices how he looked very distraught.
"Something like that." He gulps and his head is down and Harry winced. He doesn't really know the reasons why Malfoy doesn't want to tell anyone, but he can get an idea.
"Oh. Sorry." He says and he truly means it.
"Don't be." Malfoy purse his lips. They both look at each other directly, Harry getting a little nervous as Malfoy's eyes seem to be scanning him. "Blimey, you're so..." He pauses. Harry looks at him strangely. Was he about to insult him this time?
"...kind," Malfoy finishes, and Harry looks at him curiously because it was the last thing he expected to come out of his mouth.
Harry lets out a nervous laugh. "Is that bad?" He asks him confused, without turning to look at him because he feels his face heating up.
"No, but it's... maddening." Malfoy smiles, but his smile fades to a grimace. As if he's trying to hide it.
"Sorry?" Harry says, unsure of what to say.
"Just don't." Malfoy puts a hand on his shoulder for a few seconds, then quickly lowers it. Head down, he quickly approaches the door, and Harry watches him leave.
"Okay." He says to himself, still too confused and a little in shock. He keeps having these conversations with Malfoy that make no sense.
•
Harry arrived at the Astronomy classroom before all his classmates. He wasn't very hungry or eager to see everyone staring at him, and it was a long walk, so he took it easy. He felt tired, his empty mind was a relief for now, a moment of calm and tranquility was what he needed.
When he reached the bottom step, the door was still open. He entered the classroom and looked around. There was still light illuminating the furniture above the windows.
"Hey." Said a distant voice from where the balcony. As he walked a little further, he saw it was a blond boy he would recognize anywhere. He hasn't seen him much since the article about his interview came out, all the children of the Death Eaters he named, whispered violently to each other whenever they saw him. But Malfoy's shadow was absent between them, they had only connected glances a couple of times and Malfoy just looked down, almost as if he was ashamed.
"Oh, hi." Harry said, approaching him. "What are you doing here?" He asked. Weirdly, why would he ask him that? He didn't remember seeing Malfoy very interested in studying Astronomy, although he didn't really know, since they had never had that class together.
"I just stayed after class. I didn't feel like going to eat." Malfoy tells him in a different tone he'd never heard before, it was calmer and more tired. He wasn't boastful or defensive, as he always had been.
"Same." Nervously, he runs his hands over the cold balcony railing. At any moment Malfoy could cast a curse on him, but for some reason he knew he wouldn't actually do it. "Why are you up here?" The question slips out, he shouldn't be talking to him, but he was anyway.
"I don't know. I like this view. It makes me feel insignificant." He says in a deep tone. He even lets out a sigh, still staring at the horizon.
"And that's a good thing?" Harry smiles confused. He doesn't understand why anyone would want to feel that way. He knew what it was like, he was reminded of it every time he was on Privet Drive.
"Of course. Just think about it. The more insignificant something is, the less important. Putting it into perspective, looking at everything from here reminds me that I'm not important compared to the magnitude of this place. I'm only a thousandth of all space. It means nothing really matters. It doesn't matter what I think, what other people think, what my parents think..." Malfoy continued to stare toward the distant mountains. Even without using the telescope, Harry had the feeling he was imagining himself in that place surrounded by trees that, from where they were now, were just green blobs.
He doesn't know what to say. If it were anyone else, he'd tell them they're important. But he had the feeling it wasn't something Malfoy wanted to hear coming from him. "That makes sense. Just don't say you're insignificant, because you're not."
"I don't know. That's the whole point." He says indiferent.
"Believe me, I know what it's like to be thought of as unimportant. It feels like...," He pauses. "You don't really want that." Harry replies in a quiet voice.
"Who told you that?" Malfoy frowns at him. Harry has a chance to look at him more closely, his eyes looking dull and he had a less marked expression as when he remembered him looking angrily.
"My aunt and uncle. I live with them, they're Muggles but you already knew that." Harry says with a hint of embarrassment, having never told anyone else who didn't know his aunt and uncle about how they treated him.
"Are all Muggles that terrible?" The question makes Harry laugh and Malfoy's eyes now looked more gentle than afflicted.
"No, apparently just them." Harry swallows hard.
"Sorry." Harry just shrugs. It was strange to know that Malfoy now knew about his aunt and uncle too and that he hadn't made fun of him for it.
"My father...he used to make me feel so out of place, like I'd been doing everything wrong since I was born. I used to cry in my room, even the house-elf sometimes tried to comfort me. The first few years here, I thought would be better, but even his letters made me cry. Now I just,...I don't even care anymore. Well, more like, I don't want to care what he thinks of me, but sometimes it does, and it's hard." He watches as Malfoy runs the palm of his hand over his chest, rubbing it, as if that will soothe him.
"Sorry, I don't know much about that but you're his son, he should take care of you and make sure you're okay. I mean you were just a kid, you still are." Malfoy's downward gaze turns to look at him, wearing a sad smile. Harry didn't like looking at it.
"Maybe, but... it is what it is." Harry stares at him for a few seconds, their gazes connecting and he also notices his gray eyes with red marks around them. Should he try to comfort him? But then, Draco's voice cuts his thoughts.
"That day when You-Know-Who came back. I know what happened, I've heard him talking about it. He's just a bloody hypocrite. When he tells me how I have to do things in the most perfect way and he's out doing those things. It disgusts me." Draco looks at him with teary-eyes, and glowing in anger. Like he wanted him to say something. But Harry doesn't know what to say, that was really unexpected.
Now that he thought about it more, Malfoy hadn't been the same since they went back to school that year, he no longer made fun of him or mocked him. Only sometimes, he did see him laugh at the things his friends said but he did nothing else. No more comments, no fighting, not trying to get in his business or encouraging Umbridge like the other Slytherins did.
So they look at each other, with tension wrapping them up and Harry it's so lost on how Malfoy just confessed that to him with a real feeling of rage in his voice.
Malfoy clears his throat. "So what are you doing here? Isn't dinner happening right now?" He asks, clearly trying to lighten the mood, and Harry is surprised since he was still thinking about what to say.
"Yeah, but I don't feel like seeing anyone. They just feel like too much right now." He says in a slow tone because he was thinking about what he was saying, he wasn't even planning on making something up, not when Malfoy had talked about something so... personal.
"Yeah, youre pretty popular right now, right?" Harry is surprised again by choose of words, he doesn't even think this moment is actually happening. He must be dreaming.
"Some of them still think I'm a liar but a lot of people now believes me." Harry sighs. The whole situation was a little better than before, but it bothered him that everyone noticed him. If they ignored him, it would be better to be honest. He wonders what Malfoy thinks about it because after all, his father is a Death-Eater, and he kind of just told him that like he wasn't pleased about it.
"For what it's worth, I don't hate you. I think hate is a very strong feeling." Saying Harry was shocked is nothing.
On any other day, in the past, he would have heard Malfoy say those words and he wouldn't really care, he wouldn't even believe it but now it so fucking strange how is happening; it was different to hear it from this Malfoy he was seeing right now. This Malfoy who looked vulnerable, with red eyes and just...tired.
"Thanks." He retorts with a side smile. Malfoy isn't looking at him anymore, instead looking inside the classroom.
"I'll go now. I suppose you have class in a few minutes." Harry looked at him again and sadness really clouded his features.
"Yeah, but I'm like quite early." There was at least an hour before class. It was a long walk, but no one would be hanging around the tower yet and although Harry wanted to be alone first, he now felt he didn't want Malfoy to leave so soon.
"Bye." Malfoy nods and then hurries to the other side of the room where the door was.
"Bye." Harry says in reply, but Malfoy is no longer there.
•
Harry paces irritably through the dungeon corridors. It's late so it still gets colder at night, and he's forgotten to bring his scarf, which irritates him even more. He is so tired of the situation and it's getting hard to keep his shit together. Adding the fact that he'd forget he had to do Snape's detention just because once more he couldn't bite his tongue.
Since the beginning of the year, he's been feeling really weird, like more angrier every day. He doesn't know what is going on with him, it is so frustrating, and they won't tell anything to him, so it is like more and more things bother him, even the simplest ones. His friends notice and try to calm him down, but he struggles and prefers to be by himself. And now he couldn't play Quidditch anymore. Dumbledore disappears from his sight. Snape was acting more hostile at class. Umbridge still punishes him for the interview. The school he loved so much, which he considered his home was now living hell, and it's all because of the stupid pink toad. Everyone is just fucked up.
When he gets to the classroom, no one is arround but there's a note written on the door.
"Don't touch anything in my office." It said in very neat and delicate cursive. He had seen Professor Snape at lunchtime and had left him the task of tidying all the cupboards, dusting and leaving everything spotless. As if he cared about seeing his things spotless, all the years he'd been there, things had accumulated so much dust over the years that he has no idea how he's going to clean everything out of the cupboards in time.
He's knackered, fucking done with everything and everyone. He can't even have a rest because he knew about the connection to Voldemort. He wasn't even safe in his own head anymore. What a bloody shame. His heart pounded in his chest, he rubbed it with a little in discomfort and felt his skin went hot all over. His vision blurred for a few seconds.
He noticed everything and took a deep breath and tried to calm himself. Inhale. One, two, three, out. Inhale. One, two, three, out. Inhale, one, two, three...
He had to start as soon as possible to leave before curfew and finish his essays, or at least try. Took another deep breath and let the rage leave his body.
After an hour, he moved on to cleaning two cupboards with glass bottles filled with strange liquids he didn't dare open. He stopped to rest his arms, which were aching from lifting and scrubbing the bottles.
"Potter?" Malfoy said, coming through the door. Harry was sitting on the floor with many things around him: strange figurines, utensils, cauldrons, bottles of liquids, and herbs with strange names written on them.
"What are you doing here?" Harry asks, surprised by his presence. He wipes the sweat from his forehead because he hadn't even realized he had a few drops of it. He didn't even felt when the cold stopped.
"McGonagall punished me, and here I am, but I didn't know you'd be here." He says, taking off his scarf, then his robes until he's down to a white shirt and gray waistcoat.
"Snape punished me. There's no point in explaining why." He says irritably just thinking about the situation. Malfoy, to his surprise, doesn't sneer or smile, just grimaces.
"Oh, yeah. Sorry about that." His tone sounds ashamed. He walks over to where Harry is, dodging all the artifacts scattered on the floor. He sits down next to him. Harry watches him while Draco loosens his emerald-green tie.
"Yes, it's awful. I have a lot to do, and I'm here stuck on a Thursday night." Harry says, still irritated but mostly tired.
"I'm sorry." He repeated but Harry doesn't say anything.
"What happened to you?" Malfoy sighs.
"On Saturday, I was overwhelmed, so I sneaked out at night to the Astronomy Tower. When I was going down the first floor, Professor McGonagall found me, so she promised me a detention later. But then yesterday, when she spoke to me again, Professor Snape heard McGonagall scolding me and covered for me, saying he'd give me the detention. I guess McGonagall was tired of fighting with him, so he sent me here today. I don't know why, but I guess he knew you'd be here. Maybe he thought you'd be doing all the work anyway." He explains with a nervous laugh at the end. He looks tired, and Harry can't stop staring at him.
Lately, since their last conversation in his free time, he's been trying to watch him. He wasn't like he used to be, that's for sure, but he also can't figure out if all of that was just an act or if he'd actually changed. He seemed fine now, like when he'd spoken to him in the tower. He wasn't trying to hide so much now, he seemed...sincere. Malfoy blinked a few more times, probably because Harry hadn't said anything yet.
"Great." It's the only thing he can think of to say. He was exhausted, and now he had to be with Malfoy, who was a bit distracting. Although now they could at least talk, maybe.
"But he's wrong. We're not what we used to be, right? Obviously, I'll help you. Besides, I have to stay here, or McGonagall will realize I didn't complete her punishment. She might even ask you later." Draco stared at him like looking for his rejection.
"All right," Harry says, a little more hopeful and gets up from the floor. He starts looking around to see what's left to clean so he can give Malfoy a rag and get started.
After many minutes -he hadn't even looked at the clock yet-he realizes they still have more than half the job to do. They haven't speak yet, not because he didn't want to, but rather because he knew they'd work faster in silence. Or maybe he was't sure if he wanted to talk to him or about what things they could.
He sighs a little loudly and turns to look at Malfoy, who is very busy with a golden liquid in a small flask, it looked like floating sparkles instead of liquid. Malfoy looked up and saw Harry looking at him. He smiled at him and put the flask aside. Harry smiled back and sat down on the floor again, and Malfoy followed, sitting even closer to him this time.
"Do you know what it is?" Harry says, pointing at the golden flask he'd left behind, trying to start the conversation with something.
"I don't know, but it looks like Liquid Luck." Malfoy replies, shrugging his shoulders.
"Luck? In a flask." Harry asks, disbelieving.
"Yeah, I think I've read it before. I don't quite remember." Harry is really impressed. He honestly doesn't know how he's still impressed knowing magic is real. That says it all.
"How someone managed to invent luck?" He says skeptic.
"I don't know exactly but I think it's pretty genius." Malfoy looks at him. It's like he is still sceptical about them being like friendly and is looking for clues on his expressions.
"Yeah, it is quite cool." Harry gives him a quick smile. They kept silent for a few minutes and for a reason Harry is really nervous not knowing what to say and he didn't wanted to stop talking to him.
"You know... I've been meaning to tell you something," He says and Harry raises his brows.
"What is it?" He asks with anticipation.
"It's just... I'm really sorry for being such a git to you, I'm so sorry." He glances darting about rather than focusing on anything in particular, rubbing his arm up and down. Harry just stares at him, speechless, shocked.
"I think I was truly humiliated in my first year when you rejected me, and I didn't know how to handle it. I couldn't seem to look weak in front of everyone else. My father always reminded me how important connections with worthwhile people were, typical pureblood nonsense, so I was really nervous and didn't know what to do, so I acted without thinking, and then it became easy to try to protect myself against you by making you feel bad. It's not an excuse, but I want you to know what I was thinking. It's tough being around Slytherins, you know? They can tear you apart at any moment if they see you as the weak link, and I'd rather be on the other side than the victim." Malfoy still doesn't look at him, instead playing with a silver snake-shaped ring. He looks anxious, which still surprises Harry, it doesn't seem threatening, and he doesn't even think he's joking because he sounded stressed, as if he'd rehearsed it before. He even looks smaller...
"Okay." He says, because he really doesn't know what to say this time. Again. It's not every day that your sworn enemy apologizes. Usually, his enemies just want to kill him. "Obviously, I didn't know any of this stuff you told me. All I know is that you were an idiot with a gift for insults. I'm sorry." He laughs and turns to look at Malfoy, who has a small smile on his face.
"I know, I'm good at that." He answers shyly, and Harry lets out an unexpected laugh, making Malfoy laugh too. Harry watches him again, it's fascinating to see him like that, as if he were seeing a magical creature for the first time in his life. It was strange, but he couldn't stop looking at him, there were many things he still didn't know about Malfoy.
"You haven't been using your ability lately, so you're getting better, aren't you?" Harry says, careful not to say explicitly that he's been watching him, sometimes, for a long time.
"I try. It's not difficult, but I'm used to it, and sometimes I forget, and it's just... I realized it's not worth it. No one here is the bad guy. You're not really the bad guy. The real bad guy is... you know. There are more important things to consider now than fighting with you for being Harry Potter or with others I used to bother too." Harry sighed again. Hearing Malfoy talk about it made it real, more real than he'd like.
"That's true. I think it'll only get harder every time." He replies and sees Malfoy downturned lips.
"Yeah, I don't even want to imagine it. It's horrible." Harry just nods, and they both remain silent, staring at the floor. He doesn't want to talk about it anymore; he doesn't like it and he senses a certain tension surrounding it.
"Are you still seeing the girl?" He asks, trying to change the subject to something more casual and less stressful.
"Nah, we only dated for three weeks tops. And I was tired of kissing her. It was nice, but not what I wanted. Plus, it dried out my lips a lot." Malfoy presses his lips together, trying to moisturize them, licking his dry skin, and Harry can't help but follow the motion.
"Oh wow! What a tragedy!" He replies mockingly and Malfoy beamed. Yes, he looked better that way.
"Shut up!" He exclaims smiling and Harry simpered.
"Oh, speaking of tragedies, you know what I heard? Rumor has it that you're dating Granger." Harry's mouth drops open, but then he remembers Cho and the whole situation. The girls are really mad at him.
"Really? I wonder who made that up." He comments sarcastically.
"I know, it's funny. Unless... it's true." He says, raising his eyebrows in question.
"No, of course not, she's just my friend." He says confidently, tired of hearing so many crazy things about him.
"Just making sure," Malfoy replies, trying to apologize for his statement.
"They made that up last year too. It was horrible for Hermione. She had a bad moment because surprisingly, girls are evil." Malfoy smiles, nodding at his comment.
"Yeah, I love girls." Malfoy says, agreeing.
"I thought you liked boys more." Harry jokes thoughtlessly, and Malfoy looks at him, offended but not truly offended.
"Piss off!" He pushes him away by pulling on his shoulder, and Harry almost fells to his side. They both laugh and fall silent again.
He can't believe it's been almost two months since Malfoy confided that secret to Harry. He'd thought about it a few times. He knew there were people and wizards who liked other wizards, but he wasn't sure if it was appropriate to talk about it with someone like Malfoy, or anyone in general, because he'd never heard anyone say it so openly, not even Sirius.
"I also heard you can cast a Patronus. Is that true?" The Slytherin's voice brings him back to reality.
"Who said that?" He asks Malfoy, a little worried that they're talking about something only the DA knows about.
"I overheard a private conversation between some Ravenclaw boys. Is it true?" He asks, more curious. Harry thinks about it for a moment, and he's really just asking about something like a Patronus instead of their secret society.
"Well er, I mean yes." He says simply, and Malfoy looks at him in surprise.
"Impressive. I can't. My mother tried to teach me because she hates Dementors and doesn't want anything bad to happen." Harry is surprised because he clearly remembered Malfoy making fun of him for passed out because of them. He thinks is maybe because the return of the Dark Lord, it was certain that at any moment those dark creatures would be everywhere they wanted. Like when they attacked him before school and the minister was going to expelled him.
"Maybe you need more time," Harry said, trying to cheer him up, and he remembered himself cheering up his fellow DA classmates.
"I don't know, I have the feeling I'm just not good at that." He replied in an uncertain tone, something he was now starting to get used to hearing from Malfoy. He didn't know how he felt about him, because he didn't even know what this strange relationship was between them. They were obviously classmates, but now it felt more than that, maybe they were friends, or rather, secret friends...
"It might take time. Maybe you're not choosing your memories well." Harry remembers Professor Lupin's words when he taught him how to cast his Patronus a couple of years ago. He wasn't using memories too strong to cast the spell, or more like too happy, since joy wasn't really a feeling he'd had in abundance in his life. Perhaps it had been when his parents were still alive. At least that's what he likes to imagine.
"Maybe they're not joyful enough. That would explain why my mother looked so sad." Malfoy returns his gaze to the ground, and Harry can't help but take his hand and squeeze it. It felt warm, unlike his own. Malfoy watches his movement but says nothing. There's a slightly sad expression on his face, he could swear his eyes are shining with tears. But Harry doesn't say anything about that. He feels a squeeze on his hand in return, and they let go. Malfoy smiles at him, trying to distract himself, but Harry realizes it's still a fainted smile.
"I also struggled to find a memory. The one I have, I'm not even sure is real, but it works."
"Really?" Harry just nods, and Malfoy looks down at his feet.
"How disappointing. I told you something really personal for nothing in return." Malfoy says with a hint of shyness.
"Well, I didn't tell you to do it." Harry says, amused, trying to lighten the mood.
"I know. It just slipped out." Malfoy looks down at the ground and starts playing with his ring again. "It's weird." He says, looking back at Harry. "It's never happened to me before. I'm always very careful. It only happens with you." They both look at each other, deeply like never before. He felt a shiver run down his spine. It's a strange feeling, but he doesn't dislike it at all.
He is speechless. It's true that Malfoy has been telling him various things about him without Harry having told him to. In a peculiar way, he liked knowing those things about him. He felt like he was the only one who knew about them, although Malfoy never confirmed it. It was like having a secret together. He had never had someone to talk to about secrets. His friends were very close, but there were many things he didn't tell them because he still had a hard time opening up and they sometimes worried too much. He just wanted someone who could listen to him, be with him and only that, maybe the same thing he did for Malfoy.
"Don't worry, I won't tell anyone." He replies quietly, and Malfoy stares at him for a few more seconds. He can see his eyes linger on his face, move down to his chin, and then back up to where his scar was hidden.
"I know." He replies, giving a small smile. Harry can live with that.
•
Harry found himself smelling the scarf's fragrant scent, he couldn't help it, it was addictive.
After that day in detention, Harry had rescued Malfoy's scarf with the intention of returning it to him, but every time he saw it, he couldn't resist the urge to bring it to his nose and inhale the aroma. It was fresh and at the same time homey and woody. He had no idea what it was, but it was a very, very pleasant smell. He even fell asleep one day with it around his neck. So he still hadn't found a moment to give it to him, they were very busy anyway.
He went down to breakfast on Tuesday after doing all his homework until the evening. He was totally exhausted and intolerant. He tried to avoid anything that irritated him, otherwise he would explode, and it wouldn't be nice at all. He sat down at the table and listlessly served himself various dishes.
"Everyone's talking about it." He managed to hear Hermione say in a very low voice.
When Harry entered the Dining Hall, most of the students were already gathered. He noticed several groups whispering among themselves, but that was normal and Harry just tried to ignore them. Who knows what gossip they'd come up with this time?
"About what?" Ron asked, sounding confused. Harry, sitting across from them, had been avoiding listening to their conversation because if it came to him again, he'd be on the verge of losing his mind. He was more focused on eating without choking and glancing at the Slytherin table from time to time.
"You don't know?" Hermione asked in a surprised tone. Harry didn't know either, and although he was intrigued by her reaction, he didn't want to know what it was.
"They're saying that apparently Malfoy is...gay." Hearing the words "gay" and "Malfoy" in the same sentence, Harry gulped and started coughing. Hermione looked at him worriedly, but he told her it was fine with a thumbs-up.
"What? Malfoy?" Ron asks, just as stunned as Harry is in his head.
"Yeah, I heard someone in the corridors talking about it." Hermione says, more concerned.
"Are you serious?" His friend asks, still surprised.
"Why would I lie?" Hermione answers, a little annoyed, perhaps because Ron wasn't being as discreet as the others who were talking about it at different tables.
"They shouldn't talk about it, it's personal. Besides, someone liking boys isn't a big deal. It should be more normalized." Hermione says, turning to look at the two of them, even though Harry hasn't joined in yet.
"Maybe in your world, but in the Wizarding World, it's not very usual to talk about it." Ron says uncomfortably. Harry feels his heart beating very fast.
"But what's wrong with it? It's just two people in love like any other human beings." Hermione comments determinedly, and Harry looks at the Slytherin table again but still doesn't see him.
"I'm not saying it's bad, but it's not widely discussed in this world. There aren't many queer wizards." Ron tells her, trying to defend himself. He didn't sound very happy with Hermione trying to teach him a lesson in values.
"Sirius is queer." Harry says, a little tense about his friends' conversation. They knew that Sirius had always been open about the people he liked, especially when he told them stories about his past at school with his father.
"Exactly. It's not that there aren't many queer wizards, it's just that it's not common for them to tell others about it. Statistically, there are several people who are queer in this place." Hermione smiles at Ron, as she always does when she's winning an argument.
"Makes sense." Ron says, resigned.
Harry couldn't stop thinking about that. If according to Malfoy, he was the only one who knew his secret... Maybe Draco thinks he was the one who told everyone. Fuck. He needs to talk to him.