Chapter Text
April 7th, 2004
I’m holding back the temptation not to start this with ‘Dear diary’, I want my future self to feel sick with cringe if I ever read this back. But at this point, it’s the only way I can properly collect my thoughts since these past few weeks have probably been the most chaotic of my entire life. Weeks? Months? I’ve lost count. Despite Frank and Mikey telling me that my 18th birthday is ‘a really big fucking deal’, like always, I hadn’t bothered to plan anything real to celebrate until a few days ago. Frank had been bugging me for a while on what I wanted to do (in reality a solo, horror film binge watch sounded really good) and it almost killed him each time I would just shrug in return. But eventually, he took matters into his own hands - Ray and Bob were going out of town to see a band Frank didn’t care about, which is rare since Frank is always down to see local bands, so it naturally made me a bit suspicious until Ray mentioned it had been planned for months. Frank has invited me over for a sleepover tomorrow, even though it’s not my birthday until the next day but he seems really enthusiastic about it all - taking out time to plan it all. I can’t lie, I also had to contain my excitement at that point, I had been waiting for that moment for what felt like years. Every single small smile from across the English classroom, random notes he would sometimes pass me (even though I could never work out what it said because of his awful handwriting) and the stupid stuff he would send me in the middle of the night that always drove me insane - lately it seemed like it was building up to something bigger, that maybe they weren’t just friendly gestures?
Anyways, the band has started getting together once a week, much to Mikey’s excitement (he still doesn’t trust Frank for some reason) and we’ve started writing some stuff! Well, I try to translate the late night messages from Frank about possible song ideas and then put it into my own words. It’s not the best, but then again I think I would do anything to just spend an hour free of school, with Frank specifically and I’m starting to wonder if he feels the same - maybe this sleepover will confirm my suspicions?
My favourite song we’ve written so far is probably ‘Vampires will never hurt you’, Ray is trying to get everyone on board to do some sort of music video for it - he thinks that by having some sort of an album written we’ve officially made it. Working through loads of homework while trying to write and practise has been tough since I actually want to graduate, unlike Ray and Frank who simply just don’t care if they do or not. I’m not sure about Bob, he hasn’t said more than 2 words to me since I started Wingate but whatever he doesn’t say he certainly portrays when he’s playing the drums - Bob is disconcertingly amazing at playing the drums.
***
Rain pattered against the windows, frequently interrupted by the sounds of tree branches scratching against the glass and their trunks groaning in the wind. Clouds layered the sky in a thick, grey fog, covering the sun and darkening the living room, where Illi was perched on the window sill only partly illuminated by the small lamp to her left. She had made it a habit to sit by the windows at the front of the house, it was more peaceful than reading her comic books in her room and having her mother shout at her every so often for shutting herself away from the world, Donna was quite dramatic about it. However, this time she was too nervous to sit still enough to read one of her comics, Frank had sent her a ‘omw!’ text about 10 minutes ago. He insisted on picking her up instead of making her take the bus, the only thing Illi knew about what they were going to was to test out his brand new fake I.D at one of the shops across town. But apart from that, she had no idea what he had planned for tonight. Illi had come to realise that his house was only about 5 minutes away from hers, when he would sometimes take her and Mikey to school when the weather got particularly bad or when Ray, Bob, Frank, Mikey and Illi would go to Frank’s house to brainstorm song ideas, even though it usually ended in a heated discussion around which lyrics fit the song best. He was late. But Frank was always late, he always forgot to set his alarm or went the long way around to get some cigarettes from the gas station.
Through the large rain droplets that had collected on the slightly fogged up window, Illi could just about see Frank’s car as it rolled in front of her house, his headlights cutting through the dense fog in front of them. Then, the phone in her back pocket buzzed with a message from him. Illi couldn’t grab her bag from the stairs, put her leather jacket carefully over her head and say goodbye to Mikey quick enough, before she ran outside, her jacket providing some sort of shield for her carefully applied makeup from the rain, towards Frank’s car parked across the street. As soon as she opened the door, she was hit with that familiar smell of cigarettes that always seemed to follow Frank around everywhere he went. CDs littered the floor, some of them not even in the cases and across the backseat was his guitar that he had named Pansy - Illi never understood why people would name their instruments and always thought it was stupid, she let Frank off the hook though.
Illi had barely shut the door before Frank leaned over the centre console to wrap her up in a hug, squeezing her shoulders gently before loosening to allow her to shift into a more comfortable position and hug him back. Just like Illi had assumed, a couple of packets of cigarettes as well as some loose change had been thrust into the front compartment, showing he was clearly in a rush. Frank didn’t mention it instead, offering her a small smile and gesturing towards the seatbelt behind her head, letting Illi put it on while he put in a Smashing Pumpkins CD into the stereo.
“Sorry I was late, shits been crazy this morning.” Frank mumbled, turning to face Illi once they stopped at a red light. His hair was sticking out at odd angles, he was wearing an old t-shirt and jeans (contrasting Illi who had actually put in some effort into her outfit) and it was the first time she had ever seen him without black eyeliner around his eyes.
“It’s okay, I forgive you.” She replied smiling, then looked down at the cigarettes. “Can I?” Illi asked.
“Sure, it’s the least I can do.” He answered, shrugging.
After that, a comfortable silence engulfed them, periodically interrupted by Frank drumming his fingers on the steering wheel or humming along to the CD.The evening sun, that was now folded into the clouds, cast a harsh red glow into the car and highlighted Frank’s features so Illi could just about see his brow furrow in concentration as he peered along the dimly lit, winding country road. Due to the rain still ruthlessly battering against the windshield and the lack of any streetlights, visibility was low and there was a pit in Illi’s stomach - she felt vulnerable, as anything could come out of the bushes on either side of the car. Skeleton-like trees blurred into one as the car whizzed past them, throwing dark gray shadows moving flat against the hood of the car, one after another. Clouds were still hanging low in the sky, making the moon only partly visible between them, only the half sunken, amber sun was noticeable - a stark contrast in the evening sky. It was a quiet night, barely any cars were on the road along with them, the only sounds were faint chirping of birds above them and the soft hum of the engine. If Illi wasn’t comforted by the fact Frank was right beside her, seemingly confident in driving down these unfamiliar roads, she would be convinced the whole thing was a set up for a horror movie.
Illi knows him well, his little quirks and how much he cares for his friends, there’s no way he’s dragged her all the way out here on her almost-birthday just to buy alcohol. He’s definitely planning something. A surprise, and as much as Illi feels she should be excited about that, there’s something gnawing at her. Something in the back of her mind was convincing her that she should’ve just stayed at home and enjoyed her own company, instead of letting Frank take control of what they do. Plus, it was undeniably cold, the biggest juxtaposition between spring in New Jersey and in Pennsylvania being the spine-tingling, ridiculously cold temperatures it had reached since being here. Her fingers stung whenever she moved them in her pockets, a desperate attempt to stop them going numb and she could feel the muscles in her jaw tightening, causing her teeth to chatter noisily and alerting Frank beside her.
“You cold?” Frank asked, briefly taking his eyes off the road to look at Illi, even though it was painfully obvious.
“Y- yes.” She answered shortly, barely able to form any more words and wrapping her jacket around her tightly in a frantic attempt of preserving some body heat.
“We’re nearly there, don’t worry. Then my house is just a couple minutes down the road from the gas station.” He consoled her, then laughed light-heartedly, clearly amused by her suffering.
“Why are we going this way then?” Illi asked, she had never seen these roads before and now she was irritated by the fact she was freezing to death all because Frank wanted to go the longer route.
“Just thought it would be fun, I love going down here - I promise it’s better during the day.” He replied, not even attempting to hide the pink that had now covered his cheeks, embarrassed that he had been questioned on his choices. “But if you’re cold, we can go the shorter way.” Frank finished quickly before Illi could answer.
Upon finishing his sentence, he sharply spun the steering wheel to the right and turned down a hidden, small dirt track that was sandwiched between two sets of trees. They eventually joined a well lit and much busier main road. Frank turned back to look at Illi and laughed when he saw the terrified expression on her face, clearly disturbed by the manoeuvre. He obviously knew this town well, knowing all the tricks it had to offer but she was yet to discover some of them. Finally, her face softened when she saw the neon letters she had been waiting to see, displayed above the local gas station, peeking through the trees and illuminating their surroundings. Next to the sign on the concrete structure was a red, flashing digital clock that displayed the time as 5:49pm, surprisingly not as late as the weather made it seem but it made Illi realise her and Frank had been driving for an extremely long amount of time. Time seemed to fly by whenever she was with him, it was almost like every time he graced her presence, time around her suddenly was on a different wavelength to everyone else. The gas station was almost deserted, just the small, flickering neon sign and the bright lights overhead surrounded them - Illi couldn’t even see anyone inside the shop as Frank moved the car to park in front of it. Once he turned the ignition off, Frank twisted in his seat to look at Illi, the lights in the car slowly coming on so Illi could see his grin before turning back to unbuckle his seatbelt. But when Illi went to copy him, he rested a hand against hers and softly shook his head.
“No, it will be best if it’s just me. You look too young.” He explained, winking at her.
“Just don’t fight the cashier if he doesn’t believe you’re a 42 year old man.” Illi chuckled, Frank was known for getting himself into fights he obviously couldn’t win.
***
It seemed like hours Frank was inside, Illi had resorted to counting the stars in the now-clearing sky - the clouds had stripped back to reveal masses of stars. The small dots of light formed distinct patterns in the ebony sky, some even managing to shine through the gaps in the nearby forest. The gas station was almost completely deserted, if the shop lights weren’t piercing through the darkness, Illi would be convinced it was completely abandoned. Small chunks of brick and concrete slipped off the crumbling roof and with a soft thump, gathered in a small pile on the ground. Illi was being driven insane by the incessant flickering of the blinding industrial lights above her that hummed loudly, similar to a wasp circling around her head. Between flickers, Illi could just about see the posters that wrapped around the building, peeling and curling at the corners, the colours were fading from the sun exposure, adding to the miserable feeling that seemed to engulf the gas station.
Frank walked so quickly towards the car, it looked like he was skipping, he was holding two cases of beer and fumbling with the door handle before opening it gingerly and hopping in. It had been months since Frank’s party, and thankfully those months went by quickly and smoothly - much to Illi’s surprise. Neither Frank nor Mikey had dared to mention it since, and Illi assumed that was the reason why she had been making some solid progress with it. Without Mikey breathing down her neck 24/7, a weight had been lifted from her shoulders - allowing her to make a decent improvement by her own standards and miraculously, it had worked. This has eased her nerves about this so-not-a-date birthday sleepover with Frank when he had mentioned alcohol being involved.
“What would I do without idiot managers that hire clueless 14 year olds?” He chuckled, putting on his seatbelt then spinning around to face Illi who was rolling her eyes.
“Just drive.” She replied sarcastically.
***
If you took out every single thought Frank had ever had and crammed it into one room, you would probably get something like what his bedroom looked like.
Despite knowing Illi was coming over, he hadn’t bothered to tidy. It was just like stepping into a larger version of his car but somehow worse; clothes, CDs and random school work completely covered the floor. To the right of his room, was his closet that was practically overflowing with clothes that looked like a mountain of black - skinny jeans, band t-shirts and ties. The walls weren’t at all visible under the amount of dark coloured band posters, causing the room to be flooded with darkness - even with the light on. Under them, Illi could see his school tie was hooked over the back of the chair, and his desk was in a similar state to the floor - abandoned notebooks, empty cigarette boxes and unused pens sprawled across it. Amps were piled up carelessly in one corner of the room, alongside pedals and anything else that could fit. His empty guitar case was sprawled across the unmade double bed, alongside his school bag that was spilling its contents out onto the bed.
“I have a new DVD player.” Frank broke the silence.
“Hmm?” Illi mumbled, suddenly being snapped out of her trance.
“It’s downstairs - in the basement.” Frank continued. “We can sleep down there tonight, it will save you from having to deal with this mess.” He finished, opening the door, gesturing her out and bowing theatrically.
“It’s fine, thank you - you’re such a gentleman.” Illi giggled, walking out of his room onto the landing and slowly shuffling down the stairs into the basement, knowing the way as it was where the band would usually practise.
***
The sharp, shrill noise of the doorbell soon shattered any tension that was slowly built by the horror movie in front of them, their pizza had finally arrived. As Frank cautiously unwrapped himself from the shared blanket to fetch it, Illi winced as she watched the main character be brutally murdered as she opened the door to the masked killer. Then, in a sick turn of events - the main character’s best friend leaned over her body to jab a knife in the killer’s neck. The gory sight made Illi let out a small squeal, causing Frank to rush back into the room.
“What? What did I miss?” He exclaimed, almost dropping the pizzas onto Illi’s lap as he scrambled back onto the sofa next to her.
“She got killed when she answered the door.” Illi stated, still shocked from the bizarre plot twist. “I think that means that guy isn’t the killer, right?” She continued.
“Killed answering the door, huh? You’re saying I could’ve died?” He replied, cringing at the screen as more shots of the dead body were shown. “Anyways. Here’s your stone cold pizza.” He giggled, handing her one of the boxes.
“Told you we shouldn’t have ordered from the crappy one. Now I’m going to die from food poisoning.” Illi said sarcastically.
“It was the only one open at this time of night!” Frank shouted defensively, throwing his hands in the air and almost sending his pizza flying.
They settled back into silence, only being disturbed by small screams they both let out as the movie played jumpscare, after jumpscare. Frank quietly handed Illi a beer from the fridge, not even looking at her as he did it, while simultaneously opening his own - letting the pop of the lid be the only sound filling the room. As they watched the movie’s plot thicken, Illi caught Frank occasionally sneaking glances at her, leaving Illi with no other choice but to reciprocate. They would often do this when they were alone, their eyes meeting would be enough to fill silences between them.
“You know,” Frank suddenly said, then turned his head to look down just as his cheeks burned red and looked as if he was searching for the right words. “I’m really glad we did this.” Frank finished, still avoiding Illi’s gaze.
“Me too.” She replied, hoping that would suffice - she wasn’t sure if he had wrapped up his sentence and still had more to say so she stayed quiet.
Between the glow from the TV and small lights strung above them, Illi could just about see Frank’s hand moving towards her leg. It missed her thigh completely, instead coming to rest on her left hand side. Illi could practically feel the heat radiating off his cheeks and could feel his body go stiff next to her. Illi wasn’t sure what he was attempting to do but nevertheless, she placed her head in the crook of his neck and felt his body soften to fit against hers.
Illi was too distracted to be focusing on the last 20 minutes of the movie, which (according to Frank) was pretty much a summary of everything that had happened so naturally, Illi still didn’t understand the plot. The killer had switched from person to person for 2 hours straight - making it extremely confusing. Luckily, when she explained this to Frank, he spent about an hour laying it out for her - even going so far as to act it out. In the end, Illi just said she understood (even though she didn’t) to save them both from the frustration. In an attempt to stop the room from spinning, Illi crawled into the camp beds Frank had pulled out earlier - trying to get into a comfortable position that didn’t make her feel like she was going to be sick.
***
By morning, the previously dimly lit basement room had suddenly been flooded with sunlight - capturing every corner in its pale yellow rays. Cans of beer and pizza boxes were cluttered across the floor, alongside the open horror movie DVD case. Upon seeing the mess, Illi groggily put two and two together to slowly realise what actually had happened last night. Alongside a blur of blood and gore from the horror movie, she remembered the way Frank had drunkenly leaned in for a kiss but had failed due to his poor coordination and the fact Illi never caught on to his intentions. She couldn’t believe how she had reacted to Frank’s venture, in fact she hadn’t reacted at all which was even worse. Everything had been leading up to this moment, and she had been too drunk to even understand what was going on. Unless she was remembering wrong. It could just have been a case of him being over affectionate which he often was when he was drunk or just simply wishful thinking - it had definitely been on her mind a lot lately. Illi’s thoughts were interrupted by random mumbling coming from Frank’s side of the room as he started to stir, then his eyes suddenly flew open and he leaped out of bed and bound towards her.
“Happy birthday!” Frank cheered, virtually jumping onto Illi with excitement.
“Thank you! What are we doing today?” Illi asked, playfully pushing Frank off her and standing up next to him. His smile stretched out even further at the question.
“It’s a secret, but you’ll love it - I know you will.” Frank replied, giggling as Illi raised an eyebrow suspiciously. “You’re not too hungover, right? We drank a lot last night.” He continued, his face morphing into an anxious look.
“No, I- I honestly don’t remember anything.” Illi lied, making a point to look around the messy room curiously and appreciated the way Frank’s worried expression immediately subsided. “I should get dressed though, please tell me wherever you’re taking me is inside - it’s too cold.”
“Presents first.” Frank said, winking at her then running out of the room towards his bedroom.
When he returned, he was holding a large, very messily wrapped present along with a card, Illi smiled gratefully and reached for the card that was carefully balanced on top of the parcel. To this, Frank shook his head.
“Who has time for cards? Open the presents first.” He said, grinning and handed Illi the present.
“Plural? You really shouldn't have.” Illi replied.
It had been wrapped in spiderman wrapping paper, torn on some edges and Illi found it amusing, knowing Frank wasn’t the one to bother with gifts but had put some sort of effort into hers. Inside the parcel, was a long, knitted, grey and black striped scarf with the initials I.M embroidered onto one of the ends. The knitted wool was soft against her cracked hands and the tassels at either end tickled as she moved it around in her grip.
“You can thank Ray for that,” Frank giggled, pointing at the white thread that had been sewed into her initials. “He’s weirdly good at this kind of stuff.”
“This is perfect, thank you so much Frank.” Illi smiled, not wanting to say more just in case he got the wrong idea but wanting to portray the fact that he had put so much thought into it and she was eternally grateful for that.
“You’re always whining that you’re cold so…” He said, shrugging sarcastically. “Oh, and there’s more.”
Illi moved the scarf to put it around her neck, feeling comforted at the feeling of the soft, warm fabric against her cold neck, underneath it she saw a CD. More specifically, it was the Smashing Pumpkins CD of her favourite album and the special edition that she had yet to collect. Before she could react, Frank gestured at her to open it, barely containing his excitement as she cracked the case open to reveal 2 tickets to their show next year inside the case.
“What?! Frank, how the fuck?” Illi exclaimed, throwing her hands around him joyfully and pulling him into a bone-crushing hug.
“I have my ways.” Frank answered, his jaw moving against Illi’s neck as he smiled into her skin. “Oh, and there’s even more.” He continued, winking when Illi pulled back to face him again.
“What is it?” Illi asked curiously.
“Every year, in the next town over there’s this spring fair that me, Ray and Bob always go to,” He replied. “But they’re at that concert, so I thought we could go for your birthday? Would you like that?” Frank peered at Illi intently, hoping for an enthusiastic answer.
“Of course I would!” Illi exclaimed, jumping up and pulling Frank into a hug once more.
***
The aroma of deep fried, salty food filled the air, mixing with the smell of sweet candyfloss that was being displayed on nearby food stalls parked on the grass and barely visible through the crowds. Masses of people gathered in groups near an assortment of rides and attractions, all brightly highlighted by multicoloured lights strung high above the entrances and vibrant, flashing signs that could be seen for miles. Loud music sent vibrations through the ground, meaning Illi could barely hear Frank over that and the nearby screaming as people were being thrown about in the giant rides. Illi was glad he knew his way around, she was terrified of the idea of possibly being taken out by the huge crowds or finding herself in an unfamiliar part of the huge field. He had a mental list of all the attractions he wanted to show Illi before it got dark and she had to go home as per her mother’s instructions. First up was the one Illi was most looking forward to, the corn maze.
“I’ve never been in a maze before.” Illi stated, blindly following Frank as he wandered in between rows mindlessly - claiming he knew the way.
“Really?” He mumbled back, not really paying much attention.
The corn plants stretched up high and seemed to brush the sky, small paths wound in funny shapes - none of which showing any hope of reaching the exit. As soon as they had entered the maze, Frank had taken charge, proudly claiming he could do this with his eyes closed. Now however, Illi was sure they had been down this ‘shortcut’ at least 4 times even though Frank was completely denying the fact they were lost.
“Okay, maybe we are lost.” He piped up finally after he saw the same family of four pass them again.
“Let's go this way, there’s no way we can get any more lost than we are now.” Illi answered, more optimistic than Frank seemed.
Blindly following Illi down a series of twisting paths, some of which Frank was sure weren’t actually paths - they finally reached the exit, the busy atmosphere of the fair felt welcoming after they had spent 20 minutes in the corn maze pretty much alone.
“Woo, I’m good at this.” Illi said, rubbing it in Frank’s face that he wasn’t good at navigating the maze as he had claimed he was and attempting to hurt his ego.
“Beginner’s luck.” He mumbled, doing his best dramatic embarrassed look.
“It’s not a sport. Anyways, where to next?” Illi questioned, looking back at Frank who was staring at her expectantly.
“I say we go on one of those scary rides, that horror movie last night wasn’t scary enough.” Frank replied, wandering towards a ride in the distance.
“You squeaked like a mouse every single time someone got killed.” Illi joked, panting while running to catch up with Frank.
Surprisingly, the ride was exceptionally scary - the obviously fake animatronics usually used in these kinds of rides had been swapped for real actors who were way too into character. In particular, they seemed to target Frank because of his habit of going extremely high pitched whenever he was scared as Illi had learned the first time she had scared him as a joke at school. Apart from that, it got a bit repetitive after a while, the actors movements becoming predictable - Illi had soon realised that staring at Frank was much more interesting, studying his facial expressions as he watched things drop from the ceiling or emerge from below the ride.
“See, told you - not even scary.” Frank said as they exited the smoke filled room at the end of the ride.
“Right, whatever you say. Ferris wheel now?” Illi replied, looking at her watch and noting they only had an hour before her mother said she had to be home by.
“Of course.” Frank smiled and pointed towards the giant ferris wheel in the corner of the field.
Luckily, by now the queue had dissipated and there were only a few stragglers wanting to get on before it closed. The ride was tranquil, contrasting the previous one and the silence was only briefly disturbed by some metallic groaning as they were lifted up into the air. Through the small windows, on the side of the capsule they were in Illi could see the majority of the town, most of it illuminated by streetlights now that the sky was darkening. She could also see, through the reflection, that instead of looking at the view - Frank was looking at her.
It was a short ride, Illi had gained a new fear of being in an enclosed space 250ft off the ground while the structure squealed under them. Nevertheless, she had the best birthday ever with Frank - even if she felt guilty for not showing it at times but she couldn’t ask for anything more. Now it was time to see what stupid stuff Mikey had bought as a joke for her birthday and endure her mother’s lectures about responsibility and becoming an adult.