Chapter Text
Hilda walked into her carriage and fell down onto the seat, before Ludwig even had a chance to step inside. She immediately started to slip out of the tight heels she was trapped in for the last two hours.
“Ahhh…”, she made a sound of relief. “I'm never putting those on ever again”.
Ludwig took a seat opposite from her, the only one really available. He gave a sign to the carman to ride. They left the castle walls in company of other carriages, all of them containing dukes of different houses, their future successors or other, less significant children they probably planned to marry off.
Hilda looked outside and noticed that it was slowly starting to snow again. It was just autumn, but this far north it was already time, when people took out their warmer clothes. She took the blanket she prepared in advance and wrapped herself in it. She could feel herself getting drowsy.
“I hate those fancy meetings”, she said, just to complain a bit, but her retainer must have interpreted it as an invitation to a dialogue.
“As a member of the royal family you have a duty to represent it before the rest nobility”. It was a dry sentence with no substance, that she heard more times than she could count.
“That doesn't mean I have to like it”.
“... That's true”, he replied, surprising Hilda. She always assumed he had no regard for her feelings. “You seem to have gotten better at tolerating it, though”.
“What do you mean…?”. She felt like she knew what he meant, but she wanted to hear it from him.
“You were… calmer tonight. You didn't make any harsh comments or disrupt the party. It actually seems like you made some conversations with the dukes”.
“Conversations” was an overstatement, she just did some small talk and quickly dismissed any questions regarding politics, on which she knew almost nothing. But it was different than before. Usually she would just say whatever she wanted to say or whatever she knew would make some old fart boil with anger. But tonight, she just wanted to go back home as soon as possible.
“Though I have to admit”, Ludwig continued” that I got a little worried when the young Gautier approached you”.
“Worried? What, did you think I would punch that red hair in the middle of a party?”.
“Well…yes”.
Hilda didn't really blame him, since she already did that once with some purple haired snob once. This time, though, she controlled herself. Partially thanks to a certain boy from the house Fraldarius doing it for her, before she got a chance.
“May I ask you”, the retainer asked her after a while” where did that change come from?”.
She wondered that herself. Something changed in her in the last months, but she couldn't pinpoint what it was. But she noticed that she had more energy, she definitely was more active during the day and had more people to spend time with. She felt like she was on the right path, even though she didn't know where she was going.
Hilda just didn't need attention anymore. She always liked to think that she didn't care about anyone, but the truth was, she was just so desperate, that it didn't matter to her how others looked at her, as long as they were looking. Now there was truly only one person, whose opinion she cared about.
“I don't know. Guess I grew up or something”. She turned towards the window, wrapping the blanket tighter, preparing to sleep. She wished to dream about the blue-haired girl.
***
“Here, before someone sees us!”, Hilda whispered, pulling the other girl's hand. They were rushing through the garden during the afternoon, so they had to be quick to avoid attention.
They stopped, standing close to one of the walls.
“Look, it's over this bush!”. The princess started to push aside the greenery that was hiding the bare rock of the wall. However, as she continued, something dark was becoming more visible. It was a hole, big enough for a person to crawl through it.
“Oh my”, Marianne commented, seeing the revelation.
“Ladies first”, Hilda said, pointing inside the bush.
“You're a lady too, Hilda", Marianne laughed.
“Maybe, but you're more of a lady than me”. The princess knew that the girl liked being complimented on her femininity. She noticed a smile on her face that was now turning into a slight shade of pink.
“Okay”, she said nervously going inside. Hilda followed her lead.
They found themselves in a place that, at first glance, was simply a ruin of a garden. The plants that were planted here in the past have been out of control for a long time and grew wildly wherever they seemed fit to. A gazebo in the middle of the space, with a few benches scattered around, were all covered in greenery. However, looking closely, they were still functional, as if someone deliberately used nature as a decoration.
“Do you like it?”, Hilda asked.
“It's… beautiful. So beautiful, Hilda”. Marianne looked genuinely captivated by the view.
“I wanted to show you this place for some time now, it was just hard to find time between your work. I'm glad you can finally see it”.
“What is this place?”. The maid slowly walked forward, looking around and Hilda was right behind her. Marianne's reaction reminded her of a curious child and she couldn't get enough of it.
“My brother found it years ago. It seems that my grandpa went a bit crazy when he got old and had some paranoia around this garden. He gave an order to seal it off and didn't care about the plants growing here. Years later my brother found the entrance. It used to be our secret base when we were younger”.
Nostalgia flew through her, thinking about memories of the past. These days she and her brother were not as close to each other, since he was always busy with his duties as a knight.
“Now it's more of my personal hideout, I go here when I don't want to have Ludwig on my back. Though, from time to time I do have to cut the plants, so they don't take over everything”.
“I didn't think you could do gardening…”, Marianne said, but her face looked regretful. “Sorry, that came out wrong…”.
“No, don't worry, I wouldn't think so either. If I could, I wouldn't bother with it, but I guess nice things require putting in some work”. While finishing the sentence, she suddenly remembered one of the reasons she brought the girl here. “Oh! Speaking of nice things, let me show you something!”
Hilda grabbed the girl's hand, trying to be gentle, and led her towards the alcove. Under it was an old, but fairly well kept table and on it a small, blue box with a bow on top. Marianne looked at her confused and she pointed towards the item. The maid slowly opened the box and inside there was a pair of silver earrings, with shiny, pink gemstones in them. The girl looked at them stunted for a moment, before turning her head.
“Hilda… This is…”.
“For you! When I saw your necklace I thought something like this could work well with it”.
“This… where did you… get this from?”.
“I made it myself, actually! Making jewelry has been a little hobby of mine, I don't know, if I ever mentioned it. I know it's not perfect, there are some tiny mistakes here and there, but the gems are fine and that's most important”.
She was very excited to give a gift to her friend, but Marianne didn't seem to share her enthusiasm. Instead she looked confused, guilty even.
“Is… something wrong?”.
“This is… I can't take it…”, she said and put the box down. This reminded Hilda of their trip to the city, how she couldn't accept the money Hilda offered her.
“I-If you're worried about the money, well, this didn't come from the royal family's funds. I bought those stones long ago and didn't know what to do with them. Bought them for my money, I mean!”.
It wasn't entirely true. She did have her own savings, but they came mainly as gifts from her father or brother, so in result, from the royal funds. She also wasn't entirely sure what she bought the jewels for… but she could always put some of her money into the vault, right?
“No, it's just… I didn't… do anything to deserve something like this”.
Her face revealed clearly that she really meant it. Hilda once again came back to the memories of the day they spent together. But still… there are more important things than me… Somehow this wonderful girl, perhaps the most wonderful person she has ever met, didn't see herself as worthy of the affection Hilda was trying to give her.
“You don't have to do anything. I want to give this to you just because… I like you. I just like spending time with you”.
Yet Marianne still looked down, not convinced. Hilda didn't know what to say, what could possibly reach her. It was obvious, she couldn't just fix her perception of herself, but she could share her feelings with her.
“I wonder… How do you see yourself? What kind of person do you think you are? To me, you're… really great, you know? You're so kind and patient and caring and… you might not see that, but you helped more than you think”. The maid raised her head and met the princesses eyes, with a face of confusion. “You really… really mean a lot to me and I'm glad I have you now”. The girl didn't seem to know what to say, it was hard to read her feelings, but Hilda noticed her cheeks getting slightly redder.
She wondered how much she should say. She was getting really close to fully revealing her true feelings, but was it a good time for this? No, she decided, consoling Marianne is the most important now.
“If you don't want to take this it's okay, I will understand. But… it hurts, knowing you think that of yourself. So I just want you- need you to know that you don't need to deserve this, okay? You already do”.
She gently attempted to take the girl's hand and felt fingers curling up on her. Their eyes met again. Marie’s face constantly changed a little, as if she was trying to find a perfect face, to express herself. Going through sad eyes to smiles to raised eyebrows. But eventually she gave up and simply looked deeply into Hilda's eyes. Maybe the words are not necessary, to reach someone?
***
“Look, you hold it like that. And. Throw!”. Hilda swung her hand and the hand axe she held flew in the direction of the wood log. It stuck into the makeshift target and made it collapse on the ground. Hilda turned around with a big smile.
“See, it's easy. Now your turn!”.
Marianne held a small axe in both her hands, which was an absolute contrast to her maid uniform and nervous face.
“Well… okay”.
She tried to mimic Hilda's movements and pose, but it was easy to see she didn't feel confident doing it. She threw the axe, but her moves were too slow and lacked strength. The weapon flew low and hit the ground right before the target, not even getting stuck in the ground.
“You know, it takes practice to get it right!”, Hilda tried to reassure the girl. But Marianne didn't seem upset.
“Can I… try again?”, she asked with a spark in her eye.
“Of course!”, the princess said and made her way to fix the targets.
After the emotional moment with Marianne, Hilda decided to relieve the tension. And since the entertainments around them were limited, axe throwing was her go-to answer. She worried that the maid might not like it or take it for crude. But now she seemed to enjoy herself.
“Try letting it go a bit faster. And maybe put a little more strength?”, she suggested, as the girl took the throwing stance once again.
“Okay”, she replied. Marianne took a breath in and swung her hand. This time, the axe hit the log, but it didn't manage to stick in place.
“It seems that I’m not as strong as you”, she commented with a smile, still not discouraged.
“I'm not that strong, you know. After all, I’m just a delicate flower~”, Hilda said, putting a hand over her forehead in a theatrical manner. And she was rewarded with a cute giggle.
“That poor wood log probably has a different opinion”. It was the first time she saw Marianne so loosened up and joking. She liked that side of her.
***
“See? This part of the wall got completely ruined over the years”. Marianne was standing right behind her and nodded, looking at the quite big gap, leading outside. “This way you can sneak out from the castle without going through the main gates”.
“That's how you got to the city that time?”.
“That's right! As you can see, it's a very handy trick, especially if you have an annoying retainer that won't let you leave the castle without him”.
“Well… You are a princess, so… I mean, it makes sense he wants to keep you safe”.
“Yeah, I know that. But you saw it yourself, I can take care of myself”. Talking like this, Hilda worried that she might come off as a spoiled brat. “But, you know, I don't use that often anymore…”.
“You used to sneak out often in the past? Sorry, if that's inappropriate…”.
“No, it's okay. Do you wanna take a seat? I kinda would”.
The girl nodded in approval and they moved towards the gazebo. For a moment Hilda debated, if she should use this occasion, to ignore the question, but she didn't want to do that to Marianne.
“As for your question… Yeah, I guess I did that often. Sneak out to the city or just hide in the garden. To be honest… I used to hate the castle”. It was something she never said out loud or even put into words, but, nevertheless, felt for a long time.
“Why was that?”.
Hilda wondered, what was the maid thinking right now. A princess, who complains about living in a big castle and having everything she ever wanted given to her from her birth. Yet her face didn't look judgemental. And in her eyes Hilda found understanding.
“It… just felt really lonely in there. When my brother and I grew up, he was out of the castle often and even if he was here he was too busy with his duties to find time for me. And I… I had more expectations on me. Ludwig became my retainer and wanted me to behave like ‘a lady from royalty’. I'm still not sure what that means, but I’m definitely not one”. She cackled, relieving her nerves. “It's kinda stupid, when you think about it. Saying that I was lonely in a castle full of people and then isolating myself from everyone”.
“I think… There's a difference between being alone and being lonely. And I don't think that's stupid. At all”. Hilda didn't expect an answer like this, but she did hope for it.
She now realized that they were standing right next to the benches over the gazebo.
“Um… Want to take a seat?”. They sat next to each other, with the gift still on the table in front of them.
“You remember the day when we first met?”, the princess asked, breaking the silence. “When Ludwig was giving you a tour?”.
“Of course I do… I remember I was so shocked when I saw you”.
“Yeah… Now I feel kinda stupid that you had to see that…”.
“To be honest, I was… kinda impressed? Of your confidence, to just step in like that and not think about everyone else's opinion”.
Once again Marianne surprised her. But she couldn't really feel proud hearing this. Instead, she felt like an impostor.
“You’re nice, but… That's not true at all”.
“Hm…?”.
“It's not true that I don't care about others' opinions. The way I acted that day? I used to be like that all the time. Annoying Ludwig or my father, being a trouble for everyone. I recently realized that I did all of that, because… I just wanted attention, I think. There's no need to be impressed by this”.
Hilda was never this transparent with anyone in her life. She didn't even think that deeply about her life before. She felt as if she ripped out her own heart, now holding it in front of this girl and it was all up to her, what to do with it.
“You might be right…”, the maid started “but I think… that this only shows even more amazing things about you. Like the fact that you were able to see that… And I can't even imagine the courage to tell that to someone. So… my opinion of you doesn't really change. Does that make sense…?”
Hilda, to her own surprise, started laughing. At first she tried to control herself, but gave up quickly. Through her squinted eyes she saw Marianne's confused face, which only made her laugh harder.
“I'm sorry- I’m sorry! It's funny, how- how nervous you are when- when you're trying to be serious! And you look so- so cute now!”, she said, holding her stomach. The mood started to disappear as fast as it came.
“Sorry again. I guess that's how I manage stress”, she explained, wiping tears from the corners of her eyes.
“Um… yeah, that's okay. You just… caught me off guard a bit”. The girl still seemed a bit confused, but the princess’s mood must have taken its toll on her too.
Hilda laid down on Marianne's shoulder and took a deep breath. She looked up and met the maid's eyes.
“You know… I think I started to change when I met you. In a good sense I mean. I stopped acting stupid and seeking attention… I guess I stopped being lonely with you”.
Hilda could feel her hands trembling. She didn't want to cross the girl's boundaries, but she also couldn't hide her feelings. She moved her head closer to hers, her lips closer to hers.
But in Marianne's face she saw that she was nervous. Not in the way you would expect in a situation like this. There was fear in her eyes. Hilda pulled back immediately, hoping that the maid didn't realize what she was trying to do.
“Um… so anyway… I’m just, you know, thankful. For everything you did for me”, she said, trying to change the topic.
“It's… nothing, really. I'm glad that… you feel better”.
Hilda tried to avoid Marianne's look for now and she noticed the blue box sitting on the table. She took it in her hands.
“You know, you said you didn't do anything to deserve this. I said that you don't need to do anything to deserve it and I’m still standing by it. But if you really need a reason…”. She opened the box, once again showing the earrings. “Then what will you say, for this being a gift to show my gratitude towards you and everything you've done for me?”
She was prepared to be declined once again, she even expected it and wasn't going to push anymore after this. But Marianne surprised her, when her hand reached out for the box and gently put her fingers around it.
“If… If that's how you feel, then… I think not accepting it would be like not accepting your feelings”. She took the gift from Hilda's hands and admired them. “They're so beautiful. I can't thank you enough for this”.
The princess felt happy, seeing the girl's taking a liking to her gift. But she couldn't escape the fear she felt at the back of her mind. If she knows her true feelings, will she be able to still accept them?