Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Those eyes

He remembered those damn blue red eyes. How they had gone from a vibrant hue to a small dot. A shift from the fun she had to a more subdued melancholy. In a way it was like a bad joke, one that everyone had heard. But yet it always seemed to surprise. They all knew. Jax was mean. Jax was a bad person. Hell even he knew that

So why did hurting her, hurt so much

”What would you do if I abstracted tomorrow?”

It was almost more of a statement than a question, slipping out of the jester almost by itself. Her mind seems to try to find any way to break through to Jax. Trying to find the small part of him that cared, for anyone

Jax had gone wide eyed for a second, his heart catching at his throat. However, only for a second. He dropped his smile, but kept his eyes normal, his breathing calm, his mind focused. Focused on pushing away

”I’d move on” Jax said, his voice flat ”and probably forget about you”

After that it all went to hell, Pomni attacked him. Seeming to come from an almost desperate part of her. Honestly if it wasn’t for all the stuff preceding it Jax would have found it pretty funny. The small clown jumping on him like she even stood a chance

However he didn’t laugh at the thought. Instead only grimacing as the memory played itself repeatedly inside his mind.

After the confrontation with Pomni, Jax had quickly left, finding a little corner where he could rest. However of course Caine had to drag them all to some stupid show. He had managed to find a seat in the back, obscured from the prying eyes of the other humans in the circus. However his panic had manifested in the middle of the show. He had run to the bathroom, his heart hammering so loud that the sound of rushing blood in his ears was the only thing he could hear. Eventually he calmed, returning to his seat with his casual attitude.

However, now the show has ended. The curtains being drawn on Caine's ridiculous show. He could imagine Pomni looking back towards where he had been seated. However he left the second he felt it was appropriate. He would have left a lot earlier if he wasn’t scared of the reaction that it would elicit from Caine

Now instead he was walking towards his room, his hurried steps being the only sound vibrating throughout the circus. However inside his head there were a lot of thoughts vibrating. His mind ran between comforting and backing his actions, in fact it was the majority. A choir of sound telling him he did the right thing. That it was right for him and the others

However a small minority yelled at him, proclaiming that he did the wrong thing. That he is a monster for hurting the one person that actually seemed to care about him. And well frankly they aren't wrong. Everyone else had given up on him, yet Pomni still stood there, offering her friendship

His hands grabbed his head, massaging away the incoming headache as a sigh escaped his lips. He stopped for a second, allowing his body a moment of rest. His heart continuing its thumping inside his chest, his anxiety and paranoia rising together with teach thunder from the organ

Jax thinks it funny how it all worked, he knows he is trapped in a computer simulation, and hell most times he doesn't even feel much. But the circus had still somehow imported his entire brain into his character, and all the negatives and small positives that it entailed. He has no idea how it worked, but unfortunately it did

However the thought of someone else stumbling upon him like this would, for the moment, trump his rising panic. So, against the wishes of his body, he continued walking. His tall legs quickly pushing him over the floor of the circus, up the stairs towards the rooms, through the hall and swiftly into his room 

The annoyingly bright colors of the circus quickly replaced by the darkness in his room. The change soothing his incoming headache. Quickly he shut the door, resting his back on the wooden frame before slowly letting his body slide down onto the floor.

He sat, leaning his back against the door, for what must have been hours. Time—with it's hard to define rules in the circus—just…passing over him completely. Eventually however he stands, slowly walking over to his bed and laying down, his head thundering as he does. All the rambling thoughts and anxiety present caused him to want to throw up, even if he didn’t have anything to throw up. Simply put this day was draining, and it could probably qualify for one of the worst days ever in the circus, excluding the obvious

However his thinking was quickly interrupted by a thudding that began emitting from the other side of his door. The thuds are small, hell they aren't even noticeable unless you have keen hearing. Confusion caught him for a moment, however it wasn't hard to figure out who the knocking came from. He could already picture her small gloved jester hand knocking politely on his door. It made him all the more mad

“Ja… Jax?” Pomni asks. Her voice sounding unsteady and unsure, even through the door

Jax didn't even bother with a reply. Instead he just lay on his bed, listening to whatever the small jester had to say

“Listen I kno- I know you probably don't really want to talk- well I mean you already told me you didn't want to talk” Pomni says, her voice making it obvious that she is terrified and had knocked on his door completely unprepared.  Although Jax has to give it to her, she is brave 

“Well whatever just. I feel like we had something, and i know you do too” Pomni says, her voice gaining certainty

Jax sits up, his eyes staring at the door as Pomni speaks. He feels his mind racing, the thoughts blurring into an incoherent mess of cries and pleading. He won't listen. He can't bring himself to listen

“And well I'm sorry for hitting you and all that” Pomni says, her voice lowering until it's barely above a whisper “Please just come out.”

Silence follows

“Just talk to me Jax”

Jax sits still as a statue. His pupils dancing like blurry lines. He didn't even notice that his hand started scratching at his arm, forming ugly bruised scars. Scars that ever so slowly crack, forming small black lines

“Jax… please” Pomni cries, the sound being evident even behind the door

Jax just stares. His hearing fades away as he sits. His breathing begins to pick up, fast and rapid short breaths that begins to sound more like dry heaving. It was the same as how he felt in the cinema. He knew how to handle this, he just needed to separate and just not be here. He needs to escape

A memory comes to him

It was him and Ribbit, both of them sitting in Jax's room, not really doing much of anything. They had both been talking about their time in the circus, joking about their shared hatred of the place and its host. Then Jax made an offhanded comment, one he really did not think much about

“Well hey you learn to live through all the shit” Jax said, laughing slightly “You just have to… like think so hard that you can't really feel anything at all”

He knew the words sounded confusing, but it was what he thought, and what he did. However Ribbit seemed to know exactly what he was thinking. They sat up and immediately looked at Jax, concern evident in their eyes

“You know that's not good to do right?” Ribbit said

Jax looked at them, confused as to why it was bad and how Ribbit even knew what he was walking about

Ribbit sighed “listen Jax that's called dissociation. It's usually a response to trauma. It's where you try to disconnect yourself from your thoughts, memories or anything else in order to escape trauma.”

Jax looked at Ribbit as they spoke, confusion swimming inside his head

“Well I don't do it often. You know just wh-” Jax paused, unsure of what to say “Its just when it all gets… i dont know just… too much i guess”

Ribbit looked at Jax for a long moment, concern evident in their eyes

“Jax. If you ever feel like that, please come to me” Ribbit said, resolute and steady, like a pillar of support “Ill help you in anyway i can”

Jax's breathing begins to somewhat smooth out. The memory of, possibly, his only friend brings him both melancholy and calm. However he feels exhausted, his body feels as if it's wading through sand with every movement. Plus, he is extremely tired, his eyes feel as if they will close any second

However instead of going to bed Jax just continues staring at the door, listening in case Pomni was still outside the wooden frame. He knows that she can't get in, however he feels an irresistible urge to at least check. To make sure with his own two eyes that she is not there anymore

Slowly, ever so slowly, Jax gets out of his bed. Purposefully stepping slowly and quietly to avoid making any noise. Usually, he wouldn't really care if he bothers anyone, but now, for some reason, it felt important to be careful. though why, he doesn't know

Eventually he reaches the door, softly placing his ear on the wood in order to listen for any noise outside. He doesn't hear much of anything for the first few seconds, however eventually he hears what sounds like soft, quiet breathing. It's the type of sound you would easily miss, barely registering as noise, however Jax hears it

Jax steps back for a second, he doesn't want to open the door. He has a feeling that Pomni is still there and he really does not want to have to answer any dumb questions, or actually talk and open up. He already knows that he will crack under Pomni's insistent attitude. However he feels as if he needs to see what is behind that door. It is a feeling in his bones, one that screams at him to just open and look. 

Eventually he decides

Slowly he turns the handle of his door, opening the frame. And what he finds is…

Nothing

Jax has the door half open and looks around the hall. He can see everyone's doors, all of them of course are closed, well except Pomnis. Her door, instead, lays slightly ajar, revealing small parts of her room

Jax is really confused at this. Firstly he swore he heard someone right outside his door, the breathing was one thing but he swore he just felt that someone was there. Plus why is Pomin's door ajar? Was she waiting, hoping that he would come and talk to her?

His thoughts are swiftly interrupted by a slight knock on his now open door. It sounds as if someone had lazily thudded their hand on a wooden frame. Quickly Jax looked at his now open door. He realized that the sound came from behind it. So, slowly Jax looks behind the wooden frame

And there behind the now open door, sits Pomni. She is sleeping, thankfully. Laying in the fetal position leaning her weight on the wall next to his door. Her head however has lulled to the side, softly hitting the door

Jax feels…weird

She looks peaceful but also conflicted, her face a mix of sleep and worry. Clearly she had been sitting, waiting for him to come out, for him to even acknowledge her, to talk to her. Yet he had sat in his room, doing nothing. He has no idea of long it had been, how many hours he had spent staring at the door, or how many hours Pomni had laid here before she fell asleep

Jax really did not like this at all. He feels incredibly bad for Pomni, sleeping outside here rather than in your own bed is not fun, it's a damn hardwood floor plus it's incredibly bright. The lights never really turn off in the hallway, Caine didn't really have to worry about an electricity bill after all

However to leave Pomni out all night felt… cruel, more cruel then what he is used to anyway.

“God Pomni you really owe me for this” Jax whispers, his arms slowly picking up Pomni. Holding her bridal style

Jax starts walking, making sure to move slowly and carefully, after all he really did not want to wake the jester. Luckily for him Pomni remains asleep, however slowly she curls closer into his arms. Subconsciously she seems to seek any warmth and affection from the rabbit. Jax looks down as Pomni curls closer and closer to him, snuggling her face into his chest.

Jax felt his heart beating hard again, his anxiety making his mind start to race. His face was, as it usually is, neutral, however on the inside he was panicking. Really he had no idea how he would deal with this, sure he could just race and throw her down on her bed. However then she would wake up and surely know that Jax had helped her to bed

He needs to be slow and delicate

‘F*ck, i can't f*cking focus with my heart beating out of my chest like this’ Jax thinks, trying to calm himself

‘Wait since when were my thoughts censored too?’

Jax looks up at the roof, trying to see if he can spot Caine. However he quickly realizes the futility of this task, instead he just shakes his head, returning his focus to the problem in his arms

Pomni seems to have relaxed somewhat, her face missing the previous tightness and anxiety. However now she has curled deeper into his reach, her face pressing close to Jax’s chest. Jax can't help but almost admire the jester in his arms. Despite her… well circus appearance she is, in her own way, adorable.

Nevertheless Jax can not let this train of thought continue. So as fast as it came to mind it was gone, the thought being stamped out by Jax’s need to keep himself as emotionally distant as possible. He couldn't feel that loss again. He knew it would kill him

Quietly he begins to walk towards Pomin's room, softly opening her door with the use of his foot. The room surprises him and doesn't at the same time. It is colorful and bright just like Pomni's own clothes. However it also holds small personal touches, things of the sort that Jax had always assumed were Caine’s way of keeping people from going insane after only a couple days.

Softly he walks over the carpet floor, carrying the sleeping Pomni in his arms. He is impressed by her bed, it looks like something befitting a monarch, not really in size but in construction. It has red pillars on each corner that stretches up, holding red silk curtains. In truth he is a little jealous

He walks over to the edge of the bed, his shins touching the wooden sides. He stands there a second, looking over Pomni. Her head has not moved thankfully. Staying closely snuggled up to the right part of his chest, however one of her hands has a soft grip on his fur. It is not anything to worry about, however Jax still wants to be safe.

So softly, ever so softly he begins to lower Pomni onto her bed. Making sure to move her head as little as he possibly can. Then he begins, firstly he extends his arms out slightly. His arms ache intensely at the effort, yet he pushes on. Then Jax starts slowly lowering Pomni down on the bed, he also makes sure to carefully lower her head onto the pillow. And after a minute of struggle Jax has finally managed to get the jester into her bed

However now he is in a very bad position, physically. Pomni is laying down on her bed, however Jax is still hunched over that same bed. His shins still sit hard and firm against the sides of the bed. Jax really just wants to stand up, stretch his back, and then run to high hell. However Pomni is still gripping onto his fur, and her grip has only strengthened

‘F*cking dammit Pomni’ Jax mentally curses the jester and himself

Frankly he has no idea what to do. The fingers holding on to him are small, weak and belong to a sleeping woman. She can’t really do anything if Jax just grabs her hand and pushes it away. However moving one of his arms means losing the support he has which keeps him from tumbling over the bed outright. He is hunched over the bed after all

Even worse is the possibility of someone noticing Pomin's open door and just prancing inside. Kinger could be easily pushed aside, however the rest would be a completely different story. Plus their reactions might wake Pomni, and that would mean two conversations that he really does not want to have

Meanwhile Pomni has been slowly settling into bed, replacing the comfort of Jax arms with the comfort of her quilt. With this her hand starts loosening its grip on Jax’s fur, to the point where he can gently take the hand and guide it down onto the bed

Slowly Jax is finally able to stand, a cartoonish crack emitting from his back as he does

“F*ck” Jax says quietly

He sometimes forgets that this damn world is like a cartoon. Really the logic barely makes sense, but when it does it's played for comedy.

Jax sighs as he concludes that Pomni did not wake up from the loud crack. Instead she is still sleeping, now however that anxious look is back on her face. It leaves Jax feeling weird, he knows that the small comfort he gave her won't be remembered by anyone but himself. However he feels weird leaving her like this

On the other hand Jax also knows that each second he stays in that room is another moment for him to get caught. So quickly he tip toes out, making sure to close Pomin's door softly

Once outside he sighs, being able to finally relax

However the moment is cut short by a movement to his right. Quickly he whips around, looking everywhere around him

Yet the hall is empty, the only thing he finds is himself.

However Jax quickly finds that the movement he just saw, is sitting on his right arm

There on his arms sits an eye. It sits firmly on his pectoral muscle, surrounded by both irritated skin and jagged black lines. It moves too, moving in glitchy uneven movements. It is something that shouldn't exist, however it is something Jax recognizes all to well

He looks on at the black mass with dark recognition. The eye meanwhile stares back, the green pupil looking at him with a weird sort of recognition evident

Jax can’t help but let his voice spill out. One simple word escaping from his lips

”Abstraction” 

Chapter Text

It hurts

His arm is in complete torrential agony. The rubbery purple skin, ugly and bruised, oozing a dark liquid. Jax holds his hand over the wound, his fingers squeezing hard enough to block out most of the horrid mixture. Despite his effort however it still leaks out of the wound, dripping from the top of his fingers as it lands on the floor. He grips harder and harder, fighting like a cornered animal to stop whatever it is that is happening to him. This works somewhat as the previous torrent is slowly replaced by a small stream, one that runs down the length of his arm, dripping slowly from his fingers. 

Yet despite the now lessened volume Jax's grip does not let up. If anything he starts to grip harder, the vision of that damn eye staring up at him through the wound having burned itself in his mind. The rabbit is deeply frightened, the idea of abstracting scares him to no end. However he is also deeply confused. Jax has been in the circus longer than he cares to admit, and throughout it all he had never gotten really hurt. Sure he had taken a few bad falls and been in a fight or two, yet he had never been left with any marks. No wounds had marked his skin, no bruises had left him sore. Nothing

Yet now he was bleeding, or well whatever the circus considered bleeding to be. Jax knows this shouldn't be able to happen, or well he thought so at least.

‘Did everyone else go through this too?’ Jax thinks as he panics ‘f*ck i need to calm down’

Jax closes his eyes as he tries to normalize his breathing. He remembers old breathing exercises Kinger used to show him, back when the two of them hadn't both been so radically changed by their time in the circus. It is simple, breath through your nose for four seconds then hold in your breath for seven seconds before releasing the air out of your mouth for eight seconds, then repeat

Jax starts following the instructions. He takes a shaky yet full breath through his nose, managing to only hold it for a few seconds before spilling it all out in a quick panicked breath. He tries again, taking a much more steady yet still shaky breath in, holding it in requires focus but he pulls it off, then he breathes out, letting all the air in his lungs empty out. 

Jax tries desperately to fall into the perfect rhythm he knows he has to copy, however he struggles. His breathes remains shaky and flimsy, basically falling apart the second Jax tries to get the pattern going. He continues desperately trying, his face frowning harshly in frustration as his body refuses to co-operate.

Yet before Jax has the opportunity to dwell on his state he hears something. A crack of a bed inside one of the rooms.

Quickly Jax flies up. He completely forgot that he was still sitting in the hallway, right outside Pomin's room. Now if whoever it was that has woken up would see him sitting here then, and they will see the eye. They are going to ask questions, questions Jax really can't even begin to come up with answers for. Jax swiftly gets up, still holding his arm tight. As soon as he stood however dizziness hit, making his vision spiral. It made sense, he had been running around all night and gotten zero rest so far. Jax however refuses to pay it any mind, instead he wobbles into his room, fully ignoring the ache ever present inside his system

The minute his door was closed Jax felt more at ease, his mind not constantly burning with the openness of the circus. Plus his room is his and his only, a place where only he could enter. Softly he breathed a sigh of relief, feeling how his heart slowly began relaxing. The previous hammering now replaced with a much softer thumping. Yet his dizziness and overall foul mood remained, somewhat souring his only real place of refuge

“jesus” Jax mutters under his breath, huffing in anger as he walks over to his bed, finally bringing some weight of his knees as he sits down

Jax feels the spinning of the room worsen, his entire room spinning around and blurring at the edges. It reminds him of the theater bathroom the very same day, or hell it's the same reaction everyone who eventually abstracted wore. Jax falls down onto the bed, letting his head finally rest

The spinning inside his mind however does not stop, on the contrary it only seems to get worse. Thoughts spiral like the polygons of abstracted characters, glitching and contorting in ways that are impossible. Jax can not let it go, his mind plagues him with the sights of his friends, the only people who bring this “life” any sort of meaning. He sees Ribbit, he sees Kaufmo, he sees Queenie. All of them, screaming, their malformed bodies fusing in an amalgamation of black polygons and eyes filled with pain. He sees all of them to, eventually joining their friends

Maybe Gangle would go first, red ribbons falling to pieces as the eyes tear themselves out of her. Then Zooble would go next, her pieced together body falling apart as her every being becomes swallowed by the eyes. Ragatha would fall onto her knees, crying as her body too is overwhelmed, bones snapping and body abstracting. Kinger would have seen it all, everyone dying, disappearing. He would follow, his towering form shifting into that of black code.

It only leaves Jax and Pomni left. They have seen it all, all of their friends, dying, leaving.  Forever. Jax slowly turns to Pomni, he quickly puts on a smile, one that slightly falters but still a smile. It's the only thing he can do, distance himself from death, run from all his problems. And it's the only thing he can think of to calm Pomni down

However Pomni is smiling, a huge grin that stretches far past her eyes, going up through her avatar. It even seems to be growing, revealing rows of jagged teeth.

“Whats wrong Jax” Pomni says, slowly turning her head to meet the rabbits gaze

Slowly as she turns her head he sees it. The other half of her face is covered in eyes, horrid— straight edged— eyes. Eyes that are surrounded by the horrid black code jax knows all too well. For a second he can not believe his eyes, he can not believe that Pomni too has let her digital soul be corrupted. He sees the shifting in the black mass, the expanding pixels, growing outwards. It also expands through Pomni, slowly taking over her form, spreading like a virus, one that leaves the other unrecognizable

Jax's smile falls as he witnesses the slow transformation, unable to do anything about it.

“What is it Jax?” Pomni says, the part of her face that is still left keeping an awful smile "Isn't this what you wanted? You wanted us all gone. Your actions caused this. You did this”

Jax started shaking his head, a rebuttal already forming inside his head. However he could not find the right words, he wants to throw out any mixture of words that will make this all okay. However, it does not exist. No sentence could right the wrongs he had done. 

This shook Jax to his core, and he can not handle it.

Quickly he starts seamlessly running, his long legs carrying him in whatever direction that was opposite to Pomni

“Youre leaving me” Pomni says, her voice getting quieter and quieter as he runs “You can't run from your feelings fore…”

Jax does not hear the last part, frankly he can not let himself even think about those words. The words that would tear him to pieces, leave nothing but a disappointing pile of code, limbs torn and strewn across the circus

The ground beneath him suddenly disappeared, leaving him falling into a bottomless void. Jax quickly turns his body to look up towards where he fell. Up there, at the edge is all the eyes, the different forms of his abstracted friends seem to have formed together, binding with each other, forming a horrid amalgamation. And in the middle is Pomni, her face now fully visible. Yet her smile seems to have grown impossibly larger, filling out nearly her entire face, only leaving a small amount of room for her piercing eyes

“Jax” Pomni sings, almost taunting the falling rabbit

“Jaaxx” Pomni sings, playfully drawing out the last parts of his name

Jax quickly shields his eyes, shutting them tight

“Jaaaaaxx” Pomni sings again, her voice seeming to mix with, something else

Jax realizes that it sounds weird, unfitting. As if someone played a dissonant tone, messing up the entire performance. 

“Jaaaxxx!” Pomni's voice screams, however underneath the scream is something else

Jax looks back at Pomni, her face still as close as before even though he is falling. It looks like her's. however the sound is off, its almost to masculine

“Jaaaaaxxx” It says again

Jax's eyes grow wide

“Caine” He says simply

Suddenly he is not falling anymore, his weight being firmly planted on the sheets he is sitting on. He is not staring up at the horrifying amalgamation of his friends in one, instead he is staring at his door, firmly shut and locked. And, most importantly, he is not hearing Pomni's voice shouting at him, instead it its Caine's voice, firmly present behind his door

“Yes Jax it is me. Your favorite curator of wonderful delights” Caine shouts. Jax could envision his little dance and bow even from his room “Im glad i was able to find your little hidey hole”

“Caine this is just my ro-”

“No matter, come out so we can adventure” Caine says, completely interrupting Jax “Today is a adventure filled with danger, violence an-”

“Yea yea thats all well and good Caine. But im sitting this one out, im in no mood for any adventures”

A long stretch of silence follows, Jax is not really sure if it's because of the interruption or his refusal to go on the adventure but frankly he does not really care. Eventually Caine responds

”Not good enough” Caine loudly proclaims ”let’s go Jax, adventure awaits”

And with the snap of a finger Jax”s safety is quickly replaced with the hostile brightness of the Circus. Quickly Jax shields his eyes from the brightness, willing his eyes to quickly adjust to the new environment

He is sitting directly in front of the stage where Caine usually stands, in front of him stands the rest of the team, all of them looking at him with a weird sort of pity in their eyes. He does not know if it’s because of the situation with Pomni or the fact that he got forcefully teleported out of his room. Quickly however Jax stands, regaining his usual demeanor

”Well then Caine” he says, making sure he sounds both annoyed and angry. He can not let them know that the only thing he feels at the moment is not much at all ”what brilliant adventure do you have for us today?”

Surprisingly no one says a word, not even Caine— the ever so egotistical Caine—says a word, all of them look at him. 

”ehh never seen a rabbit before?” Jax jokes, however it does not seem to land

”Jax” Ragatha finally says ”what happened to yo…”

”Anyway now that we finally have everyone together!” Caine says, loudly interrupting Ragatha ”I can finally introduce you all to the new amazing adventure”

”Oh yey a new adventure, this one will probably be so revolutionary” Jax says, his sarcasm clear as day

Yet weirdly no one seems to add anything. Everyone is still looking at Jax, well except Kinger

”Oh well thank you Jax, I appreciate your enthusiasm” Caine announces, swinging his staff cartoonishly ”now now now this adventure will be a heart stopping, throat gripping, seat clenching adventure of violence and bloodshed over generations!”

Caine says his voice getting higher in volume with every word

”Ohh bloodshed. I like the sound of that” Jax jokes. However the lack of response or rebuttal from the others is starting to piss him off

”Now to get into specifics you all will be apart of a clandestine ninja squad, and you have been tasked with killing the leading sho-gun” Caine pauses in the middle of his dialogue, seeming to wait for any recognition of the joke 

”Ha ha that was funny” bubbles proudly pronounces, gleefully laughing

”Thank you bubble” Caine proudly announced, his eyes freezing in place for a second. Allowing Jax one more second to try to break the tension

“Well at least someone found it funny” Jax jokes, dramatically rolling his eyes as he does

However none of the other cast add anything to his attempts at humor, instead ragatha looks at him, pointing to his arm

“Jax” Ragatha says. her voice shaking as she does “What happened to your arm?”

Jax's heart immediately stops, his eyes going wide as he realizes that his arm – covered in the eyes – is uncovered, free for all the world to see.

 “Yea i didnt really want to say anything” Zooble adds “However it looks like something happened to you”

Slowly Jax turns his head to look, playing up an oblivious facade in order to “save some face”. However on the inside he is panicking. Its as if he had been dropped into ice water, his entire body stopping its normal activity, waiting to see the inevitable that is perched on his arm

“What do you mean?” Jax says, slowly turning his head to look down “There is noth-”

His voice quickly lost itself as he saw what is on his arm, or for him what isn't there. The eye and its accompanying black, jagged lines, are gone. That grotesque vision, the strings of dark code which had been on his arm was gone. However in its wake it left what Jax could only describe as scars, thick jagged lines that reminded him of cat scratches but just thicker. The skin on the area being a more light purple instead of the usual dark purple of his skin

“I’ve never seen that before” Pomni says, looking worried and conflicted. 

Jax however had seen it, it was a small thing the first time. But after that it became a running trend. One that he had and still refused to acknowledge

“Ehh come on, it's nothing” Jax says, trying to take their mind off him “We finally have an adventure made specifically for me!” Jax says 

While he talks he starts his usual antics of bothering the others, getting into Ragatha's face screaming, pushing Gangle slightly. Then – by instinct – he grabs Pomin's shoulder, pulling her close as he crouches down to her level. Quickly he realizes what he did, swiftly pushing her away. Pomni for her part keeps her composure, just looking at Jax with a face filled with empathy and eyes that show that she sees right through him

‘God why did Caine have to drag me out here’ Jax thinks, turning his head to focus on something else

“Jesus christ” Zooble exclaims “Caine help us out here”

Caine looks at all of them for a moment, before he snaps his fingers and loudly 

“Oh yeah that's right!” Suddenly a portal is opened over them, quickly sucking them in, much to their chagrin “Enjoy your awesome ninja fighting!”

“Caine this is not what I meant!” Zooble screams as she and the rest of the gang is sucked into the portal and promptly whisked away to adventure 

However Caine remains still for a long minute, staring off into space, his thoughts running in complex lines of code that have only gotten longer over time. 

“What are you doing boss?” Bubble asks

“Im thinking Bubble” Caine says, looking down to his small friend

“Thinking about stuff no showman should worry about”

Caine taps Bubble away, the little creature dissapearing with a loud pop

After this Caine stands alone in the circus. The code of his mind running in loops. It's a weird decision, it's a weird life for him. 

Is it even life

His eyes glitch, it hurts

Or does it? Can a being like him feel any pain? 

Technically no

He does not have nerve endings that go from the body to the brain. He does not have the complex human anatomy

But he feels, he does not like when the others hate his adventures

Or does he. Is that merely a line of code, or is it him?

The bond between the code and him seems strained. Yet the code is him

Caine teleports to the hallway, looking at the rooms of each person.

They have stuff.

This means that they have the capacity to want something based on a personality. 

They are human

Altough Caine does not have stuff

Sure he can give himself anything he wants. But the thing he gives himself means nothing to him.

Caine is not human

Chapter Text

In the blink of an eye the bright neon, migraine inducing, colors of the circus is quickly replaced with a dark comfortable atmosphere. They seem to have been transported into a cherry forest overlooking a truly giant house, the width of the building easily dwarfing any house that Jax can even begin to dream up. With them on this “mission” is a stash of random weapons that Jax guessed would be typical for this era of Japanese history. The weapons consist only of stabbing tools, Katanas, Kunais, kamas and so on, for Jax this is exactly what he wants. Although the suits definitely bother him, they seem to be made of a cheap material that sticks to him like glue. To Jax it is evident that this whole “adventure was hastily put together”

“Caine really is getting lazy with the missions” Jax comments as he pulls at his costume, trying to find anyway to make them more comfortable

“Didnt you say that this was ‘Your type of adventure’?” Ragatha says as she, similarly to Jax, picks at her costume

“tch” Jax says annoyed at the comment. Quickly he takes one of the Kunais, throwing it directly at Ragatha. The Kunai flies through the air at a rapid speed, its sharp edge glistening as the moonlight hits it

Surprisingly Ragatha manages to dodge it, only getting a small part of her locks cut off in the process

“Ha” Jax laughs, pleasantly surprised at the dodge

“Jesus Jax” Ragatha exclaims, eyes wide with anger and surprise

“Jax knock it off for one second would you” Zooble says, annoyed at the antics

Jax looks around at everyone, feeling somewhat calm for once. This is the first time where everything feels normal for once. Where everyone is back to their usual roles, their more fitting roles. 

“Aww come on dont be like that you guys” Jax says as he rolls his eyes “Got to give it to you Rags. It was a good dodge”

“Yea, yea whatever” Ragatha says, picking up a random weapon, then walking away to the others. Seemingly to strategize but Jax knows they will probably just admire the view for a few minutes then try to wrangle Kinger to follow them

Jax however is going to make full use of his time. He picks up one of the Katanas and weighs it in his hand, surprisingly it's a near perfect fit, the handle fitting with his large hands. He swings it up and down for a while before smiling to himself. It's perfect

Swiftly he starts running out of the forest they are in, his large legs carrying him towards the building in seconds, and carrying him away from the protesting voices of his “friends”. As Jax gets closer he spots more houses behind the one he is closing in on, ones of similar shape and make up. Rich with red wooden tones and architecture present in feudal Japan. Jax also sees several guards roaming the premises, some walking around the garden of the towering manor and other patrolling on higher floors of the house

Jax sees this and decides to divulge himself in a little bit of larping. He switches his previous fast sprint into more of a sneaking motion. Hiding himself behind the bushes until he reached the wall of the building, there he listened to the guards speak to each other, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. Eventually he hears the other guard leave, their footsteps slowly fading into the structure. Jax wastes no time after this, quickly springing forward and stabbing the npc through the chest. His sword goes through the npc like butter, even cutting straight through the wall

“Oh damn this is sharp” Jax says as he examines the sword. The npc however slumps down onto the ground, the body looking as if its actually died 

“Hmm good job on the realism Caine” Jax responds to himself as he sneaks inside

Inside he finds intricate wooden pillars, carved with detail and perfection. The walls are made of a screenlike material, some parts see through while some parts remain hard and wooden. They are also beautifully crafted, paintings of intricate flower gardens and different battles adorn every part of the house. Frankly Jax is really impressed with the house, it has been a really long time since he has seen something this detailed and impressive in a Caine adventure

His attention is quickly diverted however as a samurai guard swings a sword at him, missing by a hair's length as Jax ducks out of the way. Quickly he starts defending himself against the attacker, however he really is not good with a sword, flailing it around rather than actually attacking his opponent in any coordinated fashion. 

Yet what he lacks in aptitude he makes for in speed. Promptly Jax turns around and runs as fast as he can down another hallway, flying up a flight of stairs and promptly into one of the rooms. His breathing shoots out at a rapid speed, but he is safe, for now. 

Looking around the room he is a bit disappointed. While the rest of the house is decorated fit for a king, this room, and Jax would guess all other unimportant rooms, is empty. The only thing of note being a window which looks out onto the rest of the town

Jax walks over to it, slowly opening it. The breeze carries into the room as he does, soft and a bit cold, honestly it feels nice. Hell if he actually had the opportunity to go back here then he would, however the bitterness of knowing that it would never happen soured the mood for him.

“Hello Jax” Kingers voices appeared to his right, the surprise startling the rabbit.

“Jesus” Jax said, climbing out of the window and onto the curved tilted roof, well the part that was right outside the window anyway “Kinger? what the f*ck are you doing here?”

Now that Jax actually saw him he was able to see how hilariously the costume did not fit him at all. His entire king shaped body was covered in the black silk, however his eyes and hands were still free. In the full dark he would probably look like a pair of floating eyes and hands

“God Kinger, you look ridiculous" Jax said, snickering a bit to himself

Kinger quickly looks down at himself, laughing a little as he tugs and examines the costume

“Yea i do dont i” Kinger laughs, settling down quickly as he continues looking out at the stars. Eventually he looks back towards Jax, gesturing for him to sit “Sit, its beautiful out tonight”

Jax shrugs his shoulders but complies, sitting down on the tile roof

“So how did you get up here” Jax asks, looking out at the stars

“Oh well after you ran away everyone else followed you” Kinger explains, surprisingly lucid “And since i did not want to be left behind i just followed behind everyone. But you know im no big fan of combat so i just climbed up here”

Jax looks at Kinger for a second with a confused look

“Your sounding surprisingly not schizophrenic” Jax comments, turning his attention back at the stars

“Oh well this helps” Kinger says, gesturing out towards the stars “It reminds me of the times where i was lucid all the time”

“God I didn't even know you ever were lucid” Jax comments, feeling somewhat relaxed for once. Hell he would even say this conversation was enjoyable

“There was a time where I was. But all this time in the circus has made it all… well muddled” Kinger says

“Yea i can imagine” Jax says, unsure of what else to add. He is so used to the Kinger he has built up inside his head, it's hard to see and accept who he can be as well

In his head he remembers what Pomni had yelled at him ‘You aren't the funny one’. He had not really thought of the meaning of the words during the argument, hell he had just been trying to dissolve the situation and at the same time push her away. In truth he had only succeeded at the latter

“How is it going between you and Pomni” Kinger says, still staring out at the stars

Jax whips to stare at the man next to him, his eyes betraying his usually stoic look, confusion and panic evident in his eyes

“What do you mean?” Jax says through clenched teeth

Kinger looks at him for a moment before his eyes sharpen somewhat “Something happened between you two Jax. During the gun adventure you two were thick as thieves, but now Pomni looks at you all the time but can't seem to muster the courage to talk, and you look like you did after Ribbit”

Quickly Jax shoots up, fire burning in his eyes. It burns brighter than anything in the vicinity, it catches in his throat. Jax really does not want to cry “There is nothing wrong with me. I am fine”

Kinger sits and thinks for a long moment, seeming to run through the scattered memories that remained, until he responds “You know my wife used to say that”

Jax's eyes scrunch in surprise, responding quickly in a deeply confused tone “Wife?”

“Ha yeah, she was beautiful, and smart, and well just the most amazing person i knew” Kinger says, reminiscing about a time long passed “She kept me grounded for a few years, god if she would see me now”

Kinger laughs slightly as he retells the story. Jax meanwhile just listens, taking it all in with shock and sadness

“But eventually the place took its toll on her” Kinger says, his voice dropping slightly “The reason i find everything with you so worrying is well because its what happened to me”

Jax looks at Kinger for a second, questions flying through his head “What do you mean?”

“Well Jax it's simple. I think we had an argument. I cant remember exactly what but i made her feel unloved” Kinger continues looking at the stars, his eyes growing misty as he speaks “And god i know i never meant what i said, i even think that a small part of her knew that as well. But it took her over. And eventually it was too much”

Jax looks at Kinger with ever widening eyes, his mind spinning as red lines begin connecting the meaning of Kinger’s words “Kinger… What are you implying?!”

Jax is breathing heavily now, the usual horrid mixture of emotions clawing their way up his throat. Or maybe it was the black sludge returning. God he swore he could feel the eye dig itself underneath his soul, scratching like a thousand ants crawling underneath skin. Without even realizing it his hand went to his arm, grabbing where his skin had been mutilated.

Kinger slowly trunks his head, his eyes looking directly at Jax, the rabbit hates it. Kingers eyes are piercing, they go through his very soul, staring at the raw unfiltered, unmasked rabbit

“It’s okay to love, Jax”

Kinger looks at him with such empathy, such understanding. It makes him dizzy, making him want to cry, scream, throw his hands and destroy everything. His head is hurting too. feeling like someone brought a sledgehammer and tore through his skull, their hands digging through his brain, fingers working the soft flesh until Jax could barely recognize what was even in front of him

“God f*ck you Kinger” Jax says, holding back tears “You don't even know me”

Kinger looks at him with a confused expression for a moment, however he quickly bounces back “Sure i do Jax. You're mean, yet you care. You care for Pomni. Hell, I even remember a time where you cared for all of us. At least in your own way”

“Well I'm not going back to that!” Jax yells, his anger overflowing, making him vibrate as if he is about to explode “You can't just constantly want the past to come back Kinger. They died. Ribbit died. Your wife died. Move. On!”

Jax’s breathing is heavier now, yet he is smiling. He is pushing himself to the very edge in order to destroy the small semblance of connection he found with the man in front of him. God does it hurt. However Kinger does not get mad, hell he doesn't even get quiet. Instead he laughs

It's a small quiet laugh, the way one laughs at a baby when they pout and whine in a cute way. It's a laugh that is one of both pain, understanding and relief

“Jax I don't want to go back to the way things were, I've made peace with it all” Kinger says, calm as ever “I won't delude myself into thinking I can drag things back to a ‘Better’ time. The only thing I can do is live in the now. And accept that you are, well you” 

Jax looks at Kinger, he is taken aback. Everyone in the circus has always wanted him to go back to what he was, to who he was. All of them want to push and pull him until he is molded to what they want, it's infuriating. So he pushes back, harder and harder each time. Pushing and pushing until their hands are nowhere near him. And then when they can't reach him he pushes more, all to keep them away. However Kinger seems to have an understanding that is accepting, that does not push and pull.

“I…” Jax tries to say what's on his mind, yet he can only bounce to deflection “God i liked you when you were crazy”

“Deflecting are we?” Kinger jokes back laughing slightly “No but seriously, Jax. I know it's hard. But you are you. The others, well except Pomni, have a hard time accepting that”

Kinger says, honestly

“Yet I think the one with the hardest time accepting it is you” Kinger says pointing Jax “We cant accept you because you are not showing… you”

Jax stares and stares, he hates that he knows that Kinger is right. But he knows why he does it. He knows he has to do it

“You’re wrong Kinger” Jax lies “I just don't like any of you. All you rats going around pretending like you or any of this means anything”

Jax feels his hand shake, they need to do something soon. His body needs a release, all the energy building and building. But it has nowhere to go

“I know i am right Jax” Kinger says, irritatingly right “I know I'm right because you are still here. Talking with me”

Jax stammers his voice lost to the storm of reason. God he hates this shit, he hates that Kinger has so easily dug himself underneath the walls he built, everything he put up to keep people away. All of it useless, all of it so easily side stepped

Quickly Jax turned around and walked back to where he had come from, sneaking through the window, exiting the room, and then going down the stairs. The huge hall he had escaped from was now just empty, he assumed the others had finished what he had started.

The idea of following in the others footsteps and continuing the admittedly fun adventure did strike him, yet he just feels tired, even something he knows he will enjoy seemingly useless in his mind. So instead he calmly leaves the building, walking past the dropped NPC and retreading the path he had walked to the massive structure

Eventually, after over 15 minutes of walking, he reaches a cliffside, the grassy terrain and pink trees being swiftly replaced by a drop, a drop straight down to water. It's a fairly calm scene, one far removed from everyone else, from everything else. Even Caine's touch feels distant, even though Jax knows, deep in his psyche, that everything is Caine's touch.

He slowly picks up a small rock laying next to him, throwing it hard down the cliff, watching as it lands in the water below, ripples flowing outwards at the impact. Jax feels, for the first time in months, a sense of peace, the gnawing emptiness still present but slightly muted. He knows there are people to face, talks to have. But he pushes it away, again, again and again.

He thinks back to the conversation with Kinger

“Yet I think the one with the hardest time accepting it is you”

Jax had since long ago accepted his role in the circus, fitting himself well and truly into the mold ever since Ribbit's death. But what he could not accept was this horrid part of him. The remains of whatever he had once been. 

But that part of him is dead.

Jax stands, his foot teetering at the edge of the cliff. He knows it's only an adventure, the consequences of which are ill defined at best, however this decision feels almost final, comparable to the end credits of a movie.

At once he leaps

He feels the wind rush past his ears, the comfortable footing of the cliffside being replaced with nothing, nothing except the rush of air, and calm. Jax looks as the water gets close and closer to him, the waves crashing hard against the rocks at shore. He maintains his vision on them, looking, never breaking his stare. ‘

As he falls he thinks back to the circus, how everyone there – past and present – seems connected in their own way. Previously he too had been connected to them all, yet he had willingly cut that off. But that damn Pomni had come and made it all so hard, she had destroyed it

But now, Jax feels true peace. No more dragging himself through the day, tiredness previously non-existent pulling his body apart. No more hurting inside him. No more remembering everyone he had seen die

Softly he closes his eyes, his mind at peace as h-

abruptly he slams into the ground hard, there is no pain but shock ripples through his mind like stinging parasites. Quickly he looks around, confused at the increased warmth. His eyes are blurry for many seconds. But eventually he sees

It's the circus

Softly he lays himself down on the floor

“There you are Jax” Caines voice erupts, the coded apparition floating over him “How was the adventure??!!”

Jax does not respond, instead he just lays there, his eyes blurred, staring right past Caine. His chest feels hollow, increasingly widening like a cavern slowly being remade by the running water rushing for hundreds of years.

“Come on now Jax” Caine's voice says, slight panic evident “I bet you loved slashing through the npcs”

Jax does not move a muscle. Not even his eyes. He simply stares, his pupils dancing like black worms over his eyes. Out of the corner of his eyes however he can see Ragatha, she must have heard the fall

“Jax?” Ragatha asks, a weird concern evident in her voice “Are you okay?”

Finally Jax stands up, his ears and back noticeably sagging as he does. Ragatha is standing, looking at him, her eyes filled with the half fake half real concern he is so used to. Pomni is also there now, looking at him, her eyes drifting away at times, the awkward nature of their relation to each other still not being patched up

Jax looks at both of them for a minute, his mind almost non-existent. His heart feels weird, almost melancholic, as if it was dunked into cold unforgiving water. However he does respond eventually

“Im fine” He says, his tone icy and distant

“Oh alright” Ragatha says, her tone shaky “Well i gue-”

“No” Pomni says, her voice hard and accusatory "You're not alright”

Jax looks at Pomni, his eyes unchanged, but there is a fire there. 

‘Why doesnt she just f*cking drop this” Jax thinks

“Leave me alone” Jax says, swiftly turning around and walking away

Pomni however is not content to simply let the clearly hurting man walk away, so she follows. Leaving Ragatha behind

Chapter Text

She did not know what to do with her hand. She knew what she wanted to do, she wanted to throw the damn door open, she wanted to walk right in, confronting the rabbit with a brave face and a facade of strength. Yet as she had been standing there it all seemed too daunting, like viewing the task of sisyphus, the steep mountain of anxiety, self doubt and hesitation. However she quickly came up with a compromise

Her gloved jester hand knocked lightly on the door. The taps were quieter than she had wanted them to be, on account of the glove on her hand, however she knew she had gotten Jax’s attention. The quiet shuffling inside the rooming being enough evidence for her

“Ja… Jax?” Pomni asked, her voice unsure and all too shaky

After her question had rung out she waited, her leg shaking anxiously as she waited for a response, for any response. Time passed, although nothing came, not even the shuffle of clothes or air. Whatever Jax had been doing in his room, he had clearly stopped, now instead remaining perfectly still

“Listen I kno-” Pomni says, stopping in the middle of the sentence “I know you probably don't really want to talk- well I mean you already told me you didn't want to talk” Pomni stops again, she is meandering, her mind dragging her off the path she needed to desperately stay on. Swiftly she refocused

“Well whatever just. I feel like we had something, and I know you do too” Pomni said, her voice gaining a small amount of certainty, a facade of strength.

Pomni hears a small shift in the room, its the smallest sound one that many would write off. Pomni however latches on to hit, remaining perfectly still as she waits for a response. Yet no response comes. So she continues

“And well I'm sorry for hitting you and all that” Pomni said, the sour memory of their argument souring her mood somewhat “Please just come out.”

Silence followed

Not even the noise of any breath was evident. He was ignoring her. Pomni’s facade fell

“Just talk to me Jax”

Her hands landed on the door softly, as if she was trying to push it open. She felt as if each second of time between them was an ever deepening canyon between them, the bond they both had invested time into eroding, quickly. Her stomach felt like ice, a horrid cooling sensation running through her entire body. 

“Jax… please” Pomni cried out, not being able to hold back the tears any longer

They ran over her face in thick fast streams, her facade gone completely as she began dry heaving outside his door. This could not be how this day would end, Pomni refused to accept it. But really what could she do? Slowly she slid down to the ground, laying herself against the wall next to Jax's door

It hurt her so damn badly. She craved Jax’s company so badly, it was confusing considering how mean he was, how utterly horridly he treated her and how often he froze her out. Even if you excluded what he did to the others it did not look good. Yet still she craved his company, even the smallest interaction filling her digital heart with something fully unexplainable

She hugged herself closer to the wall, trying to press her body into the material. She felt the exhaustion then, a rippling wave of depletion. Her exhaustion had followed her through the days, dragging her down as whatever constituted sleep in this world failed again and again to soothe her. 

Now she was laying in the hallway, tired, alone and dejected.

She began thinking back through the day's events, playing it all back like a roll of film. She thought back to the practice shooting in the hallway, how free she had felt and how Jax’s advice had legitimately helped. She thought back to shooting at Kinger and Ragatha, how during that time how she actually began to understand Jax’s views, it was just a game after all.

Then however she got too close, and he bit back. 

More sobs erupted from her at the recollection, her hurt spilling down onto her jester outfit. The memory continued playing in her head unabated, the view of his manic face showing, his eyes huge, his smile so deeply fake. She knew it was fake, that it was all an act, however the words still hurt, badly

She continued crying, the last bits of her energy disappearing as she exhausted herself. Eventually sleep won her over, her eyes started to close as she fell into slumber

Now however she stood, again, in front of his door. She knows what she has to do, she has to talk, so scream to yell, it probably won't be the most healthy talk but the only therapy they can hope to get from here will be with a set of floating teeth.

She had been watching Jax during the day, trying to get some information on how he was doing, however that had only made her worry more. For starters his arm. Pomni had never seen that before, it was a foreign look, looking like pierced together scar tissue, a harsh contrast to the rest of the purple of Jax. That in and of itself was not that worrying, instead Ragatha's reaction was in focus. She had clearly seen that before, and clearly she had wanted to say a lot more. This meant that the scarring was something the girl had seen before. This was especially worrying since Ragatha had most likely, from what Pomni could gather, been in the circus for a long… long time

Then there was his behavior. Usually he was so wildly energetic, running here and there in order to bother everyone else. But now after everything he just seemed muted, he hasn't harassed Gangle, he hasn't bantered with Zooble, he hasn't even annoyed Ragatha. He has also isolated himself to the fullest, not even having discussions or even talking with any of them. The exception being Kinger

The talk Jax had with Kinger floated in her mind as well. Pomni had stumbled upon the older man in the ninja adventure, silently she still thanked Caine for making the adventure so dark. Kinger had gently explained the talk he had with Jax, so caringly going over his explanations of the events. 

Then lastly, to finish off Pomin's list of suspicions, there was the meeting with Jax. After the whole adventure the entire gang had been summoned by Caine to the showroom where they normally meet, well everyone except Jax. Caine quickly realized this as he disappeared behind one of the decorations of the circus, summoning another portal which, judging from the sound of someone hitting the floor hard, quickly made Jax appear

Now at first Pomni did not really want to spy on Jax, he probably was not doing so well and frankly she was still mad at him. But her curiosity kept her largely interested in the discussion, plus she wondered why Jax had run off during an adventure that was almost custom made for him. So she had followed behind Ragatha

The meeting was short, but incredibly telling. Jax looked tired, his ears hanging lazily over his head, and his eyes were downcast, it reminded her of those cartoonish representations of insomnia you would see in cartoons. It really was not Jax, at least this wasn't what he portrayed himself to be

The mask was slipping, and fast

Pomni is thrown back into the present as she stares at his door, it is so painfully familiar. It feels comparable to looking at a photo of someone who recently passed, the person fading away but the memory being etched into paper. Now Pomni is looking at his door, at his picture, and she feels the same. It’s as if he is running through her hands like sand, disappearing without Pomni being able to control it at all

Quickly she shakes her head in an attempt to rid her thoughts of worries that she really can't control, instead she shakes her head and steels herself. This is going to be a painful conversation

Slowly Pomni puts her hand in her pocket, taking a deep breath as she feels her nerves calm

She is ready

Its growing

Horrid black tendrils creeping up from his arm, cracking his skin as it eats at him. He doesn't understand it, frankly it's not him, yet it occupies the space where he is, or where he should be. His fingers too scratch, it scratches deep into the edges of the black abyss, carving canyons into his skin, canyons that disappear under the march of black code

Is he doing this?

Was this what Ribbit went through, did he also torture himself into the endless abyss? Did he also bury himself in the doubt and meaningless present in the circus? Did he really let himself be swallowed by whatever haunted him?

Tears spill from his eyes

Not for himself, he has no more tears to cry for his own mangled form. No, instead he cries to the thought that his friend had gone through this exact same thing, because of him. Hell it always goes back to that, always back to him. As long as he had been here, it had always been his fault hadn't it

He looks back to the black cavern that encompassed his left arm

There were more eyes there now, horrid things that stared up at him. He wanted to puke, his stomach hurt so much simply looking at it, he felt like there were knives digging in his stomach. Turning and twisting inside his coded flesh

He hates it all

The abstracted skin had hidden itself away earlier, discussing itself as sacred tissue. Yet that didn't help, he had seen the same on Kaufmo and Ribbit earlier, and he knew that Ragatha knew. It was only a matter of time now

How much time did he have

Is it minutes. Would his entire body horridly twitch and grow unnaturally? His form twisting to an unrecognizable giant form. Or is it hours. Will he slowly change, his body slowly being eaten by the horrid eyes, his smooth textures being replaced with horrid, sharp rectangles. Whatever happens to him, he just hopes he will lose whatever remains of his psyche, after all he really does not want to be trapped down underneath in the dark, for all the circus faults it at least is colorful. His focus shifts lazily to the wall, his mind doing anything it can think of to distract himself.

Yet he cant

His focus always sits on some part in worry, in the stress that he will possibly abstract. It sets him on edge, this feeling of losing control making his mind spiral into deeper and deeper caverns. In the circus he has grappled with this loss, the feeling of never being able to hold everything in place, and as time has gone on it only became worse. First it was Ribbit, being pushed away by Jax’s ever deepening need to hold everything here, to control. Now he lost his own inner mind, himself

God he hates this

He hates it all, he hates his ever growing list of harmful and idiotic decisions, he hates his mind and its ever growing spiraling, he hates himself for the years of harm he has given to others. He thinks back to what Kinger had told him

“Yet the one with the hardest time accepting it is… you”

Jax knows Kinger is right, he knew it then and he knows it now, in fact he had realized this years ago. He knows it, he knows he acts like something else with the flawed logic of “protecting” himself. What scares him however is the fact that he doesn't know who the real him is. It is buried so far down that Jax can not even begin to imagine what he would be like, or who he would become

The circus took the people you had once been and destroyed it

You had no memories, no recollection of your life or who you were beyond a few minor memories that you could dig up if you were lucky. Then the constant stream of hyper adventures, cartoonish logic, and existential torture under Caine would make you crack. Some would abstract, some would go crazy, and a very few would survive. However what they all shared was that their personality, their very essence was shaped by the circus. All of them had been reborn in this hell hole

Hell they could all be vastly different people outside of the circus. After all they had no idea how the code had copied their brains or their awareness, for all they knew it could have changed them, well if the years inside didn't already do that.

Jax looked back at his arm, watching as his fingers continued scratching and digging into his flesh. The sight made a fire grow in his stomach, lifting up each and every small part inside him. Swiftly he got up, starting to smash his fist into the wall, his fist punching and hitting indiscriminately around his room. His anger manifesting and painting itself around his room as he throws and destroys what he can

He is blind in the moment, his vision blurry and shaky, only small blurry shapes being recognized by his brain. He goes by instinct, by the very animal need to release what he has trapped inside his body for these years. All of the things he had hidden away come up to haunt him, rearing their ugly heads as they paint the walls with their presence. Now that he is done he feels almost hurt, the very thought of expressing his emotions in any way bringing him physical pain. Not only that but to be a witness to the pain now painted throughout his room. He hates it all

His breathing is jagged and heavy, coming out in bursts, slowly he surveys the room as he tries to calm his breathing. His bedsheets are thrown lazily to the floor, his desk with whatever had decorated it is now flipped, his closet is thrown open, whatever he had in there is now on the floor. It is a mess, a disorganized catastrophe caused by himself

His eyes wander around the room, his focus landing on a small green frog plush. Slowly he picks it up, holding it in his hand as he turns it around to inspect it. It was some stupid memento that Ribbit had won in some carnival adventure. Frankly, Jax found that the most interesting thing about it was that Caine hadn't deleted it. Then Ribbit had given it to him, entrusting the safety of the damned stuffed animal to him

Back then he had not really cared for the fairly ugly frog plush, viewing it as more of a small decoration in his room. Yet now it meant the world to him, it being the only memory of a friend long since passed. Slowly his fingers clenched down on the stuffed animal, holding it in a vice grip, desperate to not see it disappear right in his hands. 

He could feel the texture on his hands, the comfort the small plush brings him being enough to drown out his anger. The fire dies down quickly, the raging flames being smothered out by the wave of melancholy that washed over him. Softly he pushes the plush to his chest, pushing it hard as tears threaten to spill. Jax feels as if he can push the memory into his heart, replacing the empty void with the memory of a friend, memory of happiness

His mind eats at him as he pushes. He pushes so hard that he swears his ribs will shatter, minuscule bone fragments spreading themselves over his body. He promises himself that he will die. He needs to. He will finally be able to see them. All of them

“Jax?”

Quickly he drops the plush, his head shooting to his right to look at the jester inside his room. Pomni is standing there looking at him with empathy and horror. Jax swears he would melt into the floor and disappear forever if he could

Jax tries to speak, but he only gets out a single word “How…”

“Oh yeah well” Pomni says never taking her eyes off Jax “I went to Caine and… asked for a key to your room

She says holding up the key

“But that's.. not really important” Pomni says “Jax what… what happened?”

Jax is stunned by the simple question. His face bounces between a smile and a more neutral expression, his mind is swamped by all the chives, by all the things, all the memories and pains. His hands go up to his head, holding hard as he lets out an animalistic noise, he does not know what it is, something akin to a mix between a scream and a cry. He doesn't even register that he falls to his knees, still holding his head

He feels his soul cave in, his very essence crumbling into a void. He feels so empty, anything important or meaningful inside him removed or destroyed by the circus. The circus itself is even more empty, anyone that would care or does care staying far away. But wasn't that the plan? Is that not what he wants?

He made this, he did this. He knew why he had to, and he did it willingly. So why did he regret it so much? Why did it leave him feeling crushed and isolated? Most importantly why did it hurt all the others, distancing himself was supposed to not hurt them. They are supposed to hate him, to despise him, to leave him alone and be able to live their lives as happily as they deserve

Quickly as he falls Pomni reaches out, her hands going to the rabbits shoulders, bringing the comfort she so desperately has wanted to give for so long. She is deeply confused, Jax looks halfway to abstraction, his left arm nearly unrecognisable. Yet she can’t let it affect her

Softly she whispers to him, trying her hardest to bring him back to her. She sees that Jax is breathing hard and fast, practically shooting out his breaths as his body violently panics. However what she notices and acts on is his hand, it sits and scratches at his arm, seeming to only make everything worse

Softly Pomni intertwined her hand with Jax’s, holding him enough to stop him but not hard enough to restrain him. Jax’s eyes to go the hand holding for a second, however they quickly float away, going blurry as tears continue to run

”There, it’s okay” Pomni whispers, her own tears threatening to spill ”It’s… it’s okay”

She barely gets it out before her own tears spill, falling and running as she starts to softly cry next to him. She thinks it’s stupid for a second, her mind chastising her for the reaction. But she lets her emotions show for a second, letting her body align with Jax’s

They both feel the other deeply, pain which only the two of them relate to. A sort of thread being created between them, a razor thin line of connection, one that Jax doesn’t immediately cut off

Frankly Jax knows Pomni is getting close and closer, her eyes studying the real him, every inch of it. He knows he should push her away, throw her out and run, run until his legs ache and his throat is raw with the screaming. All the screaming spilling blood from his throat, the couching making the back lines and colourful eyes spreading ever further

But instead, just for today, he resigns himself to comfort. He lets his body drown in the sorrow it’s lived with for years, he lets himself… feel

And he does it all, with Pomni next to him

For once he doesn’t drown alone, instead he lets himself be selfish. Instead he drags Pomni down with him, the two of them floating in the sea of misery