Chapter Text
Doug was, needless to say, extremely confused. Mary had Louis and Alma both lay down in the living room and the adults sat in the dining room to fill Doug in.
"So… what? You're going to go after this guy?" Doug gasped as they concluded the retelling of the day's events.
"Well, we are," Stede said, indicating himself and Izzy. "The women can-"
"Probably kick your asses in a fight," Evelyn interupted.
"Oh, well, I don't know about that," Stede protested. Evelyn calmly reached over, grabbed Stede's wrist, and twisted. Stede squeaked in shock and spilled out of his seat to his knees. Evelyn let him go, looking bored.
"I taught her that," Izzy told Mary, happily. Stede shot him a nasty look and returned to his seat, shaking out his arm. Evelyn gave him a shit-eating smile.
"And… Evelyn, you were married to…" Doug sputtered, nodding at Izzy.
"Trust me, it was not by choice," Izzy groaned, as if he were being forced to tell the story. "Her name was Charlotte back then. We've been beating the shit out of each othe since we were nine or so. I think our parents were simply convinced that we did it because we were secretly in love."
"We were not-secretly in hate," Evelyn chuckled. "I have no idea why they made us get married at all! It was pretty obvious from the start there weren't going to be any children because, well, Izzy doesn't fuck chicks-"
"Even if I liked women, I wouldn't fuck you because I'm not into beastiality!" Izzy snarked. Evelyn laughed and made a wild-cat noise at him.
"And this never stops," Mary sighed to Doug, pointing between Izzy and Evelyn.
"It would if Izzy would stop being an asshole, but I suppose he might dissolve if he did," Evelyn said, matter-of-factly.
"Maybe I'm an asshole to you because you tried to fucking kill me!" Izzy added.
"I cant imagine you failing to kill someone you actually wanted to, Evvie!" Mary mused. "What happened?"
"Oh, I stabbed him and threw him overboard," Evelyn answered, flippantly. "I didn't stick around to make sure he was dead. I stole a dinghy and rowed my way to shore and my girlfriend Lila, before Hornigold could decide whether to flog me or keelhaul me."
"Eddie jumped in to fish me out," Izzy grumbled. Evelyn nodded as if she should have expected that answer.
"Our Ed?" Stede chirped. Izzy nodded. "Oh, that was sweet of him!"
Everyone gave him a look.
"I am so confused," Doug sighed.
"About what, muffin?" Evelyn asked. Izzy made a face.
"Muffin?" he gagged.
"About…well… All of it?"Doug sputtered.
"Ok… so…" Mary prompted.
"You're real name is Charlotte?" Doug asked Evelyn, who was lighting a new cigarette and puffed smoke in his direction as she nodded. Izzy flicked his fingers at her and she handed him a cigarette without a word. Stede made a face as Izzy lit it and smoke billowed over him.
"And you were married to… uh… I-I-Izzy was it?" Doug stammered out.
"Yup," Izzy sneered.
"And you're all pirates?"
"Well, Mary isn't," Stede corrected. Mary glared in his direction and he hastily added, "Yet."
"And a pirate hunter came in here and tried to take Mary and the kids hostage to force you to betray Blackbeard and a Pirate Queen? And now you have to go off for revenge?" Doug concluded.
"Yes, dear, you got the way of it. Doesn't sound like youre confused at all!" Evelyn cooed, patting Doug's head as if he were a puppy.
"You can watch the kids, right, dear?" Mary asked him.
"Of course. Yes, no problem. But… Darling, please promise you'll be careful! Don't do anything too dangerous!" Doug whined. Izzy rolled his eyes.
"We're pirates! What about that says safe, you silly twat?" he sneered. Doug winced at his tone.
"Just requestiong caution," he said.
"Your wife has a type. Dumb," Izzy grumbled to Stede, who swatted his arm.
"He's an artist," Mary said, affectionately. Izzy blatantly looked Doug up and down. Doug looked confused, but seem to preen a bit under the attention.
"Oh, yeah, she definitely has a-" Izzy started to chuckle, but Mary kicked his remaining foot.
"Do you need anything from me?" Doug asked, ignoring Izzy and Mary.
"I can't think of anything," Evelyn replied.
"Just babysitting is fine," Mary asked. Doug smiled and nodded, apparently pleased that they had something he could actually do.
"I have to stop at my house. I should tell Melvin I won't be home for a few days. That boy would wait for dinner until he starved," Evelyn said as she stood.
"Melvin?" Izzy asked.
"Oh, my son. Don't worry, he's not yours," Evelyn chuckled.
"Oh, I know. We never fucked and, if we had and I got a child on you, you'd have harassed me from here to Botany Bay for it!" Izzy sneered. "Jesus fuck, you procreated! That's fucking hard news for everyone else on this earth."
"It might be a good idea to call on him anyway, for…clean up," Stede muttered, ignoring Izzy.
"Oh, yes! My Melvin is a gravedigger. His father was the undertaker before he went the way of his work," Evelyn said proudly. Izzy made a face.
"You married an undertaker?" he groaned.
"Well, I kept having to go to him to dispose of unwanted figures from my past, so marriage was convenient!" Evelyn replied.
"Bloody fuck, I'm glad you thought I was already dead," Izzy sighed.
"So how do we go about this?" Mary asked. "We should get this done sooner, rather than later. If he wants your friends that badly, he might have several plans in place."
"Let's talk to Melvin. He knows everything going on in the town. No one thinks to keep their mouths shut in front of the gravedigger. Usually, he wouldn't be telling anyone alive enough to care," Evelyn suggested. She set off out the door and down the path without another word, Mary trailing behind her. Stede, Izzy, and Doug all exchanged glances.
"While this sounds like quite the adventure, I can't say I envy you two. They're… interesting when they're together," Doug warned them. "Good luck. I hope everyone makes it back alive."
"Me too," Stede sighed. Izzy growled.
"I hope Evelyn fucking falls off the-"
"Izzy does too!" Stede interrupted, taking Izzy by the arm and following the women.
"Melvin! Company!" Evelyn bellowed as they walked through the door to her house. Mary, Stede, and Izzy all flinched at her volume.
"Hang on, I'm feeding Ned!" came a shout from the backyard.
"They're important, sweetums!" Evelyn yelled. A young man came in from the back of the house. Melvin Higgins was almost as tall as his mother, with a mop of yellow hair falling in curls around his eyes. He was built muscular, probably from digging graves and handling a wild cat, and regarded them with naked suspicion as he caught sight of them, although his face brightened noticeably when he saw Mary. He nodded at her in greeting and cast a baleful eye on Stede and Izzy.
"What's going on, Mom?" he asked.
"Well, these are Mary's pirate friends. You might remember Stede, he borrowed Ned a little whiles back to fake his death and shit?" Evelyn explained.
"Oh, yeah, the idiotic waste of space?" Melvin said.
"That'd be him!" Evelyn confirmed.
"Hey!" Stede whined.
"Anyway, my dearest boy, we need cleanup at Mary's house," Evelyn barked. Melvin rolled his eyes.
"Oh, come on, Mom! Is it Doug? It's Doug, isn't it? Did you at least not make a mess?" Melvin groaned.
"No, baby, it isn't Doug," Evelyn corrected, calmly. "He's pefectly alive and watching Mary's children. However, we had a run-in with some unsavory assholes and now Mommy's gotta go and turn their boss' insides into outsides."
Melvin frowned.
"How many? I have only one grave open right now," he sighed. He saw Stede frowning and sighed.
"No one checks graves for extras and, if you put the extra body under a coffin, no one notices."
"There's two. Looks like Ned gets a little treatsie!" Evelyn replied. Melvin shrugged in agreement.
"So, Melvin, you met Stede, granted for only like five seconds, but that's enough for anyone! But this is Izzy Hands."
"Izzy? Asshole Ex Husband #1 Izzy?" Melvin asked. Izzy scowled at him.
"Yes, honey, that's him," Evelyn confirmed.
"Fucking hell, you didnt tell me he was this short," Melvin snorted. He wasn't as tall as his mother, but he was close. Izzy immediately backed away from him to stand by Mary.
"Anyone ever tell you you're just like your fucking mother?" Izzy sneered.
"All the time," Melvin replied. "You're almost an asshole boogieman from my childhood. So, what do I call you? Like… I don't know if you're like my stepdad or…"
"I am not. Fuck that shit!" Izzy snapped. Melvin was visibly relieved.
"Thank fuck! I don't think I'd want you as a parent, even if it's a step-off."
"Watch it, you little fuck-face!"
"Melvin, have you heard any rumors of pirate hunters or the like?" Stede asked, trying to steer the conversation before Izzy and Melvin tried to kill each other. Melvin nodded.
"Yeah. A bunch of soldiers were in the pub last night," Melvin said. "They bought me a drink because they thought I was a simpleton and "it was charity", the dumb pigs. There's this guy who thinks he's a prince or something and is making these grandiose speeches about killing pirates."
"Yeah, that tracks," Stede muttered. "Was there anything else?"
"His ship is called The Henry and his men think he's a dork," Melvin chuckled. "No one likes him, they only follow him because they're ordered to. They kept calling him "Noseless Nelly" and "Schnozz"."
Stede and Izzy both snorted and tried to stifle it.
"Men are so juvenile," Mary sighed.
"Oh, come now, Mary, you saw his face! You know, Spanish Jackie popped his nose off for her nose jar! She collects, you see," Stede said. Evelyn smiled.
"Aww, Jackie is still doing the nose thing?" she asked, obviously delighted.
"I broke the jar my first time in her tavern," Stede said with a wince.
"Ooh. Wow, I'm surprised she didnt pull your guts out through your ass!" Evelyn laughed.
"She nearly did," Stede grumbled. "So, we find this ship The Henry, get on board, and kill the little bastard!"
"Yeah, great plan," Izzy drawled sarcastically. "You left out how to get on board the ship through military guard on the dock, then get on the ship without being seen, find the little fucker, kill him, and get back out again with our asses intact! Important details, those. Are we also ignoring the fact that the last time you made the plans, I got fucking shot?"
"Stede, you got Izzy shot?" Mary cried.
"Not my fault!" Stede snapped. "If nothing else, I am not the one who didn't check Ricky for a concealed pistol!"
"I wouldn't have had to if you just killed him outright, like I wanted to!" Izzy growled.
"Are they always like this?" Melvin asked his mother.
"I'm pretty sure they are. Don't worry, honey, someday you'll find someone you'll love to fight with, too!" Evelyn told him.
"Yeah, fucking love of everyone's life, I am," Izzy groused. Sted ran a hand across Izzy's back.
"You really are to me, though," Stede said affectionately. "I don't know what I would do without you and… Oh, my god, Izzy! What if Ricky knows Ed is nearby? We're docked the next town over, but he could find him!"
Izzy's faced twisted in a rictus of frustration and rage.
"Motherfucker!" he spat.
"Izzy… Ricky knew we would be here," Stede groaned. "He even knew who Evelyn was, and she hasn't used her real name in twenty years. If he's that well informed, it would stand to reason that he would know Edward is at least nearby."
"Who's Edward?" Melvin asked.
"Blackbeard. Pirate. My boyfriend," Stede answered. "Well, Izzy's too, but not really, they're figuring things out, slowly, and-"
"Oh, Blackbeard! Yeah, that's the dude the military guys were talking about!" Melvin said. "Apparently Mr Schnozz tortured a bunch of pirates to find that guy. The soldiers said they knew he was around, but not where, so they were going to go grab his wife and force them to…. Ohhhhh. They meant you."
"Izzy, we have to warn him!" Stede squeaked. "Wait, they said I was his wife?"
"Fucking focus, Bonnet! Before you fucking panic like a goddamn twat, Melvin here just said Prince Pinocchio doesnt know exactly where Eddie is," Izzy said calmly. "Now, think about it. If forcing us to betray him failed, what is the next thing the fucking twat is likely to do?"
"……Wait for us to try to warn Edward and follow us," Stede sighed.
"Good boy. So we can't do that," Izzy said.
"We have to assume from here on out that we are being watched and followed," Evelyn added. "Melvin, after you're done cleaning up the mess in Mary's front hallway, could you please keep an eye on Doug and the little ones? Just in case?"
Melvin nodded with a smile.
"Yeah, sure Mom. Can I teach the kids how to-"
"Nope! No matter what it is, I think not," Stede interjected. Melvin glanced at his mother, who seemed to agree, albeit begrudgingly.
"Going to the Henry right off is probably a good way to get shot. Even if they aren't following us, I don't think we can sneak onto that ship," Izzy grumbled, rubbing a hand through his hair.
"What about what we did in Nova Scotia?" Evelyn asked, tapping Izzy on the arm.
"Harbor is too crowded," Izzy replied. Stede frowned and Izzy rolled his eyes. "We were trying to steal a rival crew's cargo after they double-crossed us. We swam around to the side opposite the dock and climbed the ship from the waterline. Killed them all in their sleep."
"Well, if we had a good distraction elsewhere, I don't think that anyone will pay attention," Mary suggested.
"Would finding a dead body be good enough? If it was discovered in the exact right area to cause a lot of chaos?" Melvin asked. Izzy chewed his tongue, working it out in his mind.
"What type of ship is the Henry? Sloop, brigantine?" Izzy asked. Melvin made a noncomittal noise.
"It has sails…" he said with a shrug. Izzy ground his teeth.
"Fine. Does it take up the whole dock, or just half?"
"I dunno."
"Well that's fucking helpful," Izzy grumbled.
"Hey, it ain't my fault I don't know shit about boats," Melvin snapped. "I haven't been sailing since the fucking dawn of time, like you, old dude!"
"Of course it isn't your fault, dearie. You've actually been quite helpful!" Evelyn assured him, grabbing Izzy by the arm and swinging him away from Melvin. "Now go clean up Mary's place. We will let you know when we need that distraction. Make it really gross, ok, baby?"
Melvin gave Izzy and Stede a annoyed glance through his curls and slouched away.
"A fine young lad," Stede said, unconvincingly.
"Eh, he helps out. I love the boy, but he has the sense of a dead donkey sometimes," Evelyn sighed, before turning to Mary. "So, darling, I think this calls for a change of outfit!"
"Oh, so you're not pulling off this mission looking like a fucking dead harlot?" Izzy sneered sarcastically.
"I made a fucking good harlot, thank you," Evelyn replied, coolly. "You know, we can't all dress like we're attending our own funeral."
Stede snorted and Izzy slapped him upside the head. Mary coughed to cover a delighted giggle.
"Come on, let's find us some more sensible murder clothes," Evelyn said, linking her arm in Mary's and heading down the hall.
"Bear in mind, we don't have time for you two to fuck each other before we leave!" Izzy yelled after them. Evelyn sighed dramatically over her shoulder.
"Oh, Izzy, I'm good at what I do. It would take no time at all!" she chuckled. Mary shot Stede a salacious smile and he let out a strangled noise.
"I don't care if it's three seconds, no fucking!" Izzy shouted. Both women rolled their eyes and continued down the hall.
"Fuck that shit," Mary twittered.
"Oh, honey, I am totally-" Evelyn's purr was cut off by a door slamming. Stede and Izzy were left standing together awkwardly in the hall.
"You know, Izzy, if they do, then we-" Stede ventured, reaching for Izzy's hand.
"Fuck off, Bonnet, I am so far out of the mood for sex, even with you, I might as well be on the goddamn moon!" Izzy snapped. Stede recoiled.
"I was just trying to cheer you up," he mumbled.
"Bonnet, love, my ex-wife is in the other room with your ex-wife, naked and… doing things!" Izzy groaned. "That is so much of a fucking turn off that I'm frankly surprised my cock isn't turning inside out!"
"Yuck, you have a point. So, shall we try to make a plan while they do their…uh… girly things?" Stede asked.
"Oh, god, fucking rephrase that, you goddamn twat!" Izzy gagged. A giggle and a delighted squeal reached them.
"Ignore them," Stede mumbled. They stood, unmoving, except for occasional shuffles of discomfort.
The sounds got louder, morphing into gasps and rhythmic breathing. Izzy growled wordlessly and grabbed Stede's hand.
"Fuck, I can't have her outdoing me," he muttered. "I just don't want to hear them. Come on, love, you're getting bent over the kitchen counter. Just make sure you're loud about it!"