Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It is an unusually boring day in South Park. The new kid was walking back home after a boring day at school. Many wild things have happened in their life so they're just hoping for peace and quiet today without those boys. It's been years since those crazy incidents, and people still refer to the new kid as the new kid even though they're no longer new. They did leave quite an impact after all, at least those days are over and they can relax.

Fate didn't want the new kid to have a peaceful life, however. As they were walking, they bumped into Stan, which made them fall on the ground. “Oh shit! Sorry, new kid,” he apologised and helped them up, but the new kid didn't respond as usual. 

“I'm glad I found you. Cartman has been nagging me to find a member for this club or whatever. It's about literature, mostly the smutty kind. Can you please join us?” Stan said, but again, the new kid just stared blankly at him.

Stan sighed, wondering why he was even expecting the new kid to say something. “Please? I know it sounds a bit weird but we need your help! Come on… we have cupcakes!”  

The new kid's expression changes, looking slightly more interested. “Great! Then come with me, new kid!” Stan leads the new kid to the literature club which is basically just Eric's room.

As they enter the room, the other three seem to already be there. Eric was the first one to acknowledge the new kid's presence. “Ah, new kid… wait, new kid? What are you doing here?”

“They're here to join the club, Cartman,” Stan replied.

“But the new kid does not fit the literature vibe at all, I've only heard them speak once! Unless… you read that kinda stuff, new kid?” Eric raised his eyebrow, looking suspicious of the new kid's intentions. “Look, I don't play games, new kid! This is a very serious thing and we can't lose! I get it, you always wanna join my team because I'm a totally awesome person you look up to. But all you do is fart, and girls aren't into that, so you might drive them away!” 

Kyle sighs. “ Look, maybe the new kid is here because they actually like literature, or in this case… smut. Besides, the girls trust the new kid, maybe they can help us get more girls to join our club.”  

Stan looked at the new kid who was expecting cupcakes right now. “Well, they're just here for the cupcakes. Where did you guys put them?”  

“Mmmph mph mmph.” Kenny's words are muffled as always but he seems annoyed at Eric.

Stan groans. “Seriously?! Cartman, why did you have to finish up all the cupcakes? I thought we were gonna use them to bribe girls to join our club!” 

“It's not a big deal! I'm sure the new kid would still want to help their friend in need.” Eric looks at the new kid expectantly with puppy dog eyes but the new kid just turns around, getting ready to leave.

“Wait!” Kyle puts a hand on the new kid's shoulder to stop them from leaving. “Look, we're sorry that fatass couldn't control his gluttony. Please just help us! I promise I'll bake you lots of cupcakes.” 

The new kid thinks about it for a moment before turning back to the boys. Kyle looks relieved. “Okay, now I'm sure you're wondering what this is all about. Come and sit down so we can explain it to you.”

The new kid sits down, wondering what kind of mess these guys have created this time. “Okay… so you know Craig? We bet $100 to see who can get more girls to join their club because Cartman thinks that heterosexual boys know more about women than homosexual boys. But well… Craig's winning. The girls seem to love his petting club,” Stan explained. All the boys seem to be in another stupid situation again.

Kyle glares at Eric. “It's all because of Cartman's stupid idea! I knew we shouldn't have gone for a literature club where you just read smut!”

“Look, maybe we should just accept defeat. We've only got like 15 days, there's not enough time for this crap. Craig has basically already won! So… I say ALL of us just split the payment equally. Right, new kid?” Stan asked, implying he also wants the new kid to pay a part of their stupid debt. 

“I mean, yeah, that way it'll just be 20 dollars each. You will help us, right new kid? I mean, you are a part of the team so this is kind of your responsibility too.” Oh great, now it's Kyle too. Everyone seems to be forcing the new kid to pay for the shit they didn't even know about until today.

Eric surprisingly doesn't force the new kid yet because he doesn't want to get beaten by Craig and he certainly does not wanna give up 20 bucks. “No way! I'm not losing women to a homosexual! They've all been brainwashed by his stupid pet! I truly know what girls want, and they want books with filthy sex scenes!”  

“But what can we even do about this? We have zero girls in our club.” Stan said, not looking optimistic about their chances.

Eric rolls his eyes. “Craig hasn't won yet! His idea is lame and he's only got one animal to pet! The girls will get bored with that guinea pig eventually! You'd better help us with this new kid! I mean, you could be a girl for all we know. Whatever you are, you seem to have your ways with the ladies.”

“That's true. The new kid is good at making friends… and enemies. Maybe we can use their popularity to attract more girls?” Kyle suggested.

Stan thinks about it for a moment. “Is that really such a good idea? I don't think we should use the new kid's powers, at least not early on. I think we should save that as our last resort.” 

Eric looks annoyed when thinking about the whole situation. “Alright, we can use the new kid if there's seriously no chance. But I still can't believe Craig is winning! I mean, we're the ones attracted to girls, not him! Why the heck is some stupid petting club more popular than a literature club?! I just don't get it! I thought all the ladies would instantly join our club because they enjoy book porn way more than video porn!”

“Mmmph mmph mmph mmph!” Kenny is mumbling some wise words.

Stan nods “Yeah, he's right. Girls won't just admit they're into that, especially not to boys. We'll need to actually sound like professionals or whatever.” 

Kyle raised his eyebrow “Yeah, they might think we're perverts if we just ask them to join a club where you can read smutty books. We need to actually understand it and the art behind it.” 

Then suddenly, as if a light bulb flickered in Eric's head, he thought of something genius probably. “You guys! I have an even better idea! What if we pretend we're in a dating sim?”

They all looked at Eric, puzzled by his idea. Kyle was the first to judge it. “And how will that help us?”

“It's simple, to understand girls… we need to be girls! We can dress and act like the heroines in a dating sim and fight for the guy we like!” Eric looked almost proud of his idea. “Oh, and let's have the new kid be our protagonist because they're the epitome of androgyny. That way you guys won't feel too homo or hetero, you'll just feel neutral!” 

Kyle rolls his eyes. “That's ridiculous, Cartman! We're not gonna cross-dress and try to charm the new kid to understand girls!” 

Stan nods, agreeing with Kyle. “Yeah, that's a bit too much. Besides, I'm with Wendy, there's no way I'll flirt with the new kid.”

Eric brushes off concerns as usual. “You can just tell Wendy that this is a game! Besides, it's all just acting, it's not like we'll actually fall for the new kid even though they've got the nonchalant cha(rizz)ma.” 

Kyle looked confused. “The… what?” He sighed before getting back to the main topic. “Look, why do we have to act like we're dating sim characters? I think that's just a waste of time.”  

“So we can understand how girls feel when they read books! Look, let's just not do the crossdressing bit and just act like girls in a literature club who all have fantasies about the protagonist. Then we express our feelings through poems, use metaphors and shit to make it deep.” Eric's got a vision and he doesn't want to back down. 

“Mmmph mmph!” Sounds like agreement from Kenny. I mean, the guy does crossdress as Princess Kenny, this shouldn't be a shocker. “Mmph mmph mmph?”

Eric looks confused. “What's an eroge? Can you stop using so much Japanese terminology? Just say the English version, goddammit!”

“Mmph mmph mmmph mmph mmph!” It seems like Kenny's explaining what he was referring to.

The boys all looked shocked. Kyle was the first to speak up. “Dude, no way! We're not gonna do all that! This is real life and NOT a game!” 

“I don't know, that kinda makes sense. I mean, the girls like the dirty stuff in books so why not add this bit for realism?” Eric's vision is heading down a bad route.

“That's way too much! Can't we just stick with the normal dating sim idea?!” Good thing Stan is also against it.

“Fine… I guess it is a little too much for us. But we're all on board with the dating sim idea, right? Come on, guys! We're in high school, the perfect dating sim setting!” They all look reluctant to agree to Eric's stupid idea. 

Eric sighed because he would need to find another way to motivate them. “Okay, whichever one of us the new kid falls for, they'll have to give the winner 20 dollars and do their homework for 2 weeks.”

“Well, that sounds a lot more fair now. Thanks for agreeing to this new kid.” Stan said, acting as if the new kid actually did give their full consent to this.

Kyle looks like he was about to say something, to actually defend the new kid for once but Eric interrupts him. “Look, the new kid will have to do it or else the story won't progress!”

Kenny nods. “Mmph mmph mmph mph mmph!”

“Breaking walls? What does that have to do with this?” Kyle questions what the heck is going on but Cartman interrupts him again with his loud voice.

“ANYWAY, everyone settle down so I can explain the game and the characters I'm gonna give you.” Eric turns serious, looking like a villain plotting something. 

Kyle doesn't trust Eric, ever. “Characters? Are you gonna give us dating sim characters or something?” 

“Nah, I'm making up those TOTALLY original characters. Okay… Stan, you'll be the new kid's childhood friend who you're also neighbours with. You'll be seen as the happiest and most positive kid in the world, all rainbows and sunshine. You wanna help everyone around you but you never help yourself. Because you've got a hidden side, the side where you wanna kill yourself. You don't tell that to anyone because you don't want to burden them and just want them to be happy, but the new kid is different. Only the new kid, who sees your deep layers and troubles, can save you, or else you die in any route that isn't about you.” 

“This is… not very cutesy at all. And how come I die if the new kid doesn't get with me? Don't you think that's a bit too much?”

“It's art, bro. You don't get it. Anyway, Kyle is next. You'll be the trope people call ‘tsundere’ and act like a bitch to the one you like or just everyone in general. You're known as the cute one, and it makes you angry and extra cute. You want to find a rich husband— a typical Jew— so you can escape your abusive father. So far, the hobbies you enjoy are reading manga and baking, a way to relax from all the pain. You feel hopeless and lash out to avoid getting hurt again but then the new kid shows up, and of course, they're different. Maybe the new kid will be the one to free you and melt your icy heart as they give you the safety and comfort you never had. Otherwise, you'll probably just stay at home with your abusive father forever.” 

“You did not have to make a Jew joke and you did not have to give me a tragic backstory! These are way too specific, how long are we going to be playing this for?”

“Shush, Kyle! Angst builds character and makes everything more interesting. And you'd know all about that, Kenny, because you are the book lover who uses them to escape reality. Your character is quiet and shy, and people wouldn't think much more of you but you've got passions and interests too! Like horror books and knives, not something you'd expect from someone gentle. But you wouldn't want people to think you're weird even though you totally cut yourself and jack off to hardcore things. You just want validation and to be able to express yourself freely with no judgments, and we obviously know that the new kid is different. You can't help but get attached and have obsessive feelings for them, but the new kid will show you how to express these difficult feelings and never judge you at all. Or else, you'll brutally kill yourself.” 

“Mmmph mmph mmph mmph mmmmph mph mmmph! Mmmph mmph mmmph!” 

“I know it sucks that there is only one good ending for each character but we need stakes in games to increase emotional impact. Now, we save the best for last! I, the one who the new kid will most likely fall for, am the president of the club who's perfect in every way! I'm popular, smart, and athletic! Heck, I even know how to play the piano and everyone just keeps on saying they'd be so lucky to have me as their girlfriend! Like, the new kid should NOT even bother with me because I'm literally impossible to get. Seriously, how can a blank slate protagonist who's only there to be the self-insert for the player realistically have a chance with the hottest girl in school? But who knows, maybe the new kid really is different and finds something deeper within me that nobody is aware of. Best of luck, new kid. Make sure to pick the coolest girl.”

After that long ass paragraph, the other 3 stare at Eric like he's crazy. “That's not fair! How come we have emotional troubles while you're just the perfect character?” Stan complained.

Kyle agrees. “Yeah, and your character is pretty much the opposite of you anyway. You can't just give yourself the upper hand and say that the new kid will most likely fall for you! Besides, you didn't even tell us what your bad ending is.” 

“Fine, my bad ending is that the new kid gets NTRed or whatever.” Wow, how did Eric know this but not eroge? 

Kenny again seems familiar with Japanese terms because he's the kawaii princess of Japan sometimes. “Mmph mmph mmph mph mmmph?”

Kyle shakes his head in disgust and disappointment. “Ew, that's what it means? Why do you just keep on making this weirder, Cartman?” 

“Look, dating sims originate from Japan and they're into pretty much into everything! I'm just trying to make this realistic.” Eric seems quite knowledgeable about this topic.

Stan glares at Eric. “No more weird shit if you want us to play this.”

“Fine! We start tomorrow and you guys need to act like your characters in front of the new kid, make sure they get mesmerised by your charms! Remember, the new kid can only choose one of us. I'll text you guys if you forget your roles or whatever.” Eric turns to the new kid. “Anyway, we're in this together, okay? We'll be sure to beat Craig.” He gives them the thumbs up, acting as if the new kid agreed to his whole shenanigans.

The boys go back to chatting about random things and the new kid just blankly stares at them, wondering why they got dragged into weird shit by these guys again. It's as if they can never escape these assholes. Now they'll just have to play along and get this over with… and pay 20 bucks and do homework for whoever they choose. Wow, that sucks. They could've at least given the new kid a reward.

Fuck, Eric Cartman! They think to themselves, already ruling him out as an option to date because they don't want him as the winner. 

Chapter Text

In the literature club GC:

Eric: Don't forget to write love poems for the new kid. 

Stan: Do we really need to?

Eric: Yes, it's a literature club! We need to be poetic because girls like that. You can write one too, new kid. Ofc, for your favorite girl!

Kyle: This is dumb.

Kenny: Agreed.

Eric: SHUT UP EVERYONE! 

It seems like Eric is forcing everyone to write poems. The boys, including the new kid, are all writing poems about who knows what. The next day, the new kid heads out after grabbing a toast which Eric insisted everyone should have when going to school. 

Just then, the new kid hears a voice calling out to them. They turn around and it seems to be Stan who's also eating toast. “Sup, new kid– I mean, hey! Good to see you, my childhood friend! You're eating toast too, huh? We're matching, hehe. It makes sense that we think alike because we grew up together and are very close!”

The new kid doesn't show much emotion and has had the same resting face since birth, but goddammit do they wanna laugh so badly right now. Stan noticed the subtle change in their expression and he now looked very embarrassed. “Hey! I'm trying my best here! The example videos Cartman sent aren't very helpful.” 

The new kid remembers the video, it was just clips from some harem anime—and it was fucking cringe. The love interests are distinct, attractive women with overexaggerated personalities, and their only goal is to be with the main character. Speaking of that, the main character was just your average Joe, maybe slightly below average even, and he's denser than any material.

The new kid cringes at the thought of them and the other boys having to act like that. It was even more embarrassing that the attention was on them because they're the protagonist. They'll have to endure these idiots acting like cute anime girls, and judging by how they almost laughed at Stan, they might not last long. 

“So, I'm so glad you joined the literature club! I was worried about you because you haven't been hanging around us as much as you used to! I just… really missed our time together because we used to hang out a lot as kids, and now you're just a shut-in otaku.” Stan continues to be the bubbly, caring, childhood friend persona he was assigned to. 

It was a weird walk to the bus stop, Stan kept on rambling about who knows what? The new kid wasn't listening because listening means they'll have to listen to the anime persona. Good thing they're with the other boys now, or maybe not. Maybe they're worse. Kyle and Eric seem to be eating toast as well. They both seem to be bickering about something again. 

“Oh, hello there, new kid. Why I'm happy to see you again. It seems like we all decided to have the same breakfast.” Eric said as if he didn't force everyone to eat toast on their way to school just to increase the anime vibes. “We have been waiting for your arrival for quite some time. Do be more early, it'll help us discuss more things about our club.” 

“It's about time, new kid. You were almost late, you know? We've got a lot of important things to discuss. I'll let it go just this once since you're a newbie, but don't expect me to be so gentle next time!” Kyle is putting on the tsundere act but honestly, he just sounds like a strict teacher. 

It's crazy how Kyle is actually putting up with this whole thing. The new kid hoped that at least Kyle would've objected to this somehow, so they wouldn't have to do it. To be fair, acting like a person who is mean to their crush doesn't sound that bad because you don't have to act cutely, you'll just have to rely on your looks for that. 

Just then, Kenny comes over to the bus stop. But he doesn't seem to have a toast, the item that Eric specifically asked everyone to bring. Perhaps his toaster is broken, or he's too poor to buy bread.

“Kenny! Where's your toast?! I thought I told you to bring one because that's the stuff you always need if you want to have a romantic encounter!” Eric looked mad, breaking character already. He clearly wants everyone to follow the tropes properly, he seemed a little too dedicated to this. 

Kenny sighed, “Mmph mmph mmph mmph.” he started to explain the whole situation. Though, Eric's fire still doesn't seem to be dying down. The new kid, who doesn't feel like finishing the toast, decides to give it to Kenny. They did feel kinda bad for him. As they handed the toast over, Kenny said, “Mmph mmph!” which sounds like a thank you.

“Whoa! You're just sharing a toast you've already taken a bite of? An indirect kiss doesn't just happen on the first day!” Eric looked even angrier. Honestly, what does this guy even want? The new kid is annoyed by the number of anime tropes he keeps throwing in out of nowhere.

“Well, you told the new kid to act nice to us, and they're just being nice to Kenny. They're just following your instructions. You've got too many rules with this.” Kyle breaks character as well, to talk to Eric as calmly as he can. 

Eric rolls his eyes. “Look, if you want to accurately depict anime girls in dating sims, you've got to follow the tropes as well! The new kid is making the moves way too fast. An indirect kiss shouldn't happen until WAY later. This is a slow burn, buddy.” 

Stan raised his eyebrow, confused by pretty much everything. “Giving Kenny toast is somehow the same as making moves on him? I think the new kid was just being nice, dude.”

“Because they already ate a piece of the toast and now Kenny's gonna eat that toast! Look, it makes sense according to my research! But I won't count this as a love point yet. We haven't even gone to the options bit.” Eric continues to be very strict with all this; he puts too much effort into useless things. 

While all this chatter was going around, the bus just came. Eric finally stops yapping and gets in the bus, the others follow him inside. Eric turns to the new kid. “Alright, new kid! Here's your first decision-making shit: who are you sitting with?” He looked at the new kid expectantly, obviously wanting to be picked.

The new kid stares blankly at Eric, their eyes flickering between all the boys. The new kid can't be bothered to be with any of them so they sit next to someone completely random. Why, it's Butters! “Oh, hey, new kid!”

The new kid just stares at Butters, not saying anything as usual. Eric looked mad at the new kid's decision. “Wow, you just ignore all the pretty girls and go straight to your wimpy friend who gets no bitches?” he huffs and reluctantly goes over to sit next to Kenny.

Stan sits down next to Kyle, looking around, noticing there are a lot of people. “Look, Cartman, we might as well not play this thing right now… at least, not in front of the others. Just let the new kid do their thing.” 

Kyle nodded, not wanting to act out all the cringe things in public. “Yeah, that'll ruin our whole reputation. I'd rather not do this in front of everyone. We'll be known as those ‘weebs’ or whatever if we do.”

Eric does love his reputation way too much for it to be ruined. “Fine, you big pussies! We'll only act like this in our club!” he said, acting tough but he's just as much of a pussy, if not more than the others. 

Butters, who was listening this whole time, wonders what the boys are up to this time. “What are you talking about, fellas?” 

“Shut up, Butters! It's none of your business!” Eric dismissed poor Butters very rudely, as usual.

Craig, who was sitting nearby, stares analytically at them. The new kid seems to have joined the assholes who used his 100 dollars to become a Peruvian band, only to get deported to Peru and later learn some lore about himself and guinea pigs. All he wants is the 100 dollars back. But he knows they'll just call him a dick if he asks that so he might as well make some bet these guys can't win to get his 100 dollars back.

The new kid is essentially known as “Douchebag”, “Butthole”, whatever you wanna call them, depending on what they're playing. The new kid is the only one who's surpassed the boys in terms of being not normal. Craig is dreading the thought of having to come up with the plan to take care of them, he just wants to go home and sleep. Craig will have to do something about the new kid, they might be the biggest threat.

Later on, as the school ends, Eric wastes no time heading back to the club, aka his house. As everyone enters, he slams the door shut. “It's nice to see you all again. Especially you, new kid, latest member. We're so happy to have you here with us.” His voice sounded like a calm, cute girl, if that's what you wanna call it.

Eric clears his throat. “Alright, everyone! It's time to read out our poems that we wrote for the new kid. Afterwards, we'll read a book that embodies what women are into. How about we start with you, Stan? Come up here and read your poem out loud to us.” 

Stan sighed, but he tried to be a positive person. “Oh, I'm so excited to share my poems with my friends! I made it all cheerful and stuff because I want you to be happy when reading this, new kid!” He gets up and stands next to Eric.

“The sunshine–” Eric suddenly snatched the paper away from Stan. “Stan! This says it's written by AI!” He looked angry, acting like a teacher discovering a student cheating.

Stan rolled his eyes. “Look, I can't write poems in a day! I'm busy, okay?” 

“Ugh… just get back to your seat.” Eric throws the paper away, and Stan sits down again, feeling glad that he didn't have to read out anything. “Kenny, you can take over from here instead!”

Kenny makes his way towards the front and proceeds to read Shakespeare-level poetry. It's got all the fancy-sounding words with heavenly rhythms, satisfying the aural sensations. He goes in-depth when describing human intimacy of all things. There are no metaphors there; it was clear as day that the erotic language was used exactly for what it is. It was romantic in a weird way, but then the weirdness catches on fast.

They all stare in shock at what Kenny has just read, though people from afar might not have been able to hear it because it was muffled, but I assure you that it was the best poem of all time. The boys would've almost clapped, but the amount of details weirded them out, especially when the poem was meant to be for the new kid. The new kid themselves are speechless, in more ways than one, they just hope it's Kenny's anime persona and that he's not being serious.

“Okay… just go. Get back to your seat.” Eric doesn't even bother to question anything. He just hopes his friend won't use his amazing writing skills for evil reasons. That's a line even Eric can't cross. “So, uhh… Kyle, come on.”

Kyle goes to the front, and he looks at his poem, it was basic and short. He felt like the kid in a presentation who went right after the smartest kid. “Ahem… Roses are red, violets are blue. Without you is a dread, so can I be with you?”

That was very basic but at least it isn't written by an AI or has overly detailed sexual imagery. Eric seemed mad this time, not because the poem was short or anything. “Hey! That's plagiarism! I wrote pretty much the same time!”

Eric gets his poem and starts to read it, “Roses are red, violets are blue. You'll give me head, and I'll give you one too. See? Basically the same thing.” he pointed accusingly at Kyle. 

“Now, hold on, what's up with the lyrics?” Stan looked shocked at the crude lyrics, and of course, was weirded out again.

Eric rolls his eyes, feeling like he has to explain everything. “Oh, come on, the one Kenny wrote is way worse! I'm just trying to depict female desire in a poem. Kyle's just being a thief and stealing my style. It would've sounded cooler if I read it first.” 

Kyle grunts in annoyance. “Oh, shut up, Cartman! This is a well-known poem, pretty much everyone knows this!” 

“Whatever! Now, enough of this! I want to hear the new kid's poem so everyone sit your butt down!” Eric sits down, waiting for the new kid to go up and read the poem they've written. 

The new kid stands up and goes to the front, they get a paper out. The poem they've written is dedicated to someone here in this house. The new kid hasn't talked for ages so this is a very special moment. A moment where they read a poem they've dedicated to… 

Chapter Text

Everyone stares at the new kid in anticipation, all curious to see who they've written a poem about. The suspense was agonising and the new kid kept on looking back and forth between the poem and the boys. 

Eric became impatient and snatched the new kid’s poem so he could read it out loud. Deep down, he hopes it's about him because he obviously wants the new kid to give him 20 dollars and do his homework. 

He cleared his throat before reading:

Milky 

Your brown hair feels like silk, 

The way it flows is sexy

It reminds me of chocolate milk,

Which is very tasty. 

Your skin is smooth like butter,

You're not a criminal to me. 

You make my heart flutter,

So I hope that you agree

To go out with me, darling,

I don't mind waiting for you.

I swear it ain't a sin,

Cause I know what's true.

I'm your biggest fan,

Liane Cartman.

“WHAT THE FUCK, NEW KID?! YOU WROTE A GODDAMN POEM ABOUT MY MOM?!” Eric looks very mad, he looks like he's about to explode any minute.

“You know… that actually wasn't so bad. That's probably my favourite one out of any of these.” Stan seems almost impressed but more so amused by the fact that the poem is about Eric’s mom.

Eric gives Stan a glare “You shut up, Stan! You used AI for yours! You wouldn't understand the true art of poetry.”

Kyle looked like he couldn't hold back his laughter, but he held it back somehow. “Oh please! You used to rely on AI for everything, and you still do, Cartman. You're no better than Stan.” 

Eric grumbled in annoyance. “At least I didn't use it for my poem. Also, new kid! I said to write a poem about your favourite girl, not my mom!” 

"Mmmph mmph mmmph mmmph mmph.” Kenny seems to be backing up the new kid.

“Shut up, you perverted poet! Don't call my mom a MILF! The new kid was supposed to write a poem about one of us four! New kid, you can't just keep on choosing someone who isn't a part of the option. You NEED to pick one of us!” Eric appears to be very determined to do whatever it takes to win. 

The new kid knows they'll have to eventually pick one of these assholes but they really can't be bothered to romance any of these douchebags. Reluctantly, the new kid nods in agreement, at least to get Eric out of their hair for now. 

“Good. Ahem! I suppose we'll end the meeting early today.” Eric goes back to his girly voice and kicks everyone out of his room. 

As the group walks downstairs, they walk past Eric’s mom, Liane, in the living room. “Oh, are you already done with your meeting, sweetie? Do your friends want to join us for dinner?”

“No, mom! We're not at that stage of the game yet!” Eric said rudely to his mother. 

The new kid, who still had the poem, handed it to Liane. She looks at the poem and smiles. “Oh, a poem for me? Aww, how sweet of you. Look, Eric, mommy's got a fan now!”

“MEMMM!! You don't need to flex!” Eric suddenly drags the new kid away and out of his house while the rest awkwardly follow the two.

“Okay, new kid, no more deviation to side content! No more thirsting for Butters or my mom!” Eric glares at the new kid one last time before slamming the door on his friends.

“What a drag…” Kyle muttered, “I’ll see you all tomorrow.” He waved the group goodbye and started making his way home. 

Kenny let out a muffled ‘Bye’ before leaving as well. The new kid was about to head home, too, until they felt a small tug on the hem of their sleeves. It was obviously done by Stan because who else could've done that? 

“You wanna walk home together? We don't live that far from each other, and we might as well, since we're ‘childhood friends’ or whatever.” Stan's route has been activated.

The new kid and Stan start heading home, it was pretty awkward cause the new kid doesn't talk much, or at all. Stan decided to break this painful silence. “So… did you write that poem yourself?”

The new kid nodded and Stan looked pretty impressed. “Huh, I didn't think you'd be the poet type, new kid. Well, I don't know much about your personality anyway… other than the fact that you fart a lot.”

“But anyway, I'd like to learn more about you. And not just for the 20 dollars, but also because you're a strange, mysterious douchebag. You're just as strange as this town, perhaps even more.” Was that an insult or a compliment? Either way, the new kid will take it as a compliment.

As they walked down the snowy path, Stan suddenly bumped into a random guy. “Hey! Watch where you're—” It was a 6-foot-9-inch buff dude with lots of scars on his body. He was wearing black, thug-like clothes. 

“Tch, what did you say to me, brat?” The thug towers over the two; he's got a murderous aura. Suddenly, he pulls a pocket knife out. They are so cooked.

“Uh… sorry, I mean…” Stan stammered, backing away as the thug got closer. The new kid wonders what they should do. Should they leave Stan and run away, or run away with Stan? But before they could make a decision, Stan started running away. 

The new kid follows Stan, internally cursing him for almost leaving them to die. “Douchebag, do something! I thought you were overpowered or something! Use your butt magic!”

The new kid would love to, but that goddamn Eric Cartman made them skip taking those pills that gave them magical farts, cause it's not very protagonist to pass gas in a dating sim (unless it's a fetish), so now they don't have any overpowered farts at the moment.

“Ugh! Goddammit, why now?!” Stan looks around, trying to find any way to avoid this thug. Just then, he spots Skeeter’s Wine Bar. Perhaps his dad or any other adult he knows could be in there.

Stan grabs the new kid's arm and drags them to the bar. Inside, his dad, Randy, is there! But he seems to be drunk and is doing something weird. There's a crowd of guys surrounding him and Randy seems to be doing “cock magic” or whatever. Stan pinches the bridge of his nose, disappointed as always with whatever shit his dad is up to.

Everyone here seems to be trying to mimic whatever the hell Randy is doing with his dick. No one seems to have noticed the presence of these two teenagers as they're all too busy trying to drunkenly do "cock magic". Stan covered the new kid's eyes because it was an unpleasant sight, but it was mostly because he didn't want someone his age to witness the embarrassing things his dad was doing. 

Stan sighed, trying to ignore this nonsense as he dragged the new kid to where the bartender, Skeeter, was. The only non-drunk adult here should be that guy so he could ask him to call the police to arrest that thug. But unfortunately, the bartender isn't there. In fact, he's in the same drunken crowd of men trying to mimic Randy's awesome magic trick. 

“Well, this is just great… we walked into my dad doing weird stuff with his friends again,” Stan sat down on a chair. The thug hasn't entered this place, maybe he's intentionally avoiding it cause there are a lot of people in here. “The thug might be out there waiting for us to come out so he can pounce on us. Let's just stay here for now.”

The new kid nodded and sat down next to Stan. The two of course don't talk because the new kid hardly ever talks. In fact, they seem more fascinated by the “cock magic” show than by Stan's presence.   

Stan is starting to get bored, he can't even use his phone cause it's dead. He'd rather not watch the ridiculous show his dad is doing with his friend who is paying no attention to him. He then spots a bottle of alcohol that's labelled “special” which sparks quite a lot of curiosity inside him. 

Stan has been into alcohol since quite a young age as it gave him a sort of relief, a way to cope with this shitty world. The angel on his shoulder is telling him not to touch it, especially since he's hiding here from a thug with a friend. Being drunk would make him much more vulnerable to the situation. But, the devil on his shoulder is telling him to indulge in this “special” alcohol. Maybe the situation would be easier to deal with if he were drunk and unaware. 

The fight between Stan's ID and superego is tough, eventually, the ego chooses to at least have a little taste. He grabs the bottle of alcohol and looks at the new kid, almost mischievously. “Hey, douchebag, wanna try some of this with me? Come on, we're almost adults anyway.” 

Does the new kid care about being good or bad? Obviously not, so they decided to sip some alcohol with Stan. He pours them both some alcohol in a glass, he doesn't even need to be sneaky cause nobody here has noticed them at all. 

Although Stan's mind said he'd only take a little sip, he started to pour more and more alcohol into his glass. Eventually, he started to drink straight out of the bottle. Alongside him, the new kid started to get drunk as well. The two teenagers start dancing and giggling together, yes, even the new kid. 

Of course, even as drunk as the new kid was, they barely muttered any words but they did make a lot of sounds. While the adults were still doing “cock magic” for some reason, these two were having their own little fun. “You're the bestest, king douchebaggy butt kid! I– think– I– uhh… you're too bestest sometimes. Don't steal my– my– girlfriend, okay?” Stan stammered quite a bit, making belching noises as he spoke. 

“Let's dance again!” Stan grabs the new kid's hands and starts spinning with them, as if he is trying to make himself dizzy. The new kid just drunkenly stared at Stan, almost drooling. Then they stopped him from spinning them because they wanted to spin by themselves. This whole room was full of drunk idiots, and it certainly will continue until they all pass out and wake up the next day feeling very hungover.

This was exactly the case for the new kid, their eyes starting to flutter open to a very unfamiliar room. As their vision gets less blurry and their mind starts to process everything around them, it is very clear that this is not their room. Although the new kid feels a headache coming, they ignore that for now and try to figure out where they were.

The new kid slowly gets up, as they look down, they notice that they're in a different outfit. This was definitely not the clothes they were wearing yesterday, and these certainly weren't theirs. As their mind starts to work, it clocked in their mind that this was Stan's room. In fact, they've even seen Stan wear this shirt before. 

Oh hell nah. What kind of situation is this? The new kid does remember being very drunk with Stan but they hoped to God this was not one of those situations. Just then, Stan walked in the room. Instead of looking hungover, he looked unusually cheerful. 

“Ah! New kid, you're awake! I'm so glad!” Stan said in a rather hyper tone. “Sorry about last night. I puked on your clothes so I had to change it. Ah, but don't worry, I didn't look! I'm not a pervert or anything!” He said in an embarrassed, cute manner. 

“I must've caused you a lot of trouble, huh? I'm sorry, I know you're always taking care of me and stuff. But you know, I'm glad I got to be your first!” Stan smiled cutely but then he blushed a bit as he realized the implications of his words. “Ah, not like that! I meant like having some fun kind of way… wait, I– I mean like doing more riskier stuff!” he looked more and more embarrassed as his choice of words weren't sounding better.

What the hell is Stan on about? He sounds like an anime character saying some misunderstanding things that someone could easily hear and interpret it the wrong way. In fact, his whole mannerisms look a bit more… stereotypically girly. His cheerful attitude, the way he blushed and joined his two index fingers whenever he got embarrassed. That awkward gesture is straight up an anime girl move. 

Perhaps Stan is just acting like the character Eric assigned him as, but why would he act this way when Eric’s not even here to bother him about it? More importantly, his acting is ridiculously great, almost as if it's his real personality now. Maybe he hit his head or something when he got drunk. Either way, the new kid has no time to deal with Stan right now. They were in Stan's house the whole night without even informing their parents, this will dig them up in deep trouble.

The new kid looks at their phone and notices the missed calls. They'll have to go home now or they'll be even more grounded. They gesture to Stan that they're about to leave when Stan suddenly calls out to them. “Wait! What about your clothes?” The new kid just shakes their head and leaves. 

Now, obviously the new kid got grounded which is not how they wanted to spend the weekends but their mind starts to linger on the way Stan had acted. He was acting VERY unusual but the new kid decided not to dwell on that for too long. With nothing else to do, they decided to write a poem about Stan for next time. It'll make Eric both happy and angry. Happy because it's not about his mom, but angry because it's not about him. 

The weekends flew by fast cause they always do. The new kid decided to head to the bus stop early today. In fact, there was another early bird who was there before them, it was Kyle. The new kid waved at him but Kyle gave them back an almost annoyed wave. Perhaps he's in a bad mood today.

The new kid stands next to Kyle, obviously not saying anything. After an awkward silence, Kyle suddenly spoke up. “Look, new kid… I, uh, have something for you.” he hands them a lunch box. The new kid opens it to find cupcakes decorated with cat faces. The new kid looks very happy and even smiles at Kyle.

Kyle blushed and suddenly looked away. “Don't think it's because I like you or anything! I was just… fulfilling a promise!” he was acting like a tsundere, it seems like Kyle is getting really into the role even without Eric around, just like Stan. It was strange but the new kid didn't care and started to immediately indulge in the cupcakes.

“God, you're such a pig! You don't have to eat so messily!” Kyle said roughly, although he still looked like he was blushing. The new kid didn't mind his words too much and just finished up the cupcakes in one go. “Jeez… that was fast,” he muttered.

Kyle noticed a bit of frosting on the new kid’s face. “Hey, you've got something on your face.” and just like in a romance scene, he wipes the frosting off their face. He then blushes at his own actions. “I didn't help you out cause I like you, okay?! I just can't stand you looking like an idiot with that frosting on your face!” Wow, pretty harsh, Kyle.

The new kid is impressed by Kyle's acting too, he's really taken his role seriously. The way he blushed on command is some serious talent, it really makes it look like he does have a crush on the new kid or something. Just then, this romantic moment was interrupted by Kenny’s voice. “Good morning.”

Ah, yes, Kenny said “Good morning” wait, he's not muffled? The new kid turns to look at Kenny who doesn't seem to have the hood of his parka up. It was a very rare sight so the new kid can't help but stare a little too much. Kenny blushed and looked away. “Um… i–is there something on my face?” 

The new kid shakes their head and looks away, but they still can't help but steal a few glances at Kenny. It is pretty weird to see his face and act all shy, but that's just a part of the character he's playing. Kenny then shyly glances at the new kid. “I, um… have this book with me which I thought you might like. Do you wanna read it together later? All alone?” He smiled shyly.

Is Kenny trying to initiate a date or something? Well, that is the part of this game so the new kid might as well agree. They nod, causing Kenny to blush more. Next to the other side of the new kid, Kyle scoffed, looking almost annoyed. It seems like everyone is really getting into these roles, they're even good at acting jealous. 

Just then, the lovely president, Eric, is here. “Good morning, everyone.” He smiled, walking in an elegant manner that was way too elegant for this fatass. Something about him also seems different today, he seems almost charming in a way. The way he walked, the way he smiled, the way he looked seemed… perfect in a weird way. The new kid shakes their head, perhaps consuming too much alcohol made Eric look strangely alluring today.

“Does anyone know when Stan will arrive? I want to discuss something with the whole club members.” Eric asked. The others just shake their heads. The new kid wonders how Stan is doing, the last time they saw him was when they were in his bedroom. Perhaps, they should go check up on him.

But just then, Stan arrived at the bus stop, he was holding a bag. He greeted everyone cheerfully and walked over to the new kid. He hands them the bag which seems to contain their clothes inside. “Sorry about the trouble that night, new kid. Here are your clothes! I made sure it was properly cleaned! Oh, and as for my shirt, you can keep it!” 

The others looked at Stan with their jaw wide open, does Stan know how badly this can be interpreted? “Oh my…” Eric said with an awkward smile. Kenny was blushing hard and he just looked away. Kyle seems to be blushing as well. But he seems a bit angry. “W–Wait, what do you mean by that?!”

Kyle pointed accusingly at the new kid. “D–Did you do something, you pervert?!” The new kid immediately shakes their head. Great, now Stan has caused some sort of a misunderstanding and of course the new kid is being accused of being a pervert because well, they are the protagonist. 

“I–It's not like that! Nothing happened! I mean… the new kid is just my childhood friend, hehe!” Stan blushed and giggled nervously. “But I wouldn't mind— I mean! Yeah, nothing happened!” 

The way Stan was talking was definitely like someone with a crush, the new kid is honestly starting to wonder how all of their acting got so good. They all seem to be playing their characters perfectly today. Stan's the cheerful childhood friend, but he'd typically get embarrassed by acting like this. Kyle's the cute tsundere, but he'd remain nice most of the time. Kenny was the shy bookworm, but well… the new kid actually didn't know if Kenny was acting shy or not when his words were muffled. And as for Eric, even he seemed sorta like perfect in an odd way. He hasn't broken character to make a snarky comment once.  

The new kid decided not to pay too much attention to this until they realized that the boys are still acting like this in front of everyone! They agreed not to do this in public so what the hell is going on? None of them ever fully committed to these roles, so why now? They're all locked in all of a sudden. Did they make some new sort of deal behind the new kid's back or have they all hit their heads?