Chapter Text
"What did you say to them?" Banks glares at me, his eyes are darker than I've ever seen them.
"Can you be more specific, I talk to a lot of 'thems' as you know," I retort, knowing perfectly well who he is talking about. He must know that too. But, I wouldn't be me if I didn't act unserious. Even when facing a severe, potentially life-ending punishment.
In the past, I've always seen his anger directed at others, he's been frustrated with me. But never angry. I can see why people squirm underneath his glare, it's not pleasant.
"You told Marlene about the immune people we found."
"No, silly, I told Ben."
He takes a swing at me, but I dodge it quite easily, "would you consider this to be 'irreconcilable differences' in our relationship?" I ask him innocently.
"I reckon so," he replies, rubbing his thick beard. In a weird way, he looked almost hurt by my betrayal. I almost believe it. Affection is such an old-world emotion.
"Right," I prepare myself for a fight as I get ready to make a run for the door. I will only have a very small opportunity for escape, "you can take everything else in the divorce settlement," I joke, "I only want-"
My sentence is cut off when the door slams open and around 10 soldiers stomp into the room, "Come on," I groan, "can't take me on yourself? Fine, I'll kick all your asses, line up. Who's first?"
I square up to them like I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of this. But, we all know there is nothing I can do, I'm out numbered and out armed. I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try, though.
I flex my fingers and bend my knees, getting ready to launch myself at the soldier closest to my right, wanting to go down fighting. If I attack them like this, as a reaction, they may just kill me. Saving me from whatever Banks has planned. I hear a loud bang and a piercing pain in my lower abdomen. One of the fuckers shot me.... Guess that was inevitable, can't do anything themselves, need other people or their guns to do the work for them.
What are they? Scared of a little girl? I can be pretty terrifying, though, "Alright," I grunt through clenched teeth, "guess we'll call it a draw then."
"It really is a shame," Banks approaches me, gun still pointed at me, so it was him who shot me, "you have been an invaluable asset to me over the years. If only you had kept your mouth shut."
He reaches to grab my chin, but I jerk away from him automatically, not caring about the loaded gun still pointing at me, "Take her to the holding cells," he commands the other soldiers, "keep her alive, I want to make sure she lives to regret her decision."
"Ummm, hi, have you forgotten the bullet in my abdomen?"
"You'll live," he smiles darkly at me, "you think you're impenetrable. But let's see if you keep that attitude up when you find what I have in store for you."
"I love a cock fight, bet mine's bigger."
"We'll see," his smirk is the last thing I see before someone else hits me in the back of the head with the butt of their gun.
.....
Suddenly, I'm awake. Shaking, blood all over my body... At least it's not all mine, it can't be, I'd be dead. I try to steady my shaky hands as I go through the keys on the ring I stole from one of the soldiers.
I look at my hands, I've definitely broken some bones in my hands. I look again at the soldiers I was in the room with, a barely recognizable body that barely resembled a person.
I almost trip over the other body in the room, the person who was guarding the door. I take back the knife I stabbed into their head and grabbed the gun they were still clutching.
I don't feel the pain anymore, my body is on autopilot, I have to get Jane. I stumbled clumsily down the hallway, still in a daze from what I had done. There wasn't a choice, just.... I wasn't expecting that kind of violence from myself.
I creep steadily down the halls, trying to get to the holding cells quietly, taking soldiers out as I go. When I get back, there is a soldier in the holding cells with her. He was over her, she was trying to fight back, the soldier was much larger than her, holding her down, trying to choke the life out of her.
An animalistic scream escapes me as I ready my knife and jump on him, wanting the satisfaction of stabbing him rather than shooting him. I stab him anywhere and everywhere, starting with his eyes. I don't stop until his body is limp and he falls to the floor.
"You're okay!" Jane cries as she throws her arms around me, voice quiet and raspy from being choked.
"It was you, wasn't it?" I return her hug.
"I-I couldn't do nothing... I couldn't sit here and let them do that to you..."
She was the one who provided me with the distraction. That brief moment of pause that the soldier had when he was over me gave me the time I needed to act. She must have attacked one of the other soldiers to cause a commotion.
"Jane..." I sigh as I look at the marks around her neck.
"You should see yourself, we have matching neck bruises. Don't worry, they didn't..." Jane looks at me with wide eyes, finally studying all the blood on me, unable to tell whether the blood was mine or someone else's.
"No," I shake my head, "it was close though, thank you... They could have killed you."
I'm one to talk, I'm still actively bleeding from my gunshot wound. I really shouldn't be alive right now; adrenaline is keeping me going at this point. Once it runs out, I'll probably collapse.
"I don't care, I wasn't going to let them do that to you." Jane sniffles as I see tears run down her face.
"They almost did this time," I shake my head, "we have to go. Now."
I grab onto Jane and pull her toward the door, stepping over one of the soldiers' bodies, "We have to get to Tess," I say to her as we break into a run, making sure my gun is ready, "she'll help us get out of here."
.....
My eyes flutter open when I hear a soft knock on the bedroom door. Who the hell is knocking on my door? I don't live with anyone. Then I realize I am not in my bed. It smells like Joel...
I feel my face go red, and then I can feel the pounding headache making my vision blurry. I put the pillow over my head, my chosen defence against the blinding light of the morning sun. And maybe I'll suffocate under here and not have to deal with the headache.
I hear the door to the room open and heavy footsteps approaching the bed that could only belong to Joel, "You alright?" Joel's deep, gruff voice asks me. My face burns even more crimson, girl, calm down. Why are you so worked up?
"I'm passing away..." I mutter into the mattress.
I hear him chuckle and set something down on the bedside table, "Made coffee."
"You beautiful man," I gasp and throw the pillow off my head, braving the bright sunlight to take the gently steaming mug next to me.
I blow on it before taking a sip. I looked like coffee... It smells like coffee... But had no other properties of coffee. I swallow it and then glare up at him.
"Lies! How dare you tease me by saying you're giving me coffee and hand me coffee's stunt double! Take this back and put coffee in it!" Must be that instant shit.
"You're sure raising your voice a lot for someone who drank as much as you did last night," Joel grunts, "it's the closest to coffee I can get, unfortunately."
"... Why do you punish yourself, Miller? Whatever you did in the past can't be that bad. Don't you want more for yourself?"
"I'd like to see you do better. Know how hard it is to get decent coffee these days?"
"I'll tell you what, this headache is clearly an aneurysm that burst. I'll leave you my coffee in my will for you." I pulled the blankets over my head and curled up underneath. The warmth mixed with Joel's familiar scent is very soothing...
"Come on," Joel yanks the blankets off, making me hiss as I feel the sun on me again and shut my eyes tighter, "up you get, Tommy probably has a patrol for us today."
"We're not supposed to be here!" I groan in protest.
"Exactly, someone else is going to be sent on the Boise mission, someone probably already in rotation. So, someone will be switching spots with us."
"Too bad, I'm calling in dead."
Joel grabs the pillow next to me and hits me in the side with it, "Get up, showers yours. I can smell whiskey comin' out your pores."
I groan and slither off the bed as if I had no bones to prop me up, like a snake and lay on the floor. I can feel Joel's eyes on me, amused, despite himself, that I refuse to stand up. I know if I stand I'm going to get dizzy and fall, I feel like the room is spinning enough with me lying here.
"Are you goin' to get there sometime today?" I can hear him tapping his foot impatiently.
"Guess I'll be cleaning the floor along the way," I reply, dragging my body along the floor toward the bathroom, "you're welcome."
I hear Joel sigh heavily again as he grabs my ankles and drags me the rest of the way to the bathroom. All I can do is laugh at his impatience, enjoying the trip as the coolness of the floor feels nice on my sore body.
"God your feet are cold." Joel complained.
"Yeah, when people call me cold it is in more ways than one. I'm always cold and smooth to the touch, cuddling with me is like cuddling with a dead Komodo dragon."
He drags me into the washroom and turns on the water, "There," he grunts, "hurry up."
"Aren't you going to help me in the shower too, Miller?" I smile innocently up at him, "I don't think I can stand in the shower by myself, why don't you be a dear and help me?"
"No, I won't be a dear," Joel murmurs as he refuses to look at me as I start pulling his shirt off my body, closing the door behind him quickly. I smile to myself, satisfied that I've made him uncomfortable and start stripping my clothes off so I can hop in the shower. Hopefully, this will help.
____________________________________
I pause after I close the bathroom door behind me, trying to get my breathing back under control, willing myself to calm down. My heart is still pounding in my chest. I take a deep breath and return to my room to grab the mug.
I look down at my bed, the indent where she lay all night is still prominent. I am not looking forward to my sheets smelling like her. I already have an impossible time getting her out of my mind. Now, it's going to be even worse. Especially with how bold I got with her last night.
I may not have been drunk last night, but the drinking I did do definitely made me more impulsive than I would have liked. If anything, I've made things worse for myself. Knowing that she seemed to be... Willing... Intrigued...
Wonder if I'll ever have a decent night's sleep after last night. I woke up multiple times during the night, still fucking hard from our conversation in my room and the dreams of her when I did eventually fall asleep. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?
She didn't even flinch when I touched her... I can't do this. I can't be feeling this way, I'm way too old for this kind of shit.
I decide to go for a walk to get some fresh air, can't be here knowing she is naked right now in my shower. I need to get out of here so I can stop fighting the urge to go back there.
I head downstairs and out the front door. It's a nice morning, quiet on the street too. I decide to walk toward Main Street in Jackson, making sure it will give her plenty of time to shower and get dressed before I get back.
"Joel!"
I turn to see Tommy running up to me, "Hey," I greet him as he catches up, "headin' to the mess hall?"
"Nah, I was actually about to head to your house. If you're feelin' up for it, I can send you on a quick patrol. Peter decided to go on the Boise mission, and Eugene volunteered to go with him. So, I need someone to cover Eugene's patrol. It's not a very long one, so you should be fine with your injury."
"I don't mind," I answer, looking forward to getting out again.
"You alright goin' with Cedric?"
My body tenses up, "thought you were going to send me with Boston."
"I think she is in need of a time-out," Tommy replied quietly.
"She's not a little kid, Tommy," I scuff, "she'll be fine in a small patrol."
"Joel, Tommy, good morning." Someone else greets us.
I turn to look, and I'm surprised to see Ethan there, Jane's boyfriend, "Dr. Taylor." I nod a polite greeting to him.
He smiles at both of us, shaking his head to get his curly blonde hair out of his eyes, "How are you feeling, Joel?"
"Just fine."
"And how is your friend? Is she well? I saw her leaving the bar with you last night."
I see Tommy look at me suspiciously out of the corner of my eye, "she's fine." I reply curtly.
"You 2 seem to have gotten closer. You'll have to let me in on your secret, she doesn't go out with anyone other than Jane."
"That a fact?" I narrow my eyes at him. What's he getting at? "Don't know why it concerns you."
I'm starting to get defensive, but I fail to see how what she does is any of his business. The way he is looking at me is strange. So, I'm spending time with her, so what? He sounds like a jealous boyfriend.
His smile falters a little, "Jane worries about her. Do make sure she stays out of trouble."
He nods at each of us and walks around us toward the mess hall, "What was that about?" I mumble to Tommy.
Tommy crosses his arms and stares at me, "You took her to the Tipsy Bison."
"Yeah," I shrug, "she was upset, I was just trying to cheer her up."
"You left with her."
"What are you accusing me of, Tommy?"
"Nothin'," Tommy shakes his head, "well, since you're going to be in town and not on your way to Boise, you can come to the party next week."
"I don't think-"
"You know Ellie wants to go, and it would be great for you to be there too. It's nothin' to be scared of, Joel. It'll be a good opportunity for you to interact with everyone. Plus, Ester will be there. I really think you guys could hit it off."
"Tommy-"
"Not accepting 'no' as an answer," Tommy puts a hand up to silence me, "you'll be there, Ellie will have fun, and you will attempt to have fun. You're a part of the community now, gotta act like it at some point."
"I don't-"
"Alright, good talk!" Tommy pats me on the shoulder before I can get my words out. He leaves me standing there and continues toward the stables. Probably to see off the first few patrols.
I sigh heavily. Why is he pushing Ester on me so much? She's a nice enough woman, sure. But, she's not... Her. One could argue that someone like Ester is probably better for me. I'm just not drawn to Ester; I am drawn to her. I could name a thousand reasons why I should stay away from her. But it doesn't matter. I can always think of one reason that brings me back to her, despite all the reasons why I shouldn't.
It feels like everything has intensified since last night. The way she leaned toward me, the way she looked at me, the sound of her voice and her scent. The fact that she doesn't allow anyone to touch her, but last night she leaned into my hand when I grabbed her chin. Her body responded to me.... If she starts saying my name, I'm going to lose my fucking mind.
It's like a line was crossed last night, and there is no going back now. No hopes of forming a platonic friendship, I don't want her friendship, I want so much more. This all feels somehow inevitable. I can't deny how I'm feeling for her, and to be honest, I don't want these messy feelings for her. This is only going to get messier, especially if she somehow feels the same way. I have enough shit I have to deal with without this piled on top.
But somehow, it also feels comforting in a way. To have someone I feel I don't have to hide things from. I've never felt this way before, never wanted someone as much as I want her... In so many ways.
I decide to start heading back to my house now. That should have been plenty of time for her to shower and probably leave the house. I'll have to let her know what Tommy said about us going on a patrol. As much as going with someone else is probably the better idea, I don't want to go with anyone else. I want to go with her... I'm fucked.
___________________________________
Joel thought his little walk would do the trick, that you would have been gone by now. But things only got worse when he walked through the door. You were in the kitchen, wearing only one of his shirts again, and he noticed that it barely covered your thighs; it only reached about mid-thigh, to his pleasure/horror.
You had found some music and started playing it on the CD player, so you started dancing around the kitchen as you cooked. He noted it was Take On Me by A-Ha. All he could do was lean against the threshold and watch the show. You had a small, gentle smile on your lips that he was automatically drawn to.
He watches you for a bit longer until you turn and smile wider when you see him. His chest tightens when he sees that elusive genuine smile, "You have a lot of energy for someone who was on the brink of death not long ago." He comments.
"I bounce back after I rehydrate," you shrug as you pour whatever you were mixing into a couple of frying pans.
"Oh, to be young and rebound as quickly as you do," Joel shakes his head in disbelief, "Thought you would be back at your own place by now."
"I mean, if you don't want me to thank you for helping me last night, I guess I'll take my omelettes and be on my way."
"No, stay," Joel didn't want to miss out on your cooking. It did make him feel some type of way to watch you cook in his kitchen with his shirt on.
"Come on, Miller," you continue to dance after you leave the eggs to cook in the frying pans, "don't leave a lady on the dance floor by herself. I thought we established you're a southern gentleman."
Joel thought he would prefer to just watch you. The way your hips swayed, the way you smiled, the way you didn't even seem to think about anything in this moment, just let the music decide your movements.
You saunter closer to him, reaching your hand out to him, smirking. Joel clears his throat and excuses himself to the bathroom to shower. You giggle to yourself, knowing you made him flustered. In a lot of ways, he was like you, not letting most people see how he feels in the moment. The only people he lets in are Tommy and Ellie. Now you as well. It scared him to know that it took so little time for you to sink your nails deep within him and affect him in such a way.
The way he shows emotions isn't how most people do. His expressions are subtle, unnoticed by people who do not know what to look for. But you notice every tiny twitch at the side of his mouth, the way his features tense and relax, the small glint in his eyes. Every little thing you commit to memory, making reading his subtle shifts easier to translate.
Joel was worried, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, as if he were afraid you were going to follow him in. Hand over his chest, willing his heartbeat to slow down, he felt at a loss for what to do. He was unsettled when you referenced the 'southern gentleman' line. That's what you called him when he was walking you back to his house.
If you remembered that, what else did you remember? He felt like he should ask you, but he was afraid to, afraid to find out if you remembered anything from when you were both in his room. He was afraid because he didn't know what he would do. Did you regret anything you said? If you did, you didn't show it. Were you uncomfortable when Joel admitted some of what he felt toward you, the undeniable pull you have on him? If you were uncomfortable, you had an odd way of showing it, in that you seemed to be provoking him on purpose. If anything, you seem more comfortable around him than before.
Your expressions are softer, the gentler way you smile at him. He lets the memories of last night plague his mind again, "Fuck sakes," he groans as his pants feel tight again. He strips his clothes off and gets into the shower, having to relieve himself again, with thoughts of you swimming in his head.
___________________________________
When I'm satisfied with the texture of the omelettes, I put them into the oven to cook a little more. Joel seems a bit on edge this morning. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing to him last night. I only remember bits and pieces. I don't even remember getting here. But, somehow, I feel closer to Joel.
I have not been that drunk in a long time. That's embarrassing. I shake my head and try to push those thoughts aside. I season the vegetables as I wait for the eggs to be done, when I hear a knock on the door.
I hear a quick knock on the door, I raise an eyebrow and look toward the door when I hear Tommy, "Joel! Have you seen-"
He pauses when he sees me in the kitchen, "Hey, Miller!" I wave a spatula at him, "J. Miller is in the shower, you know, wash off all the nasty, depraved, drunk sex we had last night." I wink at him, expecting him to laugh or give me an exasperated sigh.
But his eyes widen as he looks me up and down, noticing that I'm just wearing one of Joel's shirts, seemingly giving validity to my claim, "That ain't funny."
"No, it was pretty hot, actually," I laugh as he steps back and heads toward the stairs, maybe to confront Joel, "relax! Come on, I'm kidding! He let me crash here cause he was worried about me being alone with how drunk I was."
That answer doesn't seem to satisfy him, though. He stomps closer to me, and I automatically back away from him. He stops himself and takes a deep breath, "Make sure you guys report to the stables in an hour, y'all gotta make yourselves useful."
"Who pissed in your pancakes, Miller?" I glare back at him, "Not sure what I did to piss you off so much. Look, I brought your brother back. He's fine. I'm sorry the mission failed for us. But he's fine and I didn't ditch him, what more do you want?"
I seriously don't get why he's so pissed off. He didn't act like this when I was at the hospital with Joel. The fuck is his problem now?
"You don't get it," Tommy mutters as turns to leave before pausing, "This came for you."
He went into his pocket and handed me a letter, "A Couple of Fireflies were passing by, traded some stuff, and they had a letter for you."
I feel my heart start to race, the only person who sends me letters is...
I quickly yank it out of his hands, "Ben!" I gasp with relief, seeing his familiar writing spell out my name on the front of the envelope. After I take the letter from Tommy, he turns back to the door and heads out.
Tommy's weird attitude is pushed to the back of my mind as I tear open the envelope and read the contents inside.
Hey Sis,
Sorry, it's been a while since I've written to you. Things have been more difficult here lately. But, at least I can report that we have kept that group at bay for now. We've been able to recruit some more Fireflies, trying to make our way back into Santa Barbara. This group is something else, though; they've been capturing people to make them slaves. What a world we live in now, huh? Retrogressing more and more as a species every day.
It's not pretty here, but I'm going to stay until things calm down more and Fireflies aren't dying left and right. Don't worry, I'll write as often as I can. Please stay out of trouble, okay? I'm doing this for you. When things are better, we'll go whenever you want. I have someone I want you to meet too. I know you won't really understand, but I like her a lot. I don't want to jinx anything, but maybe next time I write, I'll be able to write her name without feeling like I'm going to somehow lose her if I do. You don't approve of such feelings, but I think you'll like her.
Say hi to Tommy and Eugene for me, I miss those guys sometimes.
All my love,
Ben
I can feel some tension I've been holding onto for a long time start to relax. Like a weight I've been carrying around for a long time has finally been lifted. It feels so good to finally see his handwriting again. I feel like I can breathe, I feel lighter than I have in months. Relieved that Ben is okay.
I re-read the letter at least 3 times, standing there shaking my head in disbelief. I've been waiting for this for so long. I put the letter down on the island and took the eggs out of the oven, satisfied that they were done. I plate them and fold the seasoned vegetables into them.
"That Tommy I heard?" Joel asks me as he walks into the kitchen.
I look up at him, his damp hair was slicked back out of his face. I just stood there staring at him, looking at the scar across his nose, his brow eyes, the salt and pepper in his beard. He certainly was handsome. But I drag my eyes away from him before I get caught staring.
"Yeah, he just wanted to remind us to be at the stable within the hour. And to drop off a letter for me."
"Smells gross," Joel comments as he sits in the kitchen, watching me closely.
"Shut up," I laugh, "we both know you're lying, you can't deny your feelings for my food."
I bring a plate over to him and cut a piece off for him, "Come on," I move the fork around in front of him, "open up for the airplane! Oh, apologies, that was after your childhood. Open the barn door for the horse and buggy!"
Joel narrows his eyes at me and takes the fork from me. He tries to hide his reaction, but I speak Joel Miller pretty fluently. He tried to hide his reaction, but as soon as he pops it into his mouth, he melts and his eyes light up.
"Ellie must still be in bed," I say as I cross the kitchen to head to the back door. "I'll get her. Hey! Ellie! Your new mommy made breakfast for you!"
I hear Joel choke on his breakfast when he actually thought I opened the door and yelled outside at Ellie. He jerks around, looking like he is ready to tackle me, but he relaxes when he sees me smirking by the closed door, "Are you embarrassed, Mr. Miller?"
Joel grabs one of the other plates along with a fork and walks to the back door beside me, "I'll bring it to her."
I tilt my head and look up at him, "What? Don't want her to see me with damp hair, wearing just your shirt?"
He rolls his eyes at me and heads out the back door to give the breakfast to Ellie. I guess it does look pretty suspicious, but I am notoriously frigid; most people should just assume I don't randomly hook up with people.
I look over at Ben's letter that I left on the counter. Wonder what he would say... Say about what? Nothing happened...
I grab my own plate and start eating my breakfast, still reeling from the letter and from Tommy's weird attitude. Whatever it is, I doubt it has anything directly to do with me. He can't still be mad about what happened on the failed mission; he probably already found a couple of other people to go in our place. And we are still trying to make ourselves useful despite our injuries.
The back door opens, and Joel walks back into the kitchen, "she's still sleepin', I left it on her desk."
"What a good dad. She probably stayed up late waiting for you."
He sits back down in his seat and continues eating, "Is Tommy still angry with me for almost getting you killed?"
Joel pauses to raise an eyebrow at me, "Not to my knowledge, why?"
"When he came here and saw me, he seemed pretty upset."
"Think he's just worried about you, is all."
"Why? I'm still being a doctor and helping out. What more could he want?"
"Why is it so hard for you to believe people here have other reasons why they want you here? You think people here just want to use you, and I can understand why you would think that. But, maybe, just maybe, call me crazy, they care about you and want you to stay alive. Ever thought of that?"
"Maybe, just maybe, I'm a little too toxic for this place and the people of the uncanny valley, ever thought of that?" I counter.
"If anythin', I think Tommy's more scared about what may happen to you if I'm around."
He's mentioned himself being dangerous before, but hell, everyone who had to live outside these walls had to do sketchy shit. That's just how you survive. I don't really feel like anyone here actually holds that against him. Tommy doesn't, and he was the one who saw it firsthand. I suppose one could argue it's his brother, of course, he looks past it. But it's not that big of a deal.
I look at the letter again out of the corner of my eye. Ben knows about the things I've done, and he accepts me. He's done way less heinous shit, and I don't hold that against him or call him a pussy.
Joel looks to where my eyes have fallen and notices the letter for the first time, "Who's that from?"
"It's my letter to Santa."
"Coal for you again, huh?"
"I think I should be rewarded for hurting more people with my words instead of with my fists."
"You make a compelling argument."
"I know," I smile proudly.
Joel reaches for the letter as if it is addressed to him, "It's just a letter from my brother."
I watch him read it, and he looks somehow relieved, his brows unfurrowed and his jaw relaxed. Wonder why he seemed to be worried for me, "Must make you feel better to hear from him finally."
"Yeah, it does."
"Guess that means you'll be stayin'."
"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."
"Come on, you wouldn't leave Jane."
"She has Taylor," I say it more bitterly than I intended. I mean, it's safer here for her. When the time comes, as long as I can guarantee Jane's safety, I could leave without looking back.
"Speaking of him," Joel's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, "ran into Dr. Taylor too while I was out."
My body tensed up mid-chew, "Why are you trying to piss me off when you have to go on patrol with me?" Whenever Ethan's name is brought up, it makes me lose my fucking appetite. The only person in this town I can't fake nice with.
"Didn't know I was hitting such a raw nerve," Joel replies as he studies me carefully, obviously trying to do what I've done with him, cataloguing all reactions and expressions, "what's your problem with him anyway? Ain't he Jane's guy?"
My fingers clench around my fork as if it were Ethan's neck, "He doesn't have good intentions," I mutter, "I've tried to warn Jane, but she doesn't listen, says I'm wrong about him. I'm not."
"What makes you say that?"
I don't want to get into it, because it has more to do with vibes than with anything he has actually done. But I'm trying to put those feelings aside for Jane's sake. Although it doesn't matter what I do, I still have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that he has a plan.
"People can change, you know," Joel offers as I continue to sit there in silence.
"Sure, and some people can put their past aside and become a father figure to an orphan and start a new life in a small town in Wyoming. But, we can't all change like that, can we? We can't all be the bigger person."
Joel chuckles, undeterred by my dig at him, "Alright, alright, suppose you could start by quitin' shoving me off a cliff when I'm trying to help."
"I always bite the hand that feeds, it's my thing. And who asked for your help? You clearly have more demons you're burying deep down you don't talk about, Mr. The Pot. I'm fine with the way I am, thanks."
My survival instincts are always on. Ethan may come across as someone who is very trustworthy. He's popular among patients, he listens tentatively, and he helps out the community in any way he can. Yet, there is a darkness to him that only I seem to be able to see. So, Jane just thinks I'm overprotective and paranoid. But my instincts kept us alive on the road, not about to doubt them now.
I have no obligation to be cordial with him; I don't want to give him false hope in thinking he has somehow won me over. If he were on fire, I would try to put it out by throwing gasoline on him.
"There's that party going on next week that we will be here for," Joel clears his throat, "You going?"
I pause for a second at the sudden change in topic. Ah, he must be talking about the annual party. They clear the Mess Hall for a dance floor, play music, serve drinks and celebrate the establishment of Jackson as the safe community it is today. I think it's pointless; I've never gone to it myself. But if Joel goes, I suppose it could be interesting.
"Are you going?" I raise an eyebrow at him.
"I may be tempted to go if you do." His eyes burn into mine with a surprising amount of intensity. Making something stir deep within me.
"Awww! Miller! Am I your Jane?!"
"Shoulda known you'd start gettin' annoyin'," he mutters.
"Don't be like that, bestie!" I slap him between the shoulder blades, "Obviously, we'd become close since we just had our first slumber party! Just you wait until we start painting each other's nails and braiding each other's hair. Oh! I'll even incorporate your beard hair into a nice French braid!"
"Don't know why I forget you can't take things seriously."
"Early onset Alzheimer's, I imagine."
"Are you done?" He chuckles as he grabs his plate and brings it to the sink.
"Yeah," I look down at my mostly empty plate and follow Joel's lead to the sink.
"We have to get goin', go to your house and get dressed,"
"Yes, sir." I salute him and leave him with the dishes so I can run to my house.
"Hey, wait!"
I assume Joel tries to call me back because I just decided to walk out, still wearing only his shirt, but who cares? Let people make their assumptions. Besides, there are not a lot of people out on our street at this time anyway. People are going to be at their positions for the day. Most of them anyway.
I'll be kind of sad to wear my own clothes. I do enjoy the looks Joel gives me when I am wearing his shirt.
It doesn't take me long to reach my house, and when I walk through the door, I can sense someone's presence right away. I walk into the living room and see Jane sitting on my couch, arms and legs crossed, looking at me sternly.
"Where have you been?!" She practically leaps off the couch when she sees me at the threshold. Her auburn hair is pulled back in a neat ponytail that swishes from side to side as she approaches me.
"Ummm, apologies, Mom, I wasn't aware there was a lecture waiting for me, a grown ass woman."
"I've been waiting for you all night! I ran to the hospital as soon as I heard about what happened, and you were gone! I decided to give you some space, but then you weren't around for hours! Why didn't you come to me?!"
"Maybe I have other friends that aren't you. Ever thought of that?" I place my hands on my hips, then flinch when I brush my staples.
"No, because you don't," she sighs, "what are you wearing?"
"My new best friend's shirt, jealous?"
Jane seems genuinely surprised, "Yeah, kinda."
"Mr. J. Miller took me drinking. You know how I do, avoid my emotions, drink and drown in my own sorrows. You know, like an adult."
She lifts up my shirt without warning me to take a look at the spot where I winced when I touched earlier, "When are you going to be more careful?" She tuts me as she stares at the bandage.
"When we're building igloos in hell," I brush past her and head upstairs, aware that she is following closely behind me.
"So, you stayed at Joel's then?"
"Yeah, he was worried I may choke on my own vomit if I was left to my own devices."
We make it to my room, and I start going through my drawers to pick out something to wear. Jane has fallen pretty silent now, which confuses me, because the air in the room is heavier, like she is holding back what she truly wants to say.
"I got a letter from Ben."
Her eyes go wide, and she smiles at me, "When?!"
"Mr. T. Miller gave this to me this morning." I hand over the letter I'm still clutching tightly in my hand.
She scans over it carefully, must have read it more than once like I did, "Thank god," she sighs with relief, "I was starting to get really worried."
"Me too."
She lays the letter on my bed and continues to stare at me like she still has something she wants to say, "What?" I'm half hoping she will just say 'nothing' and we can both move on, but I know she has something to say, and I'm afraid to know what it is.
"Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"
"I've received letters from Ben before, it is a relief though, since it has been so long."
"Not talking about that."
"Oh, this? Have you seen all the scars I have? I'm used to getting hurt."
"You know that's not what I mean either! You and Joel! You stayed at his place, you're wearing his shirt, you went out with him! You've never done anything like this before!"
"You're reading way too much into this, Jane," I try to downplay her.
"For someone so smart, you can be a real dumbass."
"Just drop it, Jane, please." The look I give her seems to be enough. I'm not ready to talk about this yet. I know it's different for me, and I'm not quite ready to talk about what it may mean. She knows when I'm at my limit, and I'll talk to her about it when I know myself.
"Alright," she surrenders, "I'll drop it for now if you do me a favour."
"What?" I look at her suspiciously as I try to do my buttons up while glaring at her.
"In a few days, a group of us are going to the Tipsy Bison, have some drinks and hang out for a bit. You're coming."
"Jane-"
"Nope, I'm not hearing any excuses. You are going to hang out with us, including Ethan."
"Jane!" I protest.
"I don't want to hear it! Do it for me, please. You are the 2 most important people in my life. I know you 2 have had your disagreements in the past, but things are different now."
Disagreement? That's putting it in the mildest way possible. I almost fist-fought the son of a bitch.
I look over at Jane again when she calls my name, "Please, for me. There will be other buffers there, it's not like you're a third wheel."
"Fine," I finally answer, "now, I really do have to go on patrol."
"Thank you!" She grabs my shoulders and kisses my forehead, "Be safe out there, please."
"What's that you say, Jane?" I cup my hand behind my ear, "Throw myself off a roof into a pit of clickers? I mean, a little harsh, but all right, if you insist."
Jane giggles and gives my shoulders one more squeeze before she leaves me to continue getting ready. Slowly, my nerves bubble up, thinking about being out with Ethan.
"Just give me a chance," Ethan pouted, disturbing my time in the break room.
"How many times do I have to say 'no' to you until you get it. I'm not interested, and frankly, your inability to comprehend the meaning of 'no' is a bit of a red flag." I reply, barely looking at him, just trying to focus on my lunch.
He's shown interest in me since Jane and I got here. Jane likes him, but that's not the reason why I refuse his advances. There's just something about him I don't trust.
His smile is even more fake than mine. At least I come by it honestly. He acts like this perfect doctor that people should fall over each other to praise him. For me, he reminds me of many FEDRA soldiers. They are one way in front of everyone, but when they are by themselves, or are with someone who won't say, or can't say anything, their true sides come out.
This world is a place where people like him can live more freely, giving into their darker tendencies. Why hide it when you're in FEDRA and you know there are plenty of others that have that same darkness? Maybe that's why he's attracted to me.
Jane doesn't see it; she's had a crush on him ever since we got here. I see right through him. As one faker to another, I can barely stand being in the same room as him. At least if anyone else shows an interest in me, they respect my boundaries and don't try to smother me. But he is completely different; the more I reject him, the more insistent he gets.
It's more about his pride at this point; he can't accept that I want nothing to do with him. He doesn't want to lose to someone else.
"You barely know me, it's not surprising that you don't want to give me a chance," he continues relentlessly.
"Thanks, but I don't need you when a couple of batteries can do everything you may claim you do and more."
That seems to have annoyed him. Good. He stomps around the table to me, "You really-"
"Hey," Peter says from across the room, Ethan must have forgotten he was here, "you heard her, leave her alone."
Peter for the win, I suppose he has taken up the pseudo-brother position with Ben in California. Saves me from beating the shit out of him and being kicked out for manslaughter.
I don't think it has anything to do with me personally. I just think he likes what he can't have; he's like a spoiled brat who grew up in the old world. I'm sure he is used to getting whatever girl he tries to charm. But it's much harder to manipulate a manipulator of my calibre; it's how I grew up, it's all I know.
"Please, have my seat," I stand up from my spot, "it's the closest you're ever going to get to this ass, and I've lost my appetite."
I grab my stuff and leave the room, leaving him fuming behind in the break room. I can hear a soft chuckle from Peter as I pass him.
.......
I try to bottle up my anger and push the memories away as I grab my bag and rush out of the house. The problem is, Jane doesn't see him that way at all. They've been together for a couple of years and, to my knowledge, he has been nothing but kind to her. So, nothing I've said over the years has convinced her otherwise.
But I will always trust my instincts; there is nothing I can do, though. So, if it makes her happy, and he doesn't hurt her, I'll continue to play nice.
_____________________________________________________________
You finally make it to the stable, and Joel notices right away that your attitude seems to have shifted. You were quieter than usual, no snarky remarks or witty comebacks to Tommy as he prepares you guys for the patrol.
Cedric was going with you guys too, to Joel's distain. He was meant to go out with Eugene, but since he is heading towards Boise, and you and Joel were available, Tommy wanted to give it to you guys. He figured it would be good to have Cedric there too, in case either of you gets hurt again. Which works regardless for Cedric, he was going to insist he go out regardless.
"Hey," Tommy attempts to place a hand on your shoulder, but you're still not out of it enough to not see that coming, you swerve away like you always do. You glare at him for the attempt.
"Just be safe, alright?" Tommy sighs, rubbing the back of his head, "I'm gettin' real tired of seeing you bleed."
"Sure," is all you reply as you hop up on Chase and get ready to leave.
"Nice to see you too," Cedric laughs as you continue to ignore everyone around you.
"Moore," you nod at him and then look at Joel, "Miller."
Joel greets you by name instead of 'Boston'. You look over at him and smile apologetically at him, a look Cedric glared at, before facing forward and focusing on the route.
Cedric nudges his horse faster so he can ride next to you, "You alright? You drank quite a lot last night."
"I'm good." You shrug him off.
"Hope you're not planning on ditching Jane at the Tipsy Bison. You have some time to recover before that."
"Huh? You know about that?"
"Jane invited me too."
You thought to yourself, you're going to have a word with her later. Is she planning on inviting everyone that annoys you just to see how far she can push your limits?
Joel observes you 2 silently. Glaring holes in the back of Cedric's head, he can't help but feel a little jealous when he sees you two together. Even if you claim your relationship with him is now platonic. He still feels angry when he sees him trying to make conversation with you. Because Joel knows what he is trying to do.
He doesn't have to worry for too long, as Cedric is forced to give up trying to start a conversation with you. He wonders why you're in such a weird mood all of a sudden. You seemed to be in a remarkably good mood earlier. What had happened?
You guys reach your first checkpoint on the route, an old gas station. You decide to split up and look around the area, then go inside the gas station to sign in.
You all leave in different directions to circle the area. You were still consumed in your thoughts, wondering how you're going to get along with Ethan without ruining your relationship with Jane. But also frustrated with her, frustrated that she seems to be blind to some of the red flags.
Maybe he's different, maybe ever since he started dating her, he's better now. You like to think that being close to Jane made you a less jaded and unapproachable human. Who's to say the same thing can't be said about Ethan?
But, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, there is still a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you just can't shake. Then you remind yourself that Joel seems to be a better person because of Ellie. You know he used to be a hunter; however, he seems to be a different person now after bonding with Ellie and becoming her father figure.
You head back toward the gas station, and you can feel someone else is around. You squint into the gas station and you see some infected inside. You counted at least 5 from where you are standing.
You walk carefully to the side of the building and climb the ladder at the back building onto the roof. You decide to wait there, warn Joel and Cedric, so you can warn them and take them out together from the roof.
Joel is the first one to come back, he sees you on the roof and heads up there automatically, excited when he didn't see Cedric around. As he gets closer, he can hear the familiar clicking sounds of the infected inside the building.
"See somethin'?" He grunts as he joins you.
"Bunch of clickers inside, probably a few runners too. Thinking of shooting once Moore gets back, draw them out and take them out from up here."
"Surprised the roof hasn't collapsed yet," Joel mutters as he walks around the big hole in the roof.
"Yeah," you reply, looking into the gas station below.
"Think there's anythin' worth while still in there?" Joel asks.
"Maybe, last time I was here, when I searched, someone left behind some of those Whether's Original candy things. I can give you some if you like, they are tasty."
"Oh yeah, 'cause I'm old, I love Whether's, hilarious. You need to think of new material; you can do better."
"No, because they are delicious butterscotch candies. Wow, Miller, has anyone ever told you you're a little ageist?"
"That's it," Joel grumbles as he lifts you up, making you squeal, "Go on, take her." He holds you up to the hole as if to sacrifice you to the infected.
You can't help but laugh and struggle against him, "Who's going to cook for you with me being ripped apart by infected?"
"... Oh, right." He immediately sets you back down.
You were surprised how easily he touched you without you reacting in your usual way. You knew it was coming and didn't bother to fight it. If anything, you welcomed it. You're trying not to think about it too much, but you can't deny that it's a big deal. You've never acted like this before.
"What are you guys doing?" Cedric asks you suspiciously as he climbs onto the roof as well, after seeing you and Joel up there.
"Miller was going to sacrifice me to the clickers unless I cook for him exclusively."
Cedric glares at you as Joel starts shooting toward the front of the gas station to draw the infected out. Perfect timing, you thought to yourself.
There ended up being 8 infected in total. You guys took them out swiftly before going back down into the store. You wondered why 8 infected were gathered here, but you didn't have to wonder that for long.
It looked like some looters were hiding out in here; clearly, they attracted some infected with them. They must have been in a huge hurry if they didn't see the ladder leading up to the roof, or maybe they arrived from the front and didn't bother to go around back to see the ladder.
There were 3 bodies that were torn open, lying on the floor. The bodies didn't look that old, looked like they had been there for a few days.
Cedric signs in the book and describes how many infected were taken out, as well as the looters' bodies. After he's finished, you guys head for the horses and set off again.
You are all silent until you are closing in on your next checkpoint. There seems to be some weird tension in the air, mainly between Joel in Cedric. You guessed it was because Cedric was clearly jealous of Joel.
The next checkpoint is an old farmer's market, long abandoned stalls that used to sell fresh produce from farmers around the county.
You guys agree to split up again and search the area around the market. You break away from Joel and Cedric. Joel heads off in another direction, and instead of going off in his own direction, Cedric stays close to Joel.
Joel doesn't notice at first, trying to keep his mind occupied on the mission, "Somethin' you need?"
"Just had a question."
"Alright."
"You and she have been getting closer lately. First, you insist on going out on patrols with her, you volunteer to go to Boise with her, and then you take her out to the bar. Then you even left the bar with her last night, and now here you are, with her again." Cedric stares at Joel, waiting for him to respond.
"None of that was a question, those were observations," Joel responds.
"Why have you guys been hanging out so much?" He glares at Joel.
"Why do you care?" Joel retorts, even though he knows the answer.
"Bet you think you're pretty close with her now." The scene of Joel picking you up and you not minding has been burned into Cedric's mind. He's been trying to get closer to you for years, you still shy away from his touch. Even though you guys slept together once, it did nothing for your relationship like he hoped it would.
"Not really." Joel shrugs.
"Just so you know, I have history with her." But that history has done nothing for the relationship he had hoped you guys would build.
"Not sure why you feel the need to tell me that. If we're being honest though, you could say I got history with her too." Though the history was much different, it still exists, even if you don't remember it. He doesn't know why he is letting Cedric get to him. Maybe it's because he's known you for longer, but Joel is clearly closer to you. It's evident by the way you interact with him. Anyone who knows you can see that.
Tommy can see it in Joel too, how different Joel is when he is around you. How he's never seen him this way in a very long time.
Cedric's anger is starting to rise, "I wouldn't read too much into her spending time with you, she's good at making you feel important. It's how she has kept herself alive for as long as she has. She just feels sympathy for you and Ellie, that's why she's acting like that."
"Apparently, you don't know her as well as you say," Joel can't help but chuckle, "does she really seem like the kind of person who would do that? You say you know her, but she wouldn't waste her time doing somethin' that doesn't benefit her."
"I was trying to put it nicely," Cedric was getting flustered now, "Getting close to people she feels like she can use is a hallmark of her personality. You're just someone new she's trying to figure out how she can use."
God, Joel hoped that was the case. He figured he wouldn't mind being used by you in certain ways.
"But, she finds comfort in me," Cedric continues, "I'm one of the constants in her life since Boston. I wouldn't want you to read too much into her actions."
Joel kind of finds it amusing how much he is trying to make himself seem like a threat to Joel, "That a fact? I haven't seen much of that, to be honest."
If anything, this conversation just confirms what he has been feeling and proves that he is not making up things in his head when it comes to interpreting your actions.
Cedric steps in front of Joel, stopping him, "Listen, Joel, you can think what you want. But also know that if I want, I can have her back against my bed whenever I want, legs in the air with her screaming my name. So, if I were you, I wouldn't get too comfortable."
Joel's hands clench into fists, he has to really restrain himself from hearing Cedric speaking about you like that. There has been tension building between the 2, Cedric's jealousy of how effortlessly Joel seems to get along with you, and how you seem very willing to spend time with him and let him in, lowering your near-impenetrable walls. And Joel is jealous of the intimate history you had with Cedric, no matter how brief, no matter that it was only one time. Cedric is trying whatever he can to deter Joel from spending time with you, but it's not going to work on Joel.
Joel doesn't want to deal with high school bullshit. To Joel, there is no competition. Though the comment about him taking you to bed really pissed him off.
Then they both turn away when they hear an arrow zip past them and embed itself into a nearby stalker that Joel and Cedric hadn't noticed was getting closer to them. Too distracted by their conversation.
They finally turn to see you walking toward them, shouldering your bow, "Can you 2 put the measuring tape away and zip up, we're on patrol here. Aren't I supposed to be the one who fucks around and gets distracted? You know we're screwed when I'm the serious one. Let's go."
You had run into a few stalkers in the market, and one of them noticed Joel and Cedric as they circled back to the market. You didn't hear their conversation, but you could tell there was tension between them. You didn't want to know what it was anyway.
The rest of the short patrol route was mostly quiet. Joel and Cedric did not really want to be around each other, and the tension between the 2 of them was making you uncomfortable, and you just wanted to get the patrol over with.
You were kind of done with the day, still feeling hungover from the night before. Still feeling pissed off at Ethan and Jane a little bit. You just wanted to go home and be by yourself. Joel seemed to sense this, and he made the decision to leave you be, letting you go through whatever you are going through.
Though he very badly wanted to pick your brain and find out what is occupying your mind. But he had to keep telling himself it wasn't his business.
Cedric, on the other hand, kept trying to get you talking, but that just pissed you off more. He was trying very hard to prove to Joel, and himself, you got along with as well, that there was a chance for him. But he was failing miserably.
After you cleared your last checkpoint and returned to Jackson, you were done with Cedric and the weird tension between him and Joel. You prefer to unsaddle and tend to Chase yourself; it was therapeutic in a way.
Cedric says goodbye to you and reminds you about the Tipsy Bison. You merely wave without looking at him. Joel hangs around a bit longer than he usually does, tending to his own horse, making himself available in case you needed someone to rant to. He has been that person for you for a little while now.
You didn't even realize that he stayed back at first, so when you were leading Chase out to the paddock, you were surprised to see him there. "How long have you been there?" You squint at him.
"You're the one with the amazing senses, you didn't notice I was still here."
"... No."
"Not as good as I thought you were." He teases you.
"Shut up."
"You good?" He asks you, looking at you seriously, knowing your frustration goes way beyond Cedric.
"Yes, don't worry," you manage to offer him a small, reassuring smile.
Joel nods when he is satisfied that you're okay, and you go your separate ways. Joel goes back home to explain things to Ellie, he hasn't had a chance to talk to her since he went straight to the bar with you after the hospital and she was asleep by the time you guys arrived at the house last night.
You left to go see what needs to be done at the hospital, since Peter left on the Boise trip. You drag your feet there, wishing you could go back with Joel too.
______________________________________________________________
It has been a few more days since I've seen her. She's been stuck working at the hospital, taking care of Dr. Wilson's patients while he is gone. I haven't seen her around at all, and Ellie's been asking me about her ever since we got back. Of course she had questions when she saw me. Apparently, she has been waiting up for me, then eventually fell asleep. She was more than a little surprised to wake up to see an omelette on her desk.
She's been asking me when I think she'll start giving her lessons. Who knows with her, her schedule is pretty unpredictable I've been busy on patrols with Tommy, at least he has stopped asking me questions about her though. I don't know what it is with him when it comes to her, but he seems to have gotten over it, thankfully.
I sigh heavily as I walk up my front porch steps, getting ready to just lie down for a while. Definitely starting to feel my age now, gotta stay awake though, promised Ellie a movie night tonight.
I'm confused when I hear Ellie talking to someone else. My heart skips a beat when I recognize the other voice, "It's not all about strength, Ellie, all of my opponents are technically stronger than me. Flexibility is important for mobility, and it really improves your balance."
"You're such a show off!"
"The hell?" I walk in to see on my left, Ellie is attempting to stretch out her legs, while to my right, she is in a full split on the floor, lecturing Ellie about the importance of flexibility.
... It's like she's fucking doing this on purpose because she knows it's going to rile me up.
"Hey, Miller," she smiles up at me like she knows what she is doing is driving me fucking insane, "how low can you go?"
"What are you doing?" I look down at her suspiciously.
"Teaching Ellie how to improve her flexibility and how important it is," she shrugs as she leans forward in her front split, props her elbows on the floor and rests her chin in her hands.... Making my thoughts go wild as usual.
"People aren't supposed to bend like that," Ellie protests, "some of us have bones in our limbs, not noodles."
"Flexibility is essential for fluid motion and it makes straining your muscles less likely. Start by practicing those stretches I taught you, and don't be discouraged. It takes a long time to build up your flexibility. Just don't strain too much, listen to your body, if you start shaking, pull back a bit out of the stretch, there's no rush. Being familiar with your body and how it moves is essential for defence, especially if you can't see."
She folds her legs back up underneath her and stands up. She starts walking away from me, but I can tell she has something planned; it's her, it can't just end there. The way I study and stare at her has helped me figure out when she is planning to attack.
She tries to pull a fancy maneuver by back flipping suddenly closer to me, lands on her left leg and kicks up at me. I catch her leg before it can connect with the side of my head as she high kicks at me.
She giggles, "See Ellie?" She kicks her other leg up hard, making me let go of her right foot. Before I can react, she lets her body fall on the floor and jerks her body so she is in front of me. She raises her left leg and hooks her foot around the back of my knee, lifts her right leg, and places her foot on my hip. I try to shove her leg away, but she just lets me push it and hooks it around behind my left knee and switches her right foot to my hip.
She grabs my collar as I bend down to get her legs off me. She pulls me forward, so I automatically use my hands to stabilize myself so I don't hit my head against the floor. She places her left foot back at my hip, and the right one pushes through the space between my arms and wraps it around my neck. She trapped my right shoulder and neck between her thighs. Not a bad place to be, I'll admit.
"Flexibility matters, and conditioning those legs like I told you." She laughs, "Oh, shit," she releases me from her grip as she looks at the clock, "I have to go."
"Are you sure you have to go?" Ellie whines, "You should stay! We're having movie night!"
"Sorry," she straightens herself up, "But I made a promise to Jane that she could make me uncomfortable by making me hang out with people I don't want to hang out with... Because we're friends or something and that's what friends do."
"Sounds lame."
"Incredibly."
"Ellie," I interrupt them, "have you picked a movie?"
"No! I'll go get one. Thanks again!" Ellie gives her a high five as she leaves the house to go to her shed.
She watches Ellie go and then looks at me again before skipping past me to go into the kitchen, "Do help yourself, Boston."
"Always do!" She laughs as she grabs a glass of water. She turns around and studies me as she drinks, "You are looking stiff too, Mr. Miller. Muscles so tense, I give a good massage too, you know."
"Oh my god," I groan, I don't know how much longer I can take this, " you enjoy toyin' with old men?"
"Mhmm," she smiles proudly, "do you enjoy watching young women quietly drinking their water?" She maintains eye contact with me as she drinks.
"Just one," I smirk at her as I steal her glass of water and finish it off, getting her back from our night out when she stole my whiskey.
"Enjoy the view," she returns my smirk and starts walking toward the front door.
"You could stay, you know," I couldn't stop myself from saying it, I just don't want her to go. Not seeing her drives me insane.
"I would love to," she said, surprisingly genuinely, "but, you know, adults have to do things they don't want to do, for people they do like. I made a promise."
"You're welcome to stop by afterward if you promise to make breakfast in the mornin'."
She turns to look at me fully before she disappears out the door, "Who knows, maybe I'll stumble through your door by mistake. Bye, Miller." She winks at me as she leaves.
I leaned against the wall, watching her go, more specifically, the gentle sway of her ass as she moved. What am I doing? Things are getting more heated... on both ends it seems. Can't tell if she just likes to wind me up for the fun of it, or if she feels it too. Both options are valid, or maybe she just likes to manipulate people. A tough habit to break after living for FEDRA for years.
"What are you looking at?" Ellie asks as she comes up behind me.
"Nothin'," I respond to her, ruffling her hair as she looks up at me suspiciously.
She looks from me to the door where she had disappeared from view, "You like her."
"Okay," I sigh, walking to the living room, "picked a movie?"
To my relief, Ellie didn't push me any more on the subject, just left her statement hanging in the air. I am not ready to have this kind of conversation with anyone right now.
______________________________________________________________
"There you are!" Jane smiles brightly at me as I enter the Tipsy Bison, "I've been telling Ethan about your new lover!"
"'New lover' assumes I've had one before. And you promised you wouldn't tell anyone about Maria." I counter as I sit in one of the vacant seats at the large table. Maintaining a comfortable distance from Ethan's fake smile.
"Joel, idiot."
"Ah," I pull my chair in as a round of drinks is being passed around, "apologies, I thought you would respect my privacy." I shoot a glare at Jane, knowing I'm going to have to deal with Cedric and Spencer, who are also here, staring at me hungrily.
"For someone who can dish it, you sure have a hard time taking it sometimes," Jane scolds me, completely unfazed by my glares.
"For someone who can't fight, you sure pick the wrong person to provoke," I reply. I'm already annoyed at her for making me come here with everyone, but now she wants to bring Joel up?
"Cheers!" She giggles at my discomfort, immune to my attitude.
I'm not going to even try to fake it, I don't want to be here. She waved over a few others that I didn't know very well. They greeted me too, I nod at them stiffly, not happy with the number of people accumulating at the table.
My mind really isn't in this little get-together. I just quietly sip my beer and only acknowledge the conversation when forced. I would much rather be watching a movie with Joel and Ellie. It would be quiet, apart from the moments where Ellie probably interrupts the movie to talk about the scene and what is happening.
Asking questions about whether things like that would really happen in the old world. Joel wouldn't get annoyed by it though, I'm sure he enjoys any excuse to connect with her. She is a teenager after all, trying to figure herself out in this weird world. They do have a really sweet father-daughter relationship. Joel is trying his best to do right by her. 2 broken people who came together and made each other feel whole again.
Though there is that lingering darkness, the lie that is between them. I may not know the full story, but there is something Joel is lying about. To me and Ellie. And, to be fair, he doesn't owe me the truth for anything. But if he keeps things from Ellie, it's going to blow up in his face eventually. Ellie is a smart girl, I'm sure she can already sense something is off. I mean, I could sense something was off; there is more to their encounter with the Fireflies than what he is saying. But, Ellie feels so grateful to have Joel that she doesn't push the matter... For now, maybe.
Or perhaps I'm misinterpreting. There is something about the situation there that is keeping me at bay a bit. It's like I want to be closer to him, but he's hiding something... Am I just making myself think that because I want an excuse to keep myself away? Not like I haven't done that before.
Am I making up these assumptions? I am treating it like he feels something too, maybe he doesn't, he seems just as frigid as me. No, I see the way he stares at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Lust is one thing, though; it doesn't mean he will act on those feelings; fantasizing and actually doing are very different things. I fantasize about using Ethan as my own personal sharps bin, doesn't mean I'm going to do it... I will think it though.
"You've been quiet," someone suddenly says from next to me. I look to my right and am appalled to see Ethan sitting there.
"'Cause every time I talk to you, I want to throw the fuck up." I reply, looking to see where Jane went. I spot her at the bar picking up more drinks, I don't know if I should have anymore, I'm already feeling lightheaded.
I cringe when Ethan says my name to get my attention again, "Jane and I have been together for a long time now. Don't you think it would make her happy to know we get along?"
"We're not a thrupple, I feel no obligation to interact with you. I'm doing a favour for Jane every time I choose not to punch your smug face in whenever I am around you."
"Don't be like that," he sighs, "we were friends once, when are you going to start opening up to me again."
"During my autopsy."
I wouldn't say we were ever friends. We are co-workers, and I have tolerated him in the past. But I've always seen through him.
He chuckles and greets Jane as she sits back down, handing out drinks again. Ethan shoves mine closer and I take a bit sip of it... More like half of it in one go.
"Wow," Jane looks at me with concern, "wait for the rest of us to catch up."
She sits down next to me again, "What's wrong?"
"Music," I answer, "there is music playing and we're not dancing."
Jane smiles at me gently, though I can see she is still concerned about me, she agrees to play along, "let's go then."
There are a couple of other people dancing in the back of the bar. It's not exactly a dance floor, but it was enough, and it was nice to get some distance between Ethan and I.
"Are you going to tell me what's going on now? What's on your mind?" Jane asks as we dance together.
I avert my eyes from her, "Miller." I grumble.
Her smile widens, "I knew it! What has happened between you 2?!"
"Nothing has happened, things just feel.... Different with him."
Jane knows I don't know how to talk about this, I haven't felt like this toward anyone before. So, I'm having a hard time putting it into an easily digestible sentence.
"Tell me when you're ready," she reassured me and twirled me around.
That only worsens my dizziness. I grab onto her shoulders for support, waiting for my vision to stabilize. "Are you okay?" She asks as she watches me closely.
"Think I had a little too much to drink," I smile, trying to reassure her. But something didn't seem right. I've felt like this before, not for a long time though, and it is distinctly different than being drunk. I don't want to worry Jane in case I'm just being paranoid with all the people around.
"Have I fulfilled my best friend obligations for the night?"
She brushes some hair out of my eyes, "You're sweating."
"Yeah, I just need some air, kind of hot in here. Plus, we were dancing. So, head back to the table, I'm going to head home."
"I'll walk you home," she insists, getting ready to leave with me. She's too good to me sometimes.
"No," I shake my head and walk her back to the table, trying to keep a steady gate, "stay with Ethan, have fun, okay? Don't worry about me."
"If you're sure," she gives me a concerned look as I push her back down into her chair.
"Bye, everyone," I wave to the people at the table, some of whom I didn't even really know personally.
Of course, a few of them offered to walk me home, but all I had to do was glare at them, and they left me alone. But for how long?
I waited outside the bar for a few minutes, clutching the side of the building, waiting for the nausea and dizziness to pass. I also wanted to make sure no one was following me.
When I'm satisfied, I start heading toward my place. But something is still not sitting right, this isn't me, I didn't drink that much... Something is wrong.
______________________________________________________________________
I woke up suddenly when I heard a sound downstairs. Automatically, I grab my gun and head downstairs quietly. It sounded like a window opening downstairs. It wouldn't be Ellie; she has a key to the house.
When I make it down the stairs, I realize the sound is coming from the kitchen. I make my way into the kitchen and am very surprised at what I see.
I tried calling her name, but she seemed too focused on getting through the window to hear me. I lower my gun and lean against the threshold, watching her struggle.
Once she makes it through the window, she gasps as her ass falls into the sink. She can't stop herself from laughing at the predicament she put herself in.
"Get out of my sink," I shake my head at her, "I don't trust that you won't drown with the state you're in."
"Miller!" She beams when she sees me, making me have that familiar feeling in my chest, "my knight in shining cotton!" She holds her arms out to me.
I lift her out of the sink and pour her a glass of water, "What are you doin' here?"
I place the glass of water on the counter when I see her staggering on her feet. She can barely stand up straight; she's worse than she was last time she drank. I sigh and lift her up to sit her on the island countertop, so I can be more eye level with her.
"You want to hear something?" She smirks as she allows me to place her on the counter and accepts the water with a nod.
I squint at her suspiciously, "How much did you have to drink?"
"I couldn't go home tonight," she says after she drinks some water, "I'm pretty sure someone drugged me." She laughs like it's no big deal.
I feel my stomach drop, "What are you talking about? Are you sure?"
"Come on, Miller," she rolls her eyes, "it wasn't until I reached the age of like 20 before I realized the ground wasn't always shaky and my eyes could actually see straight. I have been drugged before."
"That's ain't funny."
"Didn't say it was," she pauses and tries to concentrate.
"I only had like," she looks at her fingers like she's discovered them for the first time, "like 3 beers," she holds up 4 fingers.
I bend one more down for her, "Ah!" She giggles, "Didn't see that one."
Her tolerance is higher than just a few beers, plus she is acting even stranger. Her eyes seem to have a hard time focusing. I grab her face and force her to steady her gaze on me, "Who was there? I want all of their names."
"Like a bunch of people," she scrunches up her face as she tries to remember, "Jane, Moore, Mercer, Taylor... Others... even more others..."
I grind my teeth as I try to stop myself from marching down to the Tipsy Bison, but I'm not leaving her alone. All I can see is red.
"So," she continues, "I didn't want to go home, in case someone followed me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here. It's not your job to take care of me."
"No," I scold her, "always come here, especially if you're feeling unsafe."
"Thanks," she tilts her head and bites her lip as she stares at me.
"Don't do that," I warn her.
"Why," she smirks and reaches her hands up to my face.
"You know why."
"I want to hear you say it." Her fingers run through my hair, making me shiver as her nails gently scratch my scalp.
I lift my hand to her face again and brush her cheek with my thumb, "Why do you let me touch you?"
"Guess." Her eyes burn into mine.
I step away from her automatically; she's not in her right mind... If this continues... I already have a hard enough time controlling myself around her.
"Aw, afraid of me, Mr. Miller?"
"That ain't it, and you know it. It's just that when this does go further, you're going to remember every second of it. You'll be in your right mind enough to lose it for what I plan on doing to you."
She always gets this side out of me. I can't hold it back, like I don't want to be subtle about it, I don't want to leave any questions to my intentions. There's no use denying how I feel. And clearly she feels something too.
"I look forward to it." She slides off the countertop and lands clumsily on her feet.
"C'mon, I'll take you upstairs, okay?"
"I'm good down here," she yawns and heads for the couch.
"Go to my bed, it's more comfortable than the couch."
"Your old bones can't handle the couch," she kicks her shoes off and sits on the couch.
"What did I say?" I grumble as I watch her lie back on the couch, "take the bed."
"I'm good here."
"You're afraid you're going to fall down the stairs if you try to go up them, aren't you?"
"Yep."
"Idiot," I chuckle and pick her up, "my old bones can handle it, I've laid on much worse." I reassure her as I start heading up the stairs with her, "I'll make sure you're safe, don't worry."
"You don't have to give up your bed for me again. You have a big enough bed, you can sleep there too. I promise to keep my hands to myself."
It's not her hands I'm worried about. She feels safe with me, even though every time I see her I have to force myself to not pounce on her. The closer she gets, the more time I spend with her just makes everything more and more difficult to keep my hands to myself.
I drop her the second I reach my bed, as if the longer my hands were on her, the harder it was going to be to let go.
"Can I borrow another one of your shirts?"
"Doesn't seem to matter what I say, you'll take one anyway."
"You're learning!" She claps and stumbles to my dresser.
I need to walk away right now, but I can't take my eyes off her. She takes her shirt off slowly, like she knows I'm watching. Her back is to me, she looks at me over her shoulder, "Can you help me with my bra, Miller?" She winks at me.
I groan and exit the room before I can change my mind. Her musical laugh follows me down the stairs, knowing all too well what she is doing to me. Now, I have to get ready for another sleepless night with periodic trips to the bathroom to deal with the ridiculous amount of hormones that I haven't had to deal with since I was a teenager and since the last time she stayed the night.
I settle myself down on the couch, staring up at the dark ceiling. Who would drug her? Cedric, maybe, he was pretty angry the more she refused his advances. Spencer seems to have a thing for her, too. Could it be him? Someone else entirely? Maybe I should talk to Tommy; maybe he would have a better idea.
When I do find out who it is, I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from going back to my old ways and dealing with them in the worst way possible...
I don't have any proof, only theories. I need to think it through more to figure it out. I'll get to the bottom of this, how dare someone do that to her. No one is taking her from me. No one is going to take advantage of her. She's mine.
I close my eyes and sigh, there's no hope for me, she's got me wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She won't be smirking like that for long, though, when she is nothing but a pile of want and need beneath me. I'll get the last laugh.