Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Please, Ben, wait!" I cried when I realized he was serious this time. He has been talking about the Fireflies for years, but I never actually took his threats seriously. I mean, he was Ben. Even though he was born first, he was always the one who acted younger. If anything, I've protected him all these years. Picking up the pieces our parents left behind, cleaning up their mess, living for both of us until he finally recovered. 

"I have to," he turned around calmly, "I understand your reasons for wanting to stay here. I know you don't think there is anything worth experiencing outside these walls. But whatever is out there has to be better than this. I can't keep watching you wither away like this, I'm going to prove to you there is more." 

I stand a foot away from him; he's so much taller than me now, I still need to get used to seeing him passionate about something again. I wonder what that is like... I'm still used to seeing his ass planted on the couch, lying around waiting to die. 

"You won't last," I say it definitively like a reflex, a statement I’ve repeated to him over and over again every time he brings up his plans, in hopes that the repetition of my words will eventually resonate with him. He would never ask me to come with him, at least he knows I’m safer here than out there. Well, safe-ish. 

“You don’t know that,” he sighs as he relents and closes the gap between us, “there’s always more.” He reaches up to brush my hair out of my face.   

“Marlene is a smooth talker,” I bat his hand away, “but she’s not nearly as smart as she thinks she is. Just a person obsessed with being more important than they actually are.”   

“Aren’t you tired?” He practically stamps in frustration, “If anyone should hate FEDRA and want a change, it should be you! The only way I can help you is to prove to you that there is a better way!”   

I’m just used to it, I haven’t known anything different. Why should I expect any more or less than anyone else when this has been my life ever since I can remember?  

I can feel myself grimace as my eyes avert away from his, “I’m treated better than most.”   

“But I want more for you, for us. Just like you wanted more for me when I was stuck in the past, and you brought me back to life. Somewhere we can be free and live, not just survive day to day. Because I know how good society and the world can be.”  

“Like in the old-world books you desperately cling to?” I snap at him, “That world doesn’t exist anymore! Move on!”   

“But it could-“  

“No! It can’t!” I stamped my foot to put emphasis on my statement, even if I looked childish.  

“FEDRA has you brainwashed!”  

“Said the pot to the kettle! What do you think the Fireflies are doing to you?!”  

He rolls his eyes at me and crosses his arms, opening his mouth to respond, but I interrupt him, afraid of what he might say.  

“At least I know what to expect from FEDRA. They don’t give false hope; they see the world as it is. That’s better than following some delusional group playing superheroes like toddlers playing dress up! Promising everyone they will restore order when all they do is contribute to the chaos.”  

Ben groans as he turns away from me again, trying to exit the conversation literally and mentally, like he always does, but I won’t let him this time.  

I grab onto his arm, “Ben!” I can feel tears start to well up in me, a brief slip in the mask I’ve carefully constructed over the years to protect myself, even in front of Ben… No, especially in front of him.   

Ben stiffens at the unfamiliar sound of emotion in my voice. He turns to look at me, and the tension in his shoulders relaxes slightly. “Are these real tears?”   

He sounded stunned as his thumbs brushed the corners of my eyes, “I haven’t seen you cry since you were a baby. I’ve been starting to think FEDRA had your tear ducts surgically removed.”   

“Ben, please,” I have to let my emotions out, something I’ve always vowed never to do, “I don’t know how to live in a world where you don’t exist anymore.”   

I am the little sister after all, but I feel much older than Ben. Maybe it’s the disconnect I’ve always felt with our parents, and the world he once knew. He knew them as different people than I did since he was 16 and I was only 4 when the world went to shit. I only care about him and Jane, Ben cares about the world and everyone in it. He wants to help make the world a better place. I'm still searching around our apartment for a fuck to give. 

It hurt him a lot more when our mother left and our father sold me to the FEDRA soldiers, just so he could continue getting high until a particularly vivid hallucination sent him jumping out a window 12 stories up from the hard pavement that happily greeted him on his descent down, losing the battle with gravity.   

Ben never got over it, and the loss of the old world. He was very close to our father, pre- and post-outbreak. Probably because my father couldn’t profit from him. I had to pick up the pieces and put Ben back together slowly. I took care of him, and finding that purpose made me want to continue in this miserable world. To continue fighting.  

“You’re scared,” Ben sighs, “I understand. I’ll never be able to pay you back for taking care of me. But I can do this; I’ll find ways to contact you. You have privileges to use the radio.”  

“They won’t let me speak to you if you’re a Firefly.”  

“I will write letters.”   

“Cool, how will you get them to me?”   

“I don’t know yet.”   

“Very much like a Firefly,” I scoffed, “’ we’re going to overthrow the military and restore order!’ Cool, how? ‘We’re going to make a vaccine and save everyone!’ Neat, how? Where are your peer-reviewed journals? Where are your clinical trials? ‘We-“  

“You’re more like dad than you know,” Ben half smirks at me, “always needed to know exactly how things worked, made lists, detailed plans, analyzed data, obsessed over his medical texts, he needed to know everything to help people. Suppose it did make him a good doctor in the old world.”   

Yeah, until the world went to shit and he stopped caring about who lived and died. Since the good people died first, and the bad people live on, like cockroaches. Scum of the earth who will continue and spawn new deadly people who will have even less emotion.  

“I’m still holding out hope it was the postman I share DNA with rather than him,” I mumble, thinking about my father.  

“I understand you’re obsessed with structure and order and keeping things the same. That’s always what you’ve done, it’s the consistency for you and that gives you some comfort, you can’t dive into the unknown, it makes you uncomfortable and afraid to be hurt. But nothing changes if nothing changes.” I can feel Ben’s eyes burning into me, studying me for my reaction. Begging for me to give him something.   

When I continue to refuse to look at him, he calls my name to prompt a response from me, “The world doesn’t want to be saved, Ben. Tell that to the Fireflies; their memo was clearly lost in the mail.”  

He doesn’t acknowledge my words; he only pulls me in for a tight hug. Even though he was my brother, I still can’t help but tense up at physical contact.  I can feel him tremble. He’s terrified, but there is nothing I can say to change his mind…. And I know it.  

“Love you, sis. I’ll be in touch. I promise.”   

Ben gives me one final crooked smile before he turns away from me, before he can change his mind. He left me standing in the living room, cold and alone, and for the first time ever, I broke down.  

 ______________________________________________________________________________________________________

Tommy slowly led Joel and Ellie down the hall of the clinic, pointing out areas of interest. It was attached to the small hospital in Jackson, run by a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses. They were lucky to have 5 doctors, only 2 of them were doctors before the outbreak, trying to teach the younger ones as much as they could.  

The hospital runs surprisingly well with such low numbers of medical personnel. But they have the equipment they need for the most part. They go on patrol when they can to try to scavenge more medical supplies, which leads them further and further away each patrol in all directions, looking for clinics and other hospitals. 

They take a left and travel down a hallway to a small clinic. It’s more of a triage area; it has mostly been used as a non-emergent clinic. A place where everyone’s medical records can be kept. Also, a place to bring newcomers to the community to check them out. Which is why Tommy has brought Joel and Ellie here today.  

They enter the clinic, and Tommy is surprised to see it empty. He hums and walks behind the counter to see who was supposed to be in the clinic today, “Ah,” Tommy chuckled when he read the familiar name, “I see why it’s so empty.”  

Tommy gestures for Joel and Ellie to follow him behind the counter and search for the doctor. There are four rooms down the narrow hallway, and one of them has the door closed. Tommy knocks on the door first, in case she is with a patient already. When he doesn’t hear an answer on the other side, he opens the door slowly to see a woman sitting in a chair, head resting on her folded arms on the desk.  

“Of course,” Tommy sighed before he started saying your name gently, in hopes of not startling you out of your peaceful sleep. He is weary, having heard campfire-like horror stories of your attitude toward being woken up from a deep sleep.   

When calling your name didn’t work, Joel takes the initiative and kicks at the wheels of the chair you’re sitting on. This does the trick, you jolt awake and jump off the chair, rounding on Tommy, seemingly preparing for a fight as you square up, “What?!”  

“I much prefer you like this,” Tommy teases you, “your fake, overly nice persona leaves something to be desired.”  

“Didn’t you read the sign?” You reply irritably, “I’m on break.”   

“I’m sure Wilson was the one who took it down. You know, he refuses to wake you up after the last time? I don’t think he can handle another brain injury. He is the best we have; try not to hurt him, please.”  

“Pussy,” you mutter as you pull your hair back and out of your face.   

Joel didn’t quite know what to make of you, though he found your weird attitude amusing. He thought it was interesting that you’re the only person they’ve met in Jackson so far that hasn’t given him and Ellie a warm, polite welcome. In fact, you still have not even acknowledged their presence.   

“Where is your lab coat?” Tommy inquired as you stand and straighten out your clothes. You wore a casual button-up long-sleeve plaid shirt tucked into fitted jeans.   

“I don’t wear it; it makes me look like a doctor.” You respond matter-of-factly.   

“That’s the point.”   

“Indeed, I’m not understanding what you’re not getting.” She squints at Tommy like he just got the easiest question in the world wrong.   

“Anyway, this is my brother, Joel, and this is Ellie. They joined Jackson last week; I’m just bringing them in so you can start profiles for them.” Tommy tells them your name, Ellie greets you politely, and Joel merely nods in acknowledgement.  

You grabbed what looked like a letter off the top of the desk and shoved it into your pocket, “Alright,” you resigned as you grabbed a clipboard with some charting paper already attached.   

“Aren’t you a little young to be a doctor?” Ellie asks you, sitting down on one of the vacant chairs in the room.   

“Aren’t you a little young to have a father that old?” You deflect, barely looking up from your clipboard as you fidget with your pen.  

You could feel tension immediately enter the room after your reply. It was so abrupt that it made you look up at them for the first time, “Unfreeze, I was kidding.”   

Tommy rubbed the back of his neck, “Are these 2 going to be okay with you? I need to run a few errands for Maria.”  

“The reason why you ask that question is one of the reasons why I shouldn’t be allowed to wear a lab coat. My frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed yet.” You smile sweetly at Tommy.   

“Yeah, yeah, just take it easy on these 2, alright? I don’t want ‘em runnin’ off before they have time to settle in. Save your ‘charm’ for later.”   

“My ‘charm’ makes me special, Mr. Miller.”   

“Yeah, well, stop chasing patients away to avoid clinic duty."

“Hey, I told them I could get a more accurate temperature reading from them if I inserted the probe rectally. It’s not my fault they didn’t like my medical opinion.”  

Tommy chuckles and shakes his head as he closes the door gently behind him and leaves the clinic.   

You take a deep breath and are about to ask them some questions when you notice the way Joel is looking at you. He was studying your face with frightening intensity. It was starting to make you uncomfortable, “Um, excuse me, sir,” you clear your throat, “my breasts are down here.”   

“You look familiar.” He mumbles.   

“It’s so interesting you say that I’ve been told I look like everyone.”   

“You’re from Boston.”  It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.  

Joel knew you looked familiar; how could he forget? The circumstances were strange to say the least. You were in a bad way when he saw you, although he doubted you would remember him. You were barely conscious after all. He knew you had to have been affiliated with FEDRA in some way, which explained how you ended up the way you did when Joel found you.  

“Nope, not me.” You reply coolly, trying to be nonchalant.  

Ellie looks from Joel to you and back again. She can’t confirm or deny Joel’s claim; she does not recognize you.   

“I have a common face.” You shrug as Joel narrows his eyes at you.   

“I wouldn’t say that.”  

“I mean, you’re pretty old, your eyes aren’t what they used to be when you were a paper boy slinging news about World War I. Can I start my assessment and get you out of here so we can drop this conversation?”   

Joel did not feel like pushing. If you choose to keep that information to yourself, it wasn’t up to him to call you out, as it must be a traumatic memory for you. He felt it would be hypocritical of him to force answers out of you when he has some pretty dark secrets he is carrying around as well. He decided to drop it for now and sat back in his chair.  

“Miller, right? Same last name as your brother?” You confirm after clearing your throat.   

You stop fidgeting with your pen and hold it up to the charting paper to write his name at the top of the page after Joel nods, “age?”   

“Over 21,” Joel replies.  

“Adorable, date of birth?”   

“September 26, 1981.”   

You did the math and added his age to the paper. You asked both of them to stand on the scale and measure their heights to add as well, “significant medical history?”  

“Not really.”  

“Allergies?”  

“No.”  

“Any chronic conditions? Past surgeries?”   

“Does it matter?”  

“To an extent,” you frown at the paper, “it’s a very old questionnaire, back when things like hypertension, COPD, diabetes and asthma mattered for treatment. Nowadays, medications to treat such conditions are very hard to find. But, they want me to follow the rules, so I’m going to, to an annoyingly accurate standard that no one abides by anymore and waste time. Mmmkay?”  

You look up from the papers and scan Joel again, “I’m going to go ahead and put depression, PTSD and anxiety down. And, judging by the bags under your eyes, insomnia.”   

“Yeah, what do you offer for that?” Joel raises an amused eyebrow at you.  

“Rousing speeches about how much you should appreciate being here, like it’s some sort of gift to be alive at this point. And alcohol, we have alcohol.” You sigh as you flip to another page, place your clipboard down and grab the vitals machine from next to the desk.   

You move closer to Joel, “Shirt off, Mr. Miller. I need to document any old injuries, and it will be easier to hear your heart and lung sounds.”  

Joel fidgets uncomfortably; he sits frozen to the spot. He’s already thinking about what’s going to happen when you get to Ellie. They covered her bite mark with a bandage, but what if you ask to see it?   

You start tapping your foot impatiently, “You want me to throw on some music, a little Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard? Throw some singles or ration cards? Strip!”   

“Are you sure you’re a doctor?” Ellie laughs as she notes how uncomfortable Joel is getting.   

“I’m what passes for a doctor these days.” You smirk, “Come on, Mr. Miller, I paid good money to see those tig ol’ bitties, whip ‘em out like your daddy never loved you.”  

You were certainly intrigued by him; he is the only new person to the community you have met who didn’t look excited to be here. If anything, he looked more depressed and anxious to be here, like he wanted to disappear into the floor and never resurface. How interesting, you thought, maybe I won’t be bored for much longer. There's clearly more to his story.  

Joel finally complies, and you start taking note of any old injuries. You pushed the vitals machine closer, wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his arm, and put the pulse oximeter on one of his fingers.  

You grab the thermometer, “open your mouth like a good little whore for daddy.”   

“Do people enjoy your company?” Joel takes the temperature probe from you.   

“I’m an acquired taste.”   

“You seem inedible.”   

“Sounds like somebody wants a prostate exam, and unfortunately for you, I’m out of lube. Would you like to bite the pillow, baby?”   

“Prostate?” Ellie scrunched up her face at the unfamiliar word.   

“The elusive male ‘on’ switch.” You smile at her and wink at Joel, relishing his discomfort.  

“Ellie, wait in the hall,” Joel mumbles as he pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance.  

“No way, this is fun!” Ellie is enjoying Joel being uncomfortable a little too much.   

“Yeah! It's Fun!” You chime in.  

You look over at the vitals machine when you hear the alarm go off. The yellow light was blinking, signalling that Joel’s heart rate was faster than it should be.  

You frown at the machine and grab your stethoscope off the desk. You wanted to confirm it was not just an abnormal reading on the machine. You insert the earpieces and hold the stethoscope’s diaphragm against Joel’s chest, timing his heartbeat yourself.  

“Your heartbeat is really fast,” you note, more to yourself than to Joel as you sling your stethoscope over your shoulders, “are you nervous because no one has touched your bare skin in decades? Just the general healthcare-ish environment? Or perhaps nervous about the other questions in the intake forms? Hmmmm?”  

“I can help, Joel,” Ellie giggles as she goes into her bag and pulls out a book. “Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor with a headache? The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out until he had $1999.00. The doctor said ‘No wonder you’re not feeling two grand!"

You blink slowly as your gaze shifts from Joel to Ellie to the book she is holding, No Pun Intended Volume Too.

“Oh god, no.” You mutter under your breath.   

“Here’s another one you’ll like, Joel!” Ellie beams and clears her throat, “Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago!”   

“What does a dad say when he puts the car in reverse?” she continues, “’Ah, this takes me back!’”  

You look back at Joel, almost like you were waiting for him to stop this. But he just sits there quietly, like he’s used to it.   

“Justice is a dish best served cold. Otherwise, it’s just water!”   

You recoiled from that one, as if her words burned you and your body is trying to tell you it’s dangerous and can cause you physical harm if you continue listening.   

“How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!”   

You straighten up and start making your way over to Ellie.   

“Why should you never throw Grandpa’s false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car!”   

Ellie smiles up at you innocently when she notices you standing in front of her.   

“You are a menace, and you belong in federal prison.” You scold her as you quickly swipe the joke book from her hands.   

“Hey!” Ellie protests. 

“I am excising a malignant tumour,” you shrug as you lean against the desk, “now, for your chemo/punishment.”  

You flip to a random page in the book and pick a joke, “Why can’t dinosaurs clap their hands? Because they’re extinct! Get it?! Because dinosaurs have been extinct for about 65 million years, so obviously they are no longer able to clap! Cause they are all dead!” You laugh as you turn the page again.   

“Oh, I gave my handyman a to-do list, but he only did jobs 1, 3 and 5. Turns out he only does odd jobs! Ha! Get it?! Because odd jobs refers to the phrase meaning one does a series of unrelated or unspecialized jobs. But in the case of the joke, it is referring to odd numbers that cannot be evenly divided by 2, such as 1, 3 and 5!”  

“Please, stop!” Ellie groans.   

“I’m so upset – my barber said he can’t cut my hair any longer. He can only cut it shorter! Get it?! Because we originally think that his barber is refusing to take him on as a client any longer, but then, it’s revealed that what he means is that it is impossible for him to cut his hair in order to make it shorter!”   

“Oh my god,” Ellie covers her ears.   

“What do you call a dog that meditates? Aware wolf! Get it?! Cause meditation involves one becoming aware of their body, their feelings and reactions in the moment. And ‘aware-wolf’ sounds like ‘werewolf’, the mythical creature that is described to be a human/dog hybrid in popular folklore and urban legends!”  

She closes the book as she sees Ellie recoil from her words, “Shall I continue? I will ruin every joke in this book if I must.”   

“Please, no!”   

You nod curtly and turn your attention back to Joel, who seems to be rather amused by your stunt. You continue on with your assessments as Ellie sits quietly watching from the other side of the room.   

“Now,” you clear your throat as you pick up your clipboard again, “any recent stresses in your life? Financial? Mental? Familial-“   

Joel yanks the clipboard from your hands and squints at the page, “the hell is with these questions?”  

“I told you, they are old charting papers, before the outbreak, usually we skip those questions, but, as we’ve established, I like wasting people’s time.”   

Joel holds his hand out silently for your pen. “Okay,” you relent, “but if you don’t give that back the second you’re done, I will be on you like a puma.”   

While Joel was going through the papers and filling out what he could, you attached a smaller blood pressure cuff to the machine so you could document Ellie’s vitals as well.  

“Where did you guys come from?” You ask her as you wrap the cuff around her arm.   

“Originally or recently?”   

“Recently is fine, thanks.”  

You can feel Joel’s eyes on your back as you work on Ellie. You note that he seems to be the very protective type when it comes to Ellie. She may not be his biological child, but he sure acts like she is.  

You note that and file it at the back of your mind for later analysis.   

“Um, Salt Lake City,” Ellie answered uncertainly.   

You take your stethoscope and have a listen to her heart and lungs. Her heart seems to be pounding as well. Your thoughts are confirmed when you hear the same alarm and yellow light flash, indicating her heart rate was fast.  

“You do know I’m not here to probe the inner depths of your psyche, right? These are very basic and simple questions, they are not tricks,” you raise your eyebrows at them, “I’m just trying to get accurate data so we can treat you the same as everyone else. This isn’t an interrogation. Calm down.”   

Ellie and Joel share a look; clearly, they are hiding something. You don’t really care what it is, but you thought maybe if you separated them, it would help.  

“Alright,” you clap your hands and detach Ellie from the machine, “Ellie, you wait out in the hallway, daddy and I need to have a chat.”  

“Huh, but I-“  

“You are both so tense, you sit in the hall and read your evil book. Mr. Miller, you stay in here without any distractions.”  

You pass Ellie her joke book back and shoo her into the hallway. She looks back and gives Joel a look before you close the door behind her.  

“So,” you say as you sit back on your chair and wheel it closer to Joel, “what were you guys doing with the Fireflies?”  

You study his reaction, and are unsurprised when he tenses up again immediately. Joel thinks he can hide his thoughts well. His demeanour is always tense, but you can see all the subtle shifts most people can’t see.   

You allow Joel to stir in his thoughts, you just sit there quietly, hands relaxing in your lap, posture open, inviting him to talk. Joel starts fidgeting with the pen he took from you earlier, mouth set in a thin line, mind racing.  

Joel doesn’t know what to say; he can’t exactly tell you what happened in Salt Lake City, but you seem to know about the Fireflies' whereabouts. Were you one of them? Did you know what the Fireflies were doing in Salt Lake?  

Joel hadn’t even told Tommy what went down with the Fireflies, so how was he going to navigate this conversation? He decided his only option is to test the waters a little bit, see what you may share.  

“You know the Fireflies are over there? Know what they're up to?”  

You bite at your bottom lip, trying not to fall into a rant, so you decide to keep it simple, “Arkham Asylum? Yeah, I’ve heard of the hospital.”   

Joel furrows his brows at you, not understanding the reference. You sigh, realizing not everyone had access to a brother who held onto 100s of comic books from his old life.   

“Look, I can understand their motivations, but to me, they are just a bunch of crazy bastards who think they are smarter than they are, and want to use knowledge they don’t have to bring about a future that cannot exist.”  

You realize you’re losing your composure a little, you take a breath and calm yourself down.   

“Not a fan of the Fireflies?” Joel studies you carefully.   

“We’ve acknowledged we have irreconcilable differences. Good thing we signed a prenup, it’s better for the kids this way. I’m not bitter, though, I swear.”   

“Don’t think there is a cure out there somewhere?”  

“It doesn’t matter,” you mutter your reply, waving your hand as if you were trying to wipe away the conversation.  

Joel was satisfied enough to move on; it seemed like you had your own problems with the Fireflies you didn’t want to talk about. And that worked just fine with him.   

“Anyway, have you been able to answer the questions?” You ask as you reach for the clipboard in Joel’s hands, noting that he hadn’t written anything for a while.  

“There’s not much to report,” he says, handing it back.  

“That scar looks fresh,” you note as your eyes travel to his right lower abdomen, “how did you get that?”  

“Fell on some rusty metal,” Joel explains as he looks down at the new scar, “Ellie stitched it up for me. Even injected antibiotics.”   

“Good thing you weren’t allergic, that could have killed you faster.”  

Joel’s tense shoulders seem to relax ever so slightly when he talks about Ellie. You decide to try taking his vitals again now that he seems to have calmed down a bit.   

When you step closer, Joel pays more attention to you now that he’s not constantly looking over at Ellie to make sure she is okay, and hoping she doesn’t say anything she shouldn’t. He notices you smell kind of like lavender.  

You wrap the cuff around his arm again and put the pulse oximeter back on. You didn’t want to say anything to make him nervous and give exaggerated readings again.  

“How long have you been in Jackson?” Joel was surprisingly the one who broke the silence. He can’t explain it, but there is something different about you, something that makes him feel, not exactly comfortable, but at least not uncomfortable.  

“As long as your brother,” You reply, grabbing your stethoscope again to listen to Joel’s lungs, “deep breaths, please.”  

He does as you ask, and you are able to get more accurate data for your files. You jot down his baseline vitals and note his lungs sound clear, and his heart sounds are normal, no murmurs or extra sounds that should not be there.  

“Thank you, Mr. Miller,” you disconnect him from the machine and allow him to put his shirt back on, “I think I have what I need for now.”  

As you moved the vitals machine back, the letter you tucked hurriedly into your pocket snuck out as you moved around. You automatically bend down to reach for it as Joel also leaned down reflexively. His hand brushes yours, and you recoil immediately.  

He figured whatever that reaction was probably didn’t have much to do with him personally. Although coming back from Salt Lake, he is a little more hyper-aware of how people are interacting with him and what his reactions are.  

Your demeanour only slips briefly, with the skill of a person who is used to putting on a mask, you return to your composed self, “Do you have any questions before I file your assessment, Mr. Miller? Anything I may have missed that you feel should be included?”  

“No,” he straightens himself up and looks down at you, “Although, could you call me Joel? Mr. Miller is weird.”  

“I certainly could,” you reply curtly as you approach the door and open it for him.   

He narrows his eyes at you, “Will you?”  

“No.”  

Joel walks past you and looks to the right of the door, seeing Ellie leaning against the wall, joke book in hand.   

“Ellie,” you greet her, “your turn, come in.”  

“Shouldn’t I be with her too?” Joel steps closer to you again, perhaps in an attempt to intimidate you a bit.   

But you remain unbothered as you look up at him coolly, “Ellie can speak for herself. Is there a reason why you need to be in here answering questions for her?”  

Joel knows he can’t say anything that wouldn’t sound suspicious in this scenario, other than waiting outside the room like you want. He feels like Ellie won’t say anything unnecessary; he has trusted her to keep her immunity a secret, and he has no reason to think she will do anything different now.  

“No.”  

“Then, please,” you gesture to where Ellie was leaning just moments ago, “pull up a sliver of wall and brood against it silently. Or, wait in the waiting room, your choice.”  

You step out of the way to allow Ellie in and close the door behind you. “Please, have a seat.” You gesture to the spot Joel had vacated only a moment ago.  

“Full name?” You flip the chart paper to a new section.   

“Ellie Williams, 14 years old, no known allergies, originally from Boston QZ, ma’am!” Ellie recites as if you were a FEDRA superior.  

“At ease, soldier,” you smirk and salute her, “any injuries I need to document?”  

“No, not really,” Ellie shrugged, looking away from you as you hooked her back up to the vitals machine.  

You frown at her, and notice the bandage on one of her forearms, “and that?”  

“Oh, this is nothing to worry about. I’ve already taken care of it.”  

“Regardless, I would like to have a look at it. I still need to document it.”  

Ellie pauses, frozen in her seat. You noted her reaction and decided against turning the machine back on; you know it will only give you another false high reading.  

“Trust me, I’ve looked after it.” Ellie tried to reassure you again.   

“Oh! Perfect! When did you graduate from medical school? I’ll put you in the rotation.”  

“When did you?” She counters.  

“Fair,” you laugh, “seriously though, I need to have a look.”  

Ellie didn’t know what to do; her mind was racing too fast to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why you couldn’t look under it. She only swallows hard and holds out her arm, defeated.  

At the same time, she almost wanted someone else to know. After what she believed happened in Salt Lake. Or rather, what she was told happened. It left her mind in a weird place. Joel won’t really talk about it; all he has to do is give Ellie that look, and she’ll stop. But she can’t deny the pit in her stomach and how heavy it feels.   

She feels like she needs to talk to someone, since the person she needs answers from is not giving her any.   

You unwrap the bandage to reveal a bite on Ellie’s forearm. You raise her arm closer to your face to get a better look. “It’s a bite mark.” You say quietly.  

“Yeah,” Ellie replied quietly. She can’t explain why she trusts you, but she feels like she can.  

“From an infected or non-infected person?”  

“Infected.”  

“You’ve been here for a week, yes?” You confirm with her.   

You mull something over in your head, and Ellie looks nervously up at you, trying to interpret your silence and the subtle changes your face is making.  

“It’s an old bite,” you note as you walk over to the desk and grab fresh bandaging from one of the drawers, “you didn’t clean it very well, those cysts look kind of rough. Human bites are always nasty, infected or uninfected. Though one could argue all mouths are infected one way or another, just some happen to make us turn into mindless fungal folk.”  

Ellie is too stunned to speak; she couldn’t believe how much you didn’t seem to react to the fact that she is immune.  

You start wrapping her arm up again, “Best to continue not to tell people about it,” you warn her, “most people won’t know how to deal with it. And some people can have some pretty… Awful ways to handle something like…. Nevermind.” You break off the sentence uncomfortably, bad memories you have been trying to suppress bubble to the surface, threatening to overwhelm you again.  

“That’s it?” Ellie raises her eyebrows at you as you finish wrapping her arm back up.   

“What? You want me to interrogate you further?”  

“… No.”  

“Okay then. I’m assuming that’s why you and Mr. Miller were so nervous. Now, I’m going to try this again.”  

You reach over and press the on switch for the vitals machine. While it is reading her blood pressure and heart rate, you grab your chart and note the bite mark Ellie has, but in the chart, you just call it a scar from a chemical burn.  

Ellie reads it as you’re writing, “a chemical burn?”  

“It’s an event that could lead to your skin looking like that around the bite. Just don’t let people look at it for too long. Most people will be willing to accept that as the mechanism that caused the wound. Otherwise, they would have to accept that it is the result of an infected bite. Though, I guess you could also say you had a run-in with some cannibals or something.”  

Ellie fidgets uncomfortably, “Do… Do you know other immune people?” Ellie asks you in a soft voice, as if she were afraid Joel could hear her.   

“Not personally.” And you left it at that.   

Ellie wanted, needed, to know more. But she knew this wasn’t the time to inquire; she didn’t want Joel to get suspicious.  

You got through the rest of your exam, and Ellie answered all of your questions. Until finally you reach your last question, “Are you an innie or an outie?”  

“Huh?”  

You go into your desk again and pull out a couple of small boxes of pads, tampons and a Diva cup.  

“… You’re strange,” Ellie mumbles as she takes the boxes from you.  

“A strange girl just called me strange,” you raise an eyebrow at her. “Also, what did you expect, didn’t you see the empty waiting room? My job is more fun when I make people uncomfortable, because it’s kind of the opposite of what you may expect from a healthcare professional. The people here are so friendly and polite, sometimes I just want to piss them off enough to get some sort of negative reaction out of them.”  

“You live in a QZ before you came here or something?” Ellie gives you a half smile.   

Your mouth tightens into a thin line, “I guess I’m just mainly made up of bitterness at this point.” You mumble as you fiddle with the letter in your pocket.   

You hear a knock on the door and open it for Joel, “I got what I need for a base report on both of you. And don’t worry, Mr. Miller, I didn’t see the old bite mark on Ellie’s arm, and I made sure to put ‘immune’ on her chart,” you smile and curtsey sarcastically at them, “Welcome to Jackson, where everyone is a liar and a faker, you'll fit right in."

You don’t wait to hear from them; you turn on your heels and leave the clinic. Surely, it’s time for someone else’s shift. Joel didn’t know what to do; he stood there frozen to the spot, looking at Ellie, waiting for her to explain to him what the hell that was all about.   

Chapter Text

The past month we've spent here has been almost like a weird dream. We've met almost everyone in town and have been trying to get used to the routine. Ellie has found some friends and has been bugging me about going on patrols. I just remind her we are still getting used to life here, and it is best if we just lie low for now.

Still don't quite know what to make of this place. A lot of the people here seem to be way too comfortable. There are plenty of people here who know what it's really like to live outside Jackson's walls. But there are others here who have been here since the outbreak day. There's a weird disconnect between us and everyone else. Tommy says things will get easier, I mean, he has been able to get used to it here. He says it will just take some time, but I'm not so sure I can ever be comfortable here.

I have to try for Ellie's sake. This is a safe place to stay, somewhere she can have a life. Ellie seems to be enjoying it here; at least she has paused her questions for now. Been having nightmares about Salt Lake. Don't regret it for a moment, there isn't anything I won't do for Ellie, and they got in my way. I don't exactly feel good about it, though. I know that isn't all of the Fireflies. I know I'm living on borrowed time; it's only a matter of time before I am found out. It doesn't matter, though; they can do whatever they want with me as long as Ellie is safe.

Ellie has been more distant from me these days, do I need to be worrying about it as much as I am? Is it just regular teenage emotions, or is she feeling distrustful towards me? She can't know the truth, she'll feel responsible even though I was the one who made the decision. I did what I did; I should live with it, not her.

I need to talk to someone about what happened. I need to tell Tommy. We are scheduled for some upcoming patrols together in the next couple of weeks. When we came back to Jackson after Salt Lake, he didn't ask any questions. I'm guessing he is waiting for me to bring it up to him, and I appreciate it.

Tommy pulls me into the Tipsy Bison as he goes on about something him and Maria were discussing. Something about bandits and how it has been a couple weeks since any of them have tried attacking the hydroelectric dam. Hard to pay attention to him when my mind is racing the way it has since we got here.

We go to an empty table and Tommy orders us drinks before he turns to me again, "So, likin' everything so far?"

"Still feels a bit surreal bein' here," I mumble, looking around at the crowd of people, "the way you guys live don't exactly feel quite like reality."

"You'll get used to it," Tommy nudges me as I let out a low grumble.

It's busy in here today. I've only been here a couple of times in the month we've been here. I've heard most of the adults in the town show up here on a regular basis. There are job postings on the board for those who are looking to do extra shifts on top of their assigned jobs for the week.

Everyone has their set positions in the town, whether that be tending to the animals, hunting, gardening, running shops, going out on patrols, maintaining order within the walls, keeping streets clear, working in the hospital, etc.

Most people tend to pick up random shifts, less pick up on patrol duties, unless it's just surveying the area around the walls. Makes sense, I suppose, if you're not feeling up for being on patrol, you would only slow the rest of us down.

Tommy thanks the man who brought us our drinks, I grumble in response as Tommy continues off on his tangent. Things still feel a little bit awkward between Tommy and me, things left unsaid after he left to join the Fireflies. But he's trying to accept me back into his life, and I am grateful for that. I know our past ain't a pretty one.

I hear the quiet tingle of a bell as the door opens again. My eyes drift there automatically, and I almost choke on my drink when I see who walks in.

It's the doctor who assessed me and Ellie a few weeks back. That's another thing I can't quite wrap my mind around. Ellie said she trusts her. She looked at the bite and was not surprised to see that Ellie was immune. I have been meaning to speak with her. I don't like knowing she knows something she shouldn't. I don't know her, she doesn't know me, and I have no reason to trust her. I would have heard something by now if she had opened her mouth about Ellie. It's in her best interest not to say anything, or she will have to deal with me.

I've seen her around, and I've caught myself watching her when she is around. There is something odd about her I can't quite put my finger on. I've wanted to approach her again, but I don't exactly know how, not with what I need to talk to her about.

"Heh, never changes," Tommy chuckles softly, almost fondly as he looks at her, "still sticks out like a sore thumb anywhere she goes."

"Mmmm," I mumble, pretending not to be interested, "how long you known her?"

"Met her when Eugene and me were in Denver," Tommy explains, trying to wave at her, getting her attention. When she looks in our direction, Tommy points at the empty seat at our table.

She waves back at him, smiling sweetly before flipping him off.

"Charmin' as always," Tommy smirks.

"She always like that?" I ask, failing to hide my interest as I watch her sit at an empty table by herself.

The meeting we had with her lingers in my mind. Her weird behaviour, I haven't figured anything out about her. All I know is that she acts like that with everyone. She attracts a lot of people, and it's not hard to see why. And it's not for her medical advice, judging by the empty clinic when we were there a few weeks ago.

"Mhmm," Tommy hums, taking a swig of his drink.

We were far from the only ones to notice her walk in. She seems to have a habit of turning heads when she walks into a room, whether she means to or not. From observing her, it would seem she does not mean to.

She's not sitting by herself for long. A man who was sitting at the bar gets up from his seat, grabs his drink and moves over to her table, leaving his friends behind at the bar. I think his name's Cedric. I've met him a few times, another guy who routinely goes out on patrols.

She smiles at him politely and doesn't protest as he sits. I recognize that smile, a smile that can stun and disarm people, but I can see right through it. It's a smile that never reaches her eyes, one of those smiles that makes me wonder if she's ever smiled genuinely in her life. Only smiles of obligation.

From what I can gather about her presence in Boston, she had to be affiliated with FEDRA in some way. I remember FEDRA having young women who worked for them. Doing many things ranging from sexual favours, spying, smuggling, and who knows what else. I can see why FEDRA would have an interest in her, may explain the state I found her in that one night.

I wonder if it's a memory she is consciously or unconsciously blocking out, or if she is just playing dumb to protect herself. Somebody had left her there beaten bloody, broken and barely breathing. She would have died if I hadn't found her. I wonder who she angered to be treated in such a way. It makes my blood boil just thinking about it.

I don't know why seeing her had an effect on me. I have seen countless people in that condition, worse off even.... Even put some people in that position. Who knows, these days I find it hard to even recognize myself.

I've felt uneasy ever since our meeting with her. Though it doesn't appear she has told anyone, still, something is not sitting right with me. I need to figure out what else she knows.

"Actually had a little crush on her when we were in Denver," Tommy laughs, "she's kind of impossible to deal with. Maybe that's why she draws you in. Her personality can be pretty abrasive; she uses it to try to keep people at arm's length. But, as you can see, doesn't really work."

"She wasn't interested?" I feel myself tense up as I realize I care more about this conversation than I should.

"I'm sure she knew, but she doesn't really care about anything you'll come to find if you spend more time with her. She doesn't really get angry with people, other than a little frustration sometimes, which would involve her actually caring. She's never really happy or sad; she just exists. I try to piss her off to get something out of her, but it doesn't really work. A genuine reaction or emotion out of her that isn't calculated would be great. She doesn't care about anything, it's kind of sad."

Yeah, I can understand why she would feel that way. I get it, "Maybe she just wants to be left alone." I counter.

"That ain't it," Tommy disagrees as he takes another sip of his drink, "we're just not the right people she's looking for. Ah, there's one."

Tommy gestures over at the door, and I watch as another woman walks in. I think I've seen her before, Jane, I think. She mostly works in the greenhouses, nice enough girl, I guess. She doesn't seem like the type of person the doctor would like. Jane seems pretty shy and subdued. She seems too friendly to get along with someone like her.

Though, to be fair, I guess I don't know a whole lot about her to make that assumption. I watch as the doctor gets up from her seat, cutting off her conversation with Cedric to his disappointment, to go and greet Jane. Jane practically squeals her name when she sees her and pulls her into a hug.

I watch the doctor pull her to the table where Cedric was still sitting, not very excited to compete with someone else for her attention.

But, there is no competition. Whoever Jane is to her, she is someone very important to her. She lit up in a way I did not think was possible when she saw Jane, making her features look softer and prettier than the darkness that lurks under the surface. I can't lie, I do appreciate the darkness in her... What am I even thinking?

"Apparently, they go way back," Tommy informs me, watching the 2 women as well, "they are both originally from Boston. Ever see 'em before?"

Yep, as if I needed anymore confirmation. I wonder if it was Jane who admitted to Tommy that they were from Boston. I doubt the doctor would have given that information willingly. A flash of a broken and bloodied girl flashes in my mind...

"The hell?" I mumble as I look down the alleyway leading back to my apartment.

There is a girl lying across the alleyway, unmoving. I'm about to just keep walking, wait for FEDRA to deal with this shit, not my job.

But I hear a sudden intake of breath, as if she noticed me walking away from her. I don't know why, but it draws me toward her. The closer I get, the more I think I imagined the sharp breath coming from her body; there's no way she's alive.

"H...Help..." She pleaded in a tiny voice, barely audible.

One of her arms was bent at an impossible angle, clearly broken. She had strangulation marks around her neck, her eyes were bloodshot, her face was swollen and covered in bruises. Her wrists had marks around them like she had been tied up. Her hair was caked in blood, impossible to tell what colour it was.

It looked like she was shot in the abdomen, there is a clear bullet hole through her clothes. There's a flash, and I'm looking at Sarah. Got to be the whiskey. Crying and reaching out for me as the life drains out of her, in too much pain to form any coherent words. Eyes wide with fear, pleading for me to help.

I turn away from her, feeling like I'm going to be sick. I'm not doing this, I can't do this, can't have another kids blood on my hands. This girl don't look like she can be more than 16. One of FEDRA's pets, probably.

I almost continue walking, but something pulls me back toward the girl, "the hell 'em I thinkin'?" I mumble to myself.

I turn around and scoop her up before I can change my mind. She definitely has more broken bones than just her arm. Her bones creak and shift under my hands. She whimpers quietly, probably broken ribs, her lungs won't allow her to scream.

"I'll do what I can, keep quiet."

....

"Joel?" Tommy's voice snaps me out of my flashback.

"What?"

"Hey! Miller brothers!"

We both look in the direction of her table, "If you're both going to keep staring at me, I'm going to start charging you! Unless, Mr. T. Miller, you are working up the courage to invite me to a threesome with Maria!"

Jane gives us an apologetic smile as she hands her a drink, in hopes of stopping her from yelling across the bar again. It does the trick, she merely glares at us and turns to continue her conversation with Jane, ignoring Cedric, who seems to be trying to include himself in their conversation.

"So, do you remember them from Boston?" Tommy asks again.

"No," I lie, "I don't think so."

"Shame, I would have loved some more dirt I could use on her."

"Maybe you should just leave her alone. She's not here to be your entertainment." I scolded him, as if I had any right to tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do.

"Maybe you're right," Tommy sighs, "I'm acting like a grade schooler pulling on a girl's hair to get 'em to notice me."

Not like I can blame him, she's an interesting woman. I'd even say she is a little dangerous; no good could come from getting involved with someone like her. I feel like I have to convince myself of that, because I would be lying if I said I wasn't intrigued by her too. Haven't felt this way toward anybody since... Well, before the outbreak.

I sat with Tommy there for awhile, he invited a few more people to our table to have a drink and chat with us. More so Tommy than me, I add to the conversation occasionally, but I can't stop my eyes from travelling over to the doctor's table. She looks over at me every once in a while too. Jane will say something to her, she'll say something, and she will be brought back in.

It's making me nervous, she hasn't said anything yet, but who's to say she won't say anything in the future? I need to talk to her, I need to understand why she hasn't said anything. What does she know that others don't?

Tommy mentioned she lives on the same street as me, I need to figure out which one. I need answers from her, if I have any hope of sleeping easy.

"Well," Tommy pushes his chair away from the table, "I have night watch tonight, I gotta get home and at least get a few hours of sleep. See ya'll later."

I finish my drink and pay Seth, I look over at the now vacant table the doctor was sitting at. She left a little earlier than us. I can't ask Tommy where exactly she lives, he'll get suspicious. I haven't told him she knows about Ellie's immunity, Tommy or Maria.

I walk briskly through the town as I make my way back toward my house. I wonder if Ellie will be there or if she went off with Dina again. I'm glad she is making friends and is fitting in well, but I do miss the time we spend together. Maybe I'll recommend a movie night, that should help a little. I'll see what kind of movies Tommy has at his house.

Walking around Jackson still feels strange. We've been here for a month, but I find it hard to believe that I could ever get used to this. People recognize and wave politely at me as I walk past them, and all I can do is nod curtly at them and walk faster. I'm not comfortable with anyone around here other than Tommy. How the hell are we ever going to assimilate here?

I finally reach my house, but I can't bring myself to go in yet. Fuck it, I'm going to figure out which house is her's, and I'm going to get some answers.

Just gotta look for a house that looks the least inviting. Probably has barbed wire around it and traps that would impress even Bill.

It doesn't take me long to find it, since most people's mailboxes have their names on them. Yet another weird feeling, the amount of people outside these walls who would love for my name to be written outside, like airport employees with giant glow sticks directing them right to my front door.

I see her name on a mailbox a house 5 houses down and across from me. It was not what I was expecting. It was a warm, welcoming-looking 2 story house, which didn't really suit her at all. It somehow seemed wrong for such a cold person to have such a warm and inviting looking home. Though, the same could be said about me.

I can feel my stomach do flips as I walk up to her door. Why am I so nervous? I have to stand there for a few moments just to calm myself down. It's a strange feeling, how many groups of people have I gone up against, how many people, how many infected have a killed and not felt a single thing. But, here I am, stomach doing flips to confront one woman. I finally raised my hand to knock.

I knock on the door and shuffle from foot to foot nervously, waiting for her to answer. I didn't have to wait for too long. The door opens, and she peeks her head out, "Mr. Miller," she raises her eyebrows at me in surprise.

"Joel." I correct her.

"I'm aware, what are you doing here? My clinic hours are posted at the clinic, make an appointment with the secretary at the hospital, and with a doctor who cares. Dr. Wilson is brilliant, you'll like him."

"Are you going to let me in, or no?" I narrow my eyes at her.

"Well, if you're giving me the choice," she starts to close the door, but I stick my boot in the threshold, stopping her from closing the door in my face.

"Jeez, so serious," she chuckles and steps away, gesturing for me to come in, "sure, come in."

Her home really doesn't seem to suit her from the inside either. I guess I can't say what I was expecting, but it looks just as warm and inviting as it does outside. The house is clean enough to perform surgeries in here. Maybe it does kind of suit her; there is no personality, nothing in the house gives anything away about the owner. Like one of those model homes in ads in the old world. The interior was nice and all, but it was all too cookie-cutter, too fake, like no real humans could live there.

"What?" She watches me survey her house, "expecting hanging bodies and pentagrams?"

"Actually I was expecting children in cages."

"Aha! Jokes on you, they are upstairs. How else am I going to harvest enough children's tears to live another century?"

I follow her further into the house, something does smell good in here, she leads me into the kitchen and points to a chair pushed against the island, "Do you like steak?" She asks me as she walks over to the stove.

"I like steak." I respond.

"Too bad, I'm making chicken."

She's wearing those fitted jeans again. Similar ones that I saw her in when I met her at the clinic. Tucked into it this time is a black button-up shirt rather than a plaid shirt. She does have a nice figure.

I shake my head as thoughts I haven't had in decades come to mind. The hell? What is with this girl?

She flicks me on the forehead, forcing the dirty thoughts to dissipate for now, "What are you doing?" I squint at her.

"Um, sorry to interrupt your daydreaming, but need I remind you that you came here, and now you're just spacing out in my kitchen when I try to do the polite thing and invite you in and offer you dinner while you're here. No tact from you, Mr. Miller. If you want to ask me something, this isn't the way to get a satisfactory response from me."

I just watch as she turns away from me again and seasons the chicken on the counter and checks the temperature of one of the pans on the stove. Seems like she is frying vegetables too in another pan. Usually I just go to the mess hall, there's always people there waiting for a decent meal rather than cook for themselves.

"So, why have you come here?" She turns around to look at me, leaning against the counter, tilting her head at me.

I don't waste anymore time, "You haven't talked with anyone about Ellie, right?" It felt like a threat as much as it was a question, and that's how I mean it to be.

But she remains unfazed by my darker threatening tone, if anything, it seems to amuse her, "Can't," she shrugs, "patient-client confidentiality and all that shit."

"There ain't exactly a governing body to hold you to that standard."

"Just an angry father figure who woudn't hesitate to kill me, I imagine. I would say that's better motivation to keep someone quiet over any governing body." She says as she adds the chicken to the skillet once she is satisfied with the temperature.

"You didn't seem surprised when you found out Ellie was immune."

She stares at me coolly, as it seems to be her regular look when she communicates with people, uninterested. Like nothing can break her calm demeanour, like everyone and everything bores her.

"Perhaps this isn't the first time I've heard of someone being immune," she crosses her arms in front of her chest, watching me closely.

"What do you know?"

"I don't know very much, only theories, nothing that can really be proven... At least I can admit that." She said it with a hint of bitterness.

"You know about the Fireflies?" I ask her, resting my elbows on the counter, learning forward.

Hearing the Fireflies has clearly stricken a raw nerve. Her neutral face stiffens, and she chews on her bottom lip, "I'm aware of their plans."

"Don't have faith in 'em?"

"Neither do you, you're here and not there." She comments as she turns her back to me again to flip the chicken.

I stay silent, waiting to see if she will continue. I don't have to wait long, it seems like there is something she wants to get off her chest.

"Before the outbreak, there may have been research into potential anti-fungal vaccines, maybe it came down to funding, maybe the different cellular structures caused too much of a complication, maybe because they were not as widespread or as dangerous at the time as certain viral and bacterial infections that weren't just a danger for immunocompromised people."

She turns from the chicken and focuses on the vegetables, "if you look at it from a cellular level, fungi cells are closer to the structure of human cells, more so than viral and bacterial cells. Since they are more similar, it makes getting the body to mount an immune response against the fungal cells and not the host's own cells more difficult."

She's angry, there's some natural emotion I'm seeing from her. There's more to this than just her distain for the Firefly's ideologies.

She takes a deep breath, like she knows that her composure is starting to slip, "medical jargon aside, I feel like their motives are more to prove a point to the military than it is to save civilization."

"There's a lot of shit they need to do," she goes on, she doesn't seem able to stop herself, "they think they just need to study the cells under a microscope. I mean, how are they going to keep the fungi alive when they extract it from the host to study it? It's just as important to interview people who are immune. They have to dive into their past, look for common threads. Look for people in Boston where Ellie came from is a good start. Oh, wait. FEDRA would never allow that. But, they can't just cut into immune people and figure it out as they go, or force them to reproduce so their offspring can be experimented on too. They don't have enough scientific minds left to interpret any sort of data they get accurately. This is why vaccines go through extensive testing, trials and scrutiny."

"I'm not saying it's necessarily impossible, I just mean they are really overestimating what they can do, and that's dangerous. Sure, they have some very smart people who, for the most part, know what they are doing. But there is just not enough knowledge or resources to be successful. I admire their motivations to an extent, but they are in waaay over their heads and they are too stubborn to admit it. They've talked a lot of shit, they don't want it to work, they NEED it to work, otherwise what was all that bloodshed for between the Fireflies and FEDRA, it would all be for nothing."

"They are desperate for it to work so bad that they aren't thinking clearly and are willing to do anything to achieve their goal. Even when everything points to it being an inevitable failure."

She stops herself from continuing and turns her attention back to the chicken, now perfectly seared on both sides. She takes them off the stove and puts them in the oven.

"You seem to have some knowledge of how things worked back in the day. How? You can't be that old."

"I'm 24 and that's classified information, sir." She mumbles as she turns back to me.

"Parents work in the medical field?"

She crosses her arms again, tilting her head at me, smirking slightly, knowing she's not going to give me answers about her past.

"Family member a Firefly?" I continue to prod regardless.

"Why do you care, Mr. Miller? That has nothing to do with Ellie; that's why you're here, isn't it? I don't ask you invasive questions, and don't bring up the intake forms, that's just protocol."

"I'm just curious as to how you know what you know."

"Oh, I see," she slaps her palm against her forehead, "well, no, you don't get to."

This conversation is going nowhere fast. She clams up at the most basic questions about her past. Can't say I haven't been the same way. Maybe if I open up a little bit, she'll be more willing to share.

"Listen, clearly you have your own issues with the Fireflies, I get it. When I was in Boston, Marlene asked me and my partner Tess, to take Ellie to the Fireflies, so they could make some kinda vaccine. They were planning on cuttin' into her brain, killing her to study the infection."

Her face softens slightly to my surprise, "you're him..."

"s'cuse me?"

"Nothing," she replies, face returning to neutral as fast as it faltered slightly, "they went straight to killing her? They didn't want to take time fully testing her blood? Lymph? Biopsy other areas?"

That seemed to get her interest, "I took Ellie and left, I didn't travel across the country with her for her to die for nothin'. Not after everything we've been through together."

"Do you have kids of your own, or just your pseudo-child?"

I can feel my knuckles clench and the tension spreads throughout my whole body. Talking to Ellie about Sarah is one thing, but talking with someone who is still essentially a stranger is way beyond my capabilities at the moment.

She studies me as my hand moves over to my watch subconsciously. She seems to understand and decides against pushing further.

"Even if they did, by some miracle, figure out a cure, then what?" She continues her rant to fill the silence, "How are they going to distribute it? It's not like we can cure the people who have already become infected over the years. We still have to deal with them. How many people will even believe what the Fireflies say is true? That they found a cure? To a lot of people the Fireflies are no better than FEDRA. Are they expecting people to just open the gates for them and let them stick them with whatever they have?"

It seems she's had this conversation before, she is becoming more animated again.

"I mean, I heard it was hard enough getting parents to vaccinate themselves, even when there were tons of scientific evidence proving their value, let alone their offspring. 'Oh hey, doctor, I don't need to vaccinate my kids, right?' 'No, sir, I mean, only if you want them to live.'"

I can see a conversation playing out exactly like that if she was a doctor in the old world. The mental image does make me smirk a little.

"Look, I'm not trying to prove that I'm smarter than any other doctor. I just think some doctors really overestimate what they are capable of in this world on their own. It's like they don't stop and think about the logistics at all. Not all of them, obviously, but here are quite a few of them with the Fireflies."

"And who even knows how many immune people there are out there, it can't just be Ellie. A lot of people may be immune, but they'll never figure it out unless they get bitten or inhale spores. Not like a lot of people are jumping the gun to test that theory. The average person doesn't even consider the possibility that anyone could be immune."

"But, you know," I comment.

She clams up again, getting her to talk about her past and understanding how she got this information is going to be difficult. But I can't seem to help myself.

"Did you figure it out in Boston?" I press.

She blinks slowly at me before smiling knowingly, "I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. Miller. And neither do you."

The smell of her cooking has me distracted briefly from the conversation. It's been a while since I've smelled food this good. My own cooking is subpar at best, and the meals they serve in the mess hall and the Tipsy Bison are palatable enough.

"Did the FEDRA soldiers in the Boston QZ know?" I asked her suddenly.

"I'm not from Boston," she reiterates, even though she knows I clearly know what I'm talking about. Why is she so against admitting she is from Boston?

"Okay, let's say for argument's sake," I relent, "you are obviously lying. How did FEDRA find out?"

"Don't piss me off, Miller," she waves a spatula at me, "I will undercook your chicken in a heartbeat."

I don't even know why I care so much. She's against the Fireflies, it seems, so why am I continuing to interrogate her? It's none of my business, I have to keep reminding myself of that. I have enough to worry about with myself and Ellie.

"I'm not going to tell anyone, Mr. Miller. All I ask in return is that you extend me the same courtesy. You don't question me about my past, and I won't prod into what happened in Salt Lake City."

She pulls the chicken out of the oven, making the smell in the kitchen even more intense, actually making my stomach growl.

She plates the chicken and spoons vegetables onto the plate like an artist, "I don't 'eat,' Mr. Miller," she laughs at me eyeing the artful display before me, "I 'dine.'"

She teases me, holding the plate just out of my reach, "Deal?" She moves it closer and then pulls back when I reach for it.

"Deal," I mutter as I grab the plate, "Boston."

She narrows her eyes at me before she smiles. It took me aback when it appeared to be a genuine one. "I like you, Mr. Miller," she giggles as she grabs her own plate. "I think we're going to have so much fun. I do love a worthy rival. Call me Boston all you want, I will find a way to retaliate."

I shrug, "it is interestin' that this is the hill you want to die on."

"What can I say? I have a reputation."

Her chicken is amazing, a nice balance of herds, perfectly charred on the outside, soft and juicy once you cut into it.

"How is it?" she asks me smugly.

"Mediocre," I grunt, "who taught you how to cook? FEDRA?"

"No, my bro-" her face falls as she cuts herself off and falls silent. I decide against probing further, too busy eating anyway.

There was suddenly a knock at the door and a familiar voice called out her name from the other side of the door. They don't wait for her to respond, they just let themselves in, "Oh, knew I came at the right time, thought you might be cookin'."

"... Tommy?" I narrow my eyes suspiciously at him, "What're you doin' here?"

"I'm his mistress," she says as she gets up to fix a plate for Tommy too, "we're having an affair."

"Smelt the food and came runnin', huh, Joel?" Tommy slaps me on the back and sits next to me.

"Pretty much," she covers for me, "he wanted to warn me there were a few things he failed to mention during his intake assessment. Erectile dysfunction isn't something you need to be ashamed of, Mr. Miller. It's actually quite common in old men. In fact, you can stop in and see Linden. I've heard he has an interesting collection of tapes he can let you borrow. Not as variable as what the internet would have had back in the day, but it's something, I guess. Better than just your imagination."

"What're you talkin' about?"

"You know, grab your dick and double click for porn porn porn." She dodges quickly as Tommy attempts to cover her mouth. Tommy laughs as I almost choke on my chicken. What is up with this girl?

"Is it too late to request a street without you on it?" I glare at her.

"Mhmm," She grins, satisfied at being able to successfully annoy me.

She's an odd woman; if there is one thing I do well, it's keeping everyone at bay, a defence mechanism I've built up over the years. People around here don't exactly know how to deal with me yet. Many seem overly sensitive to how I'm going to react, my guard is not just going to come down. Then there is this woman. She doesn't care, it doesn't bother her when I glare at her, when I grumble at her, nothing works. If anything, she seems to enjoy getting a rise out of me, it is interesting, I'll give that to her.

"What brings you here, Joel?" Tommy stares at me suspiciously, don't really understand why he's giving me that look. Even though I did give him a similar look when he came in.

"Wanted to ask her if she could offer extra supplies to go out on patrol with. Last time we were out, if you remember, you almost got impaled." I answer him.

I haven't figured out what exactly I'm going to say to Tommy yet about what happened with the Fireflies. I feel like I shouldn't talk to him about the conversation I had with her today. At least not yet.

"We got on fine," Tommy waved me off, "we can't take too many materials from the clinic or hospital. We have some first aid supplies."

"Could really use one of them surgical staplers," I suggest, "less infection risk, and quicker to patch people up than with stitches."

"That's more somethin' you need to bring up at our next meeting. See what the head doc says, not up to her to make that decision."

"If you 2 hens are finished with your clucking," she sighs, "Mr. T. Miller, I thought you were going to talk to me about the upcoming assignments."

"T. Miller?" Tommy squints at her.

"Mr. T. Miller," she nods at Tommy and then jerks her head toward me, "Mr. J. Miller, it's really not that complicated."

"You could just call us by our first names, it would save time." Tommy insists.

"Indeed. Though one could counter argue by saying not bringing it up every time would also save time." She raises an eyebrow at Tommy.

It is odd, why does she insist on calling people by their last names rather than their first? FEDRA thing? She calls Ellie by her name and also Maria. She won't tell me even if I ask, maybe Tommy has an idea. Clearly, she doesn't just do it to men she is unfamiliar with, she's known Tommy for years and still calls him by his last name.

"Listen," Tommy says nervously to her, as if he knows what he's about to say will piss her off, "about the trip to Boise, Maria wants to send Peter instead of you."

Tommy averts his eyes exclusively back to his plate, "What?" She turns to face him, glaring at Tommy as he takes a bite of chicken.

"It's a 5-6 day hike just to get there," Tommy says slowly, trying to find the right words to not piss her off more, "Peter is more experienced on longer missions, you haven't gone for more than a day before. We would feel more comfortable with you here."

"When are you going to stop babying me?!" She gets up from her seat and stomps around the island to Tommy so she can grab his plate and yank it away from him, "It's not going to happen again, okay? I promise to be more careful! I won't run!"

My ears perk up, wonder what this is about, have to get Tommy to fill me in on it later. Or maybe I should leave it alone... No, I'm asking him.

"We can't afford to lose you."

"But you can afford to lose, Dr. Wilson?! He's been a doctor for longer than me and has much more experience!"

Whatever happened clearly cuts deep, another thing that brings out actual emotion from her.

"Peter is more experienced when it comes to being on longer missions, and-"

"You can't hold me hostage here! In case you need a reminder, I took care of myself and Jane before we reached Denver! We were on the run for months! If anyone is experienced out there it is me!"

"Shoulda waited until after I was done eatin'," Tommy stares at the plate she is still holding just out of his reach.

"I don't care what you have to do, you will fix this. Talk to Maria, tell her she is overreacting. Just re-arange the schedule and give me someone super reliable, not Mr. Smith, please."

Tommy sighs deeply as he reaches his hand out, "I will talk to Maria again."

"And you will convince her," she waves a finger at him, "eyes on me, sir."

Tommy's eyes shift from the chicken to her again, "I'll convince her."

"I don't care what sexual favours you have to perform, but I hope it involves you not being able to sit properly for days."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me the chicken, you tease."

She places it back in front of him and returns to her seat on the other side of me.

"I know you're anxious to hear from Ben, but-"

"Enough," she snaps dangerously. She didn't raise her voice; her tone was flat, but it made Tommy freeze.

"Good talk," Tommy mumbles, as he continues eating.

Tommy and I end up chatting as she sits quietly, picking at her own dinner, pushing the food around the plate more than she eats it, deep in thought. Whatever that conversation was between them has clearly struck a nerve with her. She seems like someone you don't want to piss off, though it is tempting to do so.

Once we finish, I get up from my seat, "I got to get back to Ellie," I stretch the stiffness out of my joints, "Thanks." I nod at her.

"Yeah, that was really great," Tommy adds, "worth me getting' my ass chewed out."

"You're welcome, now get out, Jane should be here soon." She replies as she brought the dishes to the sink.

"Jane too? Think I'll stay if that's alright with you. You're always such much more fun and relaxed when Jane is around." Tommy jokes.

The thought of him staying here with her and me leaving annoys me, so I just grabbed Tommy's arm and drag him out with me, "Always a pleasure, Boston," I tip my imaginary hat to her.

I can see her pause at the sink and tense up a bit before she composes herself again, "out." She smiled as she pointed toward the door.

As soon as we walk out the door, we almost run into Jane as she climbs the steps, "Oh, Tommy and Joel, right?" Jane greets us as we step out onto the porch.

"Yeah."

She has pin-straight, shoulder-length brown hair and brown eyes. She looks friendly enough, even a bit shy as she greets us both with a smile. I can't help but notice how her and Jane's personalities seem to clash. To be fair, I don't know either of them that well, but from what I've seen so far, it's hard to imagine them being close friends.

From the brief conversation I observed between her and Tommy, apparently Jane and her were out alone surviving together and she was the one to take care of Jane. I'll have to grill her about that story. Can't believe I'm already trying to think of a scenario where I can speak with her again, what is happening to me?

"Yeah, Joel smelled her cooking and came in." Tommy nudges me playfully as I scowl at him.

"And she let you...?" Jane's smile falters as she looks at me, eyebrows scrunched in confusion.

"Yeah, that alright?" I reply gruffly, wanting to exit the conversation.

"S-sure," she stuttered, "it's just.... Um, nevermind. Have a good night, gentlemen." She nods at each of us before letting herself into the house.

"Let's head to your house," Tommy puts his arm around my shoulders, "you still got coffee, right?"

I let him steer me towards my house as my thoughts are still distracted by that woman. What is it about her that has me on edge like this?

_______________________________________________________________________________

"There you are," I breathe a sigh of relief when I see Jane walk through the door, "you just saved me from the Millers."

"Yeah, I saw," She gives me a weird look, "am I missing something?"

"What? Jealous? I have people other than just you over?"

"Obviously," she jokes, "you're my girl!"

She still seems kind of suspicious though as she walks toward me into the kitchen, "Everything okay?" I ask her, eyebrow raised.

"It's just, it's weird to see a stranger leave your home without them limping, bleeding, or nursing an injury of some kind."

I shrug like it's not a big deal, "He just had some health-related questions. I don't know why you're making it a thing."

"I don't think you're making it enough of a thing," Jane comments as she sits on one of the vacant sets in the kitchen, watching me carefully, "it's like you know him."

She can read me well, as always. To be honest, I don't know why I feel comfortable around Joel. It just feels like I know him somehow. There's just something different about him, I feel kind of safe when I'm around him, I can't explain it. It is very uncharacteristic of me.

"Tommy come with him?" Jane asks me, pulling my half-eaten plate of food toward her.

"No, he came after. He wanted to try to tell me he doesn't want me going on the Boise Hospital mission."

"Oh.... Well, yeah." She replied uncertainly, clearly wanting to say something, but she didn't want to upset me.

"What?" I prompt her.

"I mean, I get where he is coming from. Even you have to admit you've been getting more reckless recently. I know you're worried because you haven't heard from Ben in a while, but running off on your own isn't going to help. You don't get to steal a horse and resources to go on a suicide mission."

I look over on the counter where the last letter Ben sent me sits. I've re-read it almost everyday over the past several months. Like if I read it repeatedly some new secret will reveal itself to me. I have it memoriezed by now.

Hey sis,

I know it's been a little while, but Santa Barbara is turning out to be more trouble than it's worth if you ask me. Less people have been going out to recruit, so no one has been willing to help send letters. There is a crazy group here that is gaining numbers fast. We relocated to Catalina Island for now. I'll probably be stuck here for a while until we get the place under control.

We have been trying to gather more recruits here to help us fight, but our numbers aren't exactly what they used to be. And less and less people are on board with the cause. Don't you laugh and tell me 'I told you so.'

Once things calm down I'll head to Jackson, don't worry, I won't preach to you again. I don't think you quite know how scary you are when you get mad.

I'll see you soon, sis. Give my best wishes to Jane too,

Love you,

Ben

He's never gone this long without sending word to me. Things must have gotten worse in California. He's a good fighter, we've both leanred from the best, but hand to hand skills aren't going to do much in a gun fight when both groups are well armed and know how to shoot.

"He's from Boston too, you know," I say to Jane, wanting to get my brother out of my head, "did you hear?"

"Mhmm," she replies, "don't change the subject. Why do you want to go on the Boise mission so bad anyway? If running away isn't your goal, that is?"

"I know we haven't had any Fireflies around here for a while, but who's to say there aren't some over in Boise? They have a hospital there, it's not too far fetched of an idea to believe there may be some there. Maybe they know about Ben, maybe they have another letter from him."

Jane says my name softly, "You've gone for long stretches of time without hearing from him before. What's different now?"

"Something just feels off, I can't explain it." I've been feeling uneasy for months now. Just a sinking feeling in my stomach that won't settle.

"You need to focus on something else, not work, not medicine, not training, not your brother, not cooking, something new."

Those are the best things to distract me from my thoughts; my hands can't be idle, it drives me crazy.

"Like what?" I turn to her, waiting for her to finish my dinner so I can clean the last plate.

"What about Cedric?" Jane offeres, knew that was coming, "he's a handsome man, and you already went there with him when we were in Boston. You're too tense all the time, you need to find someone." She teases me.

"Yeah, but you know the reason as to why I did that. I was just trying to protect myself, same as you, if you recall. Just because you have someone now, doesn't mean I have to have one too. I'm just not cut out for this kind of thing. A relationship with Moore is never something I have wanted. I didn't even necessarily want him here, but he was already here when we got here. Can't change that."

I didn't think the next place we would come to was also going to house a one-night stand I had back in Boston.

"You trusted him enough, and he was kind to you. That's more than many of us could hope for back in Boston."

Yeah, well that was the point, wasn't it?

I take the plate and start rinsing it in the sink, "I'm just saving myself for you, my love. I'm not at all convinced that we will not just end up together one day. Until then, I'm perfectly fine with just romancing myself."

She rolls her eyes and laughs, "I don't get why you don't like Ethan, he's a doctor too, you guys get along fine at work."

I bite my tongue, I know why Ethan started dating Jane in the first place, but I didn't want to upset her just in case I was wrong. For her sake, I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt. She likes him a lot, maybe his obsession with me has blown over by now. Doesn't mean I have to like him though, just have to tolerate him.

"You're just trying to give me more reasons to stay."

"Obviously."

Jane is safe and she is the only other person tethering me here to Jackson. If she weren't here, I would have been gone a long time ago.

She stands next to me and dries the dishes I just cleaned, "You promised me a movie night, ma'am, let's get this out of the way."

We slip into a comfortable silence, she's the only person I can be silent with and be comfortable. She's my best friend, we know each other in and out. We don't feel the need to fill the void with mindless chatter.

But, I'm also quiet because I keep thinking about Joel. I wonder what exactly happened with the Fireflies in Salt Lake. They just let him take Ellie and go, when they know she is immune? Not likely, I'm sure he had to kill a few of them before getting out of there. Not going to act like I would have done anything different if they wanted to experiment on my brother.

There is nothing more I can do to convince him not to keep mentioning Boston. Where does he recognize me from? Tess never named him, but this must be the man she spoke so fondly of. Even though she was a smuggler and did a lot of shady shit, she was still someone I grew to trust. I don't think she would have mentioned me to Joel, we kept our friendship very quiet. Couldn't have FEDRA figuring it out afterall. Maybe it's because of her that I feel kind of comfortable around him. Even when he likes to bug me by bringing up Boston.

It's not that I regret the decisions I made there, they kept me alive. But my memories of Boston only cause me pain now, pain I would love to not experience anymore; the world is full of enough of it.

"Everything okay?" Jane side eyes me, "you're pretty quiet,"

"Joel mentioned Tess," it feels strange saying his name out loud, but in a nice way, "I think he was the man Tess talked about."

"No shit! Yeah, maybe, she was affiliated with a lot of people in Boston. Wonder why she's not with him now."

"I mean, probably dead." I suggest, "he mentioned he and Tess were supposed to smuggle Ellie out of the city. You'd think they would have still stuck together if she were still around."

"Yeah... Probably." She agrees.

She helped us out a lot when she didn't need to, to her detriment, I'd argue. I hope, however, that if she died, it had nothing to do with helping us. I don't know if I would be able to live with that on top of everything else. We owe her a lot, and there is nothing we can do for her now.

"Come on," she grabs my hand and pushes me to the living room, "movie night, you promised."

"Sorry," I try to force my intrusive thoughts down and my spirits up and enjoy my time with Jane, she deserves it.  

Chapter Text

“You know what the punishment is. Turning a blind eye to smugglers is one thing, taking their stash for yourself is another matter. You getting selfish on us here?”

They had the soldier on the ground, holding him at gunpoint. Don’t know what he is whining for, this was inevitable. Even FEDRA can’t outsmart FEDRA for long. Not with so many of us able to sneak into the shadows and follow our targets.

One of the higher ranking officers calls my name, “you can go, thanks for giving us a heads up.”

I don’t need or want his praise. I don’t need to say anything, only hold out my hand for my payment.

He smirks at me, “yeah yeah, here. We need you again tonight, so make sure you rest up.”

I stiffen up immediately and he laughs, “at ease, nothing like that, I already gave you my word.”

He hands me a generous amount of ration cards along with another one of my father’s texts that they stole years ago. 

My shoulders relax slightly, “understood, Major Banks.”

I slip out of the building, ignoring the loud protests from the soldier. I’m used to this though, he shouldn’t have let his guard down in front of me. I do have to be more careful, the smugglers are getting bolder, and if they catch me ratting out the soldiers they are dealing with, they will not handle it lightly.

I tuck the ration cards securely in my pockets and look at the book Banks gave me. It was a pharmaceutical text, not exactly what I wanted, but if I continue to cooperate, he’ll give me something valuable eventually.

As I’m walking back to the apartment I share with Ben, I hear a commotion going down one of the streets I walk past. Can’t they be more subtle? It’s after curfew after all.

“It’s our’s, Tess!”

“Bullshit! You walked away from the deal, you think you can swoop in at the last minute and take the drugs for yourself! Tell that to Donovan!”

They must be smugglers. I’ve heard they have been breaking off into groups, and things are pretty strained right now, what with resources getting scarcer. Guess they are all turning on each other now. Hard to believe there is no honour among thieves.

Hmmm. If I let this go on, maybe I can pop in there. I’ve been working on my combat skills thanks to Thompson. Depending on how many of them there are, I may be able to take them for myself. Wonder what that will get me?

I do have to be careful, though. The only reason why I am sort of protected is because Banks has a weird obsession with owning young women and using them as he pleases. I may be his favourite right now, but that doesn’t mean I’m immune to his wrath if I push too far.

I peek around the alleyway and see a brunette woman holding up 3 men at gunpoint by herself. She seems to be injured, there is a knife sticking out of her stomach, at least she has brains enough to keep it in. How many FEDRA soldiers have I seen with similar injuries that pull the shit out?

That woman, Tess, doesn’t wait for the men to attack her again, she shoots one of them as the other 2 rush her. She aims her gun at one while the other rips the knife out of her stomach and stabs it into her shoulder, as she tries to kick him away, both hands steadying her aim.

She raises the gun in time to shoot the one guy, but she has another one to deal with and she now has at least 2 stab wounds.

I don’t know what it was, but my feet started moving before I was even conscious of it. I pull the knife out of the strap on my thigh and drive it into the back of the man’s neck.

The woman looks at me suspiciously, holding the gun to me now, “Who the fuck are you?”

“Your fairy fucking godmother, does it matter?” I mutter, “I live nearby, come with me.”

She stares at me uncertainly, “Unless, of course, you think you can outrun the blood loss. Be my guest. But I think we both know they are not the only ones in the area.” As I look at her, I realize she is more injured than I had anticipated.

She takes a quick moment to loot their pockets, grabs some ammo and straightens herself up, wincing a little, “Tess.” She introduces herself to me gruffly.

I give her my name and lead her to my apartment to patch her up, still unsure as to why I’m wasting the effort. I turn to look back at her when the memory changes to another one….

Now I’m in a dark room, no windows. Has to be one of FEDRA’s holding cells. I don’t even know how long I’ve been in here, all I remember is walking home with Jane and then…. Jane…

“Jane!” I scream and try to stand up, but then it dawns on me that I am chained up.

“Jane!”

The only door to the room opens and 2 FEDRA soldiers with uniforms come in and point their guns at me, “shut it.”

I spit at them and one of them lunges at me, “Stop!”

The soldier stops and tuns to the doorway, Major Banks was standing there, “she’s not your’s to torment.” He glares at the soldier and steps into the room.

He wraps his hand around my throat and slams me against the wall, “Didn’t think I’d find out, did you?”

“Obviously,” I wheeze, “otherwise I wouldn’t have done it. Do what you want, I don’t care.”

“No, that’s the problem with you, isn’t it? You think you don’t care, but I have someone you very much care about.”

He snaps his fingers and another soldier enters the room, “dragging Jane along with him by her hair.

I can’t keep my front up anymore, “No,” I cry out, completely defeated.

“Let’s see how much you don’t care now,” Banks smirks at me as he lets me go and makes his way over to Jane.

“No!”

...........

I jolt awake and jump out of bed, grabbing the knife I keep next to my bed and raise it, getting ready for battle. It took me a moment to realize it was just a dream. I have to remind myself that those memories are in the past, that Jane is safe and encourage my heart beat to return to normal.

These dreams have been plaguing my sleep recently, reliving the past, waking up sweating and screaming like I am still there. Memories coming randomly, interrupting other memories, my subconscious trying to protect me from my past. My hand reaches up to trace the scar on my chest and stomach, they’re stinging as if they were only a few days old instead of years.

Memories of Tess have been popping up now too, ever since Joel and Ellie got here.

I leave my room and go downstairs to get a glass of water. Usually when I have a night like tonight I would head over to Jane’s, I don’t like to be alone with my thoughts like this, It’s dangerous.

But, I know Ethan will be over there. I glare at my cupboards as I grab a glass and fill it with water. I look outside, noticing it is already starting to get light out. Perfect, I have a match today, this is good, I need to punch somebody, best form of therapy in this hellish world, I say… The only form, really.

I go back upstairs to shower and get dressed. I enter the bathroom, starting the water as I start to undress. My eyes look to the long longitudinal scar down my chest and the horizontal one along my lower abdomen. I trace the angry looking scars with my finger again, shivering as my mind forces me to think about something else.

I jump in the shower to avoid my reflection and quickly wash up. I use the soap Jane made me, making the steam smell like lavender. It’s a soothing scent for me, it calms my mind. After I am finished, I wrap a towel around myself and towel dry my hair with another. I brush my teeth, pick out some clothes and get dressed, letting my hair stay damp. I need to get out of the house.

I’ll eat in the Mess Hall today, don’t feel like being by myself right now, I need the distraction. I get dressed in just a pair of jeans, an olive green tank top and a dark blue blouse. I don’t even bother buttoning it up; it’s going to be warmer out.

It’s already feeling like it’s going to be a miserable day, at least I don’t have to work at the hospital or in the clinic today. Maybe I can convince Tommy to let me go out on a patrol. I can’t stay here right now. No, Jane is in the greenhouse today, maybe I’ll give her a hand.

________________________________________________________________________

It had been another month since Joel and Ellie came to Jackson. Joel’s been trying to keep himself busy with patrols, trying not to think too much about Salt Lake.

Though he did feel a bit better after confessing what happened there to Tommy. He was grateful that his brother understood; he didn’t necessarily agree with what he did, but he understood why Joel did it, and that’s all Joel needs.

He felt like he has relaxed a bit and has been starting to fit in somewhat, even if he still has a ways to go when it comes to dropping his guard a bit and chatting with other people. Not enough to make himself vulnerable, just enough to be able to interact with other people and find a new normal in this strange world he lives in, in Jackson.

Joel, Tommy and Ellie were eating in the mess hall. The mess hall is meant to encourage Jackson residents to mingle over meals. Ellie had been distant with Joel for a while, but she is starting to build that bond with him again and is making an effort to spend some time with him. Trying to ignore the nagging feeling in the back of her mind and pushing it to the side.

Tommy picks at his eggs and comments how he wished you would pick up some shifts in the kitchen. He gets Joel’s attention right away when he mentions your name.

Joel continues to see you out and about in Jackson, he can’t think of a valid excuse to go up and talk to you again. Plus, you’re always being followed by other people, usually it’s Jane, but other people from the community follow you around like puppies, no matter how many times you try and push them away.

The weird sense of comfort he gets from you both unsettles and intrigues him. But all he can do is watch casually as you go about your days, blissfully unaware of the unintentional mark you’ve left on him.

He’s asked Tommy about you on occasion, but he doesn't open up about you much. He’s trying to protect your privacy and Joel can understand that.

Joel’s heart skips a beat when he sees you suddenly walk through the door as if he summoned you. He gets even more uneasy when you approach his table, your lavender scent wafting in his direction as you approach their table since it is close to the treys.

“Hey!” Ellie greets you excitedly, “I was starting to think you were avoiding me! Where have you been?!”

“Do your awful jokes act like a siren song for other people? I only enjoy ruining them.” You smile at Ellie as you walk past them to pick up a tray.

“Come sit,” Tommy pats the seat next to him, across from Joel, motioning for you to sit there.

You shrug and agree to sit with them. Jane wasn’t there, and you were just planning on sitting by yourself. You also cannot deny that you have been wanting to see Joel again; you don’t know why, but it was nice to see him again.

Perhaps it has something to do with the memories flooding back about Tess.

Joel can’t help but notice what you’re wearing. You usually wear button up shirts. But, today, just a tank top and an unbuttoned blouse. He can’t look away; you are sitting right across from him. He notices there is a big scar on your chest, travelling down between your breasts, the rest of it hidden by your shirt.

“Wow, where did you get that?!” Ellie was the one who spoke up, staring at the scar too.

“My father, I believe,” you answer, “he had very nice breasts.” You ignore the question about the scar completely.

“I don’t think mine are going to grow at all at this point.” Ellie looks down at her own chest.

“What are you again? 14? 15? You still have time. And even if they don’t, there’s nothing wrong with itty bitty titties. There is an ancient proverb I remember my father reiterating to my brother once, ‘anything more than a mouthful is a waste.’ I think it was Confucius.”

Tommy chokes on his food and has to take a drink.

You speak to Ellie like she’s the little sister you never had, and Ellie enjoys it. She likes having people to joke with. She feels at ease with you too, knowing she doesn’t have to hide her immunity from you.

You look at Ellie’s bandaged arm, you wonder if anyone else has brought any attention to it. You feel like a big sister who wants to defend her if someone else discovers her bite mark.

“Mr. Miller,” you finally greet Joel.

“Boston,” he nods a greeting at you. He notices you smirk, making him smile ever so slightly. As much as he is able to smile anyway, it still feels unnatural.

“Hey!”

You jerk your head up when you see a man with shoulder length dirty blonde hair tied back behind him approach the table and call your name. Joel’s fingers flex as he feels like punching the man for pulling your attention away when he only just got you in front of him again.

“I challenged you today, you’re late.”

“Mr. Mercer, I haven’t forgotten, I was just about to leave.” You sigh dejectedly, looking at your mostly uneaten breakfast.

“See you out there.” He smiles and leaves the mess hall.

“You can just tell them ‘no,’ you know.” Tommy chuckles as he watches Spencer leave.

“I know, but I long for the defeated look in their eyes. I like to drink it in, makes me feel alive.” There is a mischievous note in your tone that makes Joel curious as to what you’re about to do.

“Well, nice seeing you guys,” you get up from your seat and nod at them, “Millers, Ellie.”

You crack your knuckles and stretch your arms as you leave. Following the man who interrupted your breakfast.

“What was that about?” Joel mutters as he watches you leave.

“You wanna see?” Tommy asks, a weird glint in his eyes.

“What are they doin’?”

“Finish your breakfast and I’ll show you.”

Intrigued, he and Ellie finish and follow Tommy out of the mess hall. He leads them to an area close to the stables, a fenced-in round pen. It was difficult to figure out what was going on, there was a crowd of people around the ring murmuring to each other.

Tommy finds Eugene and taps him on the shoulder, “Move over a bit, first-time viewers.”

Eugene moves and ushers them closer. “Spencer, huh?” He chuckled, “he has a good shot, I almost bet on him.”

Joel didn’t know much about Spencer, only that he too used to be a Firefly, he came to Jackson before Tommy and Eugene did. Joel hasn’t been out on any patrols with him, but he seems capable enough.

“I wouldn’t bet against her though,” Tommy nods his head slightly, looking into the ring, where you and Spencer now stood.

Tommy looks at the confused looks on Joel and Ellie’s faces, “people challenge her often,” Tommy explained as you started putting a blind fold on, “I don’t know where she learned it from, but she’s one of our best hand-to-hand combat fighters. You’ll see why.”

You pull out a thick strip of fabric and tie it around your eyes.

“She fights blind folded?” Ellie asks Tommy, amazed.

“Mhmm, just watch.”

“First time, right, Mercer?” You confirm as you finish tying the blindfold on. You’ve lost track of who you’ve gone against and beaten.

“Yeah,” Spencer replies, squaring up, “probably the last, we’ll see.”

“How about this, I’ll let you have a couple of jabs for free. Just so you can say that you at least fought back a little bit.”

“Interesting,” Spencer chuckles, “I was going to grant you the same courtesy.”

“Alright, just remember, I did offer.”

Eugene jumps into the ring with you and Spencer, “gunna check your blindfold and spin you around, Spencer, pick your starting position.”

Spencer chooses the 7:00 position around the pen and waits for Eugene to finish spinning you. Eugene jumps out of the ring and shouts, “Go!”

There are murmurs of encouragement, some for Spencer, but mostly for you. Spencer is probably one of the more capable fighters to ask you for a match, but regardless, you were confident.

Spender circles around you more, the sand in the ring helps to muffle the sounds of his footsteps. He reaches the 4:00 position and starts making his way toward you, hoping you hadn’t heard him.

But you square your body up with him, knowing where he is. Your heightened sense of hearing can pick up the soft thud of his boots against the sand. You note he is also breathing a bit heavily, you think he must be nervous or full of adrenaline.

Then you feel it, the change in pressure in the air around you as he tries to sneak closer to you, avoiding rushing you. You raise your arms up in a defensive position in time to block his incoming attacks. He jabs you a couple times, but you dodge them with ease, letting him get a few shots in before you make your move.

You deal a decisive blow with your dominant hand, hooking your hand and aiming for under his ribcage, making him a little winded. Your fists pack more power than what he was expecting. He kicks at your leg, but you’ve worked hard to condition them, a few kicks aren’t going to bring you down that easily, no matter how stong.

You feel him and wind up and swing for your chest, but you twist your torso away in time. You steady yourself as you get ready for my jabs. You duck out of the way and swing your right leg up to connect with his head, but he blocks it. He goes to jab at your stomach but you twist out of they way again, dealing your own blow to his abdomen, he doubles over and your other fist connects with the underside of his jaw, making an audible noise when his lower jaw crashes into his top teeth.

Momentarily stunning him, you knee him in the chest, as he doubles over from the blow, making him cough and gasp for the air that was forced out of his lungs. Since he’s already bent over, you press your back against his chest and grab his right arm and pull it over your shoulder. You use your legs to press your body up against him and propel you both up and forward, flipping him and yourself. Spencer lands heavily on his back with you on top of him.

Before he has a chance to recover and catch his breath, you tighten your grip on his arm more and roll to your left, forcing Spencer to roll with you. As you roll with him he tries to sink his weight into his shoulder to keep you on the ground, but you slip out from under it in time and bend his arm back and perch yourself there. He struggles for a little longer before he moans in pain and yields the match to you.

“That was quick,” you comment, “you’ve already finished and I’m all hot and bothered.”

Nobody seemed surprised to see you win but they cheered all the same. It’s not like you’re super strong or anything. Your opponents are stronger, but you’ve mastered using that as an advantage. For you, it’s about biding your time, strategically targeting your punches, putting your weight behind the ones that matter, and use the fact you’re smaller against your opponent.

“You almost dislocated my shoulder,” Spencer moaned as he rubbed his shoulder.

“I could have popped it back into place,” you tease him, taking off your blind fold, “just ask Wilson. Don’t be a baby.”

“Guess dinner is off the table then?” Spencer laughs as you offer your hand to help him off his ass.

“Yep,” you pull him up, “no deal, tell your friends that too.”

You watch him as he walks clumsily to the edge of the ring. You think maybe you hit him a little too hard. But you had a rough night and were a bit more aggressive than you tended to be.

“You know he has patrol for the next couple days, why did you have to hit him in the jaw so hard? You almost knocked him out.” Tommy lectures you as you walk out of the ring.

“Sounds like a you problem, he knew the consequences and now he is clearly concussed.” You reply.

“You better hope I can find someone to cover for him, or I’m coming after you!”

You wave dismissively at Tommy and try walking away as the crowd is starting to disperse, but Ellie stops you, “That was awesome! Teach me how to do that!”

“It takes years, it’s not something you can learn just like that.” You warn her.

“I don’t care! Teach me! Teach me!”

You look at Joel for confirmation, but he still seems to be stunned by what he just witnessed, he doesn’t know where that came from. You just don’t seem like someone who can fight the way you did, and he doesn’t know how to react or what to say. He was impressed though.

“What about you, Mr. J. Miller, fancy a go in the ring?” You wink at him.

“No, can’t say I do.” He replies, he recognizes your fighting style, you are skilled, but he is confident he could have beaten you if he were in Spencer’s position. He noted errors Spencer made and the moments where you left yourself open if someone more skilled were against you. Like Joel.

“Fair enough, probably don’t have enough fluid in those joints, I can hear them scraping and popping a mile away.”

You jog off before anyone else can stop you. Joel watched you run off, you just keep getting more and more interesting to him.

Joel let’s Ellie run off with Dina before he turns to head for the stables. He was supposed to go on patrol with Spencer, but that doesn’t seem to be happening anymore. Before he reaches the stable doors, he has a thought.

He catches back up to Tommy, who is going through the list to see who is available to go out on patrol. Joel tells him he will get you to take Spencer’s place.

Tommy stares at him with surprise, “I mean, you can try, doubt she’ll listen to you.”

He has been convincing himself the reason he wants to be around you is to keep an eye on you. Trying to figure out what your intentions are when it comes to Ellie and her immunity. He thinks he wants to build some sort of friendship with you to deter you from saying anything. Even though you don’t have any intention of doing so. But it’s easier for him to rationalize it this way; otherwise, he can’t seem to figure out why he is interested in spending time with you.

Joel saw you heading toward the greenhouses, so that’s where he went. It doesn’t take him long to find you, you were working away with Jane trying to pot some extra tomatoes.

Joel calls out your name and you look up at him, “Ah, change your mind? Not in front of the strawberries, Mr. Miller.”

“You choose to garden on your day off?” He squints at you, but he figures you’re just doing it as a favour for Jane.

“Yeah, I enjoy high octane activities that get my adrenaline going, obviously. I’m only in it for the thrill.”

“You’re coming on patrol with me.” He was not about to raise it as a question. He wants to go out on patrol with you, get to know you a bit better, see what else he can get out of you.

You raise an amused eyebrow at him, “What if I say no?”

“I’ll accept your offer to go into the ring, and you’ll find out what it’s like to be the one thrown around.”

You raise your hands in surrender, “lucky for you I wanted to go for a ride anyway. But, let’s see if you talk that big game after I hide your arthritis cream.”

Joel was a little taken aback, he wasn’t expecting you to submit so willingly. It even made him a little suspicious. He notes how surprised Jane is as well, her mouth practically fell open when you just agreed.

You strut past him, a spring in your step and an air of confidence follows you as you leave the greenhouse, “chop chop, Mr. Miller, lest we get back before you start sundowning.”

Joel grumbles at your comment and he follows you out of the greenhouse, leaving Jane more confused than anyone.

_____________________________________________________________________________

I’ve actually been wanting an excuse to talk to Joel again, this is a good opportunity. That dream I had last night, the memories I have of Tess. I need to find out what happened to her. Having him here just reminds me of her. I know he is the one she spoke about. I can’t remember if she mentioned a name, at the time I didn’t really care to know. Maybe somehow I feel if I get confirmation from Joel, I’ll feel better and dream about her less.

Joel is silent as he follows behind me, following me to the stable. I grab Chase’s halter from the barn and run out to grab him. I refuse to use any other horse, he’s a 5 year old palomino, I like him because he’s very moody and doesn’t like most people. But I’ve helped train him over my time here and bonded with him, so he tolerates me more than others.

I whistle for him, he merely looks at me with disinterest and then immediately goes back to eating. I laugh at him pretending he didn’t hear me, and go out to him. As long as he doesn’t run away, it’s a win for me.

He doesn’t object to me putting his halter on and leading him back to the barn, he must be in a good mood today. Joel just continues to stare at me, leaning on the barn wall, waiting for me to finish. I attach Chase to the cross ties before looking over at Joel, “Hey, cowboy, get a brush and give me a hand, will you?”

Joel doesn’t argue, realizing it will be easier and faster for him to just help me. We work in silence, not in a bad way, a comfortable one. I think people may believe they need to fill the void with absent-minded chatter, even Tommy is guilty of that. This is nice.

He has a commanding presence without meaning to, I’ve seen him around. It doesn’t matter what job he does, people who have been doing their jobs for years would follow directions from him in a heart beat. I’ve heard when he goes out for patrols, people follow his advice.

Maybe it’s the survivor in him, he gives off a no nonsense kind of vibe, and very serious. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find it attractive. Maybe that’s why I haven’t dated anyone here, I can kick all of their asses, literally, with my eyes closed.

Joel grabs Chase’s saddle for me without me asking, what a southern gentleman. I nod my thanks at him and place the saddle on his back.

“Thank you for volunteering,” Tommy smiles at me as he hands Joel a rifle and a revolver.

“We’re going to go make out over the bodies of our enemies. You know, the thing you told me no one would be into? Well, aren’t your cheeks red!” I tilt my head and smile at Joel as I tighten Chase’s cinch.

“Sure,” Tommy chuckles.

“Fiiiiine, if you’re going to keep bothering us, we’re going out to get Chinese food. Do you want some spring rolls?” Clearly, Tommy doesn't know I am the definition of doing too much. 

“Rifle?” Tommy asks me, immune to my bullshit.

“Oh my god, twist my arm! Fine, we are going to join the Fireflies, should I sign you up for a vaccine?”

Tommy ignores me and just continues to try and hand me a rifle.

“No, I want a bow and a 9mm.”

“Do you want fries with that?” Tommy raises an eyebrow.

“I’m finally growing on you!”

I pull on Chase’s bridle and lead him out of the barn doors as I wait for Tommy to bring me what I asked for. Joel gets his horse and follows me out. We both mount up in front of the gate and wait for Tommy. No one else is waiting with us, they must have already left while Joel came to get me.

“Go easy on him, okay?” Tommy whispers to me quietly, passing me the bow and putting the 9mm into my saddle bag. He also adds some provisions so we can eat along the way.

“I can’t believe you would say that! I am so sweet to everyone!” I feign ignorance.

“Yeah, but your version of ‘sweetness’ puts people into a diabetic coma.”

I smile smugly as I wait for Joel to mount up. Tommy tells us to take the East Creek Trail and loop around through the market. We nod and push our horses closer to the gate as they start to open it.

It really is a nice day, there is a light breeze that feels nice in the early morning sun. I squeeze Chase with my heels to encourage him to go faster, he obliges right away and picks up speed.

“Hey,” Joel grunts from behind me, “haven’t been on this route yet, slow down.”

But rather than slow down, I sped up, laughing when I hear him mumble a “damnit” under his breath as he matches my speed.

“Have a hard time saying no to me?” I smile at him as he rides up next to me.

“Patrols aren’t something you speed through,” he scolds me, “can’t you take this seriously?”

“Do I need to surgically remove that stick up your ass?” I groan, “Come on, nothing ever gets this close to the wall, let’s race to the trail, it’s just up ahead, you can’t miss it.”

I click my tongue at Chase and he breaks into a gallop, leaving Joel behind. I can hear him shout my name, but it feels too nice to be outside the walls, and I’m not about to waste it.

Joel relents and allows his horse to speed up to catch up to me. We gallop until we reach the entrance to the trail, and I sit back and deep in my saddle, murmuring “easy” to Chase to slow him down.

We slow to a walk, Chase and I lead the way as we keep our eyes peeled for any movement, “surprised you came without a fight.” Joel is the first one to break the silence.

“Living in the uncanny valley with all those bobble-heads smiling, happy to be alive, just pisses me off. They’re exhausting sometimes. You’ll realize that in time.”

Joel raises an eyebrow at me, “Look, it’s a great place to be in, you and Ellie will be fine here. I’m just an old bitter bitch.”

Joel doesn’t respond, we fall back into a peaceful silence. The only sounds is the gentle breeze brushing against the leaves of trees and the occasional bird. We come across the creek and the gently babbling of the water adds to the almost tranquil scenery.

Joel’s presence continues to be oddly comforting, which I still don’t understand. I want to ask him about Tess, but that will only bring up more talk about Boston. I can’t afford to slip into the past, there’s a reason I avoid talking about it, even with Jane. But, at the same time, maybe talking about it will help with my dreams.

We reach our first checkpoint, an old office building. “Come on,” I jump off Chase and loop his reins around a nearby branch.

Joel grunts in response as he hops off and does the same. We circle around the outside of the building, keeping our hands on our weapons in case we see anyone or anything out of place.

When we are satisfied that the outside is clear, we head inside to sign the check-in book, “You check the upper floors, I’ll sign us in.” I say, pointing toward the stairs for Joel to head up, “I’ll check the first floor.”

Joel nods and I can hear his heavy boots make their way up the stairs. The smell of wet wood is strong in here, all the windows are broken, the morning dew clinging to the old desks.

I head over to the check in book and sign Joel and I in, noting that we didn’t see any infected in the area. If there were infected in here, they would have heard us by now and would have made their presence known. And I’m not expecting to see many non-infected people this close to Jackson without us seeing them somewhere farther away first.

I do a more thorough sweep of the downstairs as I wait for Joel’s footsteps to come back. Knew he was going to be more thorough than I am. I’m sure he is looking under all the desks and around every nook and cranny. Bet he even looks out the windows for good measure, in case infected have also evolved into spider-like monstrosities, that after growing into the walls, it acts like a web that lures other infected in and then they all merge together and create a giant arachnid-

“What are you doing?” Joel interrupts my wild thoughts.

“Daydreaming…” I watch too many movies, “ready?”

“Yeah.”

We silently get back on our horses and continue along the route. We maintain our oddly comfortable silence for about another half an hour before Joel breaks the silence again.

“Interestin’ fightin’ style by the way,” he comments, “learn that in Boston?”

“You can’t take a hint, can you?’

“I just choose to ignore it.”

“Yeah, apparently,” I sigh. This back and forth is getting irksome. Whatever, may as well bite the bullet, “how do you know me?”

“… You really don’t remember, huh?”

“Don’t take it personally, everyone just started to look the same to me after a while. How do you know me?” I ask him again, since he is clearly waiting for me to have some kind of epiphany.

“I’ve just…” He pauses, struggling with something he doesn’t know if he wants to tell me or not, “I’ve seen you before.” He watches me carefully, trying to see if I’m giving something away in my body language. But, I don’t know what I don’t know, he’s not going to get whatever reaction he was expecting from me.

Why is he holding back? He’s the one who wanted this conversation. I decide to press forward.

“Did you know a woman named Tess from the Boston QZ? She was a smuggler.” I counter.

I didn’t have to be looking at him to know that he suddenly tensed up. I can feel it in the air, a shift, “I’ll take that as a yes.”

“How did you know Tess?” He asks as he eyes me suspiciously.

“I ran into her having a ‘disagreement’ with some rival smugglers. They stabbed her a couple of times, but I guess they didn’t realize they shouldn’t have been fucking with her. I took her to my place to fix her up.”

Joel takes my words in silently, pausing for a while before he responds, “The night that one deal went down and Donovan got involved. She was pretty messed up. I wondered who fixed her up, she wouldn’t tell me. That was you?”

It seemed like he was speaking more to himself than to me, like he was trying to flip through a file of memories, trying to figure out which horrible deal was the one I was referring to.

I just nod and look over at him as he gets his horse to speed up a little so he could walk in step beside me, “Yeah, I didn’t have to ask her not to talk about me, she just understood.”

“Yeah,” Joel mumbles, “she was a good friend and smuggling partner.”

“So, she is dead.” I finally got the confirmation I had been wanting. I mean, I guessed she had died, but now I know for sure. It still made me feel sad, not like we were close or anything. I only saw her occasionally. We did help save each other though, so there is some emotion there. 

“She really loved you in her own way, you know? As much as someone like Tess can feel those types of feelings.”

“Weren’t like that,” Joel responds gruffly.

“Oh, I know. Tess told me how much she thought your relationship would grow past friends, with her old pal, Texas,” I winked at him, “but you wanted to stay platonic partners, that’s boring.”

“That shit ain’t for a world like this.”

Maybe he was afraid of getting someone pregnant, or the thought of being so close to another person and the thought of losing them was too much to bear after his daughter. I know a lot of people were like that in Boston, pulling out isn’t exactly fool-proof and condemns aren't exactly easy to come by in this post-modern world. But, it’s not really my business at the end of the day.

Tess never appeared to be someone who opens up the way she did to me. Maybe because she had to act the part in front of other smugglers, feelings are for old-world brats who worried about that kind of thing.

Maybe it’s that whole doctor thing, when you’re trying to have a normal conversation with someone, and then all of a sudden they start pulling off their shirts to show you a suspicious mole they discovered on their backs.

Never claimed to be a therapist, matter of fact, I would make an awful one. But perhaps Tess just needed someone to talk to who wasn’t some other smuggler she was affiliated with. It’s easier to talk to me about how she’s feeling than the man who doesn’t want anything other than friendship, no foolishness. 

“Tess actually helped Jane and I escape the Boston QZ.” I add.

“Glad she was able to help you.”

I pause, that sounded so oddly genuine… Weird, “Aren’t…. Aren’t you an asshole? Why do you say such things? You want to fight, or something?”

“Why are you tryin’ to piss me off?”

“Why are you trying to piss ME off?! ‘Glad she was able to help you.’” I try to mimic his southern drawl, “What’s that supposed to mean?!”

“I don’t know why I talk to you,” Joel tries to hide the fact that he is smiling ever so slightly. But I can see it, the knowledge sends a warm sensation through my chest, making it tight.

“Did she die helping you and Ellie?” I bring the conversation back to Tess.

“Got bit while we were tryin’ to get her out of the city,” Joel nods, “she took down some soldiers so me and Ellie could escape.”

“She really was amazing,” I can picture her taking down at least 10 soldiers before they could even close in on her.

Another period of silence settles between us again. Not in an awkward way, like we are just having a moment of silence for Tess.

Another half hour later, I break the silence this time, “keep your eyes peeled, it’s not uncommon to see infected close to the market, sometimes we get squatters here that attract them.”

Joel nods as we continue on. I thought we were going to fall back into silence, but he speaks up again, “So, you worked with FEDRA?” His tone made it sound like a question, but he already knows the answer.

“That’s one way of putting it,” I mutter darkly.

He hesitated when he heard the venom in my voice, but that wasn’t going to deter him from probing. And to be fair, it probably wouldn’t have deterred me either.

“How would you put it?”

I bite on my lower lip, “Most people called us their pets. I’m sure you’ve heard the term. My father sold me to them when I was 12. Not long after that, he died because of the drugs he traded me for. Karma rules.”

I see Joel’s jaw clench and his hands grip the reins tighter. I heard something about him having a daughter and her dying pretty early into the outbreak. I’m sure he can’t fathom the actions of my own father.

“My father was a doctor in Boston before the outbreak. He was an invaluable asset for FEDRA in the early days of the outbreak. Everyone reacts to the world ending differently, my father didn’t adapt well. Since I was fresh out of the womb, I wanted to be like my father. I wanted his knowledge, I wanted to help people. I saved a FEDRA soldier once when I was 10, after they were attacked by a gang. They took an interest in me when I got older, knowing who my father was, or more accurately, who he used to be.”

I can feel Chase shake his head. I didn’t realize my hands were tightening up as I spoke, putting more pressure on the reins than I intended. I loosen my grip and pat his neck as an apology.

“Since FEDRA was recruiting young women at the time, my father said they could have me if it meant he got first dibs on any drugs they confiscated from smugglers or civilians, as well as alcohol. Also, in exchange for his medical expertise. Early in the outbreak, FEDRA did play with the idea of there being a cure. They wanted people like my father, his knowledge. They wanted him to teach me, as I had a natural talent for absorbing medical knowledge, what with having rose coloured glasses about my father since I was a toddler. But when those soldiers started dying, those ideologies were snuffed out.”

“They decided I was attractive enough to manipulate people, and they weren’t wrong. It was pretty easy, actually. Secrets to me became far more valuable than drugs and weapons. More valuable than ration cards, and more than my humanity…” I pause as memories come flooding to the forefront of my mind.

“It wasn’t always like that, though. At the beginning, they really did try. Until they realized they liked being in control more than they wanted to make a better world. It wasn’t just me either, of course, I’m just one out of dozens of others like me, lots of girls and boys like me were being trained young. Practically lived in the Boston Hospital. Many old-world doctors rose to the occasion; most didn’t. Not used to seeing death on this massive a scale with no hope.”

“We were raised in this shitty world and had to pick up the pieces. Got even worse when the Fireflies started forming. Bringing hope to a world where there just isn’t any. Pissed me off that they took some good doctors and convinced them they could do the impossible…”

Joel seems to take pity on me and doesn’t prompt me to finish, “Explains why you’re not really a fan of the Fireflies.”

“… That’s not the reason…” I fall silent again, thinking about my brother.

I take a break from talking to scan the area. We haven’t come across anything yet. Too bad, I could really shoot something in the face right now with the mood this conversation is putting me in.

“What kept you alive?” Joel asks me quietly.

“Hubris,” I say as we close in on our next checkpoint, one of the houses in a small subdivision on the outskirts of the market.

“You remember a man by the name of Major Banks?” I ask Joel as I hop off Chase, looping his reins over another branch.

“Yeah,” he grunted as he dismounted, “had a few run-ins with him.”

“He was the reason I didn’t get forced into ‘servicing’ the soldiers. Most others weren’t so lucky. He liked me too much; I was his favourite. I let him think he had me under his thumb. Men can be stupid like that, you know?”

“Why’d he like you so much? I haven’t known you for that long, and I already can’t wait to sell you out to someone to get rid of you.”

“I know, right?!” I laugh, “Don’t worry, I grow on you!”

“Like the cordyceps fungus?”

“The very same!” I grin and shake my head, “he liked my voice.”

“You sing? Just when I thought you couldn’t get more annoying.”

“Well, lucky for you, I don’t anymore.”

“Why? Don’t think I’d mind hearin' it one day.”

“I just… I just don’t,” I’m getting uncomfortable now. I used to love singing; it brought me comfort in the past. But now, I just associate it with Banks and Boston in general.

Joel seems to get it and doesn’t press further, “But he did turn on you eventually?”

“Yeah, I got cocky,” I admit, “after my father died, FEDRA took possession of his things. His textbooks, his notes, information he knew about the cordyceps fungus. Banks would agree to return my father’s texts and notes in exchange for my cooperation. I helped him climb the ladder until he was one of the main powerful soldiers in the Boston QZ.”

“I… I gave my father’s texts and notes to the Fireflies. You’re not the only one who has a naïve brother who joined the Fireflies. I’d do anything for him, even if it meant putting my safety at risk…”

I don’t know why I’m telling Joel about Ben, to be honest. I don’t talk about him to anyone except Jane. Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to think about him too much. My anxiety from not hearing from him in months is high, and I just can’t handle other people’s opinions. False hope doesn’t help. I know they are just trying to comfort me. But that doesn’t work on me, I’m too realistic.

I decide to steer the conversation further from Ben, “To this day, I still don’t really understand why Banks did what he did for me. It’s not like he was in love with me or owed anything to me. I wasn’t family, I wasn’t anyone to him originally. He just got off on possessing me, felt like he could make me do whatever he wanted, and that was just enough for him.”

We circle around another house looking for any infected or non-infected. I see Joel watching me out of the corner of my eye. He seemed concerned about me, I hate that.

“He wasn’t all bad…” I shrug, “Sometimes he would invite me over just to play chess or maybe watch a movie… Maybe that’s why I stuck around for as long as I did. No relationship has no good times; that’s what gives you an excuse to go through the bad times, even when the bad drastically outweighs the good. But, isn’t that what they all say in relationships such as these? Pretty pathetic, huh?”

“You were a kid, not your fault. Adults were supposed to take care of you, not take advantage of you.”

“Just the world we live in, right? Can’t turn back time, Mr. Miller."

I sense his hand reaching out to me, as if he were trying to offer some comfort, but I shy away from his outstretched hand. What is happening with him? This is not the Joel Miller I expected, not from some of the things Tommy has told me. What is it about him that is making me open up like this? It’s making me uncomfortable, something I just don’t understand.

We finish walking around the area and check in at one of the houses. We grab our horses and set off again, “So?” Joel gets my attention when we start rising in silence again.

“So….?” I raise a suspicious eyebrow at him.

“Where is your brother now?” Joel’s voice is soft, like he’s afraid to know the answer.

“California,” I answer, “they have an outpost on Catalina Island off the coast of Santa Monica. They have been battling against a group there for a while, trying to reclaim some land.”

Joel’s tense shoulders seem to relax a little bit, “When you realized you couldn’t stay in Boston, that's why you left for Denver?”

“Mhmm.”

“How did you end up in Jackson?”

“Why are you making me talk so much? You don’t get everything all at once. So greedy.”

I don’t want to go into more detail, I’ve explained the gist of everything, he doesn’t need to know the intricate details, details I’m honestly afraid to recall. No, he doesn’t get to know my life story, he barely knows me. I’m not asking him questions about what he did in Boston, why does he care so much?

“… Do you want to ask me questions?” He asks me as if he could hear my inner thoughts.

“No, I’m good.” I don't want to know... No, I don't need to know. I want to keep my distance.... I need to keep my distance. Fuck, hearing his stories is only going to make me feel things I don't want to feel. 

After we finish circling around the subdivision, we go into the house with the check-in book and head back to the horses.

“Next checkpoint is the market,” I let Joel know, “it’s not uncommon to see infected, so we should be more careful.”

I was tired of answering personal questions. For someone like Joel, who seems to be very private, he sure doesn’t like respecting my privacy… To be fair, I suppose I don’t have to answer. I guess I just feel like i can trust him, maybe it's because of the secret I am holding for him about Ellie's immunity. I don't open up to anyone, apart from Jane and Ben, but it feels kind of nice to talk to someone else too. 

I can feel Joel’s eyes on me as I ride in front of him. He does know I have excellent senses, right? I do notice him looking at me, I can’t figure out if it’s because he’s suspicious of me still, if he’s trying to figure me out, or maybe he’s just an ass man, who knows?

“Who taught you how to fight?” He asks me.

His face flashes in my mind. I look back on him much more fondly than my parents, but at least they did right by befriending that man.

“A friend of my parents,” I answer, “he used to be a boxer. He lost his sight when he was in his 20s and spent a long time refining his other senses; he didn’t want to give up boxing.” I smile when I think about him. I remember him contemplating joining the Fireflies, but he died before he got the chance.

He taught me the best he could, but I’m only half the fighter he was, and that’s being generous. Another part of me I allowed FEDRA to exploit when they felt like it. Didn't matter to me, as long as it kept my brother and Jane safe. 

“I know you’re probably busy, but would you mind giving Ellie some pointers? I know eventually she’s gonna want to be out on patrols and all that. I want her to be prepared for anything.”

“Of course,” I look over my shoulder at him, my face softening again, “I like Ellie, she’s a great kid.”

“Yeah, she is.”

We fall into silence again as we close in on the market. Everything is still pretty quiet, but we can’t drop our guard now. I led Joel to the spot we usually leave the horses at. We grab our weapons and make our way toward the market area.

There’s not much here anymore, the market just has a grocery store, a pharmacy and some clothing stores. I suggest we split up, and he is hesitant at first.

“Are you afraid to go by yourself? Need me to hold your hand? Want me to check under your bed for monsters too tonight?”

“Fine,” He sighs, “I’ll take the grocery store, you check the other shops.”

I nod in agreement and head to the right, where the rest of the shops are. As I expected, there is not much going on; there are a few runners I’m able to take out quietly and easily, thanks to my bow.

I double check behind the counters in case any of us have forgotten to look. Happens more often than one may think. The other shops are deserted, not a soul on site.

Satisfied that there is no one else out here with us, I head back to the grocery store. But, instead of just heading through the front door or a window, I decide to skirt around the back, where I know there are some old transport trucks whose trailers I can get up onto the roof easily enough.

I sneak my way to the front of the grocery store, trying to make my feet as light as possible, trying to sneak up on Joel. I crawl to the edge of the roof so I can see when he comes out. I don’t have to wait long, I didn’t hear his gun go off, if there was anything in there, he must have a knife on him or something… Or choke them out, I suppose.

I wait for him to be right on the outside of the roof, he looks from his left to his right, probably looking for me. I jump down from the roof, bending my knees to absorb some of the shock. I’m able to land lightly on my feet. Joel hasn’t even noticed me yet.

“Gah!” I scream as I dive at him, wrapping my arms around his neck, pressing against his back, “Give me your ration cards, you stupid son of a bitch! Die! Die! Die! Die! Die!"

Joel barely even flinches, “take it everythin’ went well.” He continues to walk to the horses, me still hanging comically from his neck, me just becoming his backpack, “Ellie acts older than you.” He grumbles.

“I’m Batman,” I say in a deep raspy voice.

“This how you win fights, huh? Annoy your opponents until they let you win?”

“Ellie is already halfway there with her jokes; I barely have to teach her anything.”

Joel chuckles as he reaches up to grab my arms to unwrap them from around his neck. But as a reflex, I jerk my hands back and let go of him completely.

He gives me a weird look, to be fair, my demeanour did shift quite abruptly. It’s just, that’s how my body reacts whenever anyone tries to touch me. Come on, what did I expect? I literally jumped on him; he had reacted naturally. One day I’ll calm down… I’m sure.

Doesn’t bother me when their touch involves landing a punch. It’s when someone tries to reach out in a way that doesn’t involve blocking or a defensive stance. It’s the more gentle movements and intentions that have me cringing and recoiling. Because to me, it can't be trusted. 

I don’t know why I still react this way, I’m not in Boston anymore, it’s okay.

“Did you want to stop to eat soon?” I clear my throat and walk over to Chase.

Joel seems to accept this weird behaviour as just part of my baseline, “Whatever you wanna do."

We ride on to the next checkpoint, silently again. Seemingly consumed with our own thoughts. I could get used to going on patrols with Joel. Some of the silences are the best part; it seems to be something we both need. Either people are hitting on me, they're too nervouse to speak with me, which makes me feel awkward. Or, they have endless medical questions, and think they can annoy answers out of me. 

“I’ll go with you,” Joel says to me suddenly.

I turn in my saddle to look at him, “huh?”

“On the Boise Hospital mission you are obsessed with. Tommy and Maria would be more willing to let you go if you went with me.”

“Why would you do that?” I tilt my head at him, confused as to why he would bother with me.

“You’re plannin’ on makin’ a run for it. That’s why Tommy and Maria don’t want you to go.”

“They aren’t letting me stay in Jackson out of the goodness of their hearts. They need doctors; they don’t want to let me go, because they know my intentions. You go out there with me, you will be going back to Jackson alone.”

“We’ll see about that. I got a feelin’ you ain't goin’ anywhere.” He looks at me seriously.

“Feel like you can stop me from running, old man?”

“Ya.”

Why does he even care? My bedside manner leaves something to be desired, I’m far from the most qualified doctor to be there. They think they need me, but they don’t. It just feels like people are trying to control me again. I don’t like it. It doesn't matter if it is in a more preferable and seemingly harmless way than with FEDRA, but it brings up the same emotions. 

I am intrigued by his offer, though, and who am I to pass up a good deal? Let him try to stop me. I smirk at him, I do love a challenge, “Deal.”  

Chapter Text

 I can hear her whimper weakly as I try to be as gentle as possible, but there is no way to move her without causing her a lot of pain. Her body is broken, I have to do this… Why am I even doing this?

I shift her weight in my arms so I can open the door, I kick it closed behind me and use one of my hands to clear off some old bottles on my table. Not exactly sterile, but better than nothing.

I gather what few medical supplies I have around the apartment and set it down on the table. Trying to look around to see if I have some towels I can use or something.

“W-wait…” She croaks, barely above a whisper, “stop…”

“If I stop you’re goin’ to go into shock and die.” I grunt at her.

“Just let me die…” She rasps, whispers from a broken girl in more ways than one, clearly. Ain’t we all?

“Leave me outside,” She continues as I ignore her pleas, “if you don’t…. They’ll… He’ll…”

I continue to ignore her and start trying to note all her injuries, trying to figure out what the best way to tackle them is. Should probably stop the bleeding before dealing with the broken arm. And whatever the hell else is going on with her body, injuries I can't even see yet. 

“They’ll find you,” she tries to speak louder to get my attention again, I… I don’t want anymore blood….”

She passes out finally. Good, it will make this easier. Who was she on about? Stupid girl, I finally try to help someone and they’re trying to protect me from someone? The fuck kind of logic is that?

Suddenly there is a crashing sound as someone kicks in my door. I go to reach for my knife, but someone shoots and I pause as a bullet ricochets off the counter, centimeters from my hand.

I glare at the door and see 6 FEDRA assholes storm into my apartment, all of them pointing their guns at me. Who the fuck is this girl?

Then another one comes in, this one I do recognize. He has that stupid smirk on his face, bald as a bowling ball except for the black and grey beard. His grey eyes move from me to the girl unconscious on the table.

“Come on, Miller,” Banks’ smirk never leaves his face, motioning for his fellow FEDRA dickheads to keep their guns on me, “hand over the girl, she’s not yours to take, or save.”

“She ain’t yours to kill or steal.”

“Actually, she is. She belongs to me, and she’s been a bad bad girl.”

I look over my shoulder at the girl. Her breathing is getting more shallow, blood pooling on my table. Shit, she is royally fucked if Banks has control over her life. 

Nothing I can do, there’s literal guns to my head. Why do I care? I’ve seen plenty of young people dying… Even participated in the hurt. But, for some reason, this fucking girl has gotten to me.

All I can do is stand back as they lift her roughly off the table, making her make an awful gasp from their harsh treatment of her. I don’t have any control over what happens to her. She’s probably as good as dead, that’s just the way it is, ain’t nothing I can do about it.

They leave my apartment and I close the door behind them, trying to forget about the broken girl as I try to clean her blood off my table.

……

I wake up as the sun is just starting to creep up into the sky. It’s only been a couple weeks since my first patrol with her. I learned a lot about her, much of which I had guessed, but I now have a better picture of the woman who was formerly known as the broken, unconscious girl on my table.

She’s not as heartless as she makes herself out to be. Even when she was teetering on death, she tried to warn me about FEDRA coming to find her. Like she was punishing herself for asking for help in the alley in the first place.

I yawn loudly as I force myself to get out of bed and shower, thinking about her… Again. After a long night of dreaming about her…. Again. I know no more about my attraction toward her as I did when I first got here. She is right here, lives close by, I see her almost every day out and about. I still don’t feel any closer to understanding any of it.

All I know is that I’m acting selfishly, I’m not letting her go off on her own. I promised myself I would be less impulsive after Salt Lake, but something about her just brings this possessiveness out of me that I can’t define. But, if she wants to act selfishly, I can too.

Tommy was suspicious when I told him I would go with her to Boise. He doesn’t want her going period, no matter who it’s with. But, I think he also gets he can’t confine her here, she is the only doctor that is actually very willing to leave the safety of the walls to venture out and look for more medical supplies.

Hospitals closest to Jackson have already been looted for all their worth. The next big hospital that may have more medical supplies is the one in Boise. There are rumors that Boise is pretty well deserted now. There has been fighting between groups there for over a decade. We’ve picked up some stragglers by the wall who have been out that way.

Jackson has sent out long patrols for medical supplies before. To the North, East and South and now they are heading west. The destination is Boise, but we will be stopping at other smaller hospitals and clinics along the way to see what we can find. It’s interesting the amount of medical stuff that gets left behind when people are more preoccupied with food and weapons.

Originally, I believed if I learned more about her, spent more time with her, maybe my intrigue would subside. But, if anything, it’s worse. Now I look for her wherever I go in Jackson, just to catch a glimpse of her. It’s pathetic, like a fucking teenager with a crush. 

Something inside me ignites when she smiles. The smile that never reaches her eyes when she is here in Jackson, the one she gave me and Tommy when we first met.

After we went on patrol together that one time, when she sees me in public now, her smile seems a bit more genuine. I certain glimmer in her eye that isn’t cold and bored. Something almost daring and teasing. Not quite the smile she makes when she is around her best friend, Jane, but it’s a step in the right direction. I’ll get that genuine smile out of her though, I swear I will.

I was real nervous when she told me her brother was a Firefly. At least he is all the way in California, so it’s not likely I ran into him. Don’t know what I would say if things were different. She knows something happened with the Fireflies, maybe that I killed a few of them to get Ellie out of there. But she doesn’t know the full story; Tommy is the only one who knows. Think it’s best for me to keep it that way.

After I’m finished getting ready and pack some clothes, I realized I was so distracted with my thoughts, I didn’t hear there was an extra voice downstairs with Ellie. I tense up immediately and my heart races when I recognize her voice right away.

“One of the things that’s important for me to do before a fight, is think the person in front of me is going to kill me. I always go into any fight thinking I’ll die, no matter who I am up against, It makes me go harder. My opponents in Jackson, they fight like they want to beat me, not like they want to kill me. I learned to fight for my life, no matter who I am up against. Never go in overconfident.”

“What if you go up against someone like Jane? Someone who clearly can’t kill anyone?” Ellie asks her.

“Even if you’re against someone like Jane,” she laughs, “you never know what people are capable of, Ellie. Never underestimate anyone, even Jane.”

“You’re in my house,” I cross my arms over my chest as I watch her leaning against the counter in my kitchen. Trying very hard not to stare at the way her back aches and her ass sticks out.

“And you, Mr. Miller, have to understand that you’re at the age where there is a distinct difference between ‘falling’ and ‘having a fall.’ Don’t go downstairs that fast, Mr. Miller, you’re going to get hurt.”

“When someone pushes, you always have to skip past shove and go right to ram 'em off a cliff?”

“It’s my defence mechanism, and ummm, have you met me? Yes! Obviously!”

“Aren’t healthcare workers supposed to be caring and sympathetic toward their patients?”

“You have a problem? Go file a complaint with my union.”

“I’ll write a negative Yelp review.” I tease her.

“Wow, you’re like, old old.”

“This is going to be a long mission.” I mutter.

“You 2 get along so well,” Ellie giggles as she eats her breakfast, “it took me a while to get him to joke with me, you’ve done it in record time!”

“Come on, you love hanging out with me,” She smiles at me as she reaches into her back back, “I made you breakfast.”

She hands me something rolled up tightly in some kind of paper, it was warm to the touch. I look at it suspiciously, half expecting it to blow up when I start opening it, “Don’t worry, it’s not poisonous, I brought one for Ellie too and she’s fine… So far.”

“It’s really good,” Ellie comments through mouthfuls.

“What is it?” I ask her as I open and inspect it.

“Breakfast wrap, eggs, bacon, potato, cheese, some seasoning,” she lists off the ingredients as she straightens herself up and heads toward the door, “and just a tiiiiny dash of arsenic.”

“Funny,” I grunt at her as I take a bite out of it. Gives me the same feelings as her chicken did, she really is a good cook. Can’t tell her that though, she’ll become even more annoying.

“Bye, Ellie!” She waves at her as she heads for the door, “I’ll be waiting outside, say your goodbyes!”

She is way too excited for this, I can imagine why. Ellie follows me to the door so I can start pulling my boots on, “Tommy and Maria will be checking in on you,” I remind her, “You can have a couple friends over to watch movies, but no parties, please. Head to the mess hall for meals, I am not convinced that you will not burn down the house if you try and cook. I’d feel more comfortable if you would sleep in the house while I’m gone, but I know how much you love staying in the shed.”

“I know, Joel.”

“If you need anything just go to Tommy and Maria’s, they’ll help you with whatever you need. I’m trusting you here.”

“I won’t let you down, Joel.” She reassures me.

“I know you won’t,” I ruffle her hair a bit, “when I get back, I have something planned for your birthday, okay?”

“Really?!” Ellie raises her eyebrows, as if she was surprised I remembered her birthday, “What is it?!”

“A surprise, obviously,” I squeeze her shoulder as I open the door, “take care, kiddo. See you soon.”

“Bye, Joel!”

As I step outside the door Ellie calls out her name, thanking her for breakfast. She waves back with a smile, saying a quick goodbye to her again. 

I eat along the way as she leads the way to the stables to get the rest of our supplies and get out horses. As we make our way through town we politely nod at people that greet us along the way. Although, there was one person I was not excited to see walk right up to her, what made it worse is she didn’t seem to mind.

She turned her head when he called her name and greeted him politely, “Mr. Moore,” she nods at him, “a gentleman caller come to see me off?”

He laughs as he runs his fingers through his wavy brown hair, as if he was nervous that she was actually greeting him back, “just make sure you make it back, alright? You told me we could have a drink together, I haven’t forgotten.”

My hands clench into fists as I roll up the paper that once held my breakfast and throw it into a nearby garbage can, secretly wishing it was Cedric’s face I was smashing into a little ball and throwing away.

“Was I drinking at the time? This is awkward, I always make promises I can’t keep when I’m drunk. I wouldn’t hold your breath.”

“So cruel!” He gasps dramatically, “you would think a drink and calling me by my first name would be the easiest thing we could do, considering we-“

She elbows him hard in the side, cutting his sentence off, leaving it hanging there. Leaving me to wonder what the fuck that was supposed to mean.

“So nice speaking to you, Mr. Moore,” she said politely enough, but the look she gave him was suspicious.

She picks up her pace and I match it, glaring at Cedric as we pass him, doubled over, clutching his side. I have to stop myself from asking what that was all about. I have to keep reminding myself it is none of my business. I don’t have the right to pry into her personal life… Doesn’t mean it’s easy to do.

She looks at me as I walk in step beside her, “Ellie took care of you for weeks outside while you were incapacitated, right? She’ll be fine.”

Not even close to what I’m thinking about right now. I know Ellie is safe here. She’s a good kid, obeys the rules and does her part.

Tommy is already at the stables when we arrive, waiting to give her a final warning before we leave, I expect.

“Already got the horses ready for you 2,” he nods at both of us, “I got the maps here too, so listen up, this is the best route to take.”

But, I’m barely paying attention to what he has to say. I was looking at maps last night and I’m already well aware of what route is the best. Looking for areas she may try to escape from. I just watch her as she keeps herself quiet and listens to Tommy.

Don’t know if she knows she does it or not, when she is listening intently to someone, she tilts her head and bites gently on her lower lip. Is that just how she concentrates? I’ve seen her make that face, she has made it to me when she was listening intently. It’s somehow endearing in a way… In an annoying sort of way where it takes up too much room in my mind.

“Joel?” Tommy gets my attention, “you good?”

“Course,” I grunt, “ready?” I look at her.

“Let’s make like a baby and head out!” She says excitedly, taking her horse’s reins from the stable hand. Large saddle bags and extra bags stored on the saddle for supplies we may pick up along the route.

“Keep an eye on her, will you?” Tommy whispers to me as he hands me my horse, walking with me to the exit, “she’s sneaky, so be vigilant.”

“Don’t worry, she’s not going anywhere,” He doesn’t have to worry about that, unfortunately, when I’m around her, I can’t seem to take my eyes off of her.

___________________________________________________________________________

Over an hour into the trip and the ride has been smooth so far. As you continue north you point things out to Joel here and there. He is content as long as you’re not trying to make a run for it. Yet.

“If you go left from here there is a wildlife art museum, you and Ellie may want to check it out.” You point off the trail to your left to a building a fair distance away.

“Actually, Maria told me about the Wyoming Museum of Science and History,” Joel replies, “I’m takin’ Ellie there for her birthday when we get back. Got some stuff planned for her.”

You turn around in your saddle to face Joel fully, “Awwww! Mr. Miller! That hits me right in my daddy issues! That’s so sweet!”

Joel glares at you, he can’t figure out if you’re making fun of him or genuinely surprised by the effort he has put in to make Ellie’s birthday special. It’s hard to tell with you.

“I’m serious!” You laugh when you see the suspicion on his face, “There aren’t a lot of men who would go that hard for a birthday.”

You turn back around to keep your eyes on the road ahead, missing the small smile on Joel’s face, knowing he’s impressed you. It may not have even registered as a smile to you anyway, like his face is still not used to it.

“This trail lines up with one of the other patrol routes,” you explain to Joel, “so, we’ll have to stop at a couple of checkpoints as we continue north.”

Joel grunts in response and enjoys the scenery along the way. The weather is cooler thanks to a couple days of rain, which for this stretch of trail where there are not many trees to protect you from the sun.

Joel nudges his horse faster so he can ride next to you. It turns out to be a bad idea though, now his thoughts run wild as he watches you out of the corner of his eye.

He both hated and enjoyed when you were out on patrol together. He feels comfortable with you, like he doesn’t have to hide everything, or at least most things. But, whenever he rode beside you, he couldn’t help but notice the way your hips and thighs cling to the saddle to keep you centered. The way they rocked when you sped up into a canter, or bounced when Chase broke into a trot.

“You never did tell me how you knew there were people out there that are immune,” Joel comments, trying to keep his thoughts out of the gutter.

“No foreplay, huh?” You’re a little taken aback by the abruptness of his question.

“Fine, how did you sleep last night?”

“Alright, I guess.”

“Good, how did you find out there were people who are immune?”

“FEDRA,” you giggle, “I learned from one of the soldiers. They had detained another soldier coming back from patrol who admitted he had gotten bit. He didn't admitted it though until 2 days later. They brought him to me to look him over. I scanned him, it said he was infected, but there were no other signs. The bite on his shoulder looked like it was healing instead of getting worse.”

“They made me monitor him for a couple weeks until they were satisfied that he was not going to turn. They were past the point where they were still playing with the idea of finding some sort of cure. They ended up ‘getting rid’ of the people that were immune, the ones I knew of anyway. They didn’t want the Fireflies to find out. I only know of a couple others for sure other than Ellie.”

“Like, what if there is something in Boston that is different? I mean, think of how people built up immunity to smallpox. By realizing people who were exposed to cowpox, a different strain of the virus, built up a defence against the more deadlier strain, smallpox. What if Ellie or some of those other people developed an immunity because they came into contact with a similar type of fungus and they developed an immunity toward the cordyceps fungus? I mean have the Fireflies ever thought of that? It's a decent theory." 

Joel liked hearing you talk about this. The way your features and tone of voice changed when you were speaking passionately is something he can’t help but stare at. Though it is odd that you speak so passionately about things like this, you claim not to care about the Fireflies’ mission. 

“If anything, the Fireflies need to use people who are immune to develop tests that can tell if people are immune and not know it. Not just cut into their brains. Then study those people while they are alive, do interviews, build case files, find common threads, are they from similar areas? What’s the plant/fungal life? Are there new species? Does climate matter?”

“Sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.” Joel comments when you pause to get off your horse to do a sweep of the area.

“I had to,” you shrug, “I really wanted to believe in the Firefles. I wanted to believe for my brother. But no matter how many excuses I made for them, it always comes back to the same thing. They are in way over their heads and that’s dangerous. The more failures they have, the more desperate and reckless they become, the more shortcuts they make, the more mistakes they make.”

“Then there’s FEDRA assholes who hide the fact that there are immune people, and get rid of people who witnessed it. Because their goals are to keep everything the same. Then there are the Fireflies who want to bring the world back to some sort of normalcy. But, who cares?! It doesn’t matter, fact of the matter is there is no where enough people that can cooperate together to make that fever dream come true. You can say I’m cynical because my earliest memories are of this world. But some of the people who grew up in the old world are deluded if they think things will just be better if they find a cure.”

You stop yourself from ranting and bring yourself back to the present, “wanna look over there and I’ll cover this area?”

Joel nods and heads to the left as you go right. You circle around the abandoned buildings, looking for any infected, but the area seems to be quiet, if they didn’t hear you ranting, they probably aren’t here.

You sign the check-in book saying everything was clear before you head back to Chase. Joel catches up with you quickly, nodding when he reaches you to indicate things were clear on his end too.

“Alright, let’s head north west a bit early,” you offer as you swing your leg over, “there’s another less travelled trail to get over the mountains.

“Tommy said to continue North until we hit Moose, then go west. We’ll get into trouble in those mountains.”

Joel is already trying to foil your plans. Cutting through the more dense forests on the mountain may make it easier for you to slip away. The harsh terrain makes travelling by horseback harder, and you’re planning on getting away on foot. You’re sure you could outrun Joel in a foot race.

“Going my way will cut some hours off our time,” you try to explain, “get back to Ellie sooner.”

“No, there’s a clinic we will miss and another check-point we need to sign in at before we continue toward Boise.” Joel puts his foot down, not willing to relent even a little bit.

“Whatever! That checkpoint is on other Jackson routes! Someone else can clear it!”

“We are sticking to Tommy’s trail, no excuses.”

“Even if it means we get there and back faster?”

“That’s not going to work on me.” He warns you.

You fall back into silence as you continue along the route Tommy recommended, heading to the next checkpoint. Another small neighbourhood on a hill overlooking the trail. Your mind was racing with ideas of how to escape Joel’s glare.

Maybe your best bet is to just wait until you’re camping out then you can try to sneak away. But something tells you Joel is a light sleeper and he will be on you in an instant the second you open your tent. But you’re not one to be deterred by a challenge, you get inspired. 

You ride Chase up to a small bush where you hang the reins there loosely, allowing him to pick at some grass in the area. Joel does the same and makes sure he has his weapons ready and loaded.

You readjust the knife strapped to your thigh and threw your bow over your shoulder, making sure you have some arrows ready. You holster your 9mm and catch up to Joel.

“I’ll take the left, you take the houses on the right.”

“Fine, Miller,” you pout, “let’s do all the things YOU want to do.”

He smirks at you as you start walking to the right. This area feels different, you feel uneasy. You don’t hear the moans from runners or the clicking from clickers. But your senses feel like they are going into overdrive. Even a slight change in the breeze has you on edge.

You pull an arrow from your back pack and slot it into place, at the ready. To your right is a large house, 3 stories with some of the front missing. You squint up at it to see in to the floors. It’s been awhile since you’ve been on this route, but you remember the house being more or less intact.

Curious you head into the house, anxious to see if there were people in there. You clear the first floor and head up the stairs. The wooden stairs groan loudly as you try your best to step lightly up them. You wonder what has made the building so fragile recently, you note you should probably watch your step.

You grab a few stray pieces of rubble from the floors above and throw it down the hallway, seeing if you can trigger anything to come out. But there is only silence, which makes you even more nervous.

After clearing the second floor you head up to the third, this floor is not as large as the others. You walk to the other end and look out the window. You look to the left where Joel is and you can see three men creeping over toward where he was searching.

“Shit,” you mumble and sprint for the stairs, and then it happens.

There is a metallic sound bouncing off the floor below you, and there is a loud bang and all you can see is the floor underneath you start to give way.

The floor tilts at a dangerous angle, making you slide and tumble to the floor below. Unable to stop your decent or grab onto anything that isn’t also falling, you have no choice but to go along where the floor tilts.

“Fuck,” you mutter as you realize you are heading straight for an already half broken window.

You try to cover your face with one arm as you crash through the window, taking a bunch of broken glass with you. You fall through the second story window and grab onto the window sill of the broken window.

You look down and see 2 men coming out of the house you are still hanging on the outside of, looking to see where you ended up. Before they have a chance to look up you wait for them to be closer to you as they look around the building.

When they are closer underneath where you are, you grab the knife from your thigh and use your feet to launch yourself off the side of the house and land on one of them. Before the other has a chance to react, you stab him in the throat with your knife. His eyes bulge as he starts gagging on his blood as you pull the gun from your holster and shoot the man you landed on.

“That was really rude, guys,” You sigh at them.

The guy with your knife in his throat collapses and you yank the knife out. You wipe the blood off your knife on the man’s clothes of his still twitching body and you rush over to where you saw Joel and where you can also now hear gunshots.

You loop around the houses where you hear all the noises and try to pinpoint where Joel’s gunshots are among the firing. You look through one of the first-floor windows and see Joel ducking behind a desk, taking on 2 of the men you saw through the window earlier.

Where is the third guy, though? He could be dead, you supposed, regardless you sneak through the window and raise your gun. You're trying to keep your back close to the wall so no one can rush up behind you. You notice this house is in pretty bad shape, there is some sharp metal sticking out from the wall. One of them looks to have blood on it.

You don’t have time to dwell on it, you finally see the third man sneak in through another window to the right of Joel, trying to come up behind him with a knife, but you ruin his plans.

Joel barely has time to jerk around when you shoot your gun, burying the bullet in the back of the guy’s head. Joel straightens up and looks over at you, “Thanks,” he breathes a sigh of relief when he sees you.

“Don’t worry about it,” you wave off his thanks as you look through the man’s pockets, finding some extra ammo for your efforts.

“So, find anyone?” Joel asks sarcastically as he deals with the other 2 men.

“Nah, think it was a badger that learned how to craft bombs, nothing special.”

“So I heard,” He nodded, “I was trying to rush over to you when they ambushed me.”

You walk out of the house and scan the other houses together. When you clear the area, Joel signs in the book with notes about the amount of people you found. Now that the excitement has calmed down and the adrenalin subsides, you start to feel the pain.

You lift up your shirt and notice a large chunk of glass from the window has imbedded itself into your left side, under your ribs, “Oh for fucks sake,” You groan as you shrug your backpack off, “Come on, man.”

You hear Joel call your name and run up to you, “The hell?”

“What? You don’t like my new piercing?” You joke as you shrug off your plaid button up and lift your tank top, “why not, what’s one more scar, am I right?”

Joel’s eyes travel from your newest injury to the others in the area. The scar from the bullet hole he had seen that night in Boston and some other scattered scars across your back.

“What do you need from your bag?” He clears his throat, trying very hard to stop staring at your body.

“The stapler,” you grunt, “and the bottle of saline.”

Joel does as you ask, grabbing some gauze as well to help with the bleeding. You breathed a sigh of relief when Tommy got you the surgical stapler like you requested.

“We should head back,” Joel mutters as he observes you getting ready to pull out the shard of glass as he holds onto your supplies.

“It’s fine,” you grunt, “just give me a minute.”

You breathe in sharply as you carefully pull the shard of glass out, your hands trembling from the pain. You focus yourself on one task at a time, paying attention to your breathing and your hands steady, avoiding any further damage as you pull the glass out.

“Souvenir?” You offer Joel the large shard of glass.

“I’m good.”

You smirk and throw it to the ground, you grab the light attached to the front strap of your back pack so you can see better inside the wound. You hold your hand out for the bottle of saline. Joel hands it to you and you spray it in and around the wound, wincing from the pain. You use the flashlight to make sure there are no extra shards of glass behind.

When you are satisfied there are no more shards, you use the gauze to dry the area and reach for the surgical stapler, “Told Tommy this could come in handy, haha, I win.”

You line the stapler up and pull the skin together, with a deep breath you put in the first staple. You bite your lip and grunt with each staple, leaving Joel amazed by how still you were sitting when handling the pain. He figured you were just used to getting hurt. A sad thought, but it is accurate.

After the fifth staple you look over at Joel, “I can’t get a good angle from my position, can you?”

Joel blinks at you, “You want me to do it?”

“No, I was asking the dead body over there, of course I’m talking to you. It’s not that hard, just do it, doesn’t have to be pretty. What are you waiting for me to bleed out? Chop chop.”

“Alright,” he sighs and does his best to follow your trail of staples along the wound.

“I saw that move you pulled,” Joel smirks slightly, “hangin’ out the window like that, landing on that asshole.”

“Yeah, I do my own stunts,” You grunt as you breathe through the pain.

After Joel finishes you grab a big dressing out of your bag and place it over your staples, “Alright, you okay? Hurt at all?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Joel shakes his head, “We should head back to Jackson though, that’s going to get infected.”

“I have antibiotics,” you wave off his concerns, “You and I have been through worse, let’s go.”

Joel sighs reluctantly and hops on his own horse. He watches you closely as you ride slightly ahead of him. He notes how your body acts like nothing happened. Your movements on your horse don’t even seem stiff or uncomfortable, still smooth and controlled like usual. He notes you don’t seem to be bleeding from anywhere else, so he calms down for now.

You don’t have to stop at anymore checkpoints now, you just continue along the trail, enjoying the quiet. You and Joel chat here and there but for the most part you stay quiet, looped into your own thoughts.

About an hour after your last stop, you’re starting to get hungry, “Miller, do you want to stop up ahead? I’m hungry.”

You wait to hear a response from him, but all you hear is silence, “Ooooh, the silent treatment, huh? I’ll have you know I’m very persistent and hard to ignore. Don’t worry, I packed some iron pills for you too, I know how lax you old people can be when it comes to getting enough iron in your diet.”

Still silence, no snort of derision from your usual old-person comment.

“Come on, that’s not even the worst thing I’ve said!”

You turn around to look at Joel, wincing at the staples as you turn your torso around to look at Joel. You stop in your tracks and turn Chase around and line him up next to Joel’s horse.

“Miller,” you shake him as you reach to check his radial pulse. His skin feels cool and he is sweating a lot, his breathing is shallow and he seems to be barely conscious, just enough to keep himself upright.

“Shit,” You curse under your breath at how fast his heart was pumping.

You look him over and move around to look at his back, there was a large blood stain, “Oh fuck,” you curse at yourself for not checking Joel over before moving on. You're so caught up in your own thoughts and thinking about how you were going to get to California, you weren’t even thinking about Joel. He didn’t say anything, he seemed fine. But you can’t allow that to be an excuse, you should have known better and been more vigilant.

“Miller!” You splash some water from your bottle on his face.

“W-what?” He rasped.

“Why didn’t you tell me youre injured?!” You yell at him as you lift his shirt to get a better look.

There was a large slice in his lower back, bleeding a lot. It didn’t look like a stab wound, it looked like something grazed him on that ruined house he was fighting those hunters in. Then you gasped when you remembered that stray sharp piece of metal that had blood on it. He must have been moving along the wall like you were and got scratched. Or one of those guys jumped him when he was in the house and during the struggle, he got cut. 

You go into your saddle bag get some saline, the stapler and some gauze out of the bag. You do what you can to dress it quickly, but he is already on the verge of passing out from the blood loss over the past hour.

He needs blood, you think to yourself. He’s lost too much; he’s been bleeding all this time.

“Miller, we have to go back.” You sigh reluctantly.

“S’nothing’” he grumbles as he starts to double over.

“Come on, don’t make me change my mind.” You groan in frustration, "Don't make it even easier for me to leave you to die."

You hook Chase’s reins around the horn of your saddle and you hop up onto Joel’s horse with him. “What’re you doin’?” Joel stares at you, confused as to why you’re sitting in front of him.

“This way if you pass out I have a better chance of making sure you don’t fall forward off the horse,” You mutter as you turn Joel’s horse around, “hang on, we have to get back. Stay awake.”

You can feel Joel’s hands on your hips, avoiding your fresh wound, he rests his head on your shoulder, breaths still coming out raspy. You can feel a blush form on your face, but you try to ignore it and urge Joel’s horse into a full gallop, Chase galloping after you not far behind.

You’re still cursing yourself under your breath. You stiffen when you feel Joel shift behind you, “Not your fault,” You could feel his breath on your neck.

“Shut up,” you scold him, “just try not to pass out on me, old man.”

___________________________________________________________________________

“How’re you doin’?” Tommy asks me as he sits down next to me. Clearly, someone had informed him that we were back.

“I’m fine,” I dismiss him, “just a scratch.”

I really didn’t even notice I was bleeding, I remember scrapping against something when one of those hunters jumped me, but it was when I was worrying about gunning those assholes down. Then she was injured, and I got busy worrying about her…. I didn’t even feel any pain.

“Yeah, just a scratch that required 2 units of blood to fix.” Tommy mumbles as he looks around and calls out her name to figure out where she was.

“She’s over there,” I nod my head in her direction, “room across the hall.”

I’ve been keeping an eye on her, making sure she’s okay. They finally got her to sit still instead of pacing around worrying about me. It felt kinda good to know she cares. It shouldn’t make me feel some type of way, and I hate that it does.

“What’re you havin’?” I ask her from across the hall.

“Cefazolin,” she taps the smaller IV bag, “2 grams, you?”

“O negative,” I tap my bag, “last round.”

“How many do I have to buy you until you put out?” She jokes, offering me a small smile.

The tension in her shoulders relaxes a bit as she sees there’s colour back in my face and I’m not on the verge of passing out from blood loss anymore.

“And what the hell happened to you?” Tommy groans when he sees her.

I remember most of the trip back, she rode in front of me in the saddle, so I could lean on her. Her lavender scent still lingers as it’s all I could smell at the time. Definitely thought I was going to pass out with her ass so close to my-

“What the fuck?!”

“Oh shit,” I hear her grumble as Dr. Wilson storms into the area.

I’ve met him briefly before, mid to late 40s if I had to guess. Dark brown hair that sticks out in all directions, always looks like he’s rushing to get somewhere.

“Seriously, when are you going to start caring about your life and being more fucking careful?! You’re so fucking selfish in your crusade to do whatever you want, you almost took Joel down with you!”

My fingers clench and I’m about to get up and defend her when Tommy stops me, “They’ve known each other for a long time, they’re basically siblings, let them hash it out. Peter has a right to be mad at her.”

One of the nurses notices my bag of blood is empty and takes a final set of vitals off me as she takes out my IV.

“Ummmm, hi, I was getting supplies and saving lives, what’s more selfless than that? And you don’t even know what happened! We were attacked! How was I supposed to to avoid that?!” She counters.

“Don’t bullshit me, you know it’s about more than that! You didn’t even bother to check Joel over?! You’re a doctor! Is there no end to your recklessness and stupidity?! Dragging a bleeding man along for the ride so you can do whatever you want?! Who the fuck do you think you are?!” Wilson continues to lecture her; she even tries to cover her ears.

“Hey, it ain’t that bad,” I get up and walk toward Wilson after the nurse is done with me, “I agreed to keep going.”

“Not a word from you, Joel,” Wilson rounds on me, “do not encourage her! She’s done shit like this before, you don’t know what you’re talking about!”

“I would have suggested he go back if he said something!” She’s starting to get more annoyed with him. Before she seemed to hold herself back, as if she felt like she deserved to be yelled at.

“You’re a fucking doctor! You know what adrenaline does! That’s why you have to be the one to look them over! I don’t need to teach you this, you know better!”

“You are so loud,” She rolls her eyes at him.

“You’re too reckless,” he continues regardless, “doctors are hard to come by, if you insist on going for patrols, you need to be more careful. I know you don’t care about your life, but don’t drag other people down with you! What would Ben say if-“

“Wilson!” She finally snaps at him. Whatever this conversation is, it clearly goes way back, further than what happened today, “you’re walking through a mine field with lead boots.”

“He’s not just going to show up out of nowhere. He’s in Santa Barbara, what are you expecting to do?! He wants you here because he wants you to be safe! He doesn’t want you there! What would Ben do it-“

His words are cut off as she kicks him in the stomach, leaving him to double over, clutching his abdomen with a loud grunt.

“Bring Ben up to me again like that, and I’ll punch your balls so far back up into your abdomen, we’ll be spending next New Year waiting for your balls to drop.” She growls as she pulls out her own IV, stands up and quickly tries to exit the room.

“Don’t you walk away like a child, I’m not done!”

He recovers and grabs onto her arm, and her response is swift and immediate. She winds up and, with no hesitation, punches him square in the face, “Don’t touch me.” She growled through gritted teeth, so much more threatening than her yelling at him.

Tommy tries to call her name softly, but she is beyond listening to anybody. She pushes past both of us and stomps toward the exit.

“You had to know that was coming,” Tommy chuckles, watching Wilson trying to stem the flow of blood trickling from his nose.

“She’s going to keep getting other people and herself hurt.” Wilson mutters.

“Not much she can do about some random hunters they encounter out there.” Tommy argues.

“You don’t get it.” He shakes his head.

I decide to exit the conversation and chase after her, she’s clearly upset, I don’t want to leave her alone.

When I catch up to her I try calling her name to get her attention, even tried calling her Boston to get a reaction, but either she’s actively ignoring me or is too preoccupied with her thoughts to hear me.

I automatically move to grab her wrist without thinking about it, forgetting she has very visceral reactions whenever someone tries to touch her.

Before my fingers can make contact she automatically jerks around and let’s another punch fly toward my head, but I block it easily.

Some of the tension leaves her body when she sees it’s me, “Sorry, you may want to wear a helmet if you're going to chase after me when I’m heated.”

“I did just fine,” I shrug, shoving my hands into my pockets before I give in to the urge to reach out to her again, “Come with me.”

She squints at me as I walk around her toward the exit, “Damn, you’re easy. But I need more foreplay before I’m ready.”

“That’s clearly not what I-“ I rub the back of my neck in frustration, not able to get the words out, “just follow me.”

She pauses before I hear her footsteps follow me out of the hospital, I think I might know what may help.

________________________________________________________________________

Joel brings you to the Tipsy Bison. He figured you could use a drink after the stressful encounters of the day, not just from the encounter outside the walls.

“Don’t think you should be drinking after you just had 2 transfusions,” you note to Joel as he sets down 2 drinks one for you one for himself.

“Don’t think you should be drinking after an infusion of antibiotics.” Joel counters as he sits across from you.

You shrug and raise your glass to him, “To your new red blood cells, may they carry plenty of oxygen to your organs before you inevitably die of liver failure.”

Joel clinks his glass with yours and you both take a sip. The whiskey burns the back of your throat in a good way as you lean back in the chair a bit.

“I am sorry, Miller,” you apologize uncomfortably, “Wilson is right, I should have looked you over before we left. I even noted that there appeared to be fresh blood on a sharp piece of metal, and I didn’t even…” You trail off, uneasy with the feeling of guilt.

You usually don’t care who you have to use along the way and who becomes collateral to get what you want. But this is hitting you different, because it’s Joel. You can’t quite rationalize in your head why it is hitting you so hard.

“Don’t apologize,” he holds your gaze, “I’m just fine. But you can pay me back.”

You tense up and glare at him, “What do you want?”

“To know about your brother,” Joel knew he was stepping into very dangerous territory, as it was a clear trigger for you. But, he doesn’t care, he wants to know more about what makes you tick, and he is not even bothering to try to hide it.

“I will take out those staples and watch you bleed out.” You lean your arms on the table, leaning more toward Joel.

“Good luck tryin’,” Joel leans forward too, mirroring your movement, “Don’t think you can man handle me the way you can with the others here.”

Your mouth tenses into a thin line, wondering why you feel compelled to talk to him. You take another gulp of your whiskey, making it easier to talk.

“We’ve always been close, my brother took care of me after the outbreak. More so than my father and my mother. So, after my mother left and my father died, I had to pick up the pieces to put him back together. He was 16 when the outbreak happened, so when everything went to shit, it was very hard on him. Even more so when we didn’t have our parents anymore.”

You look down and put your hands in your lap, nervously pulling at your fingers, “It was my turn to take care of him. I’d do anything for him, even if it meant doing what I had to with FEDRA to ensure his safety.”

“And that didn’t mean anything to him?” Joel couldn’t hide the bitterness in his tone, not understanding how your brother could leave you in such a position.

“That’s part of the reason why he joined the Fireflies, in hopes FEDRA could be disbanded eventually after a cure is made, freeing me from their grasp. He didn't want me to go with him because, even though FEDRA was certainly corrupt and dangerous, at least it was safer to be in a QZ than not in a QZ. The state of the rest of the world was relatively unknown to us outside of QZs, other than rumours. Ben and I just saw things differently; he experienced the old world and the way things worked back then. I was only 4 when the outbreak started, all I’ve really known is this world. He was determined to bring those old ideologies and order back to life. Like a lot of people in the Fireflies. That’s how Marlene got to him. Me, I see the world for what it is.”

You didn’t notice Joel wince at the mention of Marlene’s name. A nagging reminder of what happened in Salt Lake and the lie he told Ellie. Even if there were other immune people, Joel knows that Ellie still would have given her life even if there was only a fraction of a chance it could have done a little good.

He knows he made the decision for her, the way he condemned the Fireflies for forcing her into a decision while she was unconscious. You didn’t notice the way he tensed up when you told him your brother was in the Fireflies, the way his stomach dropped, and the way his heart started pounding in his ears. The only thing he can tell himself is that your brother is at one of the Firefly outposts in California. 

Joel forces himself to put those thoughts aside as you continue, “I never really took what my brother wanted seriously. I guess I just never saw my brother at the time as someone who was his own separate being with his own thoughts and beliefs. Is it a sibling thing? I just assumed after a while, he got over the old world and accepted reality like me…. But, the more I found out about him, the more afraid I became.”

“It’s a weird feeling, like reaching the object permanence milestone as a toddler, that realization when we understand that things continue to exist when they are not right in front of you.”

You polish off your whiskey, “he wanted to save everyone else, and I was happy just keeping myself and him alive. I wouldn’t say I’m all for saving humanity, I’m a proponent of the ‘fuck yours got mine’ mentality.”

Joel gets up and grabs you another drink, as you steal his and down it as well. He shakes his head at you and asks Seth for 2 more. He turns back toward you, “Don’t know how you could say that when you abandoned your plan to bring me back here.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You smirk at him over your glass.

“You were planning on ditching me when we got to Boise, head to California,” Joel stares intently back at you.

“Incorrect, I was going to ditch you when we were on the outskirts of Mountain Home.” You correct him.

“Foiled your plan, one way or another,” Joel winks as he takes a drink of his whiskey, almost like he was afraid that if he didn’t drink it quickly enough this time, you would steal it again.

“Cheers,” you giggle, raising your glass to your lips, “well played, sir. Don’t mistake my intentions, though. I would let Jackson burn to the ground and everyone in it, if it meant I could keep Ben and Jane safe.”

“Sure,” Joel doesn’t believe that for a second. You think maybe if you say it enough times, it will make it true. But, you care, in your own way, whether you want to admit it or not, “What about Jane? How did you meet her?”

Your face lights up when you can talk about Jane, “She was also in the Boston QZ. We became friends when I was 12 and she was 16. She was another FEDRA pet, and we bonded over our shared trauma over the years. We even made a pact to…” You frown again, realizing that the pact you made was depressing and probably not something Joel would want to hear.

You suddenly stopping in your tracks piqued Joel’s interest right away; he wondered what it could be to elicit such a reaction.

“Anyway,” You steer the conversation in another direction, “she is a much nicer person than I am, some of the soldiers would take advantage of that. So, I made it my mission to protect both of them. Too sweet for this world, Jane and my brother, it’s like they are actively trying to die.”

“What was the pact you made with her?” Joel can’t stop himself from asking.

“I’m nowhere near drunk enough for that conversation…” You mutter, swirling your drink around the glass.

"Come on, how bad can it be?" Joel argues, "Can't be anything worse than I've done."

"Why do you want to know?" You narrow your eyes at him suspiciously. 

"'Cause it sounds interesting." 

"Oh! Well, in that case! No." 

"It's not like you to get embarrassed like this."

"It's with good reason."

Before Joel could get more information out of you, you decided to redirect, “Since you enjoy asking me invasive questions, it’s my turn. I know about Sarah, but what about her mom? What happened to your boo thing?” You didn’t know their official title at the time and didn’t want to just assume.

Joel is finally at a point where he can talk about Sarah and hear her name without feeling like he is going to drown in despair. He is finally at a place where he can think fondly back at his daughter and keep her memory alive, rather than burying it. But when he thinks about his ex-wife, he cringes, regretting ever marrying her. The best thing to come out of that relationship was Sarah, he couldn’t give 2 shits about his ex-wife.

“Who knows,” Joel shrugs, “married her cause she was pregnant with Sarah. I wanted to do the right thing. She left me when Sarah was still really young. Best thing she could have done for us was to stay away. We were both better off without her. Sarah didn’t need her being in and out of her life when it was convenient for her.”

“On the bright side, she’s probably a bloater by now.” You smile at him.

“I’ll drink to that,” Joel raises his glass to cheers you again, smirking as he watches you gulp down the last sip of your whiskey.

“Didn’t date anyone after?” You try to ask nonchalantly.

“No, not really.”

“Not even after the outbreak? I mean, I know your relationship with Tess wasn’t intimate.”

“Why do you care?” He leans back in his chair, watching your reactions closely, enjoying the fact that you actually seem to care about his answers.

“I don’t,” you lie unconvincingly, lifting your empty glass when you see Seth look over in your direction.

“What about you?” Joel tries to shift the spotlight back to you, to ask something he had found himself thinking casually more recently, “Pretty young doctor, you must be beating them off with a bat.”

“No, with my fists, no bat required,” you smile as Seth brings you a refill, as you skirt around the question, “Plus, they beat themselves off, Mr. Miller. And you’re one to talk, I’ve heard some women complimenting you the other day. You hear a lot of gossip in the hospital.”

“Good for them,” Joel replies, unconvinced and uninterested.

“I can prove it,” you rest your elbows on the table again, resting your chin in your hand as you nod toward the bar, “see that woman at the bar?”

Joel narrows his eyes at you suspiciously, but he turns around so he can see where you are trying to direct his attention. He sees a woman Tommy introduced to him before, but he can’t quite remember her name. She was a woman in her mid-40s, with shoulder-length wavy black hair; she seemed nice enough when he met her.

“That’s Ester,” you continue, “she’s cute and I can totally tell she is interested in you.”

“Yeah, sure,” Joel shakes his head and turns back to you, “as you would say, it’s been decades since I’ve done anything as tedious and middle school as ‘finding out if so and so likes me.’”

“Um, actually, I would have said millennia.” You correct him.

“Exactly,” Joel nods.

“Miller, just because I comment on how you’re older than God, doesn’t mean that you are not a very attractive man. Have you never heard of a silver fox?” You tilt your head at him, one of your habits he enjoys too much.

Joel stares at you until he sees your cheeks go red, making him make a satisfied smirk, “Tell you what, I’ll play your game if you do something for me and return.” He knows exactly the question he wants to ask you, but he knows better than to just ask you outright, you’d avoid telling him, stalling for as long as you can again. 

“I speak reciprocity,” you learn forward, intrigued, “it’s my love language, what are your terms?”

“You answer one question for me.”

“Boring, you ask me questions all the time,” you roll your eyes and boo him.

“Not this type of question. From what I know of you so far, you won’t want to answer willingly.”

“You eye him suspiciously. “Why do you think I would be interested in this deal if that is your motivation?”

“Because, what I’ve learned about you so far is that you love to make people uncomfortable as much as you like to fuck with ‘em, you recoil at any form of physical contact, platonic or otherwise, and you like being right. Most importantly, proving to other people you’re right.”

“That about sums me up,” you smile, almost proudly, “an accurate analysis.”

“This is no different; you want to make me uncomfortable, and you want to prove to me that you’re right.”

“Maybe I just want to do something nice for Ester.” You offer.

“No, you don’t.”

“No, I don’t,” you giggle, “alright, Miller, you have a deal.”

Before getting up, he looks at the other side of the bar, where he can see Cedric staring at you, “On second thought, I can’t leave you on your own. I brought you here; I’d be rude.”

“Somehow, I think I’ll live,” you wave off his excuse, “off you go, Don Juan, make me proud!”

He’s not able to think of a valid excuse to keep himself there that you wouldn’t dismiss, and he does want to ask you that uncomfortable question. He sighs and reluctantly stands up and heads toward Ester.

You watch as he greets her and she smiles brightly up at him, as if she were waiting for him to come up to her all night. You feel a light twinge of regret in your stomach as you watch them interact. Your chest tightens a little when you see Ester grab onto his arm and yank him down to sit next to her at the bar.

You down Seth’s refill pretty quickly and try to be interested in something else to keep yourself from staring at them. Sure, you like to be right, but you’re just figuring out you don’t want to be right about this, and you won’t allow yourself to point out a potential reason why.

You’re not by yourself for long. Spencer is the first one to sit with you at your table, greeting you excitedly. You decide to have a bit of fun, see how Joel reacts. You get even more smug when Cedric takes the opportunity to sit down. You’ve noticed the way Joel seems to tense up whenever he is around.

“Joel leave you?” Cedric asks as he sits back down, “I would never leave you here on your own.”

“He knows I can handle myself, and I think you know that too, especially you, Mercer,” I nod at him as he offers me another drink.

You believe the alcohol and the buzz you already have will help when it comes to handling their advances. If you were sober, you would have just told them to fuck off.

As soon as those 2 sit with you, Joel’s attention immediately goes back to you. He tries to listen to Ester, but he can’t force his attention to stay on her, when his mind always goes back to you.

“I heard about it, must have been awful,” Ester comments from next to Joel, “good thing you were able to get back here in one piece… Joel?”

“Hmmm?” Joel shakes his head and forces himself to look at Ester again.

“The patrol that brought you back so soon, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” he points over to you, “she got me back safely.”

Ester’s lips form a tense, thin line as she looks over at you, “That’s good, she’s an… Interesting doctor.”

“What does that mean?” He starts to tense up and feel a bit defensive about the way Ester is reacting to you.

“Just… Be careful around her. She’s a great fighter and a lovely person to have around. But her priority is always going to be herself.”

Joel considers her words and smirks softly to himself. The same could be said about him, he’s helpful to have around to do the dirty work, but he can be very selfish, and has thrown many under the bus in order to satisfy his own interests. 

“She’s not as selfish as people make her out to be,” Joel replies, “she grew up in this world, it’s not that surprisin’ she chooses self-preservation over the good of other people. But, she’s still here, doin’ her part.”

“I suppose,” Ester shifts uncomfortably, “anyway, I was hoping to get you on your own. Tommy told me you’re teaching Ellie how to play guitar. I didn’t know you played. You know, I played back in the day too. I would love to hear you play sometime, maybe you could help me refresh my skills too, if you don’t mind.”

Joel is distracted again when he hears your musical laugh as you touch Cedric’s shoulder, laughing at something he said. Joel’s fingers balled into fists, and his jaw tightened as he saw the way you suddenly smiled. Sure, he figured it had something to do with how much you have been drinking, but it still caused his anger to bubble up and threaten to take over.

“Sorry,” Joel says through gritted teeth, “I should head back. I dragged her here to make her feel better. Ain’t polite to just leave her there.”

“She’s doing fine,” Ester looks over at you and tries to reassure Joel to keep the conversation going a little longer, “Cedric and Spencer are nice guys.”

But Joel wasn’t listening, he offered her a quick goodbye as he returned to you, “Casanova!” You grin as you see Joel stomping back to your table, “How’d it go?! I was right, wasn’t I?”

All Joel had to do was glare at the 2 men, and they gave you a rushed goodbye before returning a safe distance away from Joel.

“Whoa,” you laugh, “sure know how to clear a room, huh?”

“Yeah,” he sits back down in his chair and watches you closely, “What did they want?”

“My milkshake,” you smile at him, “Moore shows up wherever I am. Clearly, things went well with Ester; she’s still looking over here at you.”

Joel merely grunts in response, not taking his eyes off you, taking another sip of his drink, “Cool, you’re right about somethin’ else again. Now it’s my turn.”

“Ask your question,” you learn back in your chair smugly, “I am at just the right threshold of drunk.”

“What was the pact you made with Jane?”

You immediately freeze up, and your eyes briefly travel over to Cedric. Then you try looking anywhere else but at Joel. The way you reacted when Joel asked earlier intrigued him. Your reaction to it was much more visceral and less calculated than to other questions he asks you.

“We just promised we would leave Boston together and stay as a unit forever. What a waste of a question, sucks for you.”

“No,” Joel looks at her sternly, “the truth. Now.”

Ordinarily, you would waste your next few sentences on anecdotes to annoy Joel into dropping it. But the look he gave you was very compelling indeed. You figured it had to be his father senses kicking in to detect bullshit. That he can pry the truth out of you with just a glare.

“We…” You start, but can’t seem to finish. You have to pause to take another drink.

“Somethin’ to do with Cedric?” Joel pressed, trying to act casual, though he was boiling inside when you glanced over at Cedric when he asked his question, “Some kinda relationship?”

“I mean….” You pause again, trying to think of the right words, but your drunken brain lacks your usual level of tact and is struggling, “it’s kind of like that, sort of, but at the same time no, not really, but maybe almost….”

“Why do I feel like I’m havin' a stroke whenever I talk to you?” Joel squints at you, trying to decipher meaning from madness, but he didn’t bring his decoder ring.

“I guess, what I’m trying to say is, it doesn’t not involve him,” you blush a deep crimson, embarrassed to tell Joel the story. Another memory you have tried to forget over the years, but are unable to because of Cedric being here.

“Okay, fine,” you shake your head and decide to just get it out. “There were plenty of other girls around us when we were in Boston that were being forced into sexual relations with soldiers, not all of them, mind you. But, some of them, as you know, weren’t exactly upstanding citizens.”

Joel tenses up more, not sure where you are going with this, and more afraid to know where you are going with this conversation. Afraid you were one of the ones being taken advantage of in that way. He had half a mind to march back to Boston to rip their throats out.

“Jane and I just figured it would be a matter of time before they used us too, even though we belonged to some of the more high-ranking soldiers that shielded us from that kind of treatment, because of the people our parents were…”

Joel lets you pause to collect your thoughts as you watch the whiskey swirl around your glass when you spin it as you take another sip, “I just… I didn’t want my first time to be taken from me, you know? I wanted to be in control and pick someone I believed I could trust. It didn’t even have to be someone I had romantic feelings for, because who the fuck needs that headache? I just needed someone I felt safe with.”

Your blush returns and you can’t even bring yourself to look at Joel anymore. So, instead, you choose to just lay your face on the table, refusing to look up.

“Makes sense,” Joel mumbles, unable to fully contain the anger he felt at the thought of you sleeping with someone else. Though he understands you had a life before he met you again here, of course, he wouldn’t hold it against you if you had; it still made him grit his teeth, “Don’t have to be embarrassed, do whatever you feel like you need to in order to feel safe.. You feel bad that she’s with Ethan, and you haven’t found someone yet? I suppose you’re less likely to be taken advantage of like that here, smaller community and all.”

He was still confused as to why you seemed this uncomfortable; to him, it didn’t seem like a big deal.

“How rude!” You raise your head off the table, face even redder, Joel thought you looked adorable flustered, “I’ll have you know I’ve already done the sex, sir, if you must know!”

Joel chokes on his drink, “No one who has had sex before calls it ‘the sex,’ you a fuckin’ robot tryin' to hard to sound human? If that’s the case, why're you so embarrassed?”

You frown and rest your head on the table again, raising a shaky finger to point at Cedric. Joel turns to see who you’re pointing at, “Seriously? Him?”

“Look, he’s a nice enough guy. He was always kind to me when he was a FEDRA soldier, so I thought, why not him? It was never from a feeling of affection, just that I wanted to have a say in who it was, you know? It was just awkward, neither one of us had experience. He enjoyed himself at least. I don’t know! I didn’t have someone I could talk to about the logistics, couldn’t talk to Ben about it and ask him for advice on stuff like that. He would have passed the fuck out.”

Joel tried very hard not to let a chuckle out, but he couldn’t help it. He felt a little relieved that you clearly didn’t reciprocate feelings toward Cedric, “Didn’t just try again?” Joel jokes and chuckles again at the mortified look you give him.

“Unfortunately, for Moore, I haven’t felt anything below the neck in a very long time. Once was enough with him, thank you. I don’t want to relive that awkward night, from the memories I haven’t repressed, all I can remember is him flopping on top of me, and me just trying to keep my page in my book, remembering I still had socks I needed to fold. Haven't done the sex again since."

Joel covered his mouth this time, very much trying to contain the laughter that was threatening to come out. He would never say it out loud to you, but he was glad you clearly didn’t have feelings for Cedric. Your interest was purely self-preservation. It gave Joel more confidence.

“Wouldn’t say you don’t feel anythin',” Joel’s eyes seem more intense to you now, they seemed to have a darkness in them that gave you shivers, “just haven’t had the right person to make you feel differently.”

“Maybe…..” You’re distracted watching Joel’s lips touch his glass again as he finishes off his whiskey, watching his Adam’s apple bob.

“At least I didn’t have to worry about pregnancy, cheers to not having a uterus!” You raise your empty glass up for another cheers.

Joel’s face softens, “What happened?”

You grimaced in your chair, “I don’t remember fully, I just remember a lot of pain and pressure, I couldn’t move my legs, I think my pelvis was broken. Shards of bone lodged in my uterus; they couldn’t stop the bleeding, so they took it out, along with my spleen and part of my liver, which were also bleeding too much. Left the ovaries though, so no menopause for me yet, cheers!”

You said it so nonchalantly that it made Joel’s heart hurt and his chest tighten for you. Just shows the tragic upbringing you had, to say it so casually. He thought back to that memory he had of you in Boston. Was it from whatever happened to you just before he found you?

Joel observes that your eyes look like they are starting to gloss over a bit, like you haven’t slept in days and the whiskey was about to render you comatose, “Want me to walk you home? It’s getting late.” Joel didn’t want the encounter to end, but he could see how difficult it was starting to get for you to stay awake. The stress of the day and lack of sleep leading up to the mission have completely drained you. And you felt oddly at ease and comfortable in Joel’s presence.

“Sure, thanks,” You’re a little disappointed that the night was ending, but happy to at least spend a little more time with him on the walk back.

________________________________________________________________________

I thought the fresh air might help her a little, but she is still pretty unsteady on her feet as we walk back. I feel uncomfortable with her going home and staying there by herself. With the way she is walking, she won’t be able to make it up the stairs, even on her porch. Someone needs to look after her tonight, make sure she is okay. 

“Here,” I finally stop her and bend down in front of her.

She gasps, “A piggyback ride?! Is this the southern hospitality I’ve been missing?”

“Just get on.”

“You have fresh staples in your lower back,” She reminds me.

“Fine,” I straighten myself back up, turn around and scoop her up princess style before she has a chance to protest.

She doesn’t say anything or resist. I half expect her defensive mechanism to kick in, but she only tenses up briefly before letting herself relax in my arms. I can feel the heat from her face on my chest as she absentmindedly plays with the buttons on my shirt; she seems to be distracted by her thoughts. Maybe this is a bad idea….

But, I walk with her silently until I reach my house, setting her down gently as I open the door for her and invite her in. I try not to look at her as I take off my boots and walk to the kitchen for some water, “You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“I’m not making you sleep on the couch,” She argues, walking closer to me, her lavender scent and her general presence is making it harder for me to breathe normally.

I finish pouring myself water and take a sip, trying to calm my nerves a bit. But, as usual, she doesn’t let me; she takes the glass from me and also has a drink, even though I poured her her own, looking at me with those god damn eyes.

“If you’re going to be nice enough to offer your bed, who am I to decline?” She smiles up at me innocently. This one seems different; I haven’t seen it before. It’s flirty, almost daring, it’s dangerous.

“I’ll show you the way to-“

“You haven’t given me a tour!” She pouts and looks around the house, “It’s so nice and cozy here.”

“Later,” I sigh, “you need sleep.”

I need her to go to sleep, now. I don’t trust that I can control myself if she continues. I tense up when I feel her fingers brush my arm, “please.”

“Fine,” I groan in frustration, picking her up again to make this go by faster. This time, I throw her over my shoulder so her hips are resting on my shoulder, trying to avoid disrupting her fresh staples.

Her squeal of surprise turned into a giggle as I stomped around the first floor, “Living room, kitchen, bathroom, dining room, back door, Ellie’s shed, good enough?”

I don’t wait for her to answer, I need to get her up stairs and put her down, my one hand is stabilizing her hips, and I want very much to move my hands to that perfect ass.

I try pushing those thoughts aside again as I go up the stairs, “Can you readjust your knife?” I mumble to her, “It’s digging into my shoulder.”

“Silly, Mr. Miller, that’s my dick.”

I chuckle softly and open my bedroom door, “So this is where you bring all the bitches.” She scans the room as I put her down.

“Yeah,” I grunt sarcastically, “all the bitches.”

To my surprise she goes over to my dresser and starts pulling out clothes, “You have a habit of making yourself right at home, huh?” I squint at her back.

“I’m not sleeping in these clothes,” she shrugs as she finds one of my shirts that she is satisfied with.

Come on, I can’t look at her wearing one of my shirts; it’s hard enough to have her here in my room alone. Is she trying to get a rise out of me? ‘

“What’re you-“ I turn around immediately as she starts pulling off her shirt.

“What? You afraid of a scantily clad woman, Mr. Miller?” She teases me.

Not afraid of her body, that’s the problem. I’m afraid of what I may do when I see it.

I hear her laugh as she changes and notices me still turned around uncomfortably. I hear her footsteps cross the room, and I whip around when I hear her walking into the bedside table.

“It ran out in front of me, officer, I swear,” she smiles innocently. That smile is going to break me, I swear to fucking god.

She lifts the covers and gets into my bed, “Tuck me in, Miller. I want the full gentleman experience.”

I walk over to her stiffly and do as she requests. As I walk away, I jump when I feel her slap my ass as she giggles and goes, “hmmm, slap some butter on them biscuits!”

I turn around and sit on the edge of the bed. I sigh as I grab onto her chin, forcing her to look at me, “Listen to me,” I look at her sternly, “you have no idea what you’re starting.”

“Oh yeah?” She stares back at me, tilting her head and biting her lip as if she already knew I love when she does that, “Like what?”

What I wouldn’t do to bite that fucking lip, “Trust me,” I practically growl at her, “You don’t want to know the things I think about doing to you.”

“… You’re very bold this evening, Miller.” To my satisfaction, she blushes and tries to look away from the intensity of my stare. But she started this, I won’t let her look away.

“It’s because I know you’re going to wake up tomorrow and not remember this conversation. And there are a few things I would like to get off my chest.”

She is very drunk, but I would be lying if I said a part of me hopes she does remember.

“I… I think I would like to know…” Her eyes are hooded, staring back at me just as intensely. The tension in the room thickens almost to the point where it feels suffocating.

An involuntary groan escapes my throat as I have to fight hard against the urge to pounce on her. I can’t, she’s too drunk. Not the fact that I am more than twice her age, not that her brother is a Firefly, not that she barely has any experience. None of it matters, all that matters is her and how fucking badly I want her, more than I’ve wanted any woman in my fucking life.

It's like my mind is telling me it’s inevitable, it’s too late for me. I’m already hooked on her, and there’s nothing I can do about it. She’s fucking intoxicating.

“Come on, old man,” She teases me, “surely you have things you could teach me.”

“You have no idea,” I grunt as I try to force down the depraved thoughts.

I let go of her chin, and force my hands to stay in my lap, “Do you know how fuckin’ hard it is to see those guys shamelessly throw themselves at you? How badly I want to tear them to pieces when they get within 6 feet of you? How every time you bite that fuckin’ lip, I want to throw you against my wall and bite it so hard it’ll leave a bruise.”

The drunken sway she was experiencing before stills and she can’t do anything but look at me, eyes wide, leaning toward me slightly, so I continue, haven’t scared her off yet.

“Do you know how badly I want to hear that sweet voice of yours scream my name as I ruin that body of yours for days, so I can keep you locked up in my room.”

I smirk at her, satisfied with her shocked silence, “Don’t have anything smart to say now, do you, Boston?”

“I – I, think I would like that.” Her voice is small and quiet, but her words keep ringing in my ears as if she had yelled them.

She stares at my lips, daring me to make my move. It’s making me lose my fucking mind. I have to get out of here. I don’t think I’ll have the willpower to pull away if things go any further right now. My pants are already unbearably tight as my body begs me to continue.

She looks disappointed when I get up from the bed, “Night, Boston.”

I rush downstairs before she has a chance to say anything else. I lock myself in the bathroom, trying to catch my breath, “Fuck,” I grunt as I undo my buckle and shove my jeans down.

Fuck, haven’t been this fucking hard since I was a teenager, just from talking like that to her, this girl is going to fucking ruin me.

I lean against the counter and stroke myself slowly at first, imagining it’s her hand and not my own. I imagine the faces she’d make, the beautiful sounds that would escape her as I make her feel better than she ever has. Make her crave me and only me.

I think about how affected I am already when it comes to just talking dirty to her and picturing her as I fuck my hand. Thinking about how amazing it’ll feel when it’s the real thing, when she is actually underneath me begging for me to touch her, begging for me to bury myself inside of her. Just those thoughts are making me lose control.

I can’t stop myself from groaning like a horny teenager, and I pump harder as I cum hard and fast with a strangled moan.

I sigh when I realize I would have to go upstairs to change into something to sleep in. But I don’t dare go back up there, it’s not safe for her. I clean myself up and throw my jeans back on.

I grab a spare blanket from the downstairs closet and lie out on the couch. My mind is racing, thoughts of only her. There is no way I’m going to get much sleep tonight… Not with me picturing her face every time I close my eyes.  

Chapter Text

"What did you say to them?" Banks glares at me, his eyes are darker than I've ever seen them.

"Can you be more specific, I talk to a lot of 'thems' as you know," I retort, knowing perfectly well who he is talking about. He must know that too. But, I wouldn't be me if I didn't act unserious. Even when facing a severe, potentially life-ending punishment.

In the past, I've always seen his anger directed at others, he's been frustrated with me. But never angry. I can see why people squirm underneath his glare, it's not pleasant.

"You told Marlene about the immune people we found."

"No, silly, I told Ben."

He takes a swing at me, but I dodge it quite easily, "would you consider this to be 'irreconcilable differences' in our relationship?" I ask him innocently.

"I reckon so," he replies, rubbing his thick beard. In a weird way, he looked almost hurt by my betrayal. I almost believe it. Affection is such an old-world emotion.

"Right," I prepare myself for a fight as I get ready to make a run for the door. I will only have a very small opportunity for escape, "you can take everything else in the divorce settlement," I joke, "I only want-"

My sentence is cut off when the door slams open and around 10 soldiers stomp into the room, "Come on," I groan, "can't take me on yourself? Fine, I'll kick all your asses, line up. Who's first?"

I square up to them like I have a snowball's chance in hell of getting out of this. But, we all know there is nothing I can do, I'm out numbered and out armed. I wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try, though.

I flex my fingers and bend my knees, getting ready to launch myself at the soldier closest to my right, wanting to go down fighting. If I attack them like this, as a reaction, they may just kill me. Saving me from whatever Banks has planned. I hear a loud bang and a piercing pain in my lower abdomen. One of the fuckers shot me.... Guess that was inevitable, can't do anything themselves, need other people or their guns to do the work for them.

What are they? Scared of a little girl? I can be pretty terrifying, though, "Alright," I grunt through clenched teeth, "guess we'll call it a draw then."

"It really is a shame,"  Banks approaches me, gun still pointed at me, so it was him who shot me, "you have been an invaluable asset to me over the years. If only you had kept your mouth shut."

He reaches to grab my chin, but I jerk away from him automatically, not caring about the loaded gun still pointing at me, "Take her to the holding cells," he commands the other soldiers, "keep her alive, I want to make sure she lives to regret her decision."

"Ummm, hi, have you forgotten the bullet in my abdomen?"

"You'll live," he smiles darkly at me, "you think you're impenetrable. But let's see if you keep that attitude up when you find what I have in store for you."

"I love a cock fight, bet mine's bigger."

"We'll see," his smirk is the last thing I see before someone else hits me in the back of the head with the butt of their gun.

.....

Suddenly, I'm awake. Shaking, blood all over my body... At least it's not all mine, it can't be, I'd be dead. I try to steady my shaky hands as I go through the keys on the ring I stole from one of the soldiers.

I look at my hands, I've definitely broken some bones in my hands. I look again at the soldiers I was in the room with, a barely recognizable body that barely resembled a person.

I almost trip over the other body in the room, the person who was guarding the door. I take back the knife I stabbed into their head and grabbed the gun they were still clutching.

I don't feel the pain anymore, my body is on autopilot, I have to get Jane. I stumbled clumsily down the hallway, still in a daze from what I had done. There wasn't a choice, just.... I wasn't expecting that kind of violence from myself.

I creep steadily down the halls, trying to get to the holding cells quietly, taking soldiers out as I go. When I get back, there is a soldier in the holding cells with her. He was over her, she was trying to fight back, the soldier was much larger than her, holding her down, trying to choke the life out of her.

An animalistic scream escapes me as I ready my knife and jump on him, wanting the satisfaction of stabbing him rather than shooting him. I stab him anywhere and everywhere, starting with his eyes. I don't stop until his body is limp and he falls to the floor.

"You're okay!" Jane cries as she throws her arms around me, voice quiet and raspy from being choked.

"It was you, wasn't it?" I return her hug.

"I-I couldn't do nothing... I couldn't sit here and let them do that to you..."

She was the one who provided me with the distraction. That brief moment of pause that the soldier had when he was over me gave me the time I needed to act. She must have attacked one of the other soldiers to cause a commotion.

"Jane..." I sigh as I look at the marks around her neck.

"You should see yourself, we have matching neck bruises. Don't worry, they didn't..." Jane looks at me with wide eyes, finally studying all the blood on me, unable to tell whether the blood was mine or someone else's.

"No," I shake my head, "it was close though, thank you... They could have killed you."

I'm one to talk, I'm still actively bleeding from my gunshot wound. I really shouldn't be alive right now; adrenaline is keeping me going at this point. Once it runs out, I'll probably collapse.

"I don't care, I wasn't going to let them do that to you." Jane sniffles as I see tears run down her face.

"They almost did this time," I shake my head, "we have to go. Now."

I grab onto Jane and pull her toward the door, stepping over one of the soldiers' bodies, "We have to get to Tess," I say to her as we break into a run, making sure my gun is ready, "she'll help us get out of here."

.....

My eyes flutter open when I hear a soft knock on the bedroom door. Who the hell is knocking on my door? I don't live with anyone. Then I realize I am not in my bed. It smells like Joel...

I feel my face go red, and then I can feel the pounding headache making my vision blurry. I put the pillow over my head, my chosen defence against the blinding light of the morning sun. And maybe I'll suffocate under here and not have to deal with the headache.

I hear the door to the room open and heavy footsteps approaching the bed that could only belong to Joel, "You alright?" Joel's deep, gruff voice asks me. My face burns even more crimson, girl, calm down. Why are you so worked up?

"I'm passing away..." I mutter into the mattress.

I hear him chuckle and set something down on the bedside table, "Made coffee."

"You beautiful man," I gasp and throw the pillow off my head, braving the bright sunlight to take the gently steaming mug next to me.

I blow on it before taking a sip. I looked like coffee... It smells like coffee... But had no other properties of coffee. I swallow it and then glare up at him.

"Lies! How dare you tease me by saying you're giving me coffee and hand me coffee's stunt double! Take this back and put coffee in it!" Must be that instant shit.

"You're sure raising your voice a lot for someone who drank as much as you did last night," Joel grunts, "it's the closest to coffee I can get, unfortunately."

"... Why do you punish yourself, Miller? Whatever you did in the past can't be that bad. Don't you want more for yourself?"

"I'd like to see you do better. Know how hard it is to get decent coffee these days?"

"I'll tell you what, this headache is clearly an aneurysm that burst. I'll leave you my coffee in my will for you." I pulled the blankets over my head and curled up underneath. The warmth mixed with Joel's familiar scent is very soothing...

"Come on," Joel yanks the blankets off, making me hiss as I feel the sun on me again and shut my eyes tighter, "up you get, Tommy probably has a patrol for us today."

"We're not supposed to be here!" I groan in protest.

"Exactly, someone else is going to be sent on the Boise mission, someone probably already in rotation. So, someone will be switching spots with us."

"Too bad, I'm calling in dead."

Joel grabs the pillow next to me and hits me in the side with it, "Get up, showers yours. I can smell whiskey comin' out your pores."

I groan and slither off the bed as if I had no bones to prop me up, like a snake and lay on the floor. I can feel Joel's eyes on me, amused, despite himself, that I refuse to stand up. I know if I stand I'm going to get dizzy and fall, I feel like the room is spinning enough with me lying here.

"Are you goin' to get there sometime today?" I can hear him tapping his foot impatiently.

"Guess I'll be cleaning the floor along the way," I reply, dragging my body along the floor toward the bathroom, "you're welcome."

I hear Joel sigh heavily again as he grabs my ankles and drags me the rest of the way to the bathroom. All I can do is laugh at his impatience, enjoying the trip as the coolness of the floor feels nice on my sore body.

"God your feet are cold." Joel complained.

"Yeah, when people call me cold it is in more ways than one. I'm always cold and smooth to the touch, cuddling with me is like cuddling with a dead Komodo dragon."

He drags me into the washroom and turns on the water, "There," he grunts, "hurry up."

"Aren't you going to help me in the shower too, Miller?" I smile innocently up at him, "I don't think I can stand in the shower by myself, why don't you be a dear and help me?"

"No, I won't be a dear," Joel murmurs as he refuses to look at me as I start pulling his shirt off my body, closing the door behind him quickly. I smile to myself, satisfied that I've made him uncomfortable and start stripping my clothes off so I can hop in the shower. Hopefully, this will help.

____________________________________

I pause after I close the bathroom door behind me, trying to get my breathing back under control, willing myself to calm down. My heart is still pounding in my chest. I take a deep breath and return to my room to grab the mug.

I look down at my bed, the indent where she lay all night is still prominent. I am not looking forward to my sheets smelling like her. I already have an impossible time getting her out of my mind. Now, it's going to be even worse. Especially with how bold I got with her last night.

I may not have been drunk last night, but the drinking I did do definitely made me more impulsive than I would have liked. If anything, I've made things worse for myself. Knowing that she seemed to be... Willing... Intrigued...

Wonder if I'll ever have a decent night's sleep after last night. I woke up multiple times during the night, still fucking hard from our conversation in my room and the dreams of her when I did eventually fall asleep. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Where do I go from here?

She didn't even flinch when I touched her... I can't do this. I can't be feeling this way, I'm way too old for this kind of shit.

I decide to go for a walk to get some fresh air, can't be here knowing she is naked right now in my shower. I need to get out of here so I can stop fighting the urge to go back there.

I head downstairs and out the front door. It's a nice morning, quiet on the street too. I decide to walk toward Main Street in Jackson, making sure it will give her plenty of time to shower and get dressed before I get back.

"Joel!"

I turn to see Tommy running up to me, "Hey," I greet him as he catches up, "headin' to the mess hall?"

"Nah, I was actually about to head to your house. If you're feelin' up for it, I can send you on a quick patrol. Peter decided to go on the Boise mission, and Eugene volunteered to go with him. So, I need someone to cover Eugene's patrol. It's not a very long one, so you should be fine with your injury."

"I don't mind," I answer, looking forward to getting out again.

"You alright goin' with Cedric?"

My body tenses up, "thought you were going to send me with Boston."

"I think she is in need of a time-out," Tommy replied quietly.

"She's not a little kid, Tommy," I scuff, "she'll be fine in a small patrol."

"Joel, Tommy, good morning." Someone else greets us.

I turn to look, and I'm surprised to see Ethan there, Jane's boyfriend, "Dr. Taylor." I nod a polite greeting to him.

He smiles at both of us, shaking his head to get his curly blonde hair out of his eyes, "How are you feeling, Joel?"

"Just fine."

"And how is your friend? Is she well? I saw her leaving the bar with you last night."

I see Tommy look at me suspiciously out of the corner of my eye, "she's fine." I reply curtly.

"You 2 seem to have gotten closer. You'll have to let me in on your secret, she doesn't go out with anyone other than Jane."

"That a fact?" I narrow my eyes at him. What's he getting at? "Don't know why it concerns you."

I'm starting to get defensive, but I fail to see how what she does is any of his business. The way he is looking at me is strange. So, I'm spending time with her, so what? He sounds like a jealous boyfriend.

His smile falters a little, "Jane worries about her. Do make sure she stays out of trouble."

He nods at each of us and walks around us toward the mess hall, "What was that about?" I mumble to Tommy.

Tommy crosses his arms and stares at me, "You took her to the Tipsy Bison."

"Yeah," I shrug, "she was upset, I was just trying to cheer her up."

"You left with her."

"What are you accusing me of, Tommy?"

"Nothin'," Tommy shakes his head, "well, since you're going to be in town and not on your way to Boise, you can come to the party next week."

"I don't think-"

"You know Ellie wants to go, and it would be great for you to be there too. It's nothin' to be scared of, Joel. It'll be a good opportunity for you to interact with everyone. Plus, Ester will be there. I really think you guys could hit it off."

"Tommy-"

"Not accepting 'no' as an answer," Tommy puts a hand up to silence me, "you'll be there, Ellie will have fun, and you will attempt to have fun. You're a part of the community now, gotta act like it at some point."

"I don't-"

"Alright, good talk!" Tommy pats me on the shoulder before I can get my words out. He leaves me standing there and continues toward the stables. Probably to see off the first few patrols.

I sigh heavily. Why is he pushing Ester on me so much? She's a nice enough woman, sure. But, she's not... Her. One could argue that someone like Ester is probably better for me. I'm just not drawn to Ester; I am drawn to her. I could name a thousand reasons why I should stay away from her. But it doesn't matter. I can always think of one reason that brings me back to her, despite all the reasons why I shouldn't.

It feels like everything has intensified since last night. The way she leaned toward me, the way she looked at me, the sound of her voice and her scent. The fact that she doesn't allow anyone to touch her, but last night she leaned into my hand when I grabbed her chin. Her body responded to me.... If she starts saying my name, I'm going to lose my fucking mind.

It's like a line was crossed last night, and there is no going back now. No hopes of forming a platonic friendship, I don't want her friendship, I want so much more. This all feels somehow inevitable. I can't deny how I'm feeling for her, and to be honest, I don't want these messy feelings for her. This is only going to get messier, especially if she somehow feels the same way. I have enough shit I have to deal with without this piled on top.

But somehow, it also feels comforting in a way. To have someone I feel I don't have to hide things from. I've never felt this way before, never wanted someone as much as I want her... In so many ways.

I decide to start heading back to my house now. That should have been plenty of time for her to shower and probably leave the house. I'll have to let her know what Tommy said about us going on a patrol. As much as going with someone else is probably the better idea, I don't want to go with anyone else. I want to go with her... I'm fucked.

___________________________________

Joel thought his little walk would do the trick, that you would have been gone by now. But things only got worse when he walked through the door. You were in the kitchen, wearing only one of his shirts again, and he noticed that it barely covered your thighs; it only reached about mid-thigh, to his pleasure/horror.

You had found some music and started playing it on the CD player, so you started dancing around the kitchen as you cooked. He noted it was Take On Me by A-Ha. All he could do was lean against the threshold and watch the show. You had a small, gentle smile on your lips that he was automatically drawn to.

He watches you for a bit longer until you turn and smile wider when you see him. His chest tightens when he sees that elusive genuine smile, "You have a lot of energy for someone who was on the brink of death not long ago." He comments.

"I bounce back after I rehydrate," you shrug as you pour whatever you were mixing into a couple of frying pans.

"Oh, to be young and rebound as quickly as you do," Joel shakes his head in disbelief, "Thought you would be back at your own place by now."

"I mean, if you don't want me to thank you for helping me last night, I guess I'll take my omelettes and be on my way."

"No, stay," Joel didn't want to miss out on your cooking. It did make him feel some type of way to watch you cook in his kitchen with his shirt on.

"Come on, Miller," you continue to dance after you leave the eggs to cook in the frying pans, "don't leave a lady on the dance floor by herself. I thought we established you're a southern gentleman."

Joel thought he would prefer to just watch you. The way your hips swayed, the way you smiled, the way you didn't even seem to think about anything in this moment, just let the music decide your movements.

You saunter closer to him, reaching your hand out to him, smirking. Joel clears his throat and excuses himself to the bathroom to shower. You giggle to yourself, knowing you made him flustered. In a lot of ways, he was like you, not letting most people see how he feels in the moment. The only people he lets in are Tommy and Ellie. Now you as well. It scared him to know that it took so little time for you to sink your nails deep within him and affect him in such a way.

The way he shows emotions isn't how most people do. His expressions are subtle, unnoticed by people who do not know what to look for. But you notice every tiny twitch at the side of his mouth, the way his features tense and relax, the small glint in his eyes. Every little thing you commit to memory, making reading his subtle shifts easier to translate.

Joel was worried, he closed the door behind him and leaned against it, as if he were afraid you were going to follow him in. Hand over his chest, willing his heartbeat to slow down, he felt at a loss for what to do. He was unsettled when you referenced the 'southern gentleman' line. That's what you called him when he was walking you back to his house.

If you remembered that, what else did you remember? He felt like he should ask you, but he was afraid to, afraid to find out if you remembered anything from when you were both in his room. He was afraid because he didn't know what he would do. Did you regret anything you said? If you did, you didn't show it. Were you uncomfortable when Joel admitted some of what he felt toward you, the undeniable pull you have on him? If you were uncomfortable, you had an odd way of showing it, in that you seemed to be provoking him on purpose. If anything, you seem more comfortable around him than before.

Your expressions are softer, the gentler way you smile at him. He lets the memories of last night plague his mind again, "Fuck sakes," he groans as his pants feel tight again. He strips his clothes off and gets into the shower, having to relieve himself again, with thoughts of you swimming in his head.

___________________________________

When I'm satisfied with the texture of the omelettes, I put them into the oven to cook a little more. Joel seems a bit on edge this morning. I hope I didn't say anything too embarrassing to him last night. I only remember bits and pieces. I don't even remember getting here. But, somehow, I feel closer to Joel.

I have not been that drunk in a long time. That's embarrassing. I shake my head and try to push those thoughts aside. I season the vegetables as I wait for the eggs to be done, when I hear a knock on the door.

I hear a quick knock on the door, I raise an eyebrow and look toward the door when I hear Tommy, "Joel! Have you seen-"

He pauses when he sees me in the kitchen, "Hey, Miller!" I wave a spatula at him, "J. Miller is in the shower, you know, wash off all the nasty, depraved, drunk sex we had last night." I wink at him, expecting him to laugh or give me an exasperated sigh.

But his eyes widen as he looks me up and down, noticing that I'm just wearing one of Joel's shirts, seemingly giving validity to my claim, "That ain't funny."

"No, it was pretty hot, actually," I laugh as he steps back and heads toward the stairs, maybe to confront Joel, "relax! Come on, I'm kidding! He let me crash here cause he was worried about me being alone with how drunk I was."

That answer doesn't seem to satisfy him, though. He stomps closer to me, and I automatically back away from him. He stops himself and takes a deep breath, "Make sure you guys report to the stables in an hour, y'all gotta make yourselves useful."

"Who pissed in your pancakes, Miller?" I glare back at him, "Not sure what I did to piss you off so much. Look, I brought your brother back. He's fine. I'm sorry the mission failed for us. But he's fine and I didn't ditch him, what more do you want?"

I seriously don't get why he's so pissed off. He didn't act like this when I was at the hospital with Joel. The fuck is his problem now?

"You don't get it," Tommy mutters as turns to leave before pausing, "This came for you."

He went into his pocket and handed me a letter, "A Couple of Fireflies were passing by, traded some stuff, and they had a letter for you."

I feel my heart start to race, the only person who sends me letters is...

I quickly yank it out of his hands, "Ben!" I gasp with relief, seeing his familiar writing spell out my name on the front of the envelope. After I take the letter from Tommy, he turns back to the door and heads out.

Tommy's weird attitude is pushed to the back of my mind as I tear open the envelope and read the contents inside.

Hey Sis,

Sorry, it's been a while since I've written to you. Things have been more difficult here lately. But, at least I can report that we have kept that group at bay for now. We've been able to recruit some more Fireflies, trying to make our way back into Santa Barbara. This group is something else, though; they've been capturing people to make them slaves. What a world we live in now, huh? Retrogressing more and more as a species every day.

It's not pretty here, but I'm going to stay until things calm down more and Fireflies aren't dying left and right. Don't worry, I'll write as often as I can. Please stay out of trouble, okay? I'm doing this for you. When things are better, we'll go whenever you want. I have someone I want you to meet too. I know you won't really understand, but I like her a lot. I don't want to jinx anything, but maybe next time I write, I'll be able to write her name without feeling like I'm going to somehow lose her if I do. You don't approve of such feelings, but I think you'll like her.

Say hi to Tommy and Eugene for me, I miss those guys sometimes.

All my love,

Ben

I can feel some tension I've been holding onto for a long time start to relax. Like a weight I've been carrying around for a long time has finally been lifted. It feels so good to finally see his handwriting again. I feel like I can breathe, I feel lighter than I have in months. Relieved that Ben is okay.

I re-read the letter at least 3 times, standing there shaking my head in disbelief. I've been waiting for this for so long. I put the letter down on the island and took the eggs out of the oven, satisfied that they were done. I plate them and fold the seasoned vegetables into them.

"That Tommy I heard?" Joel asks me as he walks into the kitchen.

I look up at him, his damp hair was slicked back out of his face. I just stood there staring at him, looking at the scar across his nose, his brow eyes, the salt and pepper in his beard. He certainly was handsome. But I drag my eyes away from him before I get caught staring.

"Yeah, he just wanted to remind us to be at the stable within the hour. And to drop off a letter for me."

"Smells gross," Joel comments as he sits in the kitchen, watching me closely.

"Shut up," I laugh, "we both know you're lying, you can't deny your feelings for my food."

I bring a plate over to him and cut a piece off for him, "Come on," I move the fork around in front of him, "open up for the airplane! Oh, apologies, that was after your childhood. Open the barn door for the horse and buggy!"

Joel narrows his eyes at me and takes the fork from me. He tries to hide his reaction, but I speak Joel Miller pretty fluently. He tried to hide his reaction, but as soon as he pops it into his mouth, he melts and his eyes light up.

"Ellie must still be in bed," I say as I cross the kitchen to head to the back door. "I'll get her. Hey! Ellie! Your new mommy made breakfast for you!"

I hear Joel choke on his breakfast when he actually thought I opened the door and yelled outside at Ellie. He jerks around, looking like he is ready to tackle me, but he relaxes when he sees me smirking by the closed door, "Are you embarrassed, Mr. Miller?"

Joel grabs one of the other plates along with a fork and walks to the back door beside me, "I'll bring it to her."

I tilt my head and look up at him, "What? Don't want her to see me with damp hair, wearing just your shirt?"

He rolls his eyes at me and heads out the back door to give the breakfast to Ellie. I guess it does look pretty suspicious, but I am notoriously frigid; most people should just assume I don't randomly hook up with people.

I look over at Ben's letter that I left on the counter. Wonder what he would say... Say about what? Nothing happened...

I grab my own plate and start eating my breakfast, still reeling from the letter and from Tommy's weird attitude. Whatever it is, I doubt it has anything directly to do with me. He can't still be mad about what happened on the failed mission; he probably already found a couple of other people to go in our place. And we are still trying to make ourselves useful despite our injuries.

The back door opens, and Joel walks back into the kitchen, "she's still sleepin', I left it on her desk."

"What a good dad. She probably stayed up late waiting for you."

He sits back down in his seat and continues eating, "Is Tommy still angry with me for almost getting you killed?"

Joel pauses to raise an eyebrow at me, "Not to my knowledge, why?"

"When he came here and saw me, he seemed pretty upset."

"Think he's just worried about you, is all."

"Why? I'm still being a doctor and helping out. What more could he want?"

"Why is it so hard for you to believe people here have other reasons why they want you here? You think people here just want to use you, and I can understand why you would think that. But, maybe, just maybe, call me crazy, they care about you and want you to stay alive. Ever thought of that?"

"Maybe, just maybe, I'm a little too toxic for this place and the people of the uncanny valley, ever thought of that?" I counter.

"If anythin', I think Tommy's more scared about what may happen to you if I'm around."

He's mentioned himself being dangerous before, but hell, everyone who had to live outside these walls had to do sketchy shit. That's just how you survive. I don't really feel like anyone here actually holds that against him. Tommy doesn't, and he was the one who saw it firsthand. I suppose one could argue it's his brother, of course, he looks past it. But it's not that big of a deal.

I look at the letter again out of the corner of my eye. Ben knows about the things I've done, and he accepts me. He's done way less heinous shit, and I don't hold that against him or call him a pussy.

Joel looks to where my eyes have fallen and notices the letter for the first time, "Who's that from?"

"It's my letter to Santa."

"Coal for you again, huh?"

"I think I should be rewarded for hurting more people with my words instead of with my fists."

"You make a compelling argument."

"I know," I smile proudly.

Joel reaches for the letter as if it is addressed to him, "It's just a letter from my brother."

I watch him read it, and he looks somehow relieved, his brows unfurrowed and his jaw relaxed. Wonder why he seemed to be worried for me, "Must make you feel better to hear from him finally."

"Yeah, it does."

"Guess that means you'll be stayin'."

"I wouldn't hold my breath if I were you."

"Come on, you wouldn't leave Jane."

"She has Taylor," I say it more bitterly than I intended. I mean, it's safer here for her. When the time comes, as long as I can guarantee Jane's safety, I could leave without looking back.

"Speaking of him," Joel's voice pulls me out of my thoughts, "ran into Dr. Taylor too while I was out."

My body tensed up mid-chew, "Why are you trying to piss me off when you have to go on patrol with me?" Whenever Ethan's name is brought up, it makes me lose my fucking appetite. The only person in this town I can't fake nice with.

"Didn't know I was hitting such a raw nerve," Joel replies as he studies me carefully, obviously trying to do what I've done with him, cataloguing all reactions and expressions, "what's your problem with him anyway? Ain't he Jane's guy?"

My fingers clench around my fork as if it were Ethan's neck, "He doesn't have good intentions," I mutter, "I've tried to warn Jane, but she doesn't listen, says I'm wrong about him. I'm not."

"What makes you say that?"

I don't want to get into it, because it has more to do with vibes than with anything he has actually done. But I'm trying to put those feelings aside for Jane's sake. Although it doesn't matter what I do, I still have a nagging feeling at the back of my mind that he has a plan.

"People can change, you know," Joel offers as I continue to sit there in silence.

"Sure, and some people can put their past aside and become a father figure to an orphan and start a new life in a small town in Wyoming. But, we can't all change like that, can we? We can't all be the bigger person." 

Joel chuckles, undeterred by my dig at him, "Alright, alright, suppose you could start by quitin' shoving me off a cliff when I'm trying to help."

"I always bite the hand that feeds, it's my thing. And who asked for your help? You clearly have more demons you're burying deep down you don't talk about, Mr. The Pot. I'm fine with the way I am, thanks."

My survival instincts are always on. Ethan may come across as someone who is very trustworthy. He's popular among patients, he listens tentatively, and he helps out the community in any way he can. Yet, there is a darkness to him that only I seem to be able to see. So, Jane just thinks I'm overprotective and paranoid. But my instincts kept us alive on the road, not about to doubt them now.

I have no obligation to be cordial with him; I don't want to give him false hope in thinking he has somehow won me over. If he were on fire, I would try to put it out by throwing gasoline on him.

"There's that party going on next week that we will be here for," Joel clears his throat, "You going?"

I pause for a second at the sudden change in topic. Ah, he must be talking about the annual party. They clear the Mess Hall for a dance floor, play music, serve drinks and celebrate the establishment of Jackson as the safe community it is today. I think it's pointless; I've never gone to it myself. But if Joel goes, I suppose it could be interesting.

"Are you going?" I raise an eyebrow at him.

"I may be tempted to go if you do." His eyes burn into mine with a surprising amount of intensity. Making something stir deep within me.

"Awww! Miller! Am I your Jane?!"

"Shoulda known you'd start gettin' annoyin'," he mutters.

"Don't be like that, bestie!" I slap him between the shoulder blades, "Obviously, we'd become close since we just had our first slumber party! Just you wait until we start painting each other's nails and braiding each other's hair. Oh! I'll even incorporate your beard hair into a nice French braid!"

"Don't know why I forget you can't take things seriously."

"Early onset Alzheimer's, I imagine." 

"Are you done?" He chuckles as he grabs his plate and brings it to the sink.

"Yeah," I look down at my mostly empty plate and follow Joel's lead to the sink.

"We have to get goin', go to your house and get dressed,"

"Yes, sir." I salute him and leave him with the dishes so I can run to my house.

"Hey, wait!"

I assume Joel tries to call me back because I just decided to walk out, still wearing only his shirt, but who cares? Let people make their assumptions. Besides, there are not a lot of people out on our street at this time anyway. People are going to be at their positions for the day. Most of them anyway.

I'll be kind of sad to wear my own clothes. I do enjoy the looks Joel gives me when I am wearing his shirt.

It doesn't take me long to reach my house, and when I walk through the door, I can sense someone's presence right away. I walk into the living room and see Jane sitting on my couch, arms and legs crossed, looking at me sternly.

"Where have you been?!" She practically leaps off the couch when she sees me at the threshold. Her auburn hair is pulled back in a neat ponytail that swishes from side to side as she approaches me.

"Ummm, apologies, Mom, I wasn't aware there was a lecture waiting for me, a grown ass woman."

"I've been waiting for you all night! I ran to the hospital as soon as I heard about what happened, and you were gone! I decided to give you some space, but then you weren't around for hours! Why didn't you come to me?!"

"Maybe I have other friends that aren't you. Ever thought of that?" I place my hands on my hips, then flinch when I brush my staples.

"No, because you don't," she sighs, "what are you wearing?"

"My new best friend's shirt, jealous?"

Jane seems genuinely surprised, "Yeah, kinda."

"Mr. J. Miller took me drinking. You know how I do, avoid my emotions, drink and drown in my own sorrows. You know, like an adult."

She lifts up my shirt without warning me to take a look at the spot where I winced when I touched earlier, "When are you going to be more careful?" She tuts me as she stares at the bandage.

"When we're building igloos in hell," I brush past her and head upstairs, aware that she is following closely behind me.

"So, you stayed at Joel's then?"

"Yeah, he was worried I may choke on my own vomit if I was left to my own devices."

We make it to my room, and I start going through my drawers to pick out something to wear. Jane has fallen pretty silent now, which confuses me, because the air in the room is heavier, like she is holding back what she truly wants to say.

"I got a letter from Ben."

Her eyes go wide, and she smiles at me, "When?!"

"Mr. T. Miller gave this to me this morning." I hand over the letter I'm still clutching tightly in my hand.

She scans over it carefully, must have read it more than once like I did, "Thank god," she sighs with relief, "I was starting to get really worried."

"Me too."

She lays the letter on my bed and continues to stare at me like she still has something she wants to say, "What?" I'm half hoping she will just say 'nothing' and we can both move on, but I know she has something to say, and I'm afraid to know what it is.

"Why are you acting like this isn't a big deal?"

"I've received letters from Ben before, it is a relief though, since it has been so long."

"Not talking about that."

"Oh, this? Have you seen all the scars I have? I'm used to getting hurt."

"You know that's not what I mean either! You and Joel! You stayed at his place, you're wearing his shirt, you went out with him! You've never done anything like this before!"

"You're reading way too much into this, Jane," I try to downplay her.

"For someone so smart, you can be a real dumbass."

"Just drop it, Jane, please." The look I give her seems to be enough. I'm not ready to talk about this yet. I know it's different for me, and I'm not quite ready to talk about what it may mean. She knows when I'm at my limit, and I'll talk to her about it when I know myself.

"Alright," she surrenders, "I'll drop it for now if you do me a favour."

"What?" I look at her suspiciously as I try to do my buttons up while glaring at her.

"In a few days, a group of us are going to the Tipsy Bison, have some drinks and hang out for a bit. You're coming."

"Jane-"

"Nope, I'm not hearing any excuses. You are going to hang out with us, including Ethan."

"Jane!" I protest.

"I don't want to hear it! Do it for me, please. You are the 2 most important people in my life. I know you 2 have had your disagreements in the past, but things are different now."

Disagreement? That's putting it in the mildest way possible. I almost fist-fought the son of a bitch.

I look over at Jane again when she calls my name, "Please, for me. There will be other buffers there, it's not like you're a third wheel."

"Fine," I finally answer, "now, I really do have to go on patrol."

"Thank you!" She grabs my shoulders and kisses my forehead, "Be safe out there, please."

"What's that you say, Jane?" I cup my hand behind my ear, "Throw myself off a roof into a pit of clickers? I mean, a little harsh, but all right, if you insist."

Jane giggles and gives my shoulders one more squeeze before she leaves me to continue getting ready. Slowly, my nerves bubble up, thinking about being out with Ethan.

"Just give me a chance," Ethan pouted, disturbing my time in the break room.

"How many times do I have to say 'no' to you until you get it. I'm not interested, and frankly, your inability to comprehend the meaning of 'no' is a bit of a red flag." I reply, barely looking at him, just trying to focus on my lunch.

He's shown interest in me since Jane and I got here. Jane likes him, but that's not the reason why I refuse his advances. There's just something about him I don't trust.

His smile is even more fake than mine. At least I come by it honestly. He acts like this perfect doctor that people should fall over each other to praise him. For me, he reminds me of many FEDRA soldiers. They are one way in front of everyone, but when they are by themselves, or are with someone who won't say, or can't say anything, their true sides come out.

This world is a place where people like him can live more freely, giving into their darker tendencies. Why hide it when you're in FEDRA and you know there are plenty of others that have that same darkness? Maybe that's why he's attracted to me.

Jane doesn't see it; she's had a crush on him ever since we got here. I see right through him. As one faker to another, I can barely stand being in the same room as him. At least if anyone else shows an interest in me, they respect my boundaries and don't try to smother me. But he is completely different; the more I reject him, the more insistent he gets.

It's more about his pride at this point; he can't accept that I want nothing to do with him. He doesn't want to lose to someone else.

"You barely know me, it's not surprising that you don't want to give me a chance," he continues relentlessly.

"Thanks, but I don't need you when a couple of batteries can do everything you may claim you do and more."

That seems to have annoyed him. Good. He stomps around the table to me, "You really-"

"Hey," Peter says from across the room, Ethan must have forgotten he was here, "you heard her, leave her alone."

Peter for the win, I suppose he has taken up the pseudo-brother position with Ben in California. Saves me from beating the shit out of him and being kicked out for manslaughter.

I don't think it has anything to do with me personally. I just think he likes what he can't have; he's like a spoiled brat who grew up in the old world. I'm sure he is used to getting whatever girl he tries to charm. But it's much harder to manipulate a manipulator of my calibre; it's how I grew up, it's all I know.

"Please, have my seat," I stand up from my spot, "it's the closest you're ever going to get to this ass, and I've lost my appetite."

I grab my stuff and leave the room, leaving him fuming behind in the break room. I can hear a soft chuckle from Peter as I pass him.

.......

I try to bottle up my anger and push the memories away as I grab my bag and rush out of the house. The problem is, Jane doesn't see him that way at all. They've been together for a couple of years and, to my knowledge, he has been nothing but kind to her. So, nothing I've said over the years has convinced her otherwise.

But I will always trust my instincts; there is nothing I can do, though. So, if it makes her happy, and he doesn't hurt her, I'll continue to play nice.

_____________________________________________________________

You finally make it to the stable, and Joel notices right away that your attitude seems to have shifted. You were quieter than usual, no snarky remarks or witty comebacks to Tommy as he prepares you guys for the patrol.

Cedric was going with you guys too, to Joel's distain. He was meant to go out with Eugene, but since he is heading towards Boise, and you and Joel were available, Tommy wanted to give it to you guys. He figured it would be good to have Cedric there too, in case either of you gets hurt again. Which works regardless for Cedric, he was going to insist he go out regardless.

"Hey," Tommy attempts to place a hand on your shoulder, but you're still not out of it enough to not see that coming, you swerve away like you always do. You glare at him for the attempt.

"Just be safe, alright?" Tommy sighs, rubbing the back of his head, "I'm gettin' real tired of seeing you bleed."

"Sure," is all you reply as you hop up on Chase and get ready to leave.

"Nice to see you too," Cedric laughs as you continue to ignore everyone around you.

"Moore," you nod at him and then look at Joel, "Miller."

Joel greets you by name instead of 'Boston'. You look over at him and smile apologetically at him, a look Cedric glared at, before facing forward and focusing on the route.

Cedric nudges his horse faster so he can ride next to you, "You alright? You drank quite a lot last night."

"I'm good." You shrug him off.

"Hope you're not planning on ditching Jane at the Tipsy Bison. You have some time to recover before that."

"Huh? You know about that?"

"Jane invited me too."

You thought to yourself, you're going to have a word with her later. Is she planning on inviting everyone that annoys you just to see how far she can push your limits?

Joel observes you 2 silently. Glaring holes in the back of Cedric's head, he can't help but feel a little jealous when he sees you two together. Even if you claim your relationship with him is now platonic. He still feels angry when he sees him trying to make conversation with you. Because Joel knows what he is trying to do.

He doesn't have to worry for too long, as Cedric is forced to give up trying to start a conversation with you. He wonders why you're in such a weird mood all of a sudden. You seemed to be in a remarkably good mood earlier. What had happened?

You guys reach your first checkpoint on the route, an old gas station. You decide to split up and look around the area, then go inside the gas station to sign in.

You all leave in different directions to circle the area. You were still consumed in your thoughts, wondering how you're going to get along with Ethan without ruining your relationship with Jane. But also frustrated with her, frustrated that she seems to be blind to some of the red flags.

Maybe he's different, maybe ever since he started dating her, he's better now. You like to think that being close to Jane made you a less jaded and unapproachable human. Who's to say the same thing can't be said about Ethan?

But, no matter how much you try to convince yourself otherwise, there is still a nagging feeling at the back of your mind that you just can't shake. Then you remind yourself that Joel seems to be a better person because of Ellie. You know he used to be a hunter; however, he seems to be a different person now after bonding with Ellie and becoming her father figure.

You head back toward the gas station, and you can feel someone else is around. You squint into the gas station and you see some infected inside. You counted at least 5 from where you are standing.

You walk carefully to the side of the building and climb the ladder at the back building onto the roof. You decide to wait there, warn Joel and Cedric, so you can warn them and take them out together from the roof.

Joel is the first one to come back, he sees you on the roof and heads up there automatically, excited when he didn't see Cedric around. As he gets closer, he can hear the familiar clicking sounds of the infected inside the building.

"See somethin'?" He grunts as he joins you.

"Bunch of clickers inside, probably a few runners too. Thinking of shooting once Moore gets back, draw them out and take them out from up here."

"Surprised the roof hasn't collapsed yet," Joel mutters as he walks around the big hole in the roof.

"Yeah," you reply, looking into the gas station below.

"Think there's anythin' worth while still in there?" Joel asks.

"Maybe, last time I was here, when I searched, someone left behind some of those Whether's Original candy things. I can give you some if you like, they are tasty."

"Oh yeah, 'cause I'm old, I love Whether's, hilarious. You need to think of new material; you can do better."

"No, because they are delicious butterscotch candies. Wow, Miller, has anyone ever told you you're a little ageist?"

"That's it," Joel grumbles as he lifts you up, making you squeal, "Go on, take her." He holds you up to the hole as if to sacrifice you to the infected.

You can't help but laugh and struggle against him, "Who's going to cook for you with me being ripped apart by infected?"

"... Oh, right." He immediately sets you back down.

You were surprised how easily he touched you without you reacting in your usual way. You knew it was coming and didn't bother to fight it. If anything, you welcomed it. You're trying not to think about it too much, but you can't deny that it's a big deal. You've never acted like this before.

"What are you guys doing?" Cedric asks you suspiciously as he climbs onto the roof as well, after seeing you and Joel up there.

"Miller was going to sacrifice me to the clickers unless I cook for him exclusively."

Cedric glares at you as Joel starts shooting toward the front of the gas station to draw the infected out. Perfect timing, you thought to yourself.

There ended up being 8 infected in total. You guys took them out swiftly before going back down into the store. You wondered why 8 infected were gathered here, but you didn't have to wonder that for long.

It looked like some looters were hiding out in here; clearly, they attracted some infected with them. They must have been in a huge hurry if they didn't see the ladder leading up to the roof, or maybe they arrived from the front and didn't bother to go around back to see the ladder.

There were 3 bodies that were torn open, lying on the floor. The bodies didn't look that old, looked like they had been there for a few days.

Cedric signs in the book and describes how many infected were taken out, as well as the looters' bodies. After he's finished, you guys head for the horses and set off again.

You are all silent until you are closing in on your next checkpoint. There seems to be some weird tension in the air, mainly between Joel in Cedric. You guessed it was because Cedric was clearly jealous of Joel.

The next checkpoint is an old farmer's market, long abandoned stalls that used to sell fresh produce from farmers around the county.

You guys agree to split up again and search the area around the market. You break away from Joel and Cedric. Joel heads off in another direction, and instead of going off in his own direction, Cedric stays close to Joel.

Joel doesn't notice at first, trying to keep his mind occupied on the mission, "Somethin' you need?"

"Just had a question."

"Alright."

"You and she have been getting closer lately. First, you insist on going out on patrols with her, you volunteer to go to Boise with her, and then you take her out to the bar. Then you even left the bar with her last night, and now here you are, with her again." Cedric stares at Joel, waiting for him to respond.

"None of that was a question, those were observations," Joel responds.

"Why have you guys been hanging out so much?" He glares at Joel.

"Why do you care?" Joel retorts, even though he knows the answer.

"Bet you think you're pretty close with her now." The scene of Joel picking you up and you not minding has been burned into Cedric's mind. He's been trying to get closer to you for years, you still shy away from his touch. Even though you guys slept together once, it did nothing for your relationship like he hoped it would.

"Not really." Joel shrugs.

"Just so you know, I have history with her." But that history has done nothing for the relationship he had hoped you guys would build.

"Not sure why you feel the need to tell me that. If we're being honest though, you could say I got history with her too." Though the history was much different, it still exists, even if you don't remember it. He doesn't know why he is letting Cedric get to him. Maybe it's because he's known you for longer, but Joel is clearly closer to you. It's evident by the way you interact with him. Anyone who knows you can see that.

Tommy can see it in Joel too, how different Joel is when he is around you. How he's never seen him this way in a very long time.

Cedric's anger is starting to rise, "I wouldn't read too much into her spending time with you, she's good at making you feel important. It's how she has kept herself alive for as long as she has. She just feels sympathy for you and Ellie, that's why she's acting like that."

"Apparently, you don't know her as well as you say," Joel can't help but chuckle, "does she really seem like the kind of person who would do that? You say you know her, but she wouldn't waste her time doing somethin' that doesn't benefit her."

"I was trying to put it nicely," Cedric was getting flustered now, "Getting close to people she feels like she can use is a hallmark of her personality. You're just someone new she's trying to figure out how she can use."

God, Joel hoped that was the case. He figured he wouldn't mind being used by you in certain ways.

"But, she finds comfort in me," Cedric continues, "I'm one of the constants in her life since Boston. I wouldn't want you to read too much into her actions."

Joel kind of finds it amusing how much he is trying to make himself seem like a threat to Joel, "That a fact? I haven't seen much of that, to be honest."

If anything, this conversation just confirms what he has been feeling and proves that he is not making up things in his head when it comes to interpreting your actions.

Cedric steps in front of Joel, stopping him, "Listen, Joel, you can think what you want. But also know that if I want, I can have her back against my bed whenever I want, legs in the air with her screaming my name. So, if I were you, I wouldn't get too comfortable."

Joel's hands clench into fists, he has to really restrain himself from hearing Cedric speaking about you like that. There has been tension building between the 2, Cedric's jealousy of how effortlessly Joel seems to get along with you, and how you seem very willing to spend time with him and let him in, lowering your near-impenetrable walls. And Joel is jealous of the intimate history you had with Cedric, no matter how brief, no matter that it was only one time. Cedric is trying whatever he can to deter Joel from spending time with you, but it's not going to work on Joel.

Joel doesn't want to deal with high school bullshit. To Joel, there is no competition. Though the comment about him taking you to bed really pissed him off.

Then they both turn away when they hear an arrow zip past them and embed itself into a nearby stalker that Joel and Cedric hadn't noticed was getting closer to them. Too distracted by their conversation.

They finally turn to see you walking toward them, shouldering your bow, "Can you 2 put the measuring tape away and zip up, we're on patrol here. Aren't I supposed to be the one who fucks around and gets distracted? You know we're screwed when I'm the serious one. Let's go."

You had run into a few stalkers in the market, and one of them noticed Joel and Cedric as they circled back to the market. You didn't hear their conversation, but you could tell there was tension between them. You didn't want to know what it was anyway.

The rest of the short patrol route was mostly quiet. Joel and Cedric did not really want to be around each other, and the tension between the 2 of them was making you uncomfortable, and you just wanted to get the patrol over with.

You were kind of done with the day, still feeling hungover from the night before. Still feeling pissed off at Ethan and Jane a little bit. You just wanted to go home and be by yourself. Joel seemed to sense this, and he made the decision to leave you be, letting you go through whatever you are going through.

Though he very badly wanted to pick your brain and find out what is occupying your mind. But he had to keep telling himself it wasn't his business.

Cedric, on the other hand, kept trying to get you talking, but that just pissed you off more. He was trying very hard to prove to Joel, and himself, you got along with as well, that there was a chance for him. But he was failing miserably.

After you cleared your last checkpoint and returned to Jackson, you were done with Cedric and the weird tension between him and Joel. You prefer to unsaddle and tend to Chase yourself; it was therapeutic in a way.

Cedric says goodbye to you and reminds you about the Tipsy Bison. You merely wave without looking at him. Joel hangs around a bit longer than he usually does, tending to his own horse, making himself available in case you needed someone to rant to. He has been that person for you for a little while now.

You didn't even realize that he stayed back at first, so when you were leading Chase out to the paddock, you were surprised to see him there. "How long have you been there?" You squint at him.

"You're the one with the amazing senses, you didn't notice I was still here."

"... No."

"Not as good as I thought you were." He teases you.

"Shut up."

"You good?" He asks you, looking at you seriously, knowing your frustration goes way beyond Cedric.

"Yes, don't worry," you manage to offer him a small, reassuring smile.

Joel nods when he is satisfied that you're okay, and you go your separate ways. Joel goes back home to explain things to Ellie, he hasn't had a chance to talk to her since he went straight to the bar with you after the hospital and she was asleep by the time you guys arrived at the house last night.

You left to go see what needs to be done at the hospital, since Peter left on the Boise trip. You drag your feet there, wishing you could go back with Joel too.

______________________________________________________________

It has been a few more days since I've seen her. She's been stuck working at the hospital, taking care of Dr. Wilson's patients while he is gone. I haven't seen her around at all, and Ellie's been asking me about her ever since we got back. Of course she had questions when she saw me. Apparently, she has been waiting up for me, then eventually fell asleep. She was more than a little surprised to wake up to see an omelette on her desk.

She's been asking me when I think she'll start giving her lessons. Who knows with her, her schedule is pretty unpredictable I've been busy on patrols with Tommy, at least he has stopped asking me questions about her though. I don't know what it is with him when it comes to her, but he seems to have gotten over it, thankfully.

I sigh heavily as I walk up my front porch steps, getting ready to just lie down for a while. Definitely starting to feel my age now, gotta stay awake though, promised Ellie a movie night tonight.

I'm confused when I hear Ellie talking to someone else. My heart skips a beat when I recognize the other voice, "It's not all about strength, Ellie, all of my opponents are technically stronger than me. Flexibility is important for mobility, and it really improves your balance."

"You're such a show off!"

"The hell?" I walk in to see on my left, Ellie is attempting to stretch out her legs, while to my right, she is in a full split on the floor, lecturing Ellie about the importance of flexibility.

... It's like she's fucking doing this on purpose because she knows it's going to rile me up.

"Hey, Miller," she smiles up at me like she knows what she is doing is driving me fucking insane, "how low can you go?"

"What are you doing?" I look down at her suspiciously.

"Teaching Ellie how to improve her flexibility and how important it is," she shrugs as she leans forward in her front split, props her elbows on the floor and rests her chin in her hands.... Making my thoughts go wild as usual.

"People aren't supposed to bend like that," Ellie protests, "some of us have bones in our limbs, not noodles."

"Flexibility is essential for fluid motion and it makes straining your muscles less likely. Start by practicing those stretches I taught you, and don't be discouraged. It takes a long time to build up your flexibility. Just don't strain too much, listen to your body, if you start shaking, pull back a bit out of the stretch, there's no rush. Being familiar with your body and how it moves is essential for defence, especially if you can't see."

She folds her legs back up underneath her and stands up. She starts walking away from me, but I can tell she has something planned; it's her, it can't just end there. The way I study and stare at her has helped me figure out when she is planning to attack.

She tries to pull a fancy maneuver by back flipping suddenly closer to me, lands on her left leg and kicks up at me. I catch her leg before it can connect with the side of my head as she high kicks at me.

She giggles, "See Ellie?" She kicks her other leg up hard, making me let go of her right foot. Before I can react, she lets her body fall on the floor and jerks her body so she is in front of me. She raises her left leg and hooks her foot around the back of my knee, lifts her right leg, and places her foot on my hip. I try to shove her leg away, but she just lets me push it and hooks it around behind my left knee and switches her right foot to my hip.

She grabs my collar as I bend down to get her legs off me. She pulls me forward, so I automatically use my hands to stabilize myself so I don't hit my head against the floor. She places her left foot back at my hip, and the right one pushes through the space between my arms and wraps it around my neck. She trapped my right shoulder and neck between her thighs. Not a bad place to be, I'll admit.

"Flexibility matters, and conditioning those legs like I told you." She laughs, "Oh, shit," she releases me from her grip as she looks at the clock, "I have to go."

"Are you sure you have to go?" Ellie whines, "You should stay! We're having movie night!"

"Sorry," she straightens herself up, "But I made a promise to Jane that she could make me uncomfortable by making me hang out with people I don't want to hang out with... Because we're friends or something and that's what friends do."

"Sounds lame."

"Incredibly."

"Ellie," I interrupt them, "have you picked a movie?"

"No! I'll go get one. Thanks again!" Ellie gives her a high five as she leaves the house to go to her shed.

She watches Ellie go and then looks at me again before skipping past me to go into the kitchen, "Do help yourself, Boston."

"Always do!" She laughs as she grabs a glass of water. She turns around and studies me as she drinks, "You are looking stiff too, Mr. Miller. Muscles so tense, I give a good massage too, you know."

"Oh my god," I groan, I don't know how much longer I can take this, " you enjoy toyin' with old men?"

"Mhmm," she smiles proudly, "do you enjoy watching young women quietly drinking their water?" She maintains eye contact with me as she drinks. 

"Just one," I smirk at her as I steal her glass of water and finish it off, getting her back from our night out when she stole my whiskey.

"Enjoy the view," she returns my smirk and starts walking toward the front door.

"You could stay, you know," I couldn't stop myself from saying it, I just don't want her to go. Not seeing her drives me insane. 

"I would love to," she said, surprisingly genuinely, "but, you know, adults have to do things they don't want to do, for people they do like. I made a promise."

"You're welcome to stop by afterward if you promise to make breakfast in the mornin'."

She turns to look at me fully before she disappears out the door, "Who knows, maybe I'll stumble through your door by mistake. Bye, Miller." She winks at me as she leaves.

I leaned against the wall, watching her go, more specifically, the gentle sway of her ass as she moved. What am I doing? Things are getting more heated... on both ends it seems. Can't tell if she just likes to wind me up for the fun of it, or if she feels it too. Both options are valid, or maybe she just likes to manipulate people. A tough habit to break after living for FEDRA for years.

"What are you looking at?" Ellie asks as she comes up behind me.

"Nothin'," I respond to her, ruffling her hair as she looks up at me suspiciously.

She looks from me to the door where she had disappeared from view, "You like her."

"Okay," I sigh, walking to the living room, "picked a movie?"

To my relief, Ellie didn't push me any more on the subject, just left her statement hanging in the air. I am not ready to have this kind of conversation with anyone right now.

______________________________________________________________

"There you are!" Jane smiles brightly at me as I enter the Tipsy Bison, "I've been telling Ethan about your new lover!"

"'New lover' assumes I've had one before. And you promised you wouldn't tell anyone about Maria." I counter as I sit in one of the vacant seats at the large table. Maintaining a comfortable distance from Ethan's fake smile.

"Joel, idiot."

"Ah," I pull my chair in as a round of drinks is being passed around, "apologies, I thought you would respect my privacy." I shoot a glare at Jane, knowing I'm going to have to deal with Cedric and Spencer, who are also here, staring at me hungrily.

"For someone who can dish it, you sure have a hard time taking it sometimes," Jane scolds me, completely unfazed by my glares.

"For someone who can't fight, you sure pick the wrong person to provoke," I reply. I'm already annoyed at her for making me come here with everyone, but now she wants to bring Joel up?

"Cheers!" She giggles at my discomfort, immune to my attitude.

I'm not going to even try to fake it, I don't want to be here. She waved over a few others that I didn't know very well. They greeted me too, I nod at them stiffly, not happy with the number of people accumulating at the table.

My mind really isn't in this little get-together. I just quietly sip my beer and only acknowledge the conversation when forced. I would much rather be watching a movie with Joel and Ellie. It would be quiet, apart from the moments where Ellie probably interrupts the movie to talk about the scene and what is happening.

Asking questions about whether things like that would really happen in the old world. Joel wouldn't get annoyed by it though, I'm sure he enjoys any excuse to connect with her. She is a teenager after all, trying to figure herself out in this weird world. They do have a really sweet father-daughter relationship. Joel is trying his best to do right by her. 2 broken people who came together and made each other feel whole again.

Though there is that lingering darkness, the lie that is between them. I may not know the full story, but there is something Joel is lying about. To me and Ellie. And, to be fair, he doesn't owe me the truth for anything. But if he keeps things from Ellie, it's going to blow up in his face eventually. Ellie is a smart girl, I'm sure she can already sense something is off. I mean, I could sense something was off; there is more to their encounter with the Fireflies than what he is saying. But, Ellie feels so grateful to have Joel that she doesn't push the matter... For now, maybe.

Or perhaps I'm misinterpreting. There is something about the situation there that is keeping me at bay a bit. It's like I want to be closer to him, but he's hiding something... Am I just making myself think that because I want an excuse to keep myself away? Not like I haven't done that before.

Am I making up these assumptions? I am treating it like he feels something too, maybe he doesn't, he seems just as frigid as me. No, I see the way he stares at me when he thinks I'm not paying attention. Lust is one thing, though; it doesn't mean he will act on those feelings; fantasizing and actually doing are very different things. I fantasize about using Ethan as my own personal sharps bin, doesn't mean I'm going to do it... I will think it though.

"You've been quiet," someone suddenly says from next to me. I look to my right and am appalled to see Ethan sitting there.

"'Cause every time I talk to you, I want to throw the fuck up." I reply, looking to see where Jane went. I spot her at the bar picking up more drinks, I don't know if I should have anymore, I'm already feeling lightheaded.

I cringe when Ethan says my name to get my attention again, "Jane and I have been together for a long time now. Don't you think it would make her happy to know we get along?"

"We're not a thrupple, I feel no obligation to interact with you. I'm doing a favour for Jane every time I choose not to punch your smug face in whenever I am around you."

"Don't be like that," he sighs, "we were friends once, when are you going to start opening up to me again."

"During my autopsy."

I wouldn't say we were ever friends. We are co-workers, and I have tolerated him in the past. But I've always seen through him.

He chuckles and greets Jane as she sits back down, handing out drinks again. Ethan shoves mine closer and I take a bit sip of it... More like half of it in one go.

"Wow," Jane looks at me with concern, "wait for the rest of us to catch up."

She sits down next to me again, "What's wrong?"

"Music," I answer, "there is music playing and we're not dancing."

Jane smiles at me gently, though I can see she is still concerned about me, she agrees to play along, "let's go then."

There are a couple of other people dancing in the back of the bar. It's not exactly a dance floor, but it was enough, and it was nice to get some distance between Ethan and I.

"Are you going to tell me what's going on now? What's on your mind?" Jane asks as we dance together.

I avert my eyes from her, "Miller." I grumble.

Her smile widens, "I knew it! What has happened between you 2?!"

"Nothing has happened, things just feel.... Different with him."

Jane knows I don't know how to talk about this, I haven't felt like this toward anyone before. So, I'm having a hard time putting it into an easily digestible sentence.

"Tell me when you're ready," she reassured me and twirled me around.

That only worsens my dizziness. I grab onto her shoulders for support, waiting for my vision to stabilize. "Are you okay?" She asks as she watches me closely.

"Think I had a little too much to drink," I smile, trying to reassure her. But something didn't seem right. I've felt like this before, not for a long time though, and it is distinctly different than being drunk. I don't want to worry Jane in case I'm just being paranoid with all the people around.

"Have I fulfilled my best friend obligations for the night?"

She brushes some hair out of my eyes, "You're sweating."

"Yeah, I just need some air, kind of hot in here. Plus, we were dancing. So, head back to the table, I'm going to head home."

"I'll walk you home," she insists, getting ready to leave with me. She's too good to me sometimes.

"No," I shake my head and walk her back to the table, trying to keep a steady gate, "stay with Ethan, have fun, okay? Don't worry about me."

"If you're sure," she gives me a concerned look as I push her back down into her chair.

"Bye, everyone," I wave to the people at the table, some of whom I didn't even really know personally.

Of course, a few of them offered to walk me home, but all I had to do was glare at them, and they left me alone. But for how long?

I waited outside the bar for a few minutes, clutching the side of the building, waiting for the nausea and dizziness to pass. I also wanted to make sure no one was following me.

When I'm satisfied, I start heading toward my place. But something is still not sitting right, this isn't me, I didn't drink that much... Something is wrong.

______________________________________________________________________

I woke up suddenly when I heard a sound downstairs. Automatically, I grab my gun and head downstairs quietly. It sounded like a window opening downstairs. It wouldn't be Ellie; she has a key to the house.

When I make it down the stairs, I realize the sound is coming from the kitchen. I make my way into the kitchen and am very surprised at what I see.

I tried calling her name, but she seemed too focused on getting through the window to hear me. I lower my gun and lean against the threshold, watching her struggle.

Once she makes it through the window, she gasps as her ass falls into the sink. She can't stop herself from laughing at the predicament she put herself in.

"Get out of my sink," I shake my head at her, "I don't trust that you won't drown with the state you're in."

"Miller!" She beams when she sees me, making me have that familiar feeling in my chest, "my knight in shining cotton!" She holds her arms out to me.

I lift her out of the sink and pour her a glass of water, "What are you doin' here?"

I place the glass of water on the counter when I see her staggering on her feet. She can barely stand up straight; she's worse than she was last time she drank. I sigh and lift her up to sit her on the island countertop, so I can be more eye level with her.

"You want to hear something?" She smirks as she allows me to place her on the counter and accepts the water with a nod.

I squint at her suspiciously, "How much did you have to drink?"

"I couldn't go home tonight," she says after she drinks some water, "I'm pretty sure someone drugged me." She laughs like it's no big deal.

I feel my stomach drop, "What are you talking about? Are you sure?"

"Come on, Miller," she rolls her eyes, "it wasn't until I reached the age of like 20 before I realized the ground wasn't always shaky and my eyes could actually see straight. I have been drugged before."

"That's ain't funny."

"Didn't say it was," she pauses and tries to concentrate.

"I only had like," she looks at her fingers like she's discovered them for the first time, "like 3 beers," she holds up 4 fingers.

I bend one more down for her, "Ah!" She giggles, "Didn't see that one."

Her tolerance is higher than just a few beers, plus she is acting even stranger. Her eyes seem to have a hard time focusing. I grab her face and force her to steady her gaze on me, "Who was there? I want all of their names."

"Like a bunch of people," she scrunches up her face as she tries to remember, "Jane, Moore, Mercer, Taylor... Others... even more others..."

I grind my teeth as I try to stop myself from marching down to the Tipsy Bison, but I'm not leaving her alone. All I can see is red.

"So," she continues, "I didn't want to go home, in case someone followed me. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here. It's not your job to take care of me."

"No," I scold her, "always come here, especially if you're feeling unsafe."

"Thanks," she tilts her head and bites her lip as she stares at me.

"Don't do that," I warn her.

"Why," she smirks and reaches her hands up to my face.

"You know why."

"I want to hear you say it." Her fingers run through my hair, making me shiver as her nails gently scratch my scalp.

I lift my hand to her face again and brush her cheek with my thumb, "Why do you let me touch you?"

"Guess." Her eyes burn into mine.

I step away from her automatically; she's not in her right mind... If this continues... I already have a hard enough time controlling myself around her.

"Aw, afraid of me, Mr. Miller?"

"That ain't it, and you know it. It's just that when this does go further, you're going to remember every second of it. You'll be in your right mind enough to lose it for what I plan on doing to you."

She always gets this side out of me. I can't hold it back, like I don't want to be subtle about it, I don't want to leave any questions to my intentions. There's no use denying how I feel. And clearly she feels something too.

"I look forward to it." She slides off the countertop and lands clumsily on her feet.

"C'mon, I'll take you upstairs, okay?"

"I'm good down here," she yawns and heads for the couch.

"Go to my bed, it's more comfortable than the couch."

"Your old bones can't handle the couch," she kicks her shoes off and sits on the couch.

"What did I say?" I grumble as I watch her lie back on the couch, "take the bed."

"I'm good here."

"You're afraid you're going to fall down the stairs if you try to go up them, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"Idiot," I chuckle and pick her up, "my old bones can handle it, I've laid on much worse." I reassure her as I start heading up the stairs with her, "I'll make sure you're safe, don't worry."

"You don't have to give up your bed for me again. You have a big enough bed, you can sleep there too. I promise to keep my hands to myself."

It's not her hands I'm worried about. She feels safe with me, even though every time I see her I have to force myself to not pounce on her. The closer she gets, the more time I spend with her just makes everything more and more difficult to keep my hands to myself.

I drop her the second I reach my bed, as if the longer my hands were on her, the harder it was going to be to let go.

"Can I borrow another one of your shirts?"

"Doesn't seem to matter what I say, you'll take one anyway."

"You're learning!" She claps and stumbles to my dresser.

I need to walk away right now, but I can't take my eyes off her. She takes her shirt off slowly, like she knows I'm watching. Her back is to me, she looks at me over her shoulder, "Can you help me with my bra, Miller?" She winks at me.

I groan and exit the room before I can change my mind. Her musical laugh follows me down the stairs, knowing all too well what she is doing to me. Now, I have to get ready for another sleepless night with periodic trips to the bathroom to deal with the ridiculous amount of hormones that I haven't had to deal with since I was a teenager and since the last time she stayed the night.

I settle myself down on the couch, staring up at the dark ceiling. Who would drug her? Cedric, maybe, he was pretty angry the more she refused his advances. Spencer seems to have a thing for her, too. Could it be him? Someone else entirely? Maybe I should talk to Tommy; maybe he would have a better idea.

When I do find out who it is, I don't know if I will be able to stop myself from going back to my old ways and dealing with them in the worst way possible...

I don't have any proof, only theories. I need to think it through more to figure it out. I'll get to the bottom of this, how dare someone do that to her. No one is taking her from me. No one is going to take advantage of her. She's mine.

I close my eyes and sigh, there's no hope for me, she's got me wrapped around her little finger and she knows it. She won't be smirking like that for long, though, when she is nothing but a pile of want and need beneath me. I'll get the last laugh. 

Chapter Text

“Hurry, Jane!” I pull her with me as she starts to slow down. Evidently, I wasn’t the only one choked, beaten and stabbed; Jane was too. The adrenaline is fading from our bloodstreams.

We’re so close to Tess’ apartment, we can’t give up now. When we reach her door, I bang on it loud enough to get her attention, but not too loud as to attract potential other people in the area.

We can hear someone walk slowly to the door, pausing, probably to check the peephole in the door. When she sees who it is, she opens the door and ushers us in, “What are you doing here?” She hisses at us.

“The soldiers were playing with us; it did not end well for them.”

“What were you playing pat-a-cake with a machete and their faces?” She asks as she looks at all the blood on us, “What did they do now?” Tess stares at me like she is trying to inventory all my injuries. Like a big sister, almost.

Once we enter Tess’ apartment, Jane collapses, and I’m too weak to hold her up. All I can do is help her fall in a way where she doesn’t hit the ground as hard and doesn’t hit her head.

“What did you do?” Tess looks at me seriously.

“I was just trying to help my brother,” I almost cried, frustration taking over me as my emotions got the best of me, and panic started setting in, “but he’s working with the Fireflies and FEDRA found out! I don’t know how!”

“Calm down,” she grabs my shoulders, trying to focus me, “why did you come here?”

“You said you owed me after I helped you,” I remind her, “get Jane out of here.”

Tess looks at me seriously, almost like she wants to choke me out for the demand, “Are you insane! They are looking for you guys! What you’re asking me isn’t simple! You know how difficult it will be to smuggle out two of FEDRA’s pets!”

“I’m not asking you to smuggle out 2 pets, just one,” I correct her, “this is for Jane to escape.”

“What about you? You’re the one they will be after!”

“Jane will die!”

“You’ll die!” She argues back, “Look at you!”

“You need a distraction. They are chasing after me; there will be fewer soldiers looking for Jane if they see me.”

Tess bites her lip and looks at me uncomfortably. I know I’m asking a lot, but she is the one who told me she would help me in the future after I helped her.”

“Clear your table and help me with her, I don’t have much time.” I insist. 

Tess nods and helps me carry Jane over to her table. She grabs first aid supplies from her room as I assess Jane. She has a couple of stab wounds in her abdomen; they need to be cleaned and stitched up.

“Why are you risking your life like this?” Tess grumbles as she passes me a bottle of saline.

“She got these wounds because she was trying to save me; she’s more important to me than I am.”

“That’s stupid.”

“Don’t you have someone in your life like that? Someone you would give up everything for? Someone you would give your life to save?”

Tess doesn’t answer, just continues to watch me work on Jane. She didn’t have to say anything; she does, and I know who it is. It has to be whoever she calls ‘Texas’.

I wince as my body finally starts to feel the extent of my own injuries. At least the bullet in the gunshot wound wasn’t a through-and-through; the bullet is stopping me from bleeding out completely... From that particular hole, anyway. 

There are deeper cuts to my thighs when that soldier was over me, stripping away my clothes before Jane made her move.

“You need to be stitched up too.” Tess says as she tries to grab the medical supplies from me.

“Just bandage me up, I don’t have a lot of time,” I mumble as I pull the supplies back.

“Listen to me,” Tess tries to grab my face to force me to look on her, but I shy away as usual.

“Come on, really?” Tess sighs, “I’m like your big sister.”

“Habit.” I brush her hands aside and focus on Jane again.

“You aren’t going to last like this. What is Jane going to do if you die? How is she going to survive out there on her own?”

“She’s tougher than what you give her credit for,” I tie off my first set of stitches, “even if I don’t make it, she will. She knows where to look for my brother. He’ll keep her safe.”

“She’ll go to Lincoln,” Tess insists, “and so will you if you get out of this. I got a friend there, Bill. Give him my name and he will help you get a car. That way, you can get to your brother faster and safer.”

I pause as I finish flushing out Jane’s other stab wounds, “Come with us,” I say to her quietly, “what’s there to like here? There’s got to be better places out there.”

“You’re starting to sound like your brother,” Tess notes, “I have people here I need to protect. People who rely on me.”

I don’t push the topic any further; I know who she is probably talking about, Mr. Texas. I finish up Jane’s stitches and watch Tess literally try to put a Band-Aid over a bullet wound.

“Got any pressure tape?” I ask her.

“Sure, it’s right next to my fully stocked hospital closet. Right next to my mechanical ventilators, sterile dressings, chest tubes, my nurses station with trained RNs, extra organs sitting in coolers and-“

“Shut up! I get it, stupid question.”

“You should know, you work in the hospital.”

“You’re welcome for smuggling the things I was able to get for you.” I glare at her. I mean, I know it hasn’t been that much, only what I could sneak out.

She grunts in response as I shove her hands away, along with her supplies, “Save these, you don’t know when you’re going to need them. You’re not going to have me smuggling supplies from the hospital anymore. Are you taking her out of Zone 5? That’s the area they will pull soldiers from if Banks wants me found. It’s the only area he will choose to let be unguarded for an amount of time.”

“I’ll tell her to meet you in Lincoln, follow the traps, and you’ll find Bill."

“Thank you, Tess… I’ve always loved you. Just give me one goodbye kiss, make my fantasy a reality.” I pucker my lips and close my eyes. 

“Why? So you can suck out my soul and rob me of the will to live like everyone else that gets close to you?”

“You noticed!” I exclaim excitedly.

“Get out of here and take things seriously for once. I really hope you make it out.”

“Me too.”

I nod at her before I duck out of her apartment. Yes, I want to cause a distraction, but I also want to grab my father’s textbooks. At least as many as I can carry.

I raise my gun as I turn around corners and make my way to the front of the building. My breath catches in my throat when I see FEDRA soldiers start to pull up in vehicles in the area.

I hide in the shadows as they split up and look for Jane and me. I look at the vehicles they have left behind, and they have left only 2 soldiers to guard them in case any civilians are feeling bold.

Unlucky for them, I’m feeling absolutely titillated with the thought of getting their blood on my hands and taking one of those motorcycles. I don’t want to use guns; I can’t draw attention to myself. So I wait for my opportunity as the soldiers circle around the vehicles and look around the area.

I find an opening, grab my knife and slit one of the soldiers’ throats, lifting up his mask to cover his mouth to muffle the gurgled sounds coming out. I then circle around to the other and jump on his back, using the knife in the same way I used it on his partner.

With them taken care of, I hop on one of the motorcycles. How fortunate for them to use these; they are able to get around more easily. How nice of them to be so comfortable leaving the keys in the vehicles. Their incompetence knows no limits, when they are too confident in their capabilities. 

I start up the bike and leave the area as quickly as I can. I’m able to get about halfway to my apartment before FEDRA catches up to me. Fuck. It’s time to lead them further away.

Trucks are deployed to follow me up streets and down alleyways, they are getting so close I can hear the crackle of their radios. They know the streets better than me, I can’t deny that. But fuck them if they think I’m not going to try like hell to beat them at their own game.

I duck as I hear gunshots behind me, and I swerve as much as I can to give them a harder target to shoot at. A couple of their bullets hit the tires of the bike and I start to loose control of the motorcycle, still going at a high speed, not deterred.

There’s nothing I can do, my steering is fucked, and all I can do is watch as the building gets closer, nothing I can do to stop it. I crash hard, my pelvis hitting the handlebars hard before I fall from the bike. All I can feel is pain, I try to move but my legs won’t work, something is severely wrong.

A couple of soldiers approach me, and I reach for my gun again, shooting at them as they get closer. But I can’t see straight, and my aim is shit because of it.

I scream in agony as one of the soldiers lifts me up harshly and carries me, I’m assuming to my death. But his radio crackles after he says he’s found me. I hear a voice on the radio answer him, “Banks wants her alive.”

“Yes, sir.”

Fuck… That is worse than death…

Suddenly, more gunshots sound, and I can see soldiers duck as someone seems to be shooting at them. Are those Fireflies?

The soldier carrying me drops me, and I flop helplessly to the ground, broken bones creaking and groaning. Cool, leave me here to bleed out, please. I can only whimper at the pain now, my lungs can’t expand enough for me to scream, broken ribs too, probably.

FEDRA forgets about me briefly as they chase after the Fireflies. I’m sure they know I’m helpless; I’m not going anywhere on my own. They can leave me here and pick me up later.

I don’t know how long I was lying there for, I blacked out for a bit. I could have been here for hours, could have been seconds. The sounds of gunshots are more distant now, signalling that the fight has left the area for now.

I think I hear footsteps close by. I turn my head in that direction and I see a man walking by the alley. I muster up as much strength as I can to get the man’s attention.

“…H… Help…”

…

I jerk awake suddenly, with the feeling like I’m going to throw up. I notice I’m breathing too shallowly, and I try to take some deep breaths. It’s not just from what happened last night, but also from that dream… That memory… I remember the events leading up to it… But I don’t remember what happened between that moment and when I woke up in the hospital. Is the memory too painful?

I look next to me to see a glass of water. Joel must have left that at some point. I looked out the window and noted how high in the sky the sun is. He let me sleep in for a while. I wonder if I should go back to my house now. I don’t want to make things weird for Ellie; she is still around, I imagine.

There’s a soft knock on the door as Joel warns me that he is about to come in, “Hey.”

“Hi,” I half-smile at him, staring at me from the doorway.

“You okay?”

“Sure, nothing I haven’t experienced before…” I avert my eyes from his and stare at my hands, twiddling my thumbs, embarrassed that I came here again last night, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here.”

“Don’t worry about it, not my first time looking after you.”

“It’s just… I’d rather come here when I’m in my right mind, you know…” I don’t know how to phrase it. I can’t remember everything I’ve said while I’ve been here drunk or drugged, but I remember enough to know that I’m embarrassing. I don’t know how Joel feels, and I don’t want to make him feel awkward.

“Then come when you’re in your right mind, it ain't complicated. It’s like you say, we’re friends, right?”

“Yeah,” I look up at him again, “as my friend, you are not to tell my other friend about me being drugged.”

“The only thing we have in common is you. What else am I going to talk to Jane about?”

“Investment banking and mortgage rates?” I suggest.

“I meant something relevant.”

I offer him a lopsided smile and down the entire glass of water that is next to me. I’m not feeling particularly flirty this morning. So, I guess Joel can be spared for once.

“I will launder this shirt for you,” I say as I steadily get to my feet, “thank you for everything. I don’t deserve this level of hospitality from you. I cause you nothing but frustration and annoyance.”

“What are friends for?”

“Fair,” I giggle as I take a few more deep breaths, my vision getting blurry.

“Where are you going?” He takes a few steps closer to me when he notices me stumble.

“Home,” I mumble, “I’ve cursed you with my presence long enough, don’t you think?”

“Stay, I’m making lunch.”

I look up at him, eyebrows raised, “You’re doing what?!”

“Don’t act so shocked, it may not be as good as your food, but I manage. You can’t cook anything, you’ll fall face-first into the stove with the way you’re stumblin' around.”

“Miller…”

“Go on, steal another one of my shirts, change and come downstairs. Need me to carry you?”

“It’s okay, I’ll just throw myself down them if it’s all the same to you.”

“Works for me,” he chuckles and heads back downstairs.

I sit on the corner of the bed, trying to remember everything from last night. I just don’t know, I suppose there are people who may be motivated to drug me… But none of them seem like those kinds of people.

Seth poured the drinks, but he didn’t know who was going to get each drink; we all had beers. I suppose it could be one of the people I didn’t know very well at the table. The only person I can really think of that would have the balls to do something like this would be Ethan. He also has access to drugs that most others don’t.

But he was with Jane the entire time… Not when she got up to get the drinks… I don’t have enough information to make a definitive decision. I just need to avoid all of them, get my own drinks if I do go out.

If I do go out, I should bring Joel, no one would try anything slick like that with him around. No, stupid, you can’t rely on Joel, you have been a tough bitch all on your own, quit it.

I can feel my face go red as some of the memories from last night resurface in my mind. I groan and cover my face. Why do I act like that in front of him? No use denying to myself that there isn't an attraction there… On both sides. But there is still something holding me back.

I compose myself the best I can and switch shirts since the one I’m currently wearing is saturated in sweat. I guess from reliving that memory and being drugged. Shit, I have to work at the hospital today too… Cool.

I stumble my way to the washroom and steady myself at the counter. I look up at my face and almost vomit. There are huge bags under my eyes that rival Joel’s when he first came to Jackson. I look really pale and beads of sweat are still forming on my forehead.

I turn on the shower and strip Joel’s shirt off, it feels like deja vu. I stare at my body in the mirror, tracing the scars with my fingers. The ones in my lower abdomen, the gunshot, the scars left over from the surgeries to put me back together, to fix all the internal damage that was done. It's almost comical the amount of resources they used on me just for me to escape in the end. 

They should have just let me die… But Banks couldn’t let it go. Couldn’t let me go… I think he shot me again after they picked me up, which would explain the very linear scar down the centre of my chest. I try not to think about it much, the memories are too painful. I think I’ll let my subconscious do what it wants and won’t fight to remember… So, please, no more dreams, subconscious.

With a heavy sigh, I step into the shower and let the warm water run down my skin, washing away all the gross I feel from last night. I may not have proof, but I just feel like it’s Ethan. He’s the only one in that group I could see doing that to me. Or am I just too biased? Am I just projecting on him because I see him as the worst?

I barely knew some of the people in that group; couldn’t one of them have done it? Sure, maybe. Good excuse for me not to go out as a group again. That’s such a depressing thought…

At least Joel is kind enough to help me out. If someone tried climbing through my window during an apocalypse, I would shoot first and ask questions later. I can feel my face go red again. Come on, I haven’t blushed so much in my entire life.

___________________________________________

You washed up quickly and headed down the stairs to the kitchen, where Joel is. When you walk in you notice Joel was making sandwiches, “Oh, thank god,” you sigh dramatically, “I thought you were actually cooking.”

“Making sandwiches is cooking.”

“No, you’re assembling.”

“Whatever, just sit.”

You do as he asks and sit at the table. You couldn’t help but admire him in a t-shirt. You're used to seeing him in flannel, so you're enjoying seeing more with the t-shirt. Joel brings you a plate and sits across from you, “Now, tell me what happened last night.”

“Honestly, it was just a normal night; there were a lot of people there. Come on, Miller, I’m sure you have enough problems, you don’t need mine.”

“C’mon, you’re you, you have theories.”

You bite your tongue, unsure of how much you should say. You feel it’s irresponsible to just come out and blame Ethan without any solid proof other than the vibes he gives off that only you can see.

But Joel wasn’t about to let it go. The thought of someone trying to take advantage of you kept him up at night. Trying to come up with his own theories on who it could have been. But you know the people who were there more than he does, so he doesn’t know where to start.

“Miller, I don’t want to name names when I don’t know for sure.”

“You know,” he insists, watching you closely.

You take a bite of your sandwich, “Pretty good, Miller, turns out bitches aren’t the only ones who can make a decent sandwich.”

Joel mutters your name, which makes you freeze, “Tell me.”

“Pinky promise you won’t say anything to anyone.” You say as you stick your pinky out.

“Are you 5?” Joel squints at you.

“And a half.”

“I ain't gonna say anything,” he sighs, ignoring your extended pinky, “out with it.”

“I feel like it was Taylor…”

“Dr. Taylor? So, there is something weird going on between the 2 of you.” He felt the awkward tension emanating from you when Joel mentioned running into him the other day.

“He wishes,” you roll your eyes, “When Jane and I first got here, he made it clear he was interested in me. He was so persistent, though, to the point where it almost felt threatening, like he was obsessed. Eventually, he started dating Jane, and then I worried even more. I’ve tried telling Jane how I feel, but she thinks I’m just being paranoid and overprotective. To be fair, he hasn’t technically done anything, so all I have to go off of is my instincts.”

Joel’s jaw tightened as he listened to you. He also felt something was off with Ethan, especially when he brought you up; he felt it was strange. He didn’t get it, though. Why would he be acting like this now? If he hasn’t outwardly done something like this to you in the past, what’s different?

“So, why now? Haven’t Jane and him been together for years?” Joel asks you.

“I don’t know,” you shrug, “but, since things are clearly ramping up, this may be my last meal here,” you sigh dramatically, “because if I run into Taylor, I just might knock his teeth out. I may be kicked out, but god will it be worth it.”

“Do what you think you need to, I guess. I won’t stop you,” Joel shrugs, “all I’ll say is that Ellie will miss you. For me, life here in Jackson is less painful with you here.”

“… Mr. Miller! That’s practically a love confession from you! What are you going to say next? ‘Your facial features are somewhat symmetrical and do not repulse me, I’m not immediately sickened by your scent, your voice is a little less grating than nails on a chalkboard.’”

“Somethin’ like that.”

You pause from taking another bite of your sandwich as you study Joel, “Since I’ve been doing a lot of sharing these past few heart-to-hearts we’ve been having, are you going to tell me what really happened in Salt Lake?” You also want to get the attention off of you.

Joel freezes briefly and tries to meet your eyes coolly, “I’ve told you.”

“The gist, not the full story.”

You’ve been curious about the weird tension that is between him and Ellie. They are good at feigning a somewhat normal father-daughter dynamic. But there is something left unsaid between them, and you’ve wanted to probe deeper even if it is not your place. He’s been doing it to you; it’s your turn.

“Come on! I’ve practically told you everything but my bra size!” You complain, “Spill! I won’t say anything, you know that! How bad can it be?! Oh, did you use to volunteer at an animal shelter and spend hours tending to all the sad puppies and kitties? Donated your kidney to a stranger in need? Visited sick children in the hospital and played your ‘geetar’ for them?”

“You wouldn’t look at me the same.” Joel mumbles, not looking at you, pretending to be interested in the table.

“Oh my god, who cares about what you did before. We’ve all done shady shit to survive.”

Joel just continues to sit there silently. He knows you don’t like the Fireflies, but your brother is still a Firefly. Even though he is relieved that you heard from your brother, confirming he is still in California and not one of the casualties in Salt Lake, he doesn’t know if you would be nonchalant about him killing as many as he did.

He does feel the guilt, knowing not everyone deserved the sentence he handed out to them. But no one was going to stop him from saving Ellie. You can see the conflict reflected in his face in the way he refuses to look at you.

“Fine, then go throw yourself off a cliff or something. As long as it wipes that look on your face away. Is that going to erase what you did? It’s done, nothing you can do about it now. If you’re going to live, then fucking do something with yourself, other than drag your feet and punish yourself.”

“I see it in the way you avoid conversations with people around here. You talk to Mr. T. Miller, Ellie, and myself, then you just mumble to everyone else. Keeping your distance from everyone else, I know all about that.” 

“…”

“What are you looking for from me now, Miller? Want me to wrap you in my arms and tell you everything is going to be okay? Tell you to forgive yourself? Bend you over my knee and spank you for being a bad boy? I can’t do that! It would be morally reprehensible as a caregiver to spank someone in your big ass age and porous bones. I would shatter your pelvis to sawdust! What do you want? Acceptance?”

“I guess I just wanna be here for Ellie. But the more independent she gets, the more useless I feel. She depended on me a lot when we were outside of Jackson, now…” he trails off.

“You have been a parent of a teenager before, you know how it goes, but she still needs you. Ellie needs you, Tommy needs you, Jackson needs you, Ester needs you-“

You pause when you see Joel glare at you for mentioning Ester, making you laugh, “And I need you,” you admit, “You’re like the only real friend I have other than Jane, here in the uncanny valley.”

Joel relaxes slightly, “You should stop callin’ Jackson that.”

“Why? It’s weird the number of people who smile like the world hasn’t fucking ended. It just doesn’t quite feel like they’re real people.”

Joel chuckles and rolls his eyes as you pause from speaking to take another bite of your lunch.

“Now, I know you used to be a hunter and did all the shady shit that goes along with that job. But you’ve admitted to being a hunter, so what could have possibly happened in Salt Lake that you won’t talk about? What is worse?"

Joel bites at his lip nervously. Maybe he feels more comfortable speaking to you about it because you’ve heard from Ben. Knowing that he didn’t kill him on his rampage to save Ellie. And he knows you have your own issues with the Fireflies, he thinks maybe he can trust you with the information. You’ve kept Ellie’s immunity to yourself, and you’re obviously more comfortable around him.

“When we went to Salt Lake, we were under the impression that they would figure somethin' out, I would stay with her until they were done, and then we would come back to Jackson…”

“Very optimistic for someone like you and your history.” You comment.

“Shoulda known it wouldn’t be that simple when Ellie drowned and the Fireflies knocked me out when I was giving her CPR.”

“Maybe your chest compressions weren’t sufficient. I have DVDs of some of those old medical shows, and whenever I see them attempt CPR, I want to punch them in the throat.”

“Woke up to Marlene sayin’ Ellie survived and was being prepped for surgery,” Joel ignores you, “Told me they had to cut into her brain to create a vaccine. And I… just couldn’t let them do that.” He falls silent as his memories of Salt Lake come rushing back like a bad dream. He didn’t have to say anything, though; you were able to fill in the blanks yourself.

"They spent years tryin' to develop a vaccine, and they have nothin' to show for it. I wasn't going to let Ellie be another one of their failed attempts." Joel stared down at his hands, not meeting your eyes. 

You find yourself sympathizing with both sides. You understand the Fireflies and their mission, even though you know it's a near-impossible dream, but you did not necessarily think they deserved to die for believing they could do the impossible. You felt sympathy for Joel, who probably would not survive another daughter's death. And how this decision may have doomed both sides. 

“Leave any survivors?” You ask him.

“A few, not many.”

“So, you're aware, people may come after you then?”

“Obviously, but it’s all worth it as long as Ellie is alive.”

You nod, knowing you can relate to him, “My escape from Boston wasn’t easy either. I was captured after Banks found out I told my brother about the immune people that were discovered. He knew he could do whatever he wanted to me, and I wouldn’t have cared. So he punished Jane too, and that’s one way to trigger me.”

“What happened?”

You grimace uncomfortably, “I remember being shot in the abdomen, and then I remember waking up covered in blood. I don’t like thinking about what those FEDRA soldiers were doing to me before I kind of went on a rampage. Jane attacked one of the guards by her cell and made a commotion. It gave me time to go absolutely feral on the soldier who was on top of me. I didn’t stop punching, kicking and stabbing until the soldiers close to me in that room were dead. Not totally feeling the injuries they inflicted on me as I went. I stole their guns and ammo, got Jane, and we ran for it.”

“I took out soldiers on the way; it didn’t matter if they attacked me or not. I had to get Jane out of there. That’s when Tess comes in, I brought Jane to her, and asked her to get her out of Boston. Because I helped her in the past and smuggled her some medical supplies from the hospital, she agreed." 

“What about you?”

“They wanted Jane, sure. But the priority was me; I led FEDRA soldiers away from there, stole one of their motorcycles, and made some noise. They shot out the tires and I spun out and went splat against a building in the alleyway. It’s okay though, my pelvis took most of the damage, I broke other bones too, but who really keeps count at this point, you know?”

Joel was frozen in his seat, listening to you tell your story. His chest tightened hearing you say such things as if it’s nothing. He wondered if that was the night he found you. He didn’t remember seeing a motorcycle anywhere around. He figured the soldiers were probably carrying you out. He remembers hearing some gunshots before he walked past that area, they most have been caught up with Fireflies or something and had to leave you where Joel found you.

“How did you escape?” He asks you quietly.

“I ended up in the hospital, and I was there for a long time. I was really surprised Banks didn’t let me die. Maybe he wanted to fix me so he could break me again, maybe he wanted to let his soldiers have a go, who knows? I won’t pretend to know what goes on his demented little mind. But Dr. Wilson actually helped me escape, along with Tess. After that, we met up with Jane in Lincoln, you know, someone who lives on his own there named Bill?”

Joel smirked, “I’ve met him, yeah.”

“You can probably guess he wasn’t a particular fan of me, but he helped us out since Tess was the one who asked. Anyway, forgive my tangent, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I don’t know what it feels like to have a child and lose a child or what that does to a person. But I do know how it feels to care about someone so much you’ll do anything to save them.”

“Thanks,” Joel didn’t know what else to say. He felt better talking to you about it, though it didn’t alleviate the guilt he felt from what happened and what he did. But at least it is one last person he has to hide it from.

“What does Ellie know about what happened?” You press.

Joel shifts uncomfortably in his seat, “She knows what she needs to.”

“Which is…”

“I told her the Fireflies had other immune people there and that they hadn’t made any progress, that having her there too wouldn’t make a difference. I carried her out when she was still unconscious.”

Now it was your turn to shift uncomfortably. You didn’t like that Ellie knows little about what really happened. Though you believed the Fireflies wouldn’t have been successful, you feel bad that Ellie doesn’t know the full story. You think it must affect her more than Joel is willing to accept. You figure she’s having an existential crisis, wondering what the point of her immunity is. She was under the impression that she was going to save the world.

“You should be honest with her.” You say to Joel quietly.

“It would do more damage.”

“You don’t get to decide that, it’s her life.”

“No.” Joel’s mouth forms a thin, harsh line, body language telling you to drop it.

Unfortunately for Joel, you’re you and you don’t spook easily, “Do you really think she believes you? She hasn’t questioned you about it, so you think she has accepted it because she doesn’t push back? Because she hasn’t argued with you?”

“A lie doesn’t simply become the truth just because one wants to believe it,” you argue, disapproving eyes burning into his. You know it’s not your place to tell Joel what to do, but you can tell Ellie is conflicted. Of course she hasn’t said anything yet, Joel is basically her father.

“It’s none of your business; stay out of it.” Joel’s anger was rising; you have found a very raw nerve. You’re not deterred, though.

“You think I’m intimidated by your frowny face, Mr. Miller? Well, I am! But, guess what? That doesn’t deter me!” You shake your head at him, smirking when you see Joel relax slightly.

“Look, I’m not going to tell Ellie, as you say it’s not my place,” you reassure him, “I’m just trying to get you to do the right thing.”

“I know.”

“She will find out the truth one way or another, just make sure it’s from you.”

Joel falls silent again, not because he’s fighting himself not to argue with you, but because he knows you’re right. He believes he can’t tell Ellie. He’s worried about what Ellie would do, what Ellie would say, and where their relationship would go from there. He feels like it’s too late; he can’t lose her. Even if it means lying to her.

After you’re finished your lunch and thank Joel as you push your chair away from the table. You grab your plate and walk past Joel as you head to the kitchen.

“You don’t have to do that,” Joel mumbles as you walk by.

“How else am I going to pay you back for helping me out?”

“I’ll settle for seeing you at the Jackson party.”

You look over your shoulder to smile at him, “I’ll think about it.” You tease him.

You bring your dish to the sink and start cleaning up the kitchen. You thought Joel was still eating away, but you can feel his presence closing in on you. It didn’t bother you though, you didn’t mind having Joel close, he made you feel comfortable.

Joel grabs one of your wrists gently and pulls off the hair tie wrapped around it. You’re about to protest when his fingers gently brush against the back of your neck, making you shiver. He pulls your hair back, “Don’t know how you can be in the kitchen with your hair in the way.”

“You’re such a dad.” You laugh.

He yanks on your hair, making you gasp, “Maybe I just like pulling hair,” he says quietly in your ear.

Joel is satisfied by the blush dusting your cheeks and grabs the plate you’re holding, “Don’t you have somewhere you have to be?”

You freeze, finally remembering you were supposed to cover for Peter at the hospital today, “Shit.”

“Go,” Joel chuckles, “I got this.”

“Thanks again,” you say quickly, leaving Joel’s house in one of his shirts again. Leaving Joel wishing your time together didn’t have to end.

__________________________________________

“Ellie, why are you fussing about this so much?” I grumble as she lays out shirts for me on the couch.

“Joel, it’s supposed to be a little fancy! You’re not going in plaid!”

“Who cares? You’re taking this way too seriously.”

“You know who is going to be there, don’t you want to impress her?” Ellie puts her hands on her hips as she stares up at me.

Her face enters my mind as soon as Ellie mentions her, she doesn’t have to say her name, we both know who she is talking about. I haven’t seen her since she walked out of my front door last week.

I didn’t even get to see her when I went to the hospital to get my staples out. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t kind of excited to go to this thing. Not for the event itself, because I know I’m going to get to see her again, finally.

“Joel!” Ellie claps her hands to get my attention as I’m sure my eyes have glazed over at this point, “Look! Black? Grey? Dark grey? Darker grey? Lighter grey? You’re not giving me much to work with! The only colours you have are in your plaid shirts, and that is not an option!”

“I don’t know,” I shrug, “what do you think?”

“Come on, Miller,” I freeze when I hear her voice from the living room doorway, “Be impulsive, make a decision, be bold. Live your monochrome life!”

I turn to look at her and look away almost immediately. Fuck, she looks amazing as usual. How the hell am I supposed to interact with her without staring at her to the point where she gets uncomfortable?

“Well?” She giggles, knowing how good she looks, “How hot do I look? Go on, no need to hold back, don’t be shy, leave your comments below.”

I force myself to look at her and my mouth feels like it dries up instantly. She’s wearing red, of course, little devil in a red dress. That suits her… Does it have to be that tight? Is she trying to torture me…? Yes, obviously.

The sleeves of the dress stop just above her wrists, and the neckline shows enough to make my mind run wild for what’s underneath that dress. The length reaches just past her knees, and of course, she had to be wearing heels too.

My eyes go to her smirking face; she knows exactly what I’m thinking. Her hair is up, showing off her beautiful face.

“Uh… I guess..” That's all I can manage to say.

“Miller, we’re friends, right?” She complains, “You’re not my grandfather, or my great great great great great uncle! Tell me what you really think!”

“Always gotta bring up age, huh?”

“I’m nothing if not consistent.”

Ellie whistles from next to me, “You look hot!”

“Thank you!”

She raises an eyebrow at me, still waiting for an actual response from me, “You look like trouble.”

“I’ll take it!” She laughs, “Maybe next time I’ll get an adjective the first time I ask.”

“Why’d you stop here?” Ellie asks her, “I would have thought you would be there by now. We’re pretty late. Joel got back from patrol not that long ago.”

“I thought you two would be ready. You guys are on my way, so I thought it’d be fun to walk with you guys. Ellie, you know how much annoying Joel makes my night. I wanted to start the night out right.”

“You just don’t want to go by yourself because guys are going to flock to you as soon as you walk in the door. And you know a lot of them will get nervous with Joel close by.” Ellie reads her like a book.

“Mhmm.” She nods and smiles.

It makes sense; it wouldn’t even matter if she were dressed up like this or not. The flocking of men is inevitable. That’s the problem. I’ll be keeping a sharp eye on her tonight. I won’t let her get in that condition again. No one will have the chance to even think about it.

“Looks like you 2 have to still get ready,” she studies us, “I’ll meet you guys there.”

“Or you could just wait,” I suggest.

“It’s okay, I’ll see you guys there, don’t rush on my account.” She starts walking to the door.

“Be careful,” I say to her seriously.

Ellie looks up at me, confused by my serious tone. Not knowing what happened to her not that long ago when she was at the Tipsy Bison.

“Careful is my middle name,” she looks over her shoulder at me and gives me a knowing look, understanding what I mean, “you know, right after reckless bitch. Very long name, German, I think.”

She laughs as I cross my arms at her, “Stop worrying about me, Miller. I’ve survived this long, haven’t I? Stop acting like my great great great great great-“

“Get out.” I chuckle.

“Great-grandfather.” She finishes with a smile at my glare as she exits the house.

I can feel Ellie’s eyes on me as I watch her walk down the porch steps and into the early evening dim light and out of sight.

“Whoa, you got it bad, Joel.” Ellie shakes her head.

“Go get dressed,” I sigh. I can’t even argue with her, we both know I’m doomed. I’m on a slippery slope, and there’s nothing I can do to stop my descent. Even if I could stop it, I’m not sure I would want to.

If anything, it makes me feel more human than I’ve felt in decades. I have no idea where this is going to go, but I’m looking forward to it.

____________________________________________

The party was in full swing by the time Joel and Ellie arrived. All the tables were either pushed to the side or taken out to leave room for a dance floor. There are string lights hanging all around the walls and across the ceiling.

It looked like most of the Jackson residents were there, and everyone was wearing semi-formal attire. Some people were on the dance floor, others were eating or drinking at tables, and more were standing close to the bar chatting with other residents.

Joel felt like it wasn’t real life. He hadn’t seen anything like this since before the outbreak. It’s like he walked through a Time Machine and stepped out into simpler times when the world hadn’t gone to shit and normal life didn’t consist of fighting for survival on a daily basis. It was a surreal feeling.

Joel scans the room looking for you, but he is not having much luck to his disappointment. Had you chickened out at the last minute and ditched?

As he looks around, he spots Tommy and decides to head over to him first.

“Dina and Kat are over there,” Ellie shakes Joel’s arm to get his attention, “I’m going to go with them.”

Joel nods and watches protectively as Ellie crosses the room to get to her friends. Tommy notices Joel and waves at him as he heads over, “Hey, you actually came.”

Tommy was leaning against the bar chatting with Seth as Joel walked up. Seth notices Joel walking up and hands him a drink. Joel nods his thanks and stands next to Tommy, whose eyes seem to be fixed on the dance floor.

Joel follows his line of sight and sees you dancing with Jane. They aren’t the only ones watching; there are others standing close by, as if to wait for the opportunity to approach you.

You have an almost carefree smile on your face as you and Jane dance in rhythm with the music, laughing at something Jane whispered in your ear.

“Like a sore thumb,” Joel says quietly, echoing Tommy’s original words as he stares at you.

“You said it,” Tommy chuckles in agreement, “guessing I can attribute you being here to her being here.”

Joel doesn’t answer, he doesn’t have to. Tommy can understand how Joel feels, he felt the same about you in the past. But Tommy knows your number one is always going to be your brother and Jane. He can’t even imagine you being able to reciprocate any other kind of feelings in a non-familial way. He doesn’t trust it. There’s guilt Tommy feels as he looks at the way Joel watches you.

Joel’s dark eyes soften, his shoulders and jaw relax and he actually looks close to being as relaxed as he can be. But something dark hangs in the background that it seems neither of you can see.

Tommy doesn’t know what to do, he feels a lot of different emotions he can’t quite name. He feels apprehensive about the situation and how unpredictable you can be. He’s known Joel is whole life, he understands Joel very well. But, no matter how hard he has tried, he can’t figure you out. He tried very hard, but you grew up in a completely different time; your emotions and actions are hard to predict and determine.

You didn't grow up in the age of soap operas and chick flicks. Growing up in a world where your biggest concerns were whether that special person liked you or not. No, you grew up in a much more cruel and unforgiving world. Where the people around you use each other and don't get too close to anyone because everyone has a high likelihood of dying without warning. Getting close to people gets you killed, and tender feelings toward others only cause more pain and suffering. Keeping people at a distance is the norm, and falling in love is the outlier. 

He’s ashamed to admit that he even feels a little jealous of Joel. How has he been able to break down your seemingly impenetrable walls when others, including him, have completely failed?

But there is something different about you now. He’s never seen you like this. You fake your smile less, and you are actually out and about more, interacting with other people. You’ve changed somehow, not in a major way, but enough for others to notice and take an interest.

Tommy wants to believe this could be good for Joel, but from what he knows of you, he is having a hard time accepting this new you. He and Maria have even argued about it. Maria thinks it’s good for you to build more connections in Jackson; maybe it will make you more willing to stay.

However, to Tommy, it means there will just be more people hurt by you when you do leave. He doesn’t buy it; he hasn’t seen you change in all the time he has known you. He also doesn’t fully know what you’ve been through before he met you in Denver. You don’t talk to anyone about your past, except for Jane, Ben and now Joel.

Tommy doesn’t know what else to do but try and distract Joel with conversation, trying to get both of their minds off of you.

___________________________________________________

It’s weird that I’m actually having fun. I mean, I can always have fun with Jane, but I’m finding I don’t even mind the company of the people around me. Even let some people other than Jane dance with me. Maybe it’s because Joel’s here, I know his eyes are on me, and I know every moment I don’t spend with him is making him seethe.

Tommy can distract Joel all he wants, but I know it doesn’t work for long. It’s just too fun, I haven’t had this much fun in a while… My definition of fun is quite different than normal people’s, I imagine.

I have to take a break from the dance floor to get a drink. It was getting hard to breathe with all the people. Jane is great for letting me take up so much of Ethan’s time with her. Something seems off with him tonight, more than usual.

I looked around, but I couldn’t see Joel anymore. Maybe he’s still near the bar. When I get to the bar, I don’t see him. I do see Tommy, though. I decide to head over to him. I’m sure Joel won’t be far.

Tommy smiles at me as I head over, “Hey, you finally decided to take a break.”

“Need to rehydrate,” I watch Seth as he pours me a whiskey, being very aware of where I get my drinks from after last time.

I turn back around as I sip my whiskey, watching Ethan finally approach Jane now that I have disappeared from the dance floor. Jane hasn’t asked me any questions about that night. Makes sense, she probably just thought I was a little tipsy, I didn’t want to worry her.

“Everything okay?” Tommy asks me, watching me stare silently at the crowd.

“Sure,” I offer him a small smile.

“Looking for Joel?” He guesses.

“It is past his bedtime, no? Did he remember to take his meds?” My chest tightens when Tommy mentions his name.

“He’s over there,” Tommy points to the other end of the long bar. Joel is standing there, his back to the dance floor, having a conversation with Ester.

Ah, what is this feeling? A twinge of irritation hits my body like an electric shock. A dramatic and stupid autonomic reaction that my mind can’t comprehend. Is this what the human emotion known as jealousy feels like? Come on, girl, you don’t even know what they’re talking about, calm down.

“Ester looks nice,” you comment as you look at her neatly done hair and pretty blue dress. There are small, subtle streaks of grey in her hair, making her look more mature, and I would say they enhance her looks. “If I felt normal human emotions such as lust, I would be all over her.”

“You’re right,” Tommy agrees, “she’s the type of person he needs.”

“I don’t think it’s up to you, Miller. What makes you the expert?”

“I may not be an expert on a lot of people, but I am an expert on my brother. Just like you are with yours.”

We are pretty similar in that regard, taking up the younger sibling role, trying to protect our big brothers, “What are you getting at, Miller?” He’s obviously hinting at something, and he wants to get it off his chest. Can’t he just get it over with and bottle it up like normal men?

“I see the way he is around you, and the way you are around him-“

“Whoop! There it is!”

“We both know you’re no good for Joel. I have to protect my brother like you do yours. He needs someone stable, someone who knows how to do relationships. Someone who is not emotionally unavailable. Someone who can make life feel normal for him again. He deserves that."

“I agree,” I say as I down the rest of my whiskey, “I’m no good for anyone. I’m also selfish; you forgot that. So, I don’t know why you’re trying to appeal to my ‘conscience’ like I have one.”

“Exactly,” Tommy tenses up, “He can’t be distracted by someone like you. Ellie needs Joel, and Joel needs her. Don’t get in between them.”

“I beg your finest pardon, sir.”

I would never come between him and Ellie; Joel is surviving because of that relationship. How dare he accuse me of trying to get in between them, if anything I want them to become closer, which is why I was lecturing Joel about telling her the truth.

To be honest, I don’t really care what Tommy thinks. He has another motive for saying what he is saying right now. And it is not about Joel’s or Ellie’s happiness.

“Cut the bullshit, it’s more than just about J. Miller,” I lean against the counter and tilt my head at him, “it’s also about you.”

He grimaces at my words, so I continue, “Don’t try to step on a stonefish, you’re only going to hurt yourself and do absolutely no damage to me in the process.”

“It’s about you, too.” Tommy doesn’t try to deny it; he knows I know.

“When have I ever needed someone to protect me? I don’t need you to look out for me, or J. Miller, for that matter.”

“You've never been heartbroken before, you’ve never been in a relationship-“

“Whoa,” I hold my hands up, “who said anything about a relationship? I don’t do relationships. Are you sure you’ve met me? Those sounds messy as fuck, and I’m a clean freak.”

“Exactly,” Tommy sighs, “which is why you should stop now before you cross a point of no return.”

“Hey,” we both turn when we see Maria walk up to us, “Sorry I’m a little late.” Maria kisses Tommy’s cheek and looks at both of us, “Whoa, everything okay?”

“Ah-hem,” I clear my throat and point to my cheek.

Maria’s sharp features soften as she laughs at me. She rolls her eyes and leans in. I smile at Tommy as he glares at me, watching his wife give me a kiss on the cheek too.

I really don’t comprehend what Tommy’s problem is. He’s thinking about a relationship? Isn’t he thinking about it too seriously? I’m really attracted to Joel, and he’s obviously attracted to me. I kind of want to explore that… In more ways than one. I highly doubt Joel is looking for anything serious anyway. He hasn’t been in Jackson for that long, and he is focusing on his father-daughter relationship with Ellie, building on the foundation they laid while travelling across the country together. Tommy is taking this way too seriously.

“Bar wench!” I tap my empty glass against the counter of the bar, trying to get Seth’s attention, “Refill!”

“As long as it’s water,” My heart pounds as I hear Joel’s familiar deep voice walk up behind me.

“Shut up, great great great-“

He smirks as he covers my mouth with his hand, “Finally coming out for air?”

Joel looks really good up close, his grey long sleeved shirt clings to his upper body in all the right ways, he kind of smells like pine, I like it. The subtle flecks of silver in his beard and hair enhance his looks, like Ester. His subtle smirks and smiles go with his face, a face that hasn’t smiled in a long time. It almost feels like if he did smile widely, it wouldn't match his features at all. I like him like this… a little bit playful, but mostly dangerous.

I remove his hand from my mouth, “Yeah, if by air you mean alcohol.”

“Can’t you limit your intake tonight? I do have an appointment with you tomorrow in the clinic.” Seth grunts as he takes my empty glass and grabs the whiskey bottle.

“Why don’t we just do it now?” I offer, “‘For fuck sakes, I told you if you’re going to shove things up your ass, you need something with a flared base. I’m tired of having this conversation with you.”

I relish the glare he is giving me, providing me with even more motivation to continue.

“My apologies, perhaps I should do other health teaching with you, ‘if you keep hoarding sweets that are brought in, your pancreas is going to protest. But who cares, right? Insulin is super abundant in the apocalypse. Not only do you have infected, looters and hunters threatening to kill you, but imagine sugar being the more dangerous threat to you. Shall we review your code status and switch it to DNR when you inevitably fall into a diabetic coma?”

“A simple ‘don’t tell me what to do,’ would have sufficed,” Seth narrows his eyes at me as he puts the whiskey in front of me, “you’re one to talk, think your liver is going to put up with this for much longer?”

“God, I hope not. There’s something poetic about dying from alcoholism after surviving situations that would kill most people, dying from a very preventable disease. I’ll probably still outlast you though.”

“Want to mock me for being lactose intolerant too? Any advice, doctor?”

“There are so few things to derive pleasure from these days. The day I can’t have milk, or products containing milk like those amazing cakes your wife makes, is the day I will be found with a gun in my mouth. Because bullets are lactose-free.” I smile sweetly at him.

“Okay,” Joel takes my glass of whiskey and drinks it instead, “come on, stop bullying the elderly,” he tries to hide the amused smile on his face.

I laugh as something catches my eye behind Joel. I see Ethan standing there, leaning on the bar, watching me, drinking from his glass. Why isn’t he with Jane?

Joel turns to see what I’m looking at, and his features darken when he sees Ethan there. He tries to turn around to square up with him, but I stop him, “don’t,” I say quietly so only he can hear me, “I can handle him myself, just ignore him. He's not going to do anything here."

Joel pauses and relaxes slightly, “I know you can, just a reflex. He should be terrified of you.”

I smile up at him, grateful that he knows I’m perfectly capable of dealing with Ethan myself. I go to grab my glass of whiskey, but then I remember Joel already stole it.

“You owe me,” I protest and grab his arm, “I’ve decided you can repay me with a dance.”

I noticed the music got slower, allowing people to focus on their partners at the slower rhythm. Joel doesn’t protest and allows me to drag him to an open area on the crowded dance floor.

I turn to face him, but he can barely look at me. I feel a satisfied smirk creep onto my face. I slink the hand still holding onto his arm up the rest of the way to his shoulder, and use my other hand to grab his opposite hand.

He gently places his other hand just below my shoulder blade, like he was afraid I was going to shy away if he let his hand rest too low. We gently sway to the rhythm. I think it’s an Aerosmith song, I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing. I like this song.

I notice Joel is still holding me at arm's length while we dance, “What’s wrong, Miller? Are we in middle school? Leaving room for Jesus? Grow up!”

I giggle as I pull him closer, closing the distance between us to where our bodies are a couple of inches from touching. I take his hand from under my shoulder blade down to my hip, just above the curve of my ass. Take that, Joel, your move.

Joel can’t seem to say anything; he wasn’t able to look me in the eye at first. But now, he can’t take his eyes off me.

“Didn’t think I’d have the chance to do this,” Joel says quietly, “line up was long to get to you.”

“You’re one to talk, I didn’t want to interrupt your conversation with Ester.”

“Ester?” Joel gives me a confused look, “Oh, she was asking me about some work she wants done on her house. Me and Tommy were in business together before the outbreak. Did some contracting and construction.”

“… That’s definitely a setup to a cliche, admittedly very hot, porn.”

“Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“It’s perfect though, Ester, the lonely housewife, waiting for some strong, withered, emotionally unavailable man to nail her against the wall and hammer her until she sees stars… Or it could be a snuff film, if you think about it.” I ponder.

“Why are you going on about Ester?” He questions me.

“I’m just saying she clearly likes you.”

“So? It don’t matter, soon as I answered her question, I came to find you. What could that mean, I wonder?”

“That you like trouble,” I smirk at him. 

His thumb rubs at my hip before he slowly moves his hand to the small of my back and pulls me a little closer. Not close enough for our bodies to touch, but enough for us to feel the heat radiating off each other. The tension in the air is thick and suffocating, as well as intoxicating.

“Maybe I do,” Joel replies to my comment.

We stay like that, enjoying being close to one another. We didn’t need to say anything, just letting the mood settle.

Even when the song was over, we wouldn’t have broken apart if I hadn’t heard Jane’s raised voice nearby. I jerk away from Joel and look in the direction I heard her voice. She seems to be arguing with Ethan.

I smile apologetically at Joel, but he seems to understand. I rush over to see what is going on, “Jane, come on, I’m tired, I had a long day and I want to go home.”

“You promised you would stay with me, come on! It’s a fun night, and you don’t have to work tomorrow, so you can sleep in! You’ve been acting weird!” Jane’s lower lip is pouting, the face she makes when she really wants something.

“I want to leave.” Ethan says seriously, very different from his usual tone, not giving her an inch.

“What happened? You were fine like 10 minutes ago! What happened?!”

“Lower your voice!” He snaps.

I place myself between them, “Jane, what’s wrong?”

Jane looks at me and then at Ethan behind me. She seems to be mulling something over in her mind. I see sadness in her eyes, and she seems to come to some sort of realization.

“Right, I fucking knew it.”

It’s weird to hear Jane swear like this. She’s always the positive one, “Jane-“

“Don’t-“ Jane backs away from me, refusing to look at me, “I should have known…”

I don’t step toward her; she’s putting up a boundary, something she only does when she is really upset. It’s best for me to give her space, allow her to get her thoughts straight.

“At least let me walk you home, you don’t even have to talk if you don’t want to,” I offer to her quietly, “I want to make sure you get home safe.”

She’s about to say no, I feel it. But then she stops herself and starts walking toward the door. She was accepting my offer.

I can feel Ethan’s eyes glare at me. I need to put distance between them… Because I think I know what’s going on.

The cool night air hits my skin, making me sigh with relief. It was getting stifling in there. The tension with Joel didn’t help the temperature either.

Then there’s the tension between Ethan and Jane. I’m not blind, and neither is Jane; we both know where his frustration is coming from. It’s no coincidence that his odd behaviour around Jane seems to match up with my relationship with Joel intensifying. He’s jealous, and Jane can see it now.

“You warned me,” Jane finally speaks when we reach the halfway point between the Mess Hall and her house.

“Yeah, something's not right with him, Jane, and it isn’t just tonight.” I wasn’t going to bring it up to Jane, because I had no proof, only a sure feeling. But it makes sense to me, she probably still wouldn’t believe that Ethan would ever do something drastic and unhinged like drug me, even if he is letting his mask slip a bit.

“I-I think he drugged me that night we were all out together at the Tipsy Bison.” I finally say to her.

She freezes and stares at me in disbelief, “You can’t be serious.”

“I just… I have a strong feeling it was him. Look at the way he’s been acting recently.”

“He wouldn’t do that.” Jane insists.

“You have no idea what he could be capable of.”

Jane wants to argue about it, I see it in her body language. But, deep down, she knows something else must be going on. The fact that she is not just continuing to dismiss me is proof that something has changed between them, things she hasn’t even told me about. She knows it’s a possibility, she knows I’m not trying to take advantage of the situation, I’m saying it to warn her.

“I-I” she stammers, “I found something in his pocket… I don’t know what it was… a small bag of something… He said it was to help him fall asleep.. But he… You were acting so strangely that night... You only had a few beers, which is nowhere near enough to make you act like that..."

She’s never seen this side of him, and I have, the parts I’ve been warning her about. Maybe she can finally start to understand.

“Just go home and think about it,” I say carefully, “the front he shows you is slipping, isn’t it? He’s not safe, Jane.”

I see tears start to run down her face, she doesn’t want to believe it. He’s love-bombed her and manipulated her for years; she’s never seen a negative or suspicious side to him until now. As soon as I start showing interest in someone, he’s clearly not good at handling rejection. It’s something he’s never gotten over, evidently.

“Okay,” Jane sniffles as she wipes her cheeks dry, “I won’t let him in tonight. You… You be careful too.”

I’m still frustrated it took this long, but maybe she is finally starting to see through his facade. I smile at her and squeeze her shoulder.

We arrive at her house not long later, and I hug her goodbye and tell her I’m sorry. I watch her close the door behind her with a heavy sigh. She can do so much better than Ethan, and now, hopefully, she is finally going to see that too. She’ll have to be careful, though. I hope she doesn’t let him weasel his way in there tonight.

I’m a little relieved, even if it did take me getting drugged to make her see the light; it’s a small price to pay if it means protecting her. I’m sad for Jane, I don’t want her to be hurt… But I did warn her, she’ll see it’s for the best in time.

I make it back to the party and am about to step back inside to keep an eye on Ethan, when I hear giggling to my right. I look over and see Ellie and Dina passing a bottle to each other. Half concealed by darkness and half illuminated by the dull outdoor lights. Uh oh.

“Ellie,” I walk over to her, “Won’t Miller be mad if he sees you drinking?”

“Oh come on!” Ellie laughs, “It’s a party!”

I put my hands on my hips and look at Dina, “Don’t look at me like that! Why do you care?” Dina whines.

“I don’t mind a little bit, but neither one of you can look me straight in the eye. How many of me do you see?”

“3!” Ellie stumbles and drops the whiskey bottle, leaving it to shatter on the ground.

“Ellie!” Dina gasps, “What the fuck?!”

“Alright, that's it,” I can’t help but laugh a little, “Ellie, I’m walking you home before Miller sees you.”

“But-“

“Think of the lecture you will get on the walk home from him,” I point out to her, “I’m offering to do it lecture-free. Come with me now, you can retreat to your shed and sleep it off. I’ll pump you full of water and Tylenol; hopefully, that will be enough to lessen the severity of the hangover you’re going to have tomorrow.”

“Alright, Doc!”

I turn to look at Dina, “You too, let’s go.”

They do their best to walk in a straight line, but it is turning into quite a task getting them home. We drop Dina off first since she lives closer to the Mess Hall, and then make our way to Ellie and Joel’s.

“I didn’t mean to get this drunk, I was just nervous…” Ellie suddenly says after I catch her from stumbling again.

“About what?”

She looks at me quietly, and for a minute, I think she’s just going to remain silent. But, to my surprise, she answers.

“I-I needed some help to talk to Kat…”

I tilt my head at her as we close in on her and Joel’s home. She is blushing… Oh, I see, “Do you like her?”

She looks up at me uncomfortably, like the conversation has sobered her up a little bit, “Yeah…”

“I don’t think you need to do all that drinking to impress her. She’s a great artist. I hear you like drawing too. Just use that. I understand it may be more complicated if you’re not sure if she is into girls or not. But you’ll know when you guys hang out, just be you. I saw her staring at you a few times when you weren’t looking.”

“It’s creepy that you know that.” Ellie laughs.

“What have I taught you? Always be aware of your surroundings, which includes the people in your immediate area.”

“She really was looking at me…?”

“Yes,” I smile, “don’t worry about the drinking, you’re not the only one who has been using alcohol to be bold in front of someone…”

“You and Joel are so weird.”

“Yeah,” I sigh.

Ellie unlocks the front door, and I follow her in, turning on the lights as I walk in. I catch Ellie again before she trips over her own feet again, “Will you sit down? Where does Miller keep the Tylenol?”

“Upstairs, bathroom cabinet,” Ellie replies as she plops down on the couch as I go upstairs to grab it. 

When I came back downstairs, I paused as Ellie asked me a question, “Why do you always call the men by their last names?”

My jaw tightens as my body tensed up, trying to decide on if I’m going to open up or not, “It helps me keep them at bay after being a FEDRA tool. Like using their name knocks down the final barrier that makes me vulnerable, and I can’t be vulnerable. Vulnerability gets you killed.”

“Have you thought of writing post-apocalyptic greeting cards?” Ellie comments.

“They said I was too depressing.”

“Is that why you only say your brother’s first name?”

“Probably,” I shrug, “to be honest, I don’t fully get it myself. It’s just something I’ve always done. That’s just my own analysis. If you have any theories, let me know.”

“It’s your way of avoiding intimacy,” Ellie suggests as she tries to focus her eyes on me.

“Go pass out somewhere.” I laugh.

After I get her some water to go with the Tylenol, I usher her out the back door to her shed. I make sure she gets there without falling on her face and go back into the house. It feels weird being here without Joel.

I help myself to some water and start to make myself a late-night snack. I start humming to myself that Aerosmith song stuck in my head. Thinking about Joel’s hands on my body.

________________________________________________

Tommy tried to get me to stay, but if she’s not there, I’m not going to stick around. The whole reason I agreed to go was so that I could spend time with her, and stare at her in that red dress. But I understand that she had to go and comfort Jane. Something is definitely off about Ethan. I will be keeping a very close eye on him from now on.

Damn though, I was so close to her. I could practically feel her breath on my chest, her fucking scent clinging to my shirt, making it impossible to take my mind off of her.

I was relieved when Jesse said Ellie and Dina had left to sleep at Dina’s. I’m going to need to be by myself here tonight. Being so close to her and the tension being tighter than ever is making being around her a slow kind of torture. A sweet kind of torture I don’t mind going through if it means I get her in the end.

Fuck.

I shake my head at the depraved thoughts that enter my mind as I walk through the door, my brain too busy to register that the lights were on when I’m sure I left them off.

But then a chill crawls up my spine when I hear her in the kitchen, humming… Like I fucking summoned her.

“It always comes back to this, huh?” I steady myself in the doorway, clutching onto the frame as if to force myself to stay there, to calm myself down and ground me. Stop me from moving too fast.

“Hey,” she smiles at me, making me melt, “thought you’d still be there third wheeling with Tommy and Maria. Ellie wanted to leave, I ran into her outside and offered to walk her home, she’s sleeping in her shed.”

“Jesse told me her and Dina were sleeping over at her place tonight,” I furrow my brow at her.

“Dina was with us, I think they were both just too tired. So, I walked Dina to her place and got Ellie home safe. I’m rewarding myself with a snack. Want some?”

Definitely something suspicious about all this, but as long as Ellie is safe, I won’t press her about it. But I will question Ellie about this later.

She turns her back to me again, and I’m at my limit. The way her dress hugs her ass is breaking something in.

Before I can change my mind, my body moves automatically, nothing I can do to stop it… No, I don’t want to stop it; this has been building for too long.

Her body stiffens as I approach her, not in fear, but in anticipation. She didn’t move, just stood there, waiting for my next move.

“Something on your mind, Miller?”

“A lot of things,” I murmur to her, putting my hands on the counter, caging her between my arms.

“Wouldn’t have something to do with me, would it?” She teases me as she presses her ass against me. I snap like an electric shock from an exposed live wire brushed against me.

“You look so hot,” I give her the compliment I should have when she was here earlier. She gasped as one of my hands went to her waist, and the other went to the front of her neck. Just to feel the shaky breaths she makes as my hand gently ghosts her lower abdomen, slowly going lower.

She whimpers and presses herself against me more. I press myself against her too, letting her feel how fucking hard she has already made me.

I can feel her pulse quicken under my fingers as my other hand reaches down and pulls the hem of her dress up, “Tell me to stop,” I groan against the back of her neck.

She moans as I start kissing the back of her neck, “Miller-“

“No,” my fingers stop lifting the dress, leaving it rolled up to her upper thigh, “Say my name.”

“Please,” She grinds her ass against me, making me growl against her skin.

“That’s not it,” I pull on her hair to yank her head back gently, resting it against my shoulder, unable to stop myself from letting my fingers glide towards the heat radiating between her legs. The hand that is at her neck travels down to her collarbone. 

But I’m robbed of the chance when we hear the back door open. We straighten ourselves up as Ellie stumbles into the kitchen, “Hey Joel, sorry, I ran out of water.”

I look at her suspiciously, “Are you drunk?” I could tell right away by the way she is stumbling around, even though she is trying very hard to walk straight.

“Um… define drunk…”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her shoulders slump as I cross my arms at Ellie, knowing the moment can’t continue. I hope she knows it is much more frustrating for me. Having to deal with another sleepless night. I can’t look at her for long; her chest is heaving as she tries to steady her breathing, and her hair is messy from me grabbing onto it. Fuck, she is really turned on.

I had the chance, I was so close, but I was too busy trying to tease her, and the moment got interrupted. I was so fucking close I could have tasted her. Why didn’t I just spin her around and kiss her? I should have just thrown her over my shoulder and brought her to my bedroom the moment I saw her…. Fuck!

And now, I find out the reason Ellie came back early is that she’s drunk. I turn from Ellie and raise my eyebrows at her. She knew Ellie was drunk when she brought her home. She must have wanted to bring her back safely.

I silently thank her as she nods, “Well, I don’t want to ruin this lovely Father-daughter bonding moment, I’ll… See myself out.”

She gives me a look that makes my chest tighten, a look that says this isn’t over. I watch her leave, wishing I could chase after her and continue. But I have to deal with Ellie. It’s not over, just postponed. Now my cravings for her are going to be even worse. Didn’t think that was fucking possible.

_____________________________________________

Fuck! That was so close, what is happening to me?! I couldn’t control my body… But I liked it… I didn’t know it could feel like that. I’ve never felt so… Hot… So… Desired. I’ve never wanted something so much…

My skin feels hot in the places he touched me, my breathing is still shallow, and my head feels fuzzy, swimming with thoughts of what could have happened had we not been interrupted.

The cool night air does nothing to calm my nerves or cool the heat that seems to be radiating off my body. How am I going to sleep tonight?

I quickly walk up my stairs and let myself in the door. I close it quickly behind me, locking it and leaning against it until I catch my breath. I take a deep breath and step into my house, taking off my heels as I walk.

I’m too wrapped up in my head to focus on the danger that is in front of me. My nerves are sending me way too many signals from the excitement for me to focus until I turn the light on and see who’s standing there waiting for me. Ethan.