Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It took more than just a cigarette to take the edge off when it came to starting at a place you’d only visited, what, twice in your whole life? A whole new area, with new people, new classes, intense classes, and the unfortunate awareness that the only friends you have are a year above you and in none of your classes.

Great. 

Wonderful.

Till would only make it through the first year before, if he could even make it through that.

With a long drag of thick smoke, his gaze remained up on the sky. Taking in every shape of the darkening clouds and the rows of birds lining one after another. The sounds of the trees rustling in wind that had been getting just a bit too strong for his liking. Especially when said noise had nearly made it so he hadn’t heard wheels pulling up onto the gravel afront his house.

Never had Till moved so fast in his life. Not in gym in highschool nor anytime he’d been chased by the cops, instead it was a rush to put out the lit cigarette in between his fingers. Crushing it with the heel of his converse and rushing over to the car pulling up.

There was no hesitation in opening the car door for his mom, but the smile she gave him clearly wasn’t as kind as his gesture.

“I thought we had this discussion before, dear.”

“.. What discussion, mom?”

“About your smoking habits. Can you at least try to be more careful? Smoking in front of the house like that, it’s like you were asking to get caught.”

Joked Io, going to the backseat of her car to take out the bags of the groceries she had bought.

Truthfully, it would have been shameful for an 18 year old going to university like Till, to still be living at home with his mother. But out of convenience of living close by and his own good relationship with Io, Till never saw a reason to move out. It wasn’t like he lived there for free, even though Io tried to decline his offers of paying his part in rent or buying his own food. Io was just a doting mother, she spoiled Till growing up and supported him in everything he did.

That didn’t mean she didn’t have her own nasty habits. Like refusing to accept help from her son, or bickering about his personal health choices. At 15, sure, it was concerning to catch your son behind the garden shed smoking, but at 18 it was his own choice!

“Let me get those for you, mom.”

Till offered to take the remaining bags, but of course Io only waved her hand dismissively and hooked every single bag over her arms like some wonder woman. There were deities with multiple limbs that envied how this woman could carry everything in the house with just her own two.

“You need to go get the bus, dear. No stalling now.”

Io tilt her head up to give her son a peck on the cheek, before locking the car door and taking the bags inside.

There went his attempts to drag out going to university. Now he really had to face the hard, cold reality that he’d have to engage with new people, in a new environment.

Till never considered himself heavily socially anxious nor introverted. More like, he was socially inept and didn’t have a good reputation with socialising. The only friends he hung out with during highschool were already in university, so they were often busy. 

Rather than standing around and sulking about his fate, Till finally set off. It wasn’t like the bus was that far from his house, so it wasn’t a trek to get there, he still wished he could drive though. His grandmother had promised that she would help him get a car if he passed his driving tests, but instead of passing, he managed to fail and also traumatise the poor driving inspector who begged to get out of the car in the process. 

“If I end up late, I might just drop out on my first day.”

Till scoffed to himself, because of course annoyed talking to yourself was a normal thing to do.

It took a moment for Till to register something tapping his nose, at first thinking it had been a bug landing on him. But then came another tap, then another. Raising his head to look up, more tapping gathered on his face, getting faster with every one.

Of course he had forgotten his umbrella, despite checking the forecast about a hundred times to see it was going to rain. 

Of course.

The rain began pouring relentlessly, which caused Till’s stroll to the bus to become a jog. Which became a full speed run when he noticed the bus in the distance, with the doors closing. He had chased after it for a solid few seconds before giving in, already drenched and breathing heavy and now angry. What a way to start your first day of university! Showing up dripping wet with running eyeliner and panting like a dog! 

Maybe he really should have gotten into going on jogs like his mom suggested, it was a little pathetic to be that out of breath just from running for a few seconds. 

At least now he knew he couldn’t escape the rain and knew he couldn’t get the bus, all Till could do was walk. Surrender to his fate and have to arrive on his first day looking like a trainwreck. That should have at least been saved for the second day or some kind of party. 

The moment Till stepped on campus and inside of the building, it was no surprise he drew quite a few eyes on him and small laughs that he ignored with the grace of a very angry swan. Since every time someone snickered or whispered, he shot a glare nastier than expired milk. If it kept them off his case, then he had no reason to feel sorry for them, and his methods had made it so he could successfully make it to the men's bathroom.

Empty, for now, and the dryers seemed to work so that could do something. 

Dumping his bag to the side with a wet thud of the soaked fabric hitting tiles, Till leant down under the hand dryer. The loud whirring hurt his ears, but nothing he wasn’t used to when a lot of the music he listened to full blast was screaming. 

It did do justice, for the most part. 

Dried the wet out of his hair and gave him the functionality to fix it in the mirror. He’d have to clean his face and do his eye makeup too, luckily always bringing spares in case of this sort of thing. Sure, his clothes were still wet but luckily he wore all black and baggy clothing so it wasn’t like it clung awkwardly or drew too much attention.

It had been going well, managing to fix up one of his eyes. Until came the dreaded sound of muffled laughter from outside of the door.

Not just the laughter from one, but the laughter of multiple. 

A group. A group of guys. 

Heading to the same bathroom that had the wrecked Till stood in.

What made that dread spike even more was the flash of obscene red and white the moment the door opened.

Jocks.

And a group of them, too! Of course, because they moved in a pack like wolves that preyed on livestock like Till.

Despite the obnoxious laughing and the clapping of hands on the backs of some tall guy stood in the middle, Till did a decent job at ignoring them. Instead just cleaning off his other eye to fix his makeup on that side. It had been going okay until one of them seemed to finally notice Till, and of course couldn’t just mind his own business.

“Woah dude, you look like a mess.”

He spoke up. A fairly mid height one with that same bulky build that all jocks seemed to have, a dirty blonde with shoulder length hair that looked way too long and needed to be cut as soon as possible.

“Looks like a drowned cat, someone push you in the fountain or something?”

Another one chimed in. 

Before Till knew it, all of them seemed to be back and forth remarking about Till, but still, by now he was used to that, so shutting them down was easy. All of them save for one laughed and teased, the one stood in the centre that seemed stunned by something. What it was had been beyond Till, and really he could have cared less had it not been for the fact his eyes were burning a hole into the side of the poor guy's head.

This guy was the tallest, and the bulkiest of them too. Clearly he had to be their leader or some chad alpha that they listened to, because the moment the guy laughed, all eyes were on him.

“It’s crowded in here, you guys keep bumping into me. Mind if you wait outside?”

All of them seemed to not mind, even joking here and there about ‘shy bladder’, but ultimately they listened which further proved Till’s point of this guy being their leader.

When they all left, there was finally silence. Silence that Till could finish his makeup in. 

Except he would have, had he not been stared at still. It got to such an unbearable point that Till had to avert his gaze from the mirror to the dark and red eyes that stayed on him.

“Can I help you? Or are you going to keep staring at me? If you keep watching me like that then I’m going to charge you.”

Till scoffed, lowering his eye pencil down to arch a brow. 

His remark seemed to snap the guy back into reality, like he forgot where he was. 

“Sorry, it’s just been a while.”

The other forced a laugh, trying to avoid his gaze now, as if the remark actually hit him a bit too hard. But his fake laugh didn’t help with the fact Till really had not a clue who he was, even if he seemed to know him.

“Am I supposed to know what that means? Been a while since what? You talked to another living being? Because the way you stared sure seemed like it.”

Suddenly, that fake smile dropped. Replaced with a look of disbelief at what Till had to say.

“You’re joking. Till, you don’t remember me?”

The sound of his own name from a stranger's mouth had startled Till, to the point he stepped back. 

Till stood staring, trying to rack his brain for who this guy was meant to be. It definitely wasn’t anybody from highschool, or even middleschool for that matter. 

But what caught his attention was those dark eyes that were almost void like, with a center of crimson red. His bottom lip poking out a snaggletooth that looked far too out of place on the face of a handsome jock that should have looked picture perfect. He did know somebody who looked like that, but it had been so long ago that it slipped his mind completely.

When the memories flood back, Till’s startled expression melted into one of dread.

His already wide eyes beginning to widen more, and the pencil in his hand dropping to the tiled floor with a click.

“.. Ivan?”

The name came out quiet. Needing some kind of confirmation it was him, or else he really wouldn’t have believed it, granted the last time he saw him- he did not look like this.

“So you do remember me, huh? And here I was starting to worry I completely dropped your mind.”

Ivan laughed in return, crouching down to pick up the pencil that Till had dropped from his sudden shock. But when he tried to hand it back, the memories went from flooding back to a harsh slap back. Memories hitting Till so hard that he snatched back the pencil and took a step back, a nasty glare returning to the way he looked at him.

“Suddenly I wish you had.”

Till didn’t hesitate in stuffing his pencil into his pocket after putting the cap on, collecting his bag from the floor with no attempt at drying it. He needed out of that bathroom, he needed away from Ivan. He didn’t want to be in the same room as him, he didn’t want to even look at him.

“Till?”

“Move.”

Not getting the chance to step aside before being shoved out of the way, Ivan had been caught off guard. By the sudden reaction, by the look of disgust. It was a look he knew all too well from Till, but why now? Why after all this time? It wasn’t like he got the chance to question, since the moment Till got by him, he had made it out of the bathroom so fast nobody would have even known he’d been in there despite the various puddles of wet on the floor from his dripping attire and bag.

Meanwhile Till couldn’t get ahold of himself. It felt nauseating. Suddenly reliving all of those memories he wanted to bury deep down and never encounter again. Not like this, not when this was meant to be a new start. Of all the times and all of the places for him to show his stupid face again and it had to be here?

No, scratch that. There was no ‘of all places’, Till didn’t want him to show his face at all.

He shouldn’t have shown up at all, he shouldn’t have made his presence known at all.

Now he’d have to deal with that same dread filled questioning all over again.

What the hell was he going to do..?

Chapter Text

Somehow the day went from bad to worse. As if being caught in the rain wasn’t enough and now having to deal with old, hidden abandonment issues and overthinking the past. That and the fact there was water in Till’s phone and he was at his breaking point. 

Fortunately he had a kind enough friend who had old rice at her dorm and said she could bring some for him to put the poor thing in. God bless Hyuna and her weird hoarding issues.

Class went by quick enough since it was just an introduction class, it was still his first day, something that still amazed Till with his god awful luck. The majority of it was just doodling in the sketchbook he was given, considering the one he brought got completely soaked in the rain, because alternative fashion bags are meant to look pretty, not be convenient for drastic weather changes.

“Woah, you look.. Soggy.”

Was the first thing Hyuna had to say to her companion that she hadn’t seen in half a year the moment Till entered the music room. The tug on her lips at trying to hold back laughter was really not helping the case.

“Really? I couldn’t tell. I was starting to wonder why I’ve been feeling like a fish all day.”

Remarked back Till, making his way over to sit on the floor.

“A little ball of sunshine, as always, Till.”

Dewey chimed in with a laugh, stretching his muscled arms up. Despite being a drummer for a low end band, Dewey had a body that Greek gods would envy. Honestly, Till envied it. Compared to Dewey, Till looked like a string bean which did unimaginable wonders for his confidence.

“Sorry, not sorry. It’s been a long day.” 

“Isn’t it only 2pm?”

“Yes.”

Till’s answer was quick, with the look in his eyes of a man that had been through the trenches despite it barely being the afternoon. Dewey did not want to question it further, fearing he’d provoke the beast.

At this point Hyuna had stopped holding back her laughter, but rather than mocking she pulled out her prepared box of rice for Till’s poor phone. 

It was only now that Till even noticed an extra person in the room, his presence so small that it was hard to register he was even there. His arms clung around Hyuna’s and resting his head against her shoulder. Blonde, curly hair and a pair of glasses on the bridge of his nose. His outfit reeked of geek, who wore button ups and cashmere vests anymore?

“Thanks.”

Till took the box.

“Who’s the clingon?”

Hyuna seemed to almost forget the extra presence was there too, until Till gestured his head in a nudge upwards in his direction. When she looked down was when she picked up what he meant and barked out a laugh. 

“This ‘clingon’s name is Luka. Don’t mind him. He’s a friend I made on my first day here and he’s kinda stuck to me since, hope you don’t mind him being here with us. I did say to let me ask first but he’s insistent and I guess I just forgot to bring it up.”

Her explanation made enough sense, granted the fact he really was stuck to her. But Till had no issue with it as long as he didn’t bother.

“Sup’.”

Till greeted with a two finger wave, earning a nod in return. 

“Hello.”

Luka’s voice sounded tired, but that could have just been his natural presence, or maybe whatever course he was on was kicking his ass hard.

“So.. Are you going to tell us about this so-called bad day that you’ve had or are we going to play guessing games?”

Hyuna spoke up, drawing the attention back to her rather than her quiet friend. Why couldn’t she have just left it alone..? Now Till had to actually talk about his issues rather than living entirely off of ‘shit happens’.

“The rain is the starting point, I had to walk to university in it because I missed the bus by a few seconds, my sketchbook and phone are ruined, oh and someone from my childhood who I pisses me of has decided to show his face again.”

“Woah, backtrack. Someone from your childhood? I didn’t know this was a teen drama..”

It only made sense to focus on that point. The rain was one issue but this just felt unreal. Not like Till had room to explain before the door knocked and in came another familiar face. Fortunately not the one he hated but one Till knew well.

“Sorry, had to deal with something on the phone. Oh shit, hey Till, didn’t think you’d end up here before me.”

Isaac noticed him right away as he made his way over to sit beside Dewey, earning an arm thrown over his shoulder and a hearty laugh.

“Your ex again?”

“Yes, my ex again.”

Till perked up at this and arched a brow.

“Is this the same ex from the last time I saw you? Did you two get back together or something? It’s been half a year, there’s no way she’s still bothering you.”

He questioned.

“You’d be surprised, she practically blows up every social media I have. But anyway, that's a me thing, what are we talking about?”

“Till’s got some highschool drama going on on his first day- hey!”

Dewey was quick to interject before Till could speak, which earned getting a pencil thrown at his head and leaving the other pouting.

“It’s not some highschool drama, asshole! I haven’t seen him since elementary school, then he just left. This isn’t some big scandal or novel like you think it is, I want nothing to do with him.”

Which was true. Till didn’t want to see his face again, and as much as he wanted to convince himself that he’d moved on, he was still angry. Going to university and starting over after the hell that was highschool, only to be reintroduced to someone he detested, it felt like some kind of sick final boss to finish Till off.

Ivan since childhood had been a nuisance. Followed him around all the time, stole his stuff, picked fights, did everything and anything he could to piss Till off. But despite everything, Till wanted to consider him close. He visited his home, knew his mother, they sat together all the time and played, that had to have meant something, right?

“Earth to Till, do you copy?”

Till didn’t even register he was lost in thought until Hyuna snapped her fingers in front of his face to try and bring him back. He had missed an entire conversation aimed at him, before he was too focused on that moron. Even now, he followed him.

“This really did hit you harder than you laid it on..”

“It didn’t hit me at all!”

Snapped back Till, resting his back against the wall and folding his arms across his chest with both legs propped up. He looked like a child throwing a tantrum, but a lanky child.

“I don’t know what the deal is with him, but you could just ignore him, or better yet, talk to him? I mean, you’re both adults. If it’s bothering you so bad you go into your own little world then somethings gotta be covered. This isn’t just a preschool thing, if you remember it this harshly.”

Hyuna suggested, bringing her free hand up to scratch behind her neck. That had always been the type of person Hyuna was, confronting everything head first, until it was her own issues. She gave loaded advice that she didn’t even follow.

“You’re kidding.”

Till scoffed.

“This happened back in elementary. Like you said, we’re both adults, I can just ignore him and be on my way. Like I said, I want nothing to do with him, he’s just some jock now, and we were like 10 years old, I didn’t even realise it was him at first.”

“He’s a jock? Hey, I might know him then!”

With a wide grin, Dewey piped up.

Right. That was why he was muscled. Dewey, despite being in an alternative band, was on the football team. He himself went to dorm parties wearing those chunky varsity jackets and tank tops, but in the music room, he always felt more like Till and Hyuna. It was hard to imagine someone could have both lives so easily.

“I don’t want you to know, you think of all people getting involved, I’d want it to be you?”

“Awhe, come on Till! Think of it this way, if he’s so annoying, I could even beat him up if he does anything- ow!”

Dewey yelped, cut off by a smack to the back of his head by Isaac sat beside him.

“You’re not fighting anybody. If Till doesn’t want you involved in it, then you’re not getting involved with it. It’s his business, not yours.”

“Thank you, Isaac.”

It felt like a breath of air having somebody sane as a friend, Isaac always seemed like the most level headed one of the group. Till had just a touch of anger issues and some reclusive tendencies, Hyuna had issues with hiding her problems and was a tad reckless, Dewey was also reckless but more so he was lacking braincells, while Isaac seemed to be the only one who actually tried to get involved and stop that kind of thought process in his friends.

Well, now Luka was here, he could have been the same, but it was hard to tell which he was when the guy never spoke or involved in anything.

“What do you think, Luka?”

“Hyuna!”

As if reading his mind, Hyuna looked down at her quiet friend, requesting his input on drama with a guy he’d known for maybe 10 minutes.

Luka remained quiet for a while, as if he was trying to think of what was best to say in this scenario. He wasn’t, because what came out of his mouth was-

“I think you’re stupid.”

This caused Till’s eye to twitch in annoyance while Hyuna laughed nervously, trying to stop him, which didn’t seem to work as he continued.

“Holding grudges for that long and not talking about it is dumb. If it happened when you were children then it can be solved as adults, you wouldn’t even tell us who he was to you or what the deal was with that. I think you should actually confront it and talk to him about it or else it’s going to keep occupying your head, and you don’t seem to want that.”

Luka explained everything, the most words he’d said this entire time. His voice was deadpan and clearly unbothered about the fact Till looked like he was 5 seconds away from pouncing on him like a feral raccoon. Hyuna especially noticed this and laughed louder, waving her hand quickly.

“Come on, Till, don’t get violent now. You’ll break my heart!”

Hyuna tried to dissolve the situation, while Till still glared.

“I don’t like you.”

Was all Till said to Luka, earning the blonde to stick out his tongue at him like a child. 

The rest of the break had been spent discussing other matters to take the heat off of Till. About his mother, about practice times, what venues they can perform and Isaac’s crazy ex girlfriend.

By the time all of his classes had ended, it had still been pouring it down. 

Till stood at the exit of the campus, a large canopy that shielded him from the rain, while he tried to figure out how he could get to the bus stop without getting drenched. 

“Need some help?”

The sudden familiar voice caused Till’s shoulders to visibly tense, not wanting to look beside him, knowing fully that if he did then he’d be face to face with the devil himself.

Till glared ahead of himself, and against his better judgement, side eyed upwards. Of course, as expected, the one beside him had that same plastered smile with a poking out tooth, holding up a large, black umbrella that looked like it cost more than his rent. Honestly, who wastes that much money on an umbrella? It barely even rained, that was just pathetic.

Deciding to say nothing, Till took a step forward into the rain. Getting drenched again was a kinder fate than having to deal with this asshole again. He didn’t get the chance to feel the rain hit him, dry the second he stepped out. When he looked up, there was darkness, the umbrella looming over him and the rain pattering against him. 

“I didn’t say I wanted your help.”

Till scoffed, side eyeing Ivan again as he continued to walk, but every step forward, Ivan followed with that same, irritating smile.

“I didn’t say I’d let you decide against it.”

Ivan remarked back, following Till with the umbrella held over the both of them. He strangely knew the way to the bus stop, even though Till was under the impression it was Ivan’s first day also.

The walk to the bus stop was quiet, save for the sounds of rain hitting the umbrella and their footsteps in the puddles lining the sidewalk. Ivan never said a word, out of character for him. 

“Till.”

Ivan broke the silence, against Till’s best interest. But when he got no response, he stared at him again.

“Till.”

“Oh my god, what?”

Till’s response earned a smile from the jock beside him, one pleased in the fact he got some kind of answer, or even just pleased with getting a reaction of annoyance.

“I was only going to ask about your makeup. Why exactly do you use makeup to make yourself look tired? Isn’t that against the whole point?”

The question was reasonable, but said in a teasing way that made Till’s blood boil.

“Why exactly won’t you mind your own business?”

“Snappy, still. Even after all of this time you can’t control your temper.”

Oh Till was absolutely going to snap. Snap his neck if he carried on. 

But as if a divine message from the Gods themself, the bus arrived, meaning Till could get on and not have to see Ivan’s stupid smug smirk again. 

“See you, Till.”

“Piss off.”

Till remarked one last time before getting on the bus. Ivan didn’t move from his spot on the sidewalk until the bus left, and even then, Till didn’t need to look out of the window to know that Ivan watched as it drove out of view. Refusing to leave until Till could no longer be stared at. 

Now was the issue of getting home and protecting both himself and the bag in his arms from the rain. Till shoved it under his shirt in hope the double layers of fabric as well as his own torso from holding it close, would protect everything inside from the rain as he booked it from the bus stop to his front door.

Entering panting and drenched, again. Two times in a day.

Inside sat Io, on the sofa with a cup of something. Possibly tea, possibly hot chocolate, Till just knew his mother never drank coffee because she said it was too strong for her. 

Io seemed to notice the sound of the door and looked over with a smile.

“Welcome home, dear- oh!”

She gasped, putting her drink down when she realised her son was drenched. Still, she put her hand to her mouth and bit back a laugh, going to the bathroom quickly to get a warm towel for him.

“You look..”

“Wet? Yes, I know.”

Till huffed, taking the towel with a thank you and putting his bag on the floor. Io laughed softly, which for once, caused Till to loosen. A small curve of his lips and a huff of a laugh that could barely be considered one, but it felt like one.

“I’m gonna go to my room and get dry. I’ll tell you how everything went when I’m dry.”

“Alright, take your time. I’ll make you something warm to drink so you don’t catch your death.”

Io ruffled Till’s wet hair, despite the fact he had been taller than her and 18, she treat him like she had when he was 10. It was endearing, really, and always calmed Till down.

Trudging up to his room while wet, Till discarded his shirt and pants, having to even change his boxers. The warm towel did wonders in calming his anger after that interaction, and drying his wet hair and body. Once in comfortable clothes, he sat on his bed and stared at the wall, not for long before flopping down into the sheets and looking at the ceiling. His hands coming up to hold his face, then spread into his hair, trying to register everything from today.

More importantly, trying to register the fact Ivan wasn’t going to make this easy.

It was him that abandoned Till, and now he was deciding he wanted to be back in his life again like nothing happened? Like hell.

He wasn’t going to get away with it that easy.

Chapter Text

All day the interactions the day before had been on Ivan’s mind. Just seeing Till again, after thinking he’d never see him again, and the face he got was the exact same face he would have gotten back then.

Through class was the same usual attitude. Focus on work, smile and laugh at his friends, catch up with the teacher and talk about her recent divorce. The same routine day in and day out.

Ivan had nothing to complain about, everything had been good for him. In a good university, his studies going well, getting to be away from home and with funding from his parents. And all he had to do was keep being a good student and meet his parents expectations.

But now, there was a distraction. A distraction with grey hair and wearing enough black to absorb any sunlight in the vicinity. Ivan had no idea Till would end up alternative when he got older, he never seemed the type, but he had no complaints at all. He still looked good regardless, it still suited him.

This distraction was making it hard to focus, not noticing when his friends talked to him, not picking up when the teacher called on him. It took a rough hit to the back to snap him out of his thoughts as he daydreamed and tapped his pen against the desk. After the question was repeated, he was able to answer after some hesitation.

The teacher questioned if everything had been okay, and that Ivan had looked out of it since he entered the class. But with his usual practiced smile, he only nodded and explained that he’d had a lot of homework to do the night before. The teacher fawned. Good.

In the hallways after walking into a pole was when Ivan had decided he’d had enough of these distractions. The two people he knew best that he could talk to about anything, even though he hesitated over the message button.

Ivan prodded at his food with a fork, his cheek resting against his hand and not acknowledging the two girls sitting on the opposite side of him. Sua sat drinking her boba with Mizi impossibly close, her arms around Sua’s arm and cuddled into her side.

“It’s like elementary school again, he looked at me like he hated me.”

Ivan finally spoke up.

“He probably does.”

“Sua! Ivan, I’m sure that’s not the case.. He must be conflicted..”

Sua had tried to rest her case but Mizi had interjected.

After seeing Till in the bathroom the day before, Ivan had wanted to keep it to himself as much as physically possible, not wanting to talk about it. But the whole scenario was eating at him, and the only people he really knew he could talk to had been his sister and her girlfriend, Ivan’s best friend.

Till and Mizi had been the same age, while Sua and Ivan had been twins, the same age themselves. Sua and Ivan started university the year before, while it was Mizi’s first year, like Till. However, Till started later than Mizi, due to course differences and living situations. Mizi had already known Till was going to be going to the same university, but didn’t want to say anything.

Sua stared, “We really can’t help you on this front, Ivan.”

“She has a point.. Till never really talked to me the last year of highschool, he cut everybody out, even Hyuna and Dewey. This is the first time I’m seeing him in such a long time, I really thought he hated me.”

Sighed Mizi, shaking her head. 

Right, she hadn’t known about Till’s very obvious feelings for her. Of course not, since Sua was directly in front of her and taking up the majority of her time and attention. How could she possibly have noticed the swooning and blushing Till who had been desperate for her attention?

Ivan was starting to regret bringing it up.

He had been thinking of it non-stop. There wasn’t any way to address any of it, even when they saw each other outside at the bus stop and Till was going to be caught in the rain. Ivan wanted to help, Till rejected, Ivan helped anyway, Till scoffed.

Anytime they were near each other, Till had that same dejected attitude, reserving himself away, and all Ivan could do was push his luck and try to get close anyway. This had been the case as long as he’d known Till, but at least back then, they had been somewhat close despite Till’s hatred for him. It was selfish, but Ivan couldn’t stop himself from trying.

“Ivan, you’re not kids anymore.”

Sua interrupted, snapping Ivan out of spiralling in his thoughts again.

“You can tell he doesn’t want anything to do with you, and he’s clearly avoiding you. Just stop bothering him and move on, it’s not good for you to be this focused on him to the point you keep zoning out in classes.”

Mizi shook her head against Sua’s side.

“I don’t agree.. It’s like you said, they’re not children anymore. Ivan and Till are adults, even if Till has always been a bit immature. They can talk about it, I’m sure!”

Ever the optimist, Mizi beamed. Ivan could tell she wanted this all to be sorted out so they could go back to being friends as a group again, like they had back in elementary, but both Sua and Ivan could tell that wouldn’t be possible. Even still, Ivan plastered a smile, his thick brows furrowing slightly at the mere thought of trying to patch things up with one of the most stubborn men on earth.

“Me and Till haven’t gotten along since we were kids, Mizi. I really don’t think that’s going to change now, I doubt that we’ll get anywhere.”

“But that’s just it! You only doubt!”

Huffed Mizi. Even Sua seemed to catch on to what she meant and nodded.

“As much as I still think you should just leave it be, she’s right. We aren’t Till, you’re thinking about what will happen from your point of view and not his. And if you can’t tell, we aren’t Till, we don’t know how he’ll handle it nor what he’ll say.”

The two of them were right, as much as Ivan hated that. He despised when his sister was right, she may not show it on her face but she was always smug when she had made a point that Ivan couldn’t rebuttal.

Ivan sighed, “I’ll think about it.”

The rest of the conversation had just been about Mizi’s first week, the frat party she had been planning and about Sua’s studies. Of course, Sua’s studies weren’t as interesting of a conversation compared to Mizi’s parties but Ivan could handle it well enough.

The whole interaction did nothing to ease Ivan’s wandering thoughts, if anything, it made it even worse now he had to contemplate whether he should go with Sua’s opinion or Mizi’s opinion. The idea of engaging with Till again, Ivan didn’t know if he could handle it. Deciding for the time being, he might as well just go back to his dorm to think some things over and get to doing some of the homework he’d missed thanks to his lack of focus.

That was until he caught a glimpse of familiar grey and black, this time stood outside with a lit cigarette between his fingers and his other arm resting against his chest.

Mizi had informed him after he moved that Till had picked up smoking in highschool, apparently getting caught by the teachers for it a few times and got in trouble. Still, he hadn’t seemed to drop the bad habit. 

Ivan knew he should have listened to Sua, to just leave Till alone. But how could he? He wanted to see him again, to be around him again and hear him, even if the words he gave him were hateful. It was something he’d always accepted, harsh words and punches if it meant that Till would be around him. Friend or enemy. 

“Smoking is bad for you, you know.”

Ivan had always had a quiet presence, always sneaking up on people. So it was no surprise the reaction he got was a startled one. The smoke from the cigarette seemed to go down the wrong pipe, gathered by how he choked on it and started violently coughing into his hand. Tears pricking at Till’s eyes, which only caused Ivan to smile.

“I thought that stuff was all over the box.”

Despite Ivan trying to lecture, Till only silently glared, taking a side step away, before turning entirely and walking a good distance away. But of course, that wasn’t enough to stop Ivan, his own legs following without much thought. This was what it was going to be between them, just like when they were kids. Till trying to get away, Ivan following. 

With every step closer, Till would move a few steps back. Until he finally spoke up.

“Will you fuck off? Leave me alone.”

Once again, he tried to get away, but this time he didn’t get the chance. Not when Ivan had quickly wrapped his hand around Till’s wrist, preventing him from moving away. 

“Will you stop avoiding me? No? Then not a chance.”

Ivan gave a teasing grin, but his grip on Till had clearly caused his general annoyance to burn into rage. His cigarette dropping to the floor and trying to tear his wrist away, but to no avail since Ivan had been stronger and relentless. An immovable force.

Till barked, “Knock it off!”

Using his other hand to hit Ivan’s wrist so he’d let go of him. Just as he was about to leave again, this time Ivan grabbed his arm, but Till was faster and shoved him back.

The grin on Ivan’s lips spread wider, returning the same thing that Till had done, shoving him back with as much force, nearly knocking him back.

“What’s your fucking deal?! Asshole!”

Till shoved his hand into Ivan’s chest and caused him to stagger. 

“My deal? What’s your deal?”

“You’re so fucking annoying!”

“About as annoying as your quick whit or snap-”

There was no time to even finish his sentence, before Till lost his composure. The harsh sting and cracking sound against Ivan’s jaw, causing his head to be thrown to the side. His body staggering back slightly as he touched where the punch landed. His eyes drifted over to Till, seeing his chest rising and falling from the anger he’d been trying to hold back and failed to, his fist tightened and looking at Ivan with a hatred burning behind his gaze.

Balling up his fist, Ivan grabbed the collar of Till’s shirt and threw a punch back, landing in his eye. 

“Fuck!” 

Till cussed, launching another punch at Ivan’s nose. The back and forth attacks were getting faster, more violent. Till winding Ivan, Ivan shoving him off of his feet and tackling him, Till kicking him in the thigh with his converse and Ivan pulling his hair. Rolling around on the grass throwing punches and kicks.

By the end of it, the two of them were sat out of breath. Beaten and bloody.

Ivan sat with his legs parted and arms resting back on the grass as he tried to breathe, blood seeping from a cut on his lip that his tooth had caused, and even more blood trickling down his nose that he was sure was broken.

While Till had been on his hands and knees, spitting out blood onto the floor from biting his tongue, hair a mess and a black eye forming where Ivan’s fist had decked him. 

The two of them had been a mess, but when they locked eyes after the fight, Ivan only smirked and licked the blood off that had been leaking down his lip, causing Till to physically recoil and struggle to stand himself to get away. He looked scared, or possibly embarrassed, with a raging fire of anger. 

Ivan’s heart raced.

After that, Till turned on his heel and ran. Ran like he was trying to get away from a beast, a reaction that Ivan had been far too familiar with from their antics back at elementary school. And now he was left by himself, still trying to catch his breath from the adrenaline wearing off. His body fell back onto the grass, arms splayed while he stared at the sky, relishing in the stinging from the tear in his lip and his slightly crooked nose. Hair tossled, improper and untended to, a look that Ivan never allowed when he had a persona of being perfect to keep up. Being a mess would ruin his image and cause people to talk.

But the pain of it, and the image burnt into the back of his mind of Till throwing punches at him like that. The suffocating feeling of being winded, the burn of being smacked.

From anybody else, it would have been different. The pain of it all would have left him angry, yet he’d still keep a fake smile as he said that everything was okay.

But from Till?

The smile was real, disgustingly real.

He was euphoric.

Chapter Text

It really was just one thing after another. 

There was hope that after the chaos that had been Till’s first day, that maybe the day after would be fine. Nothing could beat missing the bus, getting caught in the rain, your phone breaking and meeting a long lost enemy- right?

Wrong.

Instead, this time had been Till forgetting his bag and guitar at home so by the time he got to university and realised, had to go all the way back home again, arrive to his class late and then getting shoved into a wall by some jock assholes. And just as he thought he could escape for a moment to take a smoke break and ease the annoyances, he was instead caught by said enemy who he ended up having a fight with and left looking like someone stuck him in a room with a pro wrestler.

Now was the worst part of trying to make it through the halls without being caught so he could get home and forget all of this ever happened.

“Till? What the hell happened to you, dude?”

Well, there went his plans.

At least by somebody worth his time. Just Hyuna who had caught him, walking up to him and laughing worriedly at the state of him. 

“Did you walk into a revolving door?”

Till huffs, “I walked into an asshole who wanted to ruin my day even more.”

Hyuna clicked her tongue and made a hissing noise, taking Till’s wrist and dragging him off. Till didn’t need to question it to know she was just taking him to her dorm, or at least outside. Anywhere that wasn’t these hallways.

But his guess had been correct as Hyuna took out her key and unlocked the door, bringing Till in and closing it after her.

“My roommates out so you can just sit down. I’ll get some ice and aspirin for you.

“Thanks.”

Till took this time to look around Hyuna’s room, well, Hyuna and her roommates room. 

It was obvious to tell which side was hers by the countless band posters, old merch of their own band, a calendar that gave a new curse word everyday as well as some of Till’s old drawings that she had kept. Her roommate, on the other hand, had a drastically different vibe. That side of the room was all pink, decorated in a way that made it look like a highschool sweetheart romance comedy. Posters of K-pop idols and cut outs of hearts and stars, even some sticky notes with quotes and things written by what looked like friends.

What caught Till’s eye, though, was their polaroid collection. He couldn't help from sticking his nose in, and quickly wished that he hadn’t when in the photograph he recognised bright pink hair and vibrant golden eyes. 

“Your roommate is Mizi?”

Questioned Till, looking over at Hyuna as she walked out with a cup of water and some medicine, as well as a cold cloth for his eye. 

“Oh, yeah! She only started last week, but she's out with her girlfriend right now. What, you know her?”

“Know her is an understatement..”

Remarked Till, rolling his eyes and taking the offerings from Hyuna. 

It was true, they once were close. Or at least, Till hoped they were close. They went through school together, from elementary to highschool. But during the last year of highschool, Till had distanced himself from her. Both her and Sua. It had been a year since they spoke, Till didn’t even have their contacts in his phone anymore, intending to cut contact entirely.

He did have feelings for Mizi, strong feelings that were hard to put a label on. She was just so bright and kind that it made it hard for Till to say no, or to make his heart stop beating so fast. But after a year of not talking at all and avoiding her and Sua, Till thought it was rude to just suddenly step back into their lives, especially when they were starting university, so left everything. The group chats, their private messages, unfollowed them on everything and left.

Hyuna beamed, “Shes actually throwing a frat party tomorrow! You should come Till.”

The suggestion was enough to make Till choke on his water and sputter. Having to cough and hit his chest, before throwing a deadpan glare at Hyuna.

“No chance.”

“Oh come on, Till!”

“No way. Not only do I not do parties as a whole, but also I haven’t talked to Mizi and Sua in so long. As well as the fact I could run into Ivan, and I do not want to be dealing with that again.”

But even still, Hyuna was relentless as always. Sitting herself beside Till and throwing her arm around his shoulder.

“So what if you see him? You can use this time to show him you’re unphased and unbothered!”

“I am phased and bothered.”

“The more you try to avoid him, the more he’s going to take that as winning! You don’t want to give him that satisfaction, do you? Thinking that you pussied out after a fight?”

.. Damn Hyuna and her way of knowing how to get to Till so effortlessly.

Till knew she had a point, but that didn't mean he wanted to acknowledge it. Not when there were so many issues with it. Seeing Mizi and Sua again after this long would be awkward. Sua would definitely call him out, she always was blunt and honest. But the thought of Ivan thinking he’d won made his blood boil and overpower all other objections.

“I’ll only go under the one condition that you drive me home to change, and you drive me there and back.”

“I’m not an Uber, Till.”

“Do you want me to go, or not?”

“Fine fine, I’ll be your taxi for the night.”

Finally, Hyuna agreed and sighed, twirling her wrist.

Honestly, Till couldn’t understand why she wanted him to go so bad. Sure, Till was new so maybe it was wanting to try and socialise since Hyuna always used to go out of her way to make sure Till was involved in things, even when he had his hood up and head down, trying to make himself as small as possible so he didn’t have to.

She would only end up abandoning him again while she went and talked to others like she did. Ever the popular party girl. While Till had been the living embodiment of a hermit crab. Wore clothes that covered every inch of skin despite the slight rips in his jeans, kept his hand on a cup and stood at a wall on the far end of the room so nobody would notice his presence, refusing to look at people or engage then just waited until it got too late and he could leave.

Parties were never his forte, too much socialising. He’d take sitting at home being forced to watch game shows with his mother while she argued about the answers with him.

The entire night was spent dreading the party, having to plan his outfit ahead of time and make sure it was at a time his mom wouldn’t be around to interrogate him or he may not go at all. There was a lot of second guessing and trying to plan an escape route in his head, with the hopes that he could just not go and say he was dying of the black plague, but Hyuna always got her way.

Stood at the car park the moment it was time to drive Till home, because of course the only time in Hyuna’s life where she was ever organised was when it came to a party night.

“Don’t take too long, alright?”

Hyuna adjusted her mirror, then looked at Till.

Till only scoffed, “I’ll take as long as I need. My mom isn’t going to call the cops on you, calm down. She knows who you are.”

There was no room for argument as Till got out of the car instantly and traversed up his driveway to the front door. As expected, his mom had already been in bed by now after Till said he’d be at university longer than usual today. So, it was an easy rush to his bedroom to get his outfit together that he’d laid on his desk chair. Accessories of belts, fingerless gloves and quickly painting his nails. Then all he had to do was eyeliner, fix up his hair a bit, and then he returned to Hyuna’s car after locking the door.

Hyuna snickered, “15 minutes, that’s a world record, I’m impressed.”

Till only rolled his eyes and ignored her while pulling out his phone. About 10 messages from Dewey about the fact Till was coming to the party, so he decided to take it upon himself to take a bunch of pictures. Like he was going to miss the beginning part that badly.

Music had been blasting and muffling out of the frat house the moment Till and Hyuna even came near. Some people outside talking and drinking from the kind of stereotypical red cups you’d see in the movies. Cheerleaders gossiping about god knows what and geeks that preferred to stand outside and away from the hell that went on inside.

“Is it too late to change my mind and go home?”

Till questioned, and earned a wide grin and a pat on the back.

“Far too late, buddy.”

And just like that, the doors opened. Inside was just as dramatic as outside. Music blaring, LED lights in different rooms with different colours, people chatting and laughing, playing beer pong. Every group had their own place, yet Till found nowhere that the emo loner could go.

“Till?”

A sudden, familiar voice snapped Till into a harsh reality. He had no chance to even look in the direction it came before there was an excited squeal and soon he had been engulfed in a tight hug. Till’s face burnt up when Mizi retracted herself with such a beautiful, bright smile, as usual.

“It’s been so long! I haven’t seen you in, like, a year now? I’m so happy you came, I’d been wanting to see you again but I never caught you on campus!”

Mizi exclaimed, clasping her hands together and jumping slightly. She wasn’t the same as she had been in middle school, not looks wise at least. Back then, her hair was always in two big ponytails, and round glasses always on the bridge of her nose. But now her hair remained down and her outfit was more eccentric and outgoing than a school uniform, she seemed like a different person, despite being so, so similar.

“Oh. Y-.. Yeah. It’s good t-.. To see you again.”

The nerves found their way to Till, causing him to stammer on his words and pink dust his cheeks while he tried to look anywhere but the bright girl in front of him. She still looked so happy, albeit now a tad confused by Till’s reaction, but that smile didn’t last by a sudden realisation.

“Hey, your eye is pretty bruised up.. So is your cheek. Ivan came in with a good few bruises as well, did you two fight?”

So Ivan was here. Great.

“No.” Till lied. “I got caught up with some wannabe assholes. It’s n-no big deal, really..”

Till brought his hand up behind his neck to scratch awkwardly, looking anywhere but Mizi now that she had seemed concerned more than her usual excitement. Luckily, they were cut off by somebody calling her name, so she was quick to respond.

“Hold on!”

Mizi turned to Till.

“You should come with me and come meet some of the people here! It’s good to get out there and socialise, come on!”

There wasn’t even a second to decline, since Mizi had taken his arm and dragged him into the crowds. Seriously, what was it with people dragging Till around recently? He was a person, not a damn dog being taken on a walk.

Except for Mizi, he’d let it happen. Hyuna and Mizi could fuck off.

Till kept a sharp eye out for any sign of dark hair and eyes, or even that red and white combination he hated so much. Jocks wearing such bright colours felt like when animals in the wild were yellow and black, a warning sign to get the fuck away. It was a blessing over anything.

There hadn’t been any sign of him for a long while, as Mizi kept dragging him back and forth between people. He hadn’t really said anything, he didn’t want to, these kinds of people weren’t his kind of people. Not many people at all were his type of people. But at least these random people and endless conversations between Mizi and them had meant it was more time away from Ivan. 

Of course, not noticing that the man he’d been trying to avoid all night, had a burning gaze on him the entire time.

Chapter Text

The moment Till had finally found his way out of Mizi’s grasp of socialising, he had escaped to whatever random room he could. There were too many people, too many eyes on Mizi which meant too many eyes on him. Till wanted out. 

Finding a room that seemed to have the least amount of people, Till could finally take a breath. Even though the place reeked of all of the different perfumes and colognes mixed with alcohol and sweat, it was much more of a breath of fresh air than being stood having to talk to these strangers Mizi had insisted he speak to.

It wasn’t Mizi’s fault. Till knew that already. She was just a social person, and no matter where she went, there were eyes on her. As popular and kind as ever, always wanting to be hospitable and share her time with several different people in one night. Honestly, Till envied her. Having that much want to talk, rather than having to deal with his draining social battery the moment he stepped into a room that had more than 4 people.

There wasn’t any time left to breathe when suddenly an unknown voice cut through his thoughts.

“You’re that emo from art, aren’t you?”

It wasn’t anybody he’d ever seen before, but the chunky varsity jacket in red and white with the school's logo on it had told Till more than enough.

When Till remained quiet, he spoke up again, “Hello? I’m asking you a question?”

“And I don’t have one. Not sure if you’ve noticed but there’s a lot of people that study art and look like me.”

Till snapped back, earning the other guy to laugh. His breath stunk of cheap booze, which indicated he was getting far too close. Just as Till was about to try and leave, the guys arm had been beside his head.

“I like your attitude.”

Till scoffed, “Yeah? Well I don’t like yours.”

“Nasty bite. Wanna show me more of it somewhere private?”

“In your dreams.”

No matter what Till said, the guy wouldn’t catch the hint. As he had been balling his fist, ready to throw a punch, there was the sound of cheering, before another arm clad in red and white had been thrown over the guys shoulder.

“Mingyu! Hyun-woo is beating your high score at beer pong, he’s on a roll, you gotta come see!”

That voice was familiar, if the snaggletooth poking through a wide grin hadn’t been enough to give it away.

“Huh? Seriously?!”

Just like that, the stubborn asshole had turned and booked it off to the other room, clearly finding a table of cups more important than scoring, but Till had no complaints in that.

Ivan had watched him leave, turning his gaze to Till. A smirk spread on his lips. Now Till was questioning which was a worse fate. Dealing with some asshole jock who wouldn’t leave him alone, or dealing with the same thing but as Ivan.

“You gonna just stand around by yourself the whole party?”

Ivan questioned, stuffing his hands in his pockets. His voice was condescending, enough to make Till grumble.

“Dunno, you gonna stand around wasting my time?”

“Mn.” Ivan tapped his lip, “Sounds like fun.”

“Fuck off.”

Till gave Ivan no more room to talk, instead making his way elsewhere. The bathroom, an empty hallway, a spare bedroom, just anywhere that he didn’t have to see that irritating smug grin or deal with more intolerable people. Now he was starting to regret coming here, there was a reason he didn’t go to parties.

Instead of some random room, Till just decided it’d be best to go outside and go down the side of the building. If there was anybody fucking there, he was going to throw up. Fortunately, despite his bad luck, the area had been completely empty. Somewhere he could light a cigarette and try and ignore everything that had been happening.

The smoke tangled into cold breath, suddenly wishing he’d worn something warmer. Why did university have to start in September? It was freezing, got dark way earlier too. He knew nicotine had been bad for you, but the moment the smoke escaped his lips, his back relaxed against the wall and his gaze focusing on the sky rather than the muffled sound of music behind him. Stars were next to impossible to see now, it was hard to tell whether they were actually stars or just several hundred planes with flashing lights.

However, Till was soon snapped out of his thoughts by the eerie feeling of someone looming nearby. The same presence he knew far too well.

“Are you some kind of stalker? What do you not understand about ‘fuck off’?”

“The part where I do what you tell me to.”

Ivan bit back, swaggering over with his hands in his pockets like the only thing in his life to do was to bother Till to the ends of the earth.

“All you ever do is leave.”

“And all you ever do is follow. Seriously, do you not have anything better to do?”

“Do you? Seems all you do is wander off by yourself, are you really that aversed to people?”

Till snarled, raising his fist, “Will you stop turning everything I say back on me?!”

But he couldn’t land a punch this time. Instead, his hand got caught by Ivan’s. Then when he tried to launch another to get him to let go, that one was caught too. Before he got the time to react, his back was against the wall. Suffocatingly close to that red and white he loathed, and the fact their eyes didn’t meet with Ivan being taller than he had been when they were young, it made Till even angrier. 

“If you don’t let go, right now, I’m going to knee you in the balls so hard your ancestors are going to feel it.”

But the only response he got was laughter, which made Till’s blood boil. 

Then, Ivan let go. For whatever reason, he complied, but still kept close and looked down at him with something unreadable in his expression. At this point, Till couldn’t tell if the warmth in his face was from the heat coming from how close Ivan was, or the fact he was about to blow a fuse. 

Whatever that answer was, he didn’t want to find out. So both of his hands came to Ivan’s chest to push him back, strings of curses and angry mumbles as he made his way back inside. He could tell that Ivan was grinning behind him, which wasn’t helping. There really was no escape, inside or out.

The thought of just leaving the party crossed his mind, but instead he found his way grabbing cup after cup of that same cheap booze he judged that jock for drinking. Just wanting to try and take the edge off of his irritation. It had worked, but a bit better than he had expected. 

Suddenly it had been a lot harder to walk straight, the cold that once fogged his lips now replaced with blood rushing to his face and making it far too hot. The room was spinning, but yet it still felt more tolerable than all of the people talking and the cringy party music blasting.

It had always been a known thing that Till had an awful tolerance for alcohol. He had been a lightweight for years, the first time he got drunk was when he was younger, 16, and it only took a bottle. Even though he got older, his tolerance still remained the same. He hadn’t expected to get so drunk, just wanting to calm himself down, but instead found himself barely able to walk down the hallway. 

His feet managed to stagger one after the other, but he lost his footing. The walls being too flat to try and stop himself from falling, but at least he managed to fall into the arm of somebody else who had been stronger, considering they could hold his body weight. 

“Not so bitey now, are you?”

The voice was familiar, but not enough for Till to name who it had been. Honestly, he just wanted to leave, to go home and lay down. The music was too loud and the people were too chatty, the lights making him even dizzier than he already had been.

“Let’s get you laid down, hm?”

Whoever had been holding onto him had been a jock, even while plastered he could never mistake the feeling of those varsity jackets and the colour alone. Till had wanted to object, since this person clearly didn’t know where he lived, but he seemed to know the way somewhere. It was only when he saw the door to a room in the house that he registered he had been taken to the guest bedroom.

Or he would have, had the arm holding him up not been ripped away from him. Everything happened too quickly for his hazy brain to register, but the sound of a fist cracking into bone was unmistakable, something Till had heard far too many times. 

“What’s your problem?!”

That jock had exclaimed, red pouring down from his nose, despite holding onto it in his best attempts to try and hold it all in. 

“Oh.. Shit.”

He had suddenly corrected his attitude for whatever reason, then another arm found it’s way around Till. This time, the body was bigger, but still had that same jacket on. When Till’s eyes travelled up, he was met with piercing black and red, eyes he knew even despite his drunken state.

“Piss off..”

Till’s voice slurred, trying to push Ivan’s arm off, but there wasn’t enough fight left in him and his arm returned around Till’s waist to hold him up.

Ivan smiled, “Mizi, I’m going to take Till home. He’s had way too much to drink.”

Of course, Mizi had no complaints, instead going to Till to ruffle his hair. Her bright smile causing Till to fluster, head pushing into her hand and fawning. A lazy smile on his face that had caused Mizi to giggle. 

“Alright! Good timing, Hyuna had meant to be his ride home, but she must have forgotten. She’s way too drunk to be driving. Do you know the way to Till’s place?”

Asked Mizi, looking up at Ivan and tapping her lip curiously. It had been so long since Ivan had been to that house, yet Ivan still nodded. 

“Of course. I’d been there a million times. Thanks for the party, I’ll see you tomorrow, alright? Take care.”

“Bye! Get back safe or I’ll have your sister track you down!”

There was an audible gulp and nervous laugh from Ivan, before he bid farewell once more and returned Till back into the freezing cold. Where he lived was out of the way, not far from the university, but a trek to walk. Yet, Ivan knew his way there despite it being so long.

“You’re such a lightweight.”

Ivan teased, looking down at Till. His arm around his waist and his other holding Till’s arm over his shoulder, keeping his weight steady so he could walk. It would have made Till more annoyed that he had to rely on Ivan in the slightest had it not been for the fact he could barely see straight let alone walk straight.

Till grumbled, “I’m not. You can just handle too much..”

This caused Ivan to laugh, shaking his head. 

“No one’s judging you for being a lightweight.”

“Shut up, I’ll punch you.”

“Oh? And how are you going to do that when you fall over just walking normally?”

His voice had always been so annoying. So teasing and condescending, always wanting to pick fights or push Till to breaking point for fun. Because of course he would. Ivan was better than Till in every way. An A grade student, popular, good looks, a rich family. It’d been that way since they were younger. Till acted up, Ivan would come to the rescue like some hero complex wannabe. 

It pissed him off.

Of course Ivan was going to make it even worse, that’s always been the kind of guy he was. Putting on a plastered smile and making kind gestures, then becoming a bully the moment you turn your back.

But right now, Till didn’t have enough fight in him to care.

The rest of the conversations they had felt one sided, Ivan talking and Till either barking back or ignoring. Till couldn’t remember what exactly they had been talking about, all he remembered was Ivan finally returning Till to his driveway.

His mom would be asleep at this time of night, staying quiet while drunk would be hard. His hands fumbled into his pocket to get his key to unlock the door, yet he couldn’t get it into the keyhole, making Ivan scoff a laugh and take the key instead to put it in. 

“I’ll take you to your room.”

“Like fuck.”

Till growled, but Ivan didn’t seem to care about how he felt on the matter. His arm back around Till’s waist despite the struggle. 

As much as Till hated to admit it, it was helpful. Without someone holding his weight, he’d be bumping into things or making too much noise, it’d wake his mom. 

Guided to sit on his bed, Ivan brought his hand up and ruffled Till’s hair with a laugh. That same infuriating laugh. 

The rest of the night was a blur. Till was certain he’d passed out the moment he hit his bed. Whether Ivan said anything else was beyond him. Not like he wanted to think when his head felt like a drum, had he drank too much or had someone curb stomped him? Till could only thank every god there was that it was a Sunday.

No dealing with Ivan, no having to socialise. Till bit back his thoughts when he felt a burning in his throat that was getting far too strong for his liking, rushing to the bathroom so hard he nearly fell and hit his head for real. Emptying out the remains of the night before, leaving him coughing and heaving. 

The moment he got back into his room, Till laid down and covered his face. His hair was a mess, his clothes stunk of the frat house, his memories were back and forth and the lights were too bright.

Till made a promise then and there he was never going to a frat party again.

Chapter Text

Since leaving Till back at home, the entire walk back to campus was insanity driving for Ivan. The thought of Till’s arm around him, hearing his voice, just having him close into his side. 

Despite the several years of not being in the same place, he still knew his way to Till’s house by heart. Still knew the way to his bedroom and which door had been his. That one wasn’t hard to wager, since he still had the same warning tape and stuck on signs that he’d had since they were kids. Even though he had been in university now, he really hadn’t changed much. Still a rebellious youth with the mouth of a sailor.

Till had been plaguing Ivan’s thoughts since he saw him again. Truthfully, Till had been plaguing his mind his entire life. Even after Ivan had moved, even with the changes and years of being apart, how could he ever forget him? How could he ever forget those eyes or that voice?

Laying in bed and staring at his ceiling had done nothing to try and clear his mind. No amount of homework, nor trying to read something, anything, to try and get him out of his head. 

Ivan sat up and tugged his varsity jacket off, one arm out, and in the process of pulling out his other was when he got close enough to realise. His nose coming close to the jacket side that Till had been close to, the smell of cigarette smoke and that cheap cologne he wore. Even though he thought he could get rid of the smell of his cigarette’s, it clung to his clothes, no matter how much he tried to spray it off.

There was a long pause where Ivan hadn’t even realised he had taken the jacket off, holding it close to his face to take in the smell of him. The smell of Till. One of the rawest forms of him that Ivan could never get enough of. He knew it drove Till up the wall when he got so close that he could take it all in, but he could never help himself.

Blood rushed to his face at the thought of it, being so close to Till that he could feel his breath, see that shake in his eyes when he couldn’t decide where to look, when his face became so red it went to the tips of his ears. 

It drove Ivan crazy.

Till drove Ivan crazy.

So much so that the smell and thoughts alone were enough to create straining against his jeans. His body hunching forward slightly to close his eyes and think about it more, think about what it would be like if Till let him get even closer. Where it wasn’t blood and bruises, but bites and scratches. Getting to feel beneath those baggy clothes he always wore, a touch of skin that he would never show to another. Ivan wanted it all, wanted it so bad.

His hand came down without thought, unbuttoning then a zip, opening the way to his boxers to feel some kind of relief against the straining. Till would hate him, Till already did hate him, but would he be disgusted if he knew that Ivan wanted him so badly just from his smell alone?

Ivan tugged down the waistband of his boxers, now letting himself out of the restrictions. His free hand dragging upwards to his tip, precum beading already. It was desperate, pathetic even, but Ivan couldn’t be bothered to care right now. Not when his hand began moving absentmindedly, thoughts clouded with Till under him. What it be like in him, feeling his mouth or his hand, anything, as long as it was-

“.. Till..”

His name came out in a breath like a prayer. His hand picking up pace and breath becoming jagged, his face still pressed to the jacket and taking in whatever he could before it had to be cleaned.

“Till.. Till..”

Ivan pleaded to himself, brows furrowed. Every move of his hand was agonising, like it wasn’t enough, but it was all he had. His body rest back onto the bed as he worked himself faster, cock aching and twitching. The precum collected on his hand making every movement more slick, faster, hips bucking into his hand desperately. Images in his head of Till’s tongue pressed against him, that ball piercing on his tongue always making it so hard to focus. 

Till had no idea. No idea what he did to Ivan.

A few more pumps of his hand had caused that tightening in his stomach to finally break. Working himself through as he finished onto his hand, spilling out like his heavy breaths. 

Ivan laid with his hand covered in his own spend and gaze fixed on the ceiling, the sleeve of his own jacket under his chin. He had wanted to move, wanted to get up and go clean himself off, but the post euphoria of his orgasm and his tiredness was making it hard to even stand. A quick shower in the morning was enough, it wasn’t like he had a roommate so sleeping like this wouldn’t be that bad.

The morning came faster than Ivan could register, not sure exactly when he fell asleep. Whether it had been right after he gave up trying to stand, or if he had been staring at the ceiling for longer. His alarm clock hadn’t gone off yet, but he wasn’t tired anymore, not when he remembered that Till would be in today. So a quick shower it was and sticking his varsity jacket into the laundry to be cleaned later, as much as that agonised him, but going to classes in a jacket that had his own cum, sweat and the smell of another guy was not exactly the approach he was going for.

There was commotion the moment he left his dorm. Word spreading that he had decked someone at the party, but Ivan neither confirmed nor denied. It wasn’t like anyone was around to see it, and the image they had of Ivan was something not malicious or violent, so it was his word against theirs. It would all end up forgotten about within a week.

Ivan’s thoughts had been quickly interrupted when he spotted dark and grey in the hallways again. Back facing him. Perfect.

Sneaking up on him was easy, it always had been. 

“How was your hangover?”

Ivan questioned, adoring the cuss and sudden jump of Till’s body, already expecting when he suddenly turned and punched him in the arm.

“Stop sneaking up on me like that! I’ll kill you for real!”

But the insults only made Ivan laugh, not caring at all for the punch. Today he didn’t have his jacket on, just his gym shirt. Still red and white with the Anakt symbols but now with the addition of his name and number imprinted on the front, but sleeveless so the punch hit skin.

Till scoffed, “I’m deleting your number, by the way. Why the fuck did you put it in my phone?”

“Why not? I saw my chance and went with it?”

“What chance? How the hell did you even get into it? I definitely wouldn’t have given you it.”

“It was easy to guess.”

The smile from Ivan as he said that was enough to set Till off again, earning another hit to his arm. Yet, Ivan remained unphased and accepted the punches without a care. It was always so easy to set him off, always so fun.

“You’re really cute when you’re drunk, you know that?” Ivan mused, “You kept sulking that you wanted to walk without help, but when I let you walk yourself, you nearly walked face first into a pole.”

Till grumbled at that and rolled his eyes.

“You should have just left me to struggle my way home.”

“And miss the chance to see you so funny? You must be joking.”

Red boiled into Till’s cheeks, possibly from being angry he was being mocked, or maybe a fluster from embarrassment. Whatever it was, it made Ivan grin and earn a shove back hard in his chest before storming off. Why did Ivan keep making Till angry enough to leave? Was something beyond even him.

Being in the same university as him had both its ups and downs. One hand was he got to see Till everyday, got to tease him and see his reactions. The other hand was that he had a group of his own, people who expected of him, so he couldn’t be with him all of the time.

Something that he realised when seeing Till in the cafeteria, sat down drawing in his sketchbook. Even the way he sat was ridiculous. His legs propped up onto the chair with him, chin rest onto his knees while he sketched. It was an automatic response, the way Ivan had walked over in his direction felt like a normal calling. 

Unfortunately, he was stopped before he could get to Till’s side or the opposite of him to sit. An arm thrown around his shoulder by one of the players on the team with him. 

“Ivan! Come sit with us, we’re talking about practice next week! Apparently coach has got it out for us, did you hear-?”

The worst of the sentence went in one ear and out the other, nothing that Ivan was bothered about. Even still, he smiled and nodded, forcing a laugh while being guided to the table to sit with the other red and whites.

The moment he sat down was meaningless rants about the schedule and how rough practice was, with back and forth banter that Ivan would join in every so often just to earn a few laughs around the table. It was impossible to care when Till being sat over at the other table was plaguing his mind.

“Earth to Ivan, you read?”

One of them had waved in front of his face, snapping Ivan out of his daydreaming.

“Dude you’ve been way out of it recently, what’s the deal? Either you’re in your own world or you’re hanging out with that emo guy.”

Another chimed in, “Come to think of it, you hang around that guy like a bee to honey. Who is he? Why do you keep hanging around?”

Even though Ivan knew the words were meant to be malicious, he smiled and shrugged. 

“Why not? He has fun reactions, he’s just a guy after all. No need to read so deep into it.”

Ivan lied through his teeth. Till was not just a guy, he’d never be that. 

The group seemed to accept that as an answer after some back and forth teasing about the way Till dressed or his makeup, but nothing Ivan found particularly interesting. The topic ended up changing, Ivan didn’t mind.

When he raised his head to look over in Till’s direction, wanting to see him again, his shoulders tensed at the few barely seconds that they locked eyes. Till had been looking at him, but shot his head to the side the moment Ivan looked over. It made Ivan’s heart stutter, memories of the night before flooding his head.

Holding Till against his side while he walked him, the warmth against his shirt and the sound of his heavy breaths from how much he struggled to walk. Platforms and alcohol were not a good combination.

“You’re seriously annoying.”

Till grumbled under his breath, but clearly did it loud enough on purpose for Ivan to hear. It was a struggle to make out what he said through the slurring, still, Ivan registered it enough. A smile creeping onto his lips.

“Maybe so, but this annoying guy is being kind enough to take you home. It wasn’t like Hyuna could in the state she was.”

Even though he knew arguing with a drunk man would get him no where but circles, Ivan could never stop himself from trying to one up or bicker with him. It had made Till make another annoyed noise. 

The struggle of watching him put his key into the door was enough to make even Ivan dizzy. It wouldn’t hurt to just take him inside, even if Till barked back in annoyance. After all, he couldn’t walk straight, getting upstairs would be mission impossible and Ivan didn’t want to have to come to university the next day and hear that Till fractured his leg after falling down a flight of stairs in his own house. Not to mention his poor mother would be worried.

So Ivan guided him inside, trying to be as quiet as he could when he knew that Io would have been asleep at this time. The poor woman deserved some peaceful sleep. Despite how long it’d been since Ivan last saw her, he knew Till wouldn’t be living with her still for nothing. Still the kindhearted, doting mother she always was. 

Till sat on his bed with a huff, as if he had been doing any work the entire time rather than being guided around. He wasn’t even carrying his own weight. 

Ivan laughed nonetheless, ruffling his hair then going to his bathroom to get him a glass of water for beside his bed. His phone had been placed on the bed, Ivan stared. There was no way he was going to miss that opportunity. Regardless of the fact Till tried to take his phone back, Ivan was able to hold him back with one hand. Knowing Till, his password would still have been his mother’s birthday. Ever the mamma’s boy.

Scrolling through the apps until he could find the contacts, Ivan put in his own with his number, as well as messaged with a sparkle emoji just to make sure. At this point, Till had stopped fighting, giving up.

“Why do you always pick on me?”

Till scoffed, causing Ivan to blink and look at him. Pick on him, is that what he thought it was? Well, come to think of it, it did make sense. His teasing would be seen as bullying. Till’s voice was slurred, his cheeks dusted pink and looking at Ivan with such an unreadable expression that it made him feel sick. 

“Why not?”

Was all Ivan had to say to his question, putting his phone back on the bed after closing on the app so Till would see the moment he woke.

“You’ve done it since we were kids.. What’s your fucking deal? Why do you always try to piss me off?”

Ivan had to listen hard to understand what Till was trying to say through his slurs and hiccups. It was honestly quite pathetic, and cute. A sorry state for someone who was always so on guard, he probably wouldn’t even remember any of this the next morning.

He wouldn’t remember.

A real smile spread onto Ivan’s lips, torso leaning forward to bring his hand against Till’s cheek. Till tried to push it away, but Ivan didn’t seem to budge.

“It’s the best way to have your attention on me.”

With that and one final look at Till’s cute, flustered face, Ivan figured it was best to leave, lest he got ahead of himself and said too much. Some things were better left unsaid.

Seeing Till look at him like that caused Ivan’s breath to hitch, a small curl in his lips. 

He was finally starting to look at him.

Good.

Chapter Text

Day in and day out had been the same for Till since the party. Ivan messaging him and being left on read, but still kept up blowing up his inbox with memes he found or videos or trying to tease. Even still, Till couldn’t bring himself to block his number. Maybe it had been because it would be an inconvenience to him or maybe because it would be for nothing anyway when Ivan bugged him outside of chats anyway. 

In the hallways making him jump, standing behind his locker door, even throwing himself at him any chance he could. There was no end to it, wherever he went, Ivan was somehow close by. Till was really starting to question if he had his own stalker at this point.

He needed somebody to talk about it as soon as possible, and fortunately for him it was close to the time he would meet up with Hyuna and Dewey, as well as most likely Isaac and Luka joining, as they always did. Really, Till had no idea why they were there, neither were a part of the band. Isaac he didn’t mind, he was like an older brother in a way, Luka on the other hand? Menace. He was a menace.

Till pushed his hand through his hair while opening the door, expecting to be alone or Hyuna be there waiting. Instead, he was met with golden eyes staring at him. All Till could do was stare, the silence deafening. He and Luka hadn’t been alone together once.

Awkward.

It wasn’t like he would bite, so Till just let out a huff and went to his usual sitting spot. Luka’s eyes remained on him the entire time, flicking up and down him in a way that made Till question what his intent was. His expressions were always so hard to read- or more like, he didn’t express. But finally, he broke the silence.

“How’s your situationship going?”

Okay, maybe Till preferred silence.

Till’s gaze raised to Luka, glaring at him with his brows knit together.

“I don’t have a situationship.”

“I find that hard to believe.”

Luka bit back with his usual monotone voice. In the middle of trying to argue back, the door swung open to Hyuna and Isaac. Hyuna laughing and panting as if she’d been running, while Isaac seemed unphased, hands in his pockets.

“Sorry I took so long! Dewey left his jacket at his dorm, had to drop it off since he’s about to start practise.”

Till shrugged, “No problem. Didn’t even think he had practise today.”

As Hyuna was sitting down, Luka’s gaze had gone from Till to Hyuna. Well it had been on Hyuna the moment she opened the door. Hyuna was his top priority over everything, honestly Till had no idea how Hyuna hadn’t noticed the guy was beyond infatuated with her.

“So, what’s the scoop today, huh?”

Isaac questioned, sitting himself in his usual spot. It looked so odd seeing him not sat beside Dewey there, but maybe without Dewey there would be a breath of fresh air over having to hear his dumb ideas.

“Same as usual. Ivan won’t leave me alone, I really have tried everything. Ignoring him, ghosting him, not giving him reactions but he seriously won’t budge. He even put himself in my contacts and hasn’t stopped messaging me since the party.”

As Till was explaining, his phone buzzed. He didn’t even need to question who it was, but to prove a point had raised it anyway, pointing to Ivan’s spam of messages.

“See? He messages me at night, during classes, in the mornings when I wake up. It’s freaky.”

Hyuna snorted, arching a brow, “The block button is free, you know? It’ll get him to stop messaging you. Why haven’t you yet? The party was like 3 days ago yet you still haven’t unblocked him?”

“I’m aware. I just can’t be bothered to, not when I know he’s going to pester me about it in person. Plus he knows my number now, he’s just going to use a different number and message from there. It’s like I’m being stalked.”

Rolling his eyes, Till let out a scoff, thudding his head back against the wall. Isaac and Hyuna seemed to look at each other with something in their eyes that Till couldn’t read, before both looked at him.

Isaac began, “If this is bothering you so much, Till, shouldn’t you report him? Stalking is an actual crime, at what point does this stop being some fun game to him?”

“Isaac has a point, he’s all you complain about! Being around you in the hallways and seeing you in classes, and now he’s blowing up your phone so much you worry he’ll change just to message more? Isn’t that worthy of reporting?” Hyuna continued.

What the two of them said did make sense, but didn’t feel right. Was Ivan really stalking or was it just him being in the right place at the wrong times? Would he really change his number if Till blocked him, or was he being paranoid? Why didn’t he block him in the first place?

The thoughts made Till scrunch his nose in disgust, avoiding looking at the two of them or he felt like he might melt under their concern.

“I don’t think he’s, like, actually stalking me. Not the crime of stalking. He doesn’t follow me home or anything, or seeks me out in the hallways, he just happens to be around and when he does, he decides to annoy the fuck out of me. When he messages, it really isn’t much besides dumb images he found or saying how his day was like I’m some kind of diary-”

“You have his notifications on.”

Suddenly, Luka piped up, causing Hyuna to look at the blonde cuddling her arm. Even Till seemed confused at him speaking.

“What?”

“You have his notifications on. When he messaged you, your phone buzzed. Blocking him would get you questioned in person, but you can easily put him on mute so you don’t get his messages. When he messaged, you even checked it.

Hyuna stared, before firing her gaze to Till, “Actually, yeah! He has a point! Why haven’t you just muted him dude? You don’t need to actually read his messages, but you’re talking like you’ve read every message he’s sent?”

Oh dear.

The blood in Till’s face had rushed up to his face, burning him alive and making his face flush so hard he could have sworn he was about to set on fire. His phone dropped to the floor as he quickly tried to cover his face and look away. 

“I just didn’t think about it! I forgot you could even mute messages from people until now!”

“Are you sure you just didn’t like the attention?” Isaac mused, making Till growl.

“Absolutely not! I really just didn’t think about it!”

For whatever reason, Hyuna seemed to be in her own little world. The usual look she got when she was thinking, a look that Luka stared at in a way that anyone would have thought she was his God.

“What if he likes you?”

“HUH?!”

Till didn’t mean for his response to come out so loud, making him even redder as he backed down.

“I mean, think about it. It’s not some kind of myth that guys bully the people they have a crush on. Maybe he’s just teasing you and picking on you because he has a crush?”

Isaac rolled his eyes, “That’s stupid, Hyuna. Ivan is 19, not 9. He’s an adult, he’s not going to start bullying people because he has a crush.”

With a fast nod, Till crossed his arms on his knees, legs propped up and sitting like a ball. 

“Plus, Ivan is straight, that’s clear as day. The guys a golden boy with straight A’s and on the football team. He’s always chatting up those cheerleaders and his little fan club, and not sure if you noticed but I’m neither a cheerleader or a girl. Anyway, I don’t wanna be talking about it for ages. Hyuna you messaged us earlier you had something important?”

Till wanted to change the subject as fast as possible, so much conversation on Ivan alone was irritating. He already saw him enough in the hallways, he didn’t want to be dealing with his name lingering even in his private time.

The topic change was clearly the right idea, since Hyuna went from looking concentrated to excited within a few seconds. How was it possible to forget what you were supposed to be talking about when it was you who planned the meeting?

“Right! Forgot about that.. Anyway, I managed to book us a venue to perform Drunk and Party at!”

Like a shot, Till’s eyes sparkled, sitting up so fast he nearly got headrush.

“Seriously?!”

“Yeah! I already told Dewey about it since I knew he had practise so I just had to tell you! It’s nothing major, just this underground club not far off from campus. They said they’re looking for loud music from indie bands and I showed them some of our stuff, it’s no pay but they accepted! It’ll be our first time performing at a venue!”

Till was suddenly so excited he felt sick, running a hand through his hair. Back when he was in highschool, because he was under 18 and the band was still new and developing music, they couldn’t perform at many venues. They always used to practise in Dewey’s dads garage, their only audience was Isaac and sometimes Dewey’s dad. To perform on a stage, in front of an audience? Admittedly, it was nerve wracking. The excitement melting into anxiety at being perceived by so many people. It was still something he was going to do, but knowing it’d be in front of so many eyes? That was scary.

“When is it?” Till questioned.

“In a week, so next Saturday. We already know Drunk and Party off by heart but it’ll give us plenty time to practise!”

Exclaimed Hyuna with a wide grin. Till could tell from the way she spoke alone that she had been excited. Hyuna had always gone on and on about how one day the band would take off, that they just needed to give it time and they’d have their own record label and be going on tours. Always so full of optimism even when Till was at his lowest, worrying about grades and school, she made sure he remembered that they’d make it.

The moment Till left the practise room was when the dread kicked in. It had admittedly been a while since he’d played his guitar, since he was so focused with his art course and university and well- Ivan. It wasn’t like he’d forgotten how to play, he just worried about messing up in front of so many people. 

On the way to classes though, Till was stopped by the sound of yelling. Outside the football team was shrouded in whites and reds. Right, Dewey was practising. Taking his phone out of his pocket, Till checked the time. He still had plenty of time before class, so instead opted for walking outside to walk up the steps of the bleachers, wanting to see Dewey practise.

Some of the jocks he recognised, some he didn’t. Dewey, of course, memorable even through his helmet since his bleached blonde hair poked out through it. Some even sat in the reserves Till had recognised, like the one with blonde hair that reached his shoulders, the same guy who made fun of him on his first day. And of course, running the fastest with the tallest figure, would definitely have been Ivan. He was their star player, after all, the perfect golden player that the cheerleaders fawned over.

Football had never interested Till, watching a bunch of guys run into each other and chase each other round a field wasn’t exactly what he would call entertainment. Even still, he wanted to support his friend, watching Dewey play and giving him a thumbs up whenever he seemed to notice him. 

A whistle blew after a score was made, then all of the guys returned to their couch. Standing around taking their helmets off to down some water, Ivan included. His helmet held under his arm with his face red and hair a mess, sweat dripping from his face. Every breath made his chest rise and fall, he worked hard when he was on the field, there was no doubt about that. His shirt clung impossibly close to his body, abs stuck to the fabric and his assigned number and name being stretched. Seriously, could they not have gotten a shirt for him that fit? You could practically see.. Everything..

“Till!”

A pair of hands clapped in front of his face, snapping Till out of a daze he hadn’t even known he was in. Just how long had Dewey been standing there? When did he come over?

“Dude, are you good? You look like you’re 5 seconds away from passing out. Your face is so red, you sick or something?”

Dewey laughed, but Till had been fast to deny.

“I’m fine. Not good with the cold, I don’t even know how you practise in this weather. Good game though, not like I know what’s going on, but I can tell you did good and you’re in a good mood.”

“Thanks! I didn’t even think anybody would drop by to watch!”

Sitting beside him, Dewey hit Till’s back with a beaming grin. He was also red in the fast and sweating, it was kind of gross, but Till would keep that to himself. 

“Break doesn’t last long, the coach is just going over some strats with some of the guys. You were watching pretty close! I didn’t even know you were interested in football!”

Till shrugged, “I’m not, really. Just wanted to see you play.”

As Dewey rambled, Till’s mind began to wander once again. His gaze going over the field, taking another look at Ivan to see if he looked any better yet. When he did, his own eyes locked on red. He was looking at him again..

Ivan’s lips curled into a smile in the distance, fang poking through and eyes half lidded and creased in his grin. Warmth flooded to Till’s cheeks so fast he had to stand to ground himself, instantly catching Dewey off guard. 

“I should probably head off. Class starts in a few, good luck on practise, I’ll catch you later.”

Dewey beamed, “See ya later!”

Till needed to get out as fast as possible. Ivan’s gaze burned into the back of his skull as he practically speedwalked his way down the bleacher stairs and back inside. His face was too hot, why was it Ivan that caused that? This wasn’t good. Every time he found himself staring at Ivan, his gaze returned. It was beyond Till as to why he couldn’t stop looking at Ivan after his practise, so much so that it made all of his blood rush to his cheeks. He kept looking at him at the worst times. But even worse..

Why was Till looking at him in the first place?

Chapter Text

Nearly everyday now Ivan had caught Till looking at him. Either in the hallways, or when he was at practice, or even sometimes just sitting in the cafeteria or walking to class.

It was becoming overwhelming for Ivan, but all in the best way. Seeing Till’s eyes on him from across the field was enough to make him make mistakes. The coach was starting to get annoyed with it, but Ivan never minded. He had to keep it up and try to play better, so that Till had something worth it to watch.

But now, Ivan sat on a bench on the second floor of the university. Sat at the perfect height to be able to see out of the window, gaze locked on the grey haired that seated in the grass outside, sketching in his sketchbook again with a guitar case strapped to his back. Ivan could only fawn, Till always looked adorable when he was focused on his art.

Ivan himself was focused, so focused he didn’t hear the sound of footsteps heading in his direction. 

“Watching him again?”

Despite the voice being so sudden, Ivan didn’t flinch, not when he knew the sound of his sister's voice well. She had even decided to sit beside him on the bench, checking her phone like she didn’t come to see him.

Ivan smiled, “My dear sister decided to bless me with her presence today?”

Though Sua only rolled her eyes at his teasing, stuffing her phone back into the bag that hung beside her.

“It seems like that’s all you ever do recently. Sit and watch Till? Reminds me of what you were like back in preschool.”

Sua stated, deadpan while checking her nails carelessly. 

“I also do practise, go to my classes, and hang out with friends. I don’t always sit and watch him, I just happen to catch him at the best times.”

With a shrug, Ivan went back to looking out of the window, admiring his infatuation once again. He hadn’t noticed Ivan in the window, so he couldn’t get all flustered and leave, or would he flip him off from outside? Till was somehow both predictable and unpredictable at the same time.

Sua watched as he did nothing but stare, letting out a sigh.

“You know he isn’t interested in you, Ivan. He leaves you on read all the time and ghosts you in the hallways, he pushes you around all of the time and cusses you out. Till doesn’t want to acknowledge you, when will you accept that?”

“That isn’t true, he’s starting to look at me,” Ivan debated.

“Is that seriously the lowest you’ll set the bar?”

In a way, she had a point, but that wasn’t what it was like. Till was just like that, he’d always been like that, from kids to now. Well, he wasn’t as bad when they were kids. When Ivan came back, he seemed worse.

“I’m saying this because I worry, as much as I hate to admit that,” Huffed Sua. 

“But if you won’t listen to me then at least try and notice yourself. Till’s always been complicated with you, but now he just doesn’t like you. I’ve seen the way he pushes you and hits you, that isn’t just playful teasing, Ivan. You’ve put yourself at the lowest of the low just to feel like anything he does will make it worthwhile but it isn’t. It’s time to move on, before you get hurt.”

With that, Sua stood, putting her hand on Ivan’s head in a nonchalant manner before ruffling his hair, and then she left.

As much as Ivan hated to acknowledge it, Sua and him had always been similar in that regard. They grew up acting in the same way, reserved and unexpressive, but Ivan wasn’t allowed to stay that way while Sua did. And what she and him lacked in expression, they made up for in understanding others.

Sua knew Ivan better than he knew himself, so she could see the way he chased after somebody who didn’t seem to care. But that wasn’t the case, right? Till did care, he just had his own way of showing it. 

.. What way exactly was he showing it?

Left to his own thoughts, Ivan scrunched his nose and sighed, standing. He stuffed his hands into his pockets and looked out of the window at Till just one more time to see if he was still there, before walking off to his own dorm.

The way Ivan acted with Till was pathetic, something his parents would have shamed him for if they knew. Getting off to the smell of him on his own clothes, starting fights just to see the blood rush to his face, any kind of look at him made his heart yearn, even if that look was a glare. 

Ivan was addicted, in every sense of the word.

It wasn’t healthy, and he knew that, but it had been this way since they were children.

Throwing off his jacket and tossing it onto his chair with a huff, Ivan sat. Even though there was time until his classes that he would have spent just watching Till, instead he opted for scrolling his phone. Maybe Sua’s words were hitting him a bit harder than he thought they would. They came from no place of malice, Ivan knew that, but it was that reason that made it hurt harder.

In his contacts, the top had been Till. There had to have been at least 50 messages from him, despite it being only 3 days since he gained him as a contact. Every message, every image, every link, everything left on read. There had been no attempt at typing even once, yet he always seemed to read the message right after it was sent, as if all Till had been trying to do was get rid of the notification. Like the message was a burden.

Ivan didn’t have long to try and read through everything he’d sent when he nearly shot out of his chair feeling his phone buzz. ‘Mother’ in text coming up at the top with an answer and decline call button. Of course, with a sigh, Ivan picked up, answering with a forced smile despite the fact it couldn’t be seen. Like it was expected.

“Eomeoni, it’s nice to see you call. Do you need me?”

“Ivan! Oh my sweet boy, I’ve missed your voice.. I just wanted to do a check in on you. It’s been a while since you’ve called us!” His mother fawned through the phone.

“Sorry, eomeoni, classes and practice have been hectic. I’ve been busy with everything recently. Are you and abeoji doing well?”

As much as Ivan loved his parents, calling them was always stressful. It felt more like a routine interrogation rather than a call from a loved one. 

‘Have you been doing good in classes?’

‘Do you have a girlfriend yet?’

‘Did you find a job?’

‘When are you coming to visit?’

The same questions like a job interview, it was tiring, but Ivan put up with it because he loved them.

“Your abeoji is doing well, my sweet. Me and him just had our date night yesterday, but enough about us. How are your classes going?”

There was the first one.

Ivan laughed, “Same as usual, eomeoni. A lot of homework but otherwise I’ve been fairing well in them. I’ve been keeping my grades up despite having to practice at the same time.”

There was the sound of a tutting noise on the other end of the line, a sound of disappointment and concern.

“Aiya, don’t stress yourself out too much, my dear! Classes are important and I’m happy you’re working hard, but make sure to not neglect anything. How will you find a job if you stress yourself out with that football practice?”

And there was another.

“I know, eomeoni. I make sure I still have spare time, but finding a job while still in university is hard-”

“Nonesense!” His mother cut him off. “Your father found a job when he was only 17, you know? He found a job despite being in education and became a successful business man to support his wife. You have neither of those yet, and you’re already 19.”

And there it was.

Despite the dread, Ivan forced a laugh and ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back. It was so draining speaking to them everytime about the same thing.

“Eomeoni, it’s like you said. I’m only 19, I’m still young. It was a different time for you and abeoji, it’s hard to be focused on my courses while trying to find a job and dedicating myself to a woman. I haven’t found the right one yet and I don’t have a lot of time to meet and get to know somebody with so much to do.”

The same answer he had to give every time, but his mother huffed on her end, clearly not happy with hearing the same answer again. Ivan expected it wasn’t long before she stopped accepting the answer.

Unfortunately, it seemed like that time was now.

“You know, I heard rumours that the girl you were friends with back in highschool- ah what was her name.. Jiu? That she’s transferring to your university. You know her well, you and her got along well back then, didn’t you?” His mother questioned, making Ivan gulp.

“She’s beautiful, smart, funny.. I’m not saying that you need to start dating somebody right away Ivan but you must think about it. It’s going to be harder to find somebody when you get older, you need to while you’re young and beautiful!”

Ivan tensed, looking away at his wall, “It’s been a while since I’ve heard her name. I can show her around when she arrives. Thank you for telling me, eomeoni.”

His mother laughed softly, letting out a pleased hum.

“Of course, my dear. Just please, think about it, won’t you? Your abeoji isn’t getting any younger and I want him to be around to see your wedding and his grandchildren! Now, I must go, your abeoji and I are going to be eating soon. Make sure to visit soon, my dear, mwah mwah!”

Ivan cringed but did the kisses noises back, before saying his goodbyes and ending the call. Finally, he could let out a breath, staring down at his phone. 

His mother was getting relentless. Every call she asked the same thing, and now she was trying to set him up. 

He remembered Jiu. A girl he knew back in highschool that had been one of the kindest he’d known, a close friend of his. As much as he hated the fact it was true, she was exactly as his mother described. Smart, pretty, funny, the kind of girl that any guy would fall for and fawn over. The perfect wife.

But Ivan didn’t like her that way.

Even still, it wasn’t about what he wanted. Not when he’d kept this up for so long, built up his reputation as his mother and father wanted. This wall that he’d created, trying to hold back so much that never would allow for any other to know, especially not his parents.

Sua didn’t have this kind of burden, instead she was forgotten by their parents. A pair of twins where the boy was favoured, it was too stereotypical and unfortunately true. She would have been able to deal with the onslaught of annoyance from their parents had they found out that she was in love with a woman. But Ivan? He couldn’t deal with that kind of disappointment, he couldn’t deal with what his friends would think or his family members, not even Till.

Till..

His contact had been left open. Ivan scanned through all of the messages and thought back to what Sua said. Everything left on seen with no response, the only responses from him being in person, and they were all yells and shoves. When he looked at him like that during practice or in the hall, what exactly was he thinking? Was it a look of disgust?

Ivan was chasing a lost cause. It was true, that Till hated him. So how could he throw away his reputation and everything he’d worked so hard to build, over a guy that didn’t even smile at him? Maybe if he tried with Jiu, everything he thought about himself could have been wrong. Maybe it wasn’t love that he felt for Till, something disgusting instead. Some kind of obsession just because he got off on a fight. 

It could be something he pushed aside, tried to be the son his parents wanted. A good job, good grades, a wife to support and one day even grandchildren. He wouldn’t end up disappointing the people he loved.

He stared down at his phone once more, before sighing. His finger tapping the 3 dots and tapping on ‘Delete contact’ and then ‘Delete messages’ with hesitation. But at least it was done now. Ivan could ignore him, he could get over it, he’d been away from him for so long before, it wasn’t like he needed him now. 

Pushing his hair back, Ivan stared at his wall, drowsiness kicking in from how much his mother had drained from him. How much the conversation with Sua had drained him. How much he had drained himself with this endless chase over a man that didn’t deserve how Ivan treated him. But he had to push on anyway, he had classes soon. 

All he had to do was suck it up, push through, and everything would be fine. 

He could be what was expected of him. 

He just had to try harder.

Chapter Text

At first, it wasn’t as noticeable that Ivan had been starting to block Till out.

Starting small by no longer messaging. It didn’t phase Till, honestly he didn’t even register that Ivan had stopped blowing up his phone for the day. He had just assumed Ivan was too busy, he did always stop messaging when he was doing homework or was with friends.

Day 2 was when it started to pick up. There were still no messages from Ivan, Till’s phone had been silent save for the few messaging from the band groupchat. The kicker was that Ivan hadn’t even been around in the halls, so Till had assumed he was ill. He remembered what times Ivan was usually around, but today he wasn’t. 

When Till finally saw him in the halls, looking over at him, Ivan did see him. Ivan looked at him, but only for a second before continuing to talk with his friends and leaving. Till was stunned. No running over to him and trying to touch him? No flirtatious remarks or rage baiting? Till didn’t want those things to happen, but he was more confused on why they weren’t happening.

And by day 3, Till was becoming angry with it. Still no messages, and still ignoring him in the hallways. Even when he passed by, he didn’t even spare Till a glance. 

It was driving him insane! Why was it that a guy he didn’t like, who he didn’t want any kind of attention from, was pissing him off because he wasn’t paying attention to him?!

Ivan’s sudden withdrawal had made Till begin this spiral he never wanted to be a part of. This had to be some kind of mind game. Pay attention to Till day in and day out, bombard him with messages and ambush him in the halls to get him to expect it all. Then suddenly stop paying any mind to him to get into Till’s head and make him want it! Well Till wasn’t going to fall for that stupid trick!

Except he was. In a way, that is. 

Did he want the attention? No. 

But the lack of it was distracting him, distracting him hard.

After what felt like the 5th time of performing Drunk And Party, to make sure everything was ready for the performance at their first venue, Till had messed up again. Always on different parts, and always on simple mistakes that were easy.

The break was needed, Dewey taking his water bottle and squirting water into his mouth from above. Drumming took it out of him!

Hyuna, on the other hand, had been eyeing Till up and down as he re-tuned his guitar for the hundredth time.

“Something's bothering you.”

Hyuna broke the silence, causing Till to tense. He looked around to question before pointing to himself, earning a nod from Hyuna. 

“Nothing’s bothering me, where did you get that from?”

“Oh I don’t know,” Hyuna folded her arms. “Maybe the fact you’ve made really simple mistakes now on every single practice that we’ve had. Till, this song you could guitar for in your sleep, I’ve seen you perform it with your eyes closed! What’s your deal?”

Of course, she had been right. Till knew this song best, it was their most popular, they’d practiced it so many times now. Even still, Till’s mind wandering had been getting the best of him.

He only scoffed and went back to tuning his guitar, strumming it once to test.

“It’s been an off day, that’s it.”

Hyuna shook her head, “That’s a lie and you know it. You’ve been acting weird since yesterday.”

“Will you just get off my case?!” Till snapped.

Even Dewey seemed on edge about this, glancing at Isaac to try and diffuse the situation, but Hyuna wasn’t having any of it, huffing and throwing an arm around Till’s shoulder.

“Till, I’ve known you since you were 16. I’m also a twin to a stubborn brother, do you think I can’t tell when someone's acting differently to normal? Come on, you trust everyone in this room except for Luka, you can tell us what’s going on!”

This situation with Ivan had been eating Till alive. He knew that fully, and he knew he had to tell one of them about it or he’d keep messing up or blowing a fuse at the others again. So with a sigh, he pushed Hyuna’s arm off.

“It’s Ivan again.”

“What did he do now?” 

“It’s about what he didn’t do. For some reason, out of nowhere, he’s started ignoring me. Stopped messaging me, stopped talking to me, he won’t even look at me. It came out of nowhere and it’s been pissing me off.”

Till’s admittance of course led the room to fall silent. After everything he’d complained about, how could they not be confused?

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” Isaac questioned. “You’ve been complaining about Ivan since you met him in the bathroom. He’s been pissing you off and stalking you, shouldn’t you be happy he’s finally off your case?”

It was true. Till should have been thankful. Finally free of him being pissed off for fun and being picked on to get punches thrown, so why wasn’t he? It was almost like this entire time it had been something else. Now there was unfinished business that Till couldn’t approach because Ivan wouldn’t even look his way.

Till scoffed, “I know I wanted him to stop, but for him to do it so suddenly doesn’t make sense! It feels like him leaving back in school again.”

“I told you he liked the attention.” Luka chimed, earning a glare.

“Shut your mouth, Luka.”

“Alright alright.”

Hyuna stepped in front of Luka before he could get a guitar swung at him if he said the wrong thing to piss off Till again.

“I think you should take a step outside to breathe, Till. I’m not saying you’re being rash, your feelings are justified, but your anger is making you snap. At Luka is one thing, but you did it to me too. You’ll keep making mistakes if you don’t step back, so we can wait then retry when you’re back.”

“But-!”

“No buts. Go, shoo shoo.”

Hyuna wouldn’t take no for an answer, ushering Till. So without a choice, he accepted, putting his guitar down and leaving the music room.

Everything had been digging at him recently. The stress of performing at a venue, in front of people, Ivan ignoring him, all while balancing classes. It was enough to make him want to cry, but he held it all back so he wouldn’t. Instead, his hands dug into his hoodie pocket and took out a box of cigarettes, putting one between his teeth and making his way across the hall to go outside. Hands patting down his jeans to try and find his lighter.

In the middle of searching, he was distracted by red and white, a jock nearby. Not just any jock, a jock with dark hair and a too tall figure. The bastard had been standing outside like he hadn’t been this much of an asshole recently! Till had the mind to give him something to sulk about!

But he didn’t get the chance to. 

The closer he got, he realised there had been somebody else beside him. A girl, just a bit shorter than Till. Brunette, wavy hair in a neat low ponytail and soft, tanned skin. She really was gorgeous, and that was only from the back. When she turned to face Ivan, Till could see every detail on her. From her choco coloured eyes to her full, glossy lips. She had a smile that could kill, a smile that was aimed up at Ivan.

Till had never seen her before, not in the halls or the cafeteria, she had to be new. Yet, Ivan was laughing with her like he’d known her his whole life. Ivan always knew how to plaster a smile around people, Till could always tell it was fake. But with her? It was so real, so genuine. And then she leant up, bringing her thumb to move some of Ivan’s hair away from his face, stood on her tiptoes and too close for Till’s stomach to handle. 

Was this why he had been ignoring him?

Too distracted in his thoughts, Till wasn’t fast enough to realise Ivan was beginning to look in his direction. Fortunately, his feet moved fast enough, his body hiding behind the wall and staring ahead of him.

Maybe that was enough air for today.

Instead, he decided that he didn’t want to look at the scene anymore. It had begun to make him feel sick in a way he couldn’t describe, that just pissed him off even more. So rather, he opened the music door and threw his unlit cigarette aside, earning the attention of the others.

“Dewey, did Ivan get a girlfriend?”

Till suddenly questioned. Dewey stared at him in confusion, but the glare from Till had made him rush his answer. 

“Uh, no, not that I’m aware of. I know that recently he’s been showing that new girl around, apparently someone he knew back in high school but I don’t know anything about them. Why, did you see them together? Think they’re dating?”

So she was new, no wonder Till didn’t recognise her. But even more so, she was somebody that Ivan had known in the years he was parted from Till without a word. She had the look of a smart girl, either that or she was a cheerleader. With a smile like hers, she had to be popular. The only friends that Ivan had were all popular, Till wasn’t.

Till didn’t have soft tanned skin, he was pale and barely touched by sunlight. His hair wasn’t long and wavy, it was messy and never styled or brushed. His eyes weren’t dark and doe like, they were sharp and full of annoyance. Even though he looked so much like his mother, even Io had looked softer than him, he must have inherited his fathers anger, the reason his mother left him.

“Till?”

Hyuna tilt her torso to the side, trying to catch Till’s attention. It had worked, as much as he despised that. Too lost in his thoughts, but regardless, he tried to press on and walked over to his guitar instead, putting the strap over his body. 

“You really don’t look okay Till, we can just call quits on practice for today. We have time until the performance-”

“No.”

Till clutched his guitar, strumming in a way that had been much too rough. Any harder and the strings would have snapped, something Till didn’t have the time nor patience to change. At the moment, he didn’t have the patience to do anything, but he was still going to in hopes it would make him forget.

With a worried look behind her eyes, Hyuna tilt her head aside.

“Till, seriously. If you need a break we can-”

“I said, I’m fine!” Barked Till, glaring at her. His nails digging into his guitar with the pick in his hands pressing the edges into his palms hard from his tight grip.The room fell silent, pitying him. Pitying whatever fucked up emotions he was feeling for a situation he had no rights to play the victim in.

This entire time, he’d pushed Ivan away. He was the one that ignored him and shoved him, treating Ivan like dirt to make up for the years of feeling abandoned by him, when he could have been given the chance to explain. It was Till’s fault, it had always been Till’s fault.

Ivan tried to make a chance, and Till pushed him away. But what does it matter now? He didn’t feel bad, he didn’t care, of course he didn’t. Till hated Ivan, hated the fact he made him feel so alone for all of those years he’d been gone and when he came back, he didn’t even apologise. Just kept on pissing him off on purpose, gaining his trust only to leave again.

Till clawed harder at his guitar, glaring at the floor, and broke his silence.

“I should have expected he’d do this again, anyway.”

Chapter Text

It had been nice getting to talk again to somebody that Ivan had been close to back as a teen. 

He had many friends back then, but Jiu had always been the easiest to get along with. It seemed that outgoing girls with bright personalities and a sense of humour seemed to be his type of person to be best friends with. Jiu and Mizi had been similar, though Jiu had a dignified and graceful personality to go with her social self, while Mizi had been more of a bubbly party girl.

Not that Ivan minded, he adored them both equally.

“You’re not serious..”

Ivan laughed, sitting beside Jiu as she talked about everything that happened after Ivan had left.

“I’m being serious! She got expelled the exact same day because they found out that she had spray painted multiple of the lockers with one of the teachers faces.”

Jiu beamed, laughing along with Ivan, though it was Ivan who found it funnier.

“I guess that’s to happen, you know, I knew she was trouble the moment I met her. Maybe if I had stayed around, I could have been there to say ‘Ha, told you’.”

Rolling his eyes, Ivan stuffed his hands in his pockets and rest his back against the bench they sat on. 

For the past 2 days had been Ivan showing Jiu around the university. Introducing her to people that he knew that she could seek help from had Ivan not been around, showing her where her classes would be and just catching up on everything. It had been taking up a lot of Ivan’s time, but truthfully, he didn’t mind. Jiu was everything she had been back in highschool, except now more mature and grown. Still the same personality she had before.

“You know..” Jiu began, laughing. “I had such a big crush on you back in highschool.”

Ivan tensed, forcing a smile as quick as he could. Truthfully, he knew. Of course he knew, several people back in high school had a crush on him, something that he tried to ignore. At the time he just dulled it down to teenage hormones and relationships being cool, it took him getting to 17 to realise that these crushes were because of his looks and the persona he wore.

“Really? I couldn’t tell.” Ivan snickered, scratching his cheek awkwardly.

Jiu only tilt her head with a grin, arching her brow.

“Seriously? So many people had a crush on you. I remember that one girlfriend you had for like a few weeks, why was it that you split up again?”

“Oh, her? I can’t remember her name, I think she ended up wanting to date somebody else in the class instead.”

Tapping his lip, Ivan tried to recall. It hadn’t been a long or serious relationship, the furthest they got was hand holding, before she found another guy more interesting who wanted to do more. Really, Ivan didn’t mind, if anything it was a relief.

Yet Jiu still shook her head.

“People like that are the worst. You deserve way better than that Ivan, and I mean that.

“Ah- It really isn’t that big of a deal. Relationships aren’t too important to me.”

“Everybody who can’t find the right person says that! You deserve someone nice who can show you just how great you are. You’ll find them soon!”

Jiu smiled wide, before putting both hands on the wood beneath her to stand, arms folded behind her back politely with her torso to the side. 

“I need to head to class now, anyway. Don’t miss me too much, alright? I’ll see you later!”

With that, she turned after Ivan had bid his farewells. Waving while watching her cheerfully walk.

What his mother had said about her was true, and everything he thought had been right. She really was the kind of girl that any man would fall in love with. It’s just that Ivan hadn’t, he never could. 

But it didn’t mean he wouldn’t try. Some kind of hope lingering in the back of his head that it had all just been a phase, that he could find the perfect girl and start a family, be what his parents wanted, what he wanted to be. 

Snapping Ivan out of his thoughts, a pair of arms were thrown around him by surprise. Ivan hadn’t heard her coming, but he could tell by the pink sleeves of her jacket and the strong smell of vanilla and bubblegum that it had been Mizi. 

He laughed and turned his head, gaze on her as she stood beside him, looking over at Jiu leaving.

“That Jiu girl is nice, isn’t she? I met her the other day outside of campus, she was actually looking for you but I was in a rush. How do you know her? You two are so close!”

Mizi grinned wide, tilting her head down at Ivan who still remained seated.

“She’s a friend from high school. Just transferred here recently, it’s been nice catching up with her.”

Mizi gasped and clasped her hands together, looking so excited that it made Ivan gulp. Whenever she had that look, that meant she was going to cause trouble.

“I should speak to her more then! She might have embarrassing stories from when you were a teen! I was away from you for a lot of years, Ivan, I missed all of the super awkward teen phase!”

Poking at his side, Mizi gave an evil grin, but it only made Ivan laugh and roll his eyes. 

“Please, I didn’t have an awkward teen phase. I just went from lanky preteen to tall teenager. What can I say? I just grew up better. I don’t want anybody hearing about what I was like in high school, I just know Till will find it hilarious.”

The name came out so casually, as if for a moment Ivan forgot completely that he was trying to block him out. He only snapped out of it and realised his mistake when Mizi suddenly questioned.

“Right, Till, you and him haven’t been talking recently, right? What happened? Just a few days ago, you were all over him like a puppy. Did you have an argument again?”

Ivan swallowed a thickness in his throat, looking away from her. There was no way to explain what it was he was doing or what was going through his head, so Ivan forced a smile and shook his head.

“I’m just busy with classes and practice, and now I have Jiu I’m showing around and catching up with. Busy schedule, and he’s been busy with music practice.”

For a moment, Mizi stared without a reaction. Her eyes darted around Ivan’s face, like she was trying to gauge some kind of reaction from him or even try and work out if he was lying. Unfortunately for her, Ivan had been a talented liar, he never showed it on his face, so she huffed and accepted.

“I have to get to practise Mizi,” Ivan stood. “I’ll catch you at the cafeteria later, alright?”

Ivan didn’t give her much time to say anything else but a goodbye, just pat her head then left with his hands in his pockets. He knew if he stuck around, the conversation would go back to Till again, something he was actively trying to avoid. 

The plan had never been to block out Till entirely, just that he was going to phase him out and try to get rid of those feelings he had for him. But somehow, along the way, it got skewed, now he couldn’t even look in Till’s direction. Every time he saw him in the halls or outside, Ivan looked away fast, as if looking at him for even a second would make him spiral. He knew Till was confused and angry about it, he saw that in his face for the split second he saw Till in the courtyard, when Ivan had been talking to Jiu.

Eventually it would be easier, for the both of them. Till just didn’t like being cut off, but it was only for now and then he’d move on. 

Except that was hard to do when everywhere Ivan went, Till was there. The university was a big one, and their classes weren’t even in a similar location. Yet somehow, he was unavoidable. The most Ivan could do was act like he wasn’t there, even if he had to endure those burning glares in the side of his skull, or when Till would shove his shoulder into him when walking by. It was full of hatred and loathing, Ivan had been used to Till’s anger but this was next level. His teammates and friends tried to get him to fight Till for it, but Ivan knew fully that he wouldn’t stand a chance if it came to a fight with Till.

So he took his frustrations out in practice. Was praised and rewarded for playing well, even if he’d accidentally hurt a few too many on the team from running into them and shoving them just a bit too hard. 

Everyone took it as stress. Ivan agreed with that.

This time at practice, Ivan was brought aside with his teammates to drink and take a breath. He scanned around the team, realising he had been missing one.

“Where’s Dewey?”

Ivan questioned, looking over at another.

“Oh, up there with that emo band mate again.”

Once the other pointed, Ivan followed the direction. It was no surprise he was up there with Till again, someone he had not wanted to be around on purpose, Dewey just had to betray him with association!

Dewey looked excited, sitting beside Till and throwing his arm around his shoulders. Till would angrily blush and try to shove him off, earning Dewey to stick out his tongue. But then Till reached over, poking Dewey’s chest, even tugging his shirt slightly.

Everything stopped. 

In that moment Ivan gripped his water bottle so hard it crushed, water dripping down his hand and onto the ground. His fists tight and brow twitching. He had no right to feel this angry, yet he couldn’t bite back that rage at seeing Till being so touchy with him. He knew they were friends, but this was too close for comfort.

Dewey ended up standing, walking down the steps. A friend had offered a towel for Ivan to dry his hand, he accepted with a forced smile, even though he was biting his lip a bit too hard. So distracted, he hadn’t noticed as Dewey approached, and not alone either.

“Yo! How many matches are we doing after this break? I got band practice after, don’t wanna be late or Hyuna’s gonna kick my ass.”

“Just 2 more, think you can handle that, big guy?” Another on the team joked, making Dewey snort.

“Easy! That’s if Ivan doesn’t down me as bad as he did in that other round.”

“I did say sorry.” Ivan forced a laugh, looking at Dewey finally. He tried to not flinch when he realised to the side of him was Till. Up close, unavoidable. He was glaring at him, but seemed to look at Dewey again instead.

“You two are really close, I never noticed before. Are you gay or something, Dewey?”

It came out more hostile than Ivan had intended, even catching Till off guard. The gnawing, bitter feeling in his chest. Aimed at specifically Dewey, without realising the thing he asked so annoyed would have come off on Till too.

Dewey awkwardly raised his hands, stunned at Ivan’s sudden break in character.

“Woah, no dude. I’m straight, nothing wrong with those guys but I don’t swing that way. Plus, Till isn’t my type.”

Till sneered, “Good, I don’t want to be your type.”

“My type is more like Jiu, which by the way you’ve been spending a lot of time with her Ivan, do you two have something going on?”

The sudden change in conversation made Ivan nearly jump, looking at Dewey with a slight stunned expression. He glanced aside, shaking his head. 

“Me and Jiu? Uh, that’s kind of hard to explain.”

Ivan laughed, looking back at the blonde, who arched a brow at this. His expression screamed mischief, bringing his hand up to pat his own chest.

“If you don’t snatch her up then I will! She’s a catch, Ivan!”

That made Ivan’s heart drop. 

Jiu wasn’t somebody that Ivan had any kind of attraction to, physically, romantically, really any of it. But she had been the one person that was perfect for him. Beautiful, smart, funny and interesting with good grades, a good family, she was the exact kind of woman that his mother and father would have loved. Plus, they even knew her well, and he knew her too, there was no awkward beginning stage of getting to know her. 

It was wrong, but she was the only choice. Ivan’s only choice. 

“No need, I’m planning on asking her out.”

There was a look of disappointment on Dewey’s face, the way his brows knit and his lip stuck out in a pout. He looked like a kicked puppy.

“Sorry man, I’ve known her a while. You haven’t even talked to her before.”

Ivan laughed, arching a brow.

Till had been quiet the whole time, it was hard to read his expression. For a moment, Ivan even thought he had just left, but his gaze settled on Till. Only for a quick moment, but Till was looking at him. They made eye contact.. Ivan panicked internally, quickly darting his gaze away back to Dewey.

In the corner of his eye, he could see Till glaring at him. A look so sharp it could have cut him, and then he scoffed.

“Dewey, I’m heading to practice. Don’t take too long or we’ll find another drummer.”

“Alright alright, so pushy.”

Dewey joked, patting Till’s shoulder, but his glare was on Ivan and he shoved the hand off, storming out of sight. The sudden hostility made Dewey flinch, looking at him, then looking at Ivan as he watched his brows furrow. Eyes on Till and his every step, looking bothered.

He was. How could he not be? Bothered by that ache in his stomach, the guilt of knowing he caused him to be so angry, knowing that he was closer to somebody else than he had been him. What right did he have to be jealous?

Dewey looked between the two, sweat beading as he laughed nervously and caught him with the rest of the group while Ivan was distracted. It was obvious he could tell there had been tension between the two, but thought it best to step away from it. It wasn’t his business, after all. 

Now Ivan was left with the realisation he said that he’d ask out Jiu, a close friend of his. 

This was hell.

Chapter Text

After the conversation with Dewey, dread kept building up everyday for Ivan. 

Admitting to confessing to a girl that he’d only been talking to for 3 days, or well 3 days in a few years. Not just a girl he’d known as a young teen but a girl he had no attraction to. Not yet, at least. The hope was for him to develop those feelings, but it had to start with making a move first.

Jiu was lovely. Compassionate and funny, it was hard to not have a conversation with her since she even somehow brought out the social side of introverts. Guys always asked for her number but it was always a polite decline, somehow not interested in any of them.

Maybe his assumptions could be wrong, but Ivan questioned if it was because she still had feelings for him. If she did, it would make the whole confession a lot easier.

No confession should have been this difficult, to the point Ivan was writing down what he had to say like he was taking notes. He didn’t want to lie, didn’t want to try and say that he had feelings for Jiu in that way, so all he could do was really plan out his words in a way that made him feel less guilty, less guilty that he was leading on a friend.

Then came the dreaded message of asking if Jiu could meet up with him, just the courtyard would be fine. The same place that he and Till had fought at before, near the band room. He hoped and prayed that Till wouldn’t end up showing up, but the courtyard was the most under visited place in the university, he knew that there he wouldn’t be bothered by any of his friends.

So he sat. Waiting for his friend to arrive while scrolling through his phone, trying to calm his nerves and to redo those lines he wrote down in his head over and over again. 

“Ivan!”

That cheerful voice snapped Ivan out of his planning, looking up and seeing Jiu walk over. She had been smiling so bright, as usual, the smile of a girl who didn’t know what any of this was about. She was just happy to be there.

Ivan plastered a smile back, putting his phone in his pocket and standing up to greet her. 

“You got here faster than I thought you would.”

He hummed, even though it had been a lie. Ivan had been so in his head that it felt like he had been waiting forever, the nerves making it hard to realise the seconds were going by too slowly.

“Sorry!” Jiu laughed, sitting down. “I wasn’t doing anything when you messaged so I just made a beeline. You needed me?”

She always looked so bright, it calmed Ivan’s nerves a tad. He sat himself back down beside her and brought his hand up behind his neck, rubbing there and looking away.

“Uh yeah, actually. I needed to talk to you, I’m glad I wasn’t disturbing anything.”

After that, there was a small duration of silence, only Jiu’s careful gaze on him. Giving a look of expectancy, waiting for him to say what he needed to say, that same smile on her lips. It was getting harder and harder to breathe like this, not when she was looking at him with such kindness, while Ivan was lying.

“I’ve been thinking for a while now and..” He swallowed. “I really like you.”

The words came out finally, for a moment Jiu had even looked stunned despite her smile. But when she realised what he was saying, it slowly lowered.

“Ivan?”

“I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and I’m reminded of when we went to high school. You’re really cool and I love spending time with you, and I-”

“Ivan, Ivan wait”

Jiu suddenly cut off Ivan’s confession, waving her hands and giving a laugh that Ivan could only guess was awkwardness.

“What are you doing?” She questioned, furrowing her brows. 

It startled Ivan, making him confused as to why she was asking something like that.

He arched his brow, “What do you mean?”

But she only shook her head.

“I haven’t had those kinds of feelings for you in a long time. I don’t feel like that anymore, you don’t even like girls.”

Just like that, it had felt like all of Ivan’s walls had cracked. His eyes slowly widening, looking at her in disbelief. He had to steel himself, quickly changing his expression to a confused smile, tilting his head.

“What are you talking about? Of course I like girls.”

“Ivan, I know you think you’re good at hiding it, and it may be fooling others but you can’t fool me that easily.” Jiu shook her head, her teasing voice changing into a look of concern.

“Why are you really doing this? I understand that you might not be ready to come out yet, but this is a new low for you. What if I really had liked you? I thought we were friends and you were ready to lead me on to feel better about yourself or even to look better in front of others? Do you see how shallow that is?”

Ivan knew, she had a point. He himself had been aware of how wrong it was, how wrong it felt to lie to himself that he had feelings for her, under the guise of trying to keep up his social standing and reputation. He became desperate, so desperate he was ready to hurt somebody he cared about.

The nerves were creeping back up again, settling in Ivan’s throat and making him feel sick. Disgusting in himself specifically. Jiu hadn’t deserved to be put in that situation, maybe this was a reality check. That his plan was stupid, that he was hurting himself and her in the process for his own selfish gain. 

Before he could spiral more, Ivan swallowed the thickness in his throat and sighed.

“You’re right.. I’m sorry. I’d try to steel myself harder and convince you otherwise but you seem to have me on lock and that’s more problems I don’t want to force.”

Ivan tried to joke, looking at Jiu, who had now replaced her worry with a fond smile, tilting her head. 

“There has to be a reason why you’re doing this, Ivan. I’m not saying you have to tell me, but maybe telling me will help? I might be able to offer something, even if it's just an ear to lend.”

Ever the kind one, again. Ivan envied Jiu’s ability to be so kind to everybody that she knew. She knew when to step her foot down, knew when to crack a joke, knew when to offer guidance. Always seeming to know what to do, while Ivan was running blind in the dark and smiling through it in hopes he knows where he’s heading in the long run.

“My parents.”

Jiu sucked in a breath through her teeth, holding behind her neck.

“Right.. I honestly forgot just how hard they are on you and Sua. My parents also brought you up, saying how you were the perfect choice for a boyfriend but they’re not on my case like you are. They support me regardless, I wish you got that kind of support.”

She sighed, shaking her head. 

Since the two had been close friends, Jiu knew all about just how bad Ivan’s parents had been. It was always her that offered him some snacks after a nasty lecture or whenever his parents were being too on him about his choices, she would make some kind of excuse that they needed to study. Ivan had always been thankful for it.

Jiu perked up, hitting her hand with a fist.

“Here, what about this? Since I’m not dating anybody and neither are you, we can just fake date.”

“What?” Ivan’s eyes widened.

“Think about it, it’s going to keep your parents off of your case, won’t it? It isn’t like they need to see us act like a couple, just say that we started dating. Public appearance is helpful too, it keeps annoying guys off of me and keeps the cheerleaders off of you. Plus, keeps your closet shut tight too if they know you have a girlfriend.”

Ivan listened to what she had to say, her idea honestly making a lot of sense. Of course, the ones who did know the truth would be Mizi and Sua, both because they knew about his situation but also because he felt bad lying to them enough when it came to Till.

So he nodded, agreeing to her idea.

“Alright, that sounds like it’ll work. Honestly, I wish I had thought about that first, but also I didn’t want you to know I was.. That.”

“You can say gay, Ivan.”

It seemed that had hit him a little harder than she had intended, since Ivan seemed to tense and look away. He, himself, was still coming to terms with it. Hearing it out loud, hearing somebody say he was gay, it was endearing, and scary.

Jiu seemed to notice the rise in his shoulders and way his hands clenched, giving a nod of acknowledgment that she won’t say that specifically.

“If it makes you feel any better, I like both.”

Ivan blinked, snapping his head to look at her in shock. It wasn’t like he didn’t know gay people, Mizi and Sua were, hell, Till was bisexual himself, so really it shouldn’t have made any difference. But his own friend group was his own friend group, it was everybody else that was the problem.

“You do? I had no idea.”

“How did you think I could tell you were?”

Teased Jiu, laughing slightly. Not laughing at him, but making light of the situation to make him feel better, or maybe to make it easier on him than thinking it was obvious to others.

Now that the confession was over and done with, and rejected, Ivan felt much lighter than he had that morning. A weight lifted off of his shoulders, easing him even more now that a plan was set in motion to make it easier on him with his parents. He just had to tell Mizi and Sua, so pulled up his phone to check the groupchat. 

Finally, Ivan could breathe. 

The weight in his hands felt easier now, also, not having to worry about telling the others. That was until he flinched at the clear of a throat behind him. 

Not often did Sua make him jump, not when Ivan knew the sound of footsteps alone, but today had been a long day and it was safe to say Ivan hadn’t been paying attention to his surroundings.

“You found me fast.”

Ivan looked at his sister, giving a smug little smile and tilting his head. All she did was shake her head in response.

“Have you really thought this through, Ivan?”

“Ah, so that’s why you blessed me with your presence.”

“I’m being serious.”

Since childhood, Sua had a monotone voice that made it hard for her to say things how she really meant. Unless she was angry, when she was angry, she made it extremely noticeable.

“You don’t know the first thing about dating as a whole, how are you going to act like one realistically? And what about mother? You can’t fake date forever, when you break up, she’s going to be devastated."

Ivan had known that was the case, but still, he shook his head. 

“I know we can’t fake date forever, but for the time being it’ll be easier.”

“What about in public? You’ll have to make it seem real, what if people ask questions?”

“Then I tell them that I keep my private life private.”

“And what about Till?”

That question is what made Ivan silent. 

He hadn’t stopped to think about the fact he was fake dating now, so if he had really needed to cut Till off. Ultimately, the better option was to stay cut off, for Till’s own sake. Ivan’s feelings were something raw and disgusting, something he wanted to step away from and something he didn’t want to burden Till with. Not when Till still hated him, for whatever reason it was. No doubt he’d hear the news soon, Mizi was making it her goal to spread gossip like she always did about the start of their relationship.

So Ivan shook his head and smiled.

“Till is fine, anyway I have to be off Sua. I have classes to get to.”

Sua watched his eyes, trying to find any hint of lie behind them, just like Mizi would have done. When she found nothing, she sighed and shook her head. 

“I’ll see you at the cafeteria later.”

Then she took her leave, barely giving Ivan a chance to say goodbye. Ever the kind and doting sister she was, but Ivan liked her as she was.

Classes, right. Ivan had brought his fingers up from the back of his head to his hair, letting out a deep sigh. Now Till was on his mind again, great. Nice job Sua for reminding him.

Not like Ivan had much chance to sulk about that fact, not when Till was nearby again. Ivan had been ready to leave for class, when he looked up in the empty hallway to see none other than the grey haired he’d just been talking about. It looked like he’d wanted to speak, they were still a good distance away from each other. Yet even from a distance, Till’s expression looked unreadable.

His guitar case strapped to his back again and stood beside the door to the band room, so he came here to go to practise. Yet there he stood, doing nothing but staring Ivan right in the eyes like it was some kind of competition. 

Then something flickered. His gaze, it was no longer on his eyes. Even for just a brief moment, Ivan caught it all. They went down, just for a small moment, before raising up to his eyes again. The lids of his eyes coming down just slightly, before he turned his eyes to the side and put his hand on the door handle, exiting into the band room.

Ivan was left speechless, staring at where Till just a moment ago had stood. Surely he wasn’t seeing things, Till was looking at him, for far longer than he usually would, and with a look that wasn’t hatred. Did Ivan know what that look was? No, but he was left curious and confused and letting out a deep breath he hadn’t realised Till had taken from him with that staring contest.

His cheeks warmed, blood rushing up. Ivan had to quickly pat his cheeks to get rid of the heat in them. Why had Till been looking at him? Even more so, why had he been looking at him, like that?

Shaking his head fast, Ivan quickly remembered why he was standing in the hallway, because he needed to head to class. For a moment he had forgotten how to walk, Till’s sharp gaze and those eyes burning into him made him forget every basic function he had. This wasn’t good.. He was looking at him again. 

Which meant he was going to be plaguing his mind again.

Chapter Text

News got around fast that Ivan and Jiu had started dating. Too fast for Till to be able to handle, not when he was still trying to get over whatever it was that Ivan had done to him.

Just as Till had been starting to warm up more to the same asshole that abandoned him, all of the sudden he was cut out of his life. No warning, no goodbye, again. It reminded him of Ivan leaving when they were young, that same pain he had to carry around while pretending it was nothing, that same pain he had to swallow down and cope with because of his studies, that same damn pain that had him abandoning his friends.

Now once again, right as Ivan was trying to worm his way back into his life, he left again! And because he got a girlfriend?!

Till was not going to sit around and let that happen. Not only was it embarrassing to even admit he lost to some girl he didn’t even know, but also this was his way of getting back at Ivan for ignoring him. Fighting back to get his attention and then leaving! Make him confused, make him struggle and then leave!

Get into his stupid head, if he even had the brain cells to question.

And so Till’s plan had been set into motion. 

The first day was easy, just staring always seemed to catch Ivan’s attention, for whatever reason. He always seemed to flinch and look away whenever he caught Till looking at him, which made it harder to keep a grasp on his attention, so Till had to make it linger or at least make his gaze hang around Ivan and then wait for him to look before he locked eyes with him.

Till never kept his gaze on him for too long. A few seconds of looking in his eyes and then looking away. It was always when Ivan was looking at him first, or at least trying to not look at him and then doing it anyway.

It seemed to get into Ivan’s head, since he always looked a little stupid whenever it happened. The dumbfounded look of a deer in headlights- honestly a little funny. Till would have drawn it had he not wanted Ivan’s ridiculously attractive face in his sketchbook. The cheerleaders would definitely see it and tear apart his work trying to take that art piece like sticking a steak into a cage of hungry lions. Till was not risking his work, or his limbs, for that.

The second day, it was getting a little hard to keep his attention. Ivan seemed to be getting into a habit of knowing that Till was looking, so started to just not look at him at all despite Till burning his gaze into the side of his skull. When he was in practice, in the hallways, or even on the way to class. No matter how hard he looked at him, Ivan wouldn’t look his way, to the point it had Till wanting to rip out his hair from how stubborn he was being.

How was a man supposed to get revenge when the victim was an ignorant moron who didn’t even notice?!

A notch had to be taken up, get him to look at him one way or another. The only way Till knew how to do that was being mischievous. Even bringing a laser pen, using it just to the side of Ivan from the bleachers as if he were a cat, and low and behold, it worked. It got Ivan to look his way, confused where the light had been coming from, but when he looked over, Till was just drawing and happened to look up at him. 

Till could Tell Ivan’s fascination and confusion was starting to become irritation. Maybe because of the fact Till was being too endearing, or maybe it was because he was getting in the way or distracting him. It was still break between practice so what was he doing wrong? Was it a crime to just enjoy using a laser pen?

Probably yes, but that was besides the point.

By day three, maybe Till was taking it a bit far. Those same gazes that he had at Ivan when he was practicing, before being cut off, were starting to make themself known again. 

He had been looking at Ivan too much, and it was starting to alter the chemistry in his brain. It was starting to feel less like revenge and more like Till getting some kind of kick out of finally pissing off the guy that had been bugging him for years. A very attractive jock guy, that had been pissing him off for years.

It wasn’t just Ivan anymore. It was a tall, buff guy with scarily well kept hair, eyelashes that were far too beautiful for a man, bulging muscles and eyes that Till had found himself wanting on him more than he cared to admit. At what point does it go from revenge to one sided foreplay? There was no way Till was  getting fidgety from seeing Ivan’s thick brows contort inwards and that little fang of his pressing into his lip because he was getting annoyed. 

Okay, Till was definitely getting ahead of himself.

This time really was just to watch Dewey play, for real. There was some big game getting closer, the poor guy had been challenging himself hard by practicing both football and for the band at the same time, Till wanted to be there to cheer him on. 

Practice had ended so all of them had gone to the changing rooms. It wouldn’t hurt to go there to meet up with Dewey, after all he had time before classes. Not like he was getting much done in classes recently with the spiral he was going through. So Till took himself there, he was a guy, after all, it wasn’t like the changing rooms were strictly for those who were doing sports.

Absent mindedly, Till tapped his pencil against his lip as he walked. Maybe it would be good inspiration for a sculpture? The Greek God statues were just a bunch of built shirtless guys after all, and they were in museums all the time. Or maybe Till was just a little too curious for his own good. Yeah, it’s probably that, he thought to himself while pushing open the door to peak, before stepping in. 

Most of the guys were still in the showers, save for a few who hadn’t even noticed Till’s presence. One that did, however, was still a shirtless dark haired jock with undone jeans in a way that was making Till’s head spin. 

They locked eyes, except Till’s eyes weren’t staying up for long, drifting down his body to that defined chest and his toned abs. Ivan had always been quite top heavy but this was something else. Till had always thought that the shoulders in those shirts were padded, apparently not. But what was catching his eyes the most was the line of dark hair guiding down to boxers that were packing something Till could only assume was a nuclear weapon.

“Till?”

Ivan finally said his name after what felt like an eternity of silence. Till’s eyes snapped up, the pencil against his lip going between his teeth and a grin spreading, before he turned and left. 

He could hear his name being called, but there was no turning back now or else Till was going to end up on the news for blowing up half of the school with self implosion. That thing was not human.. Till made a beeline for the courtyard, somehow knowing Ivan would follow him.

No surprise, the moment he finally caught his breath, there was an annoyed yell.

“What’s your deal?!”

Ivan was panting too, he must have ran after him. Till would have been flattered had he not been enraged the moment he heard his voice again after so long of being cut off.

“What? I haven’t done anything wrong.” Till folded his arms, turning to face Ivan. Now he could see just how annoyed he actually was.

Ivan sneered, “Don’t give me that, Till. You’ve been watching me none stop for the past few days and now this? Just a bit ago you hated my guts and now you keep staring at me, it’s pissing me off.”

Oh now he really was enraged. Till gripped his arm, eye twitching as he tilt his head.

“What pissed me off is being cut off with no warning.”

“Oh so you get mad at me when I cut you off but whenever I’m nearby you, you get pissed off at that too? You’re so hot and cold Till, make up your mind!”

“What right do you have to tell me to make up my mind when you never even gave me the chance to?!”

Till barked, grabbing Ivan’s collar. Ivan shoved him back, making Till’s blood boil and threw a punch at him. This time around, Ivan didn’t let it hit, grabbing Till’s wrist, so Till kneed him in the stomach, giving him a chance to take back his fist and sock him in the jaw. There was a sound in Ivan’s throat that Till couldn’t tell was a growl or a grumble of pain, but he didn’t get much time to register or think about it when Ivan shoved him back onto the wall and threw a punch at him.

Everything was too fast, it wasn’t meant to go like this. It was just meant to be something to confuse Ivan, something, anything to get back at him for suddenly cutting him out of his life again. Yet somehow, Till found his fists in Ivan’s collar, yanking him down to his height and slotting their lips together. 

He had been expecting some kind of startle, just any kind of shock, but instead, Ivan went right for it as if he’d been holding back this entire time. Strong hands gripping at Till’s waist, the taste of copper on his tongue from the cut he’d made punching him. It was desperate and hungry, neither of them coming up for air until they were nearly suffocating, forgetting how to even breathe through their noses. 

The only thing that separated them was the fact Till had to come up for air, saliva connecting their tongues and hot breaths against each other's lips. Ivan’s eyes were no longer full of rage, they were hungry. And who was Till to deny him that meal?

“.. Your room?”

Till asked in a breath.

Ivan said nothing, just grabbed Till’s wrist and practically bolted out of the courtyard to the hallways where his room was. The moment the door closed, Till didn’t even get a chance to look around the place before he was shoved against the door, desperate lips against his own with both hands that were on his waist before now sliding up his shirt and roaming. It was a little concerning how much this was undoing Till, he had to step up his game or else he really might lose it.

The tongue swiping against his bottom lip was enough to make Till break, allowing access before Ivan’s had pressed inside of his mouth. Dragging over his tongue piercing and his teeth, something messy and hot and filthy and oh did it make his stomach do the thing. At this rate his legs would give out, they were already getting shaky. 

Then Ivan’s tongue parted from his own, teeth grazing over Till’s lip and down to his jawline, peppering kisses that soon turned to bites into the skin down to his neck. The hands beneath his shirt now roaming from his hips to his spine, fingers dragging over every bump of it in a way that made Till’s back arch.

It was only now that Till’s hazy mind was starting to mesh together what was happening. This entire time he’d been so desperate because of Ivan’s stupidly hot body and charm in his anger that he’d forgotten one key factor.

“- Ivan.. Hah, wait.. Your girlfriend..”

Till tried to remind between breaths, becoming drastically harder to think when Ivan was biting the skin of his neck like that. Yet Ivan didn’t hear it, so Till had to pull his shirt, finally snapping Ivan out of his own haze.

“Huh.. What?”

Ivan so eloquently questioned with the look of a caveman. Charming.

“Your girlfriend?”

Once again, Till reminded, finally catching his breath. 

Ivan buffered, staring at Till like a Windows bluescreen, until finally he realised what he meant. Had he seriously forgotten about his girlfriend after just a few days? Maybe Till didn’t want to do anything anymore- until Ivan spoke.

“Me and Jiu aren’t actually dating.”

“.. What”

There was no questioning in Till’s voice, more like disbelief and a hint of demand to repeat himself.

“We aren’t dating, it’s a fake dating thing.”

Oh, that made it better. 

Till had half a mind to throttle him right now, choke him out for the fact this entire time he was so angry because he had a girlfriend, and made him even angrier at the fact he didn’t know what that meant for him. All something he would have done had the desperate look in Ivan’s eyes not melted him down to his core.

“Oh.. Alright.”

Was all Till got out, before pulling Ivan back in again by his collar to hungrily force their lips together again. The sound of breaths between their noses and Ivan’s hands roaming skin under fabric. Ivan took a step back while dragging Till with him by his waist, their lips not parting for even a second as Till was guided with no grace over to Ivan’s bed, the bed he didn’t even know was there. Seriously, he didn’t even get to look at the room once. 

Till was becoming light headed, dizzy from the lack of breathing in the kiss and the desperation to be touched, straining against his boxers which was not doing him any favours granted he had some pretty tight jeans on. 

“Ivan..”

Till exhaled his name, raising his chin once Ivan decided to go for the throat again. His hands no longer up his back and pulled out to tug at Till’s shirt, a silent plea before Till raised his back up a little to allow him. The shirt came off easy, separating Ivan from his neck, much to Till’s dismay. Not that he had time to think much on it when Ivan’s kisses from his throat went down to his chest.

Then there was absence. Till nearly whined at the loss of contact, about to question, until he saw Ivan sat up looking stunned.

He quirked a brow, “.. Ivan?”

Ivan remained staring, his face flushed and looking like he was about to drool with his mouth agape that way.

“They’re pierced..?”

The sudden question caused Till to tilt his head, before a thumb dragged over the bar in his nipple, making him shudder.

“Oh, yeah.. I had them pierced last year.. Mn!”

Till barely had the chance to explain himself, not when Ivan lowered down and licked across the bar. It sent a jolt up Till’s spine, his back arching into the feeling of Ivan’s hot breath. Ivan was relentless, flicking his tongue across the bud, taking it between his teeth while being careful to avoid his poked out tooth, tugging at the bar slightly and making Till’s eyes sting.

Finally, Till could see when Ivan withdrew from his poor, abused nipples. Never in his life had he been so thankful to see when Ivan's arms folded down, taking the corners of the bottom of his shirt and pulling it over his head.

Till had never considered himself a very sexually driven person, but at that moment, he was holding back pouncing.

Ivan’s jeans looked as tight as his own, with a bulge that nearly scared Till. He would have been much more scared, but it was hard to be scared when he was so desperate to see it, to feel it. Unfortunately, Ivan seemed to notice the staring, making Ivan grin. 

“Pervert.”

The remark caused Till’s gaze to snap up, glaring at Ivan and scoffing.

“You are not allowed to say that when you were getting off on being punched.”

“Can you blame me? I’d let you choke me to death.”

“Can you not divulge into your weird necrophilia thing when I’m trying to stay hard?”

Ivan laughed at this, unbuttoning his jeans and bringing himself back down to kiss Till’s stomach, undoing his belt, and then his other belt. Emos had too many belts.

When their jeans were finally off, the impatience was kicking in. Ivan had returned to Till’s neck, holding his waist and his thigh pressed against Till’s bulge. It was embarrassingly desperate how Till bucked his hips up against his bare thigh, desperate to chase any kind of friction as Ivan marked his skin like some kind of signature on a painting. Claiming something that wasn’t his.

“Ivan.. Ivan..”

Till pleaded his name as Ivan’s hand trailed down to the front of his boxers, pressing against the patch of wet and the hard bulge. The feeling caused Till to roll his hips up in need, Ivan’s hand pressing down more to allow the friction, watching with something unreadable in his eyes, but the way his breath got caught in his throat made it easy to tell he was just as desperate.

“Can I..?”

Ivan questioned in a breath, looking up at Till, who pathetically was already messing up his eyeliner from the want. Nodding gave Ivan all of the permission he needed, tugging down Till’s boxers, his cock hit by the cold and making him shudder. The tip leaking and pink, now against the flat of Till’s stomach. That look in Ivan’s eyes became something deeper, something consuming, he was looking at Till like he wanted to consume him. Honestly, it was a little scary, but it made him shudder. 

Till glanced down, “Yours.”

His finger hooked at Ivan’s waistband, tugging slightly. Ivan had been so lost staring that he forgot just how needy he was as well, his cock twitching in his boxers as he admired every curve of Till’s body. Even still, he nodded at Till’s request and tugged down his boxers.

Then the stun kicked in. Till could tell from the rather large dent in the fabric that Ivan had been big, but this was something else entirely, that thing should have gotten him arrested. 

Curiously, Till tugged Ivan forward, wrapping his fingers around his cock. The sound of Ivan’s breath hitching was delicious, it made Till dizzy, but what made him even more lightheaded was holding his cock against his own and seeing the difference in their size. Till’s hand moved up, reaching his tip, but there was still space left between his tip and Ivan’s. 

“Till, if you keep doing that..”

Ivan’s pleading voice suddenly snapped Till out of his thoughts. His body hunching forward slightly, taking in the sight of Till’s curiosity and fascination in their difference. Bringing his hand up himself, Ivan wrapped his hand around their cocks instead, moving it slowly. Till took the chance to grip his sheets, feeling how hot Ivan’s cock was against his own, skin dragging across skin with the slick of their own precum, Till wasn’t sure he would last for long at this rate. 

Their lips collided once more, Till’s body pressed back into the bed while Ivan moved his wrist in such an expert way that Till should have been concerned. Just how much did a guy jack off to get that good? Till’s breath was hot against Ivan’s lips whenever Ivan withdrew, before his tongue was dragged across Till’s bottom lip, taking it between his teeth. His sharp tooth digging into the skin slightly.

“Fuck..”

Ivan cussed, sounding entirely out of character from him. If the situation was different, Till would have made a snarky remark about it, but it was hard to think let alone speak, not when that curse coming out of Ivan’s lips sounded far too good. 

The speed of Ivan’s hand picked up, his teeth dragging across the skin of Till’s neck.

“Ivan hah fuck..”

Till’s back arched, watching Ivan’s face as best as he could with the position they had been in. The red on his face all the way to his ears, the slight sweat he built up, the fact the red in his eyes had expanded. To know it was him that caused Ivan to look like that, it made Till let out a noise that made him thankful Ivan had no roommate.

Ivan lowered his tongue to Till’s pierced nipple once again, taking it between his lips and sucking. Gripping at his hair for it, Till let out a strangled moan, his torso arching into the feeling of Ivan’s lips and sharp tooth around it. The feeling was dizzying, his sensitive chest being attacked at the same time as his cock, the vibration of Ivan’s grunts and his hot breath mingling in with his warm tongue.

Furrowing his brows, Ivan withdrew from his chest, “Till.. Close-”

“Me too, ah-”

Their breaths were hot and heavy, Ivan letting loose as he thrust his hips forward slightly, causing Till to jolt and let out a moan he had to cover his mouth for. Ivan, on the other hand, had looked at Till with wide eyes and a hunger deep down in them, taking Till’s hand from his mouth and pinning it to the bed. He kept on thrusting his cock against Till’s, hand still around the both of them and moving at the same time. The heat in Till’s stomach felt like a fire by now.

“Ivan! Ivan-!”

White clouded Till’s vision as he reached his limit, Ivan’s hand picking up more speed to work Till through as he spurted streaks of white against his stomach. Loud moans and gripping at the sheets, being worked through his orgasm. 

It fortunately didn’t take long for Ivan to follow along, Till was becoming oversensitive as Ivan jacked off his softened cock, but finally he let out a grunt, hunching forward and finishing on Till’s stomach also. Poor Till was left both limbless and a mess, not nearly bothered enough to clean up after this. Ivan had finished so much more than Till had, frankly it was concerning but that wasn’t for Till to voice, nor did he want to since he was still trying to catch his breath.

Ivan’s body flopped to the side of Till, turning onto his back and trying to catch his breath. The both of them out of breath, messy, red, yet it was Till who took the worst of it. Covered in bites and hickies as well as both his own cum and Ivan’s. Luckily, he didn’t get the chance to complain when Ivan regained strength enough to get up, putting his own boxers on as if to hide his shame.

What shame was there? Even soft he was hung, it wasn’t fair.

He left to go to his own bathroom, returning with a cloth that he carefully cleaned Till’s stomach with. It was annoying how the gesture made Till’s cheeks warm even more, looking away. 

“You look like shit.” Ivan teased.

Till sneered, “And who’s fault is that?”

Ivan laughed at this, something low and breathy that tugged at Till’s heart strings. That was going to be ignored completely and never brought up, otherwise Till may have had a crisis then and there right after getting jerked off with the dick of the guy he hated, and came from it. Even worse, he didn’t even feel disgusted in himself for it. Maybe it was post nut euphoria or maybe Till had lost his mind, but Ivan looked so good while a mess like this, he couldn’t help his mind wandering to what it would be like seeing him after something more..

Oh, he was done for.

Chapter Text

It was hard to tell if Ivan was dreaming or if what happened actually just happened. Surely any minute now he’d wake up from another filthy wet dream and go about his day acting like he wasn’t disgusting for imagining his incredibly hot childhood crush with his dick up against his. Seeing him beneath him like that, breathing like that, it all felt too real.

That was all sold to him right away as real the moment he had been sat on his bed, watching as said childhood crush was standing with his shirt off against his open window, smoking. Gorgeous, slim body on show right in front of him, with slender fingers covered in rings that held a lit cigarette between them, blowing out smoke from slightly swollen lips. 

Ivan may have gotten a little carried away, and even after they had finished up with everything, they continued making out for at least 10 minutes. Honestly, he’d lost track of time. How could he possibly keep track of time when Till had this innate ability to render his brain completely useless? Just mush! Brain mush!

“Ivan! Did you hear me?”

Brain was so mush that he didn’t even realise Till had been talking to him. His poor, horny brain was too focused on every movement of his lanky wrist and dear God his slender waist and-

“Earth to Ivan, do you read me?”

“Huh, sorry, what did you say?”

Ivan finally came down to earth, wiping his mouth as he was fully convinced he had been drooling over Till’s perfect body. 

“Freak.. I asked you a question. You and Jiu, why are you even fake dating?”

Talks about his friend and current fake girlfriend, instant erection killer. 

Ivan shrugged, “It was a mutual agreement. I wanted my parents off of my case and she wants guys to stop bothering her. No one's going to mess with the football team captain if they know he’s the boyfriend and my parents will be thrilled she came from a good family.”

Blowing a cloud of smoke out of the window, Till arched a brow at him, shaking his head disapprovingly.

“There are so many better ways to go about that than fake dating.”

“Oh? Like what? Enlighten me.”

“Like telling your parents to fuck off and she learns how to kick dudes in the nuts.”

Oh how ignorant Till was. Always had been, since they were children. 

“Not that easy. Anyway, since we’re on questions, you can answer mine. Why have you been looking at me so much recently?”

Till put out his cigarette and flicked it outside, closing the window after. He gave a shrug as he searched for his shirt on the floor and pulled it on over his head, checking the bites in the mirror with a scoff. 

“Easiest way to piss you off,” He arched his brow. “And are you some kind of rabid dog? The mess you made of my neck is going to be a nightmare to cover.”

Ivan smiled, “Sorry.” He apologised, with absolutely no shame.

So Till wanted to piss him off, most likely to get back at him for the fact he cut him out of his life like that with no warning. Ivan would have been pissed too, but he was still too curious as to why he suddenly decided to make out with him. Were there feelings involved? Not a chance. Till hated his guts, more than likely he just thought Ivan was hot and got caught in the moment. Not like Ivan was complaining, he would always let Till use him. 

“You’ve been practicing a lot recently,” Ivan watched Till as he put his belts back on. “Do you have something coming up?”

Till nodded, “We’re performing at our first venue. It’s a big step forward for the band. Venues have chances of recordings being posted or even popular figures being there. If our music gets out we could be found by a record label. Plus, more fans means more attraction to the band.”

Whenever Till started talking about his band, it always made Ivan’s chest ache. He spoke with such passion and such optimism, something he wouldn’t usually do. Till spoke like he hated himself, in all probability he most likely did, but Ivan thought he was perfect. Head to toe, through his anger and his sadness and his ability to piss him off, he adored him.

“I’ll be sure to come, I wouldn’t miss something so big for the world. I’m sure you’re gonna kill on stage, don’t get too ahead of yourself when you’re all famous. I’d hate to see such a down to earth guy drowned in cash and hot women like a rockstar.”

With a fake sigh, Ivan teased, being his dramatic self. Till just stuck his tongue out and flipped him off in return.

“I gotta head to class, what happened stays strictly between us, got it? Tell anybody and I’ll cut off your nuts.”

“Hot.”

“Fucking weirdo. I’ll see you around.”

Till did a salute with two fingers before leaving. Leaving Ivan in his empty dorm room, having to mentally go over in his head what just happened. Not only did he get to kiss Till, but he got to see him with no clothes on. He got to hold him and hear him make those noises, got to hold his waist and hear him say his name in a way not even choirs of angels could ever top.

Maybe Ivan really had died, was this the end? Did Till actually kill him in that fight? If this was death then honestly he was glad.

All of his feelings, the way his heart raced and his head spun, every sickening twist in his stomach was all coming back. His feelings for Till were all coming back, everything he’d felt since childhood. This wasn’t good. 

Some things weren’t meant to stay the same.

From childhood, Ivan had always been somewhat different. A recluse, didn’t like other children to the point he started fights from it. He and his sister had been the only ones who really moderately got along, despite the fact they still had many arguments, Sua and Ivan seemed to understand each other on a deeper level.

Because of this, Ivan never had friends. 

In his old school, the other children thought he was a freak, never wanted to play games with him or talk to him at lunch. He had always been left to eat lunch with his sister at a table alone. Somehow, he had gotten along with adults better than he ever had children, possibly due to the lifestyle his parents had brought him in. Adults were frequent in his life, his father’s business partners, his mother’s stylists, they always seemed to know people and Ivan and Sua were raised to be proper towards them.

“We’re moving!”

Ivan and Sua had been taken aside by his mother and father, his mother trying to be excited about the news while the twins remained ever straight faced.

“Why?”

Ivan tilt his head, watching as his father got down on one knee. 

“Because I got myself work in a big company. We’ll have an even better budget there and meet a lot of people we can do good work with.”

Unsha was a big business man. The kind you’d see in movies with a big scarf and hat, a massive man with facial hair and a dolled up wife he took care of. Sua and Ivan had been adopted by them at such a young age, it had been hard to remember who their birth parents were. All they had ever known were those two.

His mother perked up, clasping her hands together, “So you two will be going to a new school! You’ll be able to make some friends there, isn’t that exciting?”

Despite the fact his mother had tried to seem pleased and cheerful, truthfully Ivan didn’t care. He didn’t know anybody there, and he didn’t know anybody here. 

Now he stood at this new school with his sister, this time with Sua eager to actually make a friend. She fortunately had, only within the first day she had met a girl with long pink hair and round glasses, asking if she wanted to play tag with her.

Sua accepted and they ran off to play, while Ivan was left stood alone beneath a tree. His finger against the bark, watching as a spider crawled onto it. A small thing, skittering over his finger as he allowed it into his palm, watching it with interest. So little, while Ivan was so big.

Ivan brought his hand up, slamming it against the bark of the tree. The spider that had once been on his hand, now crushed, while Ivan stared with no expression.

He had been snapped out of his thoughts when he saw a ball in the side of his vision. It rolled over to him and stopped against his ankle, definitely a soccer ball, one that wasn’t meant for soccer but kicked around like one anyway.

“Hey! Kick it back!”

The voice of another child made Ivan’s head perk up. Looking straight faced over at a group of children, all boys, that gestured to the ball beside Ivan. They wanted him to kick it over, why didn’t they just come get it themselves?

Ivan leaned forward, taking the ball in his hands. His arms wrapped around it rather than kicking it back, then took a step backwards away from the group. 

“What are you doing? That’s ours!”

One of the boys had seemed to notice that rather than returning it over, Ivan was taking it instead, wanting to keep the ball. The group ran over, it was now much more obvious these boys were a tad bigger than him. Ivan was a rather small child, shorter than even some girls, he just looked up at them emotionlessly.

“Give it back!”

“That isn’t yours!”

Some of them began to argue against him, trying to take it back, but Ivan was relentless. His nails dug into the ball, so hard that it tore through and popped, a dent in it as it started to deflate. Ivan looked at the ball, a little upset he accidentally broke it, but had been quickly distracted by the group around him becoming more angry.

“Now look what you’ve done, you freak!”

One of them snatched the broken ball, but Ivan didn’t let go. Clung to it and tried to pull, before another pushed him. 

“What a weirdo, your eyes are so creepy.”

Another scoffed, shoving Ivan back a bit. 

Ivan clenched his fists, about to throw a punch, until there was another yell from elsewhere and one of the boys that pushed him got there head cranked back by his hair with a loud yelp.

“Let go of him! Don’t pick on him, he’s only small!”

Whoever this kid was, their voice was annoying and high pitched, they spoke with so much ego that Ivan almost felt sorry for them when the group of boys started to attack them. So Ivan stepped up, throwing the first punch at one of the group that tried to punch them, then kicked another and pulled another one's hair. He won the fight, to no surprise, yet the child who tried to fight them and lost seemed proud.

“Yeah! And don’t come back!”

They said, despite a forming bruise around the eye and messy hair. 

Now, Ivan could get a better look. A young boy, one with ashy grey hair and pale skin. His eyes were sharp and bright teal with a band aid on his cheek and a missing tooth. He looked at Ivan and checked him over. For the same kid who came to protect him, Ivan was left without a scratch while the poor boy was battered and bruised.

“Are you okay? You should be more careful, you’re only little.”

The boy questioned. Ivan only gave a quiet nod in response, not wanting to bring up how this kid had been beaten up for him.

“I’m Till! Let’s be friends, I can protect you from those bullies!”

Maybe it was best to not bring up how the fight started because Ivan stole their ball.

“What’s your name?”

“.. Ivan.”

“Ivan is a weird name, but you also look kind of weird. Wanna play on the swings?”

Ivan stared at him, trying to find any hint of teasing but when he realised the boy, Till, was genuine, he nodded. Till took his hand with a big grin and ran him off to where the other children were.

From that day forth, Ivan became quickly obsessed with his new friend. 

They sat together in classes, even when Till had tried to save a seat for that pink haired girl, one he soon found out was named Mizi. 

They played together outside and inside, even though the group scuffled over who would play who in their games. Till insisted that he was the husband, Mizi was the wife, Sua was the daughter and Ivan was the dog. Sua wanted to be the wife with Mizi but Till always argued girls couldn’t marry girls, while Ivan didn’t mind being the dog. 

The two of them rough housed all of the time. Ivan quickly learnt that Till had been a cry baby and he was quick to anger over such simple things. Till insisted that Ivan was annoying and weird, which in a way was true. It wasn’t like Ivan tried to hide that, but really he didn’t realise the things he did were weird. Licking your friends tears away or biting them so hard they bleed weren’t weird, that’s just how he acted.

Ivan realised sooner than anybody that Till had a crush on their friend, Mizi. It wasn’t like he was good at keeping it a secret, not when all he ever did was look at her. Always fawning over her and blushing, talking about her when she wasn’t around. 

‘When I grow up, I want to marry Mizi.’

‘Do you think Mizi will like the flowercrown I made?’

‘I saved that chocolate for Mizi, give it back!’

Once again, he had been drawing her while sat behind a tree. It became a common thing that Ivan disturbed Till while he was doing anything really, but he especially liked to sit beside him and rest against his side, watching him draw. Again, it been Mizi, and again, Ivan felt something he didn’t quite understand.

“Why are you drawing Mizi again? You only ever draw her, it’s weird.”

The remark caused Till to flinch and glare.

“Hey! I’m not weird!”

“Yes you are, you always stare at her and draw her, all of your sketchbook is her. You’re weird.”

Till’s eyes glazed over, his fists clenching as Ivan called him weird. Nothing Ivan wasn’t used to, he looked at the sketchbook, staring at the drawings of Mizi in it. It made him feel sick, he didn’t like it, so he grabbed the sketchbook. Till was quick to try and pull it back.

“That’s mine! Don’t touch it!”

With a harsh push, Till knocked Ivan back onto his behind. Ivan stared at him, before launching at him, the sketchbook being thrown to the side as he hit him with a punch. Till hit back, rolling them to try and get Ivan off of him, but Ivan was relentless, a smile on his face despite the bruising forming on his cheek after being hit.

“Miss! Ivan and Till are fighting again!”

And just like that, the two found themselves being lectured by the teacher. Mizi had told on them, and they were dragged apart by their collars and brought to the class on time out. They had been forced to apologise to each other, Till still in tears as he did from not liking being told what to do and overall just being embarrassed, while Ivan said nothing.

“Ivan, if you don’t say sorry then I’m going to call your parents.”

At that, Ivan shook his head fast. His parents would be angry enough that he was coming home beaten up, but at least when he did that, he could say it was just a fight with the boys. If a teacher told on him, they’d find out it was Till, that could cause more problems.

After school, Ivan had been left to go home by himself. Sua had planned to go to Mizi’s house that night for a sleepover, meaning Ivan had to leave alone. Standing at the bus stop, he waited, expressionless and cold in the November air.

“Hey.”

A sudden voice snapped Ivan out of his empty head, looking around, eyes landing on Till who had walked up beside him. He had more bandages on now since their fight, Ivan had long nails so often scratched him. Despite it all, Till looked bashful. His cheeks and nose rosy and his hand up behind his neck, scratching. 

“I’m sorry for pushing you, but you shouldn’t have taken my sketchbook! Anyway, my mom is making food and she said I can invite anybody over as long as their parents are told first. Do you.. Want to come to my house to eat? If you want to.”

This was the first time anybody had ever invited Ivan over to their house. He looked dumbfounded, staring at Till like a deer in headlights, but eventually he nodded fast.

“I want to. I can tell eomeoni that I’m coming over on the phone, she won’t mind.”

Till’s eyes suddenly sparkled, looking excited. It was an expression Ivan rarely got to see on him whenever the two were around each other, so he relished in every second of it. Especially when Till took his hand and started dragging him off down the street.

A quick message to his mother meant he got the night with Till, now. The first time seeing his home, seeing his mother, time alone with Till without Mizi or Sua. Ivan’s heart was racing. Was his face hot or was it just the cold?

The moment the door opened, there was the smell of food. It wasn’t the type of food that Ivan was used to, his mother always had something expensive looking and done by a cook at home. 

“Welcome home, Till dear!”

A kind voice made itself known while Ivan took off his shoes at the door, it was respectful to do so.

“Oh my, and who might this young man be?”

She was.. Beautiful. In every sense of the word. Soft, short ashy hair well taken care of and brushed. Sharp eyes with gentle features like slightly rounder cheeks and a beauty mark below her eye. Till looked so much like his mother.. Ivan blushed, taking a step back from being shy.

“Mommy, this is Ivan. He’s shy.”

Till introduced, taking off his backpack and putting it down on the floor. Ivan’s gaze snapped over to him.

“Mommy?”

“Shut up!”

The other child’s face burnt deep red, shoving his friend. His mother only laughed at this and knelt down to Ivan’s height, putting out her hand for him to shake with a gentle smile. 

“It’s so nice to meet you, Ivan dear. I’m Till’s mother, Io.”

Ivan looked up at her and gave a shy nod, stepping forward to take her hand. His hand was so small compared to hers, she even had such a kind laugh as she shook it then stood.

Dinner time meant time for Ivan to connect with another adult, helping Io set the table and making her fawn.

“Such a little gentleman, Ivan! Till never helps me make the table.”

Teased Io, mixing her cooking as Ivan climbed a chair to put all of the plates neatly. Till had been busy trying to find his homework for school up in his room, coming down panting when he found it.

“Till has told me so much about you, Ivan, he talks about you all the time.”

Till blushed deeply, “Mommy! No I don’t!”

He refuted, earning a laugh from her mother as Ivan waited politely.

“Till talks a lot in general. Do you need help with dishing, miss Io? I can help.”

“Oh sweetheart, no need. But thank you so much for offering! You’re so well spoken for your age, so eloquent!”

The compliments made Ivan blush, nodding fast as a thank you, while Till on the other hand looked so very annoyed. 

“Mommy, we’re gonna go play outside since there’s time before dinners ready!”

“Okay dear, but make sure you can hear when I call you both.”

Io’s gentle smile made Ivan want to stay, but Till dragged him out by his wrist. Instead, they played soccer in the back yard. Ivan kicked the ball too hard, Till yelled angrily that he nearly hit him, while Ivan apologised despite the fact he didn’t seem to care much.

They sat side by side on the grass while Ivan blew bubbles, Till sat sketching the clouds in the sky.

“Can I ever go to your house?”

Questioned Till, suddenly. 

Ivan shook his head, “My parents don’t like other kids coming over. That’s why Sua always goes to Mizi’s house instead.”

“That’s stupid,” Till scoffed. “You can keep coming to my house instead then, I guess. My mom likes you.”

“Boys! Dinners ready!”

The dinner between them was nice, nicer than the usual dinners Ivan had at home. Io was so polite, asking a bunch of questions about Ivan’s home life, where he came from, how Till and him became friends. Ivan answered everything well and got compliments in return. The longer the conversation went on, Till seemed to become more and more annoyed that his mother’s attention was on Ivan instead of him. Protective of her, and overall just jealous.

“You’re being weird again.”

Remarked Ivan, sat on Till’s bed crosslegged as he watched his friend huff and puff while trying to connect his console controller.

“I’m not being weird, you’re weird! All of the adults always like you, it’s freaky! She’s my mom, not yours, I won’t let you take her from me!”

Despite another bickering session, they played video games until the sun fell. Till always slept with a night light, saying not to tell anybody but he was scared there was a monster in the closet, and that his mom said if he had a night light that it would protect him. So Ivan struggled to sleep, his sleeping bag on the floor was too thin and the fabric made him cringe. Instead, he climbed Till’s bed and sat beside him, staying quiet.

Till always looked peaceful when he slept, so calm and didn’t have his guard up. Sleeping was vulnerable, and Till trusted Ivan enough to be vulnerable in front of him. The bruises on his cheek looked more pale in the night light’s glow, and his breathing was soft. Every rise and fall of his chest Ivan tried to mimic, bringing his small hand up carefully to card Till’s hair behind his ear. Till’s nose scrunched in his sleep at that, it made Ivan’s chest ache.

This was what it felt like to be content. To not be alone in his own room feeling nothing, just thinking and staring at the ceiling above him. No mother giving him a kiss on the head goodnight, or hearing the soft breathing of another beside him, no night light to ease his troubled mind. But with Till, he got everything he never thought he wanted.

Something peaceful. Something he loved.

Until it all came crashing down.

“Ivan sweety, you’re going to love this school! It’s for the best of the best, and we were able to get you a spot in it! A place like this will get you the best grades, you’ll be able to go to university in no time!”

His mother exclaimed cheerfully, holding out the papers to signify that Ivan had been accepted into some prestigious middle school against his will. A smile forced its way onto his lips, looking at his mother like he had been excited. He wasn’t.

“Do I have to, eomeoni? I made friends here, and I don’t want to leave Sua.”

“Oh come now dear, you can always message your friends! And Sua can facetime you as soon as you both get home! You’ll make some new friends while you’re there, but this is such a big opportunity for you dear, you can’t pass this up! You’ll make me and your abeoji so proud!”

So he really did have no choice. Ivan was forced to move away, to go live with his auntie until he could graduate middle school and high school, only then would he be allowed to come back if he chose to.

Saying goodbye to Mizi was hard, she sobbed and hugged him, saying she would bring him gifts before he left to remember her by, even though Ivan planned on staying in touch. The two grew close thanks to Sua. Ivan never hated her, even if he did envy that Till’s attention was always on her.

Then it was saying goodbye to his sister, knowing now that they had grown up a bit more and she had Mizi, she wouldn’t be alone. Ivan had picked up the ability to socialise and wouldn’t be the odd child out anymore, so she trusted he would be alright. This was the first time they’d be split in their whole life, all he could do was see her during summer break.

And lastly, Till.

The hardest.

Ivan didn’t have any idea what to say to Till. Their relationship had always been complicated, Till didn’t like him, but he did, even though Ivan pissed him off. He hated him but he didn’t, it was all confusing. 

Since reaching 11, Ivan's feelings for Till had gotten worse, while Till’s had stayed just the same. They still argued, they still fought. Till would still push him away and call him a loser while inviting him over to his house and then getting mad that he lost at his own video games.

But his gaze remained on Mizi. 

Ivan was certain, after he left, that was all he’d be focused on. Till was a strong kid and he had a lot of attitude to him, he would get over things easily. 

On the way down that familiar street, Ivan could only take in the sights for the last time. Remembering how many times he walked beside Till down this same road when they were kids, how many times they played chase and rode their bikes. 

He reached the door and raised his fist, going to knock, but the door swung open. 

“What do you want, moron?”

Till questioned with an attitude, leaning against the door frame with a pencil behind his ear. Still as beautiful as ever, even with paint on his face. 

Ivan smiled, “Ah, I just wanted to drop off your hoodie. I forgot I still had it.”

Taking his backpack off, he tugged out a red hoodie that had belonged to Till.

“You asshole! Do you know how long I’ve been looking for this?!”

Snatching back his hoodie, Till growled. Ivan only laughed in response and tilt his head.

“You never told me, or I would have brought it back.”

There was a silence between them as Till tied the hoodie around his waist, not wanting to put it on quite yet. Ivan watched, trying to think of anything he could say about what was about to happen. The thought of not seeing Till again was suddenly hitting him, the same boy he had fallen madly in love with, not being able to see him at school everyday, it made him clench his fists.

“Till-”

Ivan began, earning his attention. But the moment Till looked at him, his voice got caught in his throat. Swallowing down a thickness that made him feel sick. If he said nothing now, Till would forget him soon enough, but if he laid down how he felt, Till would slam the door on his face and Ivan would have left with that.

Sweat beaded on his forehead, trying to bite back the disgusting feeling, before he forced a smile.

“I’ll see you later, alright? Tell your mom I said hi.”

Till quirked a brow, arms folded as he shrugged.

“Whatever you say, weirdo. Next time don’t come all the way over to drop off my stuff, you could have given me it at the bus stop. Nevermind, see you, moron.”

With that, the door closed. Everything that Ivan wanted to say had been swallowed down with bile and clenched fists. It was better this way. Better Till never knowing how deep those waters ran, how far he was willing to go for him, just how bad he was obsessed with him. 

Then after that, he didn’t see him again.