Chapter Text
Spencer loved mornings in his new neighbourhood, when he was awake for them anyways. He loved the red brick buildings, the smell of exhaust and spices and coffee from Miguel’s cart. He liked seeing Martha and her shopping cart of collectibles-he never knew what she’d show him on a given day. He liked the art sprayed on the walls and the trees that cropped up every few feet on the sidewalk.
He liked the rare bird calls and the way the windchimes tinkled/rang when he went into Arthur’s Antique’s and how Artie would always let him ramble or talk about an obscure edition of a book and how even though Artie could barely hold eye contact in a conversation, he’d always notice the days when Spencer was shaky on his feet and slide a scone or breakfast roll across the counter and tell him not to let the next stiff breeze blow him away.
He'd just gotten dropped off on his street from the train station, aways from his apartment. He felt like a walk and liked how the cool October air washed over his skin. It made him shiver even with his jacket, but he liked how it felt when he was coming down. Like a cleanse from all the filth he’d doused himself in.
It was early enough that there were only a few people scattered around, men in suits stressing into a phone, business owners just opening their doors, moms pushing strollers. Just as Spencer looked up to admire the golden yellow of the tree leaves above him, a voice startled him from his reverie.
“Come back to earth space cadet!”
“Coffee!” Spencer beamed at Miguel’s frowny face.
“It’s Miguel but okay, glad to see you got your priorities straight”
“Sorry Miguel but the sight of your coffee cart after an all nighter is just too sweet for my sore eyes” Spencer chuckles.
Miguel's smirks back at him and chuckles in tandem. He sets to work putting the finishing touches on Spencer’s regular order. He chuckles to himself at the sight of Spencer’s beaming face and how he bounces with excitement. He knows Spencer well enough by now to know that he genuinely is almost as happy to see Miguel as he is to see coffee. From the first time he saw the guy he had this air of loneliness around him, so he always tried to be friendly and one day he realized he wasn’t even pretending to like the guy.
Miguel stops laughing when he takes a second look at Spencer’s eyes though. With all the addicts he comes across, checking has become second nature to him by now. His eyes are dilated and red rimmed with dark heavy bags under them that he can’t remember Spencer ever not having but they’re darker than normal. His eyes still have a small spark in them, but he knows its chemical, and even though Spencer is bouncing up and down he can see his hands shaking in his coat pocket.
As he puts a lid on the extra-large mocha with an extra shot of espresso and cream and caramel drizzle, he gives him another subtle once over. He’s wearing one of his signature scarves, but it’s not wrapped around his neck properly and it doesn’t hide the hickies on his neck. He knows that sober Spencer or mostly sober Spencer would be mortified if he knew so he doesn’t point it out. He looks down at the black skinny jeans that are somehow still hanging on him. The sight makes him from. If Spencer’s in jeans it means he wore them for work because he hates how they feel and wouldn't wear them otherwise, and when Spencer goes away for work, he always comes back high or hungover and thinner than when he left.
Miguel just sighs to himself in resignation. He bends down to open the bottom drawer and grab the item he thought he might need today. By the time he straightens he plasters on a smile for Spencer’s sake and hands over the coffee and one of Marisol’s breakfast burritos.
“What’s this for?” Spencer gazes at the burrito as though he’s an alien seeing food for the first time.
“A breakfast burrito. Marisol made them and I had one extra”
“You really didn’t have to, thank you”
“No worries, Spencer. Me, Artie and Lila have a bet going to see who can fatten you up first. Just make sure you eat that and have lunch later and it will put me in the lead.” Miguel chuckles.
“Hey! I-I’m not that bad. Seriously, though tell Marisol thank you for me. Her huevos rancheros were delicious last time.” Spencer frowns while he fishes money out of his pocket and tries to hand it over to Miguel only to have him beat his hand away.
“Hey, what was that for!” Spencer yelps.
Miguel just smirks at him “You know your money’s no good here. Besides don’t you remember you gave me $2000 dollars last time and told me to keep the caffeine coming for the foreseeable future”
Spencer frowns “Huh. Don’t remember that. Kind of genius of past me though. That’s gonna save me time counting change.” He frowns to himself again, looking lost for a moment. Then he seems to shake it off and throws Miguel another beaming smile “Well, thanks again Miguel, I’ll see you tomorrow have a good day.”
“You too brainy boy, say hi to Lila for me” Miguel nods and goes back to setting up his cart for the rest of the day.
Spencer smiles to himself and thinks about how grateful he is to have these strangers in his life he now calls friends. It makes him think he’s like Blanche DuBois from A Streetcar Named Desire: “I have always relied on the kindness of strangers” he whispers to himself. Except that isn’t really true he thinks as the first sweet, delicious sip of coffee burns his tongue. Maybe when he was younger but after his 20s, he came to rely on his friends, his old team. The people he never sees anymore and probably never will again.
Spencer blocks out the thought and clumsily unwraps the burrito. He ignores the hollow numb hole that is his stomach and forces himself to eat. He doesn’t want to disappoint Miguel or his wife Marisol and besides her food is always amazing. Spencer’s drug fuelled body just isn’t always up for food. He finishes his coffee and has forced down half the burrito by the time he makes it to Lila’s.
He opens the door to the bookstore, but Lila isn’t behind the desk, so he starts wandering the shelves. He smiles to himself as he sees the back of her lilac head single mindedly shelving books in the fantasy-romance section. He can’t resist tiptoeing behind her and whispering in her ear “It’s not right that a woman should read, soon she starts getting ideas and thinking.” For good measure, Spencer tickles her ribs while she starts and yelps and wriggles in his hold.
“Jesus Christ, Spencer you scared me! Also, you should know by now that quote has no place in this bookstore!” Lila smacks him and wriggles out of his hold but the twinkle in her eyes betrays the fact she’s not too mad. After a moment of shared laughter, a smile overtakes half her face and the sight of it fills Spencer with warmth and he thinks what a privilege it is to be on the receiving end of one of Lila’s smiles. She always said her mouth was too big for her face, so she was self-conscious about it. He told her it was nonsense of course but all the women he’s known rarely believe compliments about themselves, it’s a tragedy really but it makes Lila’s smile even more precious to him.
Her eyes start to squint though the longer that she looks at him and Spencer ducks his head in shame so he doesn’t have to look at her as she figures it out.
“Spencer, look at me” Lila says tersely, voice turning serious.
Spencer shakes his head slightly, but then soft dry fingers are grabbing his chin and force him to look at Lila’s grey eyes which are piercing through him like needles taking everything in as always. This is what he wanted to avoid because as much as he loves these eyes, they are one of the few pairs in the world that truly see him. The real him. Not the genius or the addict or the body. But Spencer and all his many layers of wreckage that he’d rather keep covered up. Spencer gulps at her tight expression but then she just sighs and softens like she’s seen a sick puppy by the side of the road that she has no choice but to drive past.
Spencer is pulled into a soft, firm hug that makes him release all the tension he’s been carrying for the last few days. It’s enough to bring tears to his eyes because these arms are the closest thing he can call home since he left his old one.
“Oh, Spence” she whispers, and the nickname makes his throat tight “We said no more hiding remember.”
“I know, I’m sorry. Force of habit I guess” Spencer says to her neck as he settles into the hug and squeezes tighter. Eventually Lila releases him but keeps hold of his shoulders and stares straight at him. She’s giving him her ex-doctor expression which means business.
“It’s okay Spence, we had a deal remember. I don’t care if you’ve used you just have to be honest about it. You know I can’t judge…Now did you eat already?”
“Half a breakfast burrito from Miguel and Marisol”
Lila smiles knowingly “God, I’m jealous. I really need to ask Miguel if Marisol makes anything vegan. Oh, well you can finish the other half and maybe have one of my chocolate coconut cookies after we step into my office-if you’re good!” Lila flashes him bedroom eyebrows like she’s flirting but Spencer knows they’re not headed to bed quite yet.
“Do we have to?” Spencer groans in a half-hearted attempt to get out of this but Lila is too stubborn for that. She starts leading him to the back past the stock room, the tarot room and the kitchen. She just smiles mischievously “You know better than that Malysh. Cookies, remember? Also, I promise it’ll be relatively painless. Not too much probing. This time.” Spencer groans and drags his feet but can’t help but smile at the humour and the Russian pet name. Its another small thing that reminds him of home.
Lila drags him through the bead curtain into a small white room that houses the comfiest thrift store futon, a mini fridge, sink, a desk and shelves littered with boxes of medications and pieces of medical equipment that definitely were not legally acquired. Lila pushes him down into the couch like an invalid and he has to resist the urge to sink into the cushions and sleep.
She potters around, picking up random objects out of drawers and sets them on a table beside Spencer before dragging a stool in front of him. She looks squarely at him like a bull about to go after a red flag which makes him chuckle, but she just glares at him.
“Okay Spence, you know the drill. Show me” she commands
Spencer sighs but grudgingly takes his jacket off, Lila helps as she notices him stalling. It’s only when starts unbuttoning his shirt that she sees how shaky his hands are, she bats his hands away and undresses him quickly, keeping her face blank as she takes him in. She’s trained for this, and she’s seen worse but it’s always worse when you watch it happen to someone you know. Someone you love.
Spencer’s always been thin, but his ribs look like they’re trying to cut through his skin. Worse, are the bruises that cover his neck and torso in varying shades of red, purple, green and yellow like a violent rainbow. She says nothing and checks his arms. There are only a couple of track marks, Spencer has avoided injecting there so often since he started working. She moves down to take of his shoes and socks. Bingo. There are more down here, including one angry red one she stops to disinfect with wipes and bandage. She looks up at Spencer whose hooded eyes are focused on the wall behind her, but he looks like he could be on another planet. It’s how he always gets through these ‘exams’ of theirs. She doesn’t comment on it. She gets it. “Anywhere else, Spence” she asks softly.
“No” he responds absentmindedly “Wait one on my thigh but I’ve mostly smoked or taken pill form. Sami needed me for a new project. No butt stuff since last month” he giggles.
Lila just rolls her eyes and helps Spence take off his jeans. There’s an injection sight on his left thigh surrounded by an angry purple bruise, but it doesn’t look like there’s risk of infection like the one on his foot. She still cleans and bandages it for her own peace of mind.
She takes his temperature and blood pressure. She frowns when she sees it’s a bit too low. She checks his pupils and sees how sluggish they are and suppresses another sigh and the slew of swear words that she wants to scream at him but doesn’t have the energy to. She’s been in the same position after all and she knows words mean nothing in the end, her screaming matches with her ex proved that.
She asks the questions she dreads “Is there anything else Spence?”
He still can’t quite look her in the eye “You look like Tinker bell with the pixie cut. It suits you.”
“Spencer”
“Fine, I don’t think so, but I don’t…know. I may or may not have lost a day between Thursday and Saturday.”
“SPENCER! Why the hell didn’t you call me?! After last time, these are exactly the kinds of situations when you need to call me. You promised” Lila growls at him, part frustrated, part worried, 1000% terrified for him.
All Spencer can do is curl up in shame. This is exactly why he didn’t call her. “I’m sorry” he whispers as tears come to his eyes. Lila is one of the only people he can disappoint now, and he hates it, but he can’t stop it. He’s a walking car wreck and he wants to keep her out of the blast zone. But he also knows she’s one of the only people who can handle all his mess and take it in stride.
Her hands rub his shoulders reassuringly and as weak as it makes him or so he thinks he can’t help but tear up at how comforting the gesture is. “It’s okay Spence” Lila gives him a watery smile, but her voice is steady “It’s all going to be okay; we’ll go to the clinic just in case as a precaution but I’m sure everything will be fine. So, action plan. I’m going to hug you again now because I need it as much as you do, then you’re going to get dressed and have a cookie and eat the rest of your burrito while I drive to the clinic and then later we’ll watch Rick and Morty and we can do some adult or pg-13 cuddling. How does that sound?” Lila smiles at him.
“Perfect” he responds.
Lila gives him another soft smile before moving in to hug him. Just as her hands reach his back she suddenly tenses and a shot of fear hits Spencer’s chest before she can even open her mouth.
“What the fuck, Spencer?” she shrieks.
That’s when it really sinks in for Spencer that he really fucked up this time.