Chapter Text
As the sun began to set, Suvuna stopped her pacing to survey her progress - only two beads had been placed since she started. Useless, stupid thing… used up thing, orc, pig-faced, can’t even make up for one bad night… She had spent far too long trapped in a cave in her head, with memories like snarling panthers prowling around her. The longer she sat staring at her incomplete beadwork, the more agonizing visions she remembered. She felt the quivering, sobbing body of a beloved servant go quiet in the cradle of her roots; she could hear Kuveru’s shaky, panicked breathing as she rubbed the white back of her silent newborn. From the wall, a dead and rotting fish stared at her, scribbled in charcoal and obsessive fear. Do you see it… the stars, no, twenty thousand in one pavilion… Visions of the past burned into her mind’s eye, reminding her of all the history she tirelessly worked to immortalize. Legs rended open - a merciful suicide - spears piercing innocent backs - a brick crushing a swollen belly - the scent of a corpse - the scent of urine - the laughter of men - loss, grief, miyoc.
It was everything Suvuna could do, that night, to keep her clan-sisters from wailing loudly enough to send their voices across the great plains and alert their pursuers. Many of them, led by nine martyrs, had just laid down their lives and afterlives to distract the Gocnuni army long enough for the rest to escape. They were sisters, mothers; even some children too dedicated to be stopped had joined their number. It was Suvuna’s plan, to let them die. Their love was as beautiful as their screams were loud, and she wondered if her people would ever forgive her for sending them to such a fate. Thousands of women, preserved by the blood of their beloved dead, surrounded Suvuna and Kuveru in a field of long grass. They were silent, tense; like lamed rabbits waiting for a hawk to pass over. Suvuna heard her new wife gurgle beside her, trying not to cry out as she delicately touched her hand to the ragged, open gash where her right tusk used to be. She tenderly laid her arm over Kuveru’s back, trying to send some semblance of comfort into her. Kuveru’s whole body smelled pungently of iron, wet and warmed by a core of righteous fury.
Suvuna looked up at the darkening sky, blue eyes reflecting its necrotic hue. There were already plenty of stars before, but tonight, the number was greater than any she could have ever fathomed. An incomprehensible myriad of lights wandered aimlessly across the void, welcoming new stars with every vuroc who was murdered with no braid. A wave of stifled sobs crested over the clan as they looked to the heavens, watching their precious sisters fly away into an eternity of solitude. Suvuna wanted desperately to lie down and scream until her voice was gone forever, but she knew that the moment the moonless sky was dark enough, she and Kuveru would have to be the first to run. Wide-eyed and bristling, she silently prayed that the cover of night would protect her clan long enough for them to disappear. She wondered if the droplets rolling down her cheeks were tears or blood.
The sound of her own labored breathing brought Suvuna back to her study. She was crouching on the floor, hiding in grass that wasn’t there, rocking, clutching at her wild heart. No, no, not… it’s over, it’s over, here I am, it’s not real, it’s not real and I’ll wake up… She whined, reaching to find her hair completely loose and splayed across the floor. Her violently shaking hands were useless. She couldn’t braid it - what if she died? She could die, she would die, and then there would be nothing, nothing, no life, no memory, never see her again… empty, wandering, bright, nothing, nothing, nothing…
Barely functional, Suvuna fell to her hands and knees, crawling to the corner where her loxu was stashed. Unable to get her fingers to obey, she used her tusks to rip the cork out of the first bottle she could grab, spitting it aside carelessly as she raised the bottle to eat. Some of the sticky fluid escaped her mouth, dribbling from her chin to the floor, leaving spots of residue that might never be cleaned. But the wonderful, precious, indispensable majority of the loxu went sweetly down her throat in greedy swallows. Anything, anything, just give me a break, just nothing for a little bit… Saccharine peace spread through her body, breathing a fuschia glow from the pit of her stomach to the tips of her fingers, calming the raging storm. Her vision grew hazy with the soft expansion of her pupils, and dim light poured into her pitch-dark headspace. If Suvuna’s life’s work was anything but memory, maybe she could just forget. For now, wonderful now, she could forget - the same way she’d forgotten how much sap she’d eaten already, and how much would send her dreaming forever. She breathed deeply, uncaring, and took her loxu to a nicely lit spot at the center of the weaving room floor. The skylight overhead showed a dazzling spray of white and orange; the floor at her back was cool and comfortable, and she relaxed as she felt the vapors of her traumas rise off of her body and dissipate into the clouds above. None of it happened. None of it is real. She smiled, cool tears trailing from the corners of her eyes.
Absentmindedly, Suvuna ate another mouthful of loxu, and another. She watched the roving stars in her vision become organized, arranging themselves into a blissfully rational grid. She took another mouthful. How much have I had by now...? The thought slid off of her like rain. If the stars would only shine a little brighter, come a little closer, maybe she could count them; reach out her hand and feel the soft lights of her family in her palm. Maybe then, all the dying would make sense. What an exquisite pleasure it would be, for the dying - all of the horrifically paralyzing dread and rage and grief, the mgaxyara - to finally make sense. Another pink mouthful went straight to her head, letting the field of stars grow brighter. Suvuna exhaled.
I’m happy.
***
Somewhere in a faraway dream, a beautiful voice shouted for help. A body felt itself rolling onto its side, gently guided, being rhythmically struck on the back like a drum. Candlelight filtered through the body’s eyelashes, illuminating a blurred stone surface covered in a tangled mess of silky black hair. The light faded, enveloping the world in a plush, velvet darkness.
***
The body began to shudder as its purple mouth heaved up viscous streams of dirty pink fluid. The stuttering flow of bile and sweet syrup sent a spark of awareness out into the void, beckoning its spirit to return. The spirit shrunk, afraid.
***
The body’s back hit the floor again. Its heart, already slow and too faint to hear, cried out in vain for oxygen, for fresh blood. The beautiful woman’s mouth answered, tusks scraping tusks as she breathed new and terrifying life into half-empty lungs. The spirit heard the gentle coo of Iyocyekiini’s voice; she named it yoca gone siini, wreathing it in her luminous, unbound hair.
***
The spirit heard the pleading wail of a voice it loved, keening over the body. The body sent a spark of desperation into the safe and comfortable void, beckoning its spirit to return. The spirit’s heart shattered, and it drew near, relenting.
***
Suvuna tried to get her eyes to focus, slowly clarifying the face of an angel wreathed in a halo of starlight. The angel held her breath, faint hope glimmering in her eyes. Suvuna’s head lolled to the side as she heard hurried footsteps, and she saw three figures appear in the doorway - one tall and two short. The short ones were odd-looking, one charcoal gray and the other white. Children? She had never seen children like these. The tall figure rushed forward, smelling sharply of herbs and tinctures. A hand brought something pungent under her nose, burning her throat as she inhaled. She breathed deeply, eyes widening momentarily as her lungs gratefully filled. The angel - Kuveru - whispered thanks and praises to Kiiyaneviinin as she pulled Suvuna’s ragdoll body into a tight embrace. Suvuna focused on breathing, thoughts muted and resistant to the grasp of her consciousness. She distantly heard a faint conversation between Kuveru and the healer, and the confused whimpering of the two short figures. My daughters…? She blinked sluggishly, looking between the two of them. Yes, my daughters.
They tentatively approached Suvuna, glancing between the three adults. The white one - Mara, she supposed - was silent and tearless, her expression unreadable. The gray one, Ikimot, hiccupped quietly as she tried to stop her tears. Suvuna stared blankly at them, exhausted. Go away… A puff of breath escaped her herb-burnt nose. She turned her head back to Kuveru, hiding her face in the woman’s thick braids. She groaned.
“Is mama okay?” asked Ikimot, sounding small and fretful. Kuveru’s braid shifted against Suvuna’s face as she snorted, a command for the healer to vacate. The healer shuffled her feet, hesitant, mumbling something about a follow-up and who to tell before she left. Kuveru’s head turned again.
“She’s going to be fine, kixi. She just needs…” Kuveru paused, her throat catching.
What do I need?
“...Time,” she concluded, uncertainty clouding her voice. “She’ll have to rest a while.” Suvuna’s chest tightened with the echo of a sardonic laugh she would have made, if only she had the strength.
Mara’s feather-light hand reached out for Suvuna’s shoulder, and she flinched, resenting the touch of anyone but her beloved comforter. Kuveru slapped Mara’s hand away. “Leave her be. Go stay with Sifena tonight.” She snorted, sending the girls away with a simple nod. They walked quickly, avoiding Kuveru’s defensive ire.
Once they left, Kuveru’s authoritative polish fell. She squeezed Suvuna against her again, the warm radiation of her heart easing the sick woman’s dazed mind. Suvuna felt Kuveru’s nervous tears tracing pathways over her shoulder. I’m so tired…
“Then sleep, ya silii vikimo kedi,” she crooned, her quivering voice barely above a whisper. Relieved, Suvuna’s eyelids slid shut. She felt tear-wet tusks lay love into the skin of her cheek as a rich blackness enveloped her.
***
For a precious, serene moment, Suvuna’s eyes fluttered open. Kuveru, focused ardently on her task, didn’t notice the soft indigo eyes that caressed her, trailing the graceful slope of her neck to her glistening shoulder. She sat at Suvuna’s side in one of the many basins of Nurocnu’s bathhouse, illuminated by the orange flame of a nearby lamp, her scarred fingers gently washing the sickness from Suvuna’s freshly combed hair. Warm water held them like a primordial cradle, lulling Suvuna into blissful thoughtlessness as she floated between the arms of her perfect wife. Kuveru turned to Suvuna, her brilliant golden eyes shining with relief and happiness when she saw the quiet woman awake. Suvuna’s lazy hand rose up from the water, loosely brushing her forefingers over the sweetly curved skin that revealed where Kuveru’s tusks sat under her bottom lip. Ame, called her heart.
“Ame,” returned Kuveru, pressing her tear-stained cheek to Suvuna’s palm. Immersed in the haven of Kuveru’s divine love, Suvuna drifted again to sleep.
***
When she awoke again, Suvuna felt the peaceful glowing of her loxu-high slowly beginning to fade, threatening her with the bottomless darkness that so reliably drove her back to the lutxur. She felt Kuveru’s steadying hands on her damp skin, setting her down on their fur-lined bed. The coolness of her wet hair roused her, and she opened her eyes, taking in the silhouette before her. “...Ya kixi?” She mumbled, reaching up for the figure.
Kuveru’s lips pulled across her tusks in a faint smile as she took Suvuna’s hand. “Kixi ya,” she answered, her face a blend of exhaustion and gratitude.
Suvuna’s gaze flicked around the dimly lit bedroom, trying to find context for the strange heaviness she felt. “What’s going on…?” She wondered, sitting up and settling cross-legged into the edge of the mattress.
The scarred woman let out a small sigh. “You don’t know?”
“I was working in my studio,” Suvuna offered quietly.
A sad look crossed Kuveru’s face, and she climbed into bed, sitting behind Suvuna and taking up her loose hair in practiced hands. Her voice was timid, doubtful - as if her words would somehow burn her tongue. “You… I don’t know everything that happened,” she began. “You ate too much. I found you, oh, my love…” Suvuna’s breath caught in her chest, heart aching at the agonized wavering in Kuveru’s voice.
Not you, can’t even… not even for you… Suvuna let herself take a breath, grasping for stability in the feeling of the braid that Kuveru was faithfully weaving into her hair. She reached backward, stroking her wife’s leg regretfully. “I didn’t mean to,” she whispered, ashamed.
Through her half-formed braid, Suvuna felt Kuveru’s useless attempt to suppress the trembling in her hands. “I thought you were dead. Your hair was undone - you looked dead, you…” Kuveru trailed off, shoulders faintly shaking as she desperately tried to focus on her braiding. “...Why, Suvuna?”
Suvuna curled in on herself, arms crossing tightly over her stomach. Her voice was taut, full of shame, full of self-disgust. “There was an animal,” she explained, murmuring. “I’m not sure it wasn’t a dream… but there was an animal, eating at the lutxur with me. It spoke to me, somehow - it showed me a history of Nurefetu, long ago, even before our people crossed the southern mountains.”
“An animal showed you this?” Kuveru sounded confused, but her affect was tinged with a patience that opened her to even this strange truth.
“Yes. It was like a… a tuka nu onefeti. I would name it Efikita.”
“Efikita,” Kuveru breathed, rolling the strange word over her tongue. Suvuna was glad to feel her shaking subside as the braid continued. She nodded.
“There was war here, Kuveru.” Suvuna’s throat tightened with the palpable recollection, familiar dread crawling back into her mind. “Hopeless, ruthless war like ours. The people were peaceful, and their attackers barricaded their only ways out. They were defenseless. I felt them dying.”
Finishing Suvuna’s braid, Kuveru laid down on her side. She delicately brushed Suvuna’s waist, silently asking her to settle in her arms. The request was as irresistible as it had always been. Suvuna turned, laying down to face Kuveru with her head resting on the taller woman’s bicep. She allowed herself a moment to squeeze her eyes shut, praying the red, shrieking visions of the past would give her some respite. Never works, not now, why now…
Kuveru’s hand resting on Suvuna’s neck brought her back to the present. Her scarred face was darkened with sorrowful understanding. “That sounds terrifying,” she sympathized, pulling Suvuna close. She stroked her back as the weaver pressed her forehead to Kuveru’s chest, vainly seeking solace in the rhythm of her powerful heartbeat.
“It was,” she admitted, her voice wavering.
Kuveru touched her tusks to the top of Suvuna’s head, trying to soothe her. It took all of Suvuna’s strength not to cry, knowing that even her purest love could not heal the festering wounds in her soul. Despairing, she inhaled deeply, letting a mask of gradual calmness take over her features. Kuveru’s benevolent crooning and praying went on and on, and Suvuna closed her eyes as if the dreamless sleep she so fondly craved had finally taken hold of her. When she felt Kuveru’s breathing even out beside her, Suvuna rolled to her belly, staring over the edge of her bed as if it was the face of a cliff. The black tendrils of death at the edges of her vision writhed and twisted, reckoning figures of loss, spelling a doom for Suvuna that would not be escaped even in the binds of Kiiyaneviinin’s heavenly braid.
In her waking dreams, a hundred tiny stars settled around her, promising sweetly that one day she would be free.