Chapter Text
“Stop moving, Cao.” Hollyberry spoke sternly. She held a cotton pad in her hand that was doused in hydrogen peroxide.
Dark Cacao’s eye twitched as he sat, reluctantly, on the toilet while Hollyberry attempted to tend to his wounds. On the counter of the sink was medical tape, gauze, and the bottle of peroxide, all barely touched due to Dark Cacao continuously flinching and pulling himself away.
“You didn’t let the medics do this, so now I have to…” Hollyberry dropped her arms, her voice full of exasperation as she pleaded with him. “Just work with me, babe.”
Dark Cacao slumped against the toilet, gritting his teeth. He didn’t let the medics dress his wounds because didn’t want them dressed.
And he wasn’t going to let Hollyberry do it just because she was his lover.
She shook her head, sighing, annoyed.
If Hollyberry didn’t know better, she’d think Dark Cacao’s face was permanently frowning.
The pair had run into a pack of snarling animals while on their walk in the Hollyberrian Jungle. Both strong and skilled, they fended off the pack easily, only coming out with minor injuries.
Hollyberry, anyway.
Dark Cacao let his fight with the savage animals drag on. So long, to the point where he was almost overpowered.
Hollyberry watched, helpless due to drooling animals wanting to make her food, as her lover let the creatures attack him.
From the scuffle, Dark Cacao gained gnarly claw marks all over his body. They went deep into his skin, the blood seeping into his clothes as it dripped down his skin. His body became inflamed, making him extremely sensitive.
Hollyberry was banged up herself. She had gauze tapped to her forehead as one of the animals caught her off guard, mostly from her extended, horrified glances at Dark Cacao. The only other injuries she suffered were small kicks to her arms.
Fortunately, none of the cuts were deep enough for stitches.
Hollyberry let her medics work quickly on her, laughing with them as she was a regular visitor to the infirmary. She knew the lead doctors by name, and even teased the newbies as they tended to her.
On the contrary, Dark Cacao fought against the medics who tried to help him.
He raised his voice, pushing them away. He became so enraged at their desire to help him he got physically violent.
Hollyberry had to actually hold Dark Cacao back from hurting her people, which she was not pleased about. But, she understood, to an extent, his struggle.
Dark Cacao had always loathed getting his injuries tended to. The process of sitting still made him antsy. The bright lights, the unreasonable chatter, and he hated the feeling of healing magic binding his skin back together.
It made him uneasy, especially due to his common acts of self-harm, anything healing related put him on high alert.
Now, Hollyberry was stuck trying to tend to the multiple, careless injuries on her lover’s skin.
And she was losing her patience fast.
“If you do not stop moving, I will pour this whole bottle on you.” Hollyberry threatened, shaking the bottle violently in her hand. Dark Cacao watched her with unamused eyes, and gritted teeth.
With her free hand, she held Dark Cacao’s arm firmly. She gently moved the cotton pad along one gash. Dark Cacao exhaled through his nose, his face twisting in discomfort.
“I know it burns, just…just work with me, sweetheart. Please?” Hollyberry shook her head, pressing her lips thin as she focused on his arms.
She was praying he didn’t pull himself away.
He grunted, and evidently pulled his arm away from her hands. She backed off, nodding at a decent amount of cuts she cleaned up.
She looked at the pad, it was covered in blood. Hollyberry scrunched her nose, tutting, as she threw it away. Reaching back to the counter, she picked up another pad, pouring peroxide on it. Dark Cacao watched her every move.
“C’mon, Cao…” Hollyberry leaned in, kissing his forehead. She smiled tiredly. “You’re being a biggg baby, now.”
Dark Cacao grumbled under his breath. It made Hollyberry roll her eyes.
“I get it. You don’t like it. Who likes getting hurt?” She sat on his lap, rubbing his bare chest tenderly.
Dark Cacao’s eyes flickered between Hollyberry and the cotton pad in her hand.
While letting her clean his wounds would be easier, Dark Cacao would rather feel the ache and burn of his skin.
He’d rather try and ignore the painful itch he needed to scratch deep within his body then let his mind run wild. The anger he felt, the guilt he couldn’t let go of. It felt easier to be in physical pain rather than mental pain.
So he’d rather it burn. Back home, the medics only insisted Dark Cacao be medically checked a few times before giving up—they knew their king wouldn’t allow them to touch him.
They learned to move on, going to help people who actually wanted to be helped.
He felt his body twitching as he swallowed hard. Something burned, he couldn’t tell if it was his mind, or on his actual body.
Here, in his lover’s kingdom, the medics were persistent. They were trying to pull him over, trying to force their good natured hands on his injuries.
“Dark Cacao!”
He blinked, focusing back on Hollyberry’s words. He squinted with the warm light of the bathroom as his ears honed in on the snapping of Hollyberry’s fingers.
Hollyberry sighed. “There you are. I was talking to you, grump.”
Fully focused again. The dull ache became a blazing fire on his skin. He looked down, realizing that Hollyberry worked her way through all the claw marks on his arms and face.
She smiled, pleased with her work. Hollyberry got up from Dark Cacao’s lap, beginning to clean up the medical items scattered around.
“You haven’t said much, sweetheart.” Hollyberry raised her brow.
The opening of cabinet hinges, the thumps each item made as it was put away, and the clicks of containers sealing shut drowned out Hollyberry’s voice.
Dark Cacao cleared his throat, mindlessly scratching a wound hidden underneath the gauze. Hollyberry glanced over, hearing the raspy rustling below her.
His eyes looked glazed, and his eyebrows were pinched together in focus.
She shook her head. “Don’t scratch it, Cao. You’ll make it hurt more.”
“...”
“I need to.” His answer was short, focusing solely on putting pressure on the wounds.
Dark Cacao sucked in his breath through his teeth. The pressure that he pressed into his skin made his arm tremble.
“What?” Hollyberry blinked, bewildered. She reached over and swatted his hand away from his arm. “Why, what? You’re talking stupid, baby!”
His voice quivered. “I must.”
“Why must you?” She knelt down, looking up at her lover to study him. Dark Cacao took a deep breath, his chest was tight.
His mind ran wild—he needed it to stop.
“...It helps.”
“You must be clearer.” She took his hands, squeezing them. “What helps? What does pressing the gash help?”
“The pain.” He rasped.
Dark Cacao attempted to fight against her grip as the urge to hurt himself made it hard to breathe. Hollyberry clenched her jaw, grabbing him by his wrists tightly. He locked teary eyes with hers.
She swallowed a lump in her throat.
“...What does the pain help with?”
Dark Cacao shot her a glare as tears pricked the corners of his eyes. His heartbeat was wild in his chest. “You would not understand.”
“Well,” She chuckled in disbelief. “I’m trying to understand, baby, but you’ve got to be clearer.” She struggled to keep Dark Cacao’s hands in her grasp as he continued to wriggle his wrists away.
Hollyberry spoke through clenched teeth. “You cannot tell me ‘it helps’ and I should know what that means?”
Dark Cacao ripped his hands free. Hollyberry rushed to grab them back, but Dark Cacao stuck them behind his back. She tugged at his arm with all her strength, but quickly stopped when Dark Cacao winced in pain.
Hollyberry backed away, hoping that giving him space would make him stop whatever he was doing.
Dark Cacao was breathing heavily. “It…It does not concern you.”
“You—fuck—you are my concern?” Rubbing her hands, she also breathed hard. “I love you, Cao,” She pinched the bridge of her nose. “And you worry me a lot.”
Dark Cacao bit his tongue. His stomach felt like an arrow shot through it. He refrained from probing at the gauzed-wounds by standing up.
“You would not understand.” His voice was loud and defensive.
“You know what I understand?” Hollyberry barked, her patience snapping from his tone. “I understand that you’re reckless!”
Dark Cacao scoffed, furrowing his eyebrows. He held his trembling hands together.
“Reckless?”
“Yes, reckless.” She slammed the cabinet door closed after putting everything away.
Dark Cacao widened his eyes, watching the wooden door bounce a few times before settling. He scowled at Hollyberry.
“You carelessly throw yourself in the way when harm presents itself!” She spoke with her hands.
“You are hypocritical.” He sneered. “You do the same, damn thing.”
“Here's the difference, babe.” She chuckled, shaking her head with a frustrated smile. “I do throw myself in harm's way. But when I do it, I'm protecting others, selflessly.” She pointed to herself, aggressively poking her chest as she emphasized each word.
“When you throw yourself in harm's way? You're looking to hurt yourself!”
Dark Cacao clenched his fists at his sides. “You're claiming I don't protect—”
“That's not what I meant.” She quickly cut him off. “I meant that protecting is the only time I throw myself in harm's way so recklessly. I don't fight just to get hurt!”
“I—”
“You?” She looked him up and down, “You’re selfish.”
“You got violent with my medics, Cao! I had to hold you back, HOLD!” She failed her arms out. “Do you know how that felt!?”
“...”
“No, ya wouldn’t! You’re too damn absorbed in yourself!”
Dark Cacao’s breath hitched at her words. His clenched fists shook angrily at his sides, but he couldn’t build one once of rage against her. His angry scowl melted into pursed lips, forcing himself not to cry.
She was right. He was selfish.
He couldn’t live without the pain. His life revolved around his suffering—a potent addiction. He couldn’t stop even if he tried his damn hardest. He was trapped.
And he put himself there.
Selfishly.
He locked himself away—he let nobody in. He had the key in front of him to let himself out, yet he continued to wail on the locked door.
And he did it selfishly.
“You handle your body as if you're a training dummy!” Hollyberry spat, angry tears welled in her eyes from yelling. “You’re not made of straw, or wood, or steel, Cao! You’re a fucking person, damnit!”
Hollyberry groaned with livid frustration. She rubbed her face, putting her other hand on her hip, she tried to collect herself. Dragging her hand down her face, she looked at Dark Cacao.
He stood completely still, all his muscles tensed. He stood so still that it seemed like he wasn’t even breathing—she squinted her eyes just to make sure. He still had his hands clasped out in front of him, and his gaze was hazily glued to her.
In his mind, he felt small, even though he towered over the woman in front of him.
Dark Cacao did everything in his power not to cry.
She took a deep breath, shaking her head. Hollyberry watched the wetness in her lover’s eyes, feeling guilt creep into her stomach. She bit her lip.
Looking to the ground, she shook her head.
Though she never meant to make him cry, it was more important to her that he understood. Hollyberry stepped closer, her footsteps echoing in the bathroom.
She reached her hands to his face, wiping his tear-filled eyes. “I dunno what you want me to do, baby…I cannot fix this for you.”
“...”
“You cannot keep living like this.”