Chapter Text
He didn’t know what to do. He was in Luke’s body. Luke was in his. Back in London. He wasn’t sure they’d ever even changed over such a distance before, he couldn’t remember it but if they had it hadn’t been him. There was that message from him, his own name and number, because Luke… Luke was in his bathroom. With his razorblade and his bleeding arm and, oh, God, it couldn’t have been worse, couldn’t have looked more incriminating. He was debating what to do, swallowing hard, when the device began to buzz. There it was, a call, and he was grateful he already had roaming enabled because otherwise his bill was going to be horrendous. He stared. He should answer. He needed to answer. Luke was going to be furious, he was reaching out but it had been ringing for too long and now…
1 missed call, showed the screen.
Oh, Luke was going to be losing his mind. Tom was losing his mind which was unfortunate because his mind and his body weren’t currently connected in any kind of way that made sense. His throat, Luke’s throat, was dry, and when he looked at the phone screen again he could see that his hands were trembling.
“Paloma?” he called out, cautiously, but there was no response. She must be at work. He felt awful but he couldn’t remember what she even did for work and now he was sitting down heavily on the floor, resting his head between his knees. There were a few more buzzes before he finally managed to look up.
Texts – two of them.
Answer the fucking phone, Mayo.
Tom. We have to talk about this.
And… a whatsapp message. Which was now becoming rather more whatsapp messages because -
tomwoodmanmayo: can someone get in contact with Tom?
samruss: Who’s he in?
alexanderjeremy: not me.
samruss: wait shit Luke is Tom in you??
tomwoodmanmayo: he’s not answering my texts or calls.
tomwoodmanmayo:wasn’t sure if he’d answer from you guys.
lukefromessex: I’m fine.
tomwoodmanmayo: oh thank god.
samruss: you’re in LUKE???
samruss: did you fly back in without telling us? Are you in the country?
tomwoodmanmayo: we need to talk about this.
His heart sunk down to sit somewhere in the base on his stomach, carrying with it a heavy nausea. Now Luke was going to out him to the rest of the guys and it was all going to start again, just like at uni when they first found out, long before this body swapping shit started at all. They were always so worried when he relapsed; and he'd been doing so well but now Luke was in his body, and he was getting that and he'd be feeling it and would he feel the relief? Would he have the rush? Now his hands, Luke’s hands, were shaking… no burn or sting, even though this body didn't hunger for it with the familiarity that his own body did. How much of it was learned? Christ…
He jumped as the phone started to ring again - flashing his picture, and he took a breath, and this time, he answered it, swiping across the accept the call and pressing it against Luke’s ear.
“Hello.” he said, a statement, rather than a question.
“You need to start talking,” Luke said, and hearing his own deep voice down the line was always more than a little jarring, a little dissonant. Thankfully the line didn’t feel too different to watching back his recordings of himself, but it was still… strange. His legs wobbled; he sunk down to the floor, glancing over at the sofa a few mere feet away but feeling like it was a mountainous distance. He rested Luke’s head in his hand. “Because right now, I am looking at something that I really can’t think of a good explanation for.”
“It just happened.” Tom whispered, tightly. “I… I didn’t mean to - I was just - it’s the first time in years, Luke.” the hoarseness sounded strange in Luke’s voice, and he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to hearing his own tone in someone else’s voice. How much accent was trained and how much was learned; his own voice with a touch of an Essex accent was also immensely weird. “I didn’t want you all to keep getting pulled into my head because my anxiety was out of control and I am - I am -” he stuttered out, clenched his jaw, took a breath, “I am really tired.” he said, and drooped. A few moments of silence, and he would’ve thought the line had died if it wasn’t for his own breathing echoing down to him.
“Tom…” Luke said, slowly. “Okay. Well… alright. But… cutting? Really?” and his voice had shifted from judgement to a low warm concern that was familiar even with own voice saying it. “Tom, man… why didn’t you say anything before it got to this point?”
“I didn’t… it wasn’t thought out. I just wanted to be calm enough to stop us all from changing around. The pain is… it’s calming.” he swallowed hard. “It makes me feel grounded, it makes me… it gives me something to focus on. And I felt awful the second I’d done it, all I could think about was how badly I’d fucked up and next thing -”
“Next thing we swapped places.” Luke said, softly, and sighed. “Right, I’m throwing all of this away.”
“Be careful,” he said, immediately, “Those blades look flimsy but they’re really sharp.”
“Don’t worry, I know.” Luke responded, and Tom kept his eyes closed, listening to the shuffling of things being cleaned and moved. He wasn’t sure if Luke would bother to be careful, to hide it, but it didn’t matter - Luke knew, so the others would know, so it would get back to Pip.
“Do I need to do anything with these, Tom?” Luke asked, soft, “Do I need to clean them or - is there anything I need to know?”
“Just wash them with cool water,” he mumbled, “They’ll seal over. Just uh - it stings. Be aware of that.” he cleared Luke’s throat, biting his lip. “It can catch you off guard if you’re not used to it.”
There was a pang in his chest. A familiar feeling, but one that surged nausea into the back of his throat, but he absolutely could not throw up, because then Luke would have to deal with the echoes of that and that wasn’t fair. But he was jealous, he was envious that Luke would get to feel that sting and he wouldn’t, and once the wounds were sealed they wouldn’t hurt nearly as badly which would mean their calming effect was gone and -
“Tom, that tug,” he said, quietly, “Was that when you were hurting yourself?”
“I’m not sure,” he mumbled, “I didn’t watch the time, but I guess it could have been. I was, um, I wanted to calm down so - I mean, I figured it was because I got control of the swap.” he rubbed his fingertips over his eyes, a few loose strands of long hair falling into his face. He wasn’t sure how Luke tolerated letting it grow out so much, but it felt deeply uncomfortable, the way it touched his skin constantly, tickling against the flesh.
“I think Sam was right.” Luke said. “Your brain was trying to stop you, so it was trying to grab us all at the same time, but we bounced out again.”
“No, that… no, that doesn’t make sense.” he mumbled. “It’s caused by stress, right? I got control of the stress, I got control of the anxiety so -”
“Is that really what happened, though?” there was a clink, like a mug being moved. “Because I don’t think it was, Tom. You said you were… tired, right?”
“Mhm.” he mumbled. “I mean, I didn’t get much sleep. Maybe that’s why I’ve been swapping so much?”
“No.” Luke sighed down the phone, the sound gusty from his big lungs, “Wow, it’s weird being so high up. I always forget how tall you are. No, I know how you said it. You’re overworking yourself, aren’t you? Finding it hard to switch your brain off again?”
“Are you making tea?” Tom interrupted, hearing the burble of the kettle.
“Your body is thirsty, alright?” Luke objected, “And, I don’t know, tea tastes better in you. I think you must have different sensitivities to me.”
“But you like tea?”
“I do like tea.” Luke agreed. “Stop changing the subject.”
Tom opened his eyes a crack, looking at the desert tile and the nice cooling effects that were unnecessary in gloomy London. He did like Luke’s home, the few times he managed to make his way over to Spain… although usually Luke was putting AJ up, and Tom would be in a hotel. By himself.
(He didn’t mind a hotel. He’d found he really hated being by himself, though.)
“Sam and you swapped at four in the morning.” Luke was stating. “You sent everyone into musical bodies yesterday because you had a panic attack, but you haven’t told any of us what triggered it.”
“I don’t know what -”
“You’re lying to me again.” and Luke was so matter of fact about it, sans judgement but stating it like it was obvious. “You know you don’t have to do that, right? You can tell me, you can tell us. Look, if we’re close enough friends that we’ve started spending time literally in each other’s heads -”
“That’s not how this works, Luke.” he mumbled.
“We don’t know how this works! The only reason we haven’t told people is because they’d think we were crazy, right?” Luke pointed out, “So nobody knows what causes this.”
“Alright, fair point.” he tilted his head back against the cabinets.
“It’s okay to let us in.” Luke said, softer. “And I think we… probably need to check the group chat.”
“Oh, shit.” he scrambled to drag out Luke’s phone, staring back over the messages, the increasing alarm that had followed behind the rather ominous last message that had come from his own number.
He scanned down to the most recent handful.
samruss: Who am I meant to be calling right now?
alexanderjeremy: yeah I have no idea whats going on
alexanderjeremy: luke you aren’t in the county are you?
samruss: I called Tom there was no answer
samruss: Tom’s phone. I called his phone.
alexanderjeremy: no answer from Luke. Maybe they’re talking to each other?
samruss: why are you guys phoning instead of talking here?
tommayowoodman: sorry guys didn’t mean to scare you
tommayowoodman: swapped in at a bad moment
alexanderjeremy: bad moment?
samruss: are you both okay?
lukefromessex: I’m fine. Nice and warm out here :)
samruss: okay, maybe slightly jealous of that.
tomwoodmanmayo: we need to do a zoom meeting later.
tomwoodmanmayo: because I need to be there for it.
samruss: what’s going on?
tomwoodmanmayo: not my place to say.
“Oh, fuck you.” he muttered.
“I heard that.”
“You’re forcing my hand, Luke, it’s not fair.”
“Would you have done it otherwise?”
“You guys have to stop using that against me.” he grimaced. “It’s not right.”
“I know.” Luke admitted, soft. “But you built the playbook, Tom. I’m only using your rules. We have to force you. And, look; you feel better, don’t you? Knowing we all have your back? Christ, we love you. So much. I just wish you could make your brain understand that.”
“Me too.” he agreed, even if his voice was very quiet, trying to come to terms with the low ferocity with which he’d just said those words. It was more than fact, it was one that he was willing to go to war over, and even if it was jarring to hear his own voice saying those things… “Luke, I am sorry. The moment I did it, I felt so ashamed, so much regret. I just… the urge was so strong.”
“And that’s probably what triggered a swap strong enough to pull me from Spain.” Luke sighed down the phone.
“Look, Tom, I know… I know this is hard. I know you’ve always struggled with letting us in or, fuck, even seeing when your brain is starting to backslide. I’m not mad at you. The others won’t be, either.”
“Sam will.” he muttered, churlishly.
“No. Sam will yell, but it’s because he’s scared, not because he’s mad, Tom. I don’t know if I can make you understand how it feels from the other side, just…” he sighed gustily down the line, making good use of Tom’s big lungs. “And the panic attack?” he prompted. Damnit.
“I was… sitting on my bed.” Tom mumbled. “Thinking about what I needed to do. Then it got too much and I was - I was just -” he broke off into a rough laugh, rubbing at Luke’s eyes as he sniffed. “It was just the idea of getting up and having a shower! That was all it was! But there’s so much to do that I’m not doing and, God, I can’t be wasting time with this I need to -”
“You don’t need to anything, Tom.” Luke said, incredibly softly down the phone. Wow, he’d barely realised his voice could drop that deep. “We have your back. Any of us will help. AJ knows what he’s doing, and I’ve seen your spreadsheets.”
“But this is my job, and if I can’t even go take a shower -”
“You got overloaded. It’s fine. It’s part of the ADHD, Tom, remember?” he could hear Luke moving around again, the sip of tea.
“You just need to let us in.”
“Well, you’re in now.” Tom said, dryly. “Literally, in this case.”
And Luke snorted a laugh in a way that was very much him and there was that sensation of strangeness going on, hearing Luke’s noise from his own nose… he lowered the phone and flicked it onto speakers, reading back the chat.
samruss: whatever’s going on we want to know
alexanderjeremy: is everyone okay???
lukefromessex: I relapsed.
lukefromessex: Tom. I, Tom, I relapsed.
samruss: oh shit.
lukefromessex: I was just trying to get ahold of the panic and the swapping and I didn’t think it through
lukefromessex: think that’s what yanked Luke into me
samruss: jesus fucking christ, Tom.
alexanderjeremy: are you okay though?
tomwoodmanmayo: it was very mild dw
tomwoodmanmayo: easy enough to clean up.
lukefromessex: I’m really sorry, honestly, I am. This isn’t a trend or an ongoing thing. It was once; I’m not suicidal; I’m managing, I swear to god.
samruss: doesn’t sound like it.
alexanderjeremy: Sam.
tomwoodmanmayo: we’ll talk about it when we’re back in ourselves okay? Do a call.
lukefromessex: yeah that sounds good.
alexanderjeremy: no you’re all coming to mine.
lukefromessex: but your flat is tiny??
alexanderjeremy: ah ffs
samruss: that was very jarring. You good sam?
lukefromessex: oh my god I’m so sorry.
tomwoodmanmayo: here we go again, then. Just - everyone relax. Go get a drink with your respective bodies. We’ll talk in a bit, okay?
lukefromessex: role call?
lukefromessex: Tom
tomwoodmanmayo: Luke
samruss: AJ
alexanderjeremy: Sam
lukefromessex: straight swaps then. Sorry guys. Didn’t mean to set this all off again.
tomwoodmanmayo: stop blaming yourself. Sam is that offer still open?
alexanderjeremy: yeah. Jay’s been talking about it anyway. Everyone who can is coming over.
tomwoodmanmayo: sounds like a good plan.
-
The screen in front of him flashed to a lobby. In his chair, Tom fidgeted. Pip was due home from work in an hour. He had managed to take a shower; he had eaten some lunch, due, in part, to the fact that someone who had been in his body had gone ahead and meal prepped him two containers in the fridge. It was just simple stuff, but with the barrier of having to make it being gone, it hadn’t been too hard to microwave it and sit down with it and a cup of tea. Everything felt more… functional, now. It seemed more of an AJ thing to do than Luke but he really wasn’t sure how AJ could have done it in the time he’d had in Tom’s body and it sure as hell wasn’t Pip so…
The others had given him strict orders not to touch his work. The anxiety was still hanging overhead, but he’d cleaned his arm thoroughly in the shower, taken his time, read a little bit of a book and mostly… just kinda… pottered around, working through his breathing exercises. Snapping back into himself had been less jarring than he’d expected - on the phone with Luke, talking quietly about nothing much, Luke had gotten him to sit by the window and started pointing out little details about the view. It was nice; grounding, honestly, and he’d found himself relaxed and then - staring out of a window in London instead. Luke had confirmed he was back in himself, and the relief, God…
He had harboured a low fear he hadn’t given name to - that he might be stuck in Luke, because of how great the distance was and how rarely he swapped.
Being back in himself, feeling his own body again, he’d stretched out his long limbs and moved stiffly from the window. Then they’d all agreed to this in a few hours, and, well, now, here he was. Everyone was back in themselves as the little windows on the Zoom call started to pop up in earnest and he was looking at three concerned but smiling faces. They’d agreed to do this call first, and then he’d be making his way over to Sam’s house, and although he still felt very tired, he knew they were right. He would feel better with some company, some pizza and some games. Just… being friends, rather than working. First of all, though…
“Heyyyy.” Luke grinned, and he mimicked, and they all greeted one another. Luke, apparently determined not to let anything fester, sat back in his chair slightly. “So, let’s, uh, let’s kick this all off. Tom relapsed.”
“Yeah.” he mumbled, shoulders drooping. “I did, yeah.”
“So we know that a significant enough emotional spike can pull me over from Spain.” Luke continued, frowning, “Which is interesting, because I didn’t think the link was that strong, but… here we are.”
“I don’t know why my brain pulled you in.” Tom admitted, shaking his head.
“We don’t know if that’s how it works.” AJ said, “It might be that Luke pulled himself into you, feeling the distress.”
“I don’t know,” Sam frowned, “That doesn’t seem… I think it’s more likely it’s our minds trying to get out than anything else? Trying to protect themselves or something…”
“God only knows.” Tom sighed, “But I’m fine. Honestly, I am. No urges or anything, it was just - in the moment, I got overwhelmed, and I wanted to ground myself. After the panic attack, and, God, I am so sorry you all got to experience that -”
“It’s fine, Tom.” AJ said, and his voice was very gentle, “I mean, it was almost a good thing. Getting to experience it. No, don’t make that face at me. I obviously started calming down quite quickly but when I was pulled into you, I felt it. All the pain, and the panic, and God, it’s overwhelming, right?” he said, shaking his head slowly. “I never really got it. I mean, I knew it - I knew it would be bad. I’ve seen you in that state. I didn’t realise how much it hurt.”
“Have you never had a panic attack before?” Tom asked, slowly. He hadn’t thought there was anyone in the world who got to their mid thirties without one, but AJ shook his head slightly.
“Not like that, at least. I mean, I’ve gotten panicky and I’ve had some stage fright and stuff, but not… like you can’t breathe.”
“The anxiety makes it hard to…” he gestured vaguely at his chest. “Yeah. It does… it does hurt. The physical symptoms are very real, it’s not just… in your head.”
“Never thought it was.” AJ said, quickly, “But hearing about them and feeling them is different.”
“You’ve really never had a panic attack?” Luke asked, brows raising. “Even I have. Back at uni near our final exams and I nearly lost my mind over my dissertation.”
“I remember that.” Sam said, blowing out a cloud of vape. “I had no idea what to do or how to help, back then. Better at it now.” his eyes flickered over the screen and Tom knew he was looking at him, remembering how often they’d had to calm him down from them. Part of the ADHD, like Luke had said. Made regulating hard in so many ways.
“So the relapse?” Sam prompted, voice gentle..
“Ah, yeah.” Tom grimaced. “I got it into my head that, I mean, well, obviously I was the reason everyone’s getting thrown into each other’s heads, right? We - there’s no point disputing that, we all know it was because of the panic attack. And the only - the only way I know - the only thing that always breaks me out of it -”
“Is harming.” Luke finished, voice very soft. Tom nodded, closing his eyes and taking a slow breath.
“I’m not proud of that. I know it’s not a - good coping mechanism. But that’s what it is, it’s just - just, um -”
“Maladaptive?” Luke suggestion.
“That’s the word.” Tom nodded. “So I’m trying not to go to it as my first response but it is… it’s hard not to. It feels like the easy way out.”
There was a long pause, the others clearly thinking over what he’d said.
“Do we need to be worried about this?” Sam asked, after a few moments.
“No! No, no, it’s - honestly, I swear to God, it was a one off.” Tom held up his hands in surrender. “Just a few lines, barely anything, barely even bled, just - and it didn’t work.” he added.
“It very much did not work.” Luke agreed, quietly. “So we know it’s no good against the swaps.”
“Mmhm.” Tom nodded, worrying at his lip with his teeth, fingers fidgeting on the table and very much not enjoying being in the hot seat. Acting on a stage felt like the easiest thing in the world, especially compared to - this.
“Alright.” Sam sighed. “So, this isn’t a work call. That’s the rule, tonight. But, just uh - tomorrow, Tom, we’re going to come to yours. This isn’t an argument, you don’t get a say. Sorry.” he cut off the objection. “AJ’s going to bring his laptop and we are going to help you. You can show us your system, whatever you need to do, but you’re not doing the work just by yourself. We’re a team, okay?”
“Sorry I can’t be there.” Luke said, softly.
“Don’t worry,” AJ said, bright, “I’ll just give Tom a crisis and then you can come visit!”
“But the point is to help Tom with the work, what use is that if he’s in Spain?”
“Ah, shit, didn’t think of that.” AJ sighed, and then suddenly he was laughing, and Tom couldn’t help but join in, feeling a considerable lightness in his limbs as the sound burst from his chest.
“Right,” Sam said, business again, “Text me your pizza orders, and I’ll see you in an hour.” and then his call disconnected. AJ waved goodbye and went too, and then it was just him and Luke.
“You feeling okay?” he asked, softly, brows drawing in. Tom nodded, tiredly.
“Doing a lot better now.” he said. “That… helped. I am really tired though.” he sighed softly. “Definitely going to have to try to avoid the 4am swaps…”
“Maybe when you’re feeling a bit better the insomnia will ease off a bit?”
“How did you -”
“It’s pretty clear, Tom. It’s okay. Not your fault.” Luke shook his head. “I’m sorry I can’t actually be there, you know.”
“I don’t need you to take care of me.”
“But I want to.” Luke pointed out. “And, uh… I saw the top shelf of the cabinet.”
“You - what?”
“Never seen up there before when I’ve been staying, y’know, above my eye level. Above Pip’s, I’m assuming?” his heart was thumping against his ribs now. He swallowed, mouth dry. “When did you start stockpiling again, Tom?”
“I - uh.” he swallowed hard against the rubbery coating in the back of his throat. “I’m not -”
“C’mon, man. You just told us we don’t have to worry about you.”
“You don’t! You don’t, it’s not - I’m not stockpiling, it’s just extra storage -”
“I’ve known you long enough, Tom. Please just - don’t lie to me right now. I swear to God, I’m not going to tell anyone else, but I need to know.”
“... about a year, I guess? I just - started buying them every time I went to the shop and - putting them up there. I wasn’t - I’m not going to use them. I swear to you, Luke, I’m not suicidal right now. I’m not.”
“I believe you.” Luke whispered. “I do. Just - be careful. Okay?”
“I will. I promise.” he responded, and then Luke nodded and logged off. Leaving the lobby himself, Tom stood slowly, walking into the kitchen. He opened the mug cabinet, looking at the narrow shelf above it; too high to be useful to anyone but him. And there, the neatly aligned packets of paracetamol - and a few of codeine, stronger meds tucked towards the back, but he knew they were there. He had no intention of using them. Of course he didn’t. But knowing he had the choice… made him feel just a little bit better.
He took a mug, shut the door firmly, and flipped on the kettle. Cup of tea, then he’d make his way over to Sam’s. He rubbed a thumb over the injuries on his wrist, causing them to sting. Took a deep breath. The hot water burbled and fizzled as it filled the mug, finding comfort in the familiarity. All the motions familiar; milk, sugar, stirring, removing the tea bag. Leaning his hips back against the counter, he took a moment… and then reached out to snag a bin bag from the hook on the side, turning back around and throwing the cupboard door open again. He placed the mug down on the counter, and reached up towards those tempting blue packets.