Archive of Our Own ^beta

Every night, when he falls asleep, Technoblade has nightmares.

He’s had bad dreams for a long time- ever since he and his mom had to run away from his dad. But then his mom left, too, and now it’s just Techno.

He lives in a house with a lot of other children. Ana, his social worker, says he has to stay here, because no one wants him. No one wants to take care of him.

His bad dreams turned into true nightmares the first time he slept here.

Techno used to dream about his father. Angry, loud, harsh. Hitting his mom- hitting Techno. Yelling, hitting, ruining their lives. He used to dream about the night they ran away, the blood running down his mother’s face and the way he had to leave all his things behind.

The nightmares are different.

The first night, Techno dreamed about a man with no face- with a face like dripping candle wax- wearing a huge jacket and a kind of hat like a fisherman wears, drenched in water. He dreamed he was in a boat, on a rolling ocean, in the dark with the strange man. He dreamed he was trapped in a tiny cage in a giant room that swayed like a sailing ship, curled up and hiding from a figure with skin sloughing off its skull and long long long arms.

He couldn’t wake up. He couldn’t wake up until those long arms and searching fingers found the bars of his cage, tugging it scraping across the floor. He woke up gasping for breath, tangled in the sheets, with the kid in the next bed laughing at him.

Every night since, Techno has had horrible nightmares. Vivid things, that seem to last far, far longer than the hours he sleeps. He’s always trapped in dark places; always alone. Always chased by monsters, gigantic deformed things that reach for him, laughing and gibbering and screaming. Always, always, always reaching.

Maybe, he thinks, as he braids his hair one morning, maybe Ana is right. No one wants me. I’m a bad kid.

~~~

Darkness.

It always starts in the darkness.

There are eyes. Gigantic eyes all around, watching him. He curls up tight, trying to hide, trying to get away-

He is in a tall room full of pictures, so tall he feels tiny. He has a little lighter in his hands, the metal cool and shiny, dented in a couple places. He flicks it on, basking in the yellowish glow of the little flame, feeling a little- just a little bit safer.

He can’t stay here.

He doesn’t know why he knows that, but he does. He can’t stay here. He has to leave.

He gets up, pattering across the cobbles and through the puddles on bare feet, clutching the lighter in one fist. There’s a door- the handle is up too high to reach, but if he jumped for it-

There’s a little tunnel near the door, just the height for him to crawl through. He does so, the metal cold and hard under his hands and knees.

The tunnel leads him out into a kind of street, with towering buildings curving towards the canyon carved down the middle of the street. Fog lays thickly across the place, barely broken by the dim bluish light of the streetlamps.

He shivers. Flicks the lighter back on for a second, taking a second to try to enjoy the sharp heat and bright flame.

There’s nothing to do but walk.

The stones are cold. His feet hurt.

He keeps walking.

The street stretches out into infinity. The cold strikes through him, and he clutches the lighter as though it could keep him warm. Everything is eerily quiet, except for an even eerier sound of wind howling down the canyon.

He keeps walking.

Kkk-kkk-kkk.

He freezes, turning slowly towards the source of the sound.

He’s seen this creature before.

The Spider has long, long arms and legs; long and spindly, with too many knees and elbows. It clicks and chitters as it crawls along the walls of an alley towards him, head spinning all the way around as it watches him with too many eyes.

He spins around and starts running.

The Spider follows him- and he knew it would. He knows he doesn’t have any chance but to keep running.

He knows, before he reaches it, that there is a wider part of the canyon. That there’s a couple of boards on either side, bridging the gap enough for him to jump across and push the board back into the canyon.

It won’t stop the Spider.

It’s his only chance.

There’s no time to think. He runs, and jumps, flinging himself across the gap. Scrambles onto the street and shoves the board as hard as he can.

Sprints into the nearest darkest space, a small crate just the size for him to hide inside.

The Spider screeches, and he watches it scuttle into the alley, clicking and calling. He stays perfectly silent, holding his breath, tucking his body into the darkness, into the splintery side of the crate.

And then the Spider screeches again, and scuttles away down the street.

He lets out his breath with a soft whimpering sound, scrubbing his arm over his face. He- he has to keep going. He has to keep walking, until…

He patters down the alley, clutching his little lighter.

~~~

Techno wakes up in a cold sweat, his head throbbing and his heart pounding. Pounding, pounding-

Oh- oh, that’s someone- knocking on the door.

He gets up slowly, wobbling on unsteady legs. Opens the door to see Ana, scowling and tapping her foot.

“You have a placement,” she says, without preamble. “Get your things.”

Techno’s head hurts too much to ask questions. He gets the black trash bag full of secondhand clothes his social worker gave him from a donation bin and follows Ana to her car.

He’s always gotten carsick, so he closes his eyes and tries to pretend his head doesn’t hurt.

Ana practically pushes him out of the car. Techno doesn’t really bother looking at the house- it’s probably going to be bad, because everywhere he’s been in his whole life has been bad.

He pays attention during the introductions, just enough to process that the man’s name is Phil, and his wife who isn’t here is Kristin, and they’re going to be taking care of Techno for a while now. Mostly, though, he just tries to concentrate on the fact that his headache is finally going away.

Techno can’t really find it in himself to be scared of Phil, not with the things that happen in his dreams every night.

“So, Techno, I hear this is your first proper placement?” Kristin asks quietly.

Techno nods, keeping his gaze on the table.

“Were you in the group home for a while?”

“Uh-huh.” Techno doesn’t remember how long. It can’t have been very long, but the nightmares have been so bad that he can’t really keep track of time.

Phil smiles, kind of thin and strained. “Ah, your worker didn’t really say much,” he says. “Which school do you go to, mate?”

Techno shrugs, looking back at the table.

“That’s- okay.” Phil sighs. “It’s- no, it’s fine, we can figure it out. You- you do go to school, right?”

Techno doesn’t look up. He doesn’t answer, either.

His parents never sent him to school. Ana didn’t seem to care, either. It- it’s not like Techno doesn’t know how to do things, either- he can read, and write, and everything.

“Okay.” Phil sighs harshly. Techno flinches slightly, but- but nothing Phil or Kristin can do to him can be worse than the nightmares. “Kristin, can- would you please take care of calling his worker about that, I don’t know if I can be civil to the woman.”

“Of course. Techno, are you feeling all right?”

He flinches. “Y-yeah- why?”

“You haven’t touched your dinner,” she says gently. “It’s alright if you don’t want to eat, you don’t have to, but is there maybe something you like better that I could get you?”

Techno shakes his head. He’s too nauseous to eat. His head aches too badly, and he’s too anxious about what will happen when he falls asleep tonight.

…if he falls asleep tonight.

He- he could just stay awake, right? If he doesn’t fall asleep, then he can’t have any nightmares. He can’t go back there.

“M’just not hungry,” he mutters. “It’s fine.”

Techno goes to his room that night, tired but determined not to sleep.

It’s a nice bed, which is really disappointing. He’s never laid on a mattress that soft.

But he can’t lay down. He can’t sleep. He can’t sleep, because if he does, he’ll have another nightmare. He’ll go back to that place.

He sits up against the wall, bare feet on the cold floorboards, spine curved against the hard wall. He almost feels like he’s in there again, and he almost reaches for the lighter before he remembers it’s not there. Not while he’s here. In- in the real world.

If this is real.

The other place feels more real than this sometimes… maybe a lot of the time. Every night the nightmares last a little longer and are harder to wake up from. Every morning his head hurts a little worse.

There’s something wrong, he just knows there is.

He got sick a while ago. A lot of kids in the neighborhood did, but then Ruth went away for a while. And then they gave all the kids a shot with medicine that was supposed to cure them, and it did.

But Techno doesn’t think he got better.

He keeps almost drifting off, and jerking himself back awake. He can’t sleep. He can’t afford to sleep.

He will not go back.

When the sun finally rises, Techno is exhausted and his head aches, but he didn’t fall asleep. He didn’t go back to the nightmare place.

He shuffles down the hall when he hears voices and dishes clattering. Phil and Kristin are both in the kitchen, and they look up when Techno accidentally steps on a creaky floorboard.

“Oh!” Kristin jumps slightly, but she smiles. “Good morning, Techno. I hope we didn’t wake you up.”

He shakes his head. He doesn’t feel better, but he didn’t sleep. He didn’t have to sleep.

“Did you sleep okay?” Phil smiles, too, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

Techno shrugs. He sits down in the same chair he sat in last night, staring at the table.

“So, we talked to your worker this morning,” Phil says. “She hasn’t gotten you enrolled in a school yet, but she’s working on it. So today it’ll just be you and me at home. Do- do you need to go shopping? Get clothes or anything?”

Techno shakes his head. He’s got enough clothes. It’s fine. He doesn’t need anything.

“Okay, well, just let me know if you need anything. Or want anything. Okay? You can even just- just hang out in your room today, if you want.”

Techno goes two whole nights without sleeping before he realizes it’s getting harder and harder to stay awake.

He wobbles when he walks. He’s dizzy, he thinks he’s imagining things. He keeps zoning out for a couple of seconds at a time- sometimes he keeps walking, not knowing where he’s going. Sometimes he loses time when Phil or Kristin is talking to him, and they look so worried when he’s back.

This is bad. Techno knows it’s bad. He can’t sleep. He can’t sleep.

~~~

Eyes. Eyes everywhere.

He clutches his lighter to his chest, curling up and pressing his face into his knees. Sobbing.

He doesn’t want to be here. Please, please, he can’t be here.

Click, click, click.

No. No, no, no, no, no-

It’s not the Spider.

It’s a tall, tall woman. She’s wearing a long, shapeless robe; a featureless white mask over her face.

She hasn’t seen him yet. He scrambles back into a corner, hand bumping a little handle.

He glances at the vent cover. Desperation and terror win out over the sick feeling in his belly, and he grabs the handle, pulling as hard as he can.

The cover opens with a clang. The woman screeches, but he’s flinging himself into the vent, crawling as fast as he can. She can’t reach him. She can’t reach him.

He crawls away until he pops out of another vent, dropping into a pile of- of-

…shoes?

There’s no time to think. He runs, because he can hear her. He can still hear her screeching and screaming behind him, and he runs, just runs and runs and runs as fast as he can.

Through a door. And another door. And the next and the next and the next, sliding under a table and scrambling into another vent.

Please. Please, please, he just wants to wake up. He wants to wake up. He needs to wake up.

He runs and runs and runs and runs until his chest feels as though it’ll burst but he doesn’t wake up. He can’t wake up. He wants to wake up, please, please, please-

~~~

“-chno. TECHNO!”

Techno screams, scrambling away from the hands. He can’t- he can’t let her get him, she’s going to get him, please, please, no-

“Techno, hey, are you-”

“Please,” he gasps, even though he could never speak in there. “Please no, please, please, please-”

“Okay. Okay, hey, not touching you. I’m not touching you mate. Can- can you try to breathe for me? Please?”

Techno shakes his head. He’s not holding his lighter. Where’s his lighter, he needs it, he needs it-

“Techno, mate, please breathe-”

“I can’t,” he gasps. “Please I can’t she’s coming she’ll get me-”

“Who? Who’s coming, Techno?”

“The lady. Sh- she has the eyes, they’re watching, always watching me-”

“Techno- Technoblade, mate, no one is watching you. You’re safe, okay? Please, please just try to breathe.”

It’s confusing- it’s so confusing, it doesn’t make sense. He- he doesn’t know where he is. Because if he was in there- nobody has voices in there. He doesn’t have a voice in there.

And- and his lighter is missing. Where’s his lighter?

Why does his head hurt so much?

“I- I don’ understand what’s happening,” he whimpers before he can stop himself.

“You-” Someone- Phil? Is- that sounds like Phil- takes a harsh, shaky breath. “You wouldn’t wake up,” he says. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to grab you, but you- you wouldn’t wake up, mate.”

He blinks, and he-

He’s in his room. In Phil and Kristin’s house.

His head hurts so bad.

“P-please,” he whispers. “Please, I feel so bad.”

“Can-” Phil pauses. He looks uncomfortable. “Can I take you to the living room, mate?”

Techno nods, sobbing into his hands. Phil-

Phil picks him up.

Techno can’t move, but Phil doesn’t hurt him. Phil just carries him into the living room and puts him down on the couch, then goes into the kitchen for a few minutes and brings him a mug of something steaming that smells sweet.

“Small sips,” Phil says gently, placing the mug in Techno’s hands.

He stares at the dark brown liquid. He feels too sick to try to drink it.

“I don’t feel good,” he whispers.

Phil takes a deep breath. “What feels bad, Tech?” he asks gently.

“M-my head. It hurts so bad.” Techno blinks hard, trying not to cry. “And- and I feel sick. M’sorry.”

“No, it’s-” Phil pauses, before gently taking the mug out of his hands. “I’m sorry. I should’ve asked if you… sorry.”

Techno sniffles, tucking his hands against his chest.

“Mate, do you… do you feel bad like this a lot?”

He nods. “I didn’t use to,” he whispers. “Before my mom left. I just had bad dreams then. But now I go to the place where I have nightmares.”

“How… how are your nightmares different from bad dreams?”

“The bad dreams were just about my mom and dad,” he whispers. “They were scary, but I knew they couldn’t hurt me. The- the nightmares are different. The nightmares are real. I can’t wake up. I go to the bad place and I can’t wake up no matter how hard I try.”

Phil exhales quietly. “I’m sorry, mate, that sounds really scary.”

“I-” Techno glances up at him. He doesn’t want to- doesn’t think he should say it. “I think there’s something in my head,” he whispers. “It hurts so bad. I- I had the sickness all the other kids did, and they gave us the medicine and we all got better, but I- I don’t feel like I did.”

“Okay, that’s…” Phil pauses. “I think we should go to the hospital and get you checked out, Techno. Is… would that be okay?”

He’s too tired and scared and sick to do anything but nod.

Two hours later, Techno is laying on a hard bed in a big white hospital room, and Phil is holding his hand while a doctor tells them Techno has a tumor in his brain.

Techno doesn’t completely understand what that means, but Phil goes pale.

“How- how bad?” he asks.

The doctor looks very serious. “It needs to be removed at once. I’m arranging for Techno to have surgery in a couple of hours- with your consent?”

“I-” Phil shakes his head slightly. “I’m the foster dad, I don’t think I can-”

“This is an emergency case. You’re allowed to consent to treatment- if his worker gives you trouble, the hospital’s legal team will handle matters, everything is quite clear.” The doctor clasps his hands in front of him. “Would you like me to explain the procedure?”

Phil nods. Techno doesn’t really listen- a lot of it doesn’t make sense.

It’s scary, though. There’s something in his brain that- that’s hurting him. Enough that he needs a surgery. And it- it could be dangerous.

He tugs on Phil’s sleeve, interrupting them. Phil turns to look at him, his face softening. “Yeah, mate, what’s wrong?”

“Will- will it stop the nightmares?” he whispers.

Because Techno’s head never hurt before he had the nightmares. And if it’s in his head, then maybe that’s why he has the nightmares.

Phil looks at the doctor, who nods slightly. “It’s possible that a tumor in that part of the brain could- could cause hallucinations like Techno described. Removing it would make them stop.”

“I want the nightmares to stop.” Tears slide down Techno’s face and he can’t stop them. “Please, I just want them to stop.”

Phil doesn’t look worried anymore. He squeezes Techno’s hand, looking at the doctor again.

“Do the surgery,” he says.

When Techno wakes up, Kristin is sitting there, holding his hand.

She gasps softly, squeezing his hand. “Oh hi, hi honey. How are you feeling?”

Techno blinks at her, confused. He… he doesn’t…

“You’re in hospital,” she says. “You’ve just had surgery, but the doctors say you’re doing very well.”

He didn’t have a nightmare.

“I didn’t go back,” Techno says, tongue thick and stumbling. “I- I slept an’ I didn’ go back.”

Kristin just nods. “Phil told me,” she says quietly. “No nightmares, then?”

Techno tries to shake his head, but he can’t move it. Kristin squeezes his hand gently when his face scrunches up.

“You can’t move your head just yet, honey,” she says gently. “You’ve just had surgery. I’m afraid they had to shave your hair.”

“I jus’ want the nightmares to stop,” Techno whimpers. “Th-they’ll stop now, right? They’ll stop?”

Kristin looks so sad. “I think they will,” she says softly. “I hope so.”

He sniffles, squeezing her hand. “I- I hope I can stay with you,” he whispers. “You an’ Phil are so nice to me.”

“Oh, sweetheart.” Kristin wipes her eyes with her free hand, then grabs a tissue and wipes Techno’s face, so gently. “I hope so, too.”

The night after they let him go home, Phil carries Techno to bed and gently sets him down, tucking him in carefully.

Techno clings to Phil’s hand when the man tries to move away. “Don’t go,” he whimpers. “Please, I don’t wanna be alone.”

“Okay, mate.” Phil sits down on the side of the bed, gently squeezing Techno’s hand.

“S-sorry,” he whispers. He’s too old to be clinging to people. “I jus’- I don’t wanna have another nightmare.”

Phil takes a deep breath, looking at the wall for a minute. “I- I really think we’re done with all that now, mate,” he says after a second. “But I’ll be here anyway. You’re safe.”

“…all night?” Techno whispers, glancing up at Phil’s face.

“Yeah, if you want me to. All night. And look what we got you.” Phil leans over, turning off the light. Techno’s panic spikes for a second, but then…

It’s… not dark. There’s a little glowing light over on the opposite wall, casting little twinkling stars on the ceiling.

“What is it?” he asks, glancing at Phil again.

“It’s a nightlight,” Phil says, after his face does that funny twisty thing again. “You said it was dark in your nightmares, so we thought you might like this.”

Techno blinks at it. It’s not at all like his lighter, but it makes him feel a little bit the same way- safer, less scared. “I do.”

“Good, that’s good.” Phil gently smooths his hand over Techno’s head, stopping before he touches the stitches. “You feeling sleepy?”

Techno sniffles. “I don’t wanna sleep. I don’t wanna go back there.”

“I’ll be right here to pull you back,” Phil says. “Yeah? If you go back, I’m right here, so I’ll know. And I’ll bring you back.”

“O-oh.” Techno feels shaky. “C-can you… sometimes my mom, she would lay in bed with me and hold me when I felt really really bad.”

Phil shakes his head a bit. “I’m sorry, Techno, I’m not allowed to do that. But I can bring the rocking chair in and sit with you, if you’d like that?”

Techno sniffles, glancing away. “’kay.”

“I’ll go get that. I will be back in a couple of minutes, okay? I will be right back, Techno.”

“’kay,” he breathes.

He- he doesn’t know if he really believes Phil or not, but in just a few minutes, there he is- dragging the glider rocking chair from the living room through the door, pulling it up beside Techno’s bed.

“Kristin found this for you,” he says, placing a big white stuffed dog on the bed beside Techno. It’s warm, when he pulls it closer. “We thought that might help?”

It’s not like hugging his mom and having her hug him, but it’s warm. And soft. Techno nods a little, wrapping his arms around the dog. “What’s his name?” he whispers.

“He doesn’t have one yet. Would you like to name him?”

Techno blinks at the warm stuffie for a minute. “Apollo. He looks like an Apollo.”

Phil smiles, sitting down in the rocking chair. “Yeah, I guess he does.”

“Can…” Techno hugs Apollo with one arm, not looking at Phil in case he has to say no again. “Can you hold my hand?” he whispers.

“Yeah, mate.” Phil gently takes Techno’s hand, squeezing it a bit. “You can go to sleep, yeah? I’m right here. I’ll be right here.”

“Okay,” he breathes. He’s scared, he’s so scared, he doesn’t want to go back but- but they took the thing out of his head so he shouldn’t have any more nightmares. “Okay. You- you’ll bring me back? If I go?”

“Yeah, Techno, I will.” Phil squeezes his hand again. “You can go to sleep now.

Techno falls asleep, and he doesn’t have one single dream all night.

He doesn’t go back. He doesn’t go to the nightmare place again.

His head doesn’t hurt anymore, he doesn’t feel sick anymore.

It’s finally over.