Chapter Text
April, 1981.
As usual, Sirius had gone out to the muggle London to buy new clothes. It wasn’t weird, they had the best clothing.
James differed, he felt Sirius would be able to find clothes as cool in the diagon alley.
Remus thought both were fine, though Sirius knew he truthfully rathered muggle clothing as well. After all, Remus grew up in the muggle world. Aware of magic, for sure, but in the muggle world.
Peter never seemed as interested in clothing as Sirius, and when asked, he didn’t seem to have a big idea about the differences between styles even.
Other than clothing, he also planned to go buy something for little Harry, his godson.
Sirius couldn’t be more proud of that title. If able to, he’d wear a label to let everyone know it. He was godfather of the cutest child in the world and oh if he would spoil that baby more than he’d already done this past year.
Right now, Sirius could say he had a happy life. Happier than he’d had in years. Sirius had his group of awesome friends, a man who he planned to confess sometime soon and his spoiled godson.
What more could he ask for?
His brother, maybe.
His dead brother. Two years ago.
Said brother he just saw on a bench, peacefully reading. Regulus had always liked to read, since they were young.
It had been a hard time—a really hard time, honestly. It still was, sometimes, but Sirius learnt to handle it. Or more like try to shove any reminder of him to the back of his mind. So why had he just thought of Regulus?
Because he’d seen him at the bench.
Because he
had
seen him.
Sirius’s eyes opened wide, looking at the man on the bench. Black wavy curls over his shoulders, pale skin and the same clear eyes that had looked at him with both love and hatred.
He felt sick. His gut twisted, head spinning as he leaned on a near tree.
What
the
fuck.
No, this couldn’t be right. Surely Sirius was just going crazy, seeing things. It’s not like he hadn’t seen them at some point.
But no. He looked up again, trying to look for something—anything— that told him this wasn’t Regulus, that he was just going crazy. Because this couldn’t be possible.
Instead, that mole under his right eye just made Sirius even more determined to believe this was no more than another foolish nightmare.
A few people had already turned an eye to him. No wonder. Sirius had practically collapsed against the tree with trembling legs before leaning on it.
Regulus hadn’t even looked up, it seemed. Too immersed in whatever book he was reading to focus on anything else.
He shook his head, trying to think straight. Regulus was dead. He had been for two years. Sirius had gotten over it and… who could he lie to? He hadn’t gotten over shit and he had just seen his brother sitting on a bench.
The moment Sirius dared to look in his direction again, the boy had disappeared. If Sirius hadn’t felt like collapsing before, he did now. Where—?
Regulus wasn’t there anymore. Could he really be going crazy?
He felt so sorry for poor sleepless James that had been taking full-time care of Harry now that Lily had gotten sick, but Sirius was so likely to avoid mentioning this as likely as he was to win the Daily Prophet’s grand prize galleon draw.
James was, after all, the one and only person he trusted his life to. Not even Remus knew all the details of his family or his time after Regulus’s as good as James.
Whatever he had gone out to get was totally moved to the side. Whatever he’d gone to buy was at the store, still waiting for him as Sirius walked in the opposite direction.
.
.
.
‘’Look, mate. That’s just… not possible’’ there was a pause, Sirius stared at his best friend with an unreadable expression painted in his face.
‘’Yeah but I saw him, James- same hair, same eyes. For Merlin’s sake, he even had that one stupid mole under his eye. I saw—’’
‘’I know what you saw, Pads. But it’s just your head playing tricks on you. Your brother is… not here anymore, there is no way you have possibly seen him. I know—I know it’s a bad situation, yeah? But we’ve been through this once. I had always wondered if you had really gone over it or—’’
‘’I had seen memories of us, I heard cracks I thought were him- I even thought having listened to his voice, James, but I had not seen him as in—see him! I’m not crazy, James. I…know what I saw, ok?’’ Sirius looked a bit desperate, really trying to get his friend to believe his words. Maybe he’d come to hear James tell him how that was just not possible. Yet, here he was. Trying to convince James of the opposite, like he’d just changed his mind.
The look in James’s eyes was tired. The man was clearly not annoyed with his friend or anything similar, but honestly, James was simply exhausted and in need of rest. This last week taking care of both Lily and Harry all by himself had been hard. He hadn’t got a single hour of sleep that night.
Biting his bottom lip, Sirius looked away, feeling bad and calming down a bit. Fuck, he was really a bad friend, wasn’t he.
‘’I mean, if you’re so sure… Maybe try going back tomorrow? You may see him over there, but really, man… Take care, yeah? If you don’t find him—don’t go crazy over it. I get what you might be feeling but you know how this has affected you in the past and…’’ James really cared about his friend, and currently, he didn’t see a lot of ways to approach this situation.
However, before he’d finished speaking, Sirius had cut him off.
‘’No, no, err. I think you’re right. You may be right, I… Maybe I’m just seeing things. I’m sorry, this is just—damn… I miss him, James. I miss him so much’’ Sirius murmured, taking a long and shaky breath before being embraced by James’s arms, pulling him closer as Sirius let himself sob in his best friend’s shoulder.
‘’I know you do, pads. I know… but it’ll get better with time, yeah? It’ll get better’’
‘’I don’t think it ever will. I won’t stop missing him’’
‘’No, no, that’s for sure. You’ll always miss him, and that’s ok. What I mean is that there’ll be this moment where you’ll think of him and… think of the good things, you know? You’ll think of him and laugh, smile… instead of feeling this way. It’ll really get better with time’’
James was doing his best to help, rubbing circles in Sirius’s back. He had been there when Sirius told him his brother was dead. Honestly, James didn’t think he’d ever seen Sirius as bad as that time. Not even after that stupid ‘prank’ that went horribly wrong, not even the night Sirius appeared at his door.
Nothing like the time he’d lost his brother. And James hadn’t lost anybody, not yet, but the state Sirius was in for a few days after having heard those news had been almost like losing him.
Always trying to do his best and not fully knowing what to do other than giving a shoulder to cry on.
Not much after, Sirius had pulled away startled by Harry’s crying. James was about to move when Sirius put a hand on his shoulder, nodding towards the couch and walking himself to the cradle. Any distraction would be good, even more if that was his so loved godson.
‘’Get some sleep. I’ll take care of him, it’s not like I have anything to do’’ Sirius simply mentions, seeing the doubt in his best friend’s face. He didn’t last to shush him and go get Harry, who after no more than a few seconds in his arms, calmed down and started pulling Sirius’s curls, the man doing his everything not to let out any small complaint and just laughed lowly.
‘’Man, how do you even get him to stop crying so easily? It takes me ages…’’ James always knew what was wrong when Harry cried, but most of the time the kid would keep crying anyways, which is why he had been having such poor sleep.
‘’Oh, that’s just because he loves me more. I’m his best godfather after all, aren’t I’’ he mumbles, smiling a bit and looking at James. The situation at the park was still going through his head, not freaking out was being such hard work. However, he tried. It would do him best.
‘’Pads, you’re his only godfather’’
‘’Exactly’’
‘’I bet he just thinks you’re a woman, cus’ of your hair. He’s always calmer with Lily or my mom’’
That did get a chuckle out of Sirius, looking at James and raising an eyebrow.
‘’Would you rather if I were a woman? Come on, Prongs. Bet Lily wouldn’t mind’’ there was clearly no true intention behind his words but Sirius wouldn’t ever stop flirting with his friend. Both of them knew it meant nothing.
‘’I’m a married man, you see. I figured you’d remember, as you pretty much insisted to let ‘your dog’ carry the rings’’
‘’Ouch, true. How did I even let you marry someone who wasn’t me… you’re lucky I love Lily as much as I love you’’
A smile grew in James’s face, Sirius looked at it and couldn’t keep himself from smiling as well.
‘’Go sleep, James. I’ll take care of Harry. If you stay awake for a few more minutes, I doubt you’ll even be able to stand on your feet’’
Sirius sat in a nearby armchair, Harry in his arms, still pulling his hair. James looked at them for a moment, sighing after acknowledging Sirius may be right. Harry was in good hands, so with that, James simply dozed out on the couch.
‘’You know,’’ Sirius murmurs, looking at the baby, who kept pulling and pulling. The man was sort of used to it, by this point.
‘’I think I should get you a wig instead of a broom at this point. Surely you’ll enjoy it more’’ he chuckled softly, sighing and shaking his head.
At some point, Harry simply looked at him in silence and with his mouth slightly opened. Sirius smiled when the kid did grabby hands towards him, just nodding.
‘’Yeah, yeah, sure. The last time I got you closer to my face, you pinched my nose. I’m not that stupid, little boy. You won’t get me so easily’’
When after a few seconds Harry didn’t achieve anything, he started to cry. Sirius rolled his eyes, looking at his godson like he’d just lost a bet and closing his face to the boy’s, finching a bit when the baby grabbed his nose. Harry’s laugh made it worth it.
It wasn’t long until Harry fell asleep. Sirius merely looked at him, admiring in silence the ugly creature Lily had brought to life. Because—Harry was ugly, babies were ugly. But that didn’t stop him from being precious at the same time. He felt so young to be carrying a baby, but after all, he had started those kinds of things at the mere age of five.
Taking care of a younger one, sort of, made him remember Regulus.
If someone asked, Sirius would always say he had been the one to raise his brother. His parents did nothing but bullshit for them.
That brought him back to the reason why he had gone to see James in the first place, though he found himself calmer when thinking it over.
James was right, there shouldn’t be any possibility of having seen Regulus. After all, Regulus died two years ago. Sirius could give James the reason for this, because he had it. The problem was that Sirius had seen him.
That should not be possible, not at all. But it had happened and Sirius wasn’t in such a bad mental state as to think he had started to see ghosts. He’d go back to the park tomorrow, at the same time.
If he saw that person, Sirius would get close. If not—Sirius would drop it. He’d assume he just confused somebody and stop torturing himself that way for any more time.
Yeah. That seemed like a smart plan. James would likely agree, but he was asleep now.
And maybe Sirius wanted to sleep a bit as well. He wouldn’t, though. He promised James he would take care of Harry, and that’s what he’d do.
Standing up, he went over to the kitchen, carefully carrying Harry on one of his arms as he prepared a nursing bottle for the boy.
The crickets sounded outside the window as he warmed the milk, some birds chirping as well. He wondered if, wherever Regulus was, he’d hear the birds chirp too.