Chapter Text
~~
August 20, 2004
the school counselor says I gotta start keepin this journal. So yea. Um I don't really know how to start this. My name is dean, I guess. Im fifteen next week.
I like cars and Star Wars. I live with my dad and my brother sammy, he's 11.
so I guess that's it for now.
uh. signing off, I guess.
~~
Castiel looks down at the faded old notebook. It has a ninja turtle sticker on the front and,
“PROPERTY OF DEAN W.
DO NOT READ”,
Written in big block letters with marker.
He sets it back in the box it came out of, full of school notebooks and textbooks. He pushes the box away and grabs the next one, which seems to be full of clothes.
There are a surprising amount of boxes up here in this attic, and Castiel wonders if the previous owners meant to leave them. He'll have to call Helen later and find out.
The majority of the boxes have the name Dean written on the sides, but some of them say Sammy, Castiel hasn't opened any of those yet.
He feels weird going through these boxes, like he's peeking into someone's life where he has no right to, and he feels even weirder about accidentally reading some kid's journal.
He sighs and pushes the box of clothes away, he shouldn't be looking through these, they aren’t his.
Finally he gets up and climbs back down the stairs that lead from the attic to the garage. They fold up, but he leaves them down in the hopes that it will help air the area out.
The house is empty with Claire at school, there are still boxes everywhere waiting to be unpacked. Castiel starts to unpack one, but he finds himself feeling anxious and unable to focus.
Finally, he gives up and calls Helen, the woman who owned the house before him. She'd told him that she's a stay-at-home mom, so hopefully she'll be free.
“Hello?” Comes Helen's tinny voice over the speaker.
“Oh, um, hello Helen. This is Castiel. Collins. I, um, I bought your house?”
Castiel hears Helen laugh on the other end. “Yeah, I know who you are, hun. Is everything alright?”
“I think so.” He answers, “It's just- there are a bunch of boxes in the attic. I wasn't sure if they belonged to you, if you left them by accident...”
There's a long silence on the other end of the phone. “Not sure I know which boxes you're talking about. What was in them?”
“Well I only looked in a couple. One was mostly schoolbooks, the other was clothes. They have names on the sides. Dean and Sammy?”
Helen lets out a breath. “Oh, those boxes. Yeah, those aren't ours.”
“Oh.” Says Castiel, unsure where to go from here, “Should I throw them out?”
“That's up to you, hon.” Helen says, Castiel can hear children shouting in the background. “We only kept them for so long because, well, we thought somebody might come back for them.”
The way she says it gives Castiel pause, and he can't help asking, “What do you mean?”
“Well, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't tell you this.” She thinks for a moment, “Aw, what the hell? It was years ago. Those kids are probably grown and gone now anyway.”
“What happened?” Castiel asks, genuinely curious now.
“Well I didn't live here then, I'm from Fort Wells, you know it?”
“Uh, I’ve never been.”
“Oh, well, beautiful area. Very pretty. Anyway, I didn't live here. But the neighbor told me- Mrs. Gilman, she told me that it was two boys and a dad that lived there. Young boys, middle school maybe? Maybe high-school, I don't know. I think the mom had recently died.” Helen takes a breath, “Anyway, the dad was a real nut, apparently. Real backward, you know? Always leaving the house at weird hours. Something happened eventually and the guy ended up in prison, the kids got put into foster care and had to leave a bunch of stuff behind. Never felt right getting rid of it, you know?”
“Wow.” Says Castiel, “I had no idea.”
“Those poor kids, right?”
“Yeah...”
They chat for a while longer, but Castiel is preoccupied the entire time. Now he feels even weirder about having gone through those boxes, but at the same time the new information sort of makes him want to learn more.
Once he feels like he can get away without seeming rude he tells Helen goodbye, and just like that he's alone with his thoughts once again.
“You're acting weird again.” Claire says at dinner.
“No, I’m not.” Castiel protests, “I'm... am I?”
Claire cracks a smile. “Just a little. You okay?”
Castiel takes a deep breath. “Yes. Just feeling restless.”
Claire stabs at the green beans on her plate. “When do you start work?”
“Monday. I have a whole week.”
“You make that sound like such a bad thing.”
“I'd almost rather be working. I hate being in an empty house.”
Claire rolls her eyes. “What are you going to do when I go off to college?”
Castiel waves her off. “I don't even want to think about that.”
“I'm eighteen in two years, Dad. That's not that long.”
“Ugh, don't remind me.”
“You'll be fine.”
Castiel frowns and decides to quickly change the subject before things get too heavy. “How was school?”
Claire shrugs. “Could'a been better, could'a been worse.”
“Have you made any friends?”
“Maybe. There's this girl named Alex who's pretty cool.”
Castiel nods. “Good. You can bring her by some night if you want.”
“C'mon Dad, I just met her. Be cool.”
“Yes, alright, sorry.”
~~
August 23, 2004
got a week's worth of detention for fighting again today and then when I got home dad grounded me. Not like I go out anywhere anyway. I don't even have any friends here. This sucks. I dont get why we moved here anyway. Mom wouldn't have liked it here.
August 24, 2004
I lied. Mom would have loved it here. She would have been at the park all the time looking at the flowers. And would have been friends with all of our neighbors. I don't know any of our neighbors and dad doesn't either. He doesn't talk to them, and I think they're scared of him. I would be too.
Sammys doin okay though. He's a smart kid. Already made a couple friends and everything. If sammys okay, than I'll be okay too.
~~
Castiel can't help it, now that he knows that something happened to those kids... he wants to know more about it. He's only read two more of the journal entries though, and they're so short that he may as well have only read a half of one.
He has a difficult time reading it sometimes though, not because of the content, because of the handwriting. In the fashion of a typical teenage boy, Dean's handwriting is almost illegible.
Later, he's outside pulling weeds in the overgrown flower beds when he hears a friendly voice call out,
“Hi there, neighbor!”
Castiel looks up to find a small, chipper white-haired old lady leaning over his fence.
“Oh, um, hello!” Castiel replies. He stands and pulls off his gardening gloves, tosses them to the porch, and goes to the fence.
He holds out his hand to the old woman. “Castiel Collins.” He introduces himself. “I'm your new neighbor.”
The woman takes his hand and shakes it vigorously. “I figured as much.” She tells him. “I'm Annie Gilman and I've lived here for fifty-three years. Welcome to the neighborhood.”
“Fifty-three years,” Castiel marvels. “That's...”
“It's a long damn time, is what it is.” Says Annie. “It's a good neighborhood, though. Good for raising young'uns. You have any?”
“I have a daughter, Claire, she's sixteen.”
Annie gives a low whistle and shakes her head. “Sixteen. I don't don't envy you.”
Castiel ducks his head and chuckles. “No, she's a good kid.” He tells Annie, “She's been having a bit of a hard time lately but... she's a good kid.”
“Are you married?” Annie asks.
“Divorced.”
“So what brings you to Lazarus Falls, then?”
“Just... needed a change of scenery.” Castiel tells her, a smile tight on his lips.
Annie gives him a long, speculative look. “Don't mind me, dear.” She says after a moment, “I'm just a nosy old biddy.”
“No, no. I don't mind at all. It's nice having someone to talk to.” Castiel tells her, and then, “Actually, I was wondering if I could ask you something.”
“Go ahead.”
“Well, um. I guess the family that lived here before the Hortons left a bunch of stuff in the attic and I just... I'm a little curious about them. Did you know them?”
Annie purses her lips and nods. “Winchesters.” She says slowly, “That John, I tell ya, sometimes I wondered if he didn't have a little bit of the devil in him.”
“John was... the father? Right?” Castiel guesses.
“If you could call him that. Not fit to care for a goldfish, in my opinion.” She stops, hesitates, but Castiel gives her a nod of encouragement, he wants to know more.
Annie leans forward over the fence a little more, conspiratorially. “He was always coming and going at weird hours.” She tells Castiel, “Usually so drunk I could tell from over there.” She nods at her porch. “And there was always so much yelling when he was home, I was constantly afraid he was hitting those boys, awful temper he had. And sometimes he'd leave and his car would be gone for days at a time. Sometimes a week. I tried going over there a few times when he was gone, to talk to the boys, but they would insist that he was home even though I knew he wasn't.”
“I heard he... might have gone to jail?”
Annie nods vehemently. “Prison. That temper finally got the best of him and he killed somebody. I don't know the details. Social services turned up one day and took the boys. I'm not surprised they left a lot of stuff, I think they only took a couple suitcases with them.”
“Wow.” Castiel says, taking it all in, “Do you know what happened to them?”
“No idea.” Says Annie, “Haven’t seen them since.”
~~
September 3, 2004
I finally made a friend! Her name is charlie bradbury and she's really cool. She likes Star Wars as much as I do, and she kicked Lance Kenner in the balls for making fun of my glasses. She got detention, but I have detention again too anyway, so we can still hang out.
I feel like things are finally getting better, maybe I won't hate it as much as I thought I would.
Sammy's getting straight A's already,he's such a nerd. Maybe I should have him help me with my homework, haha. He wants to bring his friends over, but I told him dad wouldn't like that. I mean, dad will get mad if he comes home and sammy's gone, but it would be even worse if he came home and someone else was here. I feel bad about it, but those are the rules.
September 4, 2004
I dreamed about mom again. Is it bad that i'm almost glad?
That's a lie, I am glad. I miss her so much, but sometimes I forget what she smelled like, or what shade her hair was. I don't want to forget
I don't want to forget
I don't want to forget
her hair was gold, like sunlight, or wheat maybe. She smelled like cinnamon. She was the best mom in the entire world, and im not going to forget her, no matter what.
September 6, 2004
Dad's been gone for three days and I don't know where he is. I don't know what to do. The bills are piling up on the kitchen table and I don't know how to make dinner. Yesterday I made mac and cheese, so that's probably what i'll make again tonight. We only have a couple more boxes though, so I really really hope dad gets back soon.
I almost told Mr. Fitzgerald, the school counselor, about it. But if I do that they might take us away and they'll separate me and sammy. I can't let them do that. Anyway, what if dad comes back and we're gone? He'd be so upset.
I'll wait it out. It'll be okay. I'm sure dad will come back.
~~
Castiel can't help himself. He's up in the attic again, going through the boxes and reading the journal. It makes him feel a bit dirty, but it's also fascinating in the way a train-wreck might be. It's horrible, but he can't help but keep reading. He wants to know what happened. He wants to know how it ended.
He's aware that the journal won't hold all the answers. It's still here, in this box, so the boy obviously didn't take it with him. That means it's unfinished, it only holds a small portion of the story, but he has to know anyway.
Castiel is feeling better today, not so anxious. He's finding it easier to stay focused, and so he starts unpacking the kitchen. It's going well until he finds the red plates.
The red plates were Meg's idea. It was her favorite color, and she wanted those plates. It didn't matter that the set cost more than Castiel made in a paycheck, it only mattered that she wanted them. Castiel remembers telling her that they couldn't afford the set, and he remembers the resulting fight. They had been young then, and Castiel hadn't known that not all couples constantly fought. He thought it was normal, back then. Of course his wife would scream herself hoarse over a set of plates, of course she would say that Castiel didn't really love her if he wouldn't buy them for her. That was how marriage was, wasn't it?
Castiel takes the whole set of plates and puts them into a box, then he takes the box and puts it on the front porch. He can't even stand to have the damn things in the house, polluting the air.
When Claire gets home from school she drops her bag in the hall and comes into the kitchen to slump into a chair at the table next to her father.
“How come there's a box of plates on the porch?” She asks.
“They remind me of your mother.”
“Should we smash 'em?”
Castiel smiles. “Well they're worth about 700 dollars so we probably shouldn't. I'd like to try and sell them, or at least give them away.”
“Shut the fuck up!” Claire demands, sitting up straight.
“Language!” Castiel berates her.
“Are you telling me that we've been sitting on 700 dollars worth of plates this whole time?” She asks disbelievingly, ignoring him.
Castiel shrugs. “They've been boxed up for a while.”
“I could get a new cell-phone with that kind of money! I could get new clothes! I could get-”
“Okay, alright, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll try and sell them, okay? We'll see what happens.”
“You should try selling them on ebay.”
“I don't know how to work ebay.” Castiel grumbles.
“Oh my god, are you kidding me? It's so simple a monkey could do it. Okay, come on, I'll show you.”
~~
September 14, 2004
so dad's back. He came back about a week ago, I guess I didn't write that down. I havn't really had much of a chance, things have been so weird. Dad's drunk, been drunk since he got back. I don't know where he's getting all the booze, since he never seems to leave the house to get more. Maybe he goes while we're at school, but I think that's when he sleeps so I don't know. I havn't seen him go to work since he got back either, so I don't know if he still has a job or what. I don't know what we'll do if he lost his job.
September 15, 2004
I asked dad if he still had his job. Boy, he didn't like that much. Yelled so loud I thought the neighbors were gonna call the cops. But today after school me and sammy went by the Garage and told dad's boss that he broke his leg and that's why he hasn't been in. i'm not sure if he believed me or not, but he says if dad shows up at work tomorrow he can still have his job, so that's something. I don't know how i'm going to convince dad to go to work, but i'll have to. I'll figure something out.
September 16, 2004
well I got dad up for work today. It was shit and I had to go to school with a black eye because of it but at least dad went to work. Sammy's pissed at him though, and I keep having to break up fights between the two of them. I wish they wouldn't fight, but sammy's stubborn as hell and it's gonna get him hurt one of these days. I worry about it. Dad's pretty strong and I don't want sammy to get hurt, but he just keeps picking fights all the time. What if they get into a fight and i'm not there?
I just wish they wouldn't fight. Mom never liked arguing either. Maybe i'm like mom. Dad says I have her eyes.
I like the thought of being like mom, is that bad? I don't know. I feel like dad would say that it's bad, but he thinks lots of things are bad. Mom was good. Maybe it's not such a bad thing if i'm like her.
Tucked into this page of the notebook is a picture of a blond woman, smiling and beautiful. She has kind eyes.
September 29, 2004
Well, it's official, I can never let my dad meet charlie.
Not because she's not cool, because she is. She's way cool, she's my best friend. But she likes girls, and dad hates that. He says a lot of awful things about gay people, and I don't want him saying awful things about charlie. She's cool, and she's my friend, and so what if she likes girls? What does it matter? I don't get why it makes dad so mad. Or two guys, why does that upset him so much? I don't understand it.
I told sam though, and he says dad's just an asshole. How did he get to be so smart at 11?
sam says I should join the LGBT club at school to support charlie, and I think it would be cool, but I don't know. What if dad finds out? His head would probably explode.
I dont think mom would mind. I think mom would like charlie, and I don't think she'd care that charlie likes girls. So why does dad care so much?
Maybe sam's right. Maybe he's just an asshole.
Below this entry, there's a little picture, drawn in pen. It depicts a stick-man who's head has exploded. There's a little arrow pointing to it, and a note that says “dad”.
~~
Unpacking is a lot harder than Castiel remembers from previous moves. It seems like he's just acquired more and more junk over the years. He's got the kitchen done, his bedroom, the bathroom, and the laundry room. Everything else is still a wreck. He hasn't even checked on Claire's room, but he can guess at the state it's in.
He keeps finding things that remind him of Meg, and those things are steadily becoming a pile of boxes in the garage. Castiel might try to sell them, or he might just end up giving them to the Goodwill, he's not sure yet. There's certain things he can stand to look at, and certain things he can't. Claire is better at it than he is, somehow. She breezes through any possessions of her mother's with a look of contempt on her face, but says nothing of it.
She's so strong, Castiel thinks often, so much stronger than he is. He's so proud of her.
There's a library just about six blocks down from their new place, and Castiel goes the first chance that he gets. It's been so long since he's lived close to a library. He eagerly gets a library card, and spends the day just exploring the place. It's fairly big and pretty well stocked.
Castiel finds himself drawn toward the microfilm, and for a long time he just looks over old local newspapers, especially from 2004. He's inexplicably disappointed when he doesn't come across anything about the Winchesters.
~~
October 4, 2004
sammy told me today that he wants to go to Stanford. For law. Trust him to pick the most expensive school possible, right? I want him to go though.
Maybe he can get a scholarship. He gets good enough grades I think he could probably do it. If anybody can, it'll be him. He's the smartest kid I know. Miles smarter than me and i'm older. His journal probably has perfect grammar and punctuation and everything.
Law school. If he did it, he could really make something of himself. I want him to be able to. I want him to be able to get nice food and new clothes and a nice house.
But I also don't want him to leave. I know it's selfish, I know it is, but I don't want to be left on my own. Maybe I can move there with him and live nearby. I don't know how much apartments cost. Probably a lot. But im sure i'll figure something out, gotta keep sammy safe.
October 6, 2004
I have more friends now. I made them through charlie, but it seems like they like me, so that's cool. Gilda is really nice, she's charlie's girlfriend. And ash is cool, he's as smart as sammy. We all went to the roller rink yesterday and charlie paid for my skates which was super cool of her. I don't think i'll go again though, because when I got back dad and sam were in a fight again.
I also met aaron, he's nice. He's in the LGBT club, but I don't know if he's gay or what. Im not in the club, but sometimes I go and hang out with charlie when she's there. I don't think dad will find out about it. It's probably okay.
I think I might hang out with aaron more, he invited me to the movies saturday and he said he'll pay and his mom can drive us. I don't know if i'll go because I don't want to leave dad and sam alone,but I really want to go. Aaron is really nice and he always smells like juicy fruit gum and-
At this point, there are several lines of text that have been scribbled out with a heavy-handed dark pen.
October 7, 2004
I got detention again. Dad is gonna be so mad. But Collin was being a real asshole, he said a bunch of really nasty stuff about charlie and gilda, and what was I supposed to do, not punch him?
Maybe dad wont find out anyway though. He left for work yesterday and he hasn't come back yet. He might be gone for a week again, who knows?
I don't know if i'm relieved or not. He wont be here to yell at me or sammy, but he might actually lose his job this time. I don't know.
October 9, 2004
Dad came back. He didn't lose his job thankfully.
But that's not best thing that happened this week. Today something else happened.
I went to the movies with Aaron and we saw Taxi which was pretty good but that's not the best part. We were sitting in the back and halfway through the movie Aaron held my hand. We held hands the rest of the time, and mine got kind of sweaty but it was really nice. Aaron's hands are soft. I thought I just liked girls before, but I really like aaron, so maybe I like boys too. Or maybe I just like aaron, I don't know.
October 11, 2004
AARON KISSED ME. We were walking home from school together because his house is on the way to mine and when we got to his house he just kissed me right there. On the mouth.
I mean, i've kissed girls. But i've never kissed a boy before. Aaron is a really good kisser AND he tastes like juicy fruit gum.
He asked me if I wanted to be his boyfriend, and I said yes.
I said yes.
How weird is that? I have a boyfriend.
I never would have thought it. It sounds nice though.
Aaron is my boyfriend.
At this point in the notebook, there's a huge chunk of pages missing. Ripped out, by the look of it. In fact, it's the entire rest of the year. In the pages after, no more mention is made of Aaron.
~~
“I kind of want to find him.” Castiel says to Claire, after admitting to going through the boxes upstairs and reading the journal.
Claire frowns at him. “What did you say his name was?”
“Dean Winchester.” Castiel has been keeping the boxes and the journal a secret. For what reason, he can't say. “I just, I have no idea how to even begin to look for him.”
Claire is frowning at her phone now, and Castiel thinks she must have already moved on from the conversation, until she looks back up and says, “Is this him?”
She turns her phone toward him, and he's greeted with a facebook profile.
It says "Dean Winchester", and the picture is of a very handsome man with sandy brown hair and glasses. His eyes are green, and very kind.
“I don't know, maybe.” Castiel says, holding his breath and taking the phone from Claire's hand. He scrolls through the profile, but he doesn't actually know much about the Dean Winchester that lived here before, so he can't be sure. But then he's scrolling through the about section and, under “family” there's one Samuel Winchester.
“It is him.” Castiel breathes. “How... how did you do that?”
Claire rolls her eyes. “It's so easy to find people on the internet it's not even funny. Plus, he's still living here in town.”
At this, Castiel jerks his eyes away from the phone screen to his daughter. “What? How do you know that? It doesn't say that on here!”
This time, Claire laughs. “I've seen him!” She says. “He owns a bookstore in town. It's on Main Street. Seriously, have you been out of the house at all?”
“I've been to work.” Castiel says, a little petulantly.
Claire sighs. “You should try getting out more, you might even meet some people.”
At this, Castiel hands Claire her phone back. “I know.” He says. “I just...”
Claire reaches out and touches his elbow, “Not everybody is mom.” She says softly. “There are good people out there.”
Castiel gives a dry laugh and scrubs a hand over his face. “So I’ve heard.”
“You gonna go to the bookstore?” Claire asks.
“Maybe.” Castiel takes a deep breath and then lets it out.
“I think you should.” Claire tells him. “Give the guy his stuff back. It'll make you feel better.”
“Maybe you're right.”
“I'm always right.” Says Claire.
Castiel laughs, “You're a brat.”
Claire sticks her tongue out at him.