Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Namjoon had always thought of rich kids as spoiled and vapid and shallow, and despite the fact that he was a student at South Korea's most prestigious university, there seemed to be a lot of those people surrounding him. A good example, he thought, was Kim Seokjin.

Seokjin was easily the most attractive boy in the school, but he was also the coldest. Every time he walked into the music class he shared with Namjoon, he wore expensive clothes and a permanently stiff, emotionless expression. It reminded Namjoon of a businessman dealing with a client he didn't like. If that was the effect Seokjin wanted, Namjoon thought, he had it perfected. Namjoon had only seen the older boy smile once or twice, and it had seemed forced and was only ever used when meeting someone for the first time. 

Namjoon absolutely hated it. 

Sometimes, Seokjin did show emotions, but those emotions were only disdain, boredom, or annoyance. Namjoon knew that the only reason Seokjin had even been accepted into the university was because of how wealthy his family was. Namjoon also happened to hate people like that: people who didn't work for their dreams. He himself had worked his ass off to get into this school; Seokjin had clearly done nothing. He didn't even seem to care.

On one particular day in January of his sophomore year, Namjoon was running late to his music class. As he hurried into the building, he saw a familar face - Seokjin. The older boy was talking to a group of girls, all of whom seemed to be flirting with him. He winked and blew a few kisses before turning and heading in the same direction as Namjoon. As he entered the building, his expression changed from a somewhat forced flirty look to the same emotionless one Namjoon saw day after day. Namjoon found it disgusting that Seokjin couldn't even muster up enough real emotion to talk to people who seemed to actually care about him.

The professor was late too, so Namjoon had enough time to pull out his phone and see a text from his friend Yoongi. Yoongi was a year older than Namjoon - same age as Seokjin, actually - and was also majoring in music. He had been born in Daegu and had lived in poverty for most of his life. Namjoon admired him because of his determination to keep pursuing his dream despite his circumstances. That, and he was a good friend. 

Yoongi

I'm moving my stuff into the new fancy apartment now. My roommate isn't there. I wonder what he's like

Yoongi was also friends with the son of the man who managed the most expensive student housing complex in town. This friendship had landed him an apartment in said expensive housing complex. Apparently, someone had moved out and Yoongi was taking his place. He hadn't met his new roommate yet.

Namjoon

Cool. Text me when your roomie shows up

Yoongi

Okay sure

----------

Twenty minutes after Namjoon's class ended and fifteen minutes after he had gotten back to his apartment, Yoongi texted back. He had met his roommate.

Yoongi

Ugh he's a rich asshole

Namjoon

That's what you get when you stay in the expensive apartments. What's he like?

Yoongi

He just shook my hand and gave me this fake ass smile and said 'pleasure to meet you' and then walked into his room

Namjoon

Oh man I feel so bad for you

Yoongi

The prick didn't even tell me his name 

Namjoon

Jfc

Yoongi

Agreed, if someone's gonna walk up to me in a fucking gucci outfit and shake my hand they better tell me their damn name

Namjoon

Tell him to pull the stick out of his ass 

Yoongi

He's fucking rich I need to get on his good side

Namjoon

Why would you want that if he's such a dick tho

Yoongi

His parents could probably get me expelled and ship me back to daegu and buy the guy a new roomie and it probably wouldn't make a dent in their wallets

Namjoon

Oh I see

Yoongi

Yeah anyway gtg

Namjoon looked up from his phone and stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. His roommate and best friend Jung Hoseok was sleeping on the couch, so Namjoon couldn't just go out there and grab some chips or watch TV. After a few minutes of laying indecisively on his bed, he got up, put his headphones on, played a song that he liked but could never remember the name of, and decided to wander aimlessly around campus. Maybe he would run into one of his other friends.

The second he left his room, though, Hoseok smiled and waved from where he was laying on the couch.

"I just woke up," he said cheerfully. "Do you wanna go do something?"

Namjoon nodded. "I was just about to go for a walk. You coming?"

Hoseok jumped up and put his shoes on. "Yeah. Maybe we can see if Yoongi wants to come."

"No," a voice said, "I need to work on a project." Yoongi was standing in the doorway of the small apartment, his laptop bag slung over one shoulder and his phone in his hand. "Mind if I hang out here? I really don't like my roommate."

"Okay, go ahead," Hoseok said. "Not like we would actually say no, though." He flashed Yoongi a heart-shaped grin, ruffled his hair (an action which earned a middle finger from its recipient), and walked out the door. Namjoon followed, leaving Yoongi to his work.

----------

"You know Kim Seokjin?" Namjoon asked Hoseok as the two of them walked past the library.

"Everybody knows Kim Seokjin," Hoseok replied. "Either you love him or you hate him. I personally think he seems sorta lonely."

"He's a prick. I don't know how anybody can stand him. Seriously, I don't think he even has emotions."

"Maybe he just doesn't know how to act any other way," Hoseok said. "Maybe he's just lived a very sheltered life and doesn't really know how to be a good person. Maybe he's nice on the inside."

"No, he's not. Seokjin is literally just an emotionless dick who doesn't give a shit about anyone's feelings, including his own. He's just a rich piece of shit. His looks are literally the only thing he has going for him."

"Excuse me?" A new voice asked. Namjoon's eyes widened in shock when he saw none other than Kim Seokjin standing in front of him. He and Hoseok stared. Seokjin's eyes were narrowed and his arms were crossed. Hoseok gulped.

"You're excused," Namjoon said after a moment. He met Seokjin's glare with a scowl of his own.

"Why were you talking shit about me?" Seokjin demanded.

"Because you deserve it," Namjoon replied. "And you don't have feelings anyway, so it doesn't really matter."

Seokjin looked legitimately offended for a second before he switched his expression back to the glare. "Well, I don't care, because I'm rich and my parents love me and I'm perfect."

Namjoon snorted. "You? Perfect? Yeah, right. Stop lying to yourself. The only true statement there is that you're rich. I honestly doubt that your parents really care about you." 

That clearly hit a nerve. A genuinely pained expression flashed across Seokjin's pretty face and then went away as fast as it had appeared. His hands clenched into fists. The glare returned with far more anger than before. "My parents do care about me," Seokjin snapped. The way he said it almost sounded like he was trying to convince himself as well as Namjoon and Hoseok. "They give me everything I want."

"Except people who actually care about you," Namjoon retorted. "And I highly doubt they do anything else for you. You're probably not worth their time."

"Y-you're wrong. You're wrong. They love me. They care about me. Everyone does. I'm perfect." He was still obviously angry but now he really seemed to be trying to convince himself that what he was saying was the truth. He turned and walked away, but not before telling Namjoon to go fuck himself.

----------

A very young boy ran excitedly down one of the many hallways in his huge house. He held a paper tightly between his tiny fingers as he opened the door to an office-like room and ran over to the man sitting in front of the computer. 

"Daddy! Daddy!" The boy squealed happily as he jumped up and down, waving the paper around. "Look! I can write my name!" He showed the man his paper, which simply had the same word scrawled on it over and over again in messy handwriting: Seokjin Seokjin Seokjin Seokjin Seokjin Seokjin

"Good job," his father said in a way that suggested that he didn't really care very much. "Why don't you go show your mom?"

And the little boy had gone to show his mother, and she responded in virtually the same way: a disinterested "I'm proud of you, honey" and nothing else.

The boy suddenly didn't feel like learning to write his own name was much of an accomplishment at all.

Chapter Text

"What the fuck?!" Hoseok demanded as Seokjin marched away. "What is your fucking problem? What did he ever do to you?"

"He's just... disgustingly emotionless," Namjoon replied. "He doesn't seem to give a shit about anything, and that annoys the hell out of me. In a place like this, there are people who actually worked to get into this school and then there are people like him who were born with silver spoons coming out of their asses and who don't care that they're attending the literal best school in the country. It gets frustrating, you know?"

"Yeah, but that's no excuse to treat him like that, you judgemental asshole!"

Namjoon was taken aback. Hoseok was surprisingly scary when he was angry, but Namjoon had never been so unfortunate as to be on the recieving end of his fury before today. "I- I'm not-" Namjoon stopped as he realized that holy shit, he actually was a judgemental asshole. "You're right. That wasn't the right way to handle my frustration. I was judgemental, and I'm sorry."

"Apologize to Seokjin, not me," Hoseok replied angrily. "And we're still best friends - because I really do like you when you're being your usual nice self - but I'm not gonna talk to you until you apologize to him. I don't care how much you hate him, just apologize." He turned on his heel and walked quickly away without looking back. Namjoon stared after him for a moment and then went to go sit against a nearby tree. 

"Damn it," he muttered. "I really am an asshole. Hoseok's right. I'm a fucking piece of shit. Seokjin didn't do anything to deserve that. God, I'm such an idiot sometimes. I-"

"Hey, are you okay?" A deep voice asked. "And why are you talking to yourself?"

Namjoon looked up to see a handsome young man looking down at him. He was the same height as Hoseok and Seokjin, and his hair was dyed a warm brown color. Namjoon shrugged. "I'm not really okay," he said. "And I'm just berating myself for being such a dick."

"Uh, you don't really seem like a dick," the other boy replied. "I'm Taehyung, by the way. Freshman. Anyway, what's eating you?" He sat down next to Namjoon.

"I treated this guy I don't really know like shit. My only reason is that he never shows any real emotion and that frustrates me, but that's honestly no reason to be such an ass. And now my best friend is really mad at me and I fucking hate myself."

"Yeah, that sounds like you fucked up," Taehyung said. "But I think you can make it right if you try hard enough. What's your name?" 

"Namjoon."

"And what about your best friend and the other guy?"

"Jung Hoseok and Kim Seokjin."

Taehyung's eyes widened. "Kim Seokjin?" He repeated. 

"Yeah. That's the emotionless one."

"I used to have a friend named Kim Seokjin. I wonder if this is the same one. I moved back to Daegu when I was in seventh grade but he stayed. We went to this expensive private school and I really liked it there but then I had to move so my parents could help take care of my grandma." He frowned. "Seokjin was really sad. He was in ninth grade at the time but we saw each other every day and he came over to help my family load our stuff into the U-Haul and when we left he just stood there on the front porch watching us drive away and that was the last time I ever saw him. Hopefully he found a new friend. I don't think his parents really appreciated him much. It seemed like they just gave him everything he asked for and then left him to his own devices." Taehyung frowned again. "Hopefully you're talking about the same guy. I mean, it kinda sounds like him. He started acting sort of cold and emotionless when he was, like, twelve or so. He said he was imitating his dad. He never acted like that around me, though. He was a really nice guy once you got to know him. Anyway, now that you know my entire life story, let's get back to your thing. Our goal is to get your shit un-fucked up and to potentially reunite me with my childhood best friend."

"Yeah," Namjoon said. "Okay." He wondered if the emotionless Seokjin he thought he knew was actually the same person Taehyung had described. Maybe there were two sides to every story after all.

His phone buzzed, and he pulled it out of his pocket to see what was happening. It was a text from Yoongi.

Yoongi

Uhhh hoseok just stormed into your apartment with this really pissed off look on his face and he said you treated some random rich kid like trash for no good reason

Namjoon

Yeah and I hate myself now

Yoongi

So what happened

Yoongi

Tell me

Namjoon

It was that guy I'm always complaining about

Namjoon

The one with no emotions

Yoongi

Oh yeah him

Namjoon

And I was shit talking him and then we literally ran into him and he was PISSED

Namjoon

So I was a fucking judgemental piece of shit and I just INSULTED HIM SO HARD THAT HE WOULD HAVE ENDED UP ON MOTHERFUCKING PLUTO IF MY WORDS HAD ANY PHYSICAL FORCE BEHIND THEM and he got reasonably upset and walked away AND THEN SO DID HOBI 

Namjoon

Now I'm talking to this really nice freshman who may or may not be childhood friends with him

Yoongi

Oh?

Namjoon

But no worries bc this guy's super chill

Namjoon

He's gonna help me make things right

Yoongi

Okay good because hoseok is really mad at you

Yoongi

Anyway gotta blast

Namjoon put his phone away with a sigh. Taehyung grinned at him.

"Okay," the younger boy said. "Let's go! Oh, and this could take a while. He might not want to forgive you if you were being that much of a jerk. But you just have to keep working at it and eventually it'll be just fine."

----------

Namjoon had plenty of time to brood over his actions as he and Taehyung wandered around campus, searching for Seokjin. As they checked the library and the student union and the music building and pretty much everywhere else, he thought about how rude he had been. Seokjin had looked genuinely hurt when Namjoon had suggested that his parents didn't love him, and yet Namjoon had kept going despite noticing that. 

Namjoon felt horrible.

"Do you know where he lives?" Taehyung asked suddenly. "Maybe he just went home."

"He's obviously rich as fuck-"

"Yeah, that sounds like my friend," Taehyung interrupted.

"So he probably lives in one of those expensive apartments," Namjoon finished.

"What's the most expensive one?" 

"I can't remember the name, but follow me. It's only a couple blocks away from my apartment."

----------

The two of them walked into the lobby of the expensive complex, and Namjoon suddenly felt like his hoodie and jeans and sneakers were incredibly out of place among the eloquent decorations and furniture. Taehyung was dressed nicely, but even he didn't seem to belong here. The lobby was decorated in gray and white with a liberal amount of gold and silver mixed in. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling. It reminded Namjoon of a fancy hotel rather than a housing complex for college students. Taehyung immediately strode over to a kid his age (Namjoon thought the kid looked very familiar) who was relaxing on one of the chairs.

"Hey, Jimin," Taehyung said confidently. "Do you live here?"

"No," the other boy said. "But my dad's the manager, remember? Why do you ask? Are you looking for someone?"

"Yeah," Taehyung replied. "Kim Seokjin. My best friend. Does he live here?"

"I think so," the boy said with a thoughtful nod. "He's tall and handsome, right?"

"And he always looks like he doesn't care about anything," Namjoon said.

"Oh, yeah. I know him for sure. He lives here. Third floor, but I'm not sure which apartment. I'll call my dad." He pulled out his phone, dialed a number, and then spoke. "Hey, dad. Which apartment does Kim Seokjin live in? Does he even live here?" There was a response, and then Jimin said, "okay, thanks. Bye." He hung up and turned back to Namjoon and Taehyung. "Apartment 314. Oh my god, how did I not make that connection? He's in my music class, for god's sake!"

"Okay, thanks," Taehyung said. "C'mon, Namjoon. Let's go find him!" He grabbed Namjoon's wrist and dragged him off in the direction of the elevator.

As they reached the third floor, Namjoon became increasingly nervous. What if Seokjin never forgave him? What if he slammed the door or punched Namjoon in the face? What if Namjoon went back to treating him like shit? The ways this could go wrong were endless. Taehyung, on the other hand, seemed excited. Namjoon could see why, but he didn't share the freshman's enthusiasm. 

Taehyung knocked loudly on the door, and Namjoon resisted the urge to inform him that there was a doorbell. After several minutes with no response, Taehyung found the doorbell and rang it. Namjoon secretly hoped that maybe Seokjin wasn't there. 

The door swung open, revealing a familiar emotionless face. Kim Seokjin stared at them both, looking almost surprised. Taehyung's rectangular grin reappeared, seeming to almost split his face in two.

"Seokjin," he squealed. "It really is you! Oh my god, I missed you!"

Seokjin's eyes widened. "T-Taehyung?"

----------

A twelve-year-old Kim Seokjin watched as his father spoke to a client. He watched his father's expression and movements carefully, hoping that maybe if he acted enough like his father he would be appreciated more. 

"I just need to act like him," he thought aloud. "He'll love it if I act like him."

And from then on, Seokjin suppressed his feelings as best he could, slowly getting better and better at it until he wore a mask of apathy.

Chapter Text

Taehyung smiled at the older boy. "That's my name," he said before Seokjin could say anything else. "Don't wear it out." It was at that moment that Namjoon saw another side of Seokjin. Unlike the stoic, robot-like boy he saw every day in class, Seokjin was smiling and pulling Taehyung into a hug. Namjoon realized that there really was a real person inside that cold shell. Hoseok had been right, and a horrible wave of remorse washed over Namjoon like a real wave that threatened to drag him out to sea. He remembered Hoseok's fury at his actions and he remembered how excited Taehyung had looked when he had heard about Seokjin being there and he remembered his own frustration manifesting as anger and he remembered the heartbroken expression that had flashed across Seokjin's face when Namjoon had said that his parents didn't love him. Most of all, though, he remembered that he had been the rude one and he had been talking shit and the only thing Seokjin did that bothered him was not showing much emotion and Seokjin had never actually done anything to him, and that made him feel even worse.

"You're so tall now," Seokjin was saying. "Now I can't tease you about your height anymore." 

"You'll find other things to tease me about," Taehyung replied. "Anyway, how have you been?"

"Fine. There's this one kid in my music class who seemed nice and is really handsome but it turns out he's just a bully." Namjoon realized that Seokjin was talking about him and stepped to the side, where he wouldn't be immediately visible even if Seokjin turned away from Taehyung. Seokjin didn't seem to notice. "I was walking to the library and he and his friend were walking toward me and he was just spouting all kinds of shit about me and I asked why he was saying all that and he responded by saying I don't have feelings so it doesn't matter and then... then he said that my parents don't really care about me." Namjoon heard his voice crack and realized that he was actually crying. 

Holy shit. I did that, Namjoon thought. I actually hurt him. 

"That's still your biggest insecurity, isn't it?" Taehyung asked. Seokjin only nodded and Taehyung gave him another hug. "Well, he's here to talk about it with you. Namjoon?"

Namjoon took a deep breath and moved to stand next to Taehyung. Seokjin's eyes narrowed. Namjoon looked down at his feet.

"Tae, did you bring him here?" Seokjin asked.

"Sort of," Taehyung admitted. "We brought each other here. Basically, I was just walking and I saw him sitting next to one of the trees in front of the library and he looked upset so I asked what was wrong and he said he had needlessly been a complete jerkass to this innocent guy. So, naturally, I asked what the guy's name was so he could find him and apologize and he said the guy was Kim Seokjin and I was like, no way, that's the name of my childhood best friend-"

"We're still best friends, right?" Seokjin interrupted. He looked almost concerned now.

"Of course we are, silly!" Taehyung said. "Absence makes the heart grow fonder, y'know?" He paused and then continued with his story. "Anyway, we decided to go find you so he could apologize and I could potentially be reunited with you. Without him, I wouldn't have known you went to school here until you graduated."

"Pardon my asking, but can we go sit inside your apartment?" Namjoon asked. "It'll be easier to have a civilized conversation if we're all comfortable."

Seokjin thought about it for a moment before finally relenting. "Okay," he said with a sigh. "Sit down on that chair there."

Namjoon stepped into the luxurious apartment and sank into the soft red armchair Seokjin had indicated. Taehyung flopped onto the matching red couch, and Seokjin motioned for him to sit up. Taehyung complied, and Seokjin took a seat next to him.

"Okay," Taehyung said. "Diplomat Tae is here to be a useful friend. Seokjin, you've already explained your side of the story, so it's Namjoon's turn. Go."

Namjoon took a breath. "Seokjin was telling the truth when he explained the story to you," he said. "I have nothing to add. That's all there was to it."

"Okay, but why did you act the way you did?" Taehyung asked.

"I was frustrated. This is such a prestigious university that it makes me mad when someone doesn't seem to care about the fact that they have the privilege to be here. But frustration isn't a valid excuse for what I said. Seokjin is right that I am, in fact, a bully. The only thing that was wrong with his version of the story was his description of me as handsome. I personally don't think I'm all that good-looking, but whatever floats your boat, I guess."

Taehyung laughed. "I'll side with Jin-hyung on that one," he said. "You're pretty attractive."

"Thanks, but we're getting off-topic. Seokjin, I just want to say that I'm sorry and I understand if you don't want to forgive me because I treated you unfairly and I was rude and judgemental and there's honestly no legitimate excuse for this. Actually, please take as long as you want to forgive me because I think I deserve to regret this for a little while longer."

Seokjin nodded slowly, seeming deep in thought. "Thank you for apologizing," he said finally.

"Just so you know, I doubt he'll forgive you for at least a few days," Taehyung said. "What you said about his family... that's a really sensitive subject for him. It's something he's struggled with since before I met him." He paused. "But he is a really nice person so he probably won't hate you forever."

"There's no point in staying mad forever," Seokjin added quietly. "But Taehyung's right, I'll need a few days to think about this."

"Alright," Namjoon said. "I understand."

At that moment, the door to the apartment opened, revealing none other than Yoongi, who looked incredibly surprised.

"Hi," Taehyung said. "Are you Jin-hyung's roommate?"

"Uh... if you're talking about the guy sitting next to you, yes," Yoongi said. "I didn't know you were friends with Namjoon."

"I just met him today," Taehyung explained. "He was beating himself up over something really rude he said to my friend here."

"Wait, this is the guy?" Yoongi motioned at Seokjin, who raised an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Namjoon said sheepishly. "And his best friend who he hasn't seen in years."

"I'm sorry I didn't introduce myself," Seokjin said. He seemed to have lowered his guard quite a bit now that there were only three other people in the room. Namjoon liked this version of him much better. "I was in a bit of a hurry. My name is Kim Seokjin."

"Well, this is pretty awkward," Yoongi muttered. "My roommate is the guy Namjoon doesn't like because he's always apathetic. Um, are you guys making amends?"

"Yeah," Namjoon replied. "Well, sort of. I told him not to forgive me immediately because I deserve to feel bad about this for a while."

"Bullshit," Yoongi said. 

"No, really," Namjoon told him. "I literally treated this guy like shit. It's a miracle he let me sit down in here and have a civil conversation after what I said. Apparently I hit the only weak point in his armor."

"Yeah," Taehyung added. "I won't tell you what that particular thing is, but I will tell you that it's something he's had to deal with for years and years so... oh, by the way, I'm Taehyung."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Yoongi. Min Yoongi. Anyway, I'll let you guys get back to your civil conversation. I need a nap." He walked into one of the bedrooms, shut the door, and Namjoon could practically see him flopping onto the bed and falling asleep.

Seokjin turned back to Namjoon. He no longer looked angry, only defeated. "I- I guess I'll see you again soon." He looked over at Taehyung. "Tae, did you ever end up getting a phone?" 

Taehyung grinned. "Yeah! I'll give you my number. Namjoon, you can have it too." Seokjin smiled as well as Taehyung pulled out a piece of paper and a pen from his pocket and scribbled his number.

Namjoon definitely liked this Seokjin better.

----------

When he was in fourth grade, Seokjin had recess at the same time as the second graders. He was never sure why this was, but it didn't matter until one day when he was walking past the jungle gym where the little kids played. Someone threw a pebble at him, and he turned to glare at the offender: a sweet-looking little boy wearing a dinosaur hat.

"Yay, you noticed me," the boy said. "I didn't wanna throw more rocks at you but I needed you to look at me."

"Uh, why?"

"Because I see you walking past here every day and I think you're cool. I'm Taehyung. Can we be friends?"

"Yeah, we can be friends. I'm Seokjin."

Taehyung jumped up and gave him a hug before shaking his hand.

"Wow," Taehyung breathed. "Your hands are so cool! I want cool hands, too! How did you get them to be all bendy like that?"

Seokjin had previously felt very self-conscious about his crooked fingers, but this kid seemed to actually like those fingers. It was the first time Seokjin had gotten a compliment on them. As Taehyung stood there, admiring his hand, Seokjin realized that this was the only person he had ever met who he didn't feel like he had to prove anything to. It was a nice feeling.

And then, five years later, he was in ninth grade and Taehyung was in seventh. The two of them had become inseperable despite their age difference and Seokjin still felt like he had nothing to prove to Taehyung. But that year was the worst one of Seokjin's life, because that year was when Taehyung moved away.

He said his family had to go back to Daegu to take care of his grandmother and that he wished he didn't have to leave. The two of them sat and cried for nearly an hour when Taehyung told Seokjin the news, and then, on a rainy day in March, Seokjin had helped his best friend's family get ready to leave once and for all. He had watched as their truck pulled out of the long driveway, followed by the U-Haul that held their belongings and towed the car behind it. Taehyung had pressed his face against the window of the truck as they drove away, and Seokjin had stood on their porch and waved until they were out of sight and then he had just stood there and cried for a long time before he finally rode his bike home through the rain.

Chapter Text

A week after the incident, Hoseok was no longer angry at Namjoon, but Namjoon was still angry at himself. He hadn't spoken to Seokjin since that day (although Taehyung kept trying to get them to hang out) and he had heard rumors that there was a major project coming up in his music class. The result of those rumors was Namjoon wandering aimlessly around campus, looking for inspiration so he could potentially get a head start, and Seokjin desperately asking Yoongi if he would help produce some sort of beat in the event that the rumors were true and there really was a big project coming up. Yoongi, of course, said no and that Seokjin should do his own work instead of getting someone else to do it for him.

Sure enough, their music professor did have a project for them: everyone in the class was supposed to compose a song that had some sort of personal significance to them. Namjoon listened attentively, scribbling down notes about the project as the professor spoke. He glanced over at Seokjin, who was once again completely stoic. As Namjoon watched him, a slight frown appeared on his face for about a minute before he returned to his usual blank expression. 

The minutes ticked by. Class finally ended. Namjoon headed over to his apartment, gathered everything he would need to start working on his song, and decided to ask Yoongi for advice. 

The sky was gray and the occasional raindrop splashed against Namjoon's hoodie as he walked. Somewhere nearby, someone yelled, "hey, you! With the hoodie and the headphones and the heavy-looking bag! C'mere!"

Namjoon looked up to see a boy who looked a little younger than Taehyung running over. This boy was wearing jeans, an Iron Man sweatshirt, and Timberlands, and in his hand was what looked like a pack of cards. Nestled in his arms was a crystal ball, and Namjoon's eyes widened. "Uh, who are you?" He asked.

"Jeon Jungkook. I'm a senior in high school and I plan to come here once I graduate. I'm working as a psychic right now so I can get enough money to pay for college. Being a fortune teller rakes in a surprising amount of cash, you know."

"Well, uh, sorry to burst your bubble, but I don't really believe in any of that," Namjoon said apologetically. Jungkook just shrugged.

"Neither do I," he admitted. "It's all bullshit, but I get money so I do it. I don't charge very much, though, so I won't feel quite as bad about ripping people off. Anyway, you look like you need some life advice." 

"I do, but will I have to pay you?"

"Nah. I'll do it for free since you know my secret. Anyway, let's sit... right there, on that specific grassy spot under that specific tree." He led Namjoon over to the spot he was referring to and put his crystal ball down in between the two of them. He also put his cards - which were actually tarot cards - down as well and then proceeded to grab Namjoon's hand and stare intensely at it. "Based on the lines on your palm, I think you have some work to do. Um, and maybe you need some help with it?"

"Yeah, actually. I need to write a song that's significant to me in some way, but I'm kinda missing the inspiration I need. Also, is there a way I can get this guy in my music class to forgive me? Because I was being a complete ass to him and I talked to him about it and apologized and I actually said he should take a while to forgive me but it's been a week and I feel really fucking bad."

"Why don't you write a song about that, then?" Jungkook suggested. "It can be about regret and self-hatred and maybe a desire for forgiveness." 

That was exactly what Namjoon needed. "Damn, you're a genius. That's perfect."

"Thanks. Or maybe you're welcome. Anyway, I think that'll help get the guy to forgive you because he'll realize how bad you feel."

Namjoon grinned. "Jeon Jungkook, you offer excellent advice."

Jungkook smiled back. "If you ever need anything else, here's my number. Tell me how the song turns out, okay?"

"Okay, I will. Thank you so much. That was just what I needed."

"Alrighty then. I've gotta get going now, so see you later!" He picked up his things, winked playfully at Namjoon, and hurried away without another word.

----------

Namjoon rang the doorbell of apartment 314 of the expensive complex and prayed to any deity who would listen that Yoongi would be the one to answer the door. But, of course, luck wasn't on Namjoon's side and the person who opened the door was not Yoongi, but Seokjin. 

"Um, hi," Namjoon said, hoping to avoid an awkward conversation. "Is Yoongi-hyung here?"

Seokjin raised an eyebrow. "No," he said. "You just missed him. He left, like, two minutes ago."

"Oh. Sorry to bother you, then. I'll leave."

"No, you can stay," Seokjin said. Namjoon thought he seemed very tired all of a sudden. "Just go sit in Yoongi's room and stay out of mine."

Namjoon could hardly believe what he was hearing. "W-why are you being so nice to me after how I treated you?"

"It was a whole week ago, and Taehyung seems to like you, so..."

"Does this mean you've forgiven me?"

"No, it means I don't feel like hating you."

"So you've essentially forgiven me, then."

"Sure. Whatever."

----------

Namjoon had only been sitting on Yoongi's bed for about ten minutes when the bedroom door opened. Namjoon, who was writing down potential lyrics in his notebook, looked up, expecting to see Yoongi. Instead, Seokjin was standing there, looking somewhat nervous.

"Hi," he said. "You're good at composing songs, right?"

Namjoon stared at him in surprise. Was Seokjin really asking him for help? "Uh, yeah. I mean, Yoongi's better, but-"

"I'm talking about you, not Yoongi. Anyway, could you please help me? I'm no good at composing."

"How have you managed to do the other projects?"

"I usually don't do a very good job. Once I got this girl named Lisa to help me, and there was this one time when one of my internet friends made a beat for me, but other than that I usually don't do particularly well. So do you think you could help me, since you're here?"

"Yeah... sure, I'll help you." Namjoon still didn't know why Seokjin was being so nice and friendly after the incident, and he didn't know why the older boy completely hid his emotions when he was in public, but he supposed that helping Seokjin would be a good way to be forgiven, so he agreed.

----------

The night after Taehyung had moved away, Seokjin had sought comfort from his parents. He had walked into their bedroom late that evening, long after he was supposed to be asleep, and sat there on the end of their bed and cried. They had tried to comfort him, but it had felt half-assed and Seokjin had a sneaking suspicion that they were disappointed in their teenage son because he still needed hugs and cuddles despite being in ninth grade. It had just made him feel even worse, and he had returned to his own bed and cried himself to sleep, but not before silently vowing to be more mature so they would respect him more.

Chapter Text

"So, what kind of feeling do you want your song to have?" Namjoon asked. "What kind of emotion?"

"Longing," Seokjin replied immediately. "It's a song about longing."

"Alright. We'll go with a sad sound, probably pretty soft... what's the song about?"

"I won't tell you all the details, but it's about a boy who desperately wants a certain person to love him," Seokjin explained. "He's constantly doing everything he can to impress that person, but he doesn't get the love he's looking for, so he decides to change himself. He hides his real personality behind a mask and practically becomes a whole new person but... in the end he still isn't loved and it was all in vain but by then his fake personality has become a habit so he continues to act like someone else and all the while he's slowly breaking inside-" He broke off, and the look on his face suggested that he thought he had said too much. Namjoon remembered that this song was supposed to be very meaningful to the person writing it, so the story of a boy changing himself for love must be significant to Seokjin. Perhaps this song's story was the answer to the mystery of his personality (or lack thereof). This softer side he was showing right now supported that hypothesis, and Namjoon suddenly felt even worse about what he had said last week. 

Maybe he fell in love with someone who didn't like him back so he decided to become a different person. But why? ...He would have had to really love that person for that to happen.

Seokjin's voice abruptly jolted Namjoon out of his thoughts. "Hey," the older boy was saying, "can we go somewhere else? Yoongi told me to do my own project and I'm pretty sure he'll get mad at me if he finds out about you helping me. And if there's anything I've learned over the past week, it's that angry Yoongi is no fun to be around."

"Yeah, angry Yoongi is awful," Namjoon agreed. "My roommate's actually even scarier but he's usually in a good mood, thank god. Anyway, yeah, we can go to my apartment. Come on." He gathered up his things and the two of them set out.

------------

They walked in silence for a few minutes, but then they passed one of the many tiny student houses that lined the street they were on. The house itself was an unimpressive yellow color, but the small front yard contained a particularly pretty azalea bush with vibrant pink flowers. Seokjin immediately ran over and picked a flower and put it in his hair before returning to the sidewalk. Namjoon stared at him in shock, unable to process the fact that Kim Seokjin had just picked a flower from some random person's yard and was now wearing it in his hair like some sort of flower fairy. This was so insanely different from the apathetic boy he thought he knew. Namjoon decided that he liked this version of Seokjin much better than the other one.

Namjoon's apartment building was a boring white one, and Namjoon personally thought that it was a jarring change from the cute colorful houses just down the street. Seokjin stopped and stared up at it.

"You live here? Really? It's so ugly. I can get you a better place to live if you want. At the very least, the people managing this place should make more of an effort to make it look good. I personally think it would look nice in a brick red color with white trim, don't you think?"

Namjoon shrugged. "This was the best thing I could afford. I mean, I won't be here for that long, so it doesn't really matter very much, y'know? So I don't really care how it looks. It's got everything I need to survive."

They walked inside, and Seokjin (unsuccessfully) tried to suppress a little cry of horror at how awful the carpet in the halls looked. "It doesn't match the walls at all," he complained. "Honestly, whose idea was this?!"

"I don't know. Speaking of stupid ideas, do you know why we only have the weekend to work on this project?"

"It's probably a test," Seokjin replied. "I bet Mr. Choi wants to see if we can make a meaningful song in a short period of time."

"Yeah, you're probably right," Namjoon said as they waited for the elevator. "Damn, this stupid elevator is always so sl-" The door, which he had been tapping on with one hand, slid open, and he lost his balance and barely managed to keep himself from falling over entirely. Seokjin laughed. His laugh sounded more like a window being cleaned than anything else, and Namjoon had started giggling as well by the time he had pressed the button to go to the fourth floor.

They ended up sitting on Namjoon's messy bedroom floor, working quietly. The silence was only punctuated by the work-in-progress music and a bit of discussion about it. Namjoon was explaining what he was doing at one point, and then he looked up to make sure Seokjin was paying attention, and that was when Namjoon realized how pretty Seokjin's face was. Up close, Namjoon could see in perfect detail his long eyelashes and the soft curves of his lips and the angles of his face and jawline and the way the laptop screen was reflected in his dark eyes. Namjoon suddenly found himself mesmerized by his classmate's striking appearance, and he must have been staring too long because Seokjin said, "yes, I know I'm beautiful, but we need to get back to work," and the spell was broken and Namjoon was flustered beyond belief.

----------

Other than helping Seokjin with his project, Namjoon didn't see much of the older boy over the weekend. But then they had class together on Monday and Seokjin was once again acting like he didn't even know what emotions were. Namjoon watched him curiously, remembering that he could very well be getting an explanation in song form as to why he was always like that during class. Seokjin glanced over and made eye contact with Namjoon, and the corners of his lips turned upward in the faintest hint of a smile before he turned away again. 

Their professor - Mr. Choi - always had his students present their songs to the whole class, and Namjoon always stood there awkwardly in front of everyone else as his song played. This time, as his song that was not-so-subtly begging for forgivness for the things he had said to Seokjin a week ago played, he noticed that Seokjin was once again smiling slightly. Namjoon smiled back and then prepared himself for the two or three questions Mr. Choi would be asking him once the song ended. 

But then, after a few more songs, it was Seokjin's turn to present and Namjoon was a bit more excited than he should have been. The song played, and Namjoon noticed that a few small changes had been made to the music. It sounded good. He had heard Seokjin sing before; there had been several projects before this one in which the songs they were composing had to have lyrics. But in this song, his voice was filled with the longing he had insisted the song was about. The raw emotion in his voice was astounding. It was beautiful. The lyrics, however, stung Namjoon's heart. 

The song was being sung from a third-person point of view, making Namjoon wonder if it was actually about someone else, and the story wasn't what Namjoon had expected. Instead of being about a boy and his unrequited love interest, it was about a son and his distant, unappreciative father.

After the song was over, a girl asked what the boy's name was. Seokjin looked her dead in the eye (which seemed to fluster her quite a bit) and said, "Kim Seokjin." 

Chapter Text

The girl's eyes widened in shock. Several people muttered to each other. Seokjin suddenly looked very uncomfortable. 

"Is this about you?" Mr. Choi asked. "Is this your story?"

Seokjin turned to meet his gaze. "Yes," he said coolly. "It is."

"Oh." Mr. Choi frowned. "That sounds awful. Now, er, on to the composition of the song."

Seokjin's attitude changed instantly. "That didn't sound particularly genuine," he said, suddenly angry. "Do you not care about the emotions of your students? Is that it? Is the composition of my song the only thing that matters to you?"

"No, no, that's not it," Mr. Choi replied quickly. "It's just that we still have several presentations to get through and I have a few more questions for you. We can talk about this after class if you'd like-"

"No," Seokjin interrupted. "I don't want to talk about it after class." He turned and looked at his peers. "Does anyone have anything more considerate to say?"

"Wow," the guy sitting next to Namjoon - Choi Seungho - said. "I guess he does have emotions. Too bad he still seems like an asshole, though."

"He's not an asshole," Namjoon replied. "He's actually nice to be around once he lowers his guard a bit."

"I thought you hated him too," Seungho said. "What, are you two friends now?"

"Kinda. I'm not sure exactly what he thinks of me, but we're on good terms at the very least. I'm actually kind of surprised. He has a pretty good reason to hate me, but he seems like he's forgiven me. It's only been a week," he added before turning his attention back to the front of the room, where Seokjin was being bombarded with questions and comments.

"So your parents give you everything but don't care about you?" A girl was asking.

"Why'd they have a kid if they didn't want to deal with one?" A familiar-looking boy with bubblegum-pink hair (Namjoon could never remember his name) added. Seokjin looked uncomfortable again. The questions continued.

"Can you get your dad to buy me a cool car?" Someone in the back asked hopefully. Seokjin glared at the person.

"Does that still count as child neglect?" The pink-haired boy asked. "I mean, if you were given plenty of physical things and necessities but no real emotional support or attention, does that still mean your family neglected you?"

"Why would your dad buy you all that fancy shit if he doesn't care about you?" Someone else chimed in.

"Could you at least ask your dad if he could buy me a private jet? Because that would be super cool," the person in the back said. "Ooh, or maybe a yacht. I would love that."

"Why'd you make a song about this if you didn't want to answer our questions?"

Seokjin clenched and unclenched his fists repeatedly and then finally walked to his seat, grabbed his bag, and hurried out of the room without another word. After a moment of stunned silence, Namjoon scrambled up and ran after him, leaving his things behind. Mr. Choi yelled for them both to come back, but neither one listened.

"Seokjin!" Namjoon called. "Seokjin, wait!" He hurried to catch up to the older boy.

"Don't talk to me," Seokjin muttered, avoiding eye contact. "I'm not a good person to be around. You had a valid reason to hate me, you know."

Namjoon was astounded by the change in his behavior. Just a little while ago he had almost smiled during class, and two times at that. Now he was acting incredibly antisocial. The questions (especially the ones asked by that person in the back) must have really affected him.

"That wasn't a valid reason," Namjoon argued. "You didn't actually deserve that. And I think that even more strongly now that I know more about you." Seokjin responded by quickening his pace, and Namjoon sped up as well to keep up with him. "Why are you running away from me?" He asked. "I'm just trying to help you."

"I'm running away because- because I-" Seokjin broke off with a sigh. "Look, I don't know. I guess I'm just done with interacting with people. Those questions were-" His voice cracked, and he stopped talking again. Namjoon could see tears shimmering in his eyes. "I'm not actually sure where I'm going," he said after a moment. "Yoongi's probably home, and I don't want to cry in front of him. Taehyung has class... I don't have anywhere to hide. Actually, forget this conversation. I'm not about to cry. I don't cry. I have no reason to cry. I mean, I'm Kim Seokjin! I have everything I could ever want! Absolutely everything!" His voice cracked again. He stopped trying to pretend or maybe convince himself he was fine and his shoulders slumped.

"Here," Namjoon said. "Follow me." He gently grabbed Seokjin's arm and led him off down the sidewalk. Surpisingly enough, Seokjin didn't protest and simply followed Namjoon. They ended up at Namjoon's apartment, and Namjoon was still wondering why Seokjin had just let Namjoon take him there. He looked at the older boy's face for a moment, though, and realized why. He hadn't argued because he was just too upset to do so. 

They sat on Namjoon's couch in silence for quite some time. Seokjin kept trying to blink back tears, and when he failed he would quickly wipe the tears away with the back of his hand. 

"You can cry, you know," Namjoon told him. "It's okay. I won't judge you."

Seokjin didn't respond for several moments. Eventually, he sighed and leaned against Namjoon. "I'm the mistake of the family," he said quietly. "My parents wanted my brother, but not me. I was an accident." Those words were like opening a dam; they were enough to send him over the edge, and he started crying for real. Namjoon pulled him into a comforting hug.

"I know we're still not very close," he said gently, "and I know I was a dick, but I don't hate you anymore. A bunch of things have happened over the past week that made me actually like you. Like, when I saw you acting like a real person in front of Taehyung. That was when I realized that you're actually just as human as anybody else. And then the next morning Yoongi texted me and said that you were still being cold but you had made him breakfast, which is a really nice thing to do for someone you barely know. And working with you on your song was really cool, too. It was nice seeing that side of you, y'know? And then actually hearing what your song was about... I think I sort of understand you now. I actually get why you act the way you do. I... I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I respect you now, and I don't think of you as a mistake."

"Yes, but my parents do," Seokjin sobbed. "And- and they have for as long as I can remember. They just bought me everything I asked for but never appreciated me. They always praised my brother but just said 'that's nice, Seokjin' to me! And I tried so hard! I just wanted to make my family proud, a-and they never acknowledged me! Th-there was nothing I could do to make them proud of me! Nothing at all!" At that point, he stopped talking and simply cried into Namjoon's shoulder. Namjoon's heart broke into a million pieces at the sight of his normally cold, stoic classmate sobbing hysterically in his arms. 

"I'm sure they love you at least a little bit," Namjoon said. "I'm sure they care about you."

"No, they don't," Seokjin wailed. "I'm a disappointment! I never do anything right! They've never been happy with me, ever! No matter what I've done! I've tried everything! Absolutely everything! And they still don't appreciate me! It was all for nothing!"

"It's okay," Namjoon murmured. "You're not a disappointment. I barely even know you and I don't think you're a disappointment. And you've got Taehyung now, remember? You have friends who care about you-"

"Not really," Seokjin interrupted. "I really only have Taehyung and maybe you. Everyone else always seems to either want to be my friend because of my money and nothing else, or they want to fuck me, or they think I'm a dick. I really only have a couple real friends." He drew in a long, shaky breath. "My personality drives everyone away. Until last week, I had no one. I was alone, Namjoon! I had no real friends until Taehyung came back! ...Money can't buy love and respect, you know. I learned that when I was really young. My brother was always more important to my parents. He was the one they wanted, not me. They wanted a son who'll be successful and who's smart and good at academic things, not a son who's soft and emotional and wants to be an actor and likes cooking and singing! But... I'm the kind of son they didn't want. I'm the kid who only exists because condoms don't always work. I'm the person who can't follow my dreams. I'm a failure, Namjoon. A complete, total failure. I literally have no redeeming qualities! Why wouldn't I be a failure? I can't do anything that'll make my parents proud of me!"

"I'm sure you can do something. What do you like to do?"

Seokjin wiped away a tear. "Acting," he said sadly. "I really like acting. I also like singing, cooking, and eating."

"If you like acting, do that," Namjoon said. "Do what makes you happy. Any self-respecting parent will appreciate their kid's happiness more than they appreciate their kid's job. If you want to be an actor, go ahead."

"I don't want to be an actor, though," Seokjin replied. "I mean, I do, but I also want to take over the family business, which will make my parents proud and I think that's a higher priority."

"If that's the case, then your priorities are very skewed. Seokjin, you need to do what makes you happy. Your feelings matter. You matter."

Seokjin's eyes widened and he stared at Namjoon for a second before bursting into tears again. He clung to Namjoon's hoodie and sobbed, trying and failing to form coherent sentences as he did. Namjoon wondered why that had made him cry. 

"What did I do?" Namjoon asked, worried that something he'd said had offended Seokjin. "Are you okay?"

Seokjin tried to calm himself down enough to talk. After a moment, he looked up at Namjoon with wide, tear-filled eyes and finally spoke. "Y-you said I matter. Nobody's ever told me that before," he said. "Ever."

"Not even Taehyung?"

"No. I think he just assumed I already knew that or something. But... this has to be a joke. Why else would someone I don't really know very well say that to me?"

"Because it's true," Namjoon said. "You really do matter." He rested his hands on Seokjin's shoulders and looked into his eyes. "You matter," he repeated. "You're valid. You're important. You're loved. Believe me." He pulled Seokjin into another hug. 

"I never thought anyone would ever say that to me," Seokjin admitted. "Having people tell me things like that was always just sort of a fantasy for me. I didn't think it would actually happen."

"You poor thing," Namjoon murmured. "How have you survived for so long without things like love and approval? Those are such important things. Have you really gone through life without them?"

"Yeah." Seokjin rested his head on Namjoon's chest. Namjoon reached up to run one hand through his soft black hair, and he abruptly looked up. "Why are you touching my hair?"

"Sorry," Namjoon said as he moved his hand back to where it had been gently rubbing Seokjin's shoulder. "My mom used to do that to me when I was upset, so I just kinda did that without thinking. Sorry about that."

Seokjin frowned up at Namjoon for a second more, and then he went back to burying his face in Namjoon's chest. "I wish my mom had done something like that," he said quietly. "But I never had anyone who would hug me and comfort me until I was in fourth grade and I met Taehyung. And even then... he was the only one. Not even my brother would do that. It was only Taehyung. I didn't realize how much I needed that kind of support until I met him." He was quiet for a long moment. "Thank you," he said finally. "This is really helping me. It's nice to get my feelings out."

Namjoon smiled. "Yeah, crying and talking about how you feel are both really good for your health. Hey, hang on a moment." He pulled out his phone and quickly texted Yoongi.

Namjoon

As his roommate you should be qualified to tell me whether or not Seokjin's a cool guy

Yoongi

Yeah he's cool. The problem with seokjin is that he's like a game and taehyung is an expansion pack that we've gotten and so taehyung is now an addon to seokjin and the file is corrupted so we can't uninstall him

Namjoon

?

Yoongi

Taehyung is annoying and I can't get him to go away

Namjoon

um this is about Seokjin not Taehyung

Yoongi

Seokjin on his own is cool but he's almost always with taehyung who's annoying

Yoongi

But like endearingly annoying? Idk how to describe it but he's cool and that's partially what annoys me about him

Yoongi

Like he's super chill but also loud and full of energy. I didn't even know humans could have that much energy

Namjoon

dude this isn't about Taehyung

Namjoon

tell me about Seokjin on his own

Yoongi

I don't really interact with him much when he's on his own though. He usually hides in his room or cooks

Yoongi

I think he's singlehandedly kept me from starving though

Yoongi

You know how I usually forget to eat because I'm working and so I survive on snacks and whatever you and hobi bring me? Well seokjin has literally dragged me out of my room on three separate occasions because I told him I was too busy to eat and so I respect him for that

Namjoon

Yes but what about his personality

Yoongi

He's not the emotionless dick we thought he was. Without taehyung around he's just quiet and reserved and with taehyung he's a huge dork who's actually pretty fun to be around

Yoongi

Also he respects my boundaries (unlike you and hoseok) and doesn't bother me unless he wants me to eat dinner so that's cool

Namjoon

Do you think he's a good person?

Yoongi

There's no such thing as a good person or a bad person, joon. You can't be all good or all bad. People aren't like that. But if that was a thing, yes seokjin is a good person

Yoongi

I mean I like him and you know how I am

Namjoon

And he's talented and important and valid and deserves to be loved?

Yoongi

Yes. Everyone is talented and important and valid and deserves to be loved except hitler

Yoongi

Why are you asking me all this?

Namjoon

Just wondering what you thought of him

Yoongi

Sounds suspicious but okay

Namjoon put his phone away. Seokjin, who had been looking at the screen as well, looked up. "What was that about?" He asked.

"Yoongi thinks you're cool," Namjoon replied. "That's saying something. He doesn't really like people very much, you know."

Seokjin smiled and then frowned. "He thinks Taehyung's annoying, though."

"He thinks everyone's annoying."

"Oh." He was silent for a moment. "You know, I tried to kill myself after Taehyung moved away," he said quietly. "But I found a note that stopped me. I was about to jump off my roof. And... I kept hesitating. I was scared to do it. So I just started fidgeting with this necklace-" He reached into his shirt and pulled out a silver heart-shaped pendant that was attached to the thin silver chain Namjoon always saw around his neck. It was very simple, with the only details being the smaller heart potruding from the top like some sort of strange clasp and the words Jin and Tae forever, which were engraved into the main heart. Namjoon thought it was pretty.

"Did Taehyung give that to you?"

"Yeah. He had it custom-made. His dad makes jewelry." He paused. "And... and I was fidgeting with it as I tried to make myself jump. And then it popped open and I realized it was a locket and there was a note inside." He carefully tugged at the smaller heart and, after a bit of effort, it opened. There was a piece of paper that was folded into the shape of a heart wedged inside. Seokjin pulled it out and unfolded it. I'm gonna miss you, hyung, it read. And I know you're gonna miss me. But I want you to stay strong and live life happily, and I promise I'll find you someday. We'll see each other again. Love, Taetae. "This note made me want to keep living," Seokjin said. "I was about to kill myself, and this saved me. It gave me hope." He carefully folded it back into the heart shape and put it back into the locket, which he then closed and tucked back into his shirt. "And I kept hoping. I thought that someday I would be reunited with Taehyung, and in the end you were the one who made that happen. I forgave you partially because you brought Taehyung back to me. I got to see my best friend again because of you." He wiped away his tears and smiled up at Namjoon. "So... thank you. Thank you so much."

They sat there in silence for a moment. Seokjin was trying to get his emotions under control again and Namjoon was still holding him, being careful not to do anything that might make his classmate uncomfortable like touching his hair, which he clearly hadn't liked. But, of course, Namjoon found himself resting one hand on Seokjin's thigh. The older boy's head shot up and he opened his mouth to speak, and Namjoon quickly moved his hand.

"Sorry," he said awkwardly. "That just kinda... happened. I didn't mean to do that. Um, you have nice thighs?"

Seokjin's expression morphed from a confused and maybe slightly uncomfortable one to a smile that was accompanied by his squeaky laugh. "Thanks," he said. "But have you seen the son of the guy who owns my apartment? Park Jimin? He's in our music class and has pink hair-"

"That's who he is," Namjoon exclaimed. "I knew he looked really familiar but I guess I didn't make the connection. And I talked to him when Taehyung and I were looking for you last week. He even said his name. I can't believe I didn't recognize him."

Seokjin shrugged. "Yeah, his name's Jimin. He's friends with Yoongi."

"That makes sense. I knew Yoongi was friends with the building manager's son, so that would be Jimin. Uh, sorry for grabbing your thigh?"

Seokjin shrugged again and went back to sitting quietly. Namjoon pulled out his phone (again) and texted Hoseok.

Namjoon

um help 

Hoseok

dude i'm in class and you should be too

Namjoon

but this is kinda serious-ish

Hoseok

okay go

Hoseok

what's the problem

Namjoon

so I just kinda

Namjoon

accidentally grabbed Seokjin's thigh

Namjoon

and he laughed it off but we don't know each other that well and I'm afraid it was creepy and before you say anything it was an accident I swear

Hoseok

how do you accidentally grab someone's thigh

Namjoon

long story

Hoseok

tell me later or i will sue you

Namjoon

okay but what do I do

Hoseok

if he laughed it off you're probably good but

Hoseok

WAIT

Hoseok

seokjin laughed?

Namjoon

yes and he also smiled at me earlier

Hoseok

1) i knew there was a real person in there 2) he smiled at you of all people? wow he must be on some powerful drugs lmao

Hoseok

in all seriousness HOW DID YOU ACCIDENTALLY GRAB HIS THIGH I NEED ANSWERS NAMJOON

Namjoon

I'll explain later

Hoseok

you better

Hoseok

also if he laughed it off and you apologized it's probably all good just move on

Namjoon

okay thanks

Hoseok

no problem now i gotta go class just ended

Namjoon put his phone away and looked down at Seokjin, who had been looking at Namjoon's phone again and giggling a bit. The older boy wriggled out of Namjoon's arms and stood up. 

"I should go," he said. "Thank you for being so nice to me. Do I look like I've been crying?"

"A little," Namjoon said, "but it could pass for allergies and it's not really that noticeable anyway." 

Seokjin leaned down to give Namjoon a quick hug. "Thanks so much," he whispered. "But don't tell anyone about this. Not even Hoseok. If you tell anyone I'll kill you, because Kim Seokjin doesn't cry. Got it?"

"Got it," Namjoon replied. "Have fun going wherever you're going. Oh, I have to get my stuff. Our class is almost over too, though, so I'll just go in a few minutes."

Seokjin gave him a puzzled glance as he picked up his things and turned to leave. "Why are you telling me your plans to get your stuff?" He asked.

Namjoon shrugged. "I don't know. I tend to do that. Anyway, have a nice day." He smiled, and Seokjin smiled back before turning and leaving the apartment. Namjoon flopped down onto his side and proceeded to play games on his phone until Hoseok arrived.

"Hi," Hoseok said. "What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?" He sat down on Namjoon's legs, earning a grunt from his friend. "Did you flee in shame after accidentally grabbing Seokjin's thigh?"

"Hoseok, I texted you because you have nonconsensually grabbed Yoongi and I many times and therefore probably know how to react when you grab someone's leg on accident. I mean, my hand was really just resting on his thigh, but it was pretty close to a grab, so..."

Hoseok laughed. "Nonconsensually grabbed is the best phrase I have ever heard in the same sentence as my name," he said. Anyway, why are you back here so early and why, in the name of all that is holy, was your hand resting on Kim Seokjin's thigh?"

"It's a long story, okay?!" 

"Well, we've got a while."

Namjoon shook his head. "He told me not to tell anyone about it."

"But I'm your best friend," Hoseok pleaded. "And I can keep secrets."

"Yeah, but I feel like my friendship with Seokjin is like... trying to walk on eggshells without breaking them. It feels really delicate, and I don't want to lose-"

"Wait," Hoseok interrupted. "You two are friends now?"

"Uh, I think so. At the very least, we're music buddies and I'm sort of his secondary confidant."

"Secondary confidant?" Hoseok echoed. "He trusts you enough for that?"

"I'm not sure if he really had much of a choice," Namjoon replied vaguely. "But yeah, he trusted me enough to tell me some really personal stuff."

"Oh, I see. That would also explain why he wouldn't want you to tell anyone else. Anyway, what's he like? Yoongi says he's cool, and if you went from hating him to being his secondary confidant within a week, he must be a pretty nice guy. I told you he's actually a person."

"Stop reminding me of that," Namjoon said. "I still feel really bad about being such a dick. Oh, and he's pretty cool once he lets his guard down a little. The other day I was helping him with a music project and we were working on it here and on the way here he picked a flower from someone's yard and put it in his hair. He's a really different person in more casual environments with only a couple people."

"Well, then," Hoseok replied. "I guess I'll have to talk to him. That's probably easy if he's Yoongi's roommate."

"Yeah. You've met Taehyung, right?"

Hoseok nodded. "I've run into him a few times. He recognizes me as a friend of you and Yoongi, so he was pretty glad to meet me. I have his number, in fact."

"Okay. We'll just either call him or head over to Yoongi's apartment later and hope Seokjin's there. Now, um, I have to get my stuff. I left it in Mr. Choi's class."

Hoseok started laughing hysterically. "Good going, Joon-ah," he cried. "What wonderful foresight! Don't worry, I'll go with you," he added after he calmed down a bit.

But, naturally, when they arrived at Namjoon's music class, his stuff wasn't there. Mr. Choi told them that Park Jimin had taken it with him, but he wasn't quite sure where Jimin had gone.

"Damn," Namjoon muttered.

"Not to fear," Hoseok said. "I think Jimin's friends with Yoongi. We'll find your stuff. Come on, Namjoon! We have-" he paused for dramatic effect- "a mission!"

Namjoon sighed. "Yeah," he said. "Sure." As they left the building and went to go hunt down Jimin, Namjoon found his thoughts flicking back to Seokjin. He seemed to have calmed down back when we were talking, he thought, but is he really okay in the long run?

Chapter Text

Part of Seokjin had always known this would happen, but he always just pushed that part away. He had never wanted to think about what would happen when he just couldn't take it anymore. He had never wanted to think about what would happen when the emotions he had so carefully suppressed finally exploded out of him like a volcanic eruption. And yet here he was, walking home after telling everything to Kim Namjoon, the person who had brutally insulted him a week ago. Now it felt like his whole music class knew practically everything about him, and the way he had just stormed away after everyone had asked him all those questions certainly wasn't going to make people see him as anything more than an asshole and a coward.

Seokjin hated that realization. He hated the way he had just let his emotions take control of his actions. In all honesty, he hated himself as a whole.

"Hey," a voice said, jolting him out of his thoughts. Seokjin looked up to see Moon Seunghoon - one of his music classmates - standing on the sidewalk in front of him, arms crossed. 

"Hello," Seokjin replied cautiously. He tried to walk around Seunghoon, but his classmate reached out and grabbed the front of Seokjin's shirt. Seokjin attempted to free himself from Seunghoon's grasp, but his attempts were futile.

"So you think you're special enough that you can walk out of class whenever you feel like it, huh?" The boy demanded. "Just because you have daddy issues and you're rich and pretty and somehow seduced Namjoon?" Seokjin only glared at him in an imperious way that hopefully conveyed a demand to be released. He knew that if he spoke his voice would betray how afraid he really was of Seunghoon. There was a long silence. Seunghoon raised an eyebrow. His gaze flicked to the silver chain around Seokjin's neck. He grabbed it with his free hand, and Seokjin resisted the urge to smack his hand away.

"Leave me alone," he said firmly, hoping his voice wasn't shaking too much. Seunghoon was examining the pendant now, though, and his eyebrows raised again.

"Would you look at that," he sneered. "It's a heart. Jin and Tae forever. How sweet. And girly. So very, very girly. Fucking faggot. Although-" he turned the necklace over in his hand- "I think I'll take this. Maybe my girlfriend would like it." He looked into Seokjin's eyes, searching for a reaction. Seokjin was determined not to give him one. Seunghoon shrugged and suddenly yanked at the necklace. The chain dug into the back of Seokjin's neck and then there was a snapping sound and Seunghoon was pulling the necklace, which was now broken, away. 

Seokjin thought about how Taehyung had gotten the necklace made just for him, and he thought about how it had saved his life and given him hope. Seunghoon was smirking at him, holding up the necklace. It glinted in the light. Seunghoon kept jeering and taunting him. Seokjin's hands curled into fists. His blood boiled. Seunghoon saw the reaction and released Seokjin's shirt, continuing to smirk as he did so.

The smirk was wiped clean off his face as Seokjin's fist connected with his jaw. Seunghoon took a step back, astonished. The necklace slipped from his hand and fell to the ground. Seokjin tried to grab it, but Seunghoon recovered quickly from the shock of having someone fight back against him and the next thing Seokjin knew Seunghoon had grabbed his hair and was yanking his head up. Seunghoon's fist collided with Seokjin's face again and again, and Seokjin finally understood what it meant to see stars. He desperately reached out from where Seunghoon was sort of forcing him to kneel while he got his face bashed in and wrapped his fingers around Seunghoon's leg. Seunghoon hesitated, confused, and Seokjin grabbed him with the hand that had previously been trying to deflect his classmate's blows. Then, having both hands gripping Seunghoon's leg, he pulled, and Seunghoon lost his balance and toppled to the ground. Seokjin reached for the necklace. Seunghoon suddenly smacked his hand to the ground and held it there. 

Seunghoon pulled out his phone and snapped a picture before saying, "nice fingers." A jolt of horror shot through Seokjin; he always kept his fingers at least slightly bent so people wouldn't be able to see that they were crooked, and now Seunghoon had a picture which he was undoubtedly going to send to people. 

"Don't you fucking dare," Seokjin growled. Seunghoon grinned and abruptly sat on top of him, causing him to fall from where he had been on his hands and knees in what was probably the worst kind of way and flop into a position in which one hand was pinned under his body at a very strange angle and the other was still uselessly reaching for the necklace. He could barely breathe like this, and he was powerless to stop Seunghoon from sending the picture to an immense number of people as well as posting it on Instagram. "Stop," he gasped. "Please don't. Y-you're so immature."

"And you're a loser," Seunghoon retorted. He put his phone away and stood up. Seokjin scrambled to his feet, and Seunghoon immediately kicked him in the stomach. Seokjin let out a cry of pain and crumpled to the ground again. Seunghoon kicked his side and he rolled over to pull him to the ground a second time, but before he could do anything Seunghoon's foot hit Seokjin in the chest and he gasped. Seunghoon kicked him again and then dragged him to his feet and, grabbing his shirt again, started punching him more.

"Why are you doing this to me?" Seokjin cried. "What the hell did I ever do to you?" He punched Seunghoon in the nose, and was promptly flung to the ground. His head hit the concrete and his vision blurred. Seunghoon stomped on his necklace and then picked him up and flung him into the bushes beside the sidewalk before triumphantly marching away down the street.

Seokjin couldn't get up. Everything hurt too much. He was in so much pain. Even breathing hurt, and he hoped Seunghoon hadn't broken any of his ribs. The logical part of him told him he needed to get up and go to the hospital or something, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He could feel blood trickling from his nose and staining the designer jacket he was wearing, but that didn't matter to him. He could always get a new jacket. He groaned and tried to sit up, but damn that was painful. His vision was blurry even though he was wearing his contacts. The head injury and his tears made it difficult to see anything, but he somehow managed to get his phone out of his pocket and send a barely comprehensible text to Taehyung.

Jin

taehuubg he.p  e

It didn't make much sense, but he was fighting to stay conscious and he couldn't see the screen very well, so he decided that it was justified and Taehyung would figure it out.

Tae

hyung? r u ok?

Jin

no tae o nerd hekp pls hueey

Tae

hyung ur not making any sense. where r u

Tae

have u been drugged?

Jin

np eerythung hurts

Tae

hyung you're really scaring me

Jin

plesse i need  elp

Jin

taw help me

Tae

what happened and where are you

Jin

i

Jin

buahes sort od closr to my aptmny

Tae

hyung that doesn't make sense

Jin

plants

Tae

plants?

Jin

yes palnts by mt apartmnet

Tae

there are lots of plants by your apartment which ones are you talking about

Jin

bushe down hte sreeet

Jin

by the sidwalk

Tae

bushes down the street by the sidewalk? 

Jin

yea

Tae

please be more specific??

Jin

idk just h lp mr

Tae

WHAT. HAPPENED

Jin

suenghion

Tae

what is suenghion

Jin

he fout me

Tae

found? fought? jin please elaborate so i can help you

It was getting harder and harder to stay awake. Seokjin told himself to stay conscious, but it was hard. So hard. He was afraid he would die if he closed his eyes even for a second, and he wanted Taehyung to come get him before that happened, but he couldn't see the screen very well to type or read his best friend's replies and his hands were shaking so much it was hard to type and his head was throbbing just like everything else and he just wanted the pain to go away. He wanted to rest but was too afraid, and it felt like his body didn't care about that fear. 

Jin

tae i don thimk i can stay awake sny lobger pls hurru

Tae

JIN

Tae

STAY AWAKE

Tae

i dont know what happened but you need to stay awake, okay? that's always a good thing.

Tae

please jin i dont want to lose you

Tae

jin why arent you replying

Jin

help

Tae

where are you jin

Tae

you're not dying right?

Tae

jin

Tae

JIN

Tae

oh my god

Seokjin couldn't keep himself awake. He managed to type out one more message before his eyes slid closed and the world turned black.

Jin

he brokr th nexklacd im sorty goofnite taetse

Tae

JIN 

Tae

PLEASE DONT TELL ME YOURE DYING

Tae

SEOKJIN

Tae

oh god please reply 

Tae

hyung this better be a prank

Tae

oh god

Tae

jin please

Tae

come on hyung dont you dare die

Tae

JIN PLEASE RESPOND

Tae

IM REALLY SCARED NOW

Tae

im gonna text yoongi and if he doesnt know where you are i think ill have a heart attack

Tae

fuck he doesnt know JIN WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU 

Tae

PLEASE DONT DIE HYUNG WE ALREADY LOST EACH OTHER ONCE I DONT WANT IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN

Tae

JIN PLEASE

Tae

JIN

----------

Seokjin thought he could hear music playing. No, scratch that- he could definitely hear music playing. It was an 8-bit version of the original Pokemon theme song. His ringtone.

"Seokjin?" Someone said. "Oh god, Seokjin-"

"What? What happened? Wait, holy shit. What the fuck happened to him?!"

Someone grabbed Seokjin's shoulder and gently shook him. He groaned, and there were several sighs of relief. Seokjin wondered if he was alive. Maybe he wasn't. Maybe he was in hell. There was the sound of a phone camera, and someone asked someone else why they had taken a picture.

"In case we need evidence for a lawsuit. Is he conscious?"

"Maybe," someone else said. Seokjin knew most of these voices, but he couldn't quite place them. The person who had said maybe spoke again. "Seokjin?" The voice asked. "Are you okay? Can you hear me?" There was a pause. Seokjin only groaned. "Seokjin-ssi," the voice said. "Wake up."

"Jungkook," another voice said, "you have your phone out. Call an ambulance."

"Got it," the voice of the person who had taken the picture replied. 

"Seokjin, you need to wake up now," the voice of the person who had been talking to Jungkook said. "Come on. Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty."

"Hoseok, this isn't the time for jokes," the voice of the person who had first tried to wake up Seokjin (and was probably the one with their hand on his shoulder) scolded. 

"Yeah," another voice added. "Hey, Seokjin," the person said. "Are you alive?"

Seokjin groaned again. "Everything hurts," he mumbled. "Am I dead?"

"No, you're alive," the person with the hand on his shoulder reassured him. "Can you open your eyes?"

Seokjin obediently blinked his eyes open and found himself staring up at Namjoon, who was leaning over him. "My head hurts," he said. "Namjoon, why are you here?"

"Hoseok and I were on our way to go see Yoongi," Namjoon explained. "Jimin grabbed my stuff and found me right around here. Jungkook's here because he left his school for lunch so he could eat with me. We found your necklace on the ground and decided to return it to you. It's broken, though."

"Who's Jungkook?"

An unfamiliar boy who was talking on the phone waved, and Namjoon explained that he was a high school student who was friends with Namjoon and was present because he was allowed to leave his school for lunch and had come to eat with Namjoon, Hoseok, and Yoongi. Behind Namjoon were Jimin and Hoseok, both of whom looked just as concerned as Namjoon and Jungkook.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Jimin asked.

"Moon Seunghoon attacked me," Seokjin explained. "He punched me and kicked me and sat on me and took a picture of my hand. He also stole the necklace and broke it, and then he threw me onto the ground and I hit my head on the sidewalk so then he threw me into the bushes. Now my whole body hurts." He blinked, and several tears he hadn't even noticed rolled down his cheeks. Namjoon tried to gently wipe them away, but the physical contact hurt and Seokjin flinched.

"Did I hurt you?" Namjoon asked. Seokjin nodded.

"You probably shouldn't have done that," Jimin said. "His face is all bruised up."

"Sorry," Namjoon said.

"I think we should move him out of the bushes and onto the sidewalk," Hoseok spoke up. "That way we can get a better look at his injuries."

Namjoon nodded and turned back to Seokjin. "Can you move on your own or is it too painful?" He asked.

"No. Too painful." Seokjin reached a hand toward Namjoon, noticing that his phone was still laying on the ground in the process. "You can help me, though. You have my permission to help me." Namjoon nodded and looped his arms around Seokjin, who tried to ignore the pain caused by the bruises on his sides and chest being touched. Hoseok helped and together they gently laid Seokjin in a patch of somewhat-cold January sunshine on the sidewalk. 

"I've been given instructions to assess his injuries while we wait for the ambulance to get here," Jungkook reported. "Like, checking for broken bones and stuff."

"I can do that," Jimin said. 

"So can I," Hoseok added. "Namjoon gets seriously injured on a daily basis."

"Okay," Namjoon said. "You two do that. Jungkook, you're staying on the phone, right?"

"Yeah."

"Alright. I'll just try to keep him comfortable." He knelt next to Seokjin and awkwardly rubbed his shoulder. "You'll be okay," he promised. "Don't worry. Everything's gonna be fine." 

"You can touch my hair now," Seokjin told him quietly. "I actually kind of liked it before. I was just confused."

"Namjoon touched your hair too?" Hoseok asked. "Damn, he's getting really affectionate today."

The heat rising to his cheeks made Seokjin's entire face throb, so he decided to ignore Hoseok and just focus on the gentle way Namjoon was brushing his hair out of his eyes. An ambulance arrived after what felt like forever. Seokjin was alive. Everything was okay.

----------

Somehow, Seokjin survived the ordeal with only a concussion and a few bruised ribs. He spent the night at the hospital, and then Taehyung picked him up in the morning and took him back to his apartment.

"I want you to stay in bed as much as possible today," Taehyung told him. "No going to class. You can get up to use the bathroom or get a snack or some water or something, but other than that you need to rest. I'll bring you food. Here's your phone and your 3DS. Text me if you need anything."

Seokjin spent the rest of the day either sleeping or playing games on his 3DS. Eventually, at some point in the afternoon, he started thinking about everything that had happened to him in the past day. The questions his classmates had asked him that had led to him running away, Namjoon comforting him, Seunghoon attacking him... it had all happened, he decided, because he hadn't been able to maintain his cold, apathetic facade. He didn't want to appear apathetic, but he felt like he didn't have a choice. Acting like that was like a bad habit now; he couldn't get himself to stop. And besides, he reasoned, none of this would have happened if he had just acted normal. Even though it made him hate himself even more, he should have kept being cold and stoic. If he had done that, everything would have been fine. If he hadn't fucked up, everything would have been okay. But, Seokjin decided, he himself was a mistake, so naturally everything he did must also be a mistake. Those thoughts were painful, of course, but he believed them. 

"I'm a shitty human being," he muttered to the Mario doll in his hand. "I can't do anything right. I mean, I haven't done anything right yet, so why would I do something right ever?" He sighed. Mario smiled back at him, unblinking. "Look at me," Seokjin continued. "I'm talking to a stuffed doll. Who could be proud of a grown man doing that?" And then a tear rolled down his face as he realized how much he wanted someone to praise him and tell him how amazing he was and tell him how proud they were of him. 

There was a knock on the door, and Yoongi's voice called, "hey, Seokjin, I've been given instructions to hang out with you or something. Taehyung said he doesn't want you to be lonely."

Seokjin sighed. "Okay," he said after a moment. "You can come in." He quickly wiped his tears away, not caring about the physical pain the action caused. Yoongi opened the door and stared around at everything, from the shelves full of video game merchandise to the neglected pair of glasses on Seokjin's bedside table. Finally, his gaze landed on Seokjin himself, and he winced. Seokjin momentarily thought he looked awful and Yoongi was cringing in disgust, but then Yoongi commented on how painful the bruises looked and how hard Seunghoon must have hit him. Yoongi sat down on the bed and was silent for a moment.

"My parents called me," he said finally. His words caused a spark of jealousy to shoot through Seokjin. 

Seokjin pushed the jealousy away. "And?"

"And I told them about how my really cool roommate got beaten to a pulp and was later found by some of my friends. They wanted me to tell you to recover quickly. Those were my dad's exact words, too. Recover quickly." He laughed. 

"Your parents called you for no good reason?" Seokjin asked.

Yoongi nodded. "Yeah. They wanted to talk to me."

"What did you do that made them want to call?" 

"Uh, I just... existed, I guess. They just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. That's what family does, y'know?"

Seokjin stared at him like he'd just grown a second head. "Really?" He asked. "That's supposed to happen?"

"Yeah," Yoongi replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Of course. Why do you ask? Do your parents never call you?"

"No. My dad called me once, when I was a freshman. I got really excited but it turns out he was just asking what classes I was taking and what my major was. He seemed really disappointed when I told him I was an acting major-"

"Wait, you're an acting major? I thought you were a business major!"

"I am," Seokjin explained. "I changed my major so he would be proud of me. And then I called him back and told him the news and he still didn't seem very proud, so I kept trying and then Namjoon told me yesterday to pursue my own dream so now I don't know what to do."

"Namjoon was right," Yoongi said. "You need to follow your own dream. I mean, my parents didn't want me to be a rapper and a producer, but I stayed determined and I'm still following my dreams even if they disagree. In the end, they're proud of me because I refuse to give up. I mean, I'm from a really poor family, so that keep going no matter what attitude is kind of deeply ingrained in me, but I think it applies to anyone."

"So my parents will be proud of me if I don't give up on my own dream?"

"They will if they're even halfway decent. What exactly are you looking for? What kind of response do you want? What kind of reward?"

"I just want my parents to respect me," Seokjin replied. "I want them to be proud of me for once. That would be amazing."

Yoongi frowned. "For once? That implies that they've never been proud of you."

"Exactly. They haven't."

"Well, you need to stay determined. That's the only way you'll get anywhere in life. If you run into a wall, climb the fuck over it. If you fall into a hole, climb out. Don't let anything stop you, and they'll be proud of your determination." He glanced at his phone. "Aw, fuck. I have to meet Hoseok for coffee in five minutes. I've gotta go, Seokjin. See ya. Remember not to give up." He winked before leaving Seokjin alone with his thoughts.

Chapter Text

When Namjoon woke up the next morning, it was because his phone was absolutely blowing up. He groaned sleepily and closed his eyes again, knowing he didn't have to get up for another ten minutes, but then he got another text and finally rolled over and grabbed his phone. The thing that had caused so much noise was a conversation between Yoongi and Hoseok.

Yoongi

So um

Yoongi

I may have just had the most fun I've ever had

Hoseok

ooooh what were you doing? ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Yoongi

So taehyung spent the night at our dorm

Hoseok

did you fuck him??

Yoongi

EW NO

Yoongi

He brought a saxophone

Hoseok

and?

Yoongi

And he decided to wake seokjin up by showing off his epic sax skills

Yoongi 

He's really good but it woke me up so, of course, I went to scold him and I walked in on a concert

Yoongi

Taehyung was absolutely killing it and then seokjin who was SPECIFICALLY TOLD TO REST TODAY TOO got his ass up and LO AND BEHOLD HE HAS A GUITAR

Yoongi

They did a duet before I interrupted 

Hoseok

and why is that fun?

Yoongi

Because I interrupted by telling them to come to my room instead because I obviously can't move my piano and jam the fuck out 

Yoongi

Next thing I knew we were having an impromptu concert and it was LIT AS FUCK

Hoseok

lmao

Hoseok

sounds fun you should have invited me

Yoongi

I didn't think of it, sorry :( so I texted you instead

Yoongi

and also they can both sing rlly well

Hoseok

yeah namjoon said seokjin's voice is angelic

Hoseok

literally he said angelic

Yoongi

when

Hoseok

yesterday

The conversation ended there, and Namjoon was kind of glad, but someone else had texted him specifically instead of both him and Hoseok.

Unknown Number

hi this is namjoon right

Namjoon blinked at it for a moment before replying.

Namjoon

yes...?

Unknown Number

good that means tae gave me the right number

Unknown Number

um this is seokjin by the way

Unknown Number

i probably should have said that before

Unknown Number

sorry

Namjoon

don't worry I probably would have done the same thing

He took a moment to add Seokjin to his contacts, and while he was doing that Hoseok burst into the room.

"Hey," his friend said. "Did you get Yoongi's texts? About the impromptu concert?"

"Yeah," Namjoon replied. "I don't think it's all that special-"

"It might be the best experience of his life," Hoseok argued. "We need to top it. Any ideas?"

Namjoon stared at him, trying to fathom what he was saying. "Hobi, that makes no sense," he said. "Why do you care so much about it?"

Hoseok sighed. "Because I'm jealous, Namjoon," he explained. "I want to be part of some of the most beautiful moments in my friends' lives. I know it probably sounds selfish, but I want to be one of the main things that makes my friends really happy."

Namjoon replied by standing up and giving him a hug. "Don't worry," he reassured him. "It's just one event. You can do all sorts of things. I mean, we're only in college. We've got time to do some fun things with Yoongi."

"Okay," Hoseok replied. "Alright. I'll still plan something else, though. We've all been working pretty hard this year." He smiled and walked out of the room, leaving Namjoon to look at his phone again.

Seokjin

oh, okay

Seokjin

well anyway tae gave me your number

Seokjin

how are you?

Seokjin

hello?

Seokjin

why aren't you replying? did i do something wrong?

Namjoon

no no you're fine

Namjoon

Hoseok was talking to me, that's all. Sorry about that

Seokjin

okay

Seokjin

it's nice not fucking up for once

Namjoon

wait what

Namjoon

are you being serious

Seokjin

yes i always fuck up

Namjoon

stop lying

Seokjin

why are you accusing me of lying i really do fuck up all the time i swear

Namjoon

no you don't

Seokjin

yes i really do

Seokjin

for example:

Namjoon

no

Seokjin

the other day i passed out instead of replying to taehyung and that made him worry 

Namjoon

dude you couldn't help that

Seokjin

I MADE HIM WORRY

Seokjin

but i admit it was nice to have someone worry about me again

Seokjin

anyway all that stuff that happened the other day wouldn't have happened if i had just kept my emotions under wraps LIKE NORMAL so that was also a fuck-up

Seokjin

and there's more too

Seokjin

i let seunghoon take that picture of my fingers and i should have tried to fight him more

Namjoon

I didn't see anything wrong with that pic tho

Seokjin

my fingers

Seokjin

are crooked

Namjoon

yes, and..?

Namjoon

I thought that was a really stupid thing for Seunghoon to try and make fun of you for

Namjoon

I mean they're not ugly or gross or anything and it's not something you can help

Namjoon

tbh I think fingers like that are pretty

Seokjin

i

Namjoon

uh, Seokjin? Are you okay?

Namjoon

dude it's been five minutes since you replied

Namjoon

come back I'm getting worried about you

Seokjin

you and taehyung are the only people who've ever appreciated my hands

Seokjin

thank you

Namjoon

why are you thanking me?

Seokjin

because that made my day a million times better

Seokjin

you two appreciate a disappointment with deformed fingers and knowing that makes me really happy

Namjoon

Seokjin you gotta start thinking more highly of yourself

Namjoon

I mean seriously why is your self-esteem so low? You're handsome and talented and cool and you still think of yourself as a disappointment

Seokjin

yeah because i AM a disappointment 

Namjoon

no you're not

Namjoon

I promise

Namjoon

Seokjin why do you keep taking a long time to respond every time I say something nice

Seokjin

because it makes me really emotional

Seokjin

i know that sounds funny coming from me but it's true

Namjoon

it doesn't sound funny at all

Namjoon

do you get like this every time somebody compliments you?

Seokjin

internally? yes, all the time. externally? it depends on whether or not i trust them

Namjoon

you trust me?

Seokjin

yes

Seokjin

you're one of the best people i've ever met

Namjoon

even after what I said?

Seokjin

you've more than made up for it

Seokjin

this is gonna sound really cheesy but you've done so much for me in the last few days even though we're not that close and you've said some things that have really made me happy and you're now one of the two people in the world that i don't feel like i have to prove anything to and that's really amazing because when i'm around taehyung and now you i feel like even though i'm a disappointment to my family there are still people who aren't disappointed in me and it's just really nice to feel wanted for once

Namjoon stared at the screen. This felt surreal to him; after all, he had hated Seokjin only a week and a half ago and now Seokjin was saying that he trusted Namjoon and felt comfortable around him. They had only really known each other for a few days now, although Namjoon had heard Seokjin talk about how he felt like a mistake and a disappointment and about how his family had never seemed to care about him. Namjoon had seen him cry. Namjoon had seen him display emotions he didn't even seem capable of feeling. But Seokjin knew very little about Namjoon unless he'd heard more from Yoongi or was particularly good at making inferences about peoples' personalities, and yet he still trusted him enough to be sentimental and emotional. It was amazing.

Seokjin

i'm sorry

Seokjin

that was probably too much

Namjoon

no it was perfect

Namjoon

ly fine

Seokjin

what?

Namjoon

as you can tell, I fuck up way more often than you, so don't hate yourself

Seokjin

i doubt you fuck up more than me

Namjoon

me:

-accidentally breaking things or getting hurt (happens on an almost daily basis)

-insulting you

-awkwardly touching your hair and then your thigh (those were both accidents I promise)

-forgetting to turn in two different homework assignments in the last week

-not walking you home the other day, AKA a mistake that led to you getting hurt

-that awkward "I pressed enter too soon rip" moment that just happened

-not helping Hoseok study last month (he got an F on the test he was studying for ;-;)

-not thinking to text Taehyung about you immediately when you got hurt and we found you

-not sending Jungkook back to school on time (he got a detention and said it was worth it but idk)

you:

-wanting to die after Taehyung moved

-hating yourself

Seokjin

no no no i've fucked up way more than that

Namjoon

not that I know of

Seokjin

hm

Seokjin

i don't believe you

Seokjin

do you have class?

Namjoon

FUCK yes I do and I'm really late

Namjoon

are you at your apartment?

Seokjin

yeah. tae told me to rest again today so i'm kinda lonely but that's nothing new

Namjoon

see you in a few minutes

Seokjin

wait what

Namjoon decided that Seokjin was more important than his classes, which was why he headed toward the expensive, fancy apartment building (which Yoongi had said was called Geum-Eun) instead of his first class of the day. Jimin was nowhere to be found in the lobby, which made it feel very empty because that was his go-to hangout spot and he was almost always there when Namjoon walked through the lobby. The halls were empty as well, making the building feel totally abandoned. Namjoon knew it was because people either had classes or were sleeping in, but that didn't make it feel any less weird.

Unsurprisingly, Seokjin answered the door when Namjoon rang the doorbell, and Namjoon stifled a gasp at the sight of the bruises on his face. They were healing, albeit slowly, but they looked strange alongside his fair and otherwise clear skin and, in Namjoon's opinion, still seemed like they would be very painful if someone were to touch them.

The stifled gasp didn't go unnoticed. "What?" Seokjin asked, seeming slightly defensive. "What's wrong?"

"Those bruises look so awful," Namjoon replied sympathetically. "I should have walked you home and protected you so you wouldn't have to be in pain."

"I'm fine now," Seokjin said, relaxing again. "The bruises only hurt if I touch them, and it's not nearly as bad now. Are you worried about me?"

"Of course I'm worried about you," Namjoon replied instantly. "I've been worried about you." He noticed that Seokjin's eyes were red and his eyelashes looked damp. "Are you okay? Were you crying?"

Seokjin replied by grabbing Namjoon's arm and pulling him into the apartment. He closed the door and then walked into the one room Namjoon had never been in before: Seokjin's bedroom. "Come on," he said. "In here."

Namjoon walked into the dimly-lit room and looked around. The shelves that were built into the wall were filled to the brim with various items, mostly video game merchandise. The curtains were closed, leaving the room in a state of perpetual twilight. A Mario doll sat on the bed beside a comfortable-looking blue pillow. A pair of round glasses was partially hidden on the nightstand behind the pink alarm clock, Seokjin's phone, and an assortment of figurines. 

Seokjin sat down on the bed and motioned for Namjoon to join him. "So," he said, "you guessed correctly. I was crying. But... it was the happy kind of crying for once. You made me really happy when you said I'm not a disappointment and you think my fingers are pretty. You and Taehyung are the only people who've ever said anything like that to me. You two are responsible for most of my happiness. You two have been there for me during the past week and a half, and I want to say thank you for that. And you in particular are important because you brought Taehyung back to me. I got to see my best friend again because of you." He pulled Namjoon into a warm hug. "And that means the world to me, Namjoon. I can't even describe how happy I was when I saw Taehyung again, and... and it was all because of you. I'm not lonely anymore because of you." He rested his head on Namjoon's shoulder, and Namjoon couldn't help but smile.

"So I guess it was a good thing I was so mean?" He asked.

"Yeah. If it hadn't happened or you hadn't felt bad about it, Taehyung wouldn't have known I was here." 

Namjoon was quiet for a minute, simply enjoying the sentimentality of the moment. "It's nice to know that I've been forgiven for that," he said finally. "When you told me you'd forgiven me the other day, that- well, it just kinda felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It's nice being friends with you."

Seokjin leaned back and stared into Namjoon's eyes. "We're friends?" He asked. "Like, officially?"

"Yeah," Namjoon replied. "Officially."

The way Seokjin's eyes lit up made the whole room feel just a bit brighter. He smiled at Namjoon, and his face was full of happiness and warmth. The only other time Namjoon had seen him this happy was when he had been reunited with Taehyung and right before he had started talking about Namjoon's actions. Namjoon decided that he had to make Seokjin smile more often, because his smile was absolutely beautiful.

There was a sudden 8-bit sound effect that Namjoon recognized as the coin sound effect from Super Mario. Seokjin's eyes widened and he grabbed his phone. Namjoon noticed that it had an expensive-looking designer case.

"Oh," Seokjin said. "Taehyung sent me something."

Tae

i wrote this song for u after i moved away and only just remembered it today

attachment: Spring Day.mp3

"Spring Day," Namjoon read. "That's a pretty name."

Seokjin nodded wordlessly and tapped on the link. There was a second or so of silence and then a slow, echoing melody filled the room. Then Taehyung's deep voice joined the melody, rapping at a fairly slow pace along with the music.

Miss you

Saying this makes me miss you even more

Namjoon saw Seokjin bite his lip as the song continued. 

Wanna get to the other side of the earth holding your hand, wanna put an end to this winter

The chorus wasn't any kind of rap verse. It was just Taehyung singing in an emotional, soulful way.

Would I get to you a little faster if I was snow in the air?

Snowflakes fall down

And get away little by little

I miss you, I miss you

I miss you, I miss you

How long do I have to wait

And how many sleepless nights do I have to spend

To see you, to meet you

Seokjin's plump lips turned up at the corners in a small smile. Namjoon thought he could see tears in his eyes.

Please stay, please stay there a little longer

Seokjin's smile widened, becoming more noticeable. There was another rap verse, this one faster and more aggressive. 

But I never stopped thinking about you not even a day

And then Taehyung was singing again, sounding even more lost and plaintive than before.

I try to exhale you in pain

Like smoke, like white smoke

Part of the chorus repeated again and then-

You know it all, you're my best friend

The morning will come again

No darkness, no season can last forever

The tears in Seokjin's eyes finally fell, rolling down his cheeks silently as the song played. He bit his lip again and then smiled at the phone in his hand.

Wait a little bit, just a few more nights

I'll be there to see you

I'll come for you

Passing by the edge of the cold winter

Until the days of spring

Until the days of the flower blossoms

Please stay, please stay there a little longer

As the song came to a close, Seokjin wiped away the tears on his face. "That was beautiful," he said softly. "So beautiful. It's so nice to know that he cared about me enough to put in the time and effort to write a song like this. I-it's so amazing. I can't believe he made this for me."

Namjoon wrapped an arm around the older boy's shoulders. "He's your best friend," he said. "Of course he cares enough to make something like this." He decided that he would write a song for Seokjin at some point in the future, because the fact that Taehyung cared enough to write a song was making him so happy, and Namjoon wanted to see him happy more often. Maybe, he thought, he would work with Taehyung.

Chapter Text

"Hey, Jin-hyung," a voice said, dragging Seokjin out of a dream he was already starting to forget. "You'll never guess what just happened!"

Seokjin blinked sleepily and looked up to see Taehyung standing over him, grinning widely. He blinked again, trying to fully wake himself up. "What happened?" He mumbled. 

"Seunghoon got expelled," Taehyung told him. "He fessed up to attacking you and they kicked him out. Isn't that great?"

"Yeah," Seokjin replied with a small smile. "What time is it?"

"Uh, three-fifteen in the afternoon. Yoongi said Namjoon was here this morning."

Seokjin nodded. "Yeah, he was. We listened to your song together and then played Mario Kart and then he finally went to class and I fell asleep again."

Taehyung's grin widened. "Did you like the song?" He asked hopefully. 

"I loved it. Thanks for thinking of me and caring enough to make that for me." He reached up, grabbed Taehyung by the arm, and pulled him onto the bed to hug him. "It made me really happy."

"Yay," Taehyung practically squealed. "I'm glad you liked it. Oh, by the way, I have a job now."

"A job?"

"Well, sort of. Hoseok hired Jimin and I as party planners. It's great. We even have codenames!"

"You have codenames?" Seokjin echoed.

"Yep," Taehyung replied. "Jimin's codename is Jibooteus Maximus, Hoseok's is Solar Power Guy, and mine is Guy Who Would Blow Up The Earth To Make Seokjin Happy."

"Sorry to burst your bubble," a new voice said, "but that would be a really stupid thing to do." Seokjin and Taehyung looked over at the doorway to see Yoongi standing there. "Seriously," he continued. "Blowing up the Earth for Seokjin is a stupid idea. I mean, seriously. He wouldn't be able to be happy about it because he, like everyone else, would be dead."

"Nah," Taehyung said. "Jin-hyung and I could just get in a rocket and watch the explosion from outer space."

"And what would happen when you ran out of food or fuel?"

"We would find another planet that can support life before that could happen."

Yoongi raised an eyebrow. "That would take years. And, by the way, how would you even blow up the Earth in the first place?"

"We could build a Death Star," Seokjin said.

"Yeah," Taehyung added. "And we'd get to see Elon Musk's car!"

"If you want to see a car like that, I have a Tesla," Seokjin offered.

"No way. Your Tesla isn't in space."

Yoongi sighed. "Why are all my friends idiots?" He wondered aloud as he left the room. Taehyung giggled.

"Wait," Seokjin called. Yoongi turned around.

"What?"

"Uh, where are you from? Sorry if that sounds creepy, but you and Taehyung have the same accent, so..."

Yoongi nodded. "I'm from Daegu," he said.

"Really?" Taehyung asked, eyes widening. "Me too! I lived there up until right before second grade, which is when my mom got a job in Gwacheon and we moved and lived there for the best five years of my life. And then we went back to Daegu because my grandma had a stroke. She's fine now, though."

"Ah, I see. You know, I'm jealous of my friend Jimin. The lucky bastard's from Busan. I wanted to live there when I was a kid. You guys know Jimin, right?"

"Yeah," Taehyung replied. "Jimin's awesome." Seokjin felt a bit of jealousy when Taehyung said that, but he knew Taehyung was allowed to have other friends. Even though he knew that, though, part of him still worried about being replaced. 

"So I assume Seokjin's from Gwacheon, then?" Yoongi was asking.

Seokjin sat up and nodded. "Yeah. We both went to a private school in Seoul, though. It was nice. Taehyung was one of my few friends. Actually, I think he was my only friend. It didn't matter, though. I only need one friend." He looked down at his hands, which were folded uninterestingly in his lap.

Yoongi frowned. "Only one? Maybe you should consider me. I think you're pretty cool. We're friends, right? And even if you don't need me, I need you, so I think we're friends. And what about Namjoon? You seem to trust him a lot. He said you told him some pretty heavy stuff, even though he refused to say what it was. He called himself your secondary confidant. Are you sure you don't need him?"

"Yoongi-hyung, he's probably trying to make himself feel less lonely," Taehyung said quietly. "He tends to lie to himself about things like that. He'll say things like I only need one friend or my parents love and appreciate me just to try and make himself believe them. He's trying to pretend everything's okay. Seriously, he's done that for as long as I've known him."

Yoongi's gaze softened. "Oh," he said. "I see. Well, uh, Seokjin... what's up with your parents? It seems like they don't really care very much about you...?"

Seokjin shrugged. "It's nothing," he muttered. He suddenly felt very antisocial. "I don't want to talk about it right now. Taehyung can tell you instead. I kinda want to be left alone right now, okay?"

"Okay," Taehyung replied, giving him a tight hug as he spoke. "We'll respect your wishes, but remember that we care about you." He smiled and ushered Yoongi out of the room before closing the door and leaving Seokjin alone.

The next thing Seokjin knew, there were tears streaming down his face. He wasn't sure exactly why he was crying, but he was. It was because of the conversation, and he knew that much, but the problem was pinpointing exactly one part. Maybe it was the way the conversation had shifted from lighthearted jokes to an indirect discussion about Seokjin's lack of friends. Maybe it had something to do with the way he had been reminded of his own loneliness. He decided that it didn't matter and just flopped back down onto his bed and cried into the pillow.

Ten minutes passed and then Taehyung returned. "Hey, hyung," he said. "Jimin and I are going to pick Jungkook up from his school and then go to a cafe. You wanna come?"

Seokjin didn't look up. "No," he mumbled. "I want to be alone right now. Have fun, Tae."

Taehyung hesitated before agreeing. "Okay, Jin-hyung. Yoongi's leaving too, but he's not coming with us. I don't know where he's going. Don't be too hard on yourself." And with that, he closed the door again.

Seokjin was suddenly angry at Jimin, and that made him angry at himself. He knew it was selfish to be upset that Taehyung had other friends. In fact, it was downright toxic, and he knew it. He hated himself because of it, and he didn't know of a solution to the problem, so he just cried for a while. Finally, after what felt like years, he decided to ask Namjoon for advice.

Jin

hey

Jin

namjoon? i need advice

Jin

namjoon

Jin

please don't tell me i've fucked up again

Jin

namjoonie please answer me this is really important

Jin

namjoon please

Jin

i really need you right now

Namjoonie

are you okay? sorry for not replying sooner, I was dying my hair

Jin

oh 

Namjoonie

yeah, it's blue now because Taehyung and I were talking the other day and he offhandedly mentioned that your favorite color is blue so that's the color I went with in honor of you. you need someone to appreciate you, so I decided to do something like that so you can constantly be reminded that I care about you

Jin

i

Jin

namjoon

Jin

you really did that for me?

Namjoonie

yeah, you deserve it. now what did you need to talk about?

Jin

jimin and taehyung

Jin

taehyung said jimin is really awesome and now he's getting coffee with jimin and jungkook and he invited me but i said no and honestly i know it's selfish and toxic but i feel like i'm being replaced and i don't want to be replaced and i'm really jealous and it's making me hate myself 

Jin

basically taehyung has other friends and i need help accepting that

Namjoonie

ah, I see

Namjoonie

well, it's not a very good thing to be jealous when your friends interact with other people, but it IS very very good that you're recognizing that fact

Jin

yeah, i know it's bad, i just can't help it ㅜㅜ

Namjoonie

don't worry, Seokjin. it's okay

Jin

no it's not

Namjoonie

yes it is. it's a complex problem but everything's gonna be okay

Namjoonie

from what Taehyung's said about you combined with the info Yoongi and I have gathered (as well as everything you've said about yourself and Hoseok's simple hypothesis that you're lonely), I can deduce that you haven't had very many friends throughout your life

Jin

don't remind me

Namjoonie

but am I correct?

Jin

yes

Namjoonie

so it makes sense that you would be possessive of the few friends you do have (e.g. Taehyung and I) 

Namjoonie

from what I've observed, it seems like material possessions don't mean very much to you but people make up for that

Namjoonie

like if someone destroyed your car you wouldn't care that much but if someone hurt Taehyung you would be incredibly upset

Jin

...you're good at observations and deductions

Namjoonie

thanks. anyway, you probably don't care about material things because you've lived a life where those kinds of things don't really have much value and likewise you probably care a lot about people who care about you because you didn't have easy access to people like that

Jin

you're very good at figuring me out

Namjoonie

you're kind of transparent when you let your guard down

Jin

is that a bad thing or a good thing?

Namjoonie

good, because sometimes people need to know what you're feeling

Namjoonie

it's not healthy to bottle shit like that up

Jin

okay but back to the main topic please

Namjoonie

right. so what I'm saying here is that I understand why you're so possessive of the friends you have

Jin

yeah

Jin

so what can i do to stop being like that?

Namjoonie

I think you need to talk to Taehyung and maybe Jimin. in the meantime you can come over to my apartment and watch a movie with Hoseok and I if you want

Jin

no thanks

Namjoonie

oh

Namjoonie

okay then

Jin

actually wait nevermind i'd really like that

Jin

i thought i wanted to be alone right now but it turns out i don't

Namjoonie

yay

Namjoonie

we'll wait for you

Jin

thank you so much

Seokjin rolled out of his bed and quickly got dressed, wiping his tears away as he did. He grabbed a jacket and quickly left for Namjoon's apartment. It was cold outside, but he didn't care. All that mattered was the fact that Namjoon was there for him. He wanted Taehyung to be there for him too, but Taehyung wasn't available at the moment. Seokjin sighed and walked faster.

Hoseok - whose hair was now bright red - gladly welcomed him into Namjoon's apartment, and as soon as he walked in Namjoon got up from the couch and pulled him into a hug.

"Hey," Namjoon whispered. "Are you feeling a bit better?"

"No," Seokjin replied. "Not really. But this is slowly making me happier, though. Thanks for inviting me." He clung to Namjoon for a moment before stepping back to admire his newly light blue hair. "Your hair looks really nice. Blue is a nice color for you."

Namjoon smiled widely. "Thanks," he said. "You look nice too."

Seokjin's eyes widened at the compliment. "Oh," he said. "Thank you."

"Dude, take your jacket off," Hoseok interrupted. "We've got the heater running."

Seokjin nodded and took off the gray jacket he was wearing. "Where do I put this?" He asked.

"Anywhere," Hoseok replied with a shrug. "I usually toss my stuff on the table by the door." He pointed, and Seokjin put his jacket on a table that was already covered by an excessive amount of assorted things.

"Hobi, what movie are we watching?" Namjoon asked from where he was sitting down again, now with a well-loved navy blue blanket on his lap.

"Frozen, obviously," Hoseok replied. "What better to watch on a cold January day? Seokjin, sit down and make yourself at home. Put your shoes under the table by the door. I'm making hot chocolate."

Seokjin blinked at him as he vanished into the kitchen (which, unlike in Seokjin's own apartment, was in a separate yet very small room instead of being an extension to the living room), and then he did as he was told and sat next to Namjoon, who put the blanket over him as well. Hoseok bustled around in the kitchen, drawing Seokjin's attention and making him notice a hand-drawn sign next to the kitchen doorway that said NO NAMJOON ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.

"What's that sign about?" Seokjin asked.

Namjoon laughed. "I'm a disaster in the kitchen," he explained. "Hoseok put that up to remind me to stay out so I won't die or burn the building down."

Seokjin smiled and scooted a tiny bit closer to Namjoon, hoping for a hug. But he didn't actually say anything, and Namjoon didn't seem to get the hint. Hoseok poked his head back into the living room.

"Hey," he said. "Namjoon. Come here. I need to talk to you."

"Okay," Namjoon replied as he stood up and walked into the kitchen. Seokjin stared after him, feeling very excluded and also observing that Namjoon had blatantly disregarded the sign. The two younger boys disappeared from view, and Seokjin hesitated for a moment before standing up and quietly walking over to the kitchen doorway to stand just out of sight.

"So I understand that Seokjin told you some really personal stuff the other day," Hoseok was saying quietly. "And I don't know what it was, but he seems like he really needs some support. I mean, I hadn't seen him with anyone at all before the incident, which is why I thought he seemed lonely. And the way he hugged you just now seemed really desperate, like he would die or something if he let go of you."

"Yeah, it really did feel desperate," Namjoon agreed. "It was a really nice hug, though. I should hug him more often. He's really sweet."

"Yeah, okay. Anyway, he really seems to trust you, so you would probably know if he's doing okay. Is he? Every time I see him he seems sort of unhappy."

"I don't think he's doing very well," Namjoon admitted. "He's told me a lot, but I feel like he's hurting a lot more than he lets on. But what he really needs is love and appreciation, Hobi."

"Well, since you know what's going on, try to help him," Hoseok said. "I'm worried about him."

"So am I. Come on, let's go back to the other room."

"I'm staying in here," Hoseok said. "The hot chocolate isn't done yet."

"Okay." A second later, Namjoon walked out of the kitchen and jumped when he saw Seokjin. "Oh my god," he said. "You startled me. Were you eavesdropping?"

Seokjin looked down at his feet. "Yes," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."

Namjoon put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be," he said. "It's okay. Were you worried that I secretly still hated you or something?"

"No. I just felt left out. Are- do you still feel bad about what you said to me?"

"Yeah, a little."

"Please don't feel bad," Seokjin said. "I've forgiven you. And, you know, I think I deserved it and you've also more than made up for it." He paused. "Taehyung taught me not to hold grudges. He also told me that some people say mean things but it doesn't make them mean people." He smiled at Namjoon. "I'm the one who's supposed to hate myself, not you. And seriously, I forgive you."

"You're not supposed to hate yourself," Namjoon told him. "Really. You're supposed to be happy. You're supposed to love yourself." He paused, examining Seokjin's face. "How do you get your eyelashes to be so long and pretty?" He asked.

Seokjin was taken aback by the question. "Um, I- uh, they're not really that long," he stammered. "They're just average."

"No, they're long," Namjoon said.

"Seokjin has average-length eyelashes," Hoseok called from the kitchen. "You just think they're long because yours are basically nonexistent."

"Shut up," Namjoon replied. "He has long eyelashes."

"No, they're average. If you want long eyelashes, go to Taehyung," Hoseok said as he stepped into the living room. He looked closely at Seokjin for a moment, and that moment felt way too long. 

"I think they're average," Seokjin added. "They're just longer toward the corners of my eyes."

"Yeah," Hoseok said, playfully shoving Namjoon. "Very pretty, though."

"Definitely," Namjoon agreed as Hoseok returned to the kitchen.

Hoseok finally finished making the hot chocolate and the three of them sat down on the couch. Hoseok started the movie, and Seokjin realized that he had never actually seen Frozen. Namjoon pulled the blue blanket over all three of them. As the movie played, Seokjin found himself feeling safe and comfortable snuggled up against Namjoon under a cozy blanket. Namjoon was warm and nice to lean against, and Seokjin allowed himself to relax and smile and enjoy the movie. There were a few moments when Namjoon glanced over at Seokjin as if he was checking on him. It was a really simple thing, but just the fact that he was being thought of was enough to make Seokjin feel like someone cared about him.

As the movie ended and the credits started to roll, Seokjin got a text from Taehyung.

Tae

hyung i have a question

Jin

yeah?

Tae

why do u hate urself so much? like ur literally perfect

Tae

seriously, i can write a 50 page essay about what makes u so awesome

i wont do that over text but have a few examples

-ur really nice and sweet and fun when ur around me

-ur a huge dork and that makes you even more fun to be around

-u give nice hugs when u care about someone

-ur really good at cooking

-also ur great at playing the guitar

-ur handsome

-ur an amazing actor

-even tho u had a rough childhood u still have the courage to live

-u so fucking precious when u smile

-squishy cheeks

-soft hair

-great at singing

-shoulders

-cool fingers

-ur apartment is always warm and thats nice bc my roomie never turns on the heater

-ur talented

and most importantly

YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND I PLATONICALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART EVEN IF I DONT ALWAYS SHOW IT AND GOD DAMN IT KIM SEOKJIN YOU WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER AND YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING SO DONT EVER HATE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOURE EVEN MORE AMAZING THAN THAT PUPPY I SAW THIS MORNING

ily jin

Seokjin stared at the message, trying to comprehend it. The words on the screen seemed almost foreign to him, even though they were in Korean. He genuinely couldn't believe any of them. He read and reread them, trying to make himself truly believe them, but it didn't work. It all felt like a lie. Taehyung had to be lying to make him feel better about himself. That was the only explanation he could believe.

"He's right, you know," Namjoon said. Seokjin turned to look up at him. There was a sweet smile on his classmate's face. No, he thought. Namjoon wasn't just a classmate anymore. They were friends. 

"Yeah," Hoseok added.

"I- no," Seokjin replied. "No way. That's not true." It hurt him to say those words, but he believed them. In his own eyes, he wasn't perfect. In his own eyes, he was terrible.

He started to type a message to reply to Taehyung. It mirrored Taehyung's words with his own opinions.

Jin

-i'm not fun

-i'm a dork and that's not a good thing

-my hugs aren't exceptional

-i'm not that great at cooking

-or guitar

-i am handsome but that's pretty much the only good thing about me

-i can't be an amazing actor

-sometimes idk if i have that courage

-is this one a joke bc it is literally a meme and also my smile isn't that great

-unfortunately. my face is too soft to match my body

-maybe?? idk about this one

-i'm not that great at singing bc my voice is too nasal and my vocal range is too small

-yes my shoulders are broad why does that matter

-tae my fingers are ugly and weird i know you like them but you're an outlier

-i like being warm

-i'm not talented 

you're my best friend too and i love you but i doubt i'm more amazing than a puppy

thanks anyway taetae ily too

He was about to hit send when Namjoon gently took his phone out of his hands and handed it to Hoseok, who proceeded to send Taehyung a message that simply said this is hoseok, seokjin is at my apartment bc he was watching frozen with namjoon and i. he got your message but didn't believe it so come over here for a reassurance session and bring yoongi if you can k thnx bai. He then took one of Seokjin's hands in both of his own. 

"Taehyung was right," he said gently. "You really are amazing. And he knows you a lot better than I do, so his word is more accurate than mine."

Seokjin shook his head. "I don't believe it," he said. "If I was that amazing so many more people would appreciate me." He frowned. "I don't understand how anyone can see me like you and Taehyung do."

"We can see you like that because your view of yourself is distorted," Namjoon explained. "We see you for what you're really like, but your self-esteem is so low that you don't seem capable of believing us. Is that true?"

Seokjin just shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I'm really not that great, honestly."

"Apparently kids who're neglected or ignored by their parents often grow up to be unhappy adults," Hoseok said. "From what I've heard that's what happened to you, so it makes sense."

"How do you know about that?"

"Yoongi told me everything he knows about you," Hoseok replied with a shrug.

At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Hoseok jumped up to go answer it, and standing out in the hall were Taehyung, Jimin, Jungkook, and Yoongi. And Taehyung's hair was now royal blue.

Chapter Text

"Your hair is blue," Seokjin commented as Taehyung sat down next to him. Taehyung nodded.

"Yeah," he said. "Namjoon and I came up with a plan to make you feel appreciated. Basically, we dyed our hair blue because it's your favorite color."

"So you were in on that too?" 

"Yeah. Did Namjoon already tell you about it?"

"Yep, I told him," Namjoon said. Jungkook, Jimin (whose hair was now lavender), and Yoongi approached as well, but Hoseok had sat back down and there was no more room on the couch. There were also no other places to sit in the living room, so Yoongi and Jungkook sat on the floor. Taehyung pulled Jimin onto his lap, causing both of them to blush.

"That's where I went with Jimin and Jungkook. We went to the salon and then got some coffee and now we're here," Taehyung explained. "So, hyung, why didn't you believe my text?"

Seokjin glanced around at the others, wondering if it was a good idea to tell them everything. He could definitely trust Taehyung and Namjoon, and he could probably trust Yoongi, but he didn't know Hoseok, Jimin, or Jungkook very well. He frowned and avoided eye contact with anyone.

"Okay, I don't think that worked," Jungkook said. "I don't think he'll relax enough with all of us in here. From what I've seen of him, he's pretty much the definition of reserved."

"That's the best description I've ever heard about a person," Yoongi commented.

Jungkook shrugged. "I'm really good at reading people. Anyway, how about we do an icebreaker thing, because some of us don't know everyone here very well?"

"Good idea," Taehyung said. "Okay, let's take turns-"

"I was thinking we would play never have I ever or something like that," Jungkook interrupted.

"Yeah, let's do that!" Hoseok added. "How about we take off a piece of clothing for every question we've done?"

"Yes," Jimin said. "Hell yes."

"That's a great way to do it," Taehyung agreed. Seokjin saw him glance down at Jimin's ass.

Namjoon, Yoongi, Seokjin, and Jungkook all exchanged a look. Seokjin, Yoongi, and Namjoon had identical uncertain looks, but Jungkook was making the real-life equivalent of a lenny face.

"I agree," Jungkook said. "Let's do it."

"I don't think that's a good idea," Yoongi replied. "I mean, the purpose of this game is just to get to know each other, since some of us don't know each other very well-"

"You don't have to play if you don't want to," Hoseok told him. "That goes for all of us. It's your choice." 

Seokjin wondered if this was okay. Was it even a good idea? 

"Why don't we just play without any consequences for now?" Taehyung asked suddenly. "We can save the stripping version for the party."

Seokjin wasn't sure what Taehyung was talking about whenever he mentioned the party, but it didn't matter. He agreed to the more innocent version of the game, they all moved to the floor (Jimin was still on Taehyung's lap), and Hoseok decided to ask the first question.

"Okay," he said. "Never have I ever gotten my face stuck between the seats on a plane."

Taehyung laughed and raised his hand. "I have, actually. I was a kid," he said. "I wanted to turn around and talk to the kid behind me and I got my face stuck. Okay, now I'll ask. Never have I ever had gay sex."

Seokjin wasn't quite sure how to answer that question. He actually did have sex with another guy once, back when he was in high school. They had both been drunk at a party and had later agreed never to mention it. Seokjin was still embarassed by that incident, so naturally he didn't want to say anything. He decided to lie and not raise his hand. Taehyung, who also wasn't raising his hand, gave him a funny look, but didn't say anything. It turned out that Seokjin and Taehyung were the odd ones out when it came to that question, alongside Jungkook.

"Never have I ever performed on a stage," Jimin said next. Seokjin was the only one who didn't raise his hand, and he was reminded that despite his dreams he'd never had the chance to actually have even a moment in the spotlight. He frowned and tugged at the carpet pile. Namjoon and Taehyung both looked at him strangely at that point.

"What have you all done?" Hoseok asked. "Yoongi, Namjoon, and I are all underground rappers and I also dance."

"I've been in two plays and three talent shows," Taehyung said.

"I also dance," Jimin chimed in. "Sometimes I sing."

"Me too," Jungkook added. "I love singing. Seokjin, if you could perform onstage, what would you do?"

"Acting," Seokjin mumbled. "Being on a stage implies that it would be a play, and that would be fun, but I also want to be in dramas and movies."

"Cool," Jimin said. "Good luck with that aspiration. You can do it! Okay, let's just do some regular old questions. Everyone, what's your major- or, in Jungkook's case, planned major? Mine's dance."

"Hey," Hoseok said. "Me too! We can be dance buddies!"

"Yeah," Jimin agreed. "We can! It'll be so awesome!"

"Music," Yoongi said simply. "I love music."

"Me too," Namjoon added. 

"I want to major in music too," Jungkook chimed in. "You guys are gonna have to teach me how to be as awesome as you!"

"Practice," Yoongi and Namjoon said in unison.

"Fine arts and performing arts," Taehyung said. "I have two majors because I'm an indecisive little shit. Jin-hyung, if you're not an acting major I will stab someone."

"Well, get your knife ready," Seokjin replied. "I'm a business major."

Taehyung's mouth fell open. "...The fuck? Hyung, I thought you wanted to be an actor! You've literally told me that like a hundred times since I first met you!"

Seokjin shrugged. "Yeah," he said, "but sometimes you have to make sacrifices."

"True, but those sacrifices shouldn't include giving up on your dreams," Taehyung argued. "Are you sure business will make you happy, hyung?"

"Yes. It's what I have to do, Tae."

"Jin-hyung, what happened to your dreams? What happened to my best friend who wanted to be a famous actor no matter what? What happened to the kid whose dream didn't change for years and years? What happened to Seokjin?"

There was a long silence. Seokjin sighed and rested his face in his hands. "Nothing happened, Taehyung," he mumbled. "I'm still the same person. I've just gotten my priorities figured out."

Namjoon suddenly stood up and grabbed Seokjin's arm to pull him to his feet as well. He motioned for Taehyung to follow, and Jimin moved so the boy could get up. Namjoon led them both into his room - which was still messy - and closed the door. They sat down on the bed together, and Seokjin discovered that Namjoon's bed was soft and comfortable. He could probably sit there forever.

"Hyung, we talked about this the other day," Namjoon said gently. "You need to do what makes you happy. You need to follow your own dreams." 

"Yeah," Taehyung agreed. "Are you studying business just to make your parents proud?"

Seokjin nodded and blinked back tears. "I don't think they want me to be an actor," he said. "And I want them to be proud of me. I want them to appreciate me." His voice cracked and he buried his face in his hands. "They've never appreciated me. You guys both know that. I want to make them proud for once! Just once! I've tried everything else, and it's not working, so this is one of my last chances!"

"Hyung, no," Taehyung said. "You have all sorts of chances. You can make them proud and still be yourself at the same time. Do you remember when you were in sixth grade and I was in fourth, and you started acting different toward everyone but me? Do you remember how I asked you why you were doing that and you told me it was because that's how your dad acts around clients? Do you remember how I took your hands and told you not to change yourself for anyone?"

"Of course I remember that, Tae. But I didn't listen, remember? I kept trying to be the perfect son. I'm still trying." He let out a choked sob. "I'm still trying, and nothing's working!" 

"I think the secret is overcoming your obstacles and being yourself despite everything," Namjoon said. "That's a great way to earn respect. They'll see that despite everything you're strong enough to keep going no matter what. And you are strong enough, Seokjin. I promise you are. You can do it."

"Exactly," Taehyung added. "You're strong enough. You can do it, hyung. Be yourself. You don't need to change. You're amazing already."

"I'm strong enough?" Seokjin echoed. "Guys, I don't think you understand. I'm not strong enough. If I was strong enough, I would be following my own dream. If I was strong enough, I wouldn't have to act emotionless when I'm in public. If I was strong enough-"

"No, Seokjin," Taehyung interrupted firmly. "You are strong enough. You just don't realize it because you don't see that side of yourself. But Namjoon and I do see that side. We can see that you can get past all the challenges life throws at you, but you can only get past those challenges by standing up and facing them. Don't try to adapt to them. Get past them." He stood up and paced around the room as he spoke. "Hyung, I know you. I can tell that you've slowly been losing this battle you've been fighting for your whole life. I can tell it's wearing you down. But you can't let that happen, Jin-hyung. You have to fight harder. Again, I know you. I know you have the strength to win the fight. I know you can do it. You've just been fighting the wrong way all your life. Hiding behind a mask won't get you anywhere, hyung, so throw the mask away. Go back to being yourself. I miss the old Seokjin. Bring him back. Remember when we used to act out scenes from books and movies? You were always so happy when we did that. Remember when we used to play pretend and you had so much fun? You always loved becoming all sorts of different characters. There was a fire in you, hyung. I watched that fire get smaller as we got older, and now it's gone completely. But you can rekindle it. I miss the way you used to be. I want the old you back. I want the Seokjin who was so determined to be a famous actor. I want the Seokjin who was so sad and lonely but could still smile and be really, truly happy a lot of the time. I want the Seokjin who never tried to act cold and indifferent. What happened to him, hyung? What happened to you?"

Seokjin stared down at his lap and sighed. Taehyung was right, he really was. There really had been a time when Seokjin wasn't afraid to smile and laugh in public. There really had been a time when he had been brave and strong enough to keep trying to follow his dream despite the constant loneliness he felt when Taehyung wasn't around. Taehyung was right; there had been a time when Seokjin was unafraid to try and pursue his lifelong dream of becoming an actor. There had been a time when he hadn't hidden his feelings behind a stony mask. 

"I don't know, Tae," he said after a moment. "I really don't know. I guess I just got too discouraged." The next thing he knew, Namjoon and Taehyung were both hugging him and reassuring him.

"You can still get past that discouragement," Taehyung said. "I believe in you."

"So do I," Namjoon added. "You can win the fight. You can do it."

Seokjin wasn't sure if he believed them. "If I try but fail, will you two still be there for me?" He asked quietly.

"Of course we will," Namjoon replied. 

"Always," Taehyung agreed. "I'll always be here for you. I promise I'll always support you no matter what."

"Thank you," Seokjin said. He was getting all choked up, making it hard to talk louder than a whisper. "I'll try to be there for you two if you need me."

"It's more important that you try to be yourself and not give up," Taehyung said.

Seokjin responded with a simple okay, but he was starting to wonder if he was really able to do that. He wanted to, but he wasn't sure if he could. After all, how was he supposed to be himself if he didn't like who he was?

Chapter Text

The next morning, Seokjin decided to change his major back to acting. He spent the morning filling out paperwork and talking to people, and it was all exactly the same as when he'd done exactly the same thing back in freshman year. Mr. Bang - his academic advisor - made a joke about being indecisive, and Seokjin bluntly told him that he wasn't indecisive and the joke was insensitive. Mr. Bang apologized profusely, but the joke kept gnawing at Seokjin for the rest of the day. 

Was he indecisive? Was it problematic that he had changed his major from acting to business and now he was changing it back to acting? Was Mr. Bang judging him for his decision? Was anyone judging him for it? Was he really making the right choice?

He thought about that last question for a moment, reflecting on it. When he'd first changed his major, he'd wondered the same thing, and he had been convinced he had been making the right decision. But then, in hindsight, he'd realized that deep down he wasn't at all happy studying business. He'd decided to take music composition class in hopes that he'd be able to subtly express his emotions, and that had worked, but overall he had still been unhappy even with that outlet. Now that he was finally doing something about it, he found himself asking that question again. This time, he knew what the answer was immediately. He was skeptical about how his parents would react, but he knew the answer. He knew he was making the right choice.

Thanks to Mr. Bang, Seokjin's major was officially changed by mid-afternoon, eliminating the long, anxiety-filled waiting period he'd had to deal with before. Suddenly, there was a weight being lifted off his shoulders, a break in the stormy clouds hanging over his head. 

Seokjin flopped down on his bed after the whole process was done and stared at his phone, wondering if he should call his parents. He wanted to tell Taehyung and Namjoon in person, but he wasn't sure if he wanted to tell his parents in any way. Of course, he reasoned, they'd find out sooner or later, so he might as well call and tell them. But still, he hesitated, his finger hovering over the call button. Was calling his mother first the right idea? Should he talk to his father first instead? Was this a good idea at all? He kept hesitating, and then finally he took a deep breath and pressed the button.

His mother answered almost immediately. "Hello," she said. "Is something going on?"

Her words seemed innocent enough, but they still stung a little. Seokjin frowned even though he knew she couldn't see him. "Yeah," he replied slowly. "I-" The words got caught in his throat, which felt like it had closed up. 

"You...? Seokjin? Is something wrong?"

Seokjin took another deep breath, trying to calm himself down. It was just four words he had to say. Just four. "I- I changed my major," he said finally, the words all coming out in an anxious rush. There. He had done it. 

"You changed your major?" She didn't sound angry, only surprised, which was a better reaction than Seokjin had been anticipating.

"Yes. I'm an acting major now. I hope you don't mind."

"Seokjin, why do you think I would mind? It doesn't matter to me what your major is. It doesn't matter at all."

"Because I don't matter at all?" Seokjin replied without thinking. His mother was silent. Seokjin desperately hoped she would say something along the lines of no, no, you matter, but she didn't say anything at all. 

"Seokjin," his mother said finally. Then she fell quiet again for a few seconds. Somehow, the silence was more painful than actual words. 

"I'm sorry," Seokjin choked out, so quietly the words were barely louder than a whisper. He ended the call and flung the phone down on his bed and started crying. The conversation had hurt him so much, simply because his mother had never denied his question. Even an insincere denial would have been better. He buried his face in his pillow and sobbed, hoping Yoongi wouldn't hear him. 

There was a knock on his bedroom door, but Seokjin didn't answer. He just cried more quietly and ignored the second and third knocks.

"Just go in," he heard Yoongi say. "He seemed pretty relaxed when he got back here from god knows where." A moment later, the door opened slowly. He didn't look up.

"Seokjin?" Namjoon asked softly. "Hyung?" Seokjin only replied with a sniffle. He still didn't look up. The door closed quietly, and a moment later the mattress dipped down under the weight of Namjoon sitting on the bed next to him. 

"Hi," Seokjin replied, still not looking up. 

"Hi. Are you okay?"

"I don't matter to my mom but other than that I'm doing great, thanks for asking."

"What do you mean you don't matter?" Namjoon asked. He rested his hand on Seokjin's back, and the gesture was honestly incredibly comforting. 

"I called her and she said- she said it doesn't matter what my major is and then I asked her if my major doesn't matter because I don't matter and she... she didn't answer me, Namjoon. She didn't deny it. I- I really don't matter to her."

"But you're her son. How can she possibly care so little? How is that possible? Doesn't she at least have maternal instincts?"

"I don't know," Seokjin mumbled. "She likes my brother just fine. It's just me who- who gets ignored." He sat up and grabbed onto Namjoon, who hugged him tightly and rubbed his back while Seokjin cried into his chest.

"It's okay," Namjoon murmured. "It's okay. You matter to me. You matter to Taehyung. You matter to Hoseok. You matter to Yoongi. You matter to Jungkook. You matter to Jimin. We all care about you. You're our friend."

"I know. It just- this really hurts, you know?"

"Yeah, I understand. I know it hurts. But just know that there are people in this world who love you and care about you and won't ever give up on you. You'll never have to be truly alone."

"That's not what this is about, Namjoon," Seokjin cried. "It's not about whether or not I'm alone! It's about the fact that I'm not worth the love of my own mother! I'm... I'm not worth it." He swallowed, trying to dislodge the lump that had formed in his throat, and looked down sadly. He was sitting on Namjoon's lap, with his forehead resting against his friend's heart. His hands were gripping the back of Namjoon's soft red sweater. It was such a cozy, intimate position, and part of Seokjin didn't ever want to move. Namjoon's presence was comforting and his embrace was warm and he made Seokjin feel safe.

"Seokjin," Namjoon said softly, cupping Seokjin's face in his hands. "You're worth everything. If your mother doesn't love you, that's her mistake. She doesn't deserve to have a son like you."

"You're right. She deserves better."

"Not if she treats you like shit. A mother should love her son, not throw him aside like he's some dead thing. You're more than worthy of her love, but she's not worthy of yours."

Seokjin buried his face in the crook of Namjoon's neck and sobbed. Tears were soaking Namjoon's sweater and Seokjin's grip was so tight that his fingernails were scraping soft skin through the crocheted fabric, but Namjoon stayed there, steady and reassuring like a rock standing proud and strong despite the roaring ocean waves that were crashing against it. Namjoon was like a boat rescuing Seokjin from an island he'd been stranded on. Namjoon was like an anchor keeping Seokjin from being swept out into an ocean of tears.

After a moment, Namjoon laid down, pulling Seokjin with him. He quietly hummed gentle melodies and murmured reassuring words as Seokjin clung to him and cried. They stayed there like that for at least an hour, and Seokjin held onto Namjoon as if his life depended on it the whole time. 

"I just want to be loved," Seokjin mumbled after a while. "I just want to be perfect."

"Nobody's perfect," Namjoon replied. "And you are loved. You mean the world to Taehyung and I. Jimin said Taehyung talks about you all the time, and-"

"Jimin," Seokjin said with a sigh. "Park Jimin. I need to talk to him before I start hating him."

Namjoon handed Seokjin his phone. "Here. Give him a call."

Seokjin took the phone and hesitantly called Jimin. He waited for a moment, until finally the boy answered.

"Hi," Jimin chirped. "How's it going? Hey, you've never called me before. Holy shit, I've never even talked to you on your own before."

"Jimin," Seokjin said. "We need to talk."

"We're talking. What's up?"

"You and Taehyung are..." He trailed off. Namjoon placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I'm just selfish."

"Selfish?" Jimin echoed. "Are you sure? The only time you seemed selfish was when you walked out of class the other day, and that was really more entitled and bratty. I barely even know you and I know those aren't your defining character traits, though. You really come off as a good person when you're not in class, and based on what Taehyung's told me you're secretly an amazing ray of sunshine, so why in the world do you think you're selfish?"

"Because I'm jealous of you."

"You're jealous of me?"

"...Yeah."

"Why? What do I have that you don't?"

"Taehyung's attention," Seokjin muttered, trying to force back the wave of selfish bitterness. Jimin did nothing wrong. "I'm sorry, I know it's selfish and toxic, but-"

"Woah woah woah," Jimin interrupted. "What do you mean? Taehyung talks about you all the time. Even before I met you he was always telling me about his old friend Seokjin who he really missed. He always said you were like an older brother to him and he thought of you when he went to sleep at night. He said he looked up at the night sky sometimes and thought things like I wonder if Seokjin's looking at the sky too and I wonder if he's thinking about me and I hope he's doing okay. He told me everything about you. There was one time when he cried in my arms because he hadn't seen his best friend since middle school and he missed you. We knew each other before he found you again, you know. He spilled coffee on me at orientation and we started talking, and he mentioned you. That was our first conversation, and he talked about how much better you made his life."

Seokjin didn't know how to respond to that. He'd known Taehyung and Jimin had been friends since their freshman orientation, and he'd known about the whole coffee thing, but he hadn't known just how much Taehyung had talked about him. He hadn't known just how much Taehyung had missed him. 

"Taehyung's relationship with me is different from his relationship with you," Jimin continued. "You're his best friend. You mean the universe to him. But my relationship with him is different. We're kind of... romantically interested in each other, it's just that neither of us has really made any real moves yet. I promise I'm not replacing you as his best friend."

"I'm sorry," Seokjin said. "I guess I shouldn't be so jealous. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Don't worry," Jimin replied. "It's no big deal. I understand completely. Taehyung was always telling me how lonely you must have been without him. He said he was your only friend and he was really worried about you because he didn't know how you would cope without him. He... he didn't even know if you were still alive. He told me one time that there was a very real possibility that you had killed yourself after he left. We took my dad's car and drove to Gwacheon that night to see if we could find you. We went to your house and rang the doorbell and your dad answered. He didn't say where you were, but we learned that you were still alive. Taehyung was so relieved. It was amazing. He was so happy."

I almost wasn't, Seokjin wanted to say. I almost killed myself. But he didn't say anything at all, because he didn't trust Jimin enough to talk about that. Namjoon was the only person who knew at the moment, and Seokjin had no intention of telling anyone else except Taehyung. He should probably tell Taehyung about it, but he hadn't yet. He should do that.

"Thank you, Jimin," he said after a moment. "Thank you for telling me all this. I'm sorry for being jealous, but I understand now. Bye."

"Bye," Jimin replied, and Seokjin ended the call.

"That wasn't so hard, was it?" Namjoon asked. He gently wrapped his arms around Seokjin and held him close. "You're not selfish," he said softly. "It's just that you've been wronged so many times that you've been convinced you're a horrible person even though you're not."

Seokjin responded by reaching over to put his phone on the nightstand and then wriggled closer to Namjoon. "Stay with me, Namjoonie," he whispered. "Don't leave me."

Namjoon stayed right by his side for the rest of the day, occasionally humming or stroking Seokjin's hair. Even as the sun started to set, Namjoon was there, keeping Seokjin from being dragged away into an ocean of tears.

Chapter Text

Namjoon slowly blinked open his eyes and was instantly hit by a wave of utter confusion. The bed he was laying in was in a corner and the window was on the opposite wall. Across from the foot of the bed was a door which had light filtering in from underneath. He could make out the shapes of shelves and a desk against the wall, and he wondered briefly where he was. Then he noticed that he was holding something in his arms - something warm and alive - and he remembered where he was. He was in Seokjin's bedroom and Seokjin was curled up in his arms. Namjoon smiled softly, unable to keep the grin off his face. Seokjin seemed so peaceful when he was asleep, free from the troubles that plagued him when he was awake. His face wasn't quite visible in the darkness, but he was still and quiet, breathing deeply and peacefully. 

"I'm sorry for everything," Namjoon whispered, so quietly he could barely hear himself speak. "I'm sorry for how I treated you before I got to know you, and I'm sorry for all the pain you've had to go through. I'm sorry I was such an asshole. I'm sorry your life has been shitty. I'm sorry you can't see how wonderful you are. I'm sorry, Seokjin-hyung. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You don't deserve to be ignored and hated and alone."

Seokjin stirred and rolled over so he was facing Namjoon. He was still asleep, but now Namjoon could see his face. He looked serious and relaxed at the same time, with his eyes closed and his lips pressed together. His chest rose and fell in a steady rhythm. Once again, Namjoon realized just how pretty he was. His cheeks looked softer than normal, matching the curves of his lips. His bangs fell across his forehead in a way that made him look oh so sweet and innocent. His skin was soft and velvety. The curves and angles of his face weren't exactly accentuated by the darkness, but Namjoon could still see everything.

As Namjoon watched, Seokjin's eyes fluttered open. He blinked at Namjoon for a moment, gazing at him with half-closed eyes, and then he smiled.

"I wasn't expecting you to still be here when I woke up," he said softly. His voice was thick with sleep.

"Why not?" Namjoon replied. "I wouldn't just leave someone who needs me. That would be awful."

"Well, thanks for staying." He rubbed his eyes and yawned. "I appreciate it."

Namjoon smiled and shifted a bit. Seokjin grabbed him and pulled him close, clinging to him tightly and snuggling closer.

"You okay?" Namjoon asked.

"Yeah," Seokjin said. "I just want you to stay with me a little longer."

"I'll stay here with you for as long as you need," Namjoon promised. "You deserve the world, you know." He smiled and closed his eyes, relishing in the quiet, peaceful moment. He felt like he could hold Seokjin like this forever, providing him with warmth and comfort. He felt like he would never get tired of Seokjin's warm body in his arms, Seokjin's cool breath on his neck, Seokjin's soft hair brushing against his skin. He would definitely never get tired of seeing Seokjin happy. 

"How many people do you think love me?" Seokjin asked suddenly.

"Well, Taehyung and I definitely love you," Namjoon replied without hesitation. "Platonically," he added, although he kind of wanted to kiss Seokjin right then. "Other than us, I'm sure Yoongi loves you. And so do Jimin and Jungkook and Hoseok. All of us love you. You're our friend, hyung."

"And... and my family?" 

"I don't know, to be honest. From what you've told me, it doesn't really sound like they do. But I'm not sure. I'm sorry."

"Do you think they should be proud of me for changing my major?"

"Yes. Did you-"

"Yeah. I'm an acting major again now. I did it."

Namjoon smiled and pulled Seokjin a little closer so the older boy's face was pressed against his neck. "I'm so proud of you, hyung," he murmured. "So proud."

"You're proud?" Seokjin echoed. "Of me?"

"You bet your ass I am. It was so brave of you to make that choice and follow your own dream instead of what might make your parents happy. Seokjin, I can't even put my feelings into words. I'm just so proud." 

Seokjin didn't say anything for a moment, but Namjoon could feel tears dampening his skin. Finally, after several quiet moments, Seokjin spoke. "You and Taehyung," he mumbled. "You two are the only ones who've ever said that to me."

"Oh, Seokjinnie," Namjoon murmured. "You poor thing. No wonder you can't see how amazing you are."

"Seokjinnie," Seokjin mused. "Nobody's called me that before. I'm always just Seokjin or sometimes Jin. Seokjinnie is completely new. I like it. It's cute."

"Good, because that's your name now. I'm legally changing it. From now on, that's your name. That's it. No surname or anything, just Seokjinnie."

Seokjin giggled. "Does that make you just Namjoonie, then?" 

"Yeah, I guess so."

"And I guess that would apply to our friends too. Taehyungie, Hoseokie, Jiminie, Jungkookie- wait, what would Yoongi be?"

"I dunno," Namjoon replied. "Yoongi-ie?"

They both burst out laughing at that, and it was such a wonderful moment Namjoon wanted to cry. He wanted to stay like that forever, laughing and cuddling with Seokjin. He wanted to see Seokjin smile and laugh like that so much more often.

"Hey," Yoongi yelled through the door, startling them both. "Whatever you guys are laughing about, can you keep it down? Hobi and I are trying to study."

"Yeah, okay," Namjoon replied, and then he and Seokjin giggled. They heard Yoongi sigh and walk away.

"Well, I should make some food for everyone," Seokjin said after a moment. You can stay in here if you want. It's up to you." He smiled and quietly left the room. Namjoon thought about staying in the nice, warm bed, but in the end he got up. Seokjin was so much more important than some warm blankets.

Chapter Text

Two days after he changed his major, Seokjin found himself sitting alone in a quiet coffee shop. He had invited Namjoon out to get coffee with him, but Namjoon hadn't shown up yet. Would he be there at all? What if he wasn't coming? Seokjin anxiously tapped his fingers on the table and stared out the window at the rain and clouds outside. Namjoon should've been there nearly ten minutes ago. Where was he? Was Seokjin not good enough to hang out with him? What if Namjoon wasn't coming?

The rain drummed on the window, creating a steady rhythm. It was like the sky itself was crying about Namjoon's absence. I'm not good enough to be his friend, Seokjin thought. He doesn't want to be around me. He frowned and kept staring out the window, even though his hope was quickly fizzling out.

"Hey," a voice said. Seokjin turned to see a girl with deep brown hair and a very stylish outfit standing there. This was Solbin, who was in his music class and often tried to flirt with him. She was nice enough, but Seokjin wasn't interested.

"Hi," Seokjin replied, trying to convey the message that he didn't want to talk to her.

"Nice day today, huh?" Solbin asked. When Seokjin only nodded in response, she continued talking. "Yeah, I love the rain. Coffee shops on rainy days are so romantic, aren't they?"

"Yeah."

"Can I buy you a drink?"

"Um..." Seokjin stared at her, unsure what to say. "I can buy my own, thanks," he said after a moment. "I'm rich." 

Solbin's friends, who were watching intently, giggled in response. Solbin frowned. "Okay then," she said. "You look lonely. Mind if I sit?"

"Um, yes?"

"Yes you mind or yes you're lonely?"

"Both." Solbin's face fell, but she continued nonetheless. Seokjin felt sort of bad for shutting her down like that.

"Ah, I see," she replied. "Well, how's your day going?"

"Fine." That was a lie. Seokjin's day wasn't all that great so far.

"I've missed seeing you in class."

"Sorry. I'll be back once these bruises go away."

"Hopefully they heal soon. It looks like they're mostly gone, so that's good." She paused and just looked at Seokjin for a moment. "Wow, oppa, you're really handsome."

Seokjin cringed internally at that last sentence, but he gave Solbin a forced smile. "Thank you."

"Your smile is beautiful. You should smile more often. Have I ever told you how good you always look?"

"Are you hitting on me?" This whole conversation was making him uncomfortable and he just wanted to crawl into a hole and hide from the world.

Solbin's eyes widened. "Um, I- I just think you're handsome, oppa."

"That's good. I don't."

"What?"

"Nothing. Why are you calling me oppa?"

"Aren't you older than me?"

"I don't know, but we're not close enough for that."

"Hey," one of Solbin's friends called, "Solbinnie, I don't think this conversation is gonna go in the direction you want it to."

"Don't worry," Solbin replied. "I've got this."

"Solbin, he's just gonna keep shutting you down. You have to try some other time."

Solbin ignored her and kept talking to Seokjin. "Are you sure you don't want me to buy you anything?"

"Yes," Seokjin replied firmly. "I'm sure. I can buy whatever I want myself."

"Oh. Well, can I have your number?"

Seokjin wasn't sure how to respond to that. He didn't want to give her his number, but he also didn't want to say no and hurt her feelings. He stared blankly at her for a moment, which obviously confused her quite a bit. 

"Are you okay...?" Solbin asked hesitantly. 

"Uh, yeah, I'm fine," Seokjin told her. "Just- hang on, I'm gonna be sick." He jumped up and ran into the bathroom, where he locked the door and slumped against the wall. Where was Namjoon when Seokjin needed him? Did Namjoon not care about him? Why wouldn't Solbin just stop hitting on him already? Hadn't she gotten the hint by that point? Tears welled up in his eyes and spilled down his cheeks. Small sobs escaped his lips no matter how hard he tried to keep them in.

He had been in there for quite a while, crying quietly, when he heard a knock on the door. "Seokjin?" Solbin's voice came from right outside. "Are you okay?"

"Uh, y-yeah, I'm fine," Seokjin lied. "I just... need a few more minutes, okay?"

"Okay. Please don't die."

Seokjin sighed and rested his head in his hands, wishing she would just leave him alone. He really hoped she wasn't just waiting right outside the door. With another sigh, he stood up and walked over to the sink, where he splashed some cool water on his face and made sure it wasn't too obvious that he had been crying. He emerged from the bathroom and found that Solbin and her friends were waiting outside. He smiled awkwardly at them and tried to walk past, but Solbin stopped him.

"Are you feeling okay, oppa?" She asked. "Do you want me to drive you home or anything?"

"No, you don't have to," Seokjin replied quickly. "I have my own car. It's okay. I think I'll leave, though. See you later." He waved and then hurried out of the building, and in his haste to get away he slipped on the wet concrete and fell to the ground. His right ankle turned strangely and he barely managed to stifle a cry of pain. He quickly got up, ignoring the pain that seared through his ankle when it moved. It hurt so badly that he nearly fell down again, but he managed to keep his balance. He only had to get around the building to where he'd parked his car, he told himself, and then he remembered that he'd need to move his ankle to drive and then once he got home he'd have to walk through the building to get to his apartment. With a sigh, he steeled himself and took a step - only to let out a pained gasp and fall to his knees. Behind him, the door to the coffee shop swung open.

"Yah," Solbin called from behind him, sounding mildly annoyed. "Kim Seokjin! Oppa! You should've let me drive you! Are you okay?"

"Yes, Solbin," Seokjin hissed through gritted teeth. "I'm fine. Go inside or something before you catch a cold, okay?"

"You can't catch a cold from being out in the rain," Solbin argued. "It's a virus. It doesn't work like that. Are you sure you're fine?"

"Yes," Seokjin snapped, causing Solbin to shrink back. "I'm fine, Solbin! Give me some space!"

Solbin stared at him for a moment and then turned and ran back inside. Seokjin felt sort of bad, but he was tired of interacting with her. He was tired of interacting with everyone, honestly. Nothing was going right today. With a hiss of pain, Seokjin hauled himself to his feet again and managed to take a couple steps before the pain in his ankle became too much. He stopped for a moment and looked around for something in the vicinity he could use to support himself, but there was nothing close enough. He took another step, trying to ignore the pain, and then another, and then one more before he fell again.

"Seokjin," a new voice called. "Hyung!"

Startled, Seokjin looked up to see Namjoon hurrying toward him, holding an umbrella. "Hi," he said. Namjoon leaned down to look at him.

"Hi, hyung," the younger boy said. "I'm so sorry I'm late. I missed the bus I was gonna take so I had to walk all the way here. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," Seokjin replied. "Just hurt my ankle."

"You hurt your ankle?"

"Yeah. I slipped and twisted it. I think I'll be fine, though. I don't think it's too bad. It just hurts like hell."

"Here," Namjoon said, "let's go inside." He extended a hand to Seokjin, who gratefully took it but didn't move.

"I don't want to go back inside," he said. "You know Solbin from music class? She's in there and she wouldn't leave me alone. Can we just leave?"

"Sure," Namjoon replied. "Come on, I'll help you get up." He helped Seokjin to his feet. "Is your car here?"

"Yeah. It's on the other side of the building though."

"Alright, then. Let's go. Can you walk?"

Seokjin responded by trying to take a step, putting too much weight on his injured ankle, and falling with a cry of pain. Namjoon caught him and wrapped an arm around him, supporting him as they made their way around the building. It was slow going and the umbrella Namjoon also had to deal with didn't make it any easier and every movement caused Seokjin's ankle to scream in protest, but they made it to the car quickly enough. 

"I'll drive," Namjoon said softly. "You just relax." He helped Seokjin into the car and then got in himself. "Okay," he said. "Um, how do you go backward?"

"Do... do you not know how to drive?" Seokjin asked incredulously.

"Well, I mean I know the basics," Namjoon replied with a sheepish grin. "Y'know, the pedals make the car stop or go, the steering wheel turns it, stuff like that, but other than that I'm not really sure."

"Oh my god, Namjoon, just let me drive."

"No, hyung, that'll hurt you more. Just give me instructions, okay?"

Seokjin frowned but agreed, and he spent the entire ride home on the edge of his seat. Fortunately, Namjoon managed to make it without any trouble, and then Seokjin was confronted with the problem of getting upstairs to his apartment. As soon as they made their way inside, they were met by a sign on the elevator saying OUT OF ORDER in big bold letters. It had been like that earlier too, but Seokjin had forgotten about it.

"Shit," Namjoon muttered. "How're you gonna get upstairs? I can't carry you up without falling. Maybe you could crawl up the stairs?"

That idea wasn't very appealing, but Seokjin agreed to it anyway. "This is humiliating," he grumbled, but Namjoon reassured him that there was nobody else around to watch and everything was okay. They made it up to Seokjin's apartment with no trouble, and they took off their shoes and jackets and went into Seokjin's room.

"Change into some dry clothes," Namjoon instructed him. "I'll just, uh, step into the other room." He smiled and left, closing the door behind him.

Seokjin hobbled over to his dresser, nearly falling twice in the process and then having to cling to the dresser for support, and picked out a soft pale blue sweater and some black sweatpants. He got the sweater on without a problem, but then he wasn't able to get the left leg of his pants on. He wasn't able to put his whole weight on his right ankle without falling, and after trying several times he wasn't sure what to do. The logical solution would be getting Namjoon to help him out, but he wasn't quite sure if he was comfortable with letting Namjoon see him in nothing but boxers and a sweater. After a moment, he decided that getting Namjoon's help was the best option, so he shoved his embarrassment aside and called for the younger boy.

"Hyung?" Namjoon asked, opening the door slightly. "Are you okay?"

"Um, no," Seokjin admitted. "I, uh, can't really get my pants on. Um, can you help me? All you need to do is let me lean on you for a moment-"

"Oh, yeah, I can help you with that," Namjoon replied. He walked over and wrapped his arms around Seokjin, providing him with something to lean against. 

"Sorry," Seokjin mumbled. "That was embarrassing."

"It was cute," Namjoon reassured him. "Come on, let's get you laying down and I'll take a look at your ankle. Want me to carry you?"

"Uh, yeah, sure." He allowed Namjoon to pick him up bridal style, and it turned out that Namjoon was terrible at that. He managed to lift Seokjin into the air, but his grip was uncomfortable and awkward and one of his hands ended up on Seokjin's ass (although that wasn't something Seokjin really minded). The instant he took a step, he tripped and sent both of them tumbling to the ground. 

"Oh my god, sorry," Namjoon said quickly. "Are you okay?"

Seokjin was decidedly not okay, but being dropped and fallen on hadn't left him any worse off than before. Namjoon's struggle to carry him, though, made him feel like nothing more than a burden. The fact that Namjoon had to help him with everything made him feel that way, and those thoughts brought tears to his eyes. "I'm fine," he mumbled, but Namjoon saw through his facade.

"Hyung," the younger boy said, "please don't lie to me. I care about you and I want to know when you're hurting so I can help you. I know you're not okay. I can see those tears. Did I hurt you?"

"No," Seokjin replied. "I just... I just feel like a burden. You're having to help me right now, and I'm always so useless. I just feel like dead weight. If everyone just left me they would be so much happier."

"No, Seokjinnie, don't think like that," Namjoon murmured. "We're all so much happier with you around. You're not a burden, I swear. You make us all feel complete. You're part of the group, you know? You're important to us. You matter." He gently brushed Seokjin's damp bangs aside and leaned down so their noses and foreheads were touching. Seokjin surprised himself by liking that. "You're not a burden. You're not dead weight. After all, dead weight isn't able to stay strong and be brave even after being emotionally neglected for years." He sat up again and helped Seokjin move onto the bed. "I wish I could be as brave as you. I'm always so amazed by you, hyung. You're brave enough to keep living even though you've been hurt so much. When I look at you, I see two things. There's the persona you've crafted and the pain that fuels it, but there's also the real Seokjin in there too, just hiding behind all the pain." He tapped on Seokjin's chest with one finger. "He's just dormant. He's brave and strong and kind and affectionate. It's a real shame he doesn't come out very often, because that's the Seokjin I want to see."

The tears in Seokjin's eyes were flowing freely at that point, rolling down his cheeks and dripping onto his pillow. "There's not really a part of me that's as beautiful as you think-"

"Bullshit. That part is absolutely there, and I'm so glad I got to see it. You're beautiful, hyung, inside and out. I'm so lucky I got to know about that part. Thank you for opening your heart to me. I'm so glad I got to see past your shell and know the person inside. You're wonderful, Seokjinnie. And you're not a burden and you never will be." He smiled, and Seokjin's heart fluttered. No, wait, that shouldn't be happening. Was he falling in love with Namjoon? No, he couldn't, what if-

"Okay, so your ankle's just strained," Namjoon said, interrupting his thoughts. "Pretty badly, but it should be okay by tomorrow. Trust me, this kind of thing happens to me all the time." He laughed and then left the room, returning with an ice pack. Then he climbed into bed with Seokjin and just held him quietly, stroking his hair and occasionally rubbing his back. Seokjin tried to ignore the butterflies in his stomach.

Chapter Text

When Seokjin returned to class, people stared. He'd changed several classes, so he had to interact with a variety of new people. A few of them also whispered, mainly things along the lines of he's in this class now? Seokjin pretended not to hear, but he felt unwanted. Of course, he was used to that. It was fine.

Music class, though, was a different story. His classmates stared and whispered and a couple of them outright glared at him. Solbin didn't meet his gaze. Jimin smiled and waved. Choi Seungho stood up and approached him, a frown on his face.

"You're a spoiled brat, Seokjin," Seungho hissed. "Did you really think you had the right to just throw a fit and walk out? Spoiler alert: you didn't, and you came off as being even more of an asshole than I thought. But that's not the point." He grabbed Seokjin's shirt collar and pulled him closer. "Seunghoon was a good friend of mine for a while, you know. We have similar names and we both like music and hate your guts. But he crossed a line by attacking you. I may hate you, but I want you to know that I'm on your side in this. Seunghoon was wrong, that's all there is to it." He released Seokjin and returned to where he'd been sitting. Jimin immediately replaced him.

"Come sit down," the younger boy said. Seokjin nodded and they sat down together. Jimin didn't say anything, only pulled out a notebook. Around them, people were still talking.

"I didn't know Seokjin had friends," a girl said, a bit too loudly.

"Why wouldn't he have friends?" Her companion asked. "Everyone's got friends. And Namjoon seems to like him. They're obviously buddies."

"Yeah, but Seokjin's, like, super lame. There's nothing interesting about him except his looks. He doesn't seem like a great person to be friends with."

"His song was interesting, though. Maybe there's more to him than just rich guy."

"Huh. Whatever."

Seokjin forced himself to stop listening. The first girl's words stung, and he wanted to curl up into a ball and cry. He took a deep breath, struggling to maintain his emotionless facade. Namjoon sat down next to him and instantly noticed there was something wrong.

"Hey, hyung," Namjoon said quietly. "You okay?" When the only response was a small shrug, he rested his hand on Seokjin's forearm. "Is something bothering you or are you just acting emotionless?"

"...Both," Seokjin admitted. "I'll tell you later, okay?"

"Tell me too," Jimin chimed in. "I'm worried." 

"I'll tell you later," Seokjin repeated. Namjoon and Jimin still seemed concerned, but they didn't say anything else, which Seokjin was infinitely grateful for. Class started, and Seokjin found himself glancing over at Namjoon more often than normal. About halfway through class, he realized with a jolt of panic that he really was falling in love. No, no, no, he couldn't love Namjoon. They were just friends, that was all. Right? Oh god, what if Namjoon felt the same? 

"Hi," Jimin whispered, jolting him out of his thoughts. "Earth to Seokjin. Wake up, this is important."

Seokjin blinked and nodded quickly, focusing his gaze on the professor.

"Not only will you have to compose a song, but you'll also have to film a music video. Yes, you can work in groups."

They would have to film a music video. Excitement shot through Seokjin, forcing his fear aside. Finally, finally, he would get to act. Hopefully everything would work out.

----------

"Okay, guys," Namjoon was saying. Several hours had passed since music class, and Seokjin, Namjoon, and Jimin had gotten Taehyung, Yoongi, Hoseok, and Jungkook to work with them on their project.

"We're listening," Yoongi replied dryly. Namjoon gave him a look that clearly said shut up.

"We have a month to do this," Jimin said. "We need to compose a song and film a music video. You guys up for it?"

"Hell yeah," Hoseok replied. "The song should be a love song, but like, a really dark and angsty one. I'm really feeling that right now."

"You okay?" Taehyung asked him.

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine. I just watched Train To Busan so I'm in that dark I miss you, please don't leave me kind of mood. Can you believe so many characters died?"

"It's a zombie movie," Yoongi cut in. "What do you expect? Anyway, let's all work together on the song. Music class people, you guys get everything started. Write lyrics, make the beat, stuff like that. Then we can all work together to fine-tune it. Hoseok, let's go with your idea. Dark and angsty love song. Taehyung and Seokjin, can you guys come up with the concept of the video?"

Excitement flared through Seokjin. If he and Taehyung were in charge of the video, he would definitely get to act. "Yeah," he said. "We can do that."

"Yep," Taehyung agreed. "This'll be awesome." 

----------

A week later, the song was complete. It was called I Need U, and it matched up with Hoseok's idea almost to the letter. It was a sad song about a painful romance, and Seokjin found himself thinking about how it was sort of like a romantic version of his own life.

Because of you, I'm becoming ruined.

I'm sorry. (I hate you.)  I love you. (I hate you.)

Why do I keep needing you when I know I'll get hurt?

I go down and down, at this point I'm just a fool.

Why am I hurting alone?

Yoongi had pointed out that saying I need you boy would result in backlash and bullying, maybe even violence, so the song said girl instead. The others hadn't been too happy with that. Seokjin had kept his opinions to himself. Yoongi was right. Lying wasn't so bad.

The group was standing in a room they'd rented from a hotel and set up just for the video. Seokjin walked over to the plain white bed and sat down. This was his moment to shine, he realized. Excitement was coursing through his veins. Taehyung turned the camera on. 

"Action," he said. Seokjin forced himself to cry. A tear rolled down his cheek. Thank god for waterproof makeup, he would've thought if he hadn't been entirely focused on the task at hand.

"Aaand cut," Taehyung said. "That was awesome, hyung. I could feel the sadness there." He smiled, and Seokjin suddenly felt needed. They moved to his next scene.

"Action."

He stayed seated on the bed and simply stared blankly into the camera. The goal was to look hollow and haunted, and based on the impressed looks of his friends he'd nailed it. Of course he had. That was his default facial expression. He smiled triumphantly as they moved to the next scene.

"Action."

Seokjin curled into himself on the bed, acting like he was in pain. He buried his face in the white sheets and curled tighter. The scene ended. The next one began. Seokjin held white lily petals in his hands. He moved from the bed to kneel on the floor. He placed the lilies on the ground. 

"Seokjin looks so dead inside in all these," Yoongi commented as they reviewed the footage.

"Funny," Seokjin replied. "This is the most alive I've felt in a long time."

Chapter Text

The music video shooting took two days. On the first day, Namjoon found himself staring at Seokjin, who was dressed in a white shirt and tight black shorts that showed off surprisingly muscular legs. It took all his energy not to gawk, even more so whenever Seokjin moved and his legs got exposed even more. Namjoon couldn't help but stare as Seokjin curled up on the bed, his shirt stretching over his broad shoulders. God, he was handsome.

On the second day, when the boys ran around together and had fun rather than acting sad, Namjoon couldn't stop looking at Seokjin's face. He'd been smiling so much since they started filming, and now that he had to smile for the video he looked even happier. Whenever the camera was off, Namjoon kept expecting him to slip back into emotionless mode, but the smile never left his face. That, in Namjoon's opinion, was true beauty. Seokjin's smile was radiant, the epitome of loveliness.

"Hyung," Namjoon said during a short break that evening. It was bitterly cold, so Seokjin was sitting in the black truck they'd borrowed from Jungkook's father, and he smiled as Namjoon slid into the passenger seat. 

"Hi, Namjoon," the older boy replied. He seemed so happy. It was amazing. 

"Hi," Namjoon replied. "Mind if I join you?"

"No. I don't mind."

Namjoon smiled and closed the door. "You're a really good actor, hyung," he said. "Like, really good."

"Thanks," Seokjin said, suddenly looking flustered. Namjoon could see his ears turn pink, although he looked down at his lap. When he looked up again, he was still smiling. The little ceiling light bathed him in a warm, flattering glow. Namjoon's heart skipped a beat.

"Also, you should smile more often," he added. "Your smile is so beautiful."

Seokjin's eyes widened in surprise, and a strange expression - fear, maybe? - flickered across his face. "Beautiful?" He echoed. Namjoon nodded.

"Yeah. Beautiful."

"I, um, thanks." He suddenly seemed weirdly nervous. Was he okay? 

"Uh, hyung?" Namjoon asked hesitantly. "You look sort of... uneasy. Are you okay?"

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine," Seokjin reassured him quickly. "Don't worry. I'm okay."

"You sure?"

"Yes, Namjoon, I'm sure." He turned away to stare out the window, and Namjoon noticed him biting his lip anxiously. He looked downright scared now. He even looked a little pale, but maybe Namjoon was just imagining that. After a few seconds, he got out of the truck and walked over to where Taehyung was playing tag with Jungkook and Jimin. At that moment, as he watched Seokjin walk away, Namjoon realized something that, in hindsight, had been stupidly obvious the whole time: he had a crush on Seokjin.

Suddenly, a whole lot of things made a whole lot of sense.

----------

Despite the strange moment they'd had in the truck, there was no tension between Namjoon and Seokjin. Everything went back to normal almost immediately, and before they started filming their last few scenes, Seokjin approached Namjoon and explained his weird behavior.

"I had a panic attack," he explained. "I'm sorry. I just-"

"Hey, it's okay," Namjoon reassured him. "I'm not mad or anything. Are you feeling better now?"

"Yeah. Thanks for asking. It's really nice to know people care about you, y'know?" He smiled, and Namjoon was barely able to resist the urge to hug and kiss him. A hug would probably be fine, but Namjoon was pretty sure a kiss wouldn't go over too well. He settled for placing a hand on the older boy's shoulder.

"If it happens again, you can come to me too," he said with a smile. "I'll be there for you whenever you need me."

"Thanks," Seokjin replied. He wrapped his arms around Namjoon, who hugged him back without hesitation. "You're a good friend, Namjoon-ah. I'm so glad I met you. I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me."

"Why can't you?"

"Because I can't put it into words, that's why. I don't know how. I'm sorry."

Namjoon hugged Seokjin tighter. "Don't apologize," he murmured. "You apologize too much for things you haven't done wrong. I understand that you can't easily put that in words. I get it. And, you know, I'm kinda like that too. You mean too much to me for words, unless I'm writing a song. Seokjinnie, your compliments make me feel so valid. Knowing the real you made me realize there's beauty in everything, even the coldest, most robotic person. And... well, what I'm trying to say is that you make me so happy, and I just really hope I make you feel the same. You deserve to be happy, hyung."

Before Seokjin could reply, Jimin skipped over to them. "Hey, guys, not to ruin your tender moment, but we're gonna film now," he said. Seokjin released Namjoon and stepped back. 

"Alright," he said, seeming excited again. "Come on, Namjoon. Let's go act!"

----------

Later that night, Namjoon flopped down on the couch with a sigh. Hoseok, who was already sitting there, looked over at him.

"You good?" 

"Yeah," Namjoon replied. "Well, mostly. I've come to a realization."

Hoseok raised an eyebrow. "A realization?" He asked. "What did you realize?"

Namjoon sighed again. "I'm in love."

"Wait, what? With whom? Come on, Joon, tell me! Spill the tea! You can't just say you're in love and not tell me who you're in love with!"

"Seokjin."

"Oh my god, I knew it!" Hoseok crowed. "I knew it would be him! Jimin and I ship you two so hard-"

"Hoseok," Namjoon interrupted with a groan. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"Nope. We really do ship you."

"Oh my god. Well, anyway, yeah. I like him and I'm not really sure what to do about that? I mean, if I ask him out and he says no, things'll get awkward between us and I really don't want that, but I'm not sure I can just hide my feelings from him forever. I'd let something slip or he'd figure it out himself."

"Yeah, you've got a point. But the thing is that I think Seokjin needs you too much to let things get awkward. You're like his backup Taehyung, you know? And since Tae's got his relationship thingy with Jimin, he can't give Seokjin undivided attention at all times, so you're really important. Seokjin really needs your friendship, I think. You're really important to him. So I think he'd try not to let things get awkward."

"I'm more than just a backup Taehyung to him," Namjoon replied. "Much more than that, I think."

"So you're even more important to him than I thought. That'll make things even less awkward. Don't worry, Joon. I kinda get the feeling he's gay, too."

"You do?"

"Yeah. I mean, I've seen him interacting with flirty girls and he never looks happy to be around them. And I'm pretty sure he knows about Taehyung and Jimin, so he's probably not homophobic. And you know that time we played never have I ever? He was one of the people who said he had never had gay sex, and did you see the look Taehyung gave him? It was what I call the wait, you're a virgin? look. Believe me, that's what that look meant. Also, he just gives off that vibe, y'know. He just seems gay. So I think you're good."

"He still might not like me back-"

"Dude, have you noticed the way he interacts with you? He totally likes you, at least a little bit. I mean, think about it. The day we watched Frozen together he texted you asking for advice. The way he hugs you is pretty suspicious, too-"

"He just wants affection," Namjoon replied. "It's not necessarily romantic."

"Oh my god, Namjoon, you're so oblivious. He wants affection from you specifically. That's pretty gay, if I do say so myself. I bet he feels something for you. I mean, think about it."

Namjoon did think about it, and the more he thought the more he realized that yeah, Seokjin did seem to have some feelings for him. The day he and Taehyung had been reunited, he'd told Taehyung that Namjoon was handsome. He'd gone to Namjoon for help writing that song, and he'd been so comfortable while they'd worked on it together. He'd let Namjoon comfort him and offer him reassurance on so many occasions. He'd been the one to invite Namjoon out for coffee. He'd asked Namjoon for help when he'd hurt his ankle. He trusted Namjoon with his emotions. Hoseok was right that Namjoon meant a lot to him. 

"Hoseok," Namjoon breathed. "You might actually be right."

"Yeah," Hoseok replied. "I might be."

"Should I just tell him how I feel?"

"Yeah, man. Go for it. He'll at least be happy to hear that he's loved, even if he doesn't feel the same."

"Okay," Namjoon replied. "I'll do that soon."

"Alright! Good luck. Oh, by the way," he added, "that party I've been talking about is this Saturday at Jimin's house. His dad's gonna be out of town for the weekend to to visit a friend in Busan and Jimin's taking the opportunity and hosting the party then. Be there or be square, my friend. It'll be great, I promise."

"Okay," Namjoon said. "I'll ask Seokjin out and go to the party. I'm gonna be really fucking productive this week, hyung. Wish me luck."

----------

On Wednesday, the sky was overcast and a chilly wind was sweeping through the trees, but Namjoon didn't mind. He sat in his last class of the day, staring out the window at the gray sky. Today would be the day he told Seokjin how he felt, and he would be lying if he said he wasn't nervous. He was excited, though, because Hoseok had been constantly encouraging him for the past couple days. 

As soon as class ended, Namjoon walked outside and went around to the back of the building. He'd asked Seokjin to meet him there, and he was pretty sure his friend would show up. So he sat down on the grass and waited, leaning against the wall behind him. It was sprinkling a little, and tiny raindrops occasionally fell on Namjoon's face. The cold breeze ruffled his blue hair. A couple minutes passed and then, finally, Seokjin arrived. As soon as he rounded the corner, his stiff, emotionless expression was replaced by one of curiosity. Namjoon smiled, pushed aside the anxiety that had been gnawing at him all afternoon, and rose to his feet.

"Hey, hyung," he said. "You made it. I'm glad."

Seokjin smiled right back. "How are you?" He asked. "Is everything okay? Do you need some emotional support or something? Because I'm not sure if I can give you what you need-"

"Oh, no, I wanted to talk to you in private and I thought the weather was nice so I decided we could talk out here."

"The weather's not nice. I'm freezing!" He wrapped his arms around himself for emphasis, and Namjoon shrugged.

"In my defense, it was nicer at lunch," he said. 

"True," Seokjin agreed. "So what did you want to talk about?"

"Well, so we were filming that music video," Namjoon began, "and you're a really good actor. You looked really nice in the outfits we picked for you and... and the brown hairspray looked good. Brown hair looks good on you."

Namjoon might have been imagining it, but he was pretty sure Seokjin's ears and cheeks turned a little pink at that. Maybe it was just the cold, but Namjoon hoped he was blushing.

"Thanks," the older boy said. "I... thanks." He stepped forward and pulled Namjoon into a hug. "You're a really good person, you know that? I wish I could be like you."

Namjoon buried his face in Seokjin's shoulder in an attempt to hide the flush that was creeping over his face. "You're a good person too," he mumbled. "Oh, and, I wanted to tell you something else." He raised his head again and looked into Seokjin's eyes. God, he was so pretty. Namjoon wondered if he could get the words out. "I... I think you're really handsome, hyung." He noticed Seokjin stiffen a bit, but he continued on. "Both inside and out. Your personality is just as amazing as your looks."

"T-thanks, Namjoon-ah. Thank you."

"No, really. You're so strong and brave and lovable. I don't know why I hated you, because now... now I love you. Like... romantically. Seokjin, hyung, will you be my boyfriend?"

Seokjin blanched. His eyes went almost comically wide, but the look in them was pure terror. He looked so afraid in that moment that Namjoon, who was suddenly afraid himself, couldn't help hugging him tighter. That wasn't a good idea, though, because suddenly Seokjin was shoving him away with so much force Namjoon stumbled back and fell on his ass.

"Absolutely not," Seokjin cried, taking several steps backward. "I can't date you, Namjoon! Leave me alone! Stay away from me!" His voice rose with every word, and he still looked utterly terrified. He turned and ran away, leaving Namjoon to sit alone and heartbroken on the ground. The rain started falling harder. Tears welled up in Namjoon's eyes, mingling with raindrops as they fell. Namjoon started sobbing uncontrollably and buried his face in his hands. The rain worsened and the ground under him became muddy, but he didn't move. He sat there for nearly an hour until his tears ebbed enough for him to stop sobbing and wailing at the gray sky above him. Even as he shakily rose to his feet and picked up his things, tears rolled down his cheeks. Seokjin's words stung like icy knives in his heart.

Leave me alone!

Stay away from me!

Even as he walked back home, drenched in rainwater and head hanging and mud soaking his jeans, he couldn't get Seokjin's terrified face out of his mind.

Why had he looked so scared?

Chapter Text

When Namjoon got back to his apartment, Yoongi, Jungkook, and Hoseok were sitting on the couch together. Hoseok and Yoongi seemed to be helping Jungkook with his homework. All three of them looked up when Namjoon walked in.

"Namjoon!" Hoseok cried, alarm evident in both his expression and his voice. "Are you okay? What happened to you?"

"He- he rejected me," Namjoon replied with a sniffle. "He rejected me!"

"Who rejected you?" Yoongi asked. "And why are you all muddy?"

"Seokjin!" Namjoon wailed. "Seokjin rejected me! And- and he was so mean about it, too..."

"Seokjin rejected you?" Jungkook echoed. "But... but his body language when you two talk-! He's totally into you!"

"That's what we thought," Hoseok replied bitterly. "Namjoon, go change your clothes. You're soaked! Then we'll talk about this, okay?"

Namjoon nodded and shuffled into his room, all but slamming the door behind him. Why had Seokjin rejected him? Jungkook and Hoseok were right; Seokjin did seem to have felt the same. So why had he shoved Namjoon away like he had? And why had he looked so scared? 

With a choked sob, Namjoon dropped his things and yanked off his clothes, quickly changing into his pajamas. He flopped onto his bed with another sob, feeling more upset by the way Seokjin had rejected him than the rejection itself. Tears were soaking his cheeks and dripping onto the bed. He screamed into his pillow, trying to get the worst of his pain out so he wouldn't end up taking it out on his friends, and when screaming didn't do as much as he'd hoped he punched the pillow instead. He got his phone out and stared at his lock screen, which was a selca he'd taken with Seokjin and Hoseok, and he started crying harder. 

After a moment, he decided to change his lock screen, but he ended up with one shaking finger hovering over the change wallpaper button. He couldn't bring himself to change it, so he gave up and logged onto Instagram. The latest picture was one of him and Seokjin when they were filming the I Need U music video. Then there were three memes, and then a picture of Seokjin and Taehyung sitting on Seokjin's couch, and then a picture of Seokjin (with Jimin in the background) in music class, and then a picture of Yoongi typing away on his computer and paying no attention to Namjoon, and then a picture of Taehyung and Jimin hugging, and then more memes. Namjoon stopped scrolling. There were more pictures of Seokjin, and he didn't want to look at them. He texted Seokjin, hoping for an explanation of the way he'd acted. Any reply would be nice, though. Any positive reply, that is.

Namjoon

Hyung, I'm sorry

I'm so sorry

please forgive me

I still want to be your friend

don't hurt yourself or anything

Seokjin

this is taehyung

seokjin wants to be left alone for a while, okay?

we're staying at a hotel for the next few days until jimin's party

i'll make jin go to the party and i'll see if i can get you two to work things out

but right now he doesn't want to be around people

Seokjin

he doesn't hate you and didn't want to be mean about rejecting you

he's just scared

i'll tell him you said sorry and that you don't want him to hurt himself

don't be mad at yourself, okay? love isn't something you can control

it's not my jurisdiction to tell you exactly what he's thinking and feeling but just know he only rejected you out of fear

Namjoon:

okay

thanks, Tae

Seokjin:

np 

Namjoon put his phone down, feeling comforted by the information Taehyung had given him, and returned to the living room. Hoseok immediately grabbed him and pulled him into a hug, and once the four of them were sitting on the couch Yoongi started talking.

"So can you explain this?" He asked. "I had no idea you even liked him."

"I do," Namjoon replied with a sigh. "I like him a lot. Hoseok told me to just go for it and ask him out instead of brooding over my feelings, so I did and now this happened. Taehyung texted me, though. He said Seokjin rejected me out of fear and that he doesn't hate me, so that's reassuring."

"What do you mean, rejected you out of fear? What's he afraid of?"

"I... I don't know. I kinda took it as internalized homophobia."

"Maybe he's afraid of what his family will think," Jungkook suggested. "If his parents are homophobic, they might disown him for being gay, and I think that would completely crush him. Or maybe he thinks he's not good enough for you and would only drag you down. You know, like Napstablook from Undertale."

"Napstablook is too good to drag anyone down," Hoseok said. 

"Right, but he doesn't think that. It's the same with Seokjin, I think. His self-esteem is so low he thinks he'd only hurt Namjoon by dating him."

"Does he not realize that he'll hurt Namjoon more by not dating him?" Yoongi asked.

"I'm sure he realizes that he'll hurt Namjoon by rejecting him," Jungkook replied. "But he thinks he'll cause Namjoon more pain in the long run by dating him. Namjoon, if you do end up dating Seokjin, don't expect to be able to solve all his problems with a little love. Like, he needs love, he needs to be reminded that he matters, but those things alone won't make it all better. However his family treated him, it probably left some nasty scars and those probably won't ever go away. That kind of thing can really break a person. He needs more than just love. Problems like that can't be solved overnight. Take care of him. And that goes for all of us, really. As his friends it's our duty to support him and lift him up."

Namjoon nodded. "Got it."

"The next time you see him, talk to him about this," Jungkook told him. "Be gentle and give him space, but make it clear that this is something you two need to work out so things don't get too awkward. Whether or not you two end up dating is up to you guys, but either way you need to make sure to work things out. Got it?"

"Yeah. Thanks, Kook-ah. You're... you're a real lifesaver, you know that?" He pulled Jungkook into a hug, and then Hoseok and Yoongi joined the hug as well. Namjoon ended up with his friends all comforting him and telling him that everything would be okay, and despite everything he believed them.

Chapter Text

Every part of Seokjin was hurting. His stomach hurt because of something he'd eaten, his fingers were sore, he had a terrible headache, and all that paled in comparison to the emotional anguish he was feeling. He'd hoped taking a warm bath would help, but the water was starting to get cold and he still felt just as shitty as before. 

He shouldn't have pushed Namjoon away like that. He'd realized that immediately, and he'd instantly regretted being so harsh, but he'd been so afraid. He still was. He was terrified, so he'd pushed Namjoon away and cut himself off from everyone except Taehyung. It was cowardly and he knew it, but, he thought, that was who he was.

If there was one word to describe Kim Seokjin, it was cowardly.

He changed himself for others. He ran from his own demons. Instead of trying to work his problems out he hid from them. He pushed people away because he was afraid. He tried to be as complacent and status quo-abiding as he could so people would praise him. He sacrificed his own happiness in his never-ending quest for approval. He never stood up for himself, at least most of the time. 

Seokjin was a coward.

A fake, selfish, pathetic coward.

To make matters worse he was clingy and possessive and demanding and worthless. He wondered why his friends stuck around him; after all, he was all take and no give in any kind of relationship.

He was an emotional vampire.

A leech.

It was a wonder he had any friends at all, wasn't it?

It was, he decided. He wasn't a good friend. 

"Hyung?" Taehyung's voice jolted him out of his thoughts. The younger boy was knocking on the bathroom door. Seokjin decided to get out of the bath. 

"Yeah?" He replied.

"I'm just making sure you're not, like, drowning yourself or anything," Taehyung replies. "You've been in there a while."

"Yeah, sorry, I'm just finishing up my bath now." He climbed out of the tub and let the water drain, watching as it spiraled down and away. It reminded him of himself, forever caught in a downward spiral he couldn't escape no matter how hard he tried. The water, though, was carefree. It was just water. Its spiral didn't consist of a desire for approval and validation, then a lack of approval and validation, then self-hatred and depression. 

The pristine white hotel towel was soft against Seokjin's skin, and so were his pajamas. He sighed softly, and then he took off his contacts, put on his stupid ugly round glasses, and finally emerged from the bathroom. Taehyung was waiting for him, and they hugged before the younger slipped into the bathroom.

Seokjin shuffled over to where he'd put his things on the table in the corner, rummaged around in his bag, and finally found what he was looking for: a small bottle of ibuprofen. He took two pills and then flopped down on the room's single queen-sized bed and curled up, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in and ease his physical pain.

Taehyung emerged from the bathroom after three more minutes, and he grabbed his wallet and one of the room keys. "I'm going downstairs," he announced. "Gonna get some stuff from the vending machine in the lobby." He smiled and left the room, and Seokjin sighed heavily and covered his eyes with the nearest pillow.

All he could think about was Namjoon. Namjoon, Namjoon, Namjoon. He regretted pushing his friend away like he had. Maybe he should've just explained why he was so afraid. Namjoon would've listened and tried to help out. If he'd just talked about his problems, he wouldn't be laying on a hotel bed halfway across town. He wouldn't be hurting so much. He probably wouldn't have such a nasty headache.

After a little while, Taehyung returned with an armful of candy and chips. "Here, hyung," he said. "Maybe some snacks will help." He dumped the food onto the bed and sat down. Seokjin stared at him and then at the pile of junk food, feeling a little more alarmed than he probably should've been at the sheer amount. His stomach still hurt, but he did like food, and eating would definitely help him destress a little.

"Thanks," he said. Taehyung shrugged and turned on the TV, and they ended up watching some American cartoon for a while. Seokjin ate and stared at the screen, watching as some animated kid developed an unhealthy emotional attraction to a robotic toilet, and beside him Taehyung fell asleep. Steven Universe came on next, and although it was an episode Seokjin had already seen - he'd actually seen them all so far - he gladly watched it with the same level of enjoyment as when he'd seen it for the first time. Then that ended and the world's longest commercial break happened, and Seokjin changed the channel. He settled for rewatching the first Star Wars movie, which he'd seen so many times he had most of the quotes memorized. He quietly mouthed them instead of actually saying them with the characters because he didn't want to wake up Taehyung, but about a quarter of the way in the younger boy woke up anyway. He blinked at Seokjin, stared groggily at the unreasonable amount of food wrappers on the bed, and sat bolt upright.

"Seokjin," he said, sounding equally exasperated and concerned. "Don't tell me you ate everything."

"I didn't," Seokjin replied. "Only... a little more than half, I think." That was really quite a lot, seeing as Taehyung had practically bought the whole vending machine, and now that it was being pointed out Seokjin was starting to feel it. It occurred to him that he was uncomfortably full and, now that he thought about it, nauseous. He let Taehyung snatch his third bag of Funions and gather up all the remaining snacks.

"I can't believe you, hyung," Taehyung said as he shoved the food into his backpack. "God, I'm glad I woke up when I did. You probably would've eaten yourself sick if I'd let you." He ruffled Seokjin's hair and grabbed as many wrappers as he could hold at once. It only took him a couple trips, and then he sat back down on the bed. "No more snacks tonight," he said. "If you puke on this bed we'll both have to sleep on the floor."

Seokjin nodded and then groaned. "I shouldn't have eaten all that," he mumbled. "I don't feel so good."

"I bet you don't. Are you gonna be sick?"

"Probably."

"Go to the bathroom, then. I swear to god, if you throw up on the bed-"

Seokjin didn't need to be told twice. He got up and walked into the bathroom, Taehyung on his heels, and sat down in front of the toilet. Nothing happened, though, and eventually Seokjin fell asleep leaning against Taehyung, who dragged him off to bed with an exasperated sigh.

Chapter Text

Namjoon stared at his reflection in the mirror, trying desperately to get his hair smoothed out. It was sticking up all over and he wanted it to stop, especially since he'd be going to that party at Jimin's house in twenty minutes. He finally managed to get his hair situated after a good deal of frustration, and once he was satisfied he used some hairspray to make sure it stayed that way. That was the last thing he needed to do aside from getting his shoes and jacket on. He had a fairly casual outfit, consisting of simple jeans and a white button-down shirt. He put on his shoes - black loafers he'd borrowed from Hoseok - and put on a shimmery gray-green jacket that hung loosely and added a bit of color to his otherwise monochrome outfit.

"Are you ready to go yet?" Hoseok asked. "The party's gonna start in, like, fifteen minutes and I still need to pick up some fruit punch from the store. We're already gonna be late."

"Yeah, I'm ready," Namjoon replied. "Jimin's house is that little two-story one next to Seokjin and Yoongi's building?"

"Yep. Come on, Joon, let's go!" He dragged Namjoon out the door, and the two of them got into Hoseok's car and drove to the nearest convenience store. Fortunately, the store in question had three two-liter bottles of Hawaiian Punch, and Hoseok bought all three. The cashier was a girl Namjoon knew from one of his classes.

"Hi," she said. "You two look stylish. Are you going to that party at Park Jimin's house?"

"Yeah," Hoseok said. He was wearing an oversized orange coat, a Supreme t-shirt, black jeans, and a goddamn bucket hat, so he definitely didn't look like he was just wandering around aimlessly. 

"I'll be there too," the girl said. "My shift here ends in five minutes." 

They left the convenience store and - finally - headed to Jimin's house. Namjoon felt anxiety settling itself in the pit of his stomach like a cold weight, and he wondered why. Maybe he was nervous about seeing Seokjin again and talking about the whole rejection thing. Maybe it was just random anxiety. 

As soon as they walked into Jimin's house, they were met with lots of people, most of whom were just standing around and talking despite the fact that there was music playing. It was clear that the party was only just getting started. Jimin pranced over to them, dressed in black leather pants and a loose gray-and-white shirt. 

"Seokjin was right," Namjoon said without thinking. "You do have amazing thighs."

Jimin burst out laughing. "I'm taken," he said, "but thanks."

"Why the fuck were you and Seokjin discussing Jimin's thighs?" Hoseok asked. "And, you know, it's not like Jimin wears loose thigh-hiding pants. It's pretty obvious that he's got nice legs."

"The leather just makes them look very..." Namjoon searched for the words and then, when he wasn't able to find them, gave up. "That doesn't matter."

"Well, anyway," Jimin said, "Namjoon, just so you know, Hoseok and Taehyung helped me set all this up- oh, hey, Jungkook! You made it!"

"Yeah," Jungkook said, joining the group alongside another kid his age. "My mom thinks I'm at a sleepover, though. This is my friend Yugyeom," he added. "His sister sounds like their mom on the phone, so she told my mom I'd be over at Yugyeom's house for the night. And Yug's mom just doesn't care, so yeah. We're both here."

"Hi," Yugyeom chimed in. "I'm Jungkook's friend."

"You two aren't allowed to drink," Hoseok told them. "You're too young. We won't let you."

"Yeah," Jimin agreed. "We've got soda, though."

Jungkook and Yugyeom agreed to that and wandered off, and Namjoon and Hoseok walked away as well. Jimin stayed by the door to welcome any other latecomers. 

"Alright, guys," Hoseok called. "Let's get this party started!" He started dancing shamelessly, showing off an impressive collection of moves. Every motion seemed natural and graceful, no matter how jerky or fluid it was. Everyone in the room turned to watch him. The carpet under his feet became a stage. Namjoon wished he could dance like that.

Not five minutes later, Seokjin and Taehyung arrived. Taehyung yelled that they were fashionably late, earning a facepalm from Seokjin and racous laughter from Jimin. Namjoon turned to look at them, and his breath caught in his throat when he saw Seokjin.

The older boy was dressed in black skinny jeans with very revealing rips in them, rips that exposed a lot of skin. His shirt was loose and shimmery and magenta, but Namjoon didn't care about that. He was more focused on those legs. And yeah, he'd seen Seokjin's legs before, but those jeans made him look so sexy.

"Hey, Namjoon, close your mouth," Hoseok said, interrupting Namjoon's thoughts. Namjoon blushed and tore his gaze away from Seokjin. Beside him, Hoseok was sipping some kind of drink out of a plastic cup. He'd stopped dancing, but he'd effectively gotten most other people to start.

"I just, uh-"

"Seokjin?"

Namjoon nodded glumly. "Seokjin."

Hoseok patted him on the back encouragingly. "Just go talk to him once he gets fairly drunk," he suggested. "He'll be more open then. Just be patient." He turned to the other people around them. "Who wants to play never have I ever? The stripping version, of course. What else did you guys expect from me?"

Namjoon sighed and turned back toward the door, only to find that Seokjin and Taehyung had vanished. Namjoon decided to follow Hoseok's advice, so for the time being he joined the game.

Fifteen minutes later, he left that group and wandered away. Jimin had a lot of friends, he realized. He didn't even recognize some of them. He quietly left the living room and walked up the stairs, pausing at the top and staring down the darkened upstairs hallway. If there was anyone else up there, they would be either making out or actually fucking. Namjoon went back downstairs but lingered in the hall instead of heading back into the living room. He needed to stay sober and calm until after he'd talked to Seokjin.

The girl from the convenience store rounded the corner and her eyes widened when she saw him. "Hey, handsome," she said, voice heavily slurred. 

"Uh, hey," Namjoon replied awkwardly. "How are you so drunk already?"

"Oh, someone spiked the punch or some shit," the girl replied with a dismissive hand wave. "Anyway, what're you doing back here? It's a party. Ooh, are you back here waiting for a kiss? I'll kiss you."

"Um, n- mmph!" Namjoon was cut off by the girl's lips crashing against his own. He tried to politely push her away, but she was surprisingly strong and the way she was pinning him against the wall prevented him from moving too much. She tasted overwhelmingly of alcohol and Hawaiian Punch, a horrible combination in Namjoon's book. He squirmed and tried to get away, but the girl wouldn't budge. Off to Namjoon's left, down the hall, one of the stairs creaked. A moment later, the girl was being pulled away. She and Namjoon both turned to face the newcomer, who turned out to be none other than Seokjin.

"Hyung," Namjoon breathed. Seokjin's eyes flicked in his direction for a second, and that was the only acknowledgement he got. 

"Oh, hey," the girl said, still sounding just as drunk and flirty as before. "You're even more handsome than he is, you know that?" She reached up to run shimmery pink nails along Seokjin's jawline. Seokjin recoiled and gently pushed her away.

"Don't touch me," he said coldly. "And leave Namjoon alone."

"Oh, but oppa," the girl whined, "you're so pretty. Come on, don't you want to kiss me?" She took a step forward and rested her hands on Seokjin's broad shoulders, managing to trail one down to his slim waist before he pushed her away again, harder this time.

"I don't like you," Seokjin growled. "Leave me alone. Leave us alone."

"Why should I? Why don't you like me?"

"Because," Seokjin snapped. He hesitated for a split second before adding, "I'm gay."

The girl's eyes widened and she opened her mouth even though no words came out. As if to prove his point, Seokjin grabbed Namjoon by the shoulders and pulled him into a kiss. Exhilaration raced through Namjoon's body, shooting through him like electricity through metal. Suddenly he was flying, filled with passion and adrenaline. Everything was Seokjin. All he could sense was Seokjin's touch, his kiss, his plush lips. He kissed back, love and passion fueling him. He felt so alive yet so intoxicated, love and lust and Seokjin all merging to send him spiraling into utter euphoria.

The kiss ended just as soon as it began, and Seokjin pulled back and spun to face the girl. Namjoon reached for him. The girl looked like Seokjin had just stabbed someone. She stared at him in shock, and then her eyes slowly traveled to Namjoon.

"You too?" She asked quietly. Namjoon nodded, and the girl turned back to Seokjin. "You're gay?" She asked incredulously, almost as if Seokjin hadn't just kissed another man right in front of her. "You're gay," she repeated when Seokjin nodded. "Gay. You're gay." She paused and then ran out into the living room. "Kim Seokjin is gay," she shrieked. "He's gay!"

"We been knew, sis," Taehyung yelled in response. Seokjin turned and started walking back toward the stairs. Namjoon reached out and grabbed his wrist.

"Hyung, wait," he said. "We need to talk." 

Seokjin nodded. "We do," he agreed. "Come on, let's go upstairs." He led Namjoon up into the master bedroom and closed the door before flopping down on the bed. "I'm sorry for pushing you away," he said quietly. "I was just scared." He paused. "Look at me, saying was like I'm not still terrified."

"Sexuality crisis?"

"No, actually. I've known I was gay since, what, seventh grade? I think it was seventh grade when I figured that out. I'm just afraid of what my parents would think if they found out. Conservative family, you know? But... yeah. I just don't want them to hate me even more." He looked up at Namjoon, tears sparkling in his eyes, and Namjoon pulled him into a hug.

"Seokjinnie," he murmured. "Oh, hyung, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this. It must hurt, huh?"

"Yeah. I- Namjoon, I'm so scared. I don't know if they'll accept me or not, and if they don't... I don't know what I'd do. I've tried so hard to gain their approval, and if they disown me or something I think I'd just... break. That's the ultimate form of rejection. I don't want them to reject me. I need to know I mean something to them. I need that validation, Namjoon, I need it so much." He grasped Namjoon's hands and clung to them like a lifeline. There were tears rolling down his cheeks now, ruining the lovely makeup he was wearing. "I'm sorry, I'm not good at expressing my emotions, but I'm just so afraid. I don't want my efforts to be in vain. I just- I just want my parents to love me."

Namjoon squeezed his hands. "I'm so sorry. This must be really hard for you. I wish I could make it better, but I don't know if I really can. I don't know how."

"Just letting me talk about it helps," Seokjin told him. "And... you and Taehyung and Jimin and Yoongi and Hoseok and Jungkook all do what my family never did. You guys make me feel wanted. Just the fact that you obviously care about me helps so much. You make me feel so valid and loved and important. Oh god, I shouldn't have pushed you away. It was just like what my family does to me. I'm so sorry, Namjoonie, I shouldn't have done that!" 

"Everyone makes mistakes sometimes," Namjoon replied. "And yeah, it hurt, but I understood. Taehyung told me you were scared. You just needed space, didn't you?"

"I don't know what I needed."

Namjoon made a sympathetic noise and released Seokjin's hands in favor of holding him close. He gently stroked the older boy's hair with one hand and rubbed his shoulder with the other, trying to comfort him. "It's okay, hyung," he murmured. "I'm not mad at you. If you can forgive me for being an asshole at first, I can forgive you for pushing me away out of fear. That wasn't the right way to handle it, but it's a learning experience and you had a good reason. It's okay."

"I love you, Namjoon," Seokjin mumbled. "I was just too afraid to say yes. I don't know what to do, you know? I feel like I'm trapped. I don't know which kind of love I want more."

"I can't make that decision for you," Namjoon replied, "but I promise that even if you don't pick me I'll always give you the love and respect you deserve. I'll be here for you no matter what you pick."

"Can I think about it before I give you an answer?"

"Of course. Think as much as you need to."

Seokjin smiled and rested his chin on Namjoon's shoulder. "I'll think, then," he said. "Do you wanna head over to my apartment? I have a bit of a headache and everything going on here isn't really helping. Maybe we can watch a movie or something."

"That sounds nice," Namjoon replied. "Come on, let's go." He stood up and helped Seokjin to his feet, and the two of them crept downstairs and out the back door. It was dark and cold outside, and Namjoon reached for Seokjin's hand. Seokjin tensed up a bit, but he didn't protest and just quietly let Namjoon hold his hand as they walked to his apartment.

Chapter Text

Although he didn't say it, Seokjin liked the feeling of Namjoon's hand in his. It was so soft and warm and soothing, grounding him in reality and protecting him from his own fear and self-loathing. He gripped the younger boy's hand tighter, and beside him Namjoon smiled and tightened his own grasp. They kept holding hands as they walked into the building, and as they stood in the elevator Seokjin stepped over so their shoulders were brushing. He needed that human contact, needed it so much.

Namjoon let go of him once they reached Seokjin's apartment, though. Seokjin reached for him again, but Namjoon shook his head and led him into the bathroom.

"I want to try fixing your makeup," he explained. "It looked really nice before you started crying. You look really good with makeup on," he added. "I mean, you look amazing anyway, but-"

"Thank you, Namjoon-ah," Seokjin said, so quietly he could barely hear himself. "Taehyung convinced me to wear it. I- I like wearing makeup. It makes me feel so pretty. But... I can't, you know? I'm a man. People will judge me."

Namjoon stepped closer and put a hand on Seokjin's shoulder. "They will," he agreed, "but they can't actually stop you. If wearing makeup makes you happy, go for it. I'll even do it with you if you want. We can be pretty together." 

"You'd face everyone's judgment just for me?"

"Absolutely. I'll be there for you no matter what choice you make, remember? Of course I'd do that for you. I love you."

"Thank you, Namjoon." Seokjin smiled at him and took his hands. "I... I love you too. I'll make a decision by tomorrow, okay? I don't want to keep you waiting."

"I'll wait as long as I have to," Namjoon told him. "This is a difficult decision to make, and I understand that. Don't rush yourself. Take as long as you need." He gently squeezed Seokjin's hands. "I'll wait."

"Thanks. Now, um, you wanted to do my makeup?"

"Yeah. Do you have any makeup here..?"

"Oh, yeah. Let me go get it." He left the bathroom and went into his bedroom instead, and then, after rummaging around through a box under his bed, he pulled out a smaller box full of makeup. "Here it is," he said as he returned to the bathroom. "Hopefully it hasn't gone bad. I haven't used it in a while."

Namjoon quickly got to work, and - perhaps surprisingly - did a wonderful job. He stepped back and looked over his work, and then he nodded affirmatively. "Done," he said, and then that lovely dimpled smile of his reappeared. "You look beautiful, Seokjinnie," he said. "Look in the mirror."

Seokjin turned to gaze at his reflection, and what he saw astounded him. The makeup job wasn't as good as the original, but it was still pretty damn amazing. The surprising thing, though, was the fact that he looked so alive. Normally, when he looked at his reflection, he saw nothing but a cold, sad shell of himself. He saw a lonely, neglected young man with an empty, haunted stare. He saw invisible blemishes and flaws, hidden scars, constant tears. When he looked in the mirror, he always looked tired or sad or hollow. But tonight he saw something different.

Tonight he saw life in his face.

He looked bright, aware, awake. There was a sort of cute, innocent look on his face, although that was quickly replaced by a smile he couldn't hide. The hollow stare was replaced by one of childlike wonder.

He looked relaxed. Open. Free. Happy. 

"Seokjin," Namjoon murmured, resting his chin on his shoulder and holding him from behind. "No amount of makeup could make you look as good as you do when you smile."

"What if I'm smiling because of the makeup?"

"Well, I guess in this case it can make you look that good. Because it's making you smile, and you look wonderful when you smile, so it's making you look wonderful." 

"I look wonderful," Seokjin echoed. He wasn't sure if he looked that good, but there was definitely an improvement. "Thank you, Joon-ah. ...You know, when I was in sixth grade Taehyung and I gathered some people and put on a little play for our parents. Mine... didn't show up. My brother did, and he brought all his friends, but my parents weren't there. In that play, I was the main protagonist. The girl who played the villain was taking a drama class I'd wanted to do but couldn't. She told us we all had to wear makeup, even the guys. She was in eighth grade - same as my brother - and her older sister was good at makeup. I complained along with all the other boys until her sister put the makeup on me. I went first," he added. "And once I had it on and looked in the mirror, I realized I really liked it. So then a week later I went into my parents' bathroom and put on some of my mom's makeup while my parents went out to dinner. And I remember wondering if that meant I was a girl, so I looked it up and read that boys can wear makeup too. I did that a lot and finally figured out that I was just a guy who liked to feel pretty. But then I realized it wasn't socially acceptable and I slipped back into being insecure about it." He sighed and lowered his head. "I'm still insecure."

"Don't be," Namjoon replied. "Just be confident. Be yourself." He knelt on the floor and took one of Seokjin's hands. He kissed it, causing a flurry of butterflies to erupt in Seokjin's stomach, and then looked up. "My prince," he said, half-joking. Seokjin tried and failed to stifle a giggle.

"My knight in shining armor," he replied with a smile.

"I'm here to save you from the terrible dragon, Self-Hatred, who is keeping you locked up in this tower. Will your highness allow me to escort you to the safety of my palace?"

"Of course, noble knight." He allowed Namjoon to lead him out onto the couch, where they sat together. Namjoon wrapped his arm around Seokjin's shoulders, pulling him closer but also giving him room to pull away if he wanted. Seokjin, however, pressed himself as close to Namjoon's warmth as he could get, eager for physical affection.

"Namjoon?" He asked after a moment. "Do you really want to be in a relationship with me? Because I don't know if... if it would hurt you, you know? I don't think I'd be very good in a relationship. I mean, I'd probably just be all take and no give. I need constant reassurance but I don't think I'd be able to provide that for you. I already have too many problems and I think that would affect my ability to help you when you need it. But I- I want to help you, you know? I know how it feels to have nobody to talk to. I know how it feels to be alone, and I don't want you to feel the same way. I love you, Namjoon-ah, and I want you to be happy. So just... consider that. You might end up having to do all the work."

"I don't think that'll be the case at all," Namjoon replied, pulling Seokjin into a tight hug as he spoke. "I trust you, hyung. I think that if there are any problems we'll be able to work them out. It's okay, I promise. If we both try our best, it'll work out. I think we just need to be open about our problems so we can work them out. And it'll be okay if we do that. I understand why you're afraid, but I don't think you should worry unless it happens and becomes an issue. I think it'll be alright as long as we try our best." 

Seokjin nodded quietly and leaned forward a little to rest his head against Namjoon's neck. "I'm so afraid, Joon-ah," he mumbled. Namjoon held him tighter.

"It's okay, Seokjinnie, it's okay. No matter what you pick, I'll be there for you. You'll be okay." He ran his hand through Seokjin's hair and then down his back, and Seokjin closed his eyes and relaxed into the touch.

"Promise?"

"I promise." His breath gently ruffled Seokjin's hair like a warm spring breeze as he continued. "I'll be there for you when you need me. You deserve to be loved. You deserve the whole world." He paused for a moment. "You remember that conversation we had with Hoseok about your eyelashes?"

Seokjin hummed affirmatively in response. Of course he remembered that conversation. It had been so confusing and off the wall it was hard not to remember. 

"Yeah, well, that had to do with how I couldn't stop looking at your eyes," Namjoon explained. "I never really thought about it, it just happened, and I'd catch myself just sort of staring. So I said I was jealous of your eyelashes because why else would I be staring at your eyes, y'know?" He chuckled a bit, clearly flustered. 

"I didn't even notice you staring," Seokjin admitted. "I just assumed you were making eye contact because that's what you're supposed to do. I put absolutely no thought into it." 

"Oh. Well, just so you know, I think you have really pretty eyes."

Seokjin's heart swelled at the compliment. "Thank you," he breathed. "You're really sweet, you know that?"

Namjoon smiled shyly as Seokjin looked up at him. "You are too," he mumbled, cheeks flushing bright pink. Seokjin reached up to poke one of his dimples.

"You'd be so nice to date. I wish I had the courage to just accept it and... go for it, you know? I wish I didn't have to think so hard about it. I wish I didn't have to make this choice between you and my parents."

"It's okay, though, hyung. A relationship involves two people, and both of those people should be happy and serious about it. If one person needs time to think about something, it's the other person's responsibility to respect that and be patient." He brushed Seokjin's bangs aside as he spoke. "It's my responsibility to let you make this choice, no matter how long it takes. I'll wait for you." He smiled so sweetly Seokjin nearly forgot how to breathe. "Now, do you want to watch a movie?"

"Yeah. That would be nice."

"What movie?"

"I don't care. Surprise me."

And so they ended up watching Black Panther, with Seokjin curled up against Namjoon and a blanket thrown over both of them. As the movie played, Seokjin found himself glancing up at Namjoon with surprising frequency. He was amazingly handsome, with his dimples and his cute face and his kind eyes, and he was so sweet. He had so much love to give and wasn't afraid to do so. It was so clear that he would love Seokjin unconditionally. In fact, it seemed like he already did.

Suddenly, it dawned on Seokjin. The answer was so obvious: Namjoon would and already did love him and wasn't afraid to show it. If Seokjin chose him, he would feel so much less alone. He would be truly loved. If he chose his parents, he'd always be ignored and unwanted. It was so obvious.

But was it all supposed to be that simple? Was the answer supposed to be that easy? Shouldn't it be harder? Shouldn't it take longer?

Seokjin decided it didn't have to.

"Namjoon," he said softly as the movie drew to a close. "I've made my choice."

Namjoon's eyes widened. "Already?"

"Yeah. Already." Seokjin looked up into Namjoon's eyes and then leaned up and, without waiting for a response, connected their lips.

Chapter Text

The kiss was a little sloppy, partially because of the angle and partially because neither of them were very experienced, but the burst of warmth in Seokjin’s chest more than made up for it. It was nothing like the fake kiss they’d shared earlier, at the party; no, this one felt natural and genuine and truly loving. Seokjin felt like he was born to kiss Namjoon, like the entire universe had aligned to make this possible. The younger boy’s lips felt soft against his own, and Seokjin couldn’t suppress the soft sigh that escaped him in response to the sensation. Their lips moved together, and although it was hardly perfect it was good enough.

After a moment, they pulled apart, and Seokjin found himself gazing up into Namjoon’s eyes. It suddenly seemed like he was seeing him in a whole new way, as if something had changed or a filter had been added or taken away. Was this what it felt like to love someone and know they loved you too? Or was this just a side effect of having your first real kiss? 

“Does this mean you’ve picked me?” Namjoon asked, pulling Seokjin out of his reverie. Seokjin nodded wordlessly, unable to find the words he wanted to say, and the younger boy pulled him into a tight hug. “Thank you,” he murmured. “This love feels- I don’t know, it’s different from what I’ve felt in the past, like it’s stronger or more real or something, so I hope I can show you that.” Then he tugged Seokjin impossibly closer as he added, “I hope I’ll be able to give you all the love you need.”

”I hope I can do that for you, too,” Seokjin mumbled against Namjoon’s chest. “I- I love you, Namjoon. I’m sorry I’m not good at a lot of things and I have too many problems and stuff-”

”Hey, hey, don’t think like that,” Namjoon interrupted, and Seokjin sort of felt like crying at the love that was so evident in his voice. Love. Seokjin was loved. “You don’t have to be good at everything,” the younger boy was saying. “You’re allowed to have problems. It’s okay. You have your strengths and weaknesses just like everybody else, and- and that’s what your friends are for, you know? To help you through your hardships and balance out your weaknesses. So it’s okay, hyung, I promise. And hey, I love you either way. Thanks for choosing me. I’ll do my best for you.”

Seokjin looked up again, and when he did he was greeted by Namjoon’s characteristic dimpled smile. His arm moved, seemingly of its own accord, and he reached up to poke one of those dimples. Namjoon giggled and poked Seokjin’s cheek in return, and Seokjin couldn’t hide his smile if he tried.

”You’re so pretty when you smile,” Namjoon said. “Really, thanks for choosing me.”

”Uh, you’re welcome, I guess,” Seokjin replied with a laugh. “I just knew you would- you would really love me.” His smile faded and he slumped against Namjoon’s chest. “My family doesn’t love me, but you will. I know you will. And they- they won’t. ...I-I’m sorry for ruining the mood,” he added. “I just- I don’t know, I just... hurt. I guess choosing you meant accepting that- that my family will never love me.”

”I understand,” Namjoon replied. “That sort of realization is- well, I don’t personally know what it feels like, but it’s probably pretty hard, huh? Like, I get it. I know what it feels like to be ignored and alone. I used to be the weird nerdy loner back in middle school and high school. I know that’s not quite the same thing, but I get it. Maybe that’s why I was so awful to you when we first met, because I’d sacrificed my whole social life to get into this school and I thought you were taking just being here for granted, you know? I didn’t know you, I-”

”Please stop bringing that up. It’s all in the past now.”

”Okay. But just know I’m sorry.”

”It’s all in the past,” Seokjin repeated. Namjoon only hummed in response, and Seokjin wondered if he’d ever forgive himself for that incident. Hopefully he would - they couldn’t let their rough start weigh them down.  

Maybe if Namjoon had had someone tell him that sometimes people say mean things, but that doesn’t make them mean people, and maybe if he’d clung to that phrase like a lifeline the same way Seokjin had, he would be able to move on and accept that it was just one incident and that it didn’t shape him as a whole.

Seokjin sighed. They should both just forget about it. 

“Hey, I love you,” Namjoon said after a moment. “Just so you know.”

The warmth and happiness came flooding back into Seokjin’s heart, pushing all his pain aside, and he looked up into Namjoon’s eyes once again. “I love you too,” he said. “Now, um, sorry to change the subject, but I’m exhausted. Do you... do you wanna go to bed? And get some sleep? Together?”

Namjoon laughed, and suddenly it sounded almost magical. “Sure,” he replied, sounding oh so sweet and loving. “Together.”