Chapter Text
"Hey, Jin-hyung," a voice said, dragging Seokjin out of a dream he was already starting to forget. "You'll never guess what just happened!"
Seokjin blinked sleepily and looked up to see Taehyung standing over him, grinning widely. He blinked again, trying to fully wake himself up. "What happened?" He mumbled.
"Seunghoon got expelled," Taehyung told him. "He fessed up to attacking you and they kicked him out. Isn't that great?"
"Yeah," Seokjin replied with a small smile. "What time is it?"
"Uh, three-fifteen in the afternoon. Yoongi said Namjoon was here this morning."
Seokjin nodded. "Yeah, he was. We listened to your song together and then played Mario Kart and then he finally went to class and I fell asleep again."
Taehyung's grin widened. "Did you like the song?" He asked hopefully.
"I loved it. Thanks for thinking of me and caring enough to make that for me." He reached up, grabbed Taehyung by the arm, and pulled him onto the bed to hug him. "It made me really happy."
"Yay," Taehyung practically squealed. "I'm glad you liked it. Oh, by the way, I have a job now."
"A job?"
"Well, sort of. Hoseok hired Jimin and I as party planners. It's great. We even have codenames!"
"You have codenames?" Seokjin echoed.
"Yep," Taehyung replied. "Jimin's codename is Jibooteus Maximus, Hoseok's is Solar Power Guy, and mine is Guy Who Would Blow Up The Earth To Make Seokjin Happy."
"Sorry to burst your bubble," a new voice said, "but that would be a really stupid thing to do." Seokjin and Taehyung looked over at the doorway to see Yoongi standing there. "Seriously," he continued. "Blowing up the Earth for Seokjin is a stupid idea. I mean, seriously. He wouldn't be able to be happy about it because he, like everyone else, would be dead."
"Nah," Taehyung said. "Jin-hyung and I could just get in a rocket and watch the explosion from outer space."
"And what would happen when you ran out of food or fuel?"
"We would find another planet that can support life before that could happen."
Yoongi raised an eyebrow. "That would take years. And, by the way, how would you even blow up the Earth in the first place?"
"We could build a Death Star," Seokjin said.
"Yeah," Taehyung added. "And we'd get to see Elon Musk's car!"
"If you want to see a car like that, I have a Tesla," Seokjin offered.
"No way. Your Tesla isn't in space."
Yoongi sighed. "Why are all my friends idiots?" He wondered aloud as he left the room. Taehyung giggled.
"Wait," Seokjin called. Yoongi turned around.
"What?"
"Uh, where are you from? Sorry if that sounds creepy, but you and Taehyung have the same accent, so..."
Yoongi nodded. "I'm from Daegu," he said.
"Really?" Taehyung asked, eyes widening. "Me too! I lived there up until right before second grade, which is when my mom got a job in Gwacheon and we moved and lived there for the best five years of my life. And then we went back to Daegu because my grandma had a stroke. She's fine now, though."
"Ah, I see. You know, I'm jealous of my friend Jimin. The lucky bastard's from Busan. I wanted to live there when I was a kid. You guys know Jimin, right?"
"Yeah," Taehyung replied. "Jimin's awesome." Seokjin felt a bit of jealousy when Taehyung said that, but he knew Taehyung was allowed to have other friends. Even though he knew that, though, part of him still worried about being replaced.
"So I assume Seokjin's from Gwacheon, then?" Yoongi was asking.
Seokjin sat up and nodded. "Yeah. We both went to a private school in Seoul, though. It was nice. Taehyung was one of my few friends. Actually, I think he was my only friend. It didn't matter, though. I only need one friend." He looked down at his hands, which were folded uninterestingly in his lap.
Yoongi frowned. "Only one? Maybe you should consider me. I think you're pretty cool. We're friends, right? And even if you don't need me, I need you, so I think we're friends. And what about Namjoon? You seem to trust him a lot. He said you told him some pretty heavy stuff, even though he refused to say what it was. He called himself your secondary confidant. Are you sure you don't need him?"
"Yoongi-hyung, he's probably trying to make himself feel less lonely," Taehyung said quietly. "He tends to lie to himself about things like that. He'll say things like I only need one friend or my parents love and appreciate me just to try and make himself believe them. He's trying to pretend everything's okay. Seriously, he's done that for as long as I've known him."
Yoongi's gaze softened. "Oh," he said. "I see. Well, uh, Seokjin... what's up with your parents? It seems like they don't really care very much about you...?"
Seokjin shrugged. "It's nothing," he muttered. He suddenly felt very antisocial. "I don't want to talk about it right now. Taehyung can tell you instead. I kinda want to be left alone right now, okay?"
"Okay," Taehyung replied, giving him a tight hug as he spoke. "We'll respect your wishes, but remember that we care about you." He smiled and ushered Yoongi out of the room before closing the door and leaving Seokjin alone.
The next thing Seokjin knew, there were tears streaming down his face. He wasn't sure exactly why he was crying, but he was. It was because of the conversation, and he knew that much, but the problem was pinpointing exactly one part. Maybe it was the way the conversation had shifted from lighthearted jokes to an indirect discussion about Seokjin's lack of friends. Maybe it had something to do with the way he had been reminded of his own loneliness. He decided that it didn't matter and just flopped back down onto his bed and cried into the pillow.
Ten minutes passed and then Taehyung returned. "Hey, hyung," he said. "Jimin and I are going to pick Jungkook up from his school and then go to a cafe. You wanna come?"
Seokjin didn't look up. "No," he mumbled. "I want to be alone right now. Have fun, Tae."
Taehyung hesitated before agreeing. "Okay, Jin-hyung. Yoongi's leaving too, but he's not coming with us. I don't know where he's going. Don't be too hard on yourself." And with that, he closed the door again.
Seokjin was suddenly angry at Jimin, and that made him angry at himself. He knew it was selfish to be upset that Taehyung had other friends. In fact, it was downright toxic, and he knew it. He hated himself because of it, and he didn't know of a solution to the problem, so he just cried for a while. Finally, after what felt like years, he decided to ask Namjoon for advice.
Jin
hey
Jin
namjoon? i need advice
Jin
namjoon
Jin
please don't tell me i've fucked up again
Jin
namjoonie please answer me this is really important
Jin
namjoon please
Jin
i really need you right now
Namjoonie
are you okay? sorry for not replying sooner, I was dying my hair
Jin
oh
Namjoonie
yeah, it's blue now because Taehyung and I were talking the other day and he offhandedly mentioned that your favorite color is blue so that's the color I went with in honor of you. you need someone to appreciate you, so I decided to do something like that so you can constantly be reminded that I care about you
Jin
i
Jin
namjoon
Jin
you really did that for me?
Namjoonie
yeah, you deserve it. now what did you need to talk about?
Jin
jimin and taehyung
Jin
taehyung said jimin is really awesome and now he's getting coffee with jimin and jungkook and he invited me but i said no and honestly i know it's selfish and toxic but i feel like i'm being replaced and i don't want to be replaced and i'm really jealous and it's making me hate myself
Jin
basically taehyung has other friends and i need help accepting that
Namjoonie
ah, I see
Namjoonie
well, it's not a very good thing to be jealous when your friends interact with other people, but it IS very very good that you're recognizing that fact
Jin
yeah, i know it's bad, i just can't help it ㅜㅜ
Namjoonie
don't worry, Seokjin. it's okay
Jin
no it's not
Namjoonie
yes it is. it's a complex problem but everything's gonna be okay
Namjoonie
from what Taehyung's said about you combined with the info Yoongi and I have gathered (as well as everything you've said about yourself and Hoseok's simple hypothesis that you're lonely), I can deduce that you haven't had very many friends throughout your life
Jin
don't remind me
Namjoonie
but am I correct?
Jin
yes
Namjoonie
so it makes sense that you would be possessive of the few friends you do have (e.g. Taehyung and I)
Namjoonie
from what I've observed, it seems like material possessions don't mean very much to you but people make up for that
Namjoonie
like if someone destroyed your car you wouldn't care that much but if someone hurt Taehyung you would be incredibly upset
Jin
...you're good at observations and deductions
Namjoonie
thanks. anyway, you probably don't care about material things because you've lived a life where those kinds of things don't really have much value and likewise you probably care a lot about people who care about you because you didn't have easy access to people like that
Jin
you're very good at figuring me out
Namjoonie
you're kind of transparent when you let your guard down
Jin
is that a bad thing or a good thing?
Namjoonie
good, because sometimes people need to know what you're feeling
Namjoonie
it's not healthy to bottle shit like that up
Jin
okay but back to the main topic please
Namjoonie
right. so what I'm saying here is that I understand why you're so possessive of the friends you have
Jin
yeah
Jin
so what can i do to stop being like that?
Namjoonie
I think you need to talk to Taehyung and maybe Jimin. in the meantime you can come over to my apartment and watch a movie with Hoseok and I if you want
Jin
no thanks
Namjoonie
oh
Namjoonie
okay then
Jin
actually wait nevermind i'd really like that
Jin
i thought i wanted to be alone right now but it turns out i don't
Namjoonie
yay
Namjoonie
we'll wait for you
Jin
thank you so much
Seokjin rolled out of his bed and quickly got dressed, wiping his tears away as he did. He grabbed a jacket and quickly left for Namjoon's apartment. It was cold outside, but he didn't care. All that mattered was the fact that Namjoon was there for him. He wanted Taehyung to be there for him too, but Taehyung wasn't available at the moment. Seokjin sighed and walked faster.
Hoseok - whose hair was now bright red - gladly welcomed him into Namjoon's apartment, and as soon as he walked in Namjoon got up from the couch and pulled him into a hug.
"Hey," Namjoon whispered. "Are you feeling a bit better?"
"No," Seokjin replied. "Not really. But this is slowly making me happier, though. Thanks for inviting me." He clung to Namjoon for a moment before stepping back to admire his newly light blue hair. "Your hair looks really nice. Blue is a nice color for you."
Namjoon smiled widely. "Thanks," he said. "You look nice too."
Seokjin's eyes widened at the compliment. "Oh," he said. "Thank you."
"Dude, take your jacket off," Hoseok interrupted. "We've got the heater running."
Seokjin nodded and took off the gray jacket he was wearing. "Where do I put this?" He asked.
"Anywhere," Hoseok replied with a shrug. "I usually toss my stuff on the table by the door." He pointed, and Seokjin put his jacket on a table that was already covered by an excessive amount of assorted things.
"Hobi, what movie are we watching?" Namjoon asked from where he was sitting down again, now with a well-loved navy blue blanket on his lap.
"Frozen, obviously," Hoseok replied. "What better to watch on a cold January day? Seokjin, sit down and make yourself at home. Put your shoes under the table by the door. I'm making hot chocolate."
Seokjin blinked at him as he vanished into the kitchen (which, unlike in Seokjin's own apartment, was in a separate yet very small room instead of being an extension to the living room), and then he did as he was told and sat next to Namjoon, who put the blanket over him as well. Hoseok bustled around in the kitchen, drawing Seokjin's attention and making him notice a hand-drawn sign next to the kitchen doorway that said NO NAMJOON ALLOWED PAST THIS POINT.
"What's that sign about?" Seokjin asked.
Namjoon laughed. "I'm a disaster in the kitchen," he explained. "Hoseok put that up to remind me to stay out so I won't die or burn the building down."
Seokjin smiled and scooted a tiny bit closer to Namjoon, hoping for a hug. But he didn't actually say anything, and Namjoon didn't seem to get the hint. Hoseok poked his head back into the living room.
"Hey," he said. "Namjoon. Come here. I need to talk to you."
"Okay," Namjoon replied as he stood up and walked into the kitchen. Seokjin stared after him, feeling very excluded and also observing that Namjoon had blatantly disregarded the sign. The two younger boys disappeared from view, and Seokjin hesitated for a moment before standing up and quietly walking over to the kitchen doorway to stand just out of sight.
"So I understand that Seokjin told you some really personal stuff the other day," Hoseok was saying quietly. "And I don't know what it was, but he seems like he really needs some support. I mean, I hadn't seen him with anyone at all before the incident, which is why I thought he seemed lonely. And the way he hugged you just now seemed really desperate, like he would die or something if he let go of you."
"Yeah, it really did feel desperate," Namjoon agreed. "It was a really nice hug, though. I should hug him more often. He's really sweet."
"Yeah, okay. Anyway, he really seems to trust you, so you would probably know if he's doing okay. Is he? Every time I see him he seems sort of unhappy."
"I don't think he's doing very well," Namjoon admitted. "He's told me a lot, but I feel like he's hurting a lot more than he lets on. But what he really needs is love and appreciation, Hobi."
"Well, since you know what's going on, try to help him," Hoseok said. "I'm worried about him."
"So am I. Come on, let's go back to the other room."
"I'm staying in here," Hoseok said. "The hot chocolate isn't done yet."
"Okay." A second later, Namjoon walked out of the kitchen and jumped when he saw Seokjin. "Oh my god," he said. "You startled me. Were you eavesdropping?"
Seokjin looked down at his feet. "Yes," he said quietly. "I'm sorry."
Namjoon put a hand on his shoulder. "Don't be," he said. "It's okay. Were you worried that I secretly still hated you or something?"
"No. I just felt left out. Are- do you still feel bad about what you said to me?"
"Yeah, a little."
"Please don't feel bad," Seokjin said. "I've forgiven you. And, you know, I think I deserved it and you've also more than made up for it." He paused. "Taehyung taught me not to hold grudges. He also told me that some people say mean things but it doesn't make them mean people." He smiled at Namjoon. "I'm the one who's supposed to hate myself, not you. And seriously, I forgive you."
"You're not supposed to hate yourself," Namjoon told him. "Really. You're supposed to be happy. You're supposed to love yourself." He paused, examining Seokjin's face. "How do you get your eyelashes to be so long and pretty?" He asked.
Seokjin was taken aback by the question. "Um, I- uh, they're not really that long," he stammered. "They're just average."
"No, they're long," Namjoon said.
"Seokjin has average-length eyelashes," Hoseok called from the kitchen. "You just think they're long because yours are basically nonexistent."
"Shut up," Namjoon replied. "He has long eyelashes."
"No, they're average. If you want long eyelashes, go to Taehyung," Hoseok said as he stepped into the living room. He looked closely at Seokjin for a moment, and that moment felt way too long.
"I think they're average," Seokjin added. "They're just longer toward the corners of my eyes."
"Yeah," Hoseok said, playfully shoving Namjoon. "Very pretty, though."
"Definitely," Namjoon agreed as Hoseok returned to the kitchen.
Hoseok finally finished making the hot chocolate and the three of them sat down on the couch. Hoseok started the movie, and Seokjin realized that he had never actually seen Frozen. Namjoon pulled the blue blanket over all three of them. As the movie played, Seokjin found himself feeling safe and comfortable snuggled up against Namjoon under a cozy blanket. Namjoon was warm and nice to lean against, and Seokjin allowed himself to relax and smile and enjoy the movie. There were a few moments when Namjoon glanced over at Seokjin as if he was checking on him. It was a really simple thing, but just the fact that he was being thought of was enough to make Seokjin feel like someone cared about him.
As the movie ended and the credits started to roll, Seokjin got a text from Taehyung.
Tae
hyung i have a question
Jin
yeah?
Tae
why do u hate urself so much? like ur literally perfect
Tae
seriously, i can write a 50 page essay about what makes u so awesome
i wont do that over text but have a few examples
-ur really nice and sweet and fun when ur around me
-ur a huge dork and that makes you even more fun to be around
-u give nice hugs when u care about someone
-ur really good at cooking
-also ur great at playing the guitar
-ur handsome
-ur an amazing actor
-even tho u had a rough childhood u still have the courage to live
-u so fucking precious when u smile
-squishy cheeks
-soft hair
-great at singing
-shoulders
-cool fingers
-ur apartment is always warm and thats nice bc my roomie never turns on the heater
-ur talented
and most importantly
YOU ARE MY BEST FRIEND AND I PLATONICALLY LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART EVEN IF I DONT ALWAYS SHOW IT AND GOD DAMN IT KIM SEOKJIN YOU WILL ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS BE MY BEST FRIEND FOREVER AND YOU ARE FUCKING AMAZING SO DONT EVER HATE YOURSELF BECAUSE YOURE EVEN MORE AMAZING THAN THAT PUPPY I SAW THIS MORNING
ily jin
Seokjin stared at the message, trying to comprehend it. The words on the screen seemed almost foreign to him, even though they were in Korean. He genuinely couldn't believe any of them. He read and reread them, trying to make himself truly believe them, but it didn't work. It all felt like a lie. Taehyung had to be lying to make him feel better about himself. That was the only explanation he could believe.
"He's right, you know," Namjoon said. Seokjin turned to look up at him. There was a sweet smile on his classmate's face. No, he thought. Namjoon wasn't just a classmate anymore. They were friends.
"Yeah," Hoseok added.
"I- no," Seokjin replied. "No way. That's not true." It hurt him to say those words, but he believed them. In his own eyes, he wasn't perfect. In his own eyes, he was terrible.
He started to type a message to reply to Taehyung. It mirrored Taehyung's words with his own opinions.
Jin
-i'm not fun
-i'm a dork and that's not a good thing
-my hugs aren't exceptional
-i'm not that great at cooking
-or guitar
-i am handsome but that's pretty much the only good thing about me
-i can't be an amazing actor
-sometimes idk if i have that courage
-is this one a joke bc it is literally a meme and also my smile isn't that great
-unfortunately. my face is too soft to match my body
-maybe?? idk about this one
-i'm not that great at singing bc my voice is too nasal and my vocal range is too small
-yes my shoulders are broad why does that matter
-tae my fingers are ugly and weird i know you like them but you're an outlier
-i like being warm
-i'm not talented
you're my best friend too and i love you but i doubt i'm more amazing than a puppy
thanks anyway taetae ily too
He was about to hit send when Namjoon gently took his phone out of his hands and handed it to Hoseok, who proceeded to send Taehyung a message that simply said this is hoseok, seokjin is at my apartment bc he was watching frozen with namjoon and i. he got your message but didn't believe it so come over here for a reassurance session and bring yoongi if you can k thnx bai. He then took one of Seokjin's hands in both of his own.
"Taehyung was right," he said gently. "You really are amazing. And he knows you a lot better than I do, so his word is more accurate than mine."
Seokjin shook his head. "I don't believe it," he said. "If I was that amazing so many more people would appreciate me." He frowned. "I don't understand how anyone can see me like you and Taehyung do."
"We can see you like that because your view of yourself is distorted," Namjoon explained. "We see you for what you're really like, but your self-esteem is so low that you don't seem capable of believing us. Is that true?"
Seokjin just shrugged. "I don't know," he said. "I'm really not that great, honestly."
"Apparently kids who're neglected or ignored by their parents often grow up to be unhappy adults," Hoseok said. "From what I've heard that's what happened to you, so it makes sense."
"How do you know about that?"
"Yoongi told me everything he knows about you," Hoseok replied with a shrug.
At that moment, there was a knock on the door. Hoseok jumped up to go answer it, and standing out in the hall were Taehyung, Jimin, Jungkook, and Yoongi. And Taehyung's hair was now royal blue.