Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher

Seymour’s Bay

Wagstaff School

Hey Pen Pal,

My name’s Tina.  Sorry, you already know my name.  I’m not good at writing letters.  Are you good at writing letters?  This is a bad start, but I’ve already wasted ten pages trying to write the perfect letter.  Freestyling my thoughts down might get better results instead.  It won’t hurt to try.  

As I signed above, my name is Tina Belcher.  I’m a thirteen-year-old girl that lives in New Jersey.  My parents run a restaurant.  It’s called Bob’s Burgers, named after my dad.  I have two other siblings.  Their names are Gene and Louise.  Gene really likes music, but he doesn’t know many notes.  Don’t tell him that, though.  He’d be crushed if he finds out that he isn’t a musical prodigy.  Louise is the youngest out of both of us.  She’s always scheming stuff and making plans for us.  It doesn’t bother me, but sometimes I feel like she makes us do bad things.  Sorry, my letter is supposed to be about me but I’m talking about my siblings.  I’m the oldest out of them.  The best way to describe me is an independent yet sensitive, badass yet sensual and soft woman.  I guess my favorite things to do are to hang out with my siblings and friends, read about horses, and get lost in my daydreams.  I like writing, but I’m not good at it.  I’ve never written to somebody else before.  Tell me if you like my letter.  I’m going to move on to the next topic now. 

My school is okay.  There’s a lot of cute boys.  I’m in love with this one boy named Jimmy Junior.  He’s going to be my future husband.  I want to live in a cottage with him.  We’re going to have a horse farm.  Jimmy Junior says he doesn’t like horses or cottages, but he’ll probably compromise after we get married.  I don’t doubt my love for Jimmy Junior or his love for me, but I hate the girls that hang around him all the time.  Their names are Tammy and Jocelyn.  They’re both cheerleaders.  They always follow around Jimmy Junior and my brother, Gene (remember him?).  They probably want to date them.  I know that Jimmy Junior won’t fall for them, but I don’t want Tammy or Jocelyn in my family tree.  I hope Gene keeps ignoring them.  Jimmy Junior ignores them, which is nice.  He ignores everyone, but I feel better when he ignores them too.  He agreed to go out on a romantic dinner date with me tonight, by the way.  Wish me luck. 

I have a couple of friends who I hang out with besides Jimmy Junior and my siblings.  I have this cool friend named Susmita.  She loves space, and physics stuff.  I'm not the best at school, so she helps me out a lot when it comes to Science stuff.  I also hang out with the girls who I hate, Tammy and Jocelyn.  I only hate Jocelyn when she's hanging out with Jimmy Junior, and I hate Tammy all the time.  Jocelyn is actually pretty nice.  Her brain can seem vacant sometimes, but she knows a lot about what she likes.  She can talk for hours about cheerleading or skateboarding.  Tammy's annoying.  There's not much to say about her.  She whines a lot and has a fried voice.  But we have to hang out with each other if we both want to be around Jocelyn.  

I'm supposed to describe how my life is like.  There's not much to do in Seymour's Bay.  I live by a bay (the reason why our town is named Seymour's Bay) and there's a wharf next to my house.  Louise likes to cause trouble there.  It's fun, sometimes.  It gets more forest-y  lush as you go inland.  Lots of cool forests and stuff.  Most of my days are spent helping my family run our restaurant, so it gets boring to talk about my life.  

I’ve been writing a lot about myself, I hope you find it interesting.  Some questions I have for you are: What’s your name?  What’s your favorite animal?  Are you a boy or a girl (or something in between)?  What’s your favorite hobby?  And lastly, what do you rate the boys’ butts at your school?  

From, 

Tina

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett

Prairie’s Paradise

Bullrider School

Hey Tina! 

It was nice reading your ledder letter.  There’s a lot of interesting things about you.  It’s ok if you suck at riting writing letters, I do too.  I don’t like that my school reqires requires us to write our letters in pen.  I can’t erase my spelling mistakes and it makes the letter look sloppy.  Disreguard disregard the spelling and know that I put effort into writing this.  I haven’t even introduced myself and I’m already close to a paragraph!  Ain’t that cool?  Anywho, my name is Ezekiel Bennett, but you can call me Zeke.  I’m also thirteen, and I’m a guy.  I live in Prairie’s Paradise in Oklahoma.  Went weak at the names of our towns.  Might just be me to find that funny.  I’d reckon that whoever names these towns needs more dough in their pockets.  

I’m getting a bit distracted, my bad for derayling derailing.  I got gitty giddy when I read that your family owns a burger restaurant.  I like cooking, but I can’t cook often.  My pops is a mechanic and he’s all “cooking is a woman’s job.”  My old man doesn’t have no woman, so I use that as an excuse to get my hands in the kitchen.  My ma and brother live separately from me and my pops.  She don’t have custody of me, so I don’t see her much.  My brother is way older than me, so I don’t see him either.  We’re distant from each other, but we all pretty happy.   Your siblings sound like a bunch of fun, what do you normally do together?  It’s great that you’re close to them.   Don’t worry, I won’t tell Gean Gene that he needs practice.  You have really cool hobees hobbies.  I like horses, they’re cool.  My uncle owns a farm out here, but he got ponies instead of horses.  Horses are more powerful creatures than ponies, maybe I can convince my uncle to buy one and I can send a picture to you.  What’s your favorite breed?  Mine’s a brumby.  I reckon that you don’t need an explanation, but they’re feral horses in Australia.  I really like their name, sounds funny to me.  I sometimes daydream about them free horses galloping wherever they want when I’m in school.  Never really pay attention to my lessons, maybe that’s why I’m a C student.  At least I paid payed paid attention in writing because I’m having a lot of fun with this letter. 

Cute boys, eh?  Sounds like you’re majorly caking with this Jimmy Junior guy.  He seems like a J-Ju.  Why don’t you start calling him that?  I always like giving people nicknames.  I’m already thinking up something for you.  I’ll definitely have a cool nickname later.  It’s not my business, but shouldn’t J-Ju want the same things as you do?  Reckon that your future husband should be on board with your plans.  Does he ignore everyone?  Why’s that?  I do send out my wishes that your romantic dinner date went well, though.  Sounds pretty exciting!  Do J-Ju and your brother Gene hang out?  I got a bit of trouble trying to read that.  Those types of girls are buzzers and I’m sorry that they’re swarming about your boyfriend and brother.  Best you can do is keep on having faith in your boys.  

It’s ok to wright write about yourself.  I liked what you wrote.  

I don’t really look at the boys’ butts at my school, but my friend Bert has a nice butt.  I only know that because he’s on my wrestling team, and I gotta make butt contact a lot.  It’s uncomfortable sometimes, but wrestling is my favorite sport so I gotta compromise.  It’s the only reason why I maintain my grades.  

This feels like an interview, sorry for so much words.  I wanted to answer all your questions.  

As for my life, pretty uninteresting.  You seem to have a lot more cool stuff going on.  Prairie’s Paradise is anything but paradise.  It’s a flat, dusty valley.  The most entertaining spot here is the 7/11.  Great slushys slushies though.  I only have a couple friends around here (I mentioned Bert but there’s also Joe), we hang around there after school every day.  Now that I’m writing this, kinda realized that my whole friend group is guys.  There’s a big rashio racesho ratio of boys to girls here.  I reckon there’s 50 or so girls at my school, compared to the 150 guys.  It’s a big sausage fest.  Most of the guys here are desperate for a girl so most of the girls are spoiled with attention.  I’m not that interested in the girls (or guys) at my school.  Just not my type.  

I’m not really their type either, I pull too many pranks on people to be considered boyfriend material.  This girl named Melissa had a crush on me until I replaced her deodorant with “A Stinkin' Can,” (it's fart spray) during gym.  I reckon she told her friends, cuz I never got a confession after that.  I’m not too good at rejecting people, so I’m relieved she did so. 

Anyways, I hoped you enjoyed reading my letter as much as I enjoyed reading yours.  Looking forward to your response (if you decide to send another, don’t know your school’s mandatory letter recryermin requirement). 

Yours,

Zeke

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher

Seymour’s Bay

Wagstaff School

September 18, 20XX

(I’m writing dates down now, you should too)

Hey Zeke,

I don’t take pony slander in my letters.  Ponies are just as great, if not better than horses.  My favorite show is The Equestranauts, and all the main characters are ponies.  They’re very intelligent, and use the magic of friendship to fight evil.  Those ponies inspire many young girls around the world, and some grown men (they're called Equesticles) to fight evil by accepting differences and making friends.  Real life ponies don’t have magical powers, but if they did, they’d probably use them to fight evil.  So ponies are great.  But if your uncle wants to buy a horse, then you should agree with him and send some pictures to me.  Both horses and ponies are captivating and nothing less.  If you keep up the anti-pony talk, I might start calling you Ezekiel.  Also, you seem like a wild horse type of boy.  I like boys with a wild side.  

Speaking of wild boys, Jimmy Junior felt very not wild.  His energy was comparable to the limp and soggy spaghetti on his plate.  I was overjoyed when he invited me over for dinner at his dad’s restaurant, but I felt like I deserved more pampering than what I got, you know?  A girl deserves flowers, and the boy holding the door open for you, and him leading you to a dimly candlelit table, with a bottle of champan okay, we’re not old enough to drink yet but you know what I mean.  I deserved more than a glass of lukewarm orange juice, with cold and stale breadsticks on the side.  Jimmy Junior barely talked to me the whole time, he was on his phone.  He looked up to ask me how I was enjoying my food, and he didn’t even listen to my answer!  It made me so frustrated.  When he got up to use the bathroom, I got up to leave, but his buns kept my eyes on the prize and I ended up staying for the rest of the date.  It felt romantic during the moment, but I’m getting angrier when I write it and read it.  Jimmy Junior is lucky that he’s my type because being with him can be a struggle.  Boys are so difficult to understand.  One minute they're at your party, unbuttoning their shirt and before you know it, they're not even sparing you a glance.  And keeping their shirt on.  You’re lucky that you have a boring love life and you aren’t being pulled around by these hot boys’ butts and their hot lisps, UGH! (I made that sound in real life, I wrote it for dramatic purposes). If you were me, what would you do?  I feel like my love life is over, and I’m losing Jimmy Junior because of how he was on our date.  What if I lose him to Tammy?  I can’t lose my future husband to another girl before he even proposed!  Should I have a “Plan B” boy?  Maybe I can make Jimmy Junior jealous somehow and win him back.

Besides boy drama, Louise is planning an all out war on the Wonder Wharf (and 70% of the town, and our landlord) owner, Mr. Fischoder.  She claims that he owes her a prize, but he isn’t paying up.  I think that you and her would get along, since you both like pranks.  I could see you sitting at our table in our "scheming basement" (which is actually an empty lettuce box but Louise tries to make everything seem better than it is), plotting your tactical prank warfare.  Me and Gene don’t match Louise’s brilliant mind.  You might, who knows.  Her plan involves rotten tomatoes, mustard, a week day old Jimmy Pesto pizza (Jimmy Pesto is Jimmy Junior’s dad), some spray paint, and water guns.  No one is telling me anything about the plan should go, I think I should be worried.  Louise’s right hand man, Regular Sized Rudy, doesn’t know anything either.  He tried to get some information out of the Pesto twins, Andy and Ollie (who are Jimmy Junior’s younger twin brothers and Louise’s best friends), but they kept on saying “I don’t know, do you Andy” and “I don’t know, do you Ollie” back and forth.  They’re normally like that, but they knew the plan.  Their loyalty to Louise is only second to their loyalty to each other.  I was trying to get information from Gene but he wouldn’t budge, even after I offered him his favorite cheese plate while he was using the bathroom (his favorite time to eat it, don't ask).  I tried to ask Jimmy Junior after Gene, but he said that he couldn’t tell me because he promised Gene.  Past Tina was mad and left his restaurant without saying anything, and Current Tina is still mad and probably would do the same thing.  I don’t think that’s how this sentence is supposed to be.  I’ll just cross it out.   But the good news is that Regular Sized Rudy found two people involved who will tell us the plan in exchange for more time with Gene: Courtney Wheeler and Alex Papasian.  Regular Sized Rudy told me that Courtney and Alex thought that Jimmy Junior was hogging up Gene, and they deserved to spend time with him too.  I don’t like them talking about Jimmy Junior like that, but I agree.  He can be overly protective of Gene.  Sometimes Jimmy Junior gets upset when me and Louise hang out with him, and we’re his own siblings.  Alex and Courtney probably get it worse.  Regular Sized Rudy said that if I can separate Jimmy Junior from Gene for a day, then they’ll tell us everything.  The easiest way would be for me to take Jimmy Junior out on a romantic all-day date, but I’m open to any suggestions you might have. 

My life has been okay besides the drama.  The business has been slow at Bob’s Burgers, but that’s normal.  My siblings and I were cleaning menus and refilling condiment bottles, which is about the only thing our dad lets us do besides clean.  Sometimes I like it when business is slow.  I think none of us could keep up if our business was busy.  We don’t have structure to our work schedule, but that’s sort of the Belcher way.  

I told my dad about how your dad doesn’t allow you to cook, and he got emotional.  My dad isn’t expressive (I’m told we have that in common but I disagree) but something about the way your dad treats you reminded him of something.  He didn’t say any more than that, but he told me to tell you that “...your dad isn’t in charge of your life, you are.  If you want to cook then you should cook and he shouldn’t take what you love away from you.  Don’t let him turn you away from cooking, cook what you like, dammit.  Tell him that, Tina.”  I think I quoted too much of what he said, ignore that last part.  I agree with him, though.  Your dad shouldn’t stop you from doing something you love.  Okay, maybe if you wanted to murder people or something then he should stop you.  But you want to cook, and there’s nothing bad about cooking.  I’m not good at cooking, but my dad knows that and he supports my other interests (he didn’t support my passion for Equestanauts at first because of our experience with the Equesticles at Equestra-Con, but he was okay with it in the end.  As long as they don’t interact with me).  Maybe your dad will be the same and you can cook.  Who knows, maybe if you open up a restaurant when we’re older and I end up in Oklahoma, then I might try out your food.  My dad is a good chef, maybe your food will be better than his someday.  You’ll never know unless you try. 

This letter got a bit long, sorry.  I  like talking to you.  It feels like we’re two aliens from different worlds trying to communicate with each other.  It’s almost like a sci-fi space romance.  Well, without the romance.  So just a sci-fi space.  It sounds less spectacular when put that way.  That might’ve been a bit weird to say.  But I’m also the girl who fell in love with a stock boy who I spoke a few words to in the dairy section of a supermarket (it’s a long story).  I form connections with people quickly (that’s what other people tell me, and I agree with them). I’m willing to send letters to you, as long as you send one back to me.  

From,

Tina

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett 

Prairie’s Paradise 

Bullrider School

September 23, 20XX

(Will do, girl)

Nice to hear back from you, T-Bird!

I hope you like your new nickname.  Might think of some more later, but you suite a thunderbird.  They’re damn beauties, especially the models from the ’50s.  I’m sorta a car nerd.  It’s one of the few hobbies of mine that my pops approves of.  Probably thinks that I’m trying to be like him.  I do like doing mechanic stuff, but that’s not cuz because of him.  Just like fiddling around on my own accord.  

I sincerely apologize for my pony slander in my last led letter.  Ponies are smaller horses, after all.  Didn’t mean no offense.  The Equestranauts look cool!  I had to look em them up since I ain’t too familiar with the show.  I can see how they inspire girls like you.  The grown men are a different story for me, but as long as they ain’t harming nobody then what you gonna do?  I don’t like what they call themselves though.  If they’re the ones calling themselves Equesticles then I don’t feel comfortable with them being around kids.  Just my opinion, though.   But yeah, I wish that real life ponies would have magical powers like the ponies in your show, that’ll be cool!  They can shoot lazers lasers out their eyes or something.  If you want, I can send pictures of the ponies over (and the horse if my uncle decides to get one).  If I do, will you call me Zeke and save me from my dumb full name?  Makes me cringe having to read it.  Surprised that you’d like the more “wild” side of me.  Even my friends say that I get annoying when I’m like that.  I don’t like changing for anybody but myself, so hearing that you wouldn’t mind my “wild” side is a relief.  Might change your mind if you ever experience it in person, though.

J-Ju really needs to up his romance game.  Lukewarm orange juice don’t sound like a good time.  I’d reckon that he takes you out to his dad’s place so he don’t gotta pay for your meals.  The least he could do is serve you the best that his restaurant has to offer.  You’re right, you deserve a better date than what he gave you.  His attitude didn’t seem too to too nice, either.  I would’ve slapped the phone out his hands if I were you.  J-Ju is one lucky guy that he has a girl who tolerates his slack behavior.  Sounds to me that he thinks the sun rises to hear him crow.

I guess I am lucky that I don’t got a complicated love life, but gotta admit that it gets lonely sometimes.  I want someone so bad, yet the right person just ain’t here.  I move around quite a bit, it’s difficult for me to form connections like you do.  Not used to it.  But if I were you, I wouldn’t concern myself with a guy who just don’t care for me like I do for them.  In a relationship, love should be mutual and equally resiprocated reciprocated in my opinion.  If they don’t love you as much as you love them, then maybe they ain’t worth it.  If J-Ju runs off with the Tammy girl, he’d find out how much he lost.  A “Plan B” boy wouldn’t be fair to said boy, wouldn’t it?  It sounds a bit disinjenuous disingenuous to me.  Using another guy to get J-Ju ain’t right.  That’s my advice.  In the end, you can do whatever you think would work.  

Louise sounds like she’s trying to fry a big fish.  My pranks are low scale.  I wouldn’t prank the landlord of my building if I were y’all.  Could lose your place.  She seems like a risktaker and gambler, I’m not sure if we’d get along.  She does pranks more for revenge thean the fun of it.  The supplies she’s collecting is concerning to say the least.  Seems like she’s doing two pranks at once, fake pizza prank mixed with watergun ambush.  If I’m guessing the combo that they’re putting on the pizza, then Mr. Fisch is definitely ending up in the hospital.  Poor guy.  I hope that y’all found out and stopped them.  Louise should quit being so ugly.  Her whole bunch honestly don’t sound too great, if they didn’t tell y’all or Rudy anything.  By the way, why do you call him Regular Sized Rudy?  That got me weak, been laughing at that nickname for around 5 minutes.  

I think that your plan would be the best one.  Kinda strange how J-Ju is attached to Gene like that.  Are they best friends?  Even if they are, he should give Gene breathing room. But I also don’t know their friendship, not really my place to comment about it.  I hope Gene’s other friends got a fun day with him.  Maybe J-Ju will stop his hissyfitting in the future, once he sees that Gene hanging out with other people ain’t a threat to him.

I’m glad to hear that your life is going doing good besides those things happening.  I appreciate that your dad is passionate about cooking and wants me to be too.  It’s nice to hear another parent telling me to do what I wanna do.  I guess I can’t never could cook unless I try.  You make me laugh, T-Bird.  Murdering has never interested me, but I’ll be sure to let you know if it does.  I’m interested to hear about your Equestra-Con adventure if you’re willing to tell it.  I don’t think my dad will ever change his mind about me cooking, but I’m still gonna do it.  I’ve always been interested in opening my own restaurant, but I ain’t no businessman.  You gotta know how to manage money if you wanna run a business.  Being talented only gets you so far.  I’m not gonna open up a restaurant here though, not many people in my town.  I’d be stuck cooking cornbread and gravy all day. 

I like talking to you too!  Our lives are pretty different, definitely feels like two different worlds.  I like that, though.  Feels as if I’m experiencing a bit of your life, and you’re experiencing a bit of mine.  Yours definitely brings me a bit more excitement, to be frank.  I don’t make friends too quickly even though I’m quite friendly.  Forming a connection with someone across the country seems wild to me, yet it happened.  I think that what we have is pretty special. I really wanna hear your lovestory with the milkman.  Hope you write about it in your next letter.  And I hope you got a lot of paper because I’m going to be sending you letters forever. 

Yours,

Zeke

P.S: I like your long letters.

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher 

Seymour’s Bay

Wagstaff 

September 30, 20XX

Hey Zeke,

I’ve never had a nickname before.  Actually, I did, but it wasn’t a good one.  My friends called me Fluffy Butt (it’s a toilet paper brand) because one of them heard me singing the theme song in the girl’s bathroom.  Even Gene and Jimmy Junior called me Fluffy Butt for a while.  Luckily the nickname didn’t stick because Gene read my diary and found out I really didn’t like the name so he told everyone to stop.  I was secretly sad for the nickname to go because it was Jimmy Junior’s first pet name for me.  But your nickname for me is really cool.  I’ve never been compared to something pretty before.  You can call me T-Bird whenever you want. 

I’m a nerd in general so I understand your car passions.  Well, I don’t study and I’m not good in at school but my friends insist I’m a nerd so I guess I am.  I don’t normally label people.  Okay, that’s a lie, I do label people sometimes but it’s not on purpose.  When I meet people I do judge their initial appearances.  I think most people do, and sometimes the labels fit the person.  Tammy sure does.  She calls herself a bimbo proudly, so it’s not bad if I think she is, right?  Sorry, I wanted to ask you questions about why you like cars but I ended up talking about my own life again.  I hope that doesn’t annoy you, tell me if it does.  

How did you become interested in mechanical work if your dad didn’t inspire you?  Do you have a friend who taught you or another family member?  Or are you self taught?  That would be really cool if you were self taught.  You’d kind of remind me of our family friend, Teddy.  He eats at our restaurant every day.  He can be a mechanic, but he describes himself as a handyman.  He’s sort of a jack of all trades.  According to him, all of his skills he learned by himself.  This is probably rude, but I only believe him because he isn’t good at fixing stuff.  I still think he’s really cool for being able to teach himself though.  Only specific people can teach themselves from scratch on how to do things, and Teddy is one of those people.  I know I’m not.  I’m a visual learner (that means that I memorize things best if I see it in front of me).  If you’re having fun with mechanics, then everything I just said shouldn’t matter.  Have fun with what you’re doing.  Exploring your interests will help you find what’s best for you.  It’s exactly like looking at a boy’s butt.  You should always look at all your options or you wouldn’t know the best butt for you.  That might only work for me, though.  

Jimmy Junior’s butt is definitely perfect.  I got to stare at it all day on our romantic date (it’s the date I was talking writing about in my last letter, to separate Jimmy Junior and Gene).  We went to a farm to visit some horses.  I wanted to ride one, but I wasn’t allowed to because I wasn’t a professional.  And horse riding lessons cost money.  Jimmy Junior said that the farm was smelly and he wanted to go home but I told his dad that we were planning to stay here all day, so his dad made plans with his friends (which I didn’t know he had) and he couldn’t pick up Jimmy Junior.  Jimmy Junior wasn’t happy about it and stomped off to sit under a tree, but it was so good seeing him go (because of his butt).  Did I already mention that Jimmy Junior’s butt is perfect, because I’ll say it again.  It’s perfect.  Jimmy Junior looks pretty hot too, but his backside is the treasure (or booty) on the map.  Gene likes to tell him that he has two perfect pairs of butts on the back and the front.  He has a chin like John Travolta and Gene says it’s a butt chin (which is why Gene jokes about Jimmy Junior having two butts a lot).  I don’t think that’s the real name but it stuck for me so I call it a butt chin now too.   Sorry for my butt talk, it was my favorite part of the date. 

Jimmy Junior sat under the tree and sulked, but when he stood up he pooped his pants.   Just kidding, it turned out that he sat in poop on accident.  It did look like he pooped his pants, though.  He got really mad and told me that our date stunk like the farm and he was going home.  His dad picked us up after Jimmy Junior called him ten times.  I had to keep him away from Gene all day though, which meant I had to keep him away from the restaurant.  I tried to stall by forcing Jimmy Pesto to stop at a gas station to use the bathroom (I didn’t really use the bathroom, I stood in the middle of the room for fifteen minutes) but we still arrived at the restaurant while Alex and Courtney were hanging out with Gene.  Jimmy Junior got even angrier seeing them all hang out, so he got out of the car to yell at them.  I tried to get him into Jimmy Pesto’s, but he squirmed himself out of my grip.  I guess he forgot about the poop on his butt.  Alex and Courtney had a good laugh, at least.  They found it so funny that they agreed to tell me and Regular Sized Rudy the plan, even though we didn’t hold our end of the bargain.  

You were really close with your predictions of Louise’s plan.  She called it “Pizza Panic.” She was going to make me give Mr. Fischoder the slice of pizza to distract him, while Andy and Ollie ambush him with spray paint.  Gene and Jimmy Junior would also shoot him with the rotten tomatoes and mustard with the water guns.  Alex and Courtney said that their job was to keep up the supply.  It was a bad idea and it could’ve lost us the restaurant and our apartment.  Me and Regular Sized Rudy spent the entire week trying to foil her plans, which we did.  I threw out the rotten tomatoes and told Dad to keep using our tomatoes in his burgers (so Louise couldn’t get any new ones) and Regular Sized Rudy hid the water guns.  I had to singlehandedly refill the bottles on my own, so Gene or Louise wouldn’t sneak any.  Louise got really mad because I told her that I found out about her plan and put a stop to it.  I suggested she just talk to Mr. Fischoder about what he owed her, and she did it.  She wasn’t happy about it.  When she got home, she had a huge stuffed bear in her arms and she gave it to me.  Louise was so embarrassed while explaining that she wanted to win a prize for me but the worker kept telling her that she was cheating, even though she won it fair and square.  I didn’t expect her to give me a bear, or the fact that she went through so much effort to give me a gift but I’m sure happy about it.  I’m not happy about her revenge plan, I’m happy that she was thinking about me.  I am still a bit angry about being kept in the dark.  Regular Sized Rudy is too.  It makes me sad that Jimmy Junior didn’t tell me about the plan because he promised Gene.  I get his loyalty, but I wish he was more loyal to me.  It feels like he has more loyalty towards Gene than to me.  They’ve been best friends since I could remember, but Jimmy Junior has recently been very possessive of Gene.  I’m not sure why, but I wish he was as possessive to me as he is to Gene.  Regular Sized Rudy said that if he had a friend like Jimmy Junior, they’d probably make his asthma worse because they’d suffocate him so much.  Regular Sized Rudy is funny like that.  We call him Regular Sized Rudy because there are two Rudys (Rudies?) in our school.  One of them is Pocket Sized Rudy because he’s small.  Regular Sized Rudy used to be called Wheezy Rudy, but his nickname was changed to match Pocket Sized Rudy’s nickname.  

I also decided that I won’t have a Plan B boy.  I thought about what you said and I agree.  It won’t be fair to the boy to use him as a tool.  I had a Plan B boy before, who was actually the “milkman.”  I didn’t mean for him to be, but he turned out that way.  His name was Josh.  He worked at Fresh Feed.  I went to the dairy aisle to pick up a carton of milk that my mom asked me to get and our hands touched by accident because he was restocking the milk that I grabbed.  He had a band aid on his finger from a turtle biting him (which is going to be important for later).  We ended up talking for an hour in the dairy section, but my mom needed to go and he needed to get back to his shift.  I let go of his hand, but the band aid slipped off his finger and he told me to keep it.  I was convinced that he was my true love (even though I didn’t see his face) and I was determined to find him again.  I made other boys try the band aid on, but none of them looked like his hand.  Louise told me that I was being stupid and I could’ve just went to the back where he worked to find him.  I ended up doing so, and I saw a hand that looked like his.  It was reaching for milk.  I put the bandaid back on his finger and he recognized me too.  He pulled me out of the fridge area and kissed me.  It was a scene right out of a movie, I know.  He gave me his number so we can chat more, but we both got busy with school so we didn’t talk as often as I would’ve liked.  I got to see him again when he asked me to go to his school dance with him.  Jimmy Junior got jealous of us (even though he said maybe when I asked him first to our school dance which was on the same day) and crashed the dance to win me back.  Isn’t he romantic?  I didn’t want to see them fight for me, so I offered that they could both share me but neither of them liked the idea.  I should’ve loved one of them as much as they loved me like you said.  Thanks for the advice.  For someone who doesn’t have a complicated love life, I think you give good advice.  Since you move around a lot, you probably have a lot of experience even though you haven’t found anybody worth loving yet.  You’d know when the right person is there.  Whoever is going to date you would be one lucky person, I can tell.  

How is your life going?  You’re a good listener and you respond to my letters but you haven’t talked much about your life.  What do you and your friends do?  How’s the 7/11?  I hope you’re doing okay.  Have you tried cooking any new recipes since we have last written?  I’d like to know more about you. 

From,

Tina

P.S:  Thanks for liking my long letters.  I know that I left out some questions you had but I’ll answer them in my next letter.

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett

Prairie’s Paradise

Bullrider School

October 8th, 20XX

T-Bird!

I’m sorry about your past nickname.  I think the nickname is pretty cute but I bet it wasn’t used for anything nice.  I’d get mad to too if I felt like I was being maken made fun of.  Good of on your brother for telling everyone to stop but he should respect your privacy.  My brother’s a bit old so he mature and all that.  He kinda out of the snooping and teasing phase.  Although he does go through my stuff without permission.  Just thinks that since he’s an adult, he can do whatever he wants.  It’s a load of horse crap, if you ask me.  Excuse my langoage language, sorry about that.  I can come up with some more pretty nicknames for you if you’d like.  You diserve deserve it. 

I don’t really like labels.  Unless a person puts a label on themselves I ain’t trying to label them.  I think what you’re doing is what I do: which is judging.  I find judging a bit different from labeling.  I’m looking at the behavior of someone and inturpereting interpreting that.  You can be an unbiased judge.  But from what I’m reading you do slap a label on after your judgment.  You’re right it’s normal but I don’t wanna put someone in a box like that.  Not criticizing you we’re different people and your thought process is normal.  If Tammy likes being called a bimbo then you’re probably in the clear to label her as one.  

Talking about your life isn’t annoying to me, don’t worry about it.  I like reading about what’s going on in your head.  

Sadly, I ain’t self taught.  Props to your family friend though!  Learning mechanical work from scratch can be pretty difficult.  Lots of fiddling.  I got inspired by my home education teacher Mr. Nelson.  He was a pretty cool guy.  Home ed isn’t mechanical work but it’s a lot of machines and wood cutting.  The class itself was alright but fixing the machines is what I liked.  We had old equipment so the table saws broke down a lot.  I stayed after school for detention one day (landed in detention because a prank went wrong) and Mr. Nelson was fiddling with the machines.  I asked him what he was doing and he said he was fixing them.  I wanted to help out so he started teaching me what to do.  I found it fun.  I spent my after school days there a lot.  I’ve moved up from tinkering with simple machines and I’m interested in car parts and fixing them.  My dream is to restore a beaten up convertible (preferably a corvette but I’m not picky) and take a drive across the USA.  Riding in a car that I fixed up myself would be one of the best feelings in the world.  I’m happy that you support my hobbies, I don’t get that a lot in my life.  I dunno if the butt stuff can apply to me, but you’re trying to help and I admittedly really like the attention.  

I’m happy that you and J-Ju got to go on that date if you enjoyed it.  J-Ju seemed to complain a lot.  Kinda a nice dose of karma and pretty funny that he sat in poop.  He shouldn’t be getting mad at you for stuff that you couldn’t control though.  Try to stand up for yourself more T-Bird!  Tell J-Ju that it ain’t okay that he is acting that way with you and if he don’t like it then he can just say no and don’t go.  

That sure is one wild plan that Louise had.  I’d say it was a bit complicated for what she wanted.  I would’ve skipped the pizza all together and just do the ambush.  That’s awful that you could’ve lost your restaurant and home.  Did Louise know that?  It was really smart of you and Regular Size Rudes to sabatoge sabotage her plans.  You saved the day T-Bird!  Good for you!  Louise seems to have a bad bone in her body but she must love you a lot to make such a big plan over a teddy bear.  That’s very sweet of her.  I agree that she went too far though.  

I get why you’d be mad over you and Rudes being left out.  Seems like they don’t trust you.  I guess J-Ju prioritizes his bro over his girl.  Maybe you can get an answer to why J-Ju is being so possessive of Gene.  I kinda am curious myself.  Rudes got the right idea I like him!  His nickname origin is funny too.  Seems like an all around great guy.  

Your love story with Josh was pretty tragic.  You seemed to have a good thing going on.  The meeting almost felt like fate.  Sounds like a romance movie, you’re right.  It’s too bad that J-Ju ruined your chances of moving on and finding someone better.  It seemed like you weren’t ready to move on though.  I dunno if J-Ju was being romantic but that’s how you feel.  Either that or you’re into poligamy polygamy or an open relationship.  Which is alright but your partner(s) gotta be okay with it too. 

I appreciate that you think my advice is good.  Not a lot of people really ask me for advice since they think I’m a dumb class clown.  It’s pretty cool that you take me seriously.  I never really dated anyone or liked a girl before.  There’s some girls that I fancied but they ended up wanting me to be something I’m not which I ain’t a fan of.  Yeah, I’m pretty sure I know the feeling of meeting the right person.  They ain’t gonna be the lucky one if they ever date me, but I sure am.  If the right person ever dates me, I know that I don’t deserve them and yet they’re dating me.  I’m gonna love them and treat them right if they ever date me.  I kinda said a bit too much but that’s me being honest.  I hope you don’t mind.  

My life is doing alright.  It’s always hot here which is why muscle tees are my best friend (I didn’t know the name of my shirts but Bert told me).  Me and my friends don’t do much besides prank people and drink slushees.  One of my friends thinks that he’s cool because he likes punk music (Joe) while the other one is all over the place with his interests (Bert).  He likes skateboarding, wrestling, and make-up.  They’re a bunch of knuckleheads but I am too.  I love them rascals.  We haven’t been to the 7/11 in a few days but it’s still our local haven and the air conditioning is still as cold as ever.  They ran out of my favorite slushee flavor (which is blue raspberry) but they got a new flavor of takis and it was only slightly stale.  Joe got to eat his ready-made breakfast burrito while Bert randomly bought some bean dip.  He poked around it for a bit but didn’t eat it.  I don’t understand the guy at times but that’s what I like about him.  

There’s not much to know about me that I haven't already said.  That does sound pretty boring but it’s true.  I’m a simple guy who likes cooking, animals, mechanics, and having a good time.  I like to learn and discover new things while having fun.  It’s one note but it’s how I live my life.  

I did cook something new recently and that was fajitas.  Well, I think it’s carnitas.  It was Mexican pulled pork.  I was pretty limited with my ingredients and cooking methods but I think it came out pretty good.  I got to use the school kitchen after school to cook (since I am part of culinary club).  The lunch lady taught me how.  I have the recipe she uses in my backpack. 

I hope everything is going well for you and I can’t wait for the next letter.

Yours,

Zeke

P.S:  As I said before girl: I’ll always like your long letters.  If anything, I should be thanking you for putting up with my awkward letter enders.  And don’t worry about answering all my questions, answer whatever you feel like answering.

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher

Seymour’s Bay 

October 18th, 20XX

Hey Zeke,

I don’t know if this letter will get to you on time, so happy early Halloween.  What do you like to do, if you celebrate it?  I really like watching monster movies, especially if it’s about zombies.  Sometimes I hope for a zombie apocalypse so I can have a zombie boyfriend.  Wouldn’t that be romantic?   My dad usually rushes through Halloween since his favorite holiday is Thanksgiving.  

I’d like more nicknames, that’ll be cool.  Should I give you a nickname?  I’m not good at coming up with puns or anything, I usually call people by their first name.  I can try to make up something if you want one, though.  

If your brother is an adult, he should probably buy his own stuff instead of taking yours.  That’s just my opinion though.  Is there anybody you could tell to get him to stop?   I hope that problem gets fixed soon. 

It’s really sweet that you did all of that in detention.  My sister tells me that detention is a place I want to avoid.  She mentions that they do nothing but sit in chairs and stare back at our counselor, Mr. Frond.  The worst punishment you could get is spending a week with the Thinkgineers.  They’re sort of a club at our school that nobody wants to join.  Louise is close to punishment, I feel bad for her.  Troublemaking is her life though,  I can’t take pranking away from her.  

I still don’t know much about cars, but a road trip with the wind blowing through your hair sounds nice.  Driving a car you built yourself is probably a similar feeling my dad gets when he makes burgers, or how I feel when I complete a friend-fiction.  I can relate to the happiness, and I hope you can make your dream happen.  

I felt bad that Jimmy Jr. got embarrassed, but you’re right about that.  I shouldn’t have to deal with his mood swings, but I promised  Alex and Courtney that I’d keep him away.  Jimmy Junior has a short temper at times, but he’s a good person. I think he was more upset about the situation than at me.  I still like his poop-stained butt and all. 

My sister hates to admit she loves me, but she does.  I feel like she uses that love as an excuse to prank sometimes.  The revenge that she thinks of is also damaging.  She probably isn’t including me in her plans because deep down she doesn’t want me to get in trouble.  Well, that’s how I try to think of it.  It helps me to feel less hurt about being excluded.  

I don’t blame Jimmy Jr for what happened between me and Josh.  I liked the feeling of being wanted by them; I guess I bit off more than I could chew.  I think that I like being a bachelorette the best of all, although I definitely want to settle down with Jimmy Jr once my career is secure.  I think any top office businesswoman has the same fantasy.  

You shouldn’t have to change yourself for anyone.  Maybe if you’re a bad person, but I don’t think anyone would want you if you were.  I’m not saying you’re a bad person or anything.  It’s a general thing.  

If you never liked a girl or dated anyone, how do you know what meeting the right person feels like?  Also, don’t put yourself down like that.  The person who you love deserves you as much as you deserve them.  Put more value on yourself, you seem like you would be a gentleman.  I like your honesty, not a lot of boys are good at that. 

I live near the water, so it isn’t as hot normally.  I looked up muscle tees and I approve of your choice.  The best way to describe my outfits is that Taylor Swift song, You Belong with Me.  Lots of skirts and t-shirts.  Sometimes I wear pants in the winter.  I’m pretty plain but I think it suits me best.  I’m like the girl next door.  

You and your friends sound a lot like my friends.  Well, my siblings, but they’re also my friends.  As I mentioned before, Louise lives on the thrill of pranks.  Most of her friends do too.  Gene and his friends like theatrics more than pranks but they don’t mind participating.  My friends only tag along because Jimmy Junior does what Gene does.  Sorry, I talked too much overexplained.  But what I’m trying to say is that your friend group sounds like a movie friend group.  You all have diverse personalities.  You definitely sound like a group I’d hang out with.

I never thought of a 7/11 to be a “haven” but I’m guessing it’s due to the air conditioning.  You sound like Teddy when he talks about our restaurant.  He’s a regular.  

Why does Bert buy bean dip if he only pokes it?  That’s a bit strange.  I don’t understand your friend either.  He sounds eccentric though… and who I’d picture if you told me to think what your friends are like.  

From what you’ve written, your life is pretty fun.  It does sound simple, but I think simplicity is the best way to live.  How about you?  Do you want your life to be different than it is?  

I talked to my brother (Gene) about what you cooked and he’s asking if you could send him a sample.  He loves sloppy joes, and he said that you “sold him at pulled”.  Does the lunch lady cook well?  The food at our school is pretty mediocre.  A lunch lady that can cook food is as rare as a Nightfall Glitter Royalty Dress Up figurine (from the Equestranauts). 

I’m still deciding what I should be for Halloween.  I might be a zombie and maybe I can get myself a zombie boyfriend, but there are so many options.  I don’t know what to pick.  If you like Halloween, please tell me how yours went. 

From, 

Tina

P.P.S.S: My Halloween costume choices are a zombie, a mummy, a burger, an equestranaut, or maybe a member from Boyz 4 Now.

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett 

Prairie’s Paradise 

October 28th, 20XX

Hi T-Bird!  Nice to hear back from you.

I got this before Halloween.  Can you believe it?  The postil postal service being on time is unheard of over here.  I like playing tricks on people on Halloween.  You probably guessed that.  I try to be more creative than the usual toilet papering the house or throwing eggs.  Tricking goes through my allowance since my pranks become more elaborate and the Halloween stores like to jack up prices but it’s important to respect Halloween’s scary vibe.  I’m a bit hated throughout my neighborhood becuz because of my pranks.  One of my neighbors waits in the bushes with a water bucket.  Still hasn’t caught me though!  I don’t get candy but it’s worth it.  Besides Halloween candy goes on sale right after so I can get more candy than I would trick or treating.  

Monster movies are fun!  I like watching the classic creature features.  I gotta admit that they aren’t scary to me but the classics are the best.  Something’s magical about the ol black and white.  I’m more of a Dracula or werewolf type of person but I watched Night of the Living Dead a few times.  I can see why you’d be fancying the zombies.  They look peoplelike.  Modern zombie movies make them more growtestce growtesce grotesque.  Even in the sequels of Night of the Living Dead they look more… dead.  

How would a zombie boyfriend work?  Ain’t Don’t they want to eat your brains?  Zombies don’t strike me as the kind to have many thoughts besides eating you.  It’s hard for me to picture a zombie romance but I’d like to hear how you invision picture it.  

Thanksgiving is a bit of a weird time for me personally.  But getting the food is worth it.  I want to cook a Thanksgiving dinner someday.  I’m thinking of marinating the turkey and then glazing it.  I’m stuck on the stuffing but I’m gonna ask the lunch lady her thoughts.  The other dishes would depend on what the family wants.

The first thing I thought of was Tulip.  Not as good as my other nicknames but tulips got the letter T in it and their they’re really pretty.  I’ll come up with more, promise.  You can call me whatever you want girl!  Just don’t call me by my full name and we’re peachy.  

My brother kinda does whatever he wants.  It’s annoying but there’s not much I can do.  

He usually goes through my stuff when I’m at school and when I come back and tell the old man he tells me to “man up.”  He hasn’t taken anything too personal yet.  Mainly takes my pocket change and tools.  Hasn’t returned any of them either.  When I try to hide it, he always finds my new spot.   I can’t wait till I grow up and become an adult so I can finally fight back or at least call the coppers.

Your sister is right.  Detention is a major pain most of the time.  Most of the time it’s a lot of sitting in silence and staring at walls.  Can’t even do homework or anything.  Just a big waste of time.  I was allowed to fiddle with the equipment during detention because it was free labor.  Much would rather let the “delinquent kid” spend his detention time doing something a paid worker should do.  I can’t really complain though, Mr. Nelson was a good teacher and I learned a lot.  The school is just cheap.  

What do the Thinkgineers do?  The name itself doesn’t sound that bad.  Are the kids annoying or something? 

You care a lot about your sister and as a fellow prankster it makes me happy that you let her have fun.  But I think that if your sis is going too far with pranks or getting into bad situations then you should put your foot down.  If she isn’t including you because it’ll get you all in trouble then that’s a red flag.  She might be mad about it, but sometimes safety is more important.  I feel weird talking about it cuz because I don’t really follow my own advice.  But if I had someone like you looking out for me, I’d do my best to keep in line.  To me it sounds like your sister pranks to vent.  That’s perfectly fine but I’d sugjest suggest to find other ways to let out her mischif mischief that won’t get anyone in trouble or at least won’t involve other people.

I don’t got my license yet so I wouldn’t know how it feels to drive with the window open.  I’m gonna get my license when I know how to fix cars inside and out.  It’ll save a lot of money on repairs and you’re right, it will be nice to drive my baby who I fixed up all by myself.  By the way what’s a friendfiction? 

I agree with you girl.  If you think that being a bachelorette is the best for you then go for it!  Save your life for someone who will respect your lifestyle.  I understand wanting to be a part of a love triangle.  It sounds fun.  But be careful please.  You don’t wanna hurt others or yourself.  At least I know you’re a good person because so many guys want you.  Well if we following your thoughts.  Love can really blind your logic so I think it’s easy to excuse bad behavior if you like them.  I’m not putting this on you I think you’re genuinely a good person.  I just wanted to add to your general thought.  

Also I met a girl recently that I’m really connecting with.  It’s a bit of a new feeling to me but it feels right.  I enjoy her happiness.  Thanks for the encouragement Tulip.  I guess that what people think of me has been rubbing off on me a bit.  I’m different from what people think of me and I’m glad that you helped remind me.  I really like your honesty too.  

You sound real pretty!  Are you like those summer girls?  We don’t have them here but they’re awfully cute.  I listened to the song and I got an idea of what you look like.  Plain is the best.  I like flashy too but simple clothing is easy on the eyes.  I wouldn't mind if you were a girl next door.

I’d hang out with your siblings/friends too!  We sound pretty similar.  Just a couple people with a bunch of looneys as friends.  I think that it keeps life interesting though.  And you’re right, some of our antics feel like they came right out of a movie.  Maybe we should pitch our lives as a movie script.  Probably would make big bucks!   Bert has a mind of his own which I gave up on trying to get.  He definitely is exsentric eccentric.  Doesn’t have a reason for half the stuff he does.  And what’s that last comment about my friends matching me mean?  Nothing bad I hope.

You guessed right about the air conditioning.  You’d think that every building in this town would have air conditioning since it’s so hot here but you’d be wrong.  Lots of plug in fans.  Joe always brings the hand held ones.  It ain’t enough most of the time so if you wanna survive the heat then 7/11 is your best friend.  Your restaurant seems like a place I’d be a regular at too if you got a working air conditioner.  Your dad sounds like a good cook which is a double win.  

I’d love to send Gene a sample but I have a feeling that the food will go bad in the mail.  I can send a picture instead.  I know it ain’t the same but I don’t wanna send y’all rotten food. 

Our lunch lady cooks pretty well!  She probably won’t be considered a pro chef but she got a talent for cooking.  I’m not much of a picky eater so I might not be the person to ask.  But she knows how to cook a lot of different foods and she makes good with what the school gives her.  She turns sludge into a home cooked meal.  I would call it some type of witchcraft if I didn’t see the process myself.  By lunch lady standards she is definitely a Nightfall Glitter figurine.  

There are too many Halloween costumes to pick from.  That’s why I don’t dress up!  Well sometimes I do if I got spare change but I wear something boring like a creepy mask.  I abandoned the masks recently though because everyone in my neighborhood already knows who I am and who most likely trashed their house.  I think you’d make a cute zombie!  Have you considered other monsters?  Ghoulic bread?  A sand witch?  

I have a devilish Halloween trick up my nonexistent sleeve.  I’ll tell you what happened in the next letter.  Tell me what costume you decided on and how your Halloween went!  I wanna know what a Halloween in Seymour’s Bay is like.

YooOooOOoours, 

Zeke

P.P.S.S: How about a boo! ger?

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher

Seymour’s Bay

November 5th, 20XX

Hey Zeke,

I didn’t get your letter before Halloween. The date already shows that, sorry.  I wish I got this earlier because your costume ideas were pretty good.  I decided to be a mom-my (mummy), Gene was Queen Latifah during her U.N.I.T.Y phase, and Louise was Edward Scissorhands.  I was sure that our costumes were the best until I got your suggestions.  A sand-witch is a funny pun.  Gene was mildly upset that he didn’t think of ghoulic bread.  We’re going to dress up as those next year.  Louise even decided she’d be a sub-wraith.  Mom found it pretty funny until Louise was figuring out how to fit a sword into a foot long.  She said “it’s Halloween, not Hallowuss.”  Dad said that he’s making sure to come with us next time.   You tricking people was the first thing that came up when I thought about what you were going to do.  You take Halloween pretty seriously.  Louise says that “the whole point of Halloween is getting free stuff, not spending money.  He’s an idiot.”  I wrote too much down.  You aren’t an idiot.  I think that it’s smart that you buy Halloween candy on sale.  

We didn’t get much candy in our neighborhood besides some crackers from Jimmy Pesto, deli tags, and seaweed candy from our counselor, Mr. Frond.  That’s why Louise insisted Dad didn’t come because that’s the only route he allows us to take.  We went to King’s Head Island (where the rich people are) instead (where we aren’t allowed to go).  They gave us full bars.  Everything I knew to be true went out the window.  I admit we got a bit greedy and took three candy bars instead of one but if you had to trick or treat in our neighborhood, you would do the same thing.  We paid for it later since we got caught in the Hell Hunt.  Well, Milo and Ned, the other kids we were with got caught in it.  We managed to escape, but it felt wrong to abandon the town that gave us the best candy we’d ever seen.  It felt like we owed them.  Besides, the rotten eggs and pee balloons were a bit too far.   Well, I don’t really know but I do have two prank experts to ask.  Louise said it was a war crime, what do you think? 

We got the kids out, but Louise wanted extra revenge on the Hell Hunters.  I’ll save some butt details.  Gene lost his bag of candy, and the Hell Hunters became the Hell Hunterers.  Oh yeah, and I lost my baby.  Don’t worry, it was a doll.  The full bars of chocolate filled my loss.  It was a fun Halloween, but I wouldn’t go through the effort again.  It was pretty gross.  Your way seems easier.  

Old monster movies are fun.  My mom likes them.  I normally don’t watch them since it comes on during trick or treating hours.  I’ve seen Night of the Living Dead, but I’m not attracted to those kinds of zombies.  I want a zombie boyfriend because they are coming back from the dead to be with you.  That’s some commitment you’d only see on the Bachelor.  Well, certain seasons anyways.  I think the power of our love would rewire his hunger for my brains into a hunger for my lips.  We’d kiss then I’d become a zombie too and we’ll be in love forever. 

I’m also a vampire and werewolf fan.  Sparkle in the Dark is one of my favorite films, and it’s about a vampire/human/werewolf love triangle.  Team Eddie for the win.

Don’t worry, Thanksgiving is weird over here too.  Even though it’s my dad’s favorite holiday, he always tries to outdo himself which makes our Thanksgivings more complicated each year.  I’d like to see how you'd cook.  My dad doesn’t let anyone in the kitchen after what happened last time, so I don’t get to see the process.  Your meal sounds good.  My personal favorite Thanksgiving side meals are mashed potatoes and gravy, corn on a cob, and some cranberry jelly.  I asked my dad about what stuffing you should use, and he said that “it all depends on the turkey’s flavor.  the most important part of stuffing the turkey is to not over or underfill.”  I hope that information is useful.

I like Tulip.  I think the names you came up with are fine.  It’s more than what I can come up with.  The only name I can think of for you is Zeke.  

Your brother needs a lesson in personal space.  Louise said that you should prank him.  I think that you should try to talk it out first, but he seems beyond reasoning so I think you should prank him too.  I'm not trying to promote bad behavior but he has it coming.  

Does your school have any funding?  If Wagstaff is low on money, then we’re forced to do fundraisers.  We sell chocolate and do book fairs.  

I’ve never been around the Thinkgineers so I wouldn’t know.  Regular-Sized Rudy is in the club and he says it’s fun.  I take his word for it, I’m not interested in getting stuck in a club that I don’t want to be in for a year.

I’m not that good at telling Louise what to do.  Nobody really is, but I’m the worst at it. She can take things too far.  I told her that if she feels frustrated or has a pranking urge, she can always prank me.  I’m pretty prankable. 

A friend-fiction are fanfictions I write about scenarios with me and my friends.  Fanfictions are fan made written stuff.  I write them regularly.  

Thanks for the concern, Zeke.  I don’t want to get hurt or to hurt Jimmy Junior.  I know that I’m not a committed woman right now, but that’s fine.  Jimmy Junior is going to wait for me.  I think that I’m nice, but everyone thinks that they’re a good person.  It means a lot that you think I’m good.  Thanks for adding to my thought.  You have smart thoughts, I’d like you to add what you think more often. 

When did you meet her?  Do you think that she’s a good match for you?   I know that the heart wants what it wants, but please don’t get hurt.  If you ever need a wingwoman to put in a good word for you, I’m a pen and,paper, and 1,500 miles away.

You know yourself best.  Keep remembering that you aren’t bad.  You’re cool.  

I’m not described as pretty.  What’s a summer girl?  If you’re thinking about beach babes, I don’t think I fit the description.  I wear lots of blues.  I’m interested in wearing eye catching clothes, but I’m used to my wardrobe.  That, and flashy clothes are expensive.  There’s some flash in me though, I live life on the edge with my yellow hair clip.  

Our lives would make a fun movie.  How would we split profits?  I wonder how the plot would go.  I always wanted to be in a rom-com.  There isn’t any romance so our movie would just be a comedy.  It sounds less interesting now. 

I didn’t mean anything bad by saying that, sorry it came off that way.  I was trying to say that your friends make sense when I think of you.  They are how I’d imagine your friends to be.  They are interesting and good people who seem hard to understand but you like them anyways.  They are fitting for you. 

There isn’t any air conditioning? I heard that the south has pretty bad heatwaves.  I’m sorry, you must be very sweaty.  You can describe it if you like.  I like hot weather, it makes boys more attractive.  Okay Heatstroke would be a problem since it affects health.  Please stay sweaty but make sure to drink water and stay in the shade.  You’re welcome at our restaurant any time, even though you don’t live here.  Dad would be happy to cook you a burger. 

Gene says that a picture would be fine.  Preferably with you in it.  Thanks for not sending us rotten food. 

You’re lucky that your cafeteria food is edible.  Ours is too, by the way.  But it tastes bad.  We don’t really have a lunch lady.  Hildy stands there and does her best. 

What was your Halloween like?  I hope Prairie’s Paradise is just as eventful as it is here.  Or maybe not, Halloween here was stressful. 

From,

Tina

P.P.P.S.S.S: That’s s-not a good pun, but my dad liked it.

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett 

Praries Prairie’s Paradise

November 12th, 20XX

T-Bird!

Hey girl!  It’s good to hear from you.  I’d reckon expect that you wouldn’t get my letter in time.  I absolutely fancy you and your siblings’ and your costumes. Gene’s sounds very artsy and all that.  I’m flattered that you’ll use my ideas next year.  I was proud of those puns myself.  Went weak I found Louise’s subwraith idea real funny.  The girl has potential in her.  I like going all out for Halloween too but that spitfire’s gonna kill someone at the rate she’s going.  Glad that your old ma pops dad is gonna tag along to keep your sister in check.  Would be safer for everyone. 

Half of Halloween’s about the pranks.  Can’t treat without the trick.  I pride myself on being the spirit of tricks.  Can’t have the neighborhood getting too comfortable.  Sure there are a few pranks that can be done for free but the fun ones always need fun-ding. 

I wish I could prank someone and then get free candy afterward but all soldiers gotta sacrifice something in war.  

Your Halloween sounded like a doozy.  Good strategy of Louise to go to the rich neighborhoods.  Don’t wanna offend, but the "candy" you got from your neighborhood is sad.  The rich people candy always is better.  From what you’ve written, I would’ve robbed them dry of candy.  You’re a saint for only taking three.

Good on you for not abandoning those kids.  You have a good heart girl.  I agree that the pee balloons are too far.  That’s just plain nasty.  I enjoy giving a wet willy same as any other guy, but bodily fluids like pee?  Nah.  If they were throwing pee at y’all you all, that revenge y’all served better be cold and wet.  I want the details of what that little devil decided to do.

Poor Gene, hope he got his candy somehow.  Did you all share?  If not you should tell Gene what I do since I don't get any candy either.  Wouldn’t want him to miss out on all the cavities.  Sorry about the loss of your baby.  I pay my respects.  Must’ve been creepy that a doll like yourself is carrying another doll around.  Dollception seems fitting on Halloween.

My Halloween was one of the wilder ones I've had these past few years.  I heard that my brother was gonna have a Halloween party, so me and the guys dropped all the other pranks we had planned on the neighborhood to brew up the ultimate trick as payback for the money he stole from me.  While my brother was out picking up some chicks we decided to sneak into his place.  I came up with the brilliant idea to add a bit of extra flavor to the party platters.  Put a drop of the good ol Carolina Reaper hot sauce in every edible dish I could find.  Also poured as much salt as possible into the drink bowls.  Bert turned off the water to the house so nobody can cheat by getting tap.  Joe swapped out all the music for snore worthy downers.  We also called a nursing home saying that bingo night was rescheduled at my brother’s house.  I admit that this prank goes beyond what I usually do and I feel a bit weird when it comes to morals but it’s also my brother and his no good friends, so most of my guilt is out the window.   I crossed my fingers that Lady Luck was on our side cuz because my brother had to react the way I wanted to for everything to work.  We hid up in his attic for a bit, waited until he got back with his crew.  There were a ton of people, exactly what I hoped.  Me and the boys could barely hear each other because of how loud they were.  Then the speakers were turned up and I swear it went silent so fast.  I had to hold it in when somebody coughed.  I couldn’t see my brother’s face but boy, I could picture his embarrassment perfectly in my head.  He got so mad, cursing at himself and telling everyone that they can have snacks while he figured out why his mixtapes were recorded over.  I could tell when they ate because they all started to squeal like hogs!  I think my brother caught on after that because he was yelling my name and tearing up the whole house.  He was having an episode like Carrie after she got dumped in blood, it was crazy.  We snuck out the window just in time to see the confused old people start trickling their way inside, it was the BEST!  I wished that I could’ve stuck with the Halloween theme but you know how it goes, the bastar jerk stole all my pranking money this year.  It’s gonna be spookier next year, mark my words.  Now that I wrote down how my Halloween went, it sounds like both of our nights were a doozy.  

Your zombie boyfriend idea sure sounds like some sweet iced tea.  I get why you want one now.  I wouldn’t wanna be a zombie though.  Maybe there’s a way for you to be human and him to be a zombie.  Or maybe he can become human again.  I mean, if you can settle for a zombie looking human then I’m willing to offer myself.  After a good wrestling game, I get mistaken as a zombie all the time.  Although after looking up Sparkle in the Dark, I’d reckon you’d want a more sparkly zombie guy.  Why do those vampires sparkle in the sun?! 

Tell your dad that I thank him for his advice.  I like him already!  He seems like a good man who loves his Thanksgiving turkey.  I respect his dedication to the art, I'm gonna build my craftsmanship to his level someday. 

I’m happy that you like Tulip but being honest, T-Bird really stuck with me.  It has a nice rev to it.  

Our school got just enough funding to keep the walls up.  I don’t live in the richest area so we don’t get as much compared to everyone else.  Our school district doesn’t care enough to try and raise money.  Honestly the only reason why we got a cooking club is that the lunch lady and teachers provide what they got.  We’re lucky that we got good teachers here.  Well, a few at least. 

It’s nice of you to offer yourself as Louise’s pranking bag, but you gotta keep yourself in mind.  Put your foot down if she goes too far, okay?  Tell her that I’ll give her a piece of my mind if she doesn’t respect you or the art of pranking.  Professionals have standards. 

Your friendfictions sound mighty interesting!  So you write imaginary scenarios between you and your friends?  I’d love to read one if you’re willing to send over an example you’ve written. 

I’m flattered that you think I got smart thoughts. If I'm being honest, I was afraid that you’d take what I say the wrong way.  Wouldn’t wanna offend you ever.

Woah!  Those are a lot of questions, girl.  I’m a bit embarrassed to answer them right now.  I’ll answer them when I get to know her better.  All you gotta know is that I’m caking for her.  Heavy whipped cream. Thanks a lot for caring about my feelings, it means a lot that you don’t want me to get hurt.  I bet that you’d be the best wingwoman a guy could ask for.  If you think I’m cool, then I bet she thinks the same.  Who knows, maybe she’ll give me the time of day.  Just gotta prove that I’m struck for her as much as a rodeo cowboy gets kicked in the ribs. 

There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re pretty now!  Blue is a pretty color, so is yellow.  I bet you’d look good in anything you decide to wear.  And nah, my taste in women is pretty specific.  Beach babes are pretty, but I dunno if I’d date one. 

I’m thinking we should split our movie profits 50/50.  The plot’s writing itself, girl!  The plot is our letters.  Also, we wouldn’t want a boring movie.  I’m down to make it more interesting.  

My friends are fine people, I’m glad that you weren’t making any bad comments towards them.  Some folks have some opinions on them, so I always get a bit defensive.  You nailed them spot on though.  We’re like peas in a pod, I agree that we all fit each other mighty well. 

It is ALWAYS hot in the south.  If you love to sweat, move on down here!  It’s kinda hard to describe being sweaty, I’d say that my skin’s on fire and it feels like I’m boiling.  You could cook an egg on me during the summer.  You don’t gotta ask me to stay sweaty, it’s kinda the default over here.  I don’t think I’ve ever seen snow in person.  I wish I could see what you do.  To me, hot weather does nothing to boys but make them stinky.  Thanks for being so welcoming, it’s a nice thought knowing that there’s an air conditioned space that welcomes me with open arms.  

Also, try bringing in your own lunch if you can.  If your food is that bad, could be dangerous to eat.  Heard some bone chilling food poisoning stories from the school near ours.  

Here’s an awful picture of my pork.  Hope everything is going well, I can’t wait to hear back from you.

Yours,

Zeke

P.P.P.P.S.S.S.S: I apologize, I didn’t realize that it spelled booger until a few days after mailing it.  Felt super stupid.  Was going more for a ghost thing.  But I like your pun and I’m happy your dad liked mine.

Chapter Text

Tina Belcher

November 18th, 20XX

Hey Zeke,

Happy Thanksgiving.  I’m not writing this on Thanksgiving, but I think it’ll be mailed to you on the day of.  If I did the math right.  Hopefully I did.  If not, happy early or late thanksgiving.  I hope it goes well.

It’s a bit crazy at home right now.  I think I wrote about how serious my dad takes Thanksgiving.   He buys a turkey early and everything.  It can get a bit stressful.  I try not to take it seriously because nobody else in my family does.  Mom and Gene find it funny and Louise thinks dad is ridiculous but I feel bad for him sometimes.  We both have a habit of taking our favorite things seriously, and even though we look “extra” as Gene calls it, everything else feels so real to us.  The pain, the hardship, and the love.  Sorry, I know I went on a serious streak there.  I wish that people could understand how it feels to love something that much.

Your prank seemed a little mean spirited to me.  But Louise said it was brilliant when I told her.  I’d take her word over mine, since the best prank I ever pulled was grilling a customer’s burger well done instead of medium rare on April Fool’s.  I remember dad wasn’t happy.  Sorry, I know that my mind is everywhere.  I still wanted to write to let you know that I didn’t forget about you.

From,

Tina

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett

Prairie’s Paradise

November 24th, 20XX

Hi Tina-B!

You made me incredibly nervous for a minute.  I was thinking about sending you another letter but I thought maybe a lot of people sent Thanksgiving letters.  You really made me play the waiting game!  Are you okay though?  Your letter was really short, it got me a little concerned.  You usually have so much to say and I love reading about it.  I don’t mean to pry or anything.  It was just unusual is all.

How’s my favorite Tina doing?  Well your you’re the only Tina I know.  But you’ll still be my favorite Tina.

I think I did comment on your dad’s love for Thanksgiving in the past.  I can relate to why he loves thanksgiving, but in a different way.  Your dad seems really pashionate passionate about the food and don’t get me wrong, I am too!  I think with all the cooking I talk about, I probably sound like your dad too sometimes.  But I think I enjoy Thanksgiving because of family.  You were right about that prank on my brother being mean spirited.  That’s how we treat each other for most of the year except Thanksgiving.  Our whole family puts rivalries and grievences grievances aside to have a good meal together.  It means a lot to me that my family can be in one place together and enjoy each other’s company.

I can imagine why your mom and your little brother find your dad’s seriousness funny.  On paper, I laughed too.  He probably wakes up at some ungodly hour so he can get the best turkey pics.  I tried to read what you crossed out (sorry, curiosity killed the cat) and I wish I can understand.  I got stuff I love, but you and your dad seem to love your hobbies differently.  I’ll never make fun of you for that T.  I think that it’s pretty darn cool that you feel differently about your interests compared to other people.  That’s what makes you so cool, and that’s why I like you.  You’re honest and you’re you.

I figured Louise would like that prank.  I’m flattered that she thinks that I’m brilliant.  I’ll take both of your words into my noggin, because I agree with you both.  Although it was really fun, I also agree that I was being a jerk.  I’ll make sure my pranks are more harmless from now on.

I think the prank you pulled was pretty safe and funny.  I would’ve switched out the ingredients, but I understand that people have allergies.  You went with something safe and small, and that’s a start.  Let me know if you need any pranking tips!  I know you got your sister, but I’m always here to give a second opinion.

I’m happy you didn’t forget about me, I can’t forget about you.  How could I?  Writing these letters is my equivalent of a heroin addiction.

Yours,

Zeke

Chapter Text

“Mmm…Boy!  You got mail.”

Zeke’s father threw the envelope in front of Zeke, on his desk.

“Thanks, sir.” Zeke managed to say, barely able to contain his excitement.

As soon as Zeke's father stepped out of the room, closing the door behind him, Zeke eagerly turned back to the envelope on his desk.  It was purple, just like the others Tina had sent.  Her writing was always so crisp and playful, it was the highlight of Zeke’s day.  He quickly tore open the envelope, eager to see what his pen pal had written this time.  But as he pulled out the letter, he noticed something strange.  It looked as if it had been torn apart and taped back together.  Inside, there was a separate, crudely written note:

Hey,

We don’t know each other, but I’m Tina’s sister Louise.  I ripped this up and I’m sorry.

There was also the original letter from Tina, although it was pretty much illegible. The words were fragmented and distorted from being ripped.  He could make out a few phrases like “taffy” and “Jimmy Jr.” but otherwise, it was fruitless to piece together what she wrote.  He still tried to reread her letter, trying to understand.  A destroyed letter won’t stop him from replying though. He grabbed a fresh piece of paper and licked the tip of his pen to get the ink flowing.  He’ll just send another letter.

Chapter Text

Zeke Bennett

Prairie’s Paradise

December 6th, 20XX

Hey Tina-B!

I dunno if you know, but your sister got to your letter.  I can’t read it, it’s kinda destroyed.  I don’t wanna burden you and make you write what you wrote all over again, but I do wanna let you know that I’m interested!  I hope all’s well with you, girl.  Hopefully this’ll get to you before crismas Christmas, I want to know what you and your family got planned.  I don’t got much going on over here.  We’re hanging the stockings and baking cookies and such.  I like Christmas because my old man doesn’t judge me being in the kitchen and cooking.  He even enjoys my glazed ham and chocolate chip cookies.  Makes me bake extra for “Santa.”  Hope everything is okay with you and Louise, the ripped letter kinda got me worried.

Yours,

Zeke