Chapter Text
Was she dead? It was definitely a possibility. Nope, she was in far too much pain to be dead. But that didn’t explain what she’d heard and who she’d seen. Nobody called her changeling but Wee John. And Stede…the crew had been marooned weeks ago and Stede was just barely cold himself. She had to be dead. Maybe she was in hell. It would explain the pain.
Her head pounded and her stomach burned like a million red ants burrowing into her intestine. What had happened? Fuck it was all in bits and pieces. She remembered it being cold…and she remembered not being able to breathe…the ship! That’s right she’d escaped Leviathan's ship! And…the man with the rope around his waist…damn she must have drowned before he could reach her because she remembered rising through the air…no he had gotten to her…
“A blanket or something she’s shaking like a leaf!”
But why…?
She opened her eyes a tiny sliver and a low orange-gold glow filled her vision. It was still too blurry to see and her lids were growing heavy again.
Soft thuds from down the hall slowly grew louder and louder. Shit what if it was an attacker?! She forced her eyes open once again just in time for the door on the far end of the room to swing open.
“Oh thank fuck you’re awake.”
Did she just get tossed back into the water? If not, then she had no explanation for the chilled shock running down her body.
“Lu…Lucius?!”
The scribe gave her a smile as he let the door slowly swing closed behind him. In his hands was a tray bearing a water pitcher, a bowl of steaming broth, and three rolls.
“Feeling any better?”
“…I’m dead aren’t I?”
Lucius let out a noise that was halfway between a confused scoff and a chuckle.
“It wouldn’t appear that way.” He said.
“But…but the crew…and Stede and-“ she had to swallow the anguish behind the final bit of the sentence, “…and you.”
A softened pain came to Lucius’s eyes as he set down the tray, seating himself on the cozy little bed.
“That’s the beauty of it.” He said gently. “Somehow, by the grace of whoever the fuck is up there, we all managed to survive.”
It took a lot of self control for Isabella to not let her jaw drop. That couldn’t be…was he…it had all been real? She blinked a few times, looking her friend in the eyes for the first time in weeks as this revelation sunk in. Then, without even caring for dignity or weakness, she launched herself at him, a joyful cry bursting from her as she hugged him tightly.
“Whoa! You’re supposed to be rest-“
“Screw that! I can rest later.” She burst, tightening her grip on him. “I thought I’d never see you again!”
Realizing she wasn’t going to take it easy, Lucius sighed, resigned to his fate, and hugged her back. A little tug came to his chest when he felt the way she was trembling and her fists grabbed hold of his shirt, desperately clinging and refusing to let go. He tightened his grip on her and ruffled her hair. “There now. It’s alright. You’re safe now.”
She pulled away, looking up at his face. There were heavy bags under his eyes and his cheeks were sunken. In addition to that, he was far thinner than when she last saw him. “Lu…”
“A lot has happened since you left.” He replied sadly.
She shook her head. It didn’t matter. She was home and her friends were okay.
Her friends…the crew!
She grabbed Lucius’s hand and started dragging him towards the door but he stayed firmly planted where he was. “Just where do you think you’re going
“To the deck! I want to see-“
“The only place you’re going is right back into bed.” He scolded.
“I haven’t seen the crew in months!” She whined.
“They can come in and see you.” Lucius wouldn’t be moved. “You look like shit, you smell like shit, and you’re probably feeling like shit.”
She stuck out her tongue at him.
“Cute.” He deadpanned, crossing his arms.
“You are a cruel bastard.”
“Excuse you, I am the cruel bastard.” She flipped him off. “Oh you wound me.” He snarked, just as deadpanned as before. He gave her a little smile and ruffled her hair again as she got back into bed. “They missed you too.” His voice was sincere and gentle now.
She gave him a little smile back. She’d missed him. She’d missed just goofing around and being stupid with her friends.
“You know there are a couple of folks that have been itching to see you since you got back. If you’re up for some company?”
“What kind of stupid question is that? Of course I am!”
Lucius gave her a smile and a firm “okay back into bed with you” before leaving the room again.
Isa laughed and settled back against the soft down pillows. In all honesty, her mind was still taking a good minute to process everything. Less than 12 hours ago, she thought all of her friends were dead and that she’d spend the rest of her life…she shivered and tugged the blankets a bit closer to her.
She’d never have to go back there, she told herself. She was safe now.
She paused.
That very kind of thinking was what broke her so badly to begin with. Was she ever truly safe?
The sound of footsteps just outside of her room tugged her out of her thoughts again and a soaring feeling came to her chest as the door swung open…only to quickly disappear and make way for debilitating anger and a numb sickness in her gut when she saw who came through it.
“Oh thank goodness you’re awake!” Stede fussed.
“We’re so glad you’re safe songbir-“
“Don’t call me that.” Isabella interrupted, her voice flat and numb, only showing a sliver of the heated rage underneath.
Ed and Stede exchanged a worried look before Ed sighed. “I know we hurt you badly. There’s nothing we can do to fix the harm we’ve caused. But if you’re willing, we want to try again. Make up for the damage we’ve done in any way we can.”
“That’s all very well. But I have no desire to pursue anything with either of you.” She replied coolly.
“Isa luv, we really-”
“My name is Isabella.” She corrected.
The captains were silent again for a very long time. Finally Ed broke the silence. “Do…do you want to be taken back to Ireland?” His voice was barely a whisper.
She thought for a moment before speaking. “I don’t know. But regardless of whether I stay or go, I don’t want either of you around me.”
Before everything, the saddened twist to Stede's brow would have broken her heart. Now she felt nothing. Yes…nothing whatsoever.
“There’s nothing we can-”
“Nothing you can do, nothing you can say, nothing you can give me, nothing will make me want to be around you after how you’ve treated me.” Her voice was still cold and numb. Stede looked like he was about to cry. Ed looked from Isa to his co-captain and back to Isa again.
“That’s truly what you want?”
The tiny flecks of amber shone in his eyes and Isa almost looked away when she saw them, the sickened twist in her gut only growing worse. But she kept her gaze. She couldn’t show any kind of weakness around them. They might think they had a chance of breaking her. “Yes.” She replied. “I don’t want to see either of you any more than I have to.”
Ed sighed, defeated. “Alright songbi-…Isabella. We’ll respect your wishes.”
“B-but Ed-!”
“Stede.” Ed fixed his co-captain with a good long stare before the other man sighed, his shoulders dropping before he silently nodded again, swiftly exiting the room. “We’ll be here. In case you change your mind.” Ed finished, reached out for her before stopping himself and giving her a nod, following Stede out of the room, leaving Isa alone again.
She let out a heavy groan of a sigh and flopped back down onto her bed. The emotional extremes that she’d slammed into over the last fifteen minutes had distracted her from just how beat she was. What made things worse was that she hoped the sick twist in her gut would go away as soon as she told those two off but if anything it only got worse.
Why? Why was this causing her so much distress? They’d hurt her. They’d both ripped a hole in her that could never be repaired.
Was it incapable of repair or did she just want it to be that way?
No. No, she was being ridiculous. This was all on them. They way they’d treated her drove her away and now they were reaping what they’d sown. This was justice.
Her stomach twisted again and she rolled onto her side, tugging the pillow to her chest.
This was stupid. This was so stupid. She’d known exactly how she felt about them twelve hours ago. She knew she hated them, she knew she wanted nothing to do with them, she had known exactly what she’d say to them on the very small chance she’d ever see them again. That’s exactly what happened and she’d said precisely what she’d intended to say.
So why was she still feeling so sick?
Maybe it was the saddened look in her da…in Ed’s eyes when she’d said it-
No! No, don't think of that. He doesn’t deserve your sympathy.
Neither of them deserved a single drop of affection or positivity of any kind.
“ Such a fine young lady you’re becoming ”
Not again.
She was in no mood to have this war with herself again so the best thing she felt she could do was sleep.
They both looked so sad when they left.
I said I’m not in the mood for this.
Stede looked like he was about to cry.
I’m not doing this with you right now.
He probably is crying on deck this very minute.
I can’t hear I can’t hear you I can’t hear you!
You’re just as bad as they are. Worse even. They’re begging for your forgiveness and you’re treating them like trash.
They’re not entitled to my forgiveness.
You wanted to call Stede father. What kind of monster treats their own father like this?
“Shut up!” She sat bolt upright in bed, hands pressed over her ears. “Shut up! Shut up! Shut the fuck up!”
The wooden walls absorbed the angry shouts, swallowing her voice until the room was still once again. A flash of movement across the room caught her eye and she nearly started to cry when she looked towards it, finding only the mirror and her bedraggled reflection.
Her hair was a rats nest and her cheeks were pale and sunken. The bags under her eyes were the size of a shilling and the unpleasant frown permanently slapped across her lips had deepened to a nasty glower.
Another memory of her mother trickled into her mind out of the gummy haze that surrounded the first nine years of her life and the woman who raised her.
“ Why don’t you smile more honeysuckle? If you keep frowning so much, one day your face will freeze like that and you’ll never be able to smile again.”
Once again, her mother has been correct. She’d always work that familiar grimace to keep herself safe. In her experience “happy” was just a synonym for “naive” which was just a synonym for “easy target”. The moment she stepped outside the safety of the brothel, it was a constant race to keep her head above water. From angry Protestants trying to hurt her for having the “wrong” faith to run of the mill dicks who thought of her as easy prey. Easy coin…easy body.
The sick feeling grew worse, lurching up into her throat. Deep breaths lass, deep breaths.
Her face may not have completely frozen like that but it certainly felt like it. Her cheeks had forgotten what smiling felt like so now she was stuck with a permanent grimace. At least now the rest of the world would leave her alone…they’d know what a pain she was. They’d know not to bother with her.
Aaaaaaand we’re getting out of bed. Don’t wanna deal with those thoughts, no siree.
It was admittedly harder to get out of bed than she wanted to let on but things were fine when she was on her feet and moving again. She just needed something to keep her hands busy.
She caught sight of herself again as she passed by the mirror and realized she was now wearing a cotton nightgown (that was three sizes too big) as opposed to the stolen cabin boy’s clothes. She went crimson, hoping that Jim had been the one to help get her out of her wet clothes and into something dry. Maybe Roach, as a medic he would have seen it all but that was a very loose maybe. The idea of anyone else in the crew seeing her naked made her wince. The last thing she wanted was any of her brothers-
She forced that thought to a halt before it could go any further.
The devastation of thinking them all to be lost the first time had almost killed her. She wouldn’t be able to bear it if it happened again. But the whole reason she’d taken it so hard in the first place was because she’d let herself get too close to the crew. The captains had purposefully acted in a way that had hurt her but the loss of the crew and the depression that came with it had hit her far worse than it should have. She’d always taken such care to not open herself up and make herself vulnerable before leaving Ireland the first time and she’d foolishly set herself up for more pain by doing just that. She couldn’t afford to make that mistake again.
With newly steeled resolve, she quickly changed and stepped back out into the familiar unknown, telling herself that the twist in her belly was late coming chill from her swim. Nothing more.