Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

~ Lottie ~

“How bad is it?” She asks, finishing her makeup.

Jackie sighs: “It’s pretty safe to say Laura Lee won’t be coming tonight." Natalie groaned in annoyance. Lottie shared her displeasure, they were a Yellowjacket down for homecoming. Having just won Nationals in Seattle, they were all looking forward to returning home and celebrating together. Now, Laura Lee was sick – it wouldn’t affect much, but Lottie in particular would miss her company tonight.

Jackie hands her Laura Lee’s dress from her wardrobe. “She called me, she wants you to wear it Lottie.”

Lottie runs her fingertips over the floral fabric of the dress and nodded to Jackie. “Thank you.” She disappears into the upstairs bathroom to put it on. Lottie heard the faint click as she locks the door; Laura Lee’s dress folded over her arm before she laid it out on the sink counter in front of her. She could see her friend’s name embroidered on the label. Slipping the dress over her head, Lottie feels happy that some part of Laura Lee would be headed to home coming tonight.

A harsh sound of a violin reached her ears, softening into a lament-like melody. Lottie sees her brows furrow with confusion in the mirror – spinning around and quietly opening the bathroom door into an empty hallway. The sound of her friends talking and laughing as they got ready was barely heard over the violin, whoever was playing it. It seemed to be coming from the other end of the hallway. Lottie walks cautiously down it, her heels clicking against the wooden floor. The noise getting louder and louder. Someone calling her name: Lottie… Lottie…

“Lottie!” It’s Natalie’s voice, the other girls beside her wearing looks of concern. A sea of worry. “Are you ready?”

“Yeah.” Lottie tells them quickly, slightly dazed. “Which…which one of you was playing the violin?”

Jackie gives her a confused look. “I don’t have a violin in my house, Lottie.”

“Oh…” Lottie looks at the end of the hallway then back at them. “I thought…”

“Sure you haven’t been drinking?” Mari asks in an amused tone.

“Mari!” Natalie shoots her a glare, she’s wearing the leopard-print dress she looks so great in.

Lottie shrugs. “I had some… vodka. Earlier. That must be it.” True enough, she’d been drinking with Nat some hours ago.

“Okay,” Says Tai. “Just take it easy tonight. The last thing we need is another sick person.”

~Nicolas~

The melody he elicited from the violin comes to a stop at long last. He can feel the beads of sweat on his face, hear his exhausted breath, the last few notes as clearly as when they were played. Short enough, sweet enough to bring down the entire house. Lowering his beloved violin, Nicki retakes his seat amongst the orchestra; his gaze upon Lestat from afar, whose eyes were flooded with praise he cannot speak if not to interfere with the rest of the night. The song itself was harsh at first, gradually softening into a sorrowful melody. He’d put his heart and soul into it, it was exhausting but worth it. Lestat always describes his music as ‘beautiful’. Perhaps he was right. But Nicki always had his doubts so he wouldn’t be too hopeful. There were times he feared he would not amount to anything in Paris at all. This was one of those times. He feared he would not be the great violinist he desired to become, a fleeting moment of doubt this was but strong enough to strike unhappiness in him. He felt dazed as he fell back into his seat and watched as the rest of the night unfolded.

“Incredible as always, Nicki.” Lestat tells him when they walk back to their rooms.

He only smiles as a response, nodding to his friend. “Thank you.”

Just as he’s about to ascend the last set of stairs to their rooms, Lestat catches his arm.

~Lottie~

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Natalie asks, holding Lottie’s arm as the others enter the school with excitement. The night is cold, they both feel it. Natalie’s already shivering. “You scared us a little earlier.”

Lottie nods: “Yeah…I think I’m just tired.” She is still confused about earlier. What had she heard? Was it just her imagination? Was she hearing things now? Or was it just the drink?

Natalie doesn’t seem all that convinced but let’s that excuse slide as they walk up to the school.

The gymnasium is fully decorated for homecoming. Music is blaring out of speakers and Lottie can already see Tai and Van on the dance floor, which makes her smile a little. Natalie getting herself a drink, Jackie and Shauna dancing with the others. All the while, Lottie stands against the wall – a drink in her hand and tapping her foot to the beat of the music. She enjoys it more suddenly. Feels it. Still, she cannot shake that weird feeling from before: that dazed, confused feeling.

She doesn’t feel like herself. Like something new entirely. Or something old, dead within her making its way to the surface of her mind. Either way, it wasn’t good. Either way, it almost frightened her. There was part of it, however, that fascinated Lottie. She was drawn to…whatever it was. It felt like part of her. The lingering darkness.

Jackie came up to her and pulled her to the centre of the floor to dance with her and the other girls. Setting aside her drink, Lottie let herself be distracted by her friends for a while and simply enjoy homecoming. At some point – she didn’t know when – Natalie joined in, throwing her arms around Lottie’s neck. By the end of the night, she’d almost forgotten the phantom violinist completely.

~Nicolas~

“Poetry,” Lestat said at his words. “We’re both tired.”

“No, it’s true.” Nicki said. “You have a light in you that’s almost blinding. But in me there’s only darkness. Sometimes I think it’s like the darkness that infected you that night in the inn when you began to cry and to tremble. You were so helpless, so unprepared for it. I try to keep the darkness from you because I need your light. I need it desperately, but you don’t need the darkness.”

“You’re the mad one,” Lestat responded. “If you could see yourself, hear your own voice, your music – which of course you play for yourself – you wouldn’t see darkness, Nicki. You’d see an illumination that is all your own. Somber, yes, but light and beauty come together in you in a thousand different patterns.”

~Lottie~

She hears those words in her head as clear as a memory; walking out of the gymnasium and into the hallway for a break from all the dancing and celebration. Lottie feels as if it were her voice, speaking to someone she knows. But it wasn’t It was a separate pair of voices entirely. That doesn’t t sit right with her. Lottie’s more confused now, more fearful. She hears someone behind her, another pair of footsteps. Fast. Almost running. A hand on her shoulder.

Lottie winces only to see Shauna when she turns around. “You okay?” Shauna asks. “You just disappeared.”

Lottie nods: “I needed a break from all the dancing.” Her tone more relaxed now: “It’s really hot in there.”

“Fair enough,” Shauna gives her a soft smile. “Is that the only reason you’re out here, Lottie?”

By the look on her face, Lottie can tell that she knows somethings wrong. Still, she dismisses it. “Yes, the heat made me a little lightheaded. I feel so much better now.”

Shauna gestures to the door. “We should go back.” She says and Lottie agrees. Enough weirdness for one night.

Chapter Text

~Lottie~

“How have you been, Miss Matthews?” Her therapist asks – crossing her legs - a week or so after homecoming, she always started out with formalities such as these at the beginning of each session before easing into using Lottie’s first name more frequently. Lottie doesn’t know why, she just did. Perhaps her father had insisted on it, perhaps not. When she doesn’t answer, the therapist repeats. “Lottie?”

Her gaze snaps from the wall to her therapist. “Fine, Doctor.”

“You seemed distracted. Anything you’d like to discuss?”

Lottie considers this for a moment; she’d never lied to this woman before, why start now? “I’ve been hearing things…”

“It’s a common hallucination with your condition.” She replies. “Have you been taking the medication?”

“Yes…” Lottie hesitates. “But the pills haven’t helped.”

Her therapist nods: “Any other symptoms I should be aware of?”

Lottie stares back at her. Should she tell her about the memories? They’re not really memories; another hallucination. Or the phantom violinist? “No.”

The Doctor sighs, content with that answer. “I’d recommend getting some rest, it’s most likely stress that’s been triggering this. You’ve recently won nationals with your soccer team, haven’t you?”

Lottie nods and smiles a little, proud of it. “Yes.”

“That’s quite the achievement, Miss Matthews.” Switching back to formal terms. “You’ve made good progress today. I’ll see you next week.”

They always say that: you made good progress. Is that actually true? Lottie wonders as she leaves the room. She supposes it might be; if she were telling the truth. She didn’t understand why she lied so suddenly. It was the first thought which came to mind. An impulse. Like she didn’t want the doctor to know. Or something didn’t. Someone. That thought sends a chill down her spine.

Lottie sees Natalie in the parking lot and a smile appears on her face in an instant. “What are you doing here?”
“I wanted to see you.” The Blonde replies, her blue eyes bright.

The next thing she knows: she’s up against the wall of the clinic, Natalie’s hand up her shirt and her lips on hers. Their kisses are short and sweet – considering both know they don’t have much time. Yet each time their lips collide would be just as passionate if they had all the time in the world. “Nat…” Lottie gasps like she was about to say something more but was contently quiet instead as she finds Natalie’s lips on her neck. Nat’s lips are soft, like feathers brushing against her skin. Still, the kisses she trails up Lottie’s neck were firm – almost harsh at one point.

“Lottie?”

“Oh shit!” Her eyes widen at the sound of her father’s voice in the not-so-far-away distance. Natalie must’ve heard it too because she’d already taken a step back, fixing her clothes. Lottie does the same – praying her Dad wouldn’t notice any difference about her. That being said, her father never really paid that much attention to details such as her slightly smudged lipstick.

“What’s your fucking Dad doing here?” Natalie asks when they both look somewhat presentable.

“I have absolutely no idea.” Lottie replies. They both walk back around to the front of the clinic to see her dad’s white BMW sitting a few feet away. Mr. Matthews himself leant against the driver’s side door wearing a suit and staring at his work phone. He only looks up when Lottie greets him quietly with: “Hey, Dad.”

“Hey, Lot.” He says back before his eyes find Natalie – who is standing rather awkwardly just behind Lottie – “Miss Scatorccio.”

“Sir.” Natalie nods. “I’ll see you later, Lottie.” She says, beginning to walk away.

“Bye.” Lottie says in a soft voice. When Natalie is gone, she turns back to her father. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

Her father smiles a little, which she didn’t see often. “I’m on my break. I thought I’d pick you up.”

Her eyes widen. “Thanks.”

They don’t speak much on the way home – he only asks Lottie how the appointment went and some more small talk. Her eyes are fixed out of the window for most of the drive anyway – the sky is already getting darker as they spoke. She’s not paying attention to the scenery when she sees a wolf run out in front of them.

~Nicolas~

They’d spoken for hours, he and Lestat, in that tiny room at the inn. Nicki had told him all about Paris and Lestat had spoken of how he killed the wolves – eight of them there were, eight of them killed. It was incredible to him. “Someday, will you let me come to talk to you and tell me how you killed them all?” He’d asked when they’d met before. “Only the impossible can do the impossible.”

He was drunk, he knew that much. Nicki was staring at Lestat, how utterly beautiful he was - blue eyes bright. The next thing he knew, he had his arm around Lestat’s neck and kissed him. Kissed the marquis’ son! If someone had told him that morning that he would kiss Lestat de Lioncourt, Nicki would’ve laughed in their face. Still, he did it. He did it and blamed it on the drink after.

“My lord, the wolfkiller.” He whispered.

~Lottie~

“Stop!” She yells in panic, seeing the wolf. The BMW swerved out of the way, almost crashing. Lottie being thrown forward in her seat – if she weren’t strapped in, she probably would have gone through the windscreen. Looking back, she saw no wolf.

It wasn’t there.

“Fucking hell, Lottie!” Her father shouts, putting the handbrake on. He looks as bewildered as she. Maybe he’d seen it too. “What’s gotten into you?!”

“There was a wolf.” Lottie responds breathlessly. “There was a wolf.”

“There are no wolves in New Jersey!” Her Dad said loudly, getting them back on the road. “I swear to God one day you’re going to get yourself killed.” His words sting more than he must’ve intended. Lottie knows that there’s a chance he’s right, but that doesn’t mean it hurt any less to hear him say it.

~

“A wolf?” Natalie sounds just as confused as Lottie feels over the phone. “You saw a fucking wolf?”

“I know it sounds weird.” Lottie tells her. “But…I just needed someone to talk to Nat.”

“Okay.” Natalie sighs. “Tell me about this wolf then.”

Lottie smiled and sat on the edge of her bed. Natalie knows the things she was seeing are as a result of her schizophrenia – she’s the only one on the team who even knows she has it – but never dismissed them or invalidated them like her father did. And God, Lottie loves her for it! She loves Natalie. Yes, she loves her.

“It was huge, grey fur, it ran out directly in front of my Dad’s car.” Lottie says, describing the whole situation. “We nearly crashed, Nat, but it wasn’t even there.”

Natalie is clearly thinking of something to say because she’s gone quiet “You’ve been taking your meds right?" She says at last.

“Yeah… but they haven’t helped in the past few weeks.” Lottie admits.

Natalie hesitates to answer again. “You’ve seen other weird shit then?”

“Yes.” She says. “Well…more like hearing things.”

“Like the violin at homecoming?”

“Exactly,” Lottie knows she probably should have spoken to Natalie about her phantom violinist when it happened, but she didn’t want to make homecoming weird for everyone. “I’ve been hearing full blown conversations in my head too.”

“That’s crazy, Lot.” Natalie says softly. “You sure it’s just because of the schizophrenia?”

She shrugs. “Only time will tell.” Lottie turns to hear her mother call her name from downstairs. “I’ve got to go, bye.”

“Bye.” Says Natalie before she ends the call.
~
Dinner is quiet, neither one of her parents try to make much conversation – they never do. It’s already 9pm and Lottie feels like its droning on forever.

“Are we going to discuss what happened today?” Her Dad says at last.

Lottie looks up at him. “It’s just my schizophrenia, Dad, I’ll ask Dr. Karnstein to up my meds and it’ll be fine.”

Her father doesn’t look impressed. “We could’ve crashed, Lot.”

“I know.” Lottie stares back down at her food which she’s barely touched. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Her Mother tells her. “But if something like this happens again or if the medication still isn’t working, we might have to have you admitted.”

That scares her, being separated from her friends, Natalie, for months or even years on end. But Lottie understood her parents’ reasoning, she didn’t want to risk another instance like earlier with the wolf. The conversation is fairly light from then on so she allowed herself to fall into her own head and zone out.

Chapter Text

~Nicolas~

He thought he’d heard screaming in the night when he woke up, like a dream of sorts. It was troubling for Nicki to think about as he attempted to wake himself up, stuck in the space between being asleep and awake. He laid on his side, his arm stretched out – seeking Lestat’s warmth but finding only the bed they slept in. Lestat?

“Lestat?” Panicked, Nicki called his name out loud now. In the first sunlight of dawn, he could see no sign of Lestat as his eyes searched the room in concern before standing up and looking further. Please be here. Do not hide yourself from me. He hoped Lestat would make himself known, that this was all just a cruel joke. Though Lestat was never really cruel to him and the more Nicki searches the rooms the more scared he becomes. Please. Please, Lestat.

He found himself crying, there was an ache in his chest. His heart. Lestat leaving him in the dead of night was the only reasonable conclusion Nicki could come to. He supposed it was bound to happen at some point or another: that Lestat would grow tired of him and his troubles and abandon him. Only thinking about it was easier than living it.

Lestat is gone. Nicki tells himself as more tears fall from his dark eyes. He’s gone. He left.

He tells himself this over and over but it still ceases to feel real. Still, tears come with no sign of stopping and Nicolas positions himself by the window in defeat. He wants to curl in on himself. He wants to feel anything – anything at all – save for this dreadful sorrow. His aching heart for a man who will most likely never return. Lestat, who had such a light in him which Nicki needed desperately to save him from the darkness that had swallowed him whole. Though Lestat did not need that darkness. He was so helpless towards it and it had driven him away. Nicki had driven him away. This was all his fault.

Lestat was gone. And it was all his fault.

~Lottie~

Lottie wakes up crying, but she doesn’t remember being directly sad about anything. There’s a dull ache in her chest, like she’s missing a part of herself. Someone is gone. She doesn’t know who it is but their gone and it hurts.

Lottie pulls herself out of bed, dismissing the unknown sorrow as much as she can. She has no explanation for it, no answer. Perhaps it was the possibility of being separated from Natalie, who was part of her at this point. She doesn’t think there could be one of them without the other. The numbness and despair persists all morning. After she takes her medication (which does nothing in the way of help) she simply falls back into bed and stares at the ceiling, her alarm clock reads: 2:34 AM, so she has all the time in the world before school. Or at the very least that’s what it feels like.

Maybe you’re just depressed. She tells herself. That wouldn’t be anything new. Lottie would occasionally have bouts of depression, which she was told was a common symptom of her condition. They would come and go and don’t usually bother her. Nothing like this, what she’s feeling now. It seems maddening, almost. Why didn’t her meds work? Is it just getting worse?

Everything will be fine. Lottie thinks; promises herself. Everything will be fine. No one has to know.

However, something tells her that things won’t be. That’s the last thing she thinks before she falls asleep again.

~Nicolas~

He woke up to a narrow alleyway a few streets away from Renaud’s – by a tavern he’d attempted to drown his sorrows in the night before. Nicki had been on the search for Lestat for weeks now, looking everywhere for the Wolfkiller, all of Paris if he could! Recently though, he’d taken to simply walking the streets and calling for Lestat aimlessly. Much to the annoyance of other pedestrians.

Nicki acknowledged an empty bottle of wine beside him and the god awful smell of vomit. He groaned. His life was a mess and no mistake!

With Lestat gone, there were no distractions from the horrors of Nicki’s life, the darkness that tormented him daily, the terrible thoughts he’d been having as of late. Lestat was who he needed, what he needed – not drink and not to be lying in an alleyway. The only person that Nicolas knew he really loved, whether he liked it or not. Sin and all.

He knew Lestat to be alive, wherever he was, but maybe it would have been easier if he was dead. No, it was simply the not knowing that drove Nicki half-mad! He’d searched for days and nights now. The more he did, the more depressed he became. Some mornings he could hardly conjure up the will to get out bed; a complete nightmare.

“You look terrible, monsieur.” A voice tore him from this train of thought. Looking up, Nicolas saw a young man – probably around his age – finely dressed, a lawyer or solicitor of sorts. Nicki didn’t recognise him.

“Who are you?” He asked this man in a tired voice.

The man helped him up. “Pierre Roget, Monsieur. You are Nicolas de Lenfent, yes?”

“Yes, are you an associate of Lestat’s?” Please say yes.

Roget nods. “I am. I handle his finances and the like.” He pauses. “We should discuss this in a place more private, don’t you think?”

~Lottie~

“Charlotte? Are you listening?” The voice of Mrs. Mendez pulls Lottie from the half-asleep, almost catatonic state she’s in at the back of her maths classroom. Hearing her full first name was rather alien to her. Most teachers and some family friends called her ‘Charlotte’, everyone else just called her ‘Lottie’.

“Yeah…” Lottie nodded quickly.

Mrs. Mendez raises her eyebrows but accepts that answer, continuing on with the lesson. Natalie, who’s sitting at the desk beside her, gives Lottie a concerned look. “You okay?”

“I just slept roughly last night.” Lottie assures her in a hushed tone. “It’s nothing.”

“You’ve been distant all day, don’t think I don’t know when something’s wrong.” Nat says.

She smiles as well as she can in her current state. “I’m telling you I’m fine.”

“Okay,” Natalie sighs though Lottie knows that she doesn’t believe a word of it. “Can you meet me after training tonight? We need to talk.”

Lottie feels suddenly sober to reality, out of the numb, dissociating state she’s been in all day. When Nat says anything to the effect of ‘we need to talk’, it’s never good.

~

The rest of the day passes as a blur for Lottie; a dream. Even training, which she always enjoys. The adrenaline of running about the pitch. But not today. Her mind would not allow it.

She finds Nat outside the locker rooms afterwards. Lottie’s wearing Natalie’s maroon leather jacket, Nat raises an eyebrow when she sees it – “You’re stealing my clothes now?” She says with a smile.

Lottie gives a brief laugh, it feels almost fake. “Looks better on me anyway, black is more your colour.”

Natalie makes sure no one is around when she kisses Lottie on the cheek. “I have something to tell you.” The blonde says in a more serious tone.

Her brows furrow a little, “Oh…"

Natalie sighs: “I’ve gotta go to Naples, wherever that is – somewhere in Italy.” She pauses. “I’ve got family there, distant family, which my Mom wants me to meet. For whatever reason. I’ll be gone for a few weeks – nearly a month.”

“That’s a long time…” Lottie replies, trying to hide how hurt she is though she wouldn’t be normally. “Why in the term?”

“I don’t know.” Natalie admits. “But I’m not overly thrilled about missing training sessions, and missing you.”

Lottie smiles ruefully, “I’ll miss you too.”

Natalie pulls her into a firm embrace. “I’m leaving in the morning, I’ll tell the others over the phone when I get home but I wanted to tell you in person.”

Lottie resists the urge to cry, the ache in her heart worsening, her mind going numb with despair – like she’d never see Natalie again or something. She only holds her tighter. “I love you, Nat.” She whispers against the other girl’s ear.

Natalie pulls back, her hands either side of Lottie’s shoulders. “I love you too.”

A proper goodbye if there ever was one. She thinks to herself.

~

Natalie leaves just as she said she would the next morning with Lottie and the other Yellowjackets there to bid her goodbye until her return.

“Why did she say she was in Italy again?” Mari asks.

“Family.” Lottie says. Her heart is pounding in her ears, aching with sudden, intense sorrow. Why? She’d see Natalie in a month or so. Why does it hurt so much to see her leave?

The floor seems to fall from under her.

~Nicolas~

“Monsieur de Valois has left you an apartment on the Ile St. Louis, if you’ll accept it.” Said Roget when they’d returned to the small room which Nicki was now the sole inhabitant of.

“What?” Nicki was rather shocked and almost angry. He had not heard from Lestat de Lioncourt in almost a month, now he was giving him a new apartment?! What madness was this? Then he considered what Roget was saying. “Fine.” Nicolas told him, brief bitterness in his tone. “I’ll take it.”

Roget nodded before rummaging through his coat pocket, pulling out a letter. Nicki noticed his name in Lestat’s handwriting on the envelope. “For you Monsieur.” Roget handed him the letter.

Nicki opened it and read:

My beloved, Nicki,

I have left the flat in St. Louis in your name and Roget will ensure everything goes as planned. Alongside this, I have encased in this letter some of my newfound wealth, do with it as you see fit.

I apologise for my disappearance, I had some urgent business in Naples, Italy and had not the time to say a proper farewell. I cannot stress how desperate I am to see you.

Yours,
Lestat.

“Get out.” He said to Roget in a harsh tone, trying to register what on earth he’d just read.

“Monsieur-“

“Get the fuck out!” Nicki yelled and threw the letter in the fire, the money Lestat had left fell onto the floor. Roget shut the door behind him as he left then Nicki was alone again.

I cannot stress how desperate I am to see you. “Fucking see me then.” Nicki hissed under his breath in recollection of Lestat’s words. It made no sense. The insanity of it all! Lestat had some business in Italy? Nicki didn’t believe that for a second. If you want to see me so badly Lestat, come find me you bastard! I’m right here! He thought furiously like Lestat would hear him.

Then he started to laugh, like Lestat once did at the inn– with no sign of stopping. He laughed and laughed and laughed. Someone ripped his heart out of chest and sliced it in half, it felt like. Nicki found it hilarious the madness of the situation; and he was going mad. He was losing it. Going off the deep end. Just laughed and kept laughing.

The scream tore through him like a manic prayer to a god who would not hear. Perhaps Lestat was that God.

Nicki laughed until he screamed, until he wrote the words ‘Fuck you Lestat’ in his own blood on the chards remains of the envelope.

Then he felt the world go pitch black around him.