Chapter Text
Believe it or not, you spend most of your life dodging bullets like an action flick. They whizz by, threatening to cut you down, grazing your skin, leaving gaping holes where they had hit, drawing blood. We persevere despite the pain, and with time the wounds heal over. But they leave little marks behind. Something for us to always remember, leaving us looking like a Swiss cheese or… a sponge.
This Sponge has been hit by the mother of all bullets, a cruise missile locked-on, exploding just when the last hole had begun to heal. This wound could very well be fatal if he lacks enough strength.
Of course, all of this is a hackneyed metaphor for grieving, bad experiences, and the like. I didn’t put much thought into it. Regardless, we’re left with a tragedy. Literally in SpongeBob’s case, and figuratively in the case of my writing prowess.
Fade In - TITLE CARD: Breaking News
Rising Bubble Transition to - INTERIOR - SpongeBob’s Bedroom - EARLY MORNING
Orange hues pour in through the window, illuminating the room and deepening the remaining shadows. The clock ticks away silently. SpongeBob is nowhere to be seen, but Gary sleeps soundly on his newspaper.
The camera fades between shots of SpongeBob’s house. First the library, a place you expect to be quiet, but it still feels eerie all the same. Then the living room, then the kitchen with the soft drone of the fridge’s cooling system running, then finally…
Fade to - Wide Shot - EXTERIOR - SpongeBob’s House
SpongeBob stands staring next to his boat to the side of the house as the camera zooms in on him. All that can be heard is the bloop bloop of bubbles rising from the seabed, like the sound of a fish tank.
SpongeBob speaks to himself.
SpongeBob: “It was a dream… It has to be.”
SpongeBob walks around his boat, inspecting it.
SpongeBob: “There isn’t even a dent in it. No marks, no scuffs, no… *gulp* blood…”
SpongeBob leans over to check under the boat.
Cut to - Medium Shot from Under Boat - SpongeBob leans into view.
Cut to - POV - Underneath boat
There is a dent on the underside by the front left wheel.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob quickly stands back up straight.
A bead of sweat drips from his forehead and his eyes are wide.
SpongeBob: “That-That was just from that pothole I hit, that’s all… Made me drop my CD. Yeah. That’s right! Stupid pothole…”
SpongeBob rubs the back of his head.
SpongeBob: “Gee, Mom and Dad are gonna be so mad that I scuffed up my brand new boat mobile already!”
SpongeBob forces a giggle.
SpongeBob: “I guess I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it… I just have to head back inside and get ready for work in two hours. I’ll forget all about that awful dream.”
SpongeBob backs away from the boat, then runs back inside, slamming the door shut.
Cut to - Medium Shot - INTERIOR - SpongeBob’s Shower
SpongeBob keeps his eyes to the shower floor looking forlorn as water pours down onto him, head lowered. He increases in size as the water hits him.
SpongeBob (Whispering): “I’m… I’m ready…”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob with heavy bags under his eyes, overinflated, stepping out of the shower.
He squeezes both sides of his head with his hands, spraying the absorbed water all over the place. He walks right, off screen.
Cut to - Close Up - Dark Mirror
SpongeBob’s bathroom mirror is shadowed, the reflection difficult to make out. SpongeBob is fully dressed and fades into view of the reflection as he approaches the mirror. His face is half shadowed. He stares into his reflection as if he doesn’t recognize himself. He lifts one hand and drags it gently across his face as if to confirm he’s still real. He takes a deep breath through his nose, and out his mouth.
Cut to - Wide Shot - Kitchen
SpongeBob is digging around in his cabinets, continuing his “I’m ready” mantra to himself in a hushed tone.
He takes out a can of Snail-Po to feed Gary. He cracks it open and plops the contents into Gary’s bowl.
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob
SpongeBob: “I’m ready…”
SpongeBob looks to his side.
SpongeBob: “How about you, Gary? Are you ready?”
Cut to - Wide Shot - SpongeBob looking around his kitchen
SpongeBob: “Gary?”
There is a brief moment of silence.
SpongeBob: “I guess he’s not up yet…”
More than likely Gary is passed out from eating couch stuffing again.
SpongeBob turns back to his cabinets and takes out a box of Kelpo cereal.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob at the table pouring his cereal.
He dumps a decent amount in and sets the box down, picking up his spoon and shoveling mouthfuls in as he rests his head on his other hand. As he chews, he glances at the cereal box.
Cut to - Close Up - PAINTING - Kelpo Box
The camera focuses on the mascot for a few seconds, when suddenly it seems to blink.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob
He pauses eating his cereal, having noticed the blink.
SpongeBob: “Huh?”
He rubs his eyes.
Cut to - Close Up - Cereal Box
The name of the cereal has changed to a full sentence: “I know what you did!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob yells and picks up the box, throwing it against a wall.
Cut to - Medium Shot - Low Angle - SpongeBob stands in place for a moment in fear before shakily walking up to the box.
He reaches a hand out, trembling and sweating. He grabs the box and cautiously lifts it to see the front again.
Cut to - Close Up - Cereal Box
The box is normal again. It simply says “Kelpo” and “Prize in Every Box!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob breathes a sigh of relief as he picks the box back up to put it away.
SpongeBob: “Must be some bad leftovers from that nightmare. I just need to get out of this funk. That’s all…”
SpongeBob walks back to his cereal. He takes one more bite, then looks at his wristwatch. I’ve never seen him wear that before but I guess he’s got one.
SpongeBob: “On second thought, I should get going to work.”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob peeking out of his doorway.
SpongeBob steps outside and gently closes his door. He looks at his boat, then away. He takes a deep breath.
SpongeBob: “I’m ready.”
SpongeBob starts walking to work.
The camera follows SpongeBob as he continues.
SpongeBob: “I’m ready. It was a bad dream but I’m ready. That’s right. I’m ready. I AM ready.”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Front View - SpongeBob walking
SpongeBob: “I’m… ready!”
He forces a smile, but his eyes give away his distress.
SpongeBob: “I’m ready! I’m READY!”
SpongeBob starts to walk with a little more pep in his step.
SpongeBob: “I’m ready! I’m ready! YEAH! I’m ready!”
SpongeBob’s smile appears to become more genuine, his body language becoming less stiff.
SpongeBob: “I am ready! I AM ready!”
SpongeBob almost begins to sound like himself again. He picks up his pace even more, almost going into a full run.
SpongeBob: “I’m ready! I’m ready! IIIIIIIIII’MMM RRREEAAADDDYYYYYY!”
Cut to - Wide Shot - SpongeBob jogging over the horizon, still repeating that he’s ready, but sounding more chipper than ever.
Rising Bubble Transition to - Wide Shot - INTERIOR - BBN Break Room
Perch Perkins sits alone at a table attempting to call somebody on his shell phone. He looks depressed.
Perch (Antsy): “Come on, come on, pick up…”
The call goes to voicemail.
Voicemail (Squilliam’s Voice): “You’ve reached the abode of the esteemed Squilliam Fancyson, but I appear to be away! Leave your message and I may take precious time out of my day to respond!”
Perch (Apologetic): “Squilly? I know you’re there. Come on! I stopped by your house this morning. I know you’re home! Come on man, please. Just… I’m sorry… Please, pick up… I can’t lose you too.”
Perch goes on to press more buttons on his phone when Gale Doppler storms into the room. His hair is ruffled and he grumbles to himself unintelligibly.
Perch watches as Gale throws open a cabinet underneath the break room sink and pull out a trash bag. He opens the fridge and begins shoveling lunch bags and zip-locked sandwiches with various names on them into the bag. Perch raises an eyebrow.
Perch: “Uh, Gale?”
Gale freezes up and turns around, apparently having not noticed Perch before.
Gale: “Perch?”
Gale slicks back his hair in an attempt to play it cool.
Gale: “How’s uh, how’s it going?”
Perch: “Good… What’s up?”
Gale (Angry): “What’s UP? Perch, you’re not going to believe this. They’re putting me on leave AGAIN!”
Gale’s hair falls out of place again.
Perch: “What? You just got back!”
Gale: “I know! Two whole weeks WITHOUT PAY! And they’re replacing me in the meantime with Rube Goldfish of all sea folk! Can you believe that?! RUBE! They wanna see how the ‘people’ like him on the weather!”
Perch (Disbelief): “Rube Goldfish? He’s not even good!”
Gale: “I KNOW! It’s not fair! He doesn’t even have a meteorologist degree, and I’ve paid my debt to society already! The people love me! See?”
Gale takes out a photo from his suit pocket. It’s the photo of him and SpongeBob from Goofy Goober’s.
Perch: “Hey, thats SpongeBob! You know him? He and I went to Kamp Koral together.”
Gale (Shoves the photo back into his suit and starts shoveling more lunches into his trash bag): “Never heard of it. But anyway, I don’t have to stick around here and take the studio’s transgressions against my good name! They want me to stand around, look pretty, and keep my mouth shut whenever they throw me aside! I’ll show them! They want me gone? I’m gone! I’m gonna go meet up with a guy at the Nut Bar!”
Perch: “You’re going to a bar at 11 AM?”
Gale: “Yep.”
Gale slams the fridge shut and heaves the trash bag over his shoulder.
Gale: “This studio won’t hold me down!”
Perch: “If you say so… Wait, are you quitting?”
Gale: “I never quit Perch! This is just another bump in the road. I’m gonna show everyone what I’m really made of when I get back!”
Gale walks back to the door and kicks it open.
Gale: “It’s the year of the Doppler, baby! You’ll see!”
Gale walks out and the door slams shut.
Cut to - Close Up - Perch turning his attention back to his shell phone
Perch attempts once more to call Squilliam. The phone rings once, then a robotic voice chimes in.
Operator: “The Number you have dialed is not available-“
Perch (Incredulous): “Blocked?! You can’t be serious!”
Perch growls and lays his head in his fins, defeated.
Cut to - Wide Shot - Fred walks into the room
Fred: “Perch? The boss wants you on set in five! There’s a big story coming up.”
Perch (Depressed): “Whatever…”
Perch stands up and walks away, head hung low. Fred watches as he leaves, then turns to the fridge. He cracks it open and rubs his chin.
Fred: “Hey, where’s my potato salad?”
Rising Bubble Transition to - Medium Shot - INTERIOR - Krusty Krab kitchen, grill and window in view.
SpongeBob hums to himself as he flips patties and whispers “I’m ready! Yep! I’m ready!” to himself.
Octavius pokes his head through the window.
Octavius: “That order for table 4 almost ready, SpongeBob?”
SpongeBob: “Coming right up! I’ll have it ready be-FOUR you know it!”
SpongeBob laughs and Octavius smiles.
Octavius: “Sounds good! You know, I’ve got all day, but I don’t think this guy can wait!”
Octavius laughs. It’s awfully similar to Squidward’s laugh.
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob’s face
SpongeBob continues smiling wide as Octavius laughs, but his eye twitches.
SpongeBob: “So, heh, who ordered this one?”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Octavius in the window
Octavius: “Oh some blue fish! Big dorsal fin, red spots on the back of his head, sharp teeth. Really short shorts… He’s a bit of a jerk.”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob and Octavius
SpongeBob gasps.
SpongeBob (Concerned): “Octavius! You shouldn’t talk about the customer like that! Chapter 4, subsection 12 of the employee handbook. ‘Never bad mouth the customer’!”
Octavius (Bashful): “Ohhh, ha, don’t tell the boss but I kinda haven’t read all the way through that yet!”
SpongeBob (Shaking head): “Careful Mr. Krabs doesn’t catch you breaking any more of those rules! You really should finish that book!”
Octavius: “You’re right! I will soon!”
SpongeBob quickly puts together a patty, dips it in the fry vat, and pulls it out completely fried in seconds before shoving a stick through it. He places it on a plate.
SpongeBob: “I’ll bring this one out. It’s getting a little stuffy in here!”
Octavius: “Sure thing, Sponge!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob walking out of the kitchen
SpongeBob starts walking and passes by a customer in the middle of an order. Incidental 1D AKA Troutenheimer. He squints at the menu, then turns to SpongeBob as he walks by and taps his shoulder.
Troutenheimer: “Excuse me.”
SpongeBob: “Yes, dearest Customer?”
Troutenheimer: “Do you have any recommendations?”
SpongeBob: “Oh sure! Let’s see, I’d go for…”
SpongeBob looks up at the menu.
Cut to - PAINTING - Krusty Krab menu
Every single item is listed as “Confess” with their prices all being “Free”.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob looking stunned
Troutenheimer taps his shoulder again.
Troutenheimer: “Are you alright?”
SpongeBob blinks and looks at Troutenheimer then back at the menu. It’s back to normal.
SpongeBob turns away.
SpongeBob (Rushing): “The triple bossy deluxe with coral bits. That’s a good one.”
SpongeBob forces a toothy smile and a laugh and walks away.
Troutenheimer looks back up at the menu. He smiles and looks down at Octavius: “I’ll take a plain Krabby Patty!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob walking up to Harold with his order.
SpongeBob sets the tray on the table but Harold looks at it with an irritable expression.
Harold: “Where’s my mayo?”
SpongeBob: “My bad! Let me grab that for ya!”
SpongeBob walks off screen and immediately back already holding a bottle of mayo. As he comes back into frame, a commercial starts up on the TV above Harold.
Cut to - Close Up - TV
A fish sits in a boat and talks at a camera. He’s obviously in front of a green screen with sirens blaring in the background.
Fish: “Aw crud, the cops are after me! I’m in real trouble now! I better call Birch!”
Voice: “You’re gonna call who?”
A yellow fish pops in from the bottom of the screen. He is dressed like a cowboy, wearing a tweed tan suit and fancy cowboy hat. He has black hair and a small goatee. I swear I feel like I’ve seen this guy somewhere.
Fish on TV: “Birch Birkins, that’s who! Attorney at law!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Incidental 45 (Judy) at a table behind Harold speaking
Judy: “This commercial’s been everywhere lately!”
Cut to - Commerical - Birch speaks as several different subtitles appear at the bottom, one in English saying “Attorney at law! Free consultation!” while the other is in the Rock Bottom font saying the same thing, and the last just saying “Meep! Meep!”
Birch: “I offer my services anywhere from Bikini Bottom, to Ukulele Bottom, to Rock Bottom! AND I speak fluent Anchovy and Rock Bottomese!”
The shot of Birch is pushed aside by another shot of Birch wearing bandages and holding a steering wheel.
Birch: “Been in an accident?”
The shot is pushed again by a shot of Birch in an alleyway.
Birch: “Ex-wife taking you to the cleaners with all that ALIMONY?”
Birch pulls both his pants pockets inside out. They’re empty.
Birch (Giggling): “I know how that is!”
The screen is pushed once more by a shot of Birch in front of a blank blue background. He holds up a knife with a playfully evil grin.
Birch: “Or maybe you been a victim of a violent crime?”
A scream sound effect plays.
Birch: “Or maybe you committed a violent crime with good reason!”
He throws the prop knife off screen.
Birch (Pointing at Camera): “Either way, I fight for YOU undersea folk!”
A phone number flashes on screen.
Birch: “Call now and get the best dang legal defense or prosecution this side of the ocean! Don’t worry, even if you’re a criminal, I’ll be right there to defend ya! That is unless… you’re a cold blooded murderer… Ain’t that right, SpongeBob?”
SpongeBob gasps.
Birch presses his face against the screen as if it were a window.
Birch: “You’d know all about murder! You may as well confess... the price is FREE after all.”
Birch begins banging on the screen.
Birch: “You hear me?! The price is FREE! THE PRICE IS FREE!
Birch laughs maniacally then suddenly stares with a hatefully cold expression.
Birch: “May Neptune have mercy on your soul!”
Birch spits to his side in disgust.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob and Harold
SpongeBob screams, squeezing the mayo bottle and drenching Harold’s face in it. Harold licks all of it off of his face in one go before grabbing SpongeBob’s shirt collar.
Harold (Holding up a fist): “What is your problem, man?! Do I need to teach you a lesson?!”
Before anything can happen, the Bikini Bottom News jingle plays. Perch can be heard.
Perch: “We interrupt this potential butt-whooping for some breaking news! Hit & Run in Bikini Bottom!”
SpongeBob’s facial features shatter and fall off as if they were glass.
Harold lets go of SpongeBob, dropping him to the ground.
Harold (Smiling): “Oh, this sounds juicy!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Perch Perkins at the news desk.
Perch: “Early this morning, a body was discovered at the intersection of Conch and Coral!”
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob sitting up and sweating profusely
SpongeBob (Whispering): “No…”
Incidentals begin to gather around the television and SpongeBob.
Cut back to - Perch on the news
Perch: “We go live to an urgent press conference by police chief Al Gristlepuss for a statement on the matter.”
In the top right corner of the screen a shot of the police conference is shown. It expands, filling the whole screen.
Al: “The body was discovered around 3:00 AM. It seems clear by the condition of the body that the victim was killed on impact by a motor vehicle, however further examinations are in progress.”
Male Reporter offscreen: “Chief Gristlepuss, do you have any leads on the perpetrator of this crime?”
Al: “We do not have any leads at the moment. But further investigations are in progress.”
Female Reporter offscreen: “Could this incident be connected to the Bikini Bottom Psycho murders?”
Al: “We have no reason to suspect that at this time, as we are not sure if the victim was strangled. This is most likely an unrelated hit & run incident. That is all we have to report at this time. Thank you.”
Chief Al walks away from the podium with several reporters asking questions at once.
The shot shrinks back to the top right corner of the screen, next to Perch.
Perch is listening to his earpiece.
Perch: “Uh-huh? Oh!”
Perch looks towards the camera.
Perch: “This just in, an officer on the scene has just informed us that an ID has been located on the body!
Perch is handed a paper to read from an intern.
Perch: “According to this exclusive information gathered by our team, the victim’s identity is none other than Paula-“
Perch falls silent, eyes scanning the paper. He looks off screen.
Perch: “This… This is a joke right?”
His eyes turn back to the paper.
Perch: “Paula… Pollock…”
In the top right of the screen a picture is shown of the victim. A blonde fish woman. She actually kinda looks a lot like a fish version of Rhea Seehorn.
Perch looks up and sees the picture.
Perch begins to breathe heavier, droplets of sweat dripping down the side of his face.
Perch: “That-That’s my wife! I mean, that’s my EX-WIFE!”
An anchovy intern lays a comforting hand on Perch’s shoulder, but he pushes it away.
Perch: “No, no! Don’t touch me! This has to be a joke!”
Perch stands up, clearly panicking, slamming his fins on the news desk.
Perch: “I have to see her! Let me talk to her!”
Perch storms away from the desk, pushing another intern aside.
Perch: “This isn’t right! I just talked to her! Everyone, get out of my way! OUT OF MY WAY!”
Perch walks off camera, a commotion is heard and the camera tips over. Fred can be heard.
Fred: “My leg!”
The camera cuts to a Technical Difficulties placeholder. It depicts a fish tangled up in film, shrugging with a cheeky smile.
Cut to - Wide Shot - Krusty Krab main floor - Everyone stunned, all staring up at the screen.
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob on the ground
SpongeBob’s hand lays in some ketchup on the floor. He tears up, shaking his head.
SpongeBob: “No! No no no! It can’t be!”
SpongeBob looks at his hand.
Cut to - PAINTING - SpongeBob’s ketchup covered hand. It resembles dripping blood.
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob
SpongeBob screams with despair as he jumps up.
SpongeBob: “I’M SORRY!”
SpongeBob wails and cries, running out of the Krusty Krab as people stare at him.
Rising Bubble Transition to - Wide Shot - Conch Street - MID-DAY - Zooming in on SpongeBob’s house
SpongeBob’s voice can be heard struggling alongside scrubbing noises.
Fade to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob at his kitchen sink
SpongeBob furiously scrubs his hands in soapy water, overflowing with bubbles.
SpongeBob: “Come on, Come on!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob front view
SpongeBob lifts his hands out of the bubbles. They’re still drenched in ketchup.
SpongeBob: “Why! Why won’t it come off?!”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Behind SpongeBob
Gary crawls into view and meows at SpongeBob, startling him. He turns to face Gary.
SpongeBob: “Gary! Don’t sneak up on me like that, buddy!”
SpongeBob looks at his hands. The ketchup is gone.
SpongeBob: “Huh?”
Gary: “Meow?”
SpongeBob: “Nothing. It’s nothing, Gary. I’m just… still really broken up about Squidward, that’s all!”
SpongeBob walks away from Gary nervously.
Cut to - Close Up - SpongeBob talking to himself as he walks into his living room
SpongeBob (Hushed): “I really need to talk to someone about this. I’m going to lose my marbles… But who? I can’t trust Patrick to keep a secret. Mr. Krabs would just sell me out. I couldn’t bear to tell my parents…”
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob approaching a picture frame on the wall
The picture is of him and Sandy sparring together. He takes it from the wall and looks at it in his hands.
SpongeBob: “Sandy… She’s always so level headed. Maybe she’d know what to do?”
SpongeBob places the picture back on the wall and walks to his front door, opening it and turning around as Gary comes into frame.
SpongeBob: “Gary, I have to go back out for a while. But I swear, I’ll be back later this evening in time to feed you, okay?”
Gary (Looking Worried): “Meow?”
SpongeBob: “I’m fine. I just need some air. See you later, Gare Bear…”
SpongeBob steps out and shuts the door, his squeaky footsteps can be heard walking, then quickly running away.
Cut to - Wide Shot - SpongeBob walking towards Sandy’s tree dome.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob knocking on Sandy’s door.
There is a brief moment of silence, and SpongeBob knocks more frantically. He shifts around in place, clearly antsy. When there’s no immediate answer again, he knocks even more.
SpongeBob (Anxiously): “Come on, please be home.”
Sandy finally opens the door.
Sandy: “SpongeBob? What’s with all the hullabaloo? Are you alright?”
SpongeBob: “Sandy, I think something is really wrong with me. Can I come inside?”
Sandy (Concerned): “Of course. Come on in and sit down.”
Cut to - Medium Shot - Sandy and SpongeBob walking inside. Sandy hands him a water helmet and he puts it on.
They continue on.
Sandy: “You just sit there at the picnic table and I’ll fix you up some tea and some acorn cake I just baked.”
SpongeBob: “Thanks, Sandy.”
SpongeBob sits down at the table while Sandy walks off screen. As he waits, he can’t stop fidgeting around. Tapping his fingers on the table, looking around, shifting in his seat, and clearing his throat. Sandy comes back into frame with a tray with two slices of cake and two cups of tea for the both of them. She hands SpongeBob his cup and sits down.
Sandy: “So, what’s got you all twisted up? You look restless.”
SpongeBob: “I don’t know where to start. Ever since this morning there’s been something wrong with me.”
Sandy: “Did something happen this morning?”
SpongeBob: “I don’t know how to talk about this… I’ve never dealt with this kind of thing before…”
SpongeBob notices that there’s a portable TV to the side of the picnic table. He turns away from it.
SpongeBob: “It’s about… the news.”
Sandy looks at the TV and shakes her head.
Sandy: “Ah... You saw what happened too?”
SpongeBob: “Yeah…”
Sandy: “SpongeBob, you’ve never seen so much death before, haven’t you? After everything with Squidward and now this so soon, I’ll bet you’re feeling torn up.”
SpongeBob: “That’s part of it…”
Sandy sniffles and begins to tear up.
Sandy: “You know… I can relate.”
SpongeBob turns to Sandy.
SpongeBob (Curious): “Sandy?”
Sandy: “When I was a girl, I had this Uncle. Uncle Billy Bob. He and I were tighter than a constrictor knot. He taught me so much growing up. But just like Perch’s ex-gal, he was taken from us too soon!”
Sandy begins to sob as she speaks.
Sandy: “They found him on the road one day! *sob* Flattened by a delivery truck!”
SpongeBob: “Oh my gosh.”
Sandy: “My own uncle Billy Bob! Left on the side of the road like garbage! And it wasn’t just him. So many of my cousins and relatives have died the same way. They were just… ROADKILL to the people on the surface!” *sob*
SpongeBob: “Sandy… I’m so sorry.”
Sandy: “It’s just so horrible! To kill an innocent creature and leave ‘em like they were nothing! I hope they catch the sick monster that did that to poor Paula!”
SpongeBob winces and tears up himself.
SpongeBob: “Saaaannddyyy…”
Sandy: “SpongeBob, I want you to know that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you. I know these past few weeks have been so, so horrible... But none of this is your fault!”
SpongeBob can’t take hearing this and stands up suddenly, knocking his tea over. He heads for the door.
SpongeBob: “I’m sorry, Sandy!”
Sandy: “SpongeBob? Where are you going?”
SpongeBob: “I just… I need some fresh water!”
Sandy tries to follow, reaching out to SpongeBob.
Sandy: “SpongeBob, I know you’re hurting real bad! You don’t gotta leave.”
SpongeBob (Crying): “I’m so sorry, Sandy! I don’t think I’m ready to talk about it after all. I need to be alone!”
Sandy watches as SpongeBob steps through the door, never looking back.
Sandy: “Poor SpongeBob. He’s a sensitive soul. I hope he’ll be alright.”
TIME CARD - Later
Cut to - Wide Shot - EXTERIOR - Goofy Goober’s - EVENING
SpongeBob walks towards the front door of Goofy Goober’s and steps inside.
Cut to - Medium Shot - INTERIOR - Goofy Goober Nut Bar
SpongeBob sits in a barstool next to another fish with their head down. The bartender, a generic employee in the peanut hat uniform, stands nearby wiping a glass clean with a washcloth.
Bartender (Dull): “What’ll it be?”
SpongeBob (Sadly): “Rocky road, on the rocks.”
The Bartender lays down a bowl full of rocky road ice cream, then uses what looks to be a grinder to sprinkle even more chocolate bits on the top.
SpongeBob (Eating a spoonful): “I can’t believe how awful this day has been. It doesn’t even feel real.”
The fish with their head down speaks. It’s the voice of Perch.
Perch: “Couldn’t be worse than my day.”
Perch lifts his head, wobbling a little. He looks like a mess. He is without his suit jacket and his tie is loose. His shirt is partially unbuttoned and his hair is frizzled. The veins in his eyes have turned a deep red.
Perch: “Oh, it’s you SpongeBob.
SpongeBob gulps.
SpongeBob: “Perch! What are uh, you doing here?”
Perch: “Me? Just wallowing that’s all. Hey, that thing you’ve got there looks pretty good.”
Perch lifts his fin to call the bartender.
Perch: “Hey, waiter! I’ll have what he’s having!”
Bartender: “I think you’ve had enough.”
Perch: “I’ll tell YOU when I’ve had enough! Now make with the ice cream!”
The Bartender sighs and plops a sundae glass down in front of SpongeBob, repeating the process.
Perch: “Anyway, SpongeBob. You don’t look too good. Somebody die? Well… someone did for me.”
Perch slams his fist onto the bar counter and sobs. SpongeBob reaches to put his hand on Perch’s shoulder, but pulls it away.
Perch: “SpongeBob, it’s so horrible! I called her just the other day on what would’ve been our anniversary.”
SpongeBob: “I’m so sorry, Perch.”
Perch: “Now I have nobody. NO ONE! My best friend has me blocked. My Kamp Koral buddy Harvey is still in the Betty Flounder Center! It’s not like I’m on good terms with my family, and I couldn’t dare talk to my brother after everything I said on the Inquirer… Oh dear Neptune… Why did I say all those awful things? To my own twin brother?!”
Perch slams his fist again.
Perch (Angrily): “When I find who did this, I’ll-I’ll…”
Perch hangs his head low and frowns.
Perch (Defeated): “I don’t know what I’ll do…”
SpongeBob is deeply uncomfortable. He can’t bring himself to look at Perch.
Perch (Sobbing): “SpongeBob, what do I do?!”
Perch grabs SpongeBob’s shirt collar and cries into his chest. SpongeBob tries to push him back, but he won’t let go. He leaves a distorted orange face made out of his makeup on SpongeBob’s shirt, half of the purple scales on his face becoming visible.
SpongeBob tries to stand out of his barstool.
SpongeBob (Teary eyed): “I’m sorry, Perch. I have to leave!”
Perch: “No, please! I have nobody else!”
He tries to pull away again, making Perch fall to the ground.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob trying to pull away as he drags Perch along the ground.
Perch: “Please, SpongeBob! I’m begging you! I can’t be alone anymore!”
SpongeBob (Yelling and Crying): “I’m sorry, Perch! And I’m sorry about Paula! I’m SO SORRY!”
SpongeBob yanks himself out of Perch’s grip and runs from Perch.
Perch (Reaching out): “WAIT!!!”
Perch curls up into the fetal position and cries. The bartender tries his best to ignore the drama, whistling and pretending to clean the bar counter, keeping his eyes off of Perch.
Cut to - Wide Overhead Shot - EXTERIOR - Goofy Goober’s
SpongeBob bursts through the door and runs. He wipes the tears from his eyes and starts down the road.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob running
SpongeBob desperately tries to wipe the makeup off of his shirt while also wiping the tears from his eyes.
SpongeBob: “Why is this happening to me? This isn’t right! This wasn’t supposed to happen!”
SpongeBob holds his head and growls in frustration.
SpongeBob: “I need to get out of here. I need to get away from everything!”
SpongeBob slows down and stops to look around, seeing a large kelp field. He feels the urge to wander into it. To disappear from the world if only for a moment.
SpongeBob: “I need to keep going. Keep going and get away.”
He pushes kelp aside as he makes his way through.
Cut to - Close Up - Edge of Kelp
SpongeBob pokes his head through the kelp and looks surprised.
Cut to - POV - Small Clearing on Cliff’s Edge
The kelp field grows dangerously close to the edge of a cliff. The overlook offers a gorgeous view of Bikini Bottom, the city adorned in the soft glow of artificial lights.
Cut to - Medium Shot - SpongeBob approaching the cliff’s edge
SpongeBob looks over the edge and holds his head in his palms for a moment. He takes a deep breath, then looks at his hands. They’re clean. He looks down at his shirt. The makeup is still there. That stuff must only come off when soaked for a while.
SpongeBob: “Ooohhh, there’s no denying it anymore. It’s real. I’m a murderer. There really is no getting away from this…”
SpongeBob looks up into the beautiful night sky. His eyes are glossy with tears, but what he sees leaves him in awe. As if for a moment, he’s found a fleeting shimmer of peace.
Cut to - Wide Shot - SpongeBob on the edge, Bikini Bottom in the distance.
A large, bright yellow moon beams down on SpongeBob, casting a long shadow behind him. It’s almost heavenly, despite everything.
Cut to - Close Up - Moon
The camera moves downward, and we’ve changed location. Below the moon here is none other than Squilliam Fancyson. He lays in a lawn chair, disheveled and unshaven, unibrow bushy and unkempt. He swirls a glass of what appears to be grape juice in his tentacle, staring deeply into the moon.
Squilliam takes a sip from his juice, the sound of sea crickets filling the air.
We hang on this shot briefly, then cut to black.