Chapter Text
I'm so used to getting damaged
Then you know I hate this part
So I gotta take advantage of a fully broken heart
Won't you stay a little longer even if it's all pretend?
And maybe by the morning, I will be ready for the end
I'm not ready to let you go
So just give me one more night
Hold me like you're still mine
Oh, love me for right now before you leave me
I know it's gonna hurt
Watching your footsteps strides
So love me for right now before you leave me
~ Before You Leave Me – Alex Warren
10 Years Ago - Sunday
"So, Sirius Black, tell me, do you believe in star signs?" Remus asks, shifting on the bed slightly to look up at Sirius who sits with his back pressed against the headboard.
“Because of my name?” he chuckles slightly in return, raising an eyebrow at Remus.
“Mm,” Remus hums, leaning up on one of his elbows and resting his chin on his hand.
"Well, I'm a Scorpio," Sirius starts, grinning down at Remus. “That means I’m living in an intense way. I’m passionate in highs as much as in lows. I can be mysterious and inscrutable,” he continues thoughtfully. “I’m very loyal, but people have to earn it. I’m brave, but can be a little too determined sometimes. I have a sense for details, and I like to analyse things. I can be painfully emotional, but also manipulative, intransigent and very, very jealous,” he ends with another broad grin.
Now it’s Remus’s turn to raise an eyebrow, half impressed, half surprised. "So, you not only believe in star signs, but in horoscopes as well?" he teases.
"Those are two completely different things," Sirius returns with faint outrage. He changes his position and crawls across the mattress to lie down on his back next to Remus. He looks up at the ceiling and continues, while Remus once again catches himself studying the other boy’s features. “When talking about horoscopes, I’d say that Scorpios do believe in soulmates because they trust in deep connections and love and are very devoted once they find the right partner,” he explains, smiling up at the ceiling. “And according to horoscopes that would be with a Cancer, Virgo, Capricorn or Pisces.”
"Pisces, really?" Remus grins and nudges Sirius in his side playfully.
"Yeah, why?" Sirius asks, glancing at Remus out of the corner of his eye.
"I'm Pisces," Remus shrugs nonchalantly.
“Mm,” Sirius furrows his brows in concentration. Then he crosses his arms behind his head and starts another listing. “Sensitive about other’s feelings, creative but can also get lost in their fantasy worlds. Caring to the point of losing themselves, strongly optimistic when it comes to their visions and dreams, tolerant and patient,” he explains. “In relationships they need honesty and loyalty, and they’re quite the romantics,” he adds with a grin towards Remus.
"Sounds about right," Remus chuckles, still glancing down at him. "So, do you come from an esoteric kind of family?" he asks further.
"Oh God, no, not at all," Sirius huffs humourlessly, his gaze shifting towards the window. "My family is really religious and... conservative," he adds hesitantly after a moment. "They’re in some kind of Catholic group or something. I never showed interest, but they often tried to convert me, obviously," he forces out, brows furrowed in what Remus by now identified as sad anger. "My childhood was filled with that stuff, my, er... esoteric spirit I got from my uncle,” he adds, finally a small smile creeping back to his features. “Alphard. He's more like me than the rest of my family could ever be. And he despised that religious bullshit as well," he finishes with a grin, before quickly glancing up at Remus with big eyes. "Wait, you're not religious, are you?"
Remus grins back and shakes his head. "I like to describe myself as agnostic," he explains with a shrug.
"What's that?"
Remus reaches out on instinct and places a calming hand on top of Sirius’s own, laying on his chest. "I accept the possibility that there is simply no way to either confirm or deny the presence of some higher spirit above. May that be a God, or the devil or some alien mentality."
"Sounds about right," Sirius nods slowly while absentmindedly intertwining their fingers.
"Yeah, live and let live, I think," Remus says with another shrug. "Although I absolutely don't accept when people use their religion and faith as an excuse to spread hate into the world," he adds solemnly after a beat.
Sirius starts drawing circles on the back of Remus hand, but his movements falter when he speaks up again. "Yeah, I'm having a hard time accepting anything the church does when they just keep thinking certain groups of people are beneath their dignity or whatever," he frowns.
"Mm," Remus hums in agreement.
"Although they do have nice buildings," Sirius adds with a smile audible in his voice.
"What?" Remus chuckles, pulled out of his thoughts.
"Churches," Sirius clarifies, smiling back up at Remus. "I think, architecturally, they’re very interesting, very impressive buildings," he deadpans, and Remus snorts before nodding along.
"Yeah, true," he agrees. "I like cemeteries as well."
Now it’s Sirius’s turn to huff a disbelieving laugh. "What? Why?"
"I don't know,” he shrugs. “Sometimes I just take a walk over a cemetery and it's, I don't know... calming? It's not even that much about death or anything. It's just about kinda feeling close to... I don't know, origin? Or... or just the concept of transience?"
"I don't understand a word you're saying, and yet I still feel like I know what you're talking about," Sirius answers right away.
"Yeah?" Remus chuckles, biting his lip in the process.
"Yeah," Sirius nods, and for a beat they just stare into each other’s eyes. God, Remus thinks. This is getting ridiculous. I’ll never be able to let him go.
After a moment of shared silence, Sirius rips his gaze away again and picks up his fiddling with Remus’s hand. "There might also be a bit of this morbid passion and desire. Like how you feel when reading ‘Dracula’," he thinks out loud.
"Yeah,” Remus nods, trying to get his own thoughts clear. “Or like giving something back to the world. Like we come from earth, and we go back into it. Like atoms and molecules. What we humans are made of. And when we die, we give it all back to earth to… grow into a tree maybe," he adds and then immediately cracks up at how utterly gone this sounded.
Sirius joins in his outburst quickly. "Jesus, Remus, what did you put into the coffee we had earlier?"
~~~~~~~~~~
They stay like this for a while, Remus’s hand still placed on Sirius’s chest, focusing on the rise and fall of his breathing and the soft thud of his heart underneath. It’s calming, and combined with the light strokes of Sirius’s fingers, he gets lost in his own thoughts. Both of their gazes are fixed on the bright blue sky visible from their position on the bed. Remus can hear faint noises from the street in front of his building. Tourists on a Sunday Walk or students on their way to some day-drinking. But even with the buzzing outside, it’s still easy to get lost in their own little world they created during the last two days.
After some time, Sirius’s eyes are back on him and when he glances down, the other man blinks up at him with some sort of tired happiness.
"So, Remus Lupin, tell me, are you into Roman mythology?" Sirius murmurs, his lips parting into a teasing smile.
“Because of my name?” Remus chuckles, his thumb stroking across Sirius’s sternum.
“Obviously,” he nods, and Remus can feel the vibration of the word beneath his finger.
"I actually prefer the Greek one," he admits after a moment. "Or, well, no, scratch that, they're not that different from each other anyway. Let's just say I feel more drawn towards the Greek one."
"Yeah? How's that?" Sirius keeps asking while shifting his head slightly to get a better look at Remus.
Remus licks his lips and thinks about the question for a moment before answering. "During my childhood, when my parents were still happy and together, we did a lot of vacations on various Greek islands," he starts. "My father would do his studies, my mother did cooking classes and herb courses and stuff, and I would read for like the whole bloody day, finishing book after book," he adds, a smile forming on his lips due to the memories. Sirius mirrors his expression and softly squeezes his hand, wordlessly encouraging him to keep going. "Then in the evening, we would all meet up to have dinner and tell each other about our, let's call it researches," Remus continues with a small chuckle. "One summer I read Homer's Illiad, I must have been eight or nine, and after that I never read anything but Greek mythology when being on holiday. It's also a big part of my love for literature in general."
"You read the Illiad at the age of eight?” Sirius asks disbelievingly, his eyebrows raised in surprise.
“Or nine,” Remus grins back.
“Jesus, you sound like the definition of an academic family," the other man chuckles and shakes his head in admiration. "What do you like about Greek mythology so much?" he asks after a moment, and Remus’s heart flutters at the obvious and deep interest in his person.
"The bittersweetness of tragedy," he answers without missing a beat.
"Explain," Sirius smiles.
For a moment Remus thinks about the perfect answer, worrying his lip absentmindedly in the process. Sirius still glances up at him patiently. When Remus starts talking, his chest clenches. "When Patroclus sacrifices his life for Achilles, it's not just sad, it's tragic. He follows him to Troy out of pure trust and devotion. He wants to be by his side even in dark times, and there is nothing, not even a war, that could separate them. And when he dies it's because of an act of true and selfless and mindless love," he stops, catches Sirius’s eyes and then quickly looks out of the window again. "And in the grand scheme of things, the love between Patroclus and Achilles stretches across time. Every time someone tells their story, they're reunited. Every time someone sacrifices something for love, their love is reborn," he adds, his voice quieter now, and when he dares to look back at Sirius’s face, the other man smiles up at him softly.
Instead of an answer, Sirius leans up on his elbow as well to be on Remus’s level. He looks at him for what feels like eternity. Their eyes lock and Remus’s breath catches until Sirius shifts to lean over and kiss him senseless.
~~~~~~~~~~
After another snogging session, they continue with their deep talk, asking each other questions they never answered before. They laugh and smile and kiss and stare at each other as if some of those answers are to be found behind the brightness of each other’s eyes.
And when Sirius discovers his old Polaroid camera on his nightstand, they start taking pictures of each other. Remus smiles stupidly through the lens when Sirius poses in front of the window in just his boxer briefs, casually leaning against the kitchen counter. And he smiles even more when Sirius leans over him, straddling his lap and pointing the camera in his face while Remus lies spreads across the mattress, arms crossed behind his head, blinking up at Sirius. They don’t say it out loud, but it’s probably supposed to be a piece of memory for each of them to keep.
Although during all of the weekend, they never talk about parting ways. They never talk about meeting again either. They don’t think about what would happen if Remus wouldn’t have to leave. Or who they would be if they met at a different time or place. Both of them seem to wordlessly agree on the fact that it's just the way it is. That for them it might just be this weekend and that it’s sad but that no one will ever be able to take that away from them. Just like Patroclus and Achilles, the memory will stretch across time.
They sleep with each other two more times during their last evening together. First in a heated, passionate and greedy way. It’s fast and sweaty and dirty and sloppy and so fucking hot. They change positions and Remus pulls Sirius’s hair, pins his hands above his head and fucks into him and Sirius starts moaning in French when he reaches his first orgasm. The second time is slow and tender. They take time and it feels painfully like a goodbye.
When Remus wakes up in the middle of the night, he takes a moment to just look at Sirius’s sleeping features. Then he stands up and reaches for the copy of ‘Brideshead Revisited’ that lies on the pile of Sirius’s clothes. He takes a pen and starts writing to the inside of the cover.
I thought my new life would start in London, but damn, Sirius Black, I think it already started when I first looked into your eyes.
Remember what the poets say: you always meet twice.
Until then
Forever yours in memory
Remus
It’s cheesy, probably even romantic and he might regret it in the morning, but he’s half asleep and tomorrow Sirius is going to leave, and Remus will never be able to say something like this to his face. He places the Polaroid Sirius took of him between the pages, puts the book back down and cuddles next to Sirius again.
When Remus wakes up on Monday morning, it is in an empty bed. So what? Sirius saved them both the awkward situation where they have to say goodbye, knowing that they probably won't ever see each other again.
They do, however, see each other again. But that is not until six years later. In the meantime, Remus finishes college, meets new people, starts and ends various situationships and two mildly serious relationships. But during all this time he never forgets the weekend he met Sirius Black. And sometimes, late at night, he’s haunted by memories of soft grey eyes and skin against skin.