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Chapter Text

Eddie is a bit soft.  He knows that about himself.  Despite aspiring to be a fighter, and his unfortunate history in an underground fighting ring, he certainly would not call himself a fighter overall.  He’s a lover.  He’s sensitive, and caring, and soft. And when he is wounded he retreats.  Eddie has come other accept this about himself.  

Buck is a fighter. He fancies himself a lover, But Evan Buckley is no marshmallow.  Buck will fight to the death for the people he loves.  There is no fight too big or too small if Evan Buckley believes it’s the right thing to do.  

Eddie loves Buck’s fighting spirit and has come to rely on it completely to hold his world together.

In the last few months Eddie moved to Texas which was gutting.  Bobby died which was completely horrible. But then he apparently wasn’t actually dead which was completely wonderful.  And Eddie and Chris came home to stay which was perfect.  It’s been a time of real change. 

And in the face of all this change he had some major life realizations. The first being that he is gay. Always has been it would seem. The second being that he is stupidly in love with his best friend. The third being that his best friend might be stupidly in love with him back.

Eddie doesn’t want to assume. But Eddie also finally understands the nature of his devotion. It stands to reason that his gorgeous bisexual best friend and partner, the man he has been a family with for the past 8 years, might be devoted the same way too. 

Eddie owes it to himself to find out. There was a time when Eddie couldn’t bring himself to believe he owed himself anything.   But he’s grown. And even if he hasn’t grown enough to allow himself whatever he wants that doesn’t matter. Because there is only one thing he needs, and it’s time to see if he can have it. 

There are some scary conversations that have to happen first. The first one is with Eddie’s arch nemesis, himself. 

Eddie stands in his bathroom one night long after Chris has gone to bed. He couldn’t sleep. He knows what he needs to do. 

He turns the light on and looks at himself dead in the eye. He holds his gaze. It’s not easy but he does it. He needs to look himself in the eye as he says his next words. 

“I’m gay.”

His voice doesn’t break. It’s not shaky. 

“I’m in love with Evan Buckley.” 

He doesn’t stutter. It was easy. Too easy. 

He was expecting more of some sort of moment. There isn’t one. He feels completely at ease and walks to his bedroom where he shuts off the light and is asleep in minutes. His last thought as he drifts off is ‘why the hell didn’t I do that sooner.’

After himself the next most important person he needs to tell is Chris. So Eddie practices his speech and mentally prepares for so many possibilities. He can’t be taken by surprise and lose his composure.  Eddie sits him down in the living room about a month after they moved home. 

“Now Christopher there’s something I need to talk to you about.” Christopher immediately tenses up anticipating his next words to be something catastrophic which…fair, honestly. “It’s nothing bad.” Eddie assures hoping his next words will be perceived as, in fact, not bad. 

“There’s no easy way to say this and it may come as a shock so please just let me just get it all out then you can ask whatever questions you want okay?” 

Christopher nods mouth open looking at Eddie like there’s something on his face. Eddie takes a deep breath and starts talking. 

“So recently I’ve been trying to find myself. I know it’s something I should have done when I was a much younger man but sometimes things take time. As a result I acted from a very confused place for a very long time, and during that time I made a lot of mistakes. Mistakes that hurt you and I’m sorry Christopher. I know I’ve said that before and I’ll say it a million more times in my life for a million different reasons, but from now on I’m going to try to live more authentically in the hopes that I don’t make as many mistakes. So, uh, well….what I’m trying to say is that I’m uh….” 

“You’re gay.” 

Chris says it like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“Wha- what? Did you just say I’m gay?” 

“Shit! Sorry dad! Was that not it?” 

“No that’s it. Just…who told you?” 

“Nobody had to tell me dad I just- I’m so sorry dad. I should have just let you say it. I wasn’t thinking and it just slipped out!” 

“No…no that’s…it’s okay buddy.  I’m uh…I’m glad it’s not some big upsetting surprise.” 

“I love you dad.  All of you, and I’m really happy if this makes it easier for you to love you too.”

Eddie is at a bit of a loss. Something that has always rocked Eddie to his core is when other people know something about him before he does.  It makes him feel deeply unsettled.  And in this moment he has to admit that he doesn’t think he’s ever felt more stupid. Here he is, killing himself to bury this secret and he did such a bad job that a literal child saw through him. If Chris knew who else knew? His parents? His friends? Buck? 

“Dad can I ask you something?”

“Of course bud. Anything. I’m sure you must have a lot of questions.” 

Eddie prepared for this. He prepared for Chris to ask him about his relationship to his mother. He expected him to have questions about his past relationships and even some of his mistakes. 

But that’s not Chris’s question. 

“Is there someone in particular? Like someone who helped you realize this? Maybe someone you are attracted to?” 

God damnit. Eddie is so embarrassing. Chris knew everything before him.  He needs to keep it together.  This is the important part. 

“Uh yeah bud.  There is someone in particular”

Chris tries to school his anticipation.  He is not doing a very good job.

“Is it someone I know?”

“Yeah bud. Yeah it is.” 

Chris is working overtime to maintain this mature personna he has put on for this conversation.  It’s so cute.  His little boy is so cute. 

“Are you already together?” 

“No. We’re not together, I haven’t uh…I haven’t told him how I feel.” 

“I think you should go for it Dad.” 

Chris lets out his million watt smile and before Eddie knows it he is beaming too. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Just know, if you do this, you can never ever break up. No matter what.” 

Eddie lets out a little laugh at Chris’s joke. But when he looks at his son’s face to see how serious he has gotten and Eddie schools his expression to solemnly nod out “That’s the plan bud.”

Eddie is fully ready to retire his facade of fighter and fully assume his role as a lover.  The lover of one man in particular.  Not two days later Buck is over after a shift.  Chris has agreed to go to Dennys for the night to give the men a chance to talk. 

Eddie picked up takeout from their favorite place. He was initially very nervous but when Buck arrived acting normally Eddie found he was also able to be normal. He has a plan.  A plan of how this is going to go down.  He is just waiting for his opening. 

They eat dinner over laughter.  Eddie puts the plates in the kitchen listening to Buck regaling Eddie with a recent night’s adventure from his seat at the dining room table.  Apparently he was on a date (Booo!) and saw Ravi at the bar making out with someone he had never met. 

“I mean I was happy for the guy to be sure, I just truly never would have guessed he was a make out in public kind of guy. When I tell you I ran out of there so fast…oh man I’ve been dying to tell you for two days but I couldn’t at work!” 

A date. Buck was on a date two nights ago.  This was not part of the plan.

“What did your date say?”  Eddie is standing by the dining room table like a weirdo.

“Not much I made up an excuse and bolted. It wasn’t going well anyway. I don’t think he was a very good person.” 

“I wish you would stop doing that.” Not the plan. Shut up.

“What? Judging people?” 

“No. Dating.”  Oh man…

“Uh. What? You want me to stop dating?”

“Yes.” Fuck it. We ball. 

“Is there a reason for that?” Buck looks at him.  He looks a little scared, and dare Eddie say- hopeful? 

“I just um…I just…” oh god Eddie is blowing this so damn bad! What a nightmare! He needs to start saying his speech. The speech he planned. He looks like a controlling dick. How the hell is Buck supposed to figure this out? 

“Do you not want me to date? Or do you not want me to date other people?” Oh! He figured it out. Bucks is so smart.  But his sweet sexy genius looks so trepidatious. Eddie can’t stand it. He has to put both of them out of their misery. 

“The uh…the second one. The other people part.” 

“Okay… that’s really good Eddie. And why not?” Buck is talking to him like a vic. This is so embarrassing. He needs to step up. 

“Because I love you alright?! I want you to stop dating other people because I love you! You’re everything, absolutely everything to me and the thought of me going another day like this, looking at you looking like that and not kissing every inch of you— and this! This insane thing we do! Acting like we’re married instead of just actually being married is killing me!” 

Oop. Too much. Way too much. He breathes fro a second and tries to get himself back under control.

“I’m sorry that was too much-“ oomph!

Bucks lips crash into his as he shoots up from the table to arms wrap around Eddie and leaning them both back so that Eddie’s laying on the dining room table and Buck is pressing down into him.

“Not too much. Never too much.” Buck says devouring Eddie.  Eddie’s hands are all over Buck.  Bucks hands rub greedily all over Eddie’s body.  This is so fucking hot. But wait!  Eddie pulls back to clarify…

“That wasn’t a proposal.  I just want to be clear that wasn’t me asking you to marry me.” 

“Uh. Okay…” Buck looks a bit emotionally whiplashed. 

“Okay. When I propose to you I’m pulling out all the stops you hear?” 

Buck stares blankly at him for a second before wrapping one arm around Eddie’s waist and the other under his ass and honest to god picks him up.  Holy shit.  Eddie wraps his legs around Buck’s waist.  He’s being carried down the hall to the bedroom.  What the fuck?! Buck pulls back enough to whisper “I’m holding you to that” into his ear sending shivers through his whole body. And Eddie wants to devour Buck.  He is sure going to try. 

Later that night after their second round of hot sweaty lovemaking the two men are laying in bed staring at the ceiling taking in the moment and holding hands. 

“I can’t believe he was right.” Buck says partially to himself.

“Who was right?”

“Oh, uh …Tommy.  We uh…we…we reconnected one night after you moved to Texas, But it wasn’t…it wasn’t anything Eddie.  The next morning we uh…we fought about you, us, you being the ‘competition’ and I said you were straight and he scoffed at me.  But don’t worry Eddie I handled it…sort of.” 

Well this story sucks for a hundred different reasons. Hates it all across the board.  

“He was right though. So thanks for your chivalry but it was maybe misplaced.  Did you really truly think I was straight or were you just trying to be loyal?” 

“I mean, I hoped, like I hoped all the time for this, but I didn’t actually think it would happen.  You said you were straight, why would I not believe you?”

So everyone thought he was gay except the one guy it matters to most.  And it’s because he loved and trusted Eddie to know himself without question.  And that’s why he matters the most.  

“Buck, you’re the only person who I can honestly say takes me for who I am. And I love you so much for that.  You trust me to be myself and take whatever I say as fact. And if you ever think something else is going on then you just come and ask me.  You don’t make assumptions, you don’t whisper behind my back.  I never feel like I’m disappointing you or not living up to your expectations.”

“Eddie I-“

“You know my whole life I’ve always felt like everyone had some secret about me. That everyone knew something was off about me, but they wouldn’t tell me what it was. It would keep me up at night when I was younger, just trying to figure out what I was missing.  It made me feel really stupid and lonely. I guess now I know just how little I knew about myself.”

“No! You can’t say that! You do know yourself Eddie!  You’re so kind, and wise, and effortlessly cool! A man like that has to know himself! And oh my god Eddie, this must have been so hard for you to realize.  And now look at you— look at us!   And in terms of my expectations? I could never dream of anyone as amazing as you! Seriously! Even after all the years you amaze me everyday by being you! The only thing I’d change about you is that I wish you felt as impressed with you as I am. But Eddie I love you, You, like crazy.  Every single bit of you.” 

Eddie leans his head up to look at Buck. He’s staring into his eyes and is completely undone by the earnestness and breadth of emotion he sees there for him. 

“I love you” Eddie says looking at that bright beautiful face that fills him with warmth and safety and home. He leans forward to kiss that birthmark like the X on a pirate map showing Eddie where to find treasure. 

“I love you” Eddie says kissing the jaw he wants to nuzzle his head under every night for the rest of his life. 

“I love you” Eddie says before kissing the lips that always know the right thing to say. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you” Eddie says kissing his way down the strong body that supports the man he loves and himself every single day.  And then it was time for round 3.

And on it went. 

Four weeks in Eddie is having the time of his life. Buck is brilliant and beautiful and brave and kind and fun. Buck is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Full stop. And the possibility that Buck could be in love with him, let alone the reality that he actually is, is more than Eddie can believe. And boy does Buck love him well.

Since they got together everything good about their friendship got brighter. It’s like they were fumbling around in a candle lit room for 8 years but now someone has finally turned the lights on full blast and they can see each other fully. 

And if they’re interpersonal growth is a lights on moment, the sex is positively, absolutely lights out. Eddie gets completely lost when he and Buck are making love.  Eddie has never experienced anything like it. 

Before sex felt like a video game. Slightly detached from reality and pushing buttons and levers to level up or win.  But this is different. This is animal. This is primitive and real. Eddie finally understands what all the fuss is about. 

So yeah with everything so good there is no reason to not shout their relationship from the rooftops. Well, there’s one reason. Eddie needs to keep coming out. 

He hates it. He thinks it’s insanely unfair. He never had to come out as straight. 

Eddie blushes telling people his favorite color—so going around announcing his sexual attractions feels humiliating to him. But he has to do it he supposes. A moment of discomfort for a lifetime of happiness. 

They decide to tell Bobby one night having dinner at his house.  Since he got back and left the station they have to be more intentional with spending time together.  Buck usually finds his way over to Bobby and Athena’s at least once a week for a good meal and quality Bobby time.  They hold hands under the table and work together to update Bobby on all the things they need to tell him.  He listens and nods like Bobby does.  

Then he says “I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t always a little hopeful for this.  I think this is really wonderful.  And I’m so glad I’m not your captain anymore.” 

“No you’re just our chief.  So when we get too messy for Chim to handle the whole thing gets kicked up to you!”  Buck says glowing with pride at his surrogate father.

They all laugh and enjoy the rest of dinner beaming.  

After dessert when Buck helps Athena clean the dishes Bobby moves over to sit close to Eddie and quietly asks “Are you absolutely sure? Because you know how big he feels things, and I don’t want to see him get…well… I feel bad asking but I need to know. Is this forever for you Eddie?”

“Cap, I promise I will love him until there is nothing left of me.  This is it.” 

Bobby smiles, claps him on the shoulder and says “Nobody deserves happiness more than you Eddie. I’m so happy you’ve found it.”

Telling the 118 is easier than he thought.  They tell Chim first, he’s their captain now after all.  He sits there listening patiently.  He doesn’t speak for a while.  Finally he asks “Does Maddie know?”

Buck scoffs at him like it’s the dumbest question he’s ever heard.  

“Right. Well this just figures.  It happens once I’m captain and can’t collect on my winnings.”

“I’m sorry winnings?” Buck asks looking offended. 

“Yeah we’ve had a betting pool on you two for an amount of time I will not disclose to you.”

“Who made the first move?”

“We’re not telling you that.”

“Fine whatever.  I’m gonna need you to fill out some paperwork, then you’re going to have to be reviewed as to whether or not you can stay on shift together.”

“Would telling you who made the first move help our odds of sticking together?” Buck asks. 

“No brother, that would be unethical and unprofessional.  How dare you?” 

“It was Eddie.” Buck says seeing through his brother-in-law. 

“God damnit! I really would have won!” Chim looks very disappointed “Obviously I’ll do what I can to keep you two together.  Now get out of here and tell the others because you know I’m gonna blow this secret.”

“Right.  We know.  Thanks Chim.” Buck replies and they go to walk out the door.  

“Hey Eddie!” Chim calls out.  Eddie turns around “Congrats on landing a Buckley.  There’s nothing better.  Welcome to the family.”  

“Thanks Chim.  Happy to be here.” Eddie looks over to Buck who is honest to god blushing and it’s so cute Eddie wants to kiss him senseless, but he knows that won’t help their professionalism case so he just follows him out of the room and whispers to him once the door is closed “A Buckley just for me. Don’t know  how I got this lucky.”

“Being a Buckley is alright.  Think I’d rather be a Diaz though.” Buck says and winks skipping off. Eddie is hit with an absolutely deranged vision of his boyfriend wearing nothing but his turnouts with Eddie’s last name written on the back.  He needs this shift to end so he can go home and absolutely ravage his man.

It’s kind of all he can think about, which is good.  It keeps him from getting embarrassed over their friends’ hands changing money on their account.  It’s not how he pictured coming out but it does honestly make it feel normal very quickly.   

He decides he will tell his parents next.  An experience he highly doubts will make him feel normal. But the more he puts it off the scarier it becomes. He needs to do it before it becomes more of a thing. So on a four off two months into their relationship Buck and Eddie prepare to fly to Texas together. 

They started with the best of intentions— pack tonight so tomorrow everything is ready. 

There is only one problem. 

Eddie keeps bending over to pack his bag.  That, apparently, is very cruel to Buck, who is a wild animal. So while sitting on the floor by the foot of the bed Buck suddenly leans over to bite the cheek of Eddie’s ass making him jump. Eddie retaliates by wrestling him to the floor, holding him down and riding him. 

Now as they’re laying there in a pile on the floor, decidedly done with packing for the night, they settle into their anything and everything end-of-day conversation hour. 

“I’m nervous Buck.” 

“I know.” 

“How did you handle it? Coming out to your parents. Were you scared?” 

“Well I didn’t come out to my parents so much as have a sloppy public make out  sesh with my gigantic sooty boyfriend in the lobby of my sister’s hospital wedding. They put two and two together after that.”

“What did they say?” 

“Nothing then, but the next morning the three of us were babysitting Jee and they asked if it was men that I liked now. I told them I maybe always did but never really thought about it, and that I still liked women too. Then my dad said something like ‘That’s our Evan, never a dull moment’. And my mom said ‘if you’re happy we’re happy’ and…yeah.” 

“And that’s all they said.” 

“Yep.” 

“Have you talked about it since?” 

“Yeah, no Eddie. You may remember they kept my dead brother a secret from me for 30 years. They aren’t exactly the kind of people to talk an issue to death. They’re WASPS Edmundo. It was said, we’re cool, there’s no reason to ever talk about it again.” 

Eddie would love WASPY repressed parents right now instead of the ethnic, dramatic and yet somehow still repressed ones he has. 

He just knows they’re going to say some stupid shit tomorrow. He just hopes it’s nothing he internalizes too deeply. Besides telling Peppa was a dream, if that’s the best it gets with his family he is fine with that. 

When they told Peppa two weeks ago she grabbed Eddie and held him to her tightly and said “Todo lo que siempre quise para ti es un gran amor”.  

Eddie felt tears flood his eyes and tried to nod them away saying “Es un amor tan grande”.  

Then she turns and hugs Buck and tells him “It makes no difference to me Evancitio, you’ve been my nephew for years!”.  

Buck got the most beautiful smile on his face and said “I’ve always wanted an aunt!” She laughed a little and reached up to the man to kiss his cheek.   

Then they sat down to dinner and every few minutes Eddie caught her beaming at her and Buck. 

As much as they make him crazy Eddie’s family actually means the world to him. And he is so happy he doesn’t have to choose between his immediate family unit and his place within his larger family. He knows he would pick his perfect three-person family with Buck and Chris over quite literally any other human being in the world, but he is so happy he doesn’t have to. 

When he and Buck land in Texas for their two day trip they are greeted by Eddie’s sister Adriana. This is a huge surprise. 

“Adri! What the hell are you doing here?!”

She gives Eddie a big hug and pulls back to ask “You’re not dying are you?”

“Jesus! No! What? Why would you say that?” 

“Because you flew into Texas without Christopher to talk to your parents about something. It looks sus.” Buck says stepping around Eddie to give Adriana a hug of his own. “Hey Adriana!”

“Hi Buck! It’s nice to see you now that I know my brother’s not dying.” Adriana starts walking with Buck while Eddie trails a bit behind trying to give them space to bond. “I have to admit I was nervous you were coming. I figured it couldn’t be good if my brother needed to bring his emotional support hot firefighter with…” Eddie is behind but he hears her trail off and sees her connect the pieces in her head in real time. Another one. This is so embarrassing. Buck realizes she is piecing it together too because he frantically shakes his head and whispers “act surprised”. 

“That’s okay Buck. I’m apparently the most obviously gay man in the whole world.” 

“Well I wouldn’t say the whole world. Just maybe Texas.” Adriana steps into his space and wraps him in her arms. “I love you very much big brother and I’m so incredibly proud of you.” 

“Thanks baby sister” he murmurs into her hair. Eddie feels like he might cry.  He knows now that even if his parents turn on him, he at least has her on his side.

“You know if you had answered the sibling FaceTime last night you would have known already.” 

“I’m sorry I was driving in a mental spiral over my dying brother. Does Soph know?” 

He shakes his head “Was busy with the kids. She’s calling me tonight.”

“She’s gonna be really happy for you too.”

“How do you know?”

“Because you’re our big brother and since the day we were born you’ve been our protector. Your life has been really hard and it’s really good to know that you have a protector now too… and a smoking hot one at that!” She winks at a smiling Buck. “And just so you know Eddie, whatever happens with Helena and Ramon, remember I’m here to be your protector too.”

She drove all the way from her home in Tempe just to have his back today. It feels good. 

When he goes to talk to his parents Buck and Adriana ‘go to the store to get stuff for dinner’ but when Eddie checks their location he sees they’re parked around the corner, standing by, should they need to swoop in. 

He sits down in the living room, the formal living room, for this formal announcement. 

His parents look nervous, which makes sense. He wonders what they think he is going to say since they, like his sister asked if he was dying immediately upon his arrival. 

“So I just want to start this by saying I love you guys very much, and I know you love me too. And even though I’m an adult and can make my own decisions I would still like your support, alright?”

They nod and stay silent. 

“I came here because I want to tell you something. It’s something I have been trying to suppress in myself for my whole life.” 

Eddie waits a moment for them to butt in and say he’s gay. He waits. They don’t. 

“Ever since I have accepted this about myself everything in my life has improved. And I need to tell you now, I’m gay.” 

They still say nothing. They’re staring forward. It’s like they’re still waiting for him to say whatever he came here to say. 

“Uh, did you guys hear me?” 

“Hear you? I don’t- I don’t know. Can you say it again?” 

Are they serious?

“Uh yeah sure. I’m gay. I like- I’m attracted to men generally and in love with one man particularly.” 

His parents nod, their mouths agape.

“You’re um you’re referring to your um, Buck friend, I presume?” 

“Yes mom I’m referring to my Buck friend. And he’s not my friend anymore— well he is, he’s my best friend, he’ll always be my best friend, but now he’s also my boyfriend. And if I was a betting man I’d say within a year or so, he’ll probably be my husband.” 

“Huh.” they say in sync, still too shocked to respond with any of their usual passive aggressive judginess. A blessing perhaps?

“I mean I know you’ve had bad luck with women, but isn’t this a little extreme?” Ramon asks. Yeah, okay. There it is. They’re coming back online. Eddie straps in. 

“It’s not like that dad. The reason it’s never worked with women is because it was only ever going to work out with men.” 

“You can’t be gay— you just can’t be!” Helena bursts out.

“What are you talking about? Of course I can be mom! Anyone can be gay. And I just happen to in fact be…that.” 

She’s floundering, Eddie sees an opening to take control of the conversation and he takes it.  “And I’m honestly a little surprised at you mom,” no he’s not “I didn’t think you had a problem with gay people. You’re always going on about how you’re such good friends with your hairdresser and how ‘fabulous’ he is! He’s gay!” 

Eddie is pretty pleased he was able to pull that out. It’s not what he imagined saying in this moment but he’s nonetheless pleased that he’s able to call his mother a hypocrite in the language of veiled insinuations, her native tongue. Eddie will send her hairdresser James anonymous gift card or something for this. 

“Yes, he is but that’s not the point! The point is he’s had a very hard life! But I want better for you!”

“Better?”

“Yes Eddie better! I want you to feel secure and have an easier life than he’s had, and honestly I want your life to be easier than the life you’ve had! And that’s all I want for you— that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you!” 

“You’re right mom. Alright? You are. It hasn’t been easy. I have been unhappy, and insecure. And it’s been hard. I’ve been through a lot. Granted a lot of it was outside of my control and just insane bad luck. But even at that, through all of that, I’ve never really felt stable before. But that feeling wasn’t because I’m gay, it’s because I was being inauthentic, and looking for stability in the wrong places. It’s because I was running from who I was and what I needed because I didn’t want to disappoint anyone.” 

She is silent. Holy shit. Helena Diaz with nothing to say. Eddie better strike while the iron’s hot. 

“And I know how the world looked when you were my age, but it’s so different now, it’s better.” 

“How can you say that? It’s getting worse for gay people every day don’t you watch the news?” 

“I do mom. I do. but things will only get worse if people let them. And I’m not afraid. I have Buck with me, and we look out for each other. Always have. Always will.” 

They’re silent. His parents. Silent. A chill passes over Eddie. Hell has frozen over. 

“Does Christopher know?”  His father finally asks.

“Of course he does. He’s the very first person I told, even before Buck. Wasn’t really news to him though. Or anyone else really. You really had no idea?” 

“No. I’m completely blindsided” Helena says genuinely.

“I’m not” Ramon says with a shrug. Eddie’s mother turns to him shocked. 

“You’re not?” His mother looks betrayed that he never shared this inkling with her. 

“I mean all the ballroom dancing…” kind of offensive honestly, but it could be going worse. Eddie decides to let them adjust and not slap them down too fast for being unintentionally homophobic. It’s gonna be baby steps for his Texas boomer parents because apparently they really are genuinely surprised so he’s feeling benevolent. 

“Huh” his mother says and Eddie sees her replaying his entire childhood in his mind looking for clues. “You have always been very sensitive-“

“Okay!” Eddie cuts her off emphatically, he can sense things may are about to devolve, he cuts it off at the pass. “Buck and Adriana should be back any second. What do you say we all go out for dinner hm? Our treat?” 

This was a plan he and Buck pre-decided on if this phase of the day didn’t end in bloodshed. It’s harder to make a scene in a restaurant. 

Dinner is tense but survivable. And when they go to leave the next day they both get hugs from Eddie’s mother and an “you’ve known each other a long time, so if this what you want, then I guess you would know that.” Yeah he’ll take that. 

Ramon Diaz even holds out his hand to Buck and says “Welcome to the family”. 

Chapter Text

This day was doomed from the start.  

They are riding to a warehouse out in the middle of bumfuck nowhere California.  

Eddie is 100 percent not in the mood today for one of those shifts where they go from call to call pulling them further into places they don’t normally get called to.  Sometimes that kind of thing can be fun or at the very least interesting, but it means a lot of time in the truck, and today he does not want to be forced into spending this much time pressed knee to knee with Buck— which is pretty ironic considering the nature of their first real couple fight. 

The verdict is coming down at the end of this week over whether or not they will have to be split up between different houses as a result of disclosing their relationship.  He feels good about his odds with Chim as their captain, but he knows it’s not entirely up to him,  it has to go through their union and HR department as well. 

The possibility of being separated from the 118 generally, and Buck specifically, is shitty.  But Eddie already decided that as much as it hurts him, he will be the one who transfers to a different station, not Buck.  

They’ve been fighting over this the last few days, but Eddie will not budge.  Buck keeps trying to say that he doesn’t need the job to be close to everyone.  Chim is his brother-in-law, Hen is like a sister to him, and now with their coupling Ravi has graduated to the role of best bro. And he says he’ll see everyone else at the station at functions with Eddie.  Buck says he doesn’t need to be at the 118 to feel loved, he can go anywhere and keep those bonds.  

Eddie agrees with him on that front. Eddie imagines there is nowhere Buck can go where he won’t be loved terribly by the people in his life.  But if they have to be separated and Eddie cannot personally have Buck’s back, then he needs to know that he is being looked out for by the rest of the 118.  Eddie suspects that may be Buck’s reasoning for wanting him to stay as well, but Eddie doesn’t care, He’ll be selfish.  He is more than willing to go to the mattresses with his boyfriend to put his own peace of mind and Buck’s safety first.  Buck is staying with their team and that’s final.

And who knows, maybe they both will stay and this whole fight will be moot.  But it doesn’t make either of their frustration with each other any less palpable today.  

“Trouble in paradise already?” Ravi teases. 

Buck scowls. 

“What did one of you sleep too far away on the bed from the other last night?” Hen scoffs.

Eddie scowls.  

This is a new development.  Since they told the team about their relationship the two men have become a magnet for the co-dependency jokes he fears everyone has been making behind their backs for years.  They are, however, said with love and express the delight of their friends who are very happy that they are finally together.  But on days like today he is in no mood. And apparently neither is Buck. 

“Yeah and so what if we did? I love my boyfriend and like being close to him. Is that a crime?” 

Shit. That was very cute of Buck to say.  Eddie can’t really stay frustrated with him after that.  

Eddie still plans on getting his way if things don’t shake out in their favor, but he’s not wasting anymore time being mad at the very sweet and beautiful man sitting next to him.  He knocks his knee against Buck’s and leaves it pressed close.  Buck looks up to meet his eyes and Eddie shoots him a little wink.  Buck gives a little smirk and a look that clearly telegraphs ‘fight over. I love you’ and Eddie smiles back. 

When they arrive at the call they’re the last two out of the truck.  Eddie pulls Buck back by his turnouts and plants a short, loving kiss to his partner’s smiling lips.

Then they run out after their crew before anyone catches them.  

There was an explosion at an old warehouse that doesn’t appear to be used for much except squatting. The blast was pretty substantial and the likelihood of people inside is pretty high.   

Buck, Eddie, Ravi and Hen all head in together.  Eddie actually goes with Buck, and Hen with Ravi to triage anyone who may be too hurt to get out since structurally, the building seems sound and the fire is relatively contained to one area.  

They are making their way through the warehouse when Buck turns to him and smiles “Just like old times huh?” 

Eddie bumps his shoulder against Buck’s with a happy smile and says “Race ya” before picking up the pace into the next room. But as they make their way through they pick up on a strong chemical smell.   Not good for anyone still in the building. 

“LAFD call out!” Buck calls. They keep walking.  They turn the corner into another large room.  Buck is a little ahead of him when they turn the corner. 

“Eddie stay back!” He hears Buck call frantically, but his brain doesn’t respond to the the words, only the tone, and he races forward to his partner.  There he sees Buck standing with his arms up with a gun being pointed at him by a very desperate looking man standing in front of what is clearly a meth lab.

“Easy does it” Eddie says trying to remain very calm.  The smell is very strong and the man’s cooking enterprise seems to be going awry, clearly the reason for the first explosion.  But that seems less pressing than the gun pointed at his partner.  “Put the gun down, there’s no reason for that now.” 

“I need to leave” he says  I need to get out of here.  “You’re going to help me do it understand?”  

Eddie takes a deep breath.  If they just stay calm there is no reason they all won’t be okay.

“I understand,” Buck says.  Good.  Eddie doesn’t need him trying any heroics. “Just let him go.  He has a kid.  And if you need leverage I’m your guy.  He just works here, the captain is my brother-in-law and the chief is practically my father, if you need leverage you’ve got it. Let my co-worker go and I’ll help you get out of here, no questions asked,” 

God damnit, there’s the stupid heroics.  After they survive this Eddie is going to kill him.  Eddie tries to shoot him a glare but Buck won’t look at him.  Not taking his eyes off the man with the gun.  The smell is getting insanely strong, this lab is about to blow, they need to leave. 

“Shut up and start walking! Both of you do what I say or I’ll shoot you both.“ 

They start walking and he notices Buck positioning himself between Eddie and the gunman.  He is really going to kill him when this is all over. He is trying to get around Buck to cover him instead when it happens.  

As they are turning the corner of the next room from the lab the world explodes.

A deafening boom. 

A ball of fire. 

Arms wrapping around him. 

Then nothing. 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

His ears are ringing.  That’s the first thing he notices.  

Then it’s the weight.  There is a crushing weight on him.  

Then it’s his head.  And once he realizes that, he doesn’t know how he could have realized anything else first.  

His head hurts.  Bad. 

He looks around and there is darkness.  He seems to be under rocks.  On top of him is a softer rock it seems. 

It’s a person.  A man.  Is he another soldier?  Eddie has never seen him before.  

His medic training kicks in and he tries to rouse the man.  The chopper must have crashed.  The man might be dead. 

He’s not.  He rouses all at once like a bucket of water was dumped on him. He seems alert, well, more alert than Eddie.  Not a high bar.  But he definitely looks like he is in a lot of pain.

“Eds!” He knows Eddie. Weird. 

“You okay?” Eddie tries to ask but the words feel very heavy on his tongue and he can’t hear much from the ringing in his ears. 

“Uh yeah baby… I’m- I’m okay. Are you?”

“Chopper shot down?” He tries to say.

“What?”

“Our chopper shot down?” Eddie repeats but it’s getting harder to focus.  His eyes are drifting shut. 

Now it’s just darkness and ringing.

His head hurts.  He tries to say it.  He’s not sure if it works. 

“I know it does.  You’re really disoriented. I think you hit your head a little too hard baby. Do you know where we are?”  Why is the guy talking about a baby?

“Who’s baby? My baby?”

“What?” 

“I have a baby.  A little boy. Christopher.  He’s home with my wife.  I hope he’s gonna be okay.”

“He’s okay Eddie.  Chris is okay. I promise.  You’re gonna be okay too.”  Eddie fully opens his eyes and sees the guy on top of him.  There is blood on his lips.  He doesn’t look great.  But what was he saying? Something about Chris?

“You know Christopher?”

“Yeah I do.” The guy replies with a soft bloody smile.  It makes Eddie feel sick kind of. 

“I don’t. I’ve been here his whole life. God damn war.”  He wishes he got to know Cristopher but he will probably die here, across the world from him.  

Why does this guy look so scared? 

 Oh. Eddie knows why.  

The guy doesn’t look good.  

He’s probably going to die soon.  

He should be scared. 

“But you will know him Eddie, you’re gonna be with- with Chris. I promise you.” Why is the dying guy talking about Chris?  He doesn’t care.  He’s probably dying too and he wants to hear about his boy.

“Tell me about him.”   Eddie is really tired. And he is scared too, but he wants to believe the guy so badly because even though he barely knows him, he loves his son so much.  So he plays along.

“He’s amazing.  He’s so smart, and not just like school smart but people smart.  And it makes him r-really k-kind.  He’s s-so loving, he gets that from…ugh… you. And oh my God Eddie” the guy coughs and needs a few seconds to get his breath before continuing  “he’s s-so funny.  Yergunna go nuts for him.”

“He sounds amazing.  I hope he wants me around.”  He feels really tired and wants to sleep.  He wants to dream about being home with his little boy and his wife.  He doesn’t want to be in this dark, scary place anymore 

“He alwayswants youround.”  The guy slurs. Please let that be true.  The guy seems to have a harder time breathing.  He should probably stop talking.  Eddie needs to tell him that.  But he can’t move his mouth.  “You l-love each other like crazy.  That’s why you haveta s-stay strong Eddie.  You haveta get h-home. He needs you…”

Eddie feels something graze the back of his mind. A thought of ‘Not just me’.  But then the thought is gone as suddenly as it appeared and Eddie’s eyes close.  He drifts back off to the sounds of the guy’s pleading between wet rasps for breath “No baby— stay wi’me!  K-keep yereyes open Eddie! Eddie!” But it’s getting further and further away. 

He hears something in the darkness. Shouting.  Things are moving.  Holes of light are coming through.  The other guy is still on top of him but he isn’t moving.  Eddie thinks he must be dead.  It makes Eddie feel incredibly sad.  He is sad in a way that doesn’t make sense over someone he doesn’t know. But when he tries to shake him and he doesn’t move Eddie opens his eyes to see blue lips covered in blood and he feels like the world ended. 

People are still shouting.  The rocks above them are moving. But it all hurts too much and Eddie lets go.

Chapter Text

“Eddie, sweetie, can you hear us? Can you open your eyes?” 

He wakes to his parents sitting next to his bed. 

What the hell happened? He knows he’s in a hospital. His helicopter must have gone down or something. 

“Where am I? Why are you here?” 

“You’re in the hospital Eddie. We’re here because you’re hurt.” 

He was in Afghanistan. He was in a helicopter. He doesn’t understand what his parents are doing here. 

“Hang on son, let me get the doctor.” His dad gets up to leave and his eyes follow him to the door to see his sister walking in with a teenager. They both look pretty run down. 

“Dad?” The teen calls out. His dad must be his room mate or something. He looks around but there’s no other patient in the room. 

“Dad you’re awake!” Eddie doesn’t understand who this kid is talking to. He walks forward on crutches; crutches like his son has. He looks like his son actually, if his baby were like, 10 years older. 

“Dad are you okay?” Why does he keep saying that? Who is this person? what is happening? 

“Who are you?” 

The room goes completely still. Nobody moves. The kid’s eyes fill up with tears but he takes another step forward. 

“I-I’m Christopher. I’m your son.” 

That’s crazy.

“No my son is a baby. He’s just a little kid. Who are you? I don’t understand what’s happening!” 

“Oh dad, no.” The kid’s face crumbles and Adrianna rushes forward to wrap her arms around the boy. 

Ramon comes back in with the doctor just in time because Eddie feels pretty certain he’s having a heart attack. He can’t breathe and his chest is caving in. 

His vision goes dark and that’s it. 

He wakes up some time later to his parents standing by his bed talking to the doctor. Once they clock him the doctor starts asking him questions. He knows his name and birthday. But apparently every single other thing he thinks is wrong. He reaches up to touch his pounding head and it’s wrapped in bandages.

He is in Los Angeles, where he lives. It is 2025. He is a firefighter. His son is grown. 

He needs his wife. He needs Shannon. Why is she not here? Did he blow it with her? Did she get tired of waiting for him and move on?

“Where’s Shannon?”

His parents look to each other nervously. 

Was she with him when he was hurt? He feels like she was. He feels it. She was there, someone was there. Is she worse off than him? 

His mother steps forward to say “Eddie I’m so sorry, but Shannon is dead.”

His vision whites out. 

He can’t draw in breath again. 

This time he knows he’s dying. 

Why did he live when she died? What is chris going to do? He needs her. 

“Chris!” He gasps out “Does Chris know?”

“Yes Eddie he knows.”

“With me? She was with me when I was hurt wasn’t she? I can feel it. I knew it I knew something else was really wrong. I could feel it.” 

His parents look to each other “No she wasn’t with you. It’s been a very long time. She died when Chris was very young.” 

“Are you sure she wasn’t with me?” Eddie knows they are, but he feels like she was there or something. Like something terrible just happened to someone and he is missing it. 

“She wasn’t there. But when you were hurt you were with your—“ his mother cuts off his father mid sentence.

“Best friend!” She intercedes. “You were with your best friend.”  His father gives his mother a surprised look. Does he not know he has a best friend? To be fair Eddie didn’t know that either. 

“Okay?” He’s sure he doesn’t know anything about any ‘best friend’. 

“He’s in rough shape son. I’m so sorry.”

“Okay…” this is too much. Why does his dad look more regretful about his friend than his wife? What is happening? Who is he? 

“What is uh…what’s his name?” This seems to make both his parents very sad for some reason.

“Evan Buckley, but you all just call him Buck.” Eddie hears something like thunder rumbling at the name. He doesn’t know this man and that makes him feel sad. 

But not as sad as he feels at the news that his wife is dead.  His wife is dead. His son’s mother is dead. And she died a long time ago and he has no recollection of any of it. No recollection of Chris’s entire life. In a way, his son has now lost both parents. 

No one has ever failed their family the way Eddie has. He drifts off to a fitful slumber. 

He wakes up to see Chris sitting next to him and holding his hand. He immediately starts crying. 

“I’m sorry son. I’m so sorry about your mother.” 

“It’s okay dad. I’m okay. It was a long time ago. I’m okay now.”

“I’m sorry I missed your life!” 

“You didn’t dad! You didn’t miss it. You’ve always been here for me. You didn’t miss it. It’s okay.”

Eddie can’t stop crying. He wants to but he can’t. And he wants to stay awake for his son but he can’t. He needs to get it together for his son. But he simply can’t. All he does is sleep and cry. Traumatic brain injuries are a nightmare.  

He falls into another teary sleep. 

Eddie feels like he’s standing in the middle of the desert at night. There is nothing for miles around to guide him home. And he swears he hears thunder in the distance. A rumbling thunder plays in his head every second.

He’s waiting for the lightning to strike him, to kill him dead. But it doesn’t. 

He isn’t dying. 

His wife died. 

War is hell. He would fall asleep some nights saying he would give anything to be home. He was wrong. He’d give anything to go back. This can’t be happening. 

His son enters the quiet hospital room but he can barely hear his son through the din, the rushing in his ears, the thunder.

“Dad we need to talk alright? I know you’re going through a lot right now but we need to talk about Buck. He isn’t doing well and I think you should go see him.” 

The thunder is getting louder. He hates thunder. Thunder means lightning. The thought terrifies him in a way he can’t explain. He didn’t know he was so afraid of lightning.

“I can’t think about this right now. Your mother…” 

Chris is getting mad at him. That makes sense. He’s so mad at himself. 

“Dad you need to focus on Buck right now alright? He needs us! Mom isn’t important!” 

How could he say that? Has he failed that badly that his son doesn’t even care about his funny, beautiful mother? Was it not enough that Eddie failed his wife in life? Now he has to fail her in death too? He can’t stand for that. 

“She is your mother Chris! And you care more about some guy than-“

“How dare you! I miss mom every single day! But the truth is that Buck has been a parent to me for longer than she was!  He has been there for half of my life and half my life with mom I don’t even remember!  Buck is my family! And he’s your family too, and he’s really hurt and I’m really scared and you’re the one who’s being selfish not me!”

Chris looks like he’s going to break. It must be what he looks like too. 

“Chris I’m sorry.  That was really wrong of me.  I know you’re scared and-“ 

“You should be scared too dad! You should be so scared!  Buck—our Buck could die!”

“I’m sorry Chris, and I know it’s hard to understand but he’s not my anything. And I’ll help him if I can but I just don’t know him!

“You can’t imagine how wrong this is.” Chris looks so devastated Eddie wishes he never spoke. He sees tears filling his son’s eyes as he turns to leave the room. “I just- I need a minute.”

“Chris!” He calls out hoping to make him understand “I don’t… I don’t know what to do! I’m scared and confused and heartbroken and sick. Nothing makes any sense! I was in a chopper with my team and I blinked, like literally just blinked, and I’m no longer in an active war zone, my baby son is a grown man, and my wife, the love of my life is dead.” 

“I honestly can’t imagine how awful this must be for you Dad. I really can’t. But you’re wrong. The love of your life is not dead.”

And with that Chris walks out of the room as quickly as he can. What does that even mean? Eddie knows he messed up. He doesn’t know how to have a teenager.  Just like he didn’t know how to have a baby.  He needs help.  He is not equipped to do this on his own.  He needs help.  

Thank God his parents are here.  

He falls asleep. 

He wakes up to his aunt Peppa standing by his bed, stroking his hand and trying to reassure him. It cuts through the sound of thunder in his ears. He feels calmer than he has since he woke up on the wrong side of the world. 

He sleeps.

He wakes to voices talking, two women.  He knows one is Peppa but he can’t recognize the other.  

“The complications from the hemopneunothorax is a huge concern because now fluid is building up. I swear his lungs are cursed or something.  He’s still on the ventilator and they think it will be a while before it can come out which is concerning for the long term.  I’m just afraid of the time he went without oxygen, we don’t know what it did to his brain, and we won’t know until he wakes up. It’s just such a nightmare. It feels like the lightning all over again. And then there’s his leg. It’s all his greatest hits at once. He’s the best person I know. I don’t understand why this keeps happening to him.” The strange voice is crying now, Eddie thinks he should open his eyes but he doesn’t. 

“God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. I believe in that boy. He is so strong.  Evancito will not leave us now. He will come back.” Who is Evancito? Was a kid hurt too? Is this lady his mom? 

“Would it be alright if I go sit with him for a bit?” Peppa asks. Does Peppa know the kid?

“That would be so great thank you! Bobby is sitting with him now but I think he could use a break too honestly. Is it okay if I stay here for a bit? I just, he’d want to check in…I want to be able to tell Buck how he’s doing, because I really do believe he can hear us.” 

His most recent round of drug induced sleep is nearly completely worn off.

He awakes to the sight of a beautiful woman sitting by his bed. She has a soft warm demeanor and Eddie wishes he could remember her because something about her puts him at ease. 

She sees him awake and she straightens up in her chair adopting a slightly forced, but still lovely smile. 

“Hi Eddie. My name is Maddie.” 

“Uh hi Maddie. I guess I’m supposed to know you. Are you a friend of mine?” 

“Yeah. But our closest connection is that I’m Buck’s sister.” 

“Oh. Is he uh, is he…how is he doing?” 

Her eyes fill with tears but he sees Maddie muster her strength to say “He’s fighting. He isn’t giving up. He never does.” 

“That’s good.”

“Yeah. How are you?” 

“I’m uh…” the worst I’ve ever been? Terrified? Heartbroken? How can he answer that? 

Eventually he decides he can’t and just shrugs his shoulders and looks at his hands. 

“Look if you’re here because you think I can do something to help your brother I can’t. Chris keeps saying I need to go see him, talk to him, but I don’t know him! I don’t want to let Chris down! And I know I don’t know your brother, but I know I’m supposed to, and I really don’t want to let him down either.” 

“That’s not why I’m here”

“Why are you here?”

“I’m here because my brother can’t be. Because I know he’d be crazy worried about you right now and he would need to be sure you were alright. It would be his number one priority. So I just wanted to make sure I’m doing what he would want.”

What can Eddie say to that?  Truly what?

“He sounds like a good friend to me.” 

“He is. And you’re a very good friend to him.” 

“Can you tell me about him?” Eddie can’t stand not knowing about this guy anymore. 

“Yeah Eddie, I’d love to. You met as work partners, I think he was pretty intimidated by you at first, but then you guys pulled a live grenade out of someone’s leg together and from there on out you two were gangbusters. You’ve saved each other’s live’s more than once, but more importantly you’re there for the everyday things. You support each other, make each other laugh, and you guys are a family. You, Buck, and Chris. You’re a family. He loves that boy so much. And you keep him grounded. Not always an easy thing to do, but you have the magic touch.  You make him the best version of himself and…”

She cuts herself off, unable to keep talking. 

“Would you help me go see him?” That was not what Eddie was expecting to say.  It certainly doesn’t seem to be what she was expecting to hear. But he needs to see this guy. This mystery best friend. She nods her head emphatically.

“Yeah Eddie! Yeah of course! If you feel up to it I’d love to help with that! Hang tight I’ll go see about a wheelchair.”

She all but runs out of the room. She seems so nice.  He instantly likes her.  He feels sort of protective of her in a way that doesn’t fully make sense.  Maybe they know each other pretty well.  They must if he is good friends with her brother.  She comes back in with a man he hasn’t seen before on her heels, but like her he has a sort of demeanor that makes Eddie feel at ease immediately. 

“Hey man, I’m Howie, but my friends call me Chim.” 

“Do I call you Chim?” 

“Only if you want to.” 

Eddie nods his head, his throat tight.  He likes these people a lot.  Chim comes around to the bed and helps Maddie get him up and over to the wheelchair with his I.V. line in tow. 

“Next stop on the Buckaroo express, third floor” Chim says as he wheels him out of the room.  Eddie’s stomach gets tight and the thunder that was low in his ears is getting louder. 

“I just want to warn you Eddie, he looks pretty rough, but he’s fighting.  It’s who he is down to his bones.  And I know that having you there, hearing your voice, even though I know you can’t understand why, even if it’s just for a second, is going to help him keep fighting.” 

“You’re right.  I don’t understand.” He is feeling overwhelmed.  His chest is feeling tight. 

“Eddie he loves you your his -“

“Best friend!” Chim cuts in.  “You two are thick as thieves.” Maddie looks sort of abashed and he can’t understand why. 

“Yeah, people keep saying that.”

They arrive at the room and they are right.  This guy doesn’t look good. His wrist is in a brace. His full leg is in a cast. His face is covered in bruises. He’s on a ventilator and there are tubes and bags connected all over his body.  He kind of can’t look at him.  He picks a point on his hand, something that seems neutral and stares there.

“Hi,” he starts talking with no direction “uh I’m sorry you’re hurt.  I hope I didn’t do anything to cause this when we were…wherever we were. I’m sorry that you’re going through this and I can’t be more helpful, I’m just a little confused right now.” 

Eddie is trying to stay focused on the hand but the thunder in his head is getting louder.  He wishes he were anywhere else but this room, but he has to try. 

“My kid, Christopher, he loves you so much.  He’s really worried about you.  A lot of people are.  But Chris he uh, he loves you like a father I think, and I uh…I need you to be okay for him.  And I know I’m missing a lot, but from what I’m hearing I probably need you to be okay for me too.  I’m kind of falling apart and I could use a best friend right about now. But I know that’s unfair to ask because I can’t do anything to help you.  Because I’m probably failing you just as bad as I’m failing everyone else…probably worse honestly and I—“ Eddie makes the mistake of looking up at Buck’s face.  He zeroes in on the ventilator.  He breaks out into a cold sweat and his chest gets tight.  The thunder is like a bullet.  Maybe it is a bullet.  His vision narrows in his panic and he sees a bright flash and all of the sudden he is so sad and scared about this guy he doesn’t know in front of him, but also Shannon and he doesn’t know what is happening but he knows it’s bad. 

Chim is in front of him trying to get him to look at him.  Trying to tell him to breathe.  He hears him say through the thunder “Mads I’m calling it.  This isn’t helping either of them.”

And before he knows it, he is being wheeled out of the room.  He blinks and he is back in his old room.  His parents are there waiting for him.  He hears them making a commotion. He wants to leave this place so bad.  He hates it.  He wants to go home. 

“Take me home please! Please I just want to go home! I wanna go back I can’t… I can’t be…Please!”. 

Maddie and Chim look upset.  He feels like he messed up again.  But his parents don’t look upset with him.  His mother gets an encouraging smile on her face and asks “Home like Texas?  Do you want to come home with us to El Paso?” 

He nods his head unable to speak.  Where else would he mean? It’s the only home he’s ever known.  He needs to go home to El Paso. 

“Yes.”

Chapter Text

Chris is broken hearted to leave Los Angeles.  Eddie knows that. Four days ago in the hospital when he decided to leave Los Angeles he was feeling so much more confused.  He didn’t at all know what to do with himself at the time. He let his parents handle everything for him which he kind of regrets. Apparently he hasn’t been a teenager in a lot longer than he thought. 

If he had a bit more wherewithal he wouldn’t have asked Chris to leave LA like he did. Now that he can stay awake for a respectable amount of hours he sees the damage that choice is doing, but he just doesn’t know what to do with himself. 

Chris swears he is happy to be with his dad when Eddie asks if he is alright with going home with him. He said “Dad, you’ve gone to the ends of the earth for me, I can go to Texas for you.”

He really doesn’t deserve that boy.  He wonders how he became so wonderful without Shannon.  It must just be in his nature.  Or maybe it was some of the people in all the pictures all over his house.  

Those days in the hospital made Eddie want to crawl of out his skin. He needed to get as far away from this whole situation as possible. In that time they made plans. Once discharged they would spend a few days at his house. They will leave the house in tact. It won’t be forever, maybe. Eddie has the wherewithal to know he shouldn’t make any permanent decisions right now. 

His mom and Chris will fly. Long car rides aren’t good for Chris. But the flight won’t be good for Eddie with his brain injury and pressure shifts. So he will be driven out by his father and sister. Eddie plans to spend the 12 hours drugged to the gills and hopefully asleep. He wants to wake up in El Paso and a decade ago. 

When he was in the hospital this was all he wanted, to get on the road immediately. He had no interest in seeing his house here. 

Now that he has been discharged and is staying at what is apparently his very lived-in home it seems like he has a full life in Los Angeles.  Every inch of the house is full of personal touches and keepsakes. Everything feels chosen. Eddie doesn’t think he’s felt chosen a day in his life.  

That’s not true. Shannon made him feel chosen. She was so bright and fun and kind and he couldn’t believe that a girl like that could ever like him back.  Before Chris was born she was his favorite person. She made him a man and a father. There is no way to repay that debt. He missed her at war but it’s nothing like this.  

He spends a lot of time looking at a picture of the three of them at the beach. From what Eddie knows about the timeline it must have been taken shortly before she died. They looked happy. That’s something at least. 

Eddie looks happy in a lot of the pictures actually. There are so many photos of so many different people all through the house and in all the pictures Eddie is smiling.  Of course that’s what you do in a picture so it shouldn’t feel like such a big thing. But it really looks like Eddie’s life is full of wonderful loving people who bring him joy. Granted he hasn’t really had any visitors. He suspects his mother has something to do with that fact.  And he knows he should be mad, but he just doesn’t know if he can handle anyone else looking at him with an endless cycle of anticipation and disappointment. 

There is one person in particular however, who stars in a vast majority of the pictures.  

Everyone told Eddie that he and Buck were close, but he still couldn’t anticipate just how ingrained he seems to be in every single aspect of he and Chris’s life.  He’s in every photo. Buck’s handwriting features prominently on his calendar and in notes left all over the house.  He even has some of his clothes mixed in with Eddie’s.  Eddie doesn’t understand this; how someone could be such a huge part of his life and be completely nonexistent in his memories.

He wishes he were able to talk to Buck, hear his voice.  He wants Buck to explain everything himself. 

But every time he even thinks about going to visit him in the hospital he feels a panic attack begin to creep in. And even if he could go, the man is still dead to the world.  Apparently the chances of him waking up get slimmer and slimmer everyday.  Apparently his whole right side was effectively fucked. He has a broken arm and leg, a fractured pelvis, a bunch of broken ribs, one of which pierced his lung which has since led to all kinds of complications.  And Eddie found out that by the time they found the men under the rubble Buck had stopped breathing.  They don’t know how long he went without oxygen but it must have been a while because he still isn’t awake.  As a result there may be substantial brain damage, but they won’t know until he wakes up, if he wakes up.   

Unlike Eddie, Christopher is having no problem visiting the man.  He is actually a nervous wreck if he goes too long without visiting Buck in the hospital.  Adriana or Peppa always volunteer to take him while his parents stay with Eddie at the house.  Eddie feels so ill-equipped to be there for Christopher in the way he knows his son needs him to be right now.  The shame is killing him.  

His parents are out running some final errands before the big group departure tomorrow when Christopher returns from his final trip from the hospital before they leave for Texas in the morning.  

He walks in with an older man.  Adrianna took him to the hospital but she did not bring him home.  Eddie shoots up in alarm to see his son crying escorted in by a stranger.

The man enters the room, his arm around the shoulder of a teary and red faced Christopher. Eddie shoots up to see his son so upset. 

“What happened Chris? Are you okay son?” 

“He’ll be alright. It was just a hard visit.” Then the man looks down to his son and says “But it wasn’t a goodbye. It was just ‘see you later’. Right Christopher?”

Chris nods his head and utters out a small “Yeah, thanks Bobby.” 

The man holds his hand out in introduction. “I’m Robert Nash.  But everyone calls me Bobby.”

“Hi Bobby, who the hell are you and why do you have my son?”   

“Dad!” Christopher exclaims looking equal parts shocked, embarrassed and apologetic.  “You can’t talk to Bobby like that!”

“It’s okay Christopher.  Do you think you could give me a few minutes to talk to your dad alone?” Chris nods and heads to his room.  He looks back to Bobby when he reaches the door and Bobby nods back at him reassuringly.  He finally recognizes the man from the photos in his house.  Eddie is starting to suspect he’s been set up. 

“I’m sorry I know this must be alarming.  I used to be your captain.  You and Buck’s.  I was visiting with him when Chris showed up to visit, I told your sister I would bring him home.  I wanted to see you.  Is that alright with you?”

“I guess.  So you’re my captain huh?”

“Uh, no, not anymore.  That’s Chimney now.  These days I’m actually the chief.”

“Chief huh? Must be a pretty big deal.” 

“Not really” Bobby shrugs.

“You must at least be a really good chief to care so much. To be there for all your firefighters like this.” 

“Well you aren’t just any firefighters. Buck is uh…well he’s like a son to me. Something I look forward to telling him when he wakes up” Bobby says and Eddie is able to see how tired the man looks.

“Oh. I’m sorry he’s hurt then.” Bobby looks at him in a way that feels like he’s looking through Eddie.  Like he’s looking at something Eddie can’t see. 

“I’m sorry too. For both of you. You have no idea how sorry.” 

“You’re right. I don’t.”  It shouldn’t, but it stings. That makes Bobby look a little ashamed. 

“I’m sorry Eddie. I’m a little tired and not thinking clearly. That wasn’t very sensitive of me.” Eddie appreciates his candor. He seems like a good guy. Eddie wishes he knew him. 

“Do you um…do you think he’ll be alright?”

“Depends. But I’m praying.”

“Depends on what?”

“Depends on things that may be out of my control unfortunately.”  Eddie feels sick.  He hears the thunder in his head getting louder.  He hates himself so much right now.  He needs to ask. 

“Bobby, does it depend on me?” 

Bobby sniffs and looks up at the ceiling.  He takes a big breath and sits down to look Eddie in the eye. 

“I don’t know. Maybe. Look, we were asked not to tell you too much too quickly, and I understand that what you know already is too much to take in.  So I’m not going to tell you about you, I’m going to tell you about me.  I’m from Minnesota originally, lived there my whole life.  I was married to the best woman in the world, two absolutely incredible kids.  But I had secrets.  I had secret addictions that came from firefighting, scars nobody could see, pain that I didn’t know how to touch without pills and booze.  One day I got sloppy and made a mistake, forgot to turn off a space heater.  The full results of that mistake are too horrible to burden you with right now, but my wife and children died.” 

That’s gotta be the worst thing Eddie has ever heard.

“Now you may not know yourself right now, but I know you Eddie Diaz.  And I know that right now you feel like a failure.  You think you failed your wife, and you think you failed your son.  But I know what it is to fail your family.  I know it better than anyone.  So I know you didn’t.  And I know what kind of man you are and how you have lived your life.  There was nothing you could have done to save your wife, it was someone else’s accident that killed her.  And it was an accident that put you in this position now.  You have not failed your son. You never have.”

Eddie is heartbroken for this man and so grateful for him. For the first time in days the thunder is almost completely silent.  

“And Eddie I can’t imagine how impossible this situation is for you, and I wish I could protect you and not put pressure on you right now.  I wish I could just let you do whatever felt easiest in peace, even if it is to go to Texas.  I wish everything wasn’t so hard.  But I can’t do that.  I can’t do that because I love you too much.” 

Eddie is so afraid of what Bobby is going to say next, but it feels right to be treated like a human man instead of a glass figurine. 

“Do not take Buck away from your son.  Do not take that boy 800 miles away from his hero in a moment where Chris is desperate to be there for him too.  Those two, you don’t understand, I know that, but they save each other. They need each other, and if being here for Buck, standing by him in his moment of greatest need is the last thing that Chris can do for him, then don’t take that away from him.”

Eddie is crying.  He doesn’t know when he started, but he is aware of the tears running down his face.  He feels his chest loosen ever so slightly, which is very strange because he is terrified of everything Bobby is saying.  

“But moreover Eddie, I believe with my whole heart that you will remember one day.  And when you do, if you are in Texas and we god forbid, lose Buck when you are not with him, even though it’s not your fault, I know you will never forgive yourself.  And as a man who will never, ever forgive himself, I can tell you that I wouldn’t wish that upon my worst enemy, least of all you.” 

Eddie is crying so hard and feeling so much better.  

“I don’t know how to do any of this on my own.” He cries out.

“You won’t be alone Eddie I promise you. We’ll all have your back.” 

Something Bobby said sends recognition through him, but it disappears almost faster than it came on.  But he takes that as a sign.

He doesn’t understand how this is possible, but he finally feels something  like clarity and he is not about to throw that away. He makes his second rash choice this week.

“I’m staying.”

Bobby rushes forward and folds Eddie into a hug that makes Eddie feel safer than he has in his entire adult life as far as he knows.   

When they pull away Eddie looks at the man and wonders how he can still be strong enough to be there for him like this after such a loss.  Apparently he says this out loud.  God damn brain injury.

“I had help. I had help from the same people who helped you grieve and recover the first time.  Hen, Chim, and Buck.  Especially Buck—for both of us.  Then the most important part was I fell in love again. I fell in love with someone who saw all of me and wasn’t just accepting, but loved me for all the parts of myself I couldn’t imagine anyone seeing let alone loving. Love saved me, pulled me back from a very dark abyss.  I know the situation feels like something you can’t come back from but here’s how you do it. I need you to trust someone.”

“Who? You?”

“No. You. Trust yourself.  Trust the life you built.  Believe in yourself enough to fall back on the people you have chosen to surround yourself with over and over.   We all want to be there for you, desperately.  Please let us.  You are not alone.  Chris is not alone. You will never be alone as long as I am alive.”  

“Bobby was I…” Eddie can’t ask the question he wants.  It’s too selfish, to unimportant at a time when there is so much going on. 

“It’s okay Eddie, what is it?”

“Was I happy?”

“Yeah. Yeah you were.  Before this accident you were the happiest I’d ever seen you.” 

“I want that” he breaths out, ashamed at his confession, but earnest.  “How do I get back there?”

“Love.  It’s the only way.  Let yourself love and be loved.”

His parents return shortly after he stops crying.  Bobby is there with him and has agreed to stay with him to support his decision to stay in Los Angeles and answer any concerns his parents might have.  Eddie feels very shaky and a little crazy to try and stay in a house where he doesn’t know so much as where he keeps the passwords or where he buys groceries, but Bobby assures him that his people will help him figure everything out.  

Telling them doesn’t go super well.  Not that he thought it would. 

“Eddie we can’t just stay here forever and how are you supposed to take care of Chris when you barely know your own name?”

“I know my own name mom!” He knows it’s a turn of phrase but at a point like this when his name is one of the few things he actually does know he really doesn’t appreciate the snide remark. 

Bobby interjects “Chris is a teenager, he can help take care of himself. He’s a good kid. And Eddie has help. We’re all here for him even if you have to go back to Texas.” At this point Eddie is starting to wish they would. 

“Don’t think we don’t know what you’re up to.” Helena sharply cuts to Bobby. What the hell is she talking about?

“Look at him! Do you think he can deal with any of that right now? He can barely get through the day and you expect him to take on all of that as well!” 

“Take on what?” Eddie tries to ask but no one hears him. There is something massive he’s missing. He’s known it since he woke up. There is a massive piece of the puzzle that nobody will tell him. He feels terrified. 

“Nobody is expecting him to take on more than he can handle, but you can’t expect him to just walk away from his whole life with the expectation that it will never matter. He’s going to remember one day! What then?”

“You don’t even care about Eddie! It’s very clear where your priorities lie!”

What the hell is she talking about? Is Bobby not to be trusted? Is his mother not to be trusted? Is there anyone he can trust? 

Yes. There is. Himself. He can trust himself. 

“Mom stop! Bobby is my friend. He wouldn’t be here if he weren’t. Chris wouldn’t trust him if he weren’t.” 

“Eddie, sweetie, you don’t understand—“

“Helena.” His father cuts her off. “His captain is a good man. Eddie trusts him. Stop trying to…just stop.” 

Now she’s pissed. 

“He doesn’t remember anything! And you think he can take care of himself, his son, and a brain dead-“

“That’s enough!” Ramon calls out. At his mother’s words Bobby’s face lost all color. 

It’s Buck. His mother wants to get him away from Buck. What the hell? 

“Helena, he may not remember what came before right now but he will always remember all this. You better watch yourself.”

“He is right here. Stop talking about me like I’m not in the room! And it’s Buck isn’t it? You’re trying to keep me away from Buck. Why are you doing that?” 

“We’re not trying to keep you-“

“Yes you are! Why don’t you want me to know him?! Look around this house! He is everywhere, absolutely everywhere! I may not know all the questions but I know he’s the answer and you’re trying to keep us apart. And I want to know why?”

He looks at their faces. They are shut down. But Bobby looks proud. It reassures him.  They still aren’t talking. 

“Bobby will you take me back to the hospital with you tomorrow? I want to go sit with Buck.” 

“Absolutely kid.” 

“Mom, Dad, I think you should go stay at Peppa’s tonight. I want to be by myself for a bit.”

“Eddie—“

“Mom. Please. I may not know much but I know what I want.” 

“Alright son.” his father says.  “We’re going to grab our things and head over. Call us in the morning alright?” 

“Yeah.” Eddie appreciates his father’s understanding.  This feels new for them.  Maybe it’s not.  Either way he’ll take it.  

A few minutes after they leave Christopher comes out of his room and when Eddie tells them they’re staying Chris breaks down in tears. Eddie shoots forward to gather his son in his arms and Chris just squeezes him tightly and says “Things can be okay now. Everything is gonna get better— I know it!”.

Chris calms down after a few minutes and then it’s just him, Eddie and Bobby sitting in the living room.  Bobby is telling Eddie about his life as a firefighter. 

“Then you run up and start scaling the house, like actually scaling it!” 

“You never told me this story!” 

“Well I can understand why” Eddie replies a little abashed at his own recklessness, but honestly pretty impressed.  He sounds kind of like a bad ass.  

“Nah, you should be proud.  I probably shouldn’t say that though.  Even that day Buck said something like ‘If I did that you’d yell at me’, which is fair.  But I always trust your instincts Eddie, even though you’re just as crazy as he is.” 

“Crazier” Chris replies.  Chris is fun. And smart.  He loves spending time with him.  He still wants to throw up about 35 times a day that he blinked and his baby is almost fully grown, but he loves getting to know Chris.  Eddie is pretty sure he’s the best kid on the planet. 

“Aren’t you supposed to respect your father?” Chris breaks out into a wide smile, one of the widest he’s seen since he’s woken up.  It feels good. 

Just then Bobby’s phone rings.  He pulls it out immediately.  Bobby’s face freezes. 

“It’s Chim” he says.  Chris looks suddenly terrified as well.  Eddie reaches over to take his son’s hand offering him comfort. 

Bobby answers with a brisk “Chim what happened?” And there is silence for a few terrible moments.  Bobby’s face gives nothing away.  “What do they think it means?” He finally says. More silence.  The wait is excruciating. “Okay I’ll be there shortly.  I’ll update everyone on the way” and he hangs up. 

“What happened? Is Buck..” Chris trails off.

“Okay, so he’s fighting the ventilator.  It could mean there is a new problem in his lungs, but they said it could also mean he’s coming around.” 

“What?! I wanna come with you!” Chris shoots to his feet.  Eddie follows behind by a second. 

“I know you do and you will soon, but right now things are a little confusing and his parents are there and it’s all a bit overwhelming for Maddie and Chim.  If he is waking up I promise we will get you there soon Chris. We know the drill.  He’ll need his best friend there.” Bobby says smiling at Chris. 

Chris is Buck’s best friend? The thought warms his heart.  God he hopes this guy wakes up soon.  

He really needs to meet him.  

Chapter Text

The next morning Bobby comes back.  

Eddie is in the kitchen.  He didn’t sleep much last night.  His head is killing him. Adriana slept over on the couch.  She answers the door to him.  

“Morning Bobby” Adriana says. Bobby looks lighter than yesterday. Eddie hopes that’s good news. 

“Good morning Adriana” apparently Bobby and Adri have developed a familiarity in the times she has taken Chris to visit Buck. 

“Is Chris awake?” Bobby asks. Hearing the commotion Chris comes out of his room. He looks more well rested than he’s been since Eddie has seen him. 

“Bobby? How is he?” Chris calls out as he makes his way down the hall. 

“Alright come in, take a seat, I’ll explain everything.” Everyone makes their way to the living room and sits down. 

“So I’m very happy to report that he is waking up. He’s been showing signs of awareness and responding to stimuli.  He was even able to answer questions by blinking. It’s a very, very good sign. He is still on the ventilator because of his lungs. That has him agitated, which I get. He’s still kind of disoriented but if you wanted to go see him I think it would mean a lot. Especially you Eddie. I think he remembers some of the accident and I think he’ll feel better once he sees that you’re okay too. We told him you were alright but it would definitely calm him down to see you.”

Before Eddie has time to even think about it Chris shoots up with an “I’ll go get ready.”

Once Eddie, Adriana and Bobby are alone an awkwardness settles over the room that Eddie doesn’t understand.  Typical. 

“Is there something else? Something you didn’t want to say in front of Chris?”

“Uh, honestly Eddie I’m not sure. There’s just so much to say and I just don’t really know what the right thing to do is.” Bobby says. His phone buzzes. He looks at it rubs his forehead and puts it away. 

“If there is something going on that I need to know about then I should know.” 

“Well…okay. There is one thing.” Adriana says. 

“I mean as far as I’m concerned in the last week my wife died, I’m fresh out of Afghanistan, I’m getting to know my son for the first time, and I’m living halfway across the country from everyone I’ve ever known, my apparent best friend was on the brink of death and just for fun I have a traumatic brain injury. What the hell guys— let her rip!”

“Okay, I’m sensing sarcasm?” Adriana genuinely asks. 

“No, I’m fully serious. I’m so far past fucked up right now let’s just rip the band aid off. Let me guess I have a girlfriend?” 

“Well actually…” Adriana starts. 

“Fuck! I knew it! I was afraid of this. What’s her name and number? Or has it been too long and I have to do it in person?”

“Do what in person?” Adri asks.

“I need to let her know we’re breaking up immediately.”

“Eddie…” Adriana seems to be struggling. Good. Welcome to the club. 

“What Adri?”

“What if the person you’re with is actually amazing and you really love them?” 

“I don’t.” 

“Eddie-“ she starts again.

“I don’t!” He shouts. How is she not getting this? 

“I don’t love her! The woman I love died. My Shannon! The only woman I’ve ever loved. The only person who actually knows me, my childhood sweetheart! My best friend! Chris’s mom! And there’s no goodbye. There’s nothing. She’s dust. It’s been a decade. There’s nothing left of her except our son. And I am hanging on by a thread Adriana, like a single fucking thread. I have just enough in me to keep it together in front of my kid, visit this guy in the hospital and maybe learn my address and phone number at some point. So yeah. Sorry to whatever her name is, but I couldn’t be less interested in a relationship. If I could dump her without ever learning her name that would be ideal but I can’t so tell me what I need to know to handle this without hurting another innocent victim of this unbelievably fucked up situation that I’ve found myself in.” 

Bobby and Adriana look at each other. They seem to be deciding something between them. Eddie is getting really fucking sick of being on the outs of every single decision about him.

“I was trying to say you don’t have a girlfriend…so nothing to worry about.” Adriana looks like she’s telling the truth. But how would he know. He thought she was a kid and now she’s a fully grown adult woman with a car and a job and a life. 

Eddie doesn’t know what to think but he’ll take her word for the time being because that’s what he wants to be true. 

“Whatever, I’m gonna go get dressed.” 

For an insane moment Eddie wishes he were the one in the coma. He knows it terrible, but he wishes he was asleep somewhere so deep this reality didn’t exist. He wonders briefly if perhaps he is in fact the one in a coma. People have dreams in comas right? 

Eddie decides there is no way of knowing. 

Regardless of his state of consciousness the only way out is through so he pulls his pants on and changes his shirt. 

When he gets to the living room Bobby has his hand on the shoulder of a very downtrodden looking Chris. 

“What the hell happened now?” Eddie asks. God he’s unpleasant these days. 

“Nothing Eddie, I was just telling Chris that Maddie texted me and she thinks we should hold off on Chris coming. She floated the idea to Buck and he seemed to react negatively to it. We think having Christopher see him like that will just make him more agitated.” 

“Chris has been going all week!” Eddie wants Chris to have what he wants. It’s the least he can do.

“But Buck doesn’t know that.  We need to try our best to respect Buck’s needs just like we’re trying to respect yours.” 

Eddie has never met anyone this reasonable, it’s disarming. 

He looks to Chris apologetically. “I’m sorry buddy. Are you alright?”

“Yeah. I get it. But when you get there you have to call me so I can talk to him on the phone. Even if he can’t talk back alright?”

“Of course Chris. You’re the best medicine in the world for Buck. I’ll call you the minute we get there. Eddie, we should go.”

His son gives a little teary nod. Eddie can’t help himself. he rushes forward and places a hard kiss to the crown of his son’s head. Eddie is overcome with love. Christopher is such a good kid! 

Eddie really doesn’t understand how he could have ended up with such and incredible young man. Sure he was an amazing baby. Always smiling, so sweet, so happy despite everything. But this kid? He is one in a billion. Golden to his core. He’s never met anyone like him. “I love you so much buddy! We’ll call you in a few.”

Bobby and Eddie head out the door. They drive in silence for a few moments. Eddie is trying to school the thunder in his head. Bobby’s voice cuts through. 

“How are you doing Eddie?” 

Eddie shrugs. It’s the best he can do. 

“You’ll be okay. If it’s too much we can go.” 

“Shouldn’t you be worrying about Buck right now?”

“I am. I have the capacity to be terribly worried about both of you thank you very much.  But I also know Buck inside out and I know that he will need you to be okay at any cost. So if it’s too much we leave.”

“Okay. Does he know? About me?” 

“No. We haven’t told him yet. He’s kind of in between at the moment and there is no point in explaining when he’s this out of it. Once the vent is out and he’s a bit more awake I’ll explain what’s going on.”

“Okay.” Eddie doesn’t know if he likes that or hates that. It will be nice to be around someone who doesn’t know how broken he is.

“There’s one thing Eddie. You guys are, well, you’re pretty touchy feely. And Buck is a pretty tactile guy anyway.  He has often been likened to a giant golden retriever. I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or pressure you to do anything, but if when you get there you could hold his hand maybe? I think he would be confused if you didn’t and he’s being such a trooper with everything else, we’re just trying to keep him really calm. Is that something you would be okay with?”

What can Eddie say to that? He was just at war. The things he was being commanded to do there were utterly horrific. This guy thinks respectfully asking him to hold an injured man’s hand is an imposition? Eddie has never been treated this gently before. He has never had this much agency. It’s kind of nice. 

“Yeah, of course. That’s easy!”

It’s not so easy. When they get there two women he hasn’t met yet, but has seen in photos are standing by the bed. He hears Bobby lowly say “Introductions in the hall after”. 

He walks up to the bed and a beautiful bald woman with big glasses smiles at him. He likes her instantly. She looks back down to Buck and says “Alright Buckaroo, I’m about to become very old news. Look who’s here!”

She takes her hand out of Buck’s and puts it on Eddie’s shoulder to guide him forward.

The thunder in Eddie’s head is near deafening, but he won’t panic. He is alright. He has a job to do. 

He doesn’t hesitate he holds Buck’s hand.

Immediately something in him loosens. A phantom anxiety he can’t name but has been present since he woke up is gone so fast he can almost forget it was there. 

Eddie looks from their joined hands to the blue eyes that are blinking heavily at him. 

They’re beautiful. Eddie is overcome looking at them. The thunder lessens.

What the hell? Who is this guy? 

“Hi Buck”. That earns him a gentle squeeze of his hand. He’s not sure how but between the squeeze and the look in his eyes Eddie understands what he is asking. 

“I’m okay. I’m a hell of a lot better off than you that’s for sure.” Buck gives his hand another meaningful squeeze. Eddie feels the safest he’s been since he woke up in this strange new world. 

“Hey Buck, Chris is aching to talk to you. Can we call him?” Buck squeezes his hand then goes for his phone before realizing he still doesn’t have one. Why doesn’t he have one? He looks to Bobby who already has his phone out and is dialing. Bobby walks to the other side of the bed, the one with Buck’s arm and leg in a cast and puts the phone on speaker by Buck’s ear. 

The call connects after one ring.

“Hey Chris,” Bobby says “we have someone here who’s very happy to hear from you!”

“Hi Buck!” At the words Buck’s eyes instantly fill up with tears. Holy shit this guy loves his kid. Like a lot.

“I’m sorry you’re hurt but I’m so glad you’re awake!” The tears run down Bucks cheeks onto his pillow. Bafflingly, Eddie takes it upon himself to gently wipe the tears off Bucks cheeks. It’s so intimate. But it feels natural. Makes sense, Bobby said Buck was a touchy feely guy. 

“I know you’re probably feeling really scared right now Buck but you’re going to be okay. You know what you have to do right? Just keep swimming. Right? Just keep swimming. You’re gonna be okay kid.” 

Buck is squeezing Eddie’s hand so tightly and his face is flooded with tears. He squeezes his eyes shut. Eddie scratches his scalp and starts pushing back Buck’s hair in an attempt to comfort him. The movements come naturally to him and only once he is settled into a rhythm does that strike him as odd. 

“He heard you son” Bobby says “he loves you too. I think he’s going to take a little nap and we’ll call you later okay?” 

“Okay. I’ll see you soon Buck. I love you so much!” 

And Bobby hangs up the phone. Buck opens his eyes and looks to Eddie. Eddie looks back. For a few minutes there is no one else in the room. Eddie is understanding what Buck is feeling. A love and gratefulness for Christopher that is overwhelming. Through this entire process Christopher has been the only thing that has kept the world spinning for Eddie. It seems that Buck feels the same way. 

Eddie doesn’t know anything else about Buck other than he loves his son in the same way he does. And that’s enough. Buck has Eddie’s undying friendship and loyalty from here on out for the way he loves his son. 

Eddie is a bit lost in Buck’s eyes. They feel like home. He has needed this. Then the eyes start falling under heavy blinks. Eddie can tell he’s trying to fight sleep.

“Don’t do that,” Eddie says “you need to sleep. Just sleep. It’s okay.” And immediately after Eddie has given his permission Bucks eyes close and the grip on his hand loosens. Eddie runs his thumb over the back of Buck’s hand when a realization hits him. The thunder was gone. When he and Buck were looking at each other his head was quiet. He only realized because the rumbling is back. 

“You okay?” The woman with the glasses asks. 

Eddie nods his head and looks up to her. She is looking at him lovingly. He asks the only thing he can in that moment. 

“You and me…we’re uh…we’re friends right?”

“No.” She replies. Eddie is surprised. “We’re more like family.” Eddie feels that to be completely true. 

“I’m Hen. Henrietta Wilson. I’m your paramedic partner at the 118. And my son Denny is lifelong friends with Chris.” 

“Oh. That’s really nice to hear. Hi Hen.”

“Hi Eddie.”

“And I’m Athena” says the other woman in the room. She is slightly older and now that Eddie is paying attention, one of the most beautiful people he’s ever seen up close.  That being said she has an air about her that Eddie wouldn’t fuck with.  “I’m Bobby’s wife.”

“Oh no way. Bobby’s great!” It’s a stupid thing to say maybe, but it’s true. 

“Don’t I know it? It’s really good to see you up and about Eddie. You gave us quite a scare too.” 

Hen speaks up with an“Eddie let’s take a walk and let Buck rest hm?”

Eddie can’t stop thinking about Buck. He’s sitting in the hospital cafeteria talking to Hen. He’s trying to listen to her. He is enjoying every second in her company but his brain keeps drifting to the blue eyes upstairs. 

“Go figure.” Hen says “you don’t even know him and you’re completely stuck.” She seems to have caught onto his distraction. 

“Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.” 

“I know you do.” And she reaches across the table to take his hand. 

“So ask away.” She says.

“Ask what?”

“Anything you want.”

Eddie appreciates the offer but where does he begin?

“Okay um…Am I a bad person.”

“You are definitely a very good person. Across the board. As your friend I’ll tell you you can be a bit messy from time to time. But you’re good all the way through.”

“Oh. That’s good.”

“So what else?”

“Is Chris happy?” 

“Yes. Before this all happened he was very happy, and he’s really strong and he’ll be happy again now that you both are going to recover.”

Both. Key word. He can’t go more than four or five sentences without Buck coming into it. What is their deal? Is it normal? But how can he ask that without sounding crazy? 

“Do you have a best friend?”

Hen gives a knowing smile. Damn she really knows him. It’s kind of great. 

“I do. Chim is my best friend, Athena is also my best friend, and I’d be remiss to not say my wife Karen is also my best friend. You’d be up there too if I didn’t think someone else calling you their best friend would get Buck peeing on their rug to mark his territory.” She rolls her eyes. 

Wife huh? That’s cool. He never knew any gay people in Texas really. He’s glad he isn’t close minded or weird about it.  Not that he thought he would be, but he is glad he isn’t a product of his environment at least. The idea of having gay friends excites him. 

“Are you friends with Buck too?” 

“He’s the annoying little brother I never asked for. But he’s grown into one of the finest people I know.” 

“What’s he like?” 

“First thing you need to know about Buck is that he loves hard. There’s nothing he won’t do for the people he loves whether it’s hunting down a murderer, defying the military, moving apartments, or facing down a tsunami.” 

“Wait did he do all that?” 

“Sure did.” 

“Who did he face down a tsunami for?” 

Hen take a deep breath. She looks him directly in the eye when she says “Christopher”. 

Eddie’s brain blanks out. 

“I’m sorry what?”

“Yeah, okay so…” then Hen tells him an absolutely terrifying story about his young son and Buck getting hit with a tsunami wave and Buck rescuing Chris, caring for him, losing him, then wandering the streets injured, alone and on blood thinners looking for him to the point of physical collapse.  Eddie hates the story, but he’s beginning to understand the breadth of the relationship between his son and Buck. 

“And they’ve been pretty inseparable ever since.  I know it seems like prying, but are you still thinking about going to Texas?” 

“I don’t know, not right now. I really don’t want to uproot Christopher, but I don’t know if I’m equipped to take care of him myself like this.  And if my memories don’t come back soon I’m going to need more help than I can ask for here.” 

“You don’t have to ask. We’re here for you. It’s understood.”

“ I appreciate the sentiment, but I can’t just take and take and take from a bunch of strangers, I’m sorry I know I’m not a stranger to you but you’re a stranger to me. A stranger I instantly like very much, but a stranger nonetheless.” 

“You may not know us but we love you. And you have me and Karen always here to help with Chris in any way you need. He and Denny are always happy to spend time and we’re always happy to have him. You already know Bobby. There’s nothing he and Athena wouldn’t do for you. And Maddie and Chimney have an awful lot on their plates at the moment, but I know Chim would do anything he could to help, as would Maddie.”

“I don’t…”

“And then there’s Buck.”

“Yeah he’s gonna need a lot of help too-“

“No, well yes, he definitely is. But if you think you’ll be able to stop him from helping you you’re in for a nasty shock.” 

“What?” He can’t imagine Buck helping him in his current state or even thinking about helping him. Doesn’t he have enough to worry about? 

“Eddie the minute that boy can function he is going to be making your recovery his full time job.  He’s going to make it our full time job to make sure he’s focusing on his own recovery enough too. And like yes, with the practical physical stuff he won’t be much help, like he can’t drive you places, and he’s going to need a lot of help with basic physical things, but I don’t imagine there are very many holes in your life that he can’t help you fill. And I think he’s going to need a lot of help from an able bodied individual who currently cannot work.”

Eddie is understanding the opportunity here. He has a body, but his brain is a mess. Buck’s body is in rough shape, but all signs lead to him having full awareness. 

Maybe, just maybe, they could have each other’s backs? 

Chapter Text

Buck is in and out of consciousness for the next two days. Everyone is still worried and very eager to gauge the level of damage his injuries may have done, but they also don’t want him to suffer too much on the ventilator.

Eddie spends a lot of time with Buck while he can’t talk. He knows that once they can converse the jig will be up and Buck will have to know that Eddie is broken and the comfort he feels in Buck’s presence will be lost to him just like everything else.

Buck stays awake for longer than he did initially and he seems really present.  They don’t talk about Eddie, well, Buck doesn’t actually talk at all.  Eddie mostly just shows up, gabs about Chris until Buck gets too tired to stay awake then he falls asleep to Eddie scratching his head or running his fingers up and down the inside of Buck’s good arm. It relaxes Buck, but probably only half as much as it relaxes Eddie.

The day finally arrives for the ventilator to come out.  Maddie, Chim, Bobby and Buck’s parents, who Eddie has not met, are there. 

Bobby calls Eddie to tell him that Buck is breathing on his own and was able to answer questions, confirming that his cognitive abilities remain in tact.  Eddie is so happy to hear that.  Happier than he was expecting.  There was a minute where he wondered if Buck not knowing anything in the way he did, would make him feel less lonely.  But the fear and constant confusion is something Eddie would not wish on anyone, least of all the man who seems to be the only thing that makes him feel safe. 

Chris is immediately brought to the hospital to see Buck.  Neither of them can wait a minute longer.  Eddie will arrive later. 

Now that Buck is a bit more cognizant they decide it’s time to tell him about Eddie.  Chris actually asked to be there with Buck when he found out.  He says it’s important for Buck to have one of them there to keep him from getting scared. Eddie is not entirely sure what that means but it’s Chris so he’s in complete agreement with everything he says.

Eddie is sitting on the couch phone in hand, waiting for whoever to call him and say that Buck needs his space, and that he doesn’t want Eddie around.  Eddie wanted so badly to keep spending time with the man but his recovery is going to be completely overwhelming, he can’t possibly have the patience and energy to deal with Eddie.

His piece dream of them recovering together was crazy.  Eddie is no help to anyone. His parents understood that.  He was crazy for sending them back to Texas.  They should be here to see him clearly. 

Finally, it’s Bobby who calls.

“Hi Eddie.” He sounds really tired. To say Eddie feels like a piece of shit for putting them all through this is beyond redundant at this point.

“How is he?”

“He’s…well he seems mostly worried about you. No surprise there.”

“Yeah but how is he really? Is he okay? Is there something I can do to help him?”

Bobby lets out a little huff of a laugh.

“It was a lot to hear. It’s a bit of a blow, but honestly having Chris with him helped. He worked his magic on Buck and kept him from catastrophizing too much. If I could bottle what your son has and give it to Buck in daily doses my job as captain would have been a whole lot easier. He’s a hell of a kid Eddie. You should be so proud.”

“I had nothing to do with it” Eddie says and means it.

“Everything Eddie. You have everything to do with it.”

Eddie doesn’t want to have this conversation again. “So what now? Should I come see him?”

“Well, now that he can communicate a bit better I think they’re going to up his pain meds a little. He doesn’t really want them which is equal parts frustrating and reassuring” reassuring of what? “But it’s clear he’s in a lot of pain. So he’s pretty knocked out right now and probably will be to the end of visiting hours which is good. The more time he’s asleep the less time we have to fight him to stay still.”

“But tomorrow should I come there?”

“We’ll see tomorrow.”

“Right.” He knew it.  Buck doesn’t want an empty shell clanking around.

“Hey, Eddie, he loves you very much. That hasn’t changed. He’s just going through a lot.“

Two days later Eddie arrives at Buck’s hospital room. He knocks and when Buck catches sight of him a huge smile breaks out on his face until he schools his expression into something more neutral.

“Uh…hi” Eddie says like a fucking weirdo.

“Hi Eddie. Are you…how are you?”

“You’re asking me? How am I? No man look at you! How are you?”

“We can both be messed up Eddie. I’m sore and pissed and scared and really, really worried about you. So I’ll ask again, how are you?”

Eddie wants to shrug it off but Buck’s honesty makes him want to be honest as well. “I’m uh. I’m confused. And scared. I was in an active war zone one minute then the next I was in Los Angeles of all places, my baby son is almost completely grown and trying to take care of me, which feels terrible by the way. My wife died. She died. And I feel completely insane because I feel like I’m the only one who thinks it’s a big deal. I feel like I’m caught in the twilight zone and I can’t get out. And if I can’t get out then I just need to disappear and I can’t.”

Buck looks really upset at that. Eddie is glad he took the shine right off. He doesn’t want Buck thinking he’s something he’s not. He feels like nothing and he wishes he were even less. Buck should know that.

“I can’t understand exactly how you’re feeling but I know about loss. I’ve lost people before. Hell, its not the same thing but I had a boyfriend actually; before all this.  And I…I lost him. I still love him though.  So much.  And I’m pretty sure I always will.  Don’t think I’ll ever be able to love anyone else again actually.  So I just…I want you to know I’m not expecting you to just move on. You need to feel what you need to feel Eds. And I’ll be here- we’ll all be here for…whatever you need. Okay?”

“It was years ago, I feel like I’m not supposed to… I’m honestly just hoping I get my memories back soon so it can feel that way.  So it can feel old and healed.  I don’t think I can wait years to stop feeling like I’m drowning.”

Buck looks at Eddie with those big blue  eyes of his. They look sad. “I’m so sorry you’re going through this Eddie.  So sorry.”  Eddie believes him.  And it makes him feel less alone.  Being around Buck always does.  “And listen I know I don’t look like much right now, but I can help you, I can. Please let me. I was there with you, back then, when it happened.” Eddie didn’t know that. He hasn’t really pictured the intersection of his old life and his new one. And he certainly never imagined Buck being there when Shannon died. “Let me be with you now, in this. I’m here. Please lean on me.”

Eddie is in awe of this guy; broken to bits and trying to support Eddie. He fully gets what all the fuss is about. “I think you might be the one who needs someone to lean on right now. Physically speaking at least.”

Buck lets out a rueful little laugh. “Yeah, looks like I do.”

“Enough about me. Tell me more about how you’re doing with everything.” Buck looks to be thinking. He looks at his hands, before looking back up at Eddie seemingly having decided something.

“It’s a lot. It’s all really just…a lot.”

“Are you in pain?”

Buck lets out a sad breathy sound.

“You could say that.”

“Do you want more meds?” Eddie rushes up to grab a doctor or nurse or something.

“No, there’s really only one thing I need.”

“What’s that?” Eddie will get it for him, even if he has to hold up a pharmacy.

“Hope. Gotta have hope. And faith.”

Eddie was raised Catholic, but he wouldn’t consider himself religious. But if this guy is then that’s good for him Eddie guesses. He’s gonna need all the help he can get. “You a religious guy Buck?”

“No. But I’m a true believer in something. And if I keep the faith then it’s going to be okay ”

“What do you believe in?”

“Love.”

Eddie doesn’t know why he does it. He really doesn’t.

He rushes forward and folds himself into Buck’s good side.

It’s truly a baffling choice. Eddie has never done anything like this before. But he can just tell that Buck needs it. And he feels that he really needs it too.

Buck turns his head into Eddie and silently lets the tears fall. Eddie strokes his hair in the way that has become customary every time they’re together.

In a move that is not customary Eddie presses a lingering kiss to the birthmark above Buck’s eye. Buck sucks in a breath.

“Hope.” Eddie says like a prayer.

“Hope.” Buck replies.

“Love?” Eddie questions.

“Love.” Buck affirms

Eddie visits Buck everyday until he’s out of the hospital. He sees Buck growing increasingly anxious as the days pass.

“I can’t take it anymore. I just wanna get out of here!”

“You know I never asked— where do you call home?”

Buck looks abashed at the question. Eddie can’t imagine why.

“I’m uh, I’m not going home. I’m going to Bobby’s. He and Athena are gonna let me stay at their place since I’m going to need extra help in the beginning. It was that or a rehab hospital and Bobby was very against that.  He wants me somewhere he can keep an eye on me I’m sure. Which is kind of fair considering everything I’ve put him through.”

“He seems nervous. You can tell me to fuck off, but he’s made comments on the amount of pain meds you’re on. Is that why he’s nervous? Have you had problems with this stuff before?”

Buck doesn’t say anything. What the fuck is Eddie’s problem?

“I’m sorry! That was an insane overstep! And no judgement obviously— I’m military remember, I get how that shit happens.”

“Relax Eddie, it’s fine.  And no, I haven’t had any sort of problem like that. It’s fortunately not something I’ve struggled with. Bobby has though. And I think he just worries about me making the same mistakes as him.”

“Well that makes sense.”

“Why?” Buck looks a little put out.

“You know…you and Bobby.  You’re so similar. You’re clearly cut from the same cloth.”

“Wow. Eddie. That is truly the highest compliment I’ve ever received.”

“I doubt that.”

“No really. That is far and away the best thing anyone has ever said to me.  Truly no one has ever been nicer.”

“Even your perfect boyfriend?” Buck’s eyebrows shoot up at the comment. So do Eddie’s. What the fuck is wrong with him? Why would he say that? And jealously no less! “Sorry! Brain injury! I keep saying dumb things!”

Buck doesn’t look mad or hurt however. He looks surprised and…entertained? Huh.

“Eddie are you…” Buck trails off.  He looks on the brink of a wicked smirk. He never finishes what he says and Eddie is too afraid of what he may say to ask what it is—even though he’s absolutely dying to know.

“Soo…you still gonna hang out with me at Bobby’s?” Buck veers “Or are you just in it for the hospital coffee?”

“Definitely just in it for the coffee. And the antiseptic smell of course.  But now that you mention it I have a proposal for you. What do you say to me hangin’ around and helping you recover? And maybe in return you hang around me? Help me recover?”

Well it’s out there.  Eddie’s hope.  Buck’s gaze is unflinching.

“That’s perfect Eddie. Perfect.”

It’s been one week since Buck was discharged and living at Bobby’s.

Every morning, before logging onto her remote job, Adriana, who has been staying with him, drives Chris to school, then she drops Eddie at Bobby’s to spend the day with Buck so Bobby and Athena can work.  He may not have his memories, but he is an able bodied, trained medical professional.

It feels good to be necessary somewhere. And it feels really good to be around Buck, who may be the best person Eddie has ever met. He’s so funny and fun and smart and cool and brave and kind and strong.

Eddie can’t believe he knows a guy like that let alone gets to be his best friend.

The stories Buck tells about his life; he tells them in a way Eddie can almost imagine being there, in a way that makes him believe he was there.  And this guy really knows every little detail about Eddie.  It’s humbling honestly.

Last week Eddie got a new cellphone. None of his accounts are logged in however since no one knows his passwords and he doesn’t know where he hid them.  Eddie is honestly surprised Buck doesn’t know, but he swore he didn’t when asked.  But a phone means that now he and Buck can text all night and his to access to Buck doesn’t end when he leaves Bobby’s everyday after dinner.

Dinner is Eddie’s favorite part of the day.  Chris comes to Bobby’s after school with Adri and everyone always sits down for a home cooked meal prepared by the chief.  Buck doesn’t have a huge appetite these days, or any appetite really, so getting him to eat can be a bit challenging.  But that’s what he and Chris are for.  Eddie give him a look or teasing comment and Buck will dutifully take bites of his otherwise untouched plate of food.  And when Eddie isn’t enough they pull out the big guns and Chris steps in as Buck is wrapped entirely around his son’s little finger.  It’s wonderful.

That’s not to say Eddie doesn’t have bad days.  He does. There are days when he is so frustrated and scared that even Buck’s reassurances can’t quiet the rumble in his head. 

But Eddie doesn’t feel ashamed because Buck has bad days too.  Eddie can tell he is in more pain than he lets on, particularly in his pelvis down through his leg and sometimes that leaves Buck with a very short temper and defeatist attitude.

“I’m useless!” Buck cries after Eddie has to come into the bathroom one day.  Normally Buck can move himself from the toilet to his chair, but it’s a bad day and he needed to take an extra pain killer and it left him feeling a little weaker than usual. 

“You’re not useless.”  Buck had his underwear and shorts pulled up for modesty when Eddie entered thankfully.

“I can’t even pee standing up!”  Eddie snorts at that.

“Is that your primary use? Peeing when standing?”

“Well..no…but it’s definitely easier!” Buck defends.

“Can’t argue with you there.”

“And I can’t shower! I haven’t had an honest to god shower since before the accident.”

“Well that one’s easy,” Eddie says without thinking “I can help you with that.”

Buck’s face goes blank and simultaneously flushes.  His birthmark darkens to the color of his lips. Eddie likes that.

“Oh, uh, no Eddie, that’s, uh…”

“Oh come on, isn’t there a locker room at the firehouse? I’m sure we’ve seen each other naked before.”

Buck looks away from Eddie very suddenly, but he can still see Buck’s birthmark, the birthmark that is almost purple with how flushed he has become.  Eddie feels his face warm at the sight though he doesn’t actually know why.

“I don’t know if this is a good idea Eds.” He sound kind of serious, more serious than Eddie was ever expecting.

“Buck, can you honestly tell me that a shower right now wouldn’t make you feel a million times better?”

“Yeah it…it would”

“Then come on.  Let me make you feel good.” Eddie did not mean to come off that way, but the way Buck is looking at him makes all the thoughts go out of his brain.  Buck holds eye contact then nods, Eddie swears his eyes looks a little watery even.  He must really need that shower. Eddie excuses himself to get bags for his cast and a plastic chair to put in the shower. 

Buck has less to say than Eddie has ever heard when Eddie gets to his knees in front of Buck to wrap his cast. It almost seems like he is trying to back up and become part of the shower wall.

“You okay bud?” Eddie asks.

“Mmhmm” is all Buck answers.

Eddie reaches forward and fingers the waistband of Buck’s shorts— Buck’s good hand stops him.

“Buck…”

“Underwear stay on.” Buck’s voice is low and there isn’t an inch for argument, not that Eddie would.  Not that he could.  Eddie is feeling a sort of fluster that is deeply confusing.

“Yeah, of course. Wh-whatever you want.”  He lifts Buck’s shirt and sees the remaining bruises and scars from this most recent brush with death.  Eddie doesn’t think before he gently rubs his thumb next to the healing scar on Buck’s side. 

“Does this still hurt?” He asks raising his head to look for Buck’s eyes, but they are shut and he is breathing heavily through his nose. 

Eddie pulls himself together, he seems to be making Buck uncomfortable… or something so he turns on the water and sets it to Buck’s perfect temperature, without it striking him as odd that he inherently knows Buck’s perfect shower temperature. 

Eddie’s hand finds his way to Buck’s head.  He pets back Buck’s hair and rubs his thumb over his hair line urging the man to lean his head back and into the spray.  Buck obeys. 

Eddie runs the water over Buck’s head and he hears him sigh and feels Buck’s whole body relax in an instant. 

Eddie lets Buck hold the showerhead up to himself while he fills his palm with shampoo.  His hands find Buck’s scalp he begins firmly massaging the soap in Buck’s hair.

“Nngh Eddie” Buck moans. 

It’s indecorous.  It’s the most scandalous sound Eddie has ever heard.  His body immediately responds in kind. 

Shit.

He needs to get control.  Must be the god damn brain injury.  He starts thinking about cadaver training to become a medic.  It’s what he always used back in the army when he needed to redirect blood flow back to his head.  He’s so glad Buck is completely invested in the shower and didn’t realize that his best friend is standing in the shower next to him hard as a rock. 

Once he is back under control he grabs the soapy washcloth and starts to clean Buck’s shoulders.  God they’re broad. And tan.  And just really fucking perfect.

Envy! It must be envy! It can’t be attraction! Eddie is straight. Eddie is not attracted to the gloriously kind and beautiful brick shithouse he is currently soaping up.  Will someone please tell his dick that?!

“Uh…Eddie…”

Fuck.  Buck is directly eye level with his massive boner.  Eddie is so fucked.  All Buck has ever done is help him and now Eddie has put him in the position of being unwillingly sexually objectified or abandoned in the shower soaking wet—

Wait! Not sexually objectified.  Eddie’s straight!  What the fuck?!

“Buck— shit— I’m so sorry! I…I…” got nothing.

Buck looks up at Eddie and moves to take the hand still resting on his shoulder.  “It’s nice to know I still got it” Buck says with amusement and affection oozing off of him. 

Why the fuck isn’t he freaking out right now? Why is he opening his mouth to calmly keep talking?

“Do you uh…do you like what you see Eddie?  Do…do you like me?”

Eddie can’t formulate a lie right now. God. Damn. Brain injury.

“I’m very…fond of you Buck.”

Buck brings Eddie’s hand to his mouth.  He kisses Eddie’s fingers like they will heal him. God he wishes they would.  He never wants to see Buck hurt.  He never wants to see him sad.  He only wants to see him happy and healthy and loved .  Eddie doesn’t understand the urge coming over him but he can’t seem to fight it.  It’s like his body has taken over. 

He puts his hands on either side of Buck’s face and moves in to kiss his lips. 

There is no hesitation from Buck, just a hand reaching up to cup his cheek as Eddie takes Bucks lower lip into his mouth. 

They kiss slow and sweet, under the spray of the shower. Eddie doesn’t know for how long.  Buck pulls back and presses his forehead to Eddie’s, opening those beautiful blue eyes to gaze at Eddie while his one good hand strokes his face.

He smiles the softest smile Eddie has ever seen and says “Oh my baby.  There you are.”

Eddie whimpers and leans back in for another kiss.  At some point the kiss becomes more of a cry.  Eddie has begun weeping at some point.

What the fuck is happening to him?

Buck pulls back alarmed. He is horrified to realize Eddie is crying in earnest.  Eddie is horrified to be crying in earnest.

“Eds! Eddie oh my god! I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I shouldn’t…I shouldn’t have…”

Eddie doesn’t know what to say…he doesn’t know what to do!

“I don’t know what’s happening?!” Is all he is able to sob out and he sinks to the bathroom floor with his head in his hands.  He can’t stop crying!

“Eddie! Eddie it’s okay. I got you. I got you Eddie. You’re alright, everything is okay!” Eddie has curled in on himself on the floor outside the shower.  His breaths are not coming to him so easily anymore.  Another god damn fucking panic attack.

“Hang on Eddie— I got you!” Buck says.   He feels Buck lean forward behind him to shut off the fucking water because Eddie is useless. 

Eddie hears more than sees Buck topple off the chair and onto the shower floor. Even over the Buck’s scream Eddie swears he hears a crack— but how can he tell? 

All he hears for sure is that horrible thunder.

The bathroom door bangs open and Bobby rushes in.  Eddie didn’t realize anyone else was here.

“Oh my god…” he says taking the sight of a hyperventilating Eddie and a writhing Buck on the shower floor. 

“Buck! Eddie!” He seems unsure for a second who needs him more then races forward to help Buck.

Buck has help. 

Protection from Eddie. 

He’ll be alright.

Eddie, not so much.

He stands and backs out of the room.  Bobby looks up to stop him, probably to cuss him out for thinking he could be anything but a broken, worthless failure of a man. 

Bobby seems to clock Eddie’s next move before even he does.  “Eddie— no” he tries to call out.

But it’s too late.  Eddie is running out the door, out of the house and onto the streets of this strange city.

Chapter Text

Once Eddie is running he doesn’t think he will ever stop.  

He thinks of Superman, the movie he watched when he was a kid.  Where Lois Lane dies then Superman flies around the world so fast he’s able make time move backwards.  That’s what Eddie wants.  He wishes he could run so fast that the earth would start spinning in reverse until he lands in the time he belongs. 

But where does he belong? 

The fear is that it may be nowhere.  So he runs and runs and runs.  

His head hurts. 

The thunder is giving him a headache. 

He realizes that the sky has turned orange.  It’s getting late.  He must have been running for a long time.  

He slows to a stop and his knees start to buckle. 

He sits on the curb of a street he has never been on.  

He is completely lost.  

He reaches for his phone to get directions home.  He doesn’t have it.  He ran out of the house without it.  

That’s not good. 

Chris might be worried.  He probably is.  His emotionally unstable and mentally injured father ran away.  He ran away while his other pseudo-parent was in a heap on the floor.  Eddie doesn’t know how to face anyone again, but that doesn’t matter.  He needs to borrow a phone and call his son. 

Fuck.  Chris’s number.  He doesn’t remember it.  

He knows three phone numbers by heart, 911, Shannon’s, and his mother’s.  That leaves him with one terrible option.  

The sun is fully set by the time his sister pulls up.  Eddie is sitting against the side of some baby clothing store or something.  She double parks then runs out to him.  He can’t quite stand up yet so she squats down to meet him where he is at.  

“Eddie…are you okay?”

He doesn’t say anything.  Just sits with his arms resting over his bent knees.  His eyes are full of tears and his throat is incredibly tight, but he isn’t crying. Crying might feel good.  He doesn’t deserve to feel good. 

“Okay Eddie, we’re gonna get you home it’s gonna be okay.”  He hears her phone ring then.  Adriana answers it after one ring.

“Hi sweetie I have him.  It’s okay Chris I’m with him now, he looks alright and we’re going to head home.  Take a deep breath.  We’ll be there soon.”  And she hangs up

Eddie stands onto shaky legs without saying anything.  He needs to show Chris that he is alive.  It’s the bare minimum required of him and the absolute maximum he can do. 

His sister walks him to the front seat.  Once he is sat she buckles him and presses a firm kiss to the top of his head.   

They’re driving for a few moments when she says “I’m sorry Eddie, I just, I promised to call Bobby the minute I found you.”  Eddie still says nothing. 

She dials and the call connects to the bluetooth.  She looks uneasy but they’re getting on the freeway and she can’t look for her phone.

“Do you have him?” Bobby asks immediately upon connecting. 

“Yeah Bobby he’s in the car, we’re driving home.” 

“Is he okay?” He hears Buck call out in the background.

“Is he okay?” Bobby repeats. 

Adriana looks at him, unsure of what to say. 

“He’s unhurt.  But um… not super responsive at the moment” 

Bobby repeats the message to Buck.  “I do not like the sound of that.  Give me the phone Bobby.” Buck says in the background. “Buck-” Bobby tries to say.  “Bobby, no, give me the phone.”  There is muffled sounds. 

“Eddie” Buck starts, his voice clear now “Eddie listen to me, I’m okay.  You didn’t do anything wrong.  I’m sorry I scared you! I’m…I’m sorry if that was the wrong thing for me to do.  It was too soon.  I know that and I’m so sorry. Can I just hear your voice Eddie?  Please? Can you please just talk to me?” 

What’s the use in saying anything.  By now he figured out that he is Buck’s ‘lost boyfriend’.  Saying anything would only give Buck false hope; make him think Eddie can still be anything for him.  He’s not capable. He won’t give Buck hope.  

One of the tears break free from his eye as he sits there in silence.  There is only one thought in his head.   

Why didn’t I just die in Afghanistan?  

He hears Buck gasp. Adriana lets out an “Eddie!”.  Apparently he said that out loud.  God. Damn. Brain Injury.  He closes his eyes and rests his head back against the seat. 

“Eddie open your eyes and talk to me.  Come on big brother please?” His sister is begging but he can’t, he’s completely depleted.  The world is fading to the sound of thunder in his ears.  

Bobby’s voice comes over the speaker “Adriana the doctor just came in so we’re going to hang up but please keep us updated.  Please?” So he put Buck back in the hospital. Great. 

“Of course I will” she says and that’s the last thing Eddie hears before pulling up to his house.  

He’s woken and goes inside like he knows he should.  His legs feel a little steadier.  He’s been feeling off balance since he stopped running. 

Before he can close the front door Chris is in his arms squeezing him with his face buried into Eddie’s shoulder.  

“I’m sorry Chris.  I’m sorry I scared you” is all Eddie can say.  

“Are you okay dad?” He asks looking up at Eddie.  That sweet scared face breaks the very last remains of Eddie’s heart. 

“Son I have to tell you something.” Eddie takes a breath. “I spoke to your grandmother.  I’m going to go to Texas. I just…I can’t be here and…and there’s nowhere else for me. I hope that you’ll come with me.” 

Adriana is stunned. But Chris?  He looks mad. 

“No.” 

Eddie is not shocked.  Why would he want to hitch his horse to Eddie?

“I understand, maybe you can stay with Pep-“

“No dad.  I’m not going and neither are you.” 

“Yes. Yes I am Chris. I’m sorry.” 

“You can’t run away dad! Then nothing will get better.  Believe me, I know.  Texas won’t make it better.  Home will, I will, Buck will!”  

“Christopher, I can’t take care of you.  I can’t take care of myself.  And Buck…all I will do for Buck is hurt him more. I can’t explain this to you. The way I feel is not something I want you to understand. This last month has broken me.” 

“Okay fine so then you’re just going to leave me? Fine go ahead. It’s what parents do! They leave! You! Mom! You leave!”

This strikes a feeling in Eddie. 

“Chris your mom didn’t leave you, she died-“

“No dad she left. Then she died.”
 
“What?”

“Yeah. She didn’t want to take care of me anymore, so she left me.” 

That can’t be true. It can’t be! Shannon loved Chris! No. If she left anyone she left Eddie. Eddie was the problem, not Chris. What actually happened was Eddie fell short and cost Chris his mother. 

This isn’t the same. Eddie doesn’t want to leave Chris. He wishes more than anything he could take care of him. 

“I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry. I know I’m disappointing you.  But this time tomorrow I will be in Texas.  And I want more than anything for you to come with me. But I won’t force you to be somewhere you don’t want to be. And I understand completely if you want to stay here for now.” 

Christopher walks off into his room with teary eyes and stony silence. 

“I’ll stay with him Eddie. I’ll stay until he’s ready, or you are. He’ll be okay. He has me Peppa and Buck and everyone else.” 

“He’ll be better off without me.”

“No he won’t!” Adriana is crying now. Great. One more person Eddie made cry. “He won’t be alone, he’ll be loved and cared for, but he will absolutely not be better off!”

“Yes he will. You all will.”

Adriana doesn’t leave him alone for a second. She forces him to drink water, tries to get him to eat food, then follows him into his room and lays next to him on the bed as he falls into an uneasy slumber. 

He wakes to a vibrating phone and rustling in the darkness. He hears his sister walk out into the hall. 

“Hi Buck, how are you feeling?…I can worry about both of you thank you very much…okay good, I’m very glad to hear that…He’s…he’s a mess Buck. Everything here is such a mess.  He was non-responsive when I found him and then when I got him home he…he told us that he’s going to Texas tomorrow and that he can’t take care of Chris anymore….I know….not very well at all that’s how. Chris told him about Shannon leaving them and then said that now he’s leaving him too and that’s what parents do and that was completely horrible…yeah, he’s going to need a lot of extra love…then Eddie just— Buck, he said we’d all be better off without him, and after what he said in the car, I’m afraid to leave him alone for even a second…I know…No Buck, don’t come over. I got him to sleep and I think that’s the best thing for him right now. And I just…Buck maybe he should go…I know…I know! But he is not our Eddie right now. He’s a version of Eddie whose only home is El Paso, who trusts and relies on our parents to help him when he’s in trouble, he’s an Eddie who thinks he’s straight and doesn’t have a decade of parenting experience. He’s a scared kid Buck.  And it took a long time for him to become the person he was before this accident, and honestly I feel so responsible for tonight for trying to force him to fit into this life. He’s just…he’s not okay Buck! And as hard as it is— I think we need to let him go. He needs to get his bearings somewhere familiar…I know, I know you do. But we have Chris to focus on. And Buck, you need to focus on you too. You need to recover yourself. As much as you want to be, you can’t be everything for him right now…okay…okay…yeah okay…talk tomorrow. 

Eddie opens his eyes briefly to see his sister’s face silhouetted by the phone light then closes them as she turns to come back in. She crawls back into bed puts her hand by his shoulder and is back to sleep in minutes. 

Chris doesn’t say goodbye. He won’t come out of his room. Bobby takes him to the airport since Adriana doesn’t want to leave Chris alone. Bobby looks exhausted. He doesn’t try to change Eddie’s mind. Eddie appreciates that. He suspects Bobby knows the look of a decimated man. He knows when to push and when not to. 

Once they’re at the security gate Bobby asks Eddie if he can hug him. Eddie obliges. Bobby takes Eddie into his arms and tells him. “I love you. We all love you. And whenever you’re ready, we’re here.  I’m praying you’re able to find some comfort.”

Texas is familiar. He wouldn’t say it’s comforting, but it’s familiar.   His parents are familiar. His mom, his dad— they haven’t changed much.  The house looks the same. That’s good.  Abuela is comforting.  He’s so happy to have her to love and baby him like she always did.  

He hasn’t been feeling great since he arrived.  He hasn’t been feeling great since he woke up in the hospital missing a quarter of his life— but he feels really off since he arrived a week ago.  His headache has become constant. The thunder has gotten louder and he is so unbelievably tired.  

He thinks it’s missing Chris that is doing it to him.  His son won’t talk to him.  He gets that. Eddie is giving him his space, he is not bugging Chris like he was the first day or two with phone calls.  He just shoots him a text every night telling him he loves him and that’s it.  

A week into his stay in Texas his phone rings during a mid afternoon nap. He rolls over to look at the screen.  It’s Chris. It’s Chris! 

“Chris!” Eddie says into the phone. 

“Hi dad.” He sounds wary, but his voice is the most beautiful thing he’s ever heard. 

“Are you okay buddy?  Whats the matter? Is everything alright?” Why is he calling now? 

“Yeah dad.  I just uh…I just missed you is all.” Eddies heart fills up with the first traces of warmth he has felt since he left California. 

“I miss you too buddy.  I really do.  What are you up to today?  Are you with Adri?”

“No, she went to the movies. I’m spending the day with Buck. He got his casts off so we’re celebrating by making a bunch of our favorite treats and then later we’re having a movie night.” A little more warmth sneaks its way into Eddie’s heart.  He feels a little choked up. 

“That uh…that sounds really nice buddy! I’m so glad to hear that.” 

“Would you um….would you maybe want to talk to him?”

Shit. Yes.  Eddie does want to talk to him.  But would Buck want to talk to Eddie? I don’t know why he would after Eddie kissed him, dropped him, left him hurt on the ground,  ran out, then fled the state without speaking a word to him.  But Eddie can’t resist the urge to hear Buck’s voice.  Even if it’s just for a few seconds. 

“Uh, yeah. Okay.  I mean, if he wants to.” 

“Yes he does! One sec!” 

“Buck!” He hears Chris call out.  “Dad is on the phone, he wants to talk to you!” 

“Wait, what?” Eddie hears. 

“Yeah he’s on the phone, he said he wants to talk to you.”  Eddie hears the phone being passed over. 

“Eddie?” He sounds scared.  Join the club pal. 

“Uh…hi Buck.”

“Are you alright?” 

“Uh yeah. Chris said you uh, you got your casts off.  I’m glad you’re doing better.” 

“Yeah, a bit of PT and some light duty and I should be back at it in no time. How about you?  Are you feeling better?” 

Eddie wants to tell him the truth.  That he feels really really off.  But he doesn’t want to bring down the mood.  He won’t even tell his parents how horrible he feels.  He’s so sick of being a burden. But he doesn’t want to lie to Buck either, so he tells him the only truth he can come up with. 

“I’m less scared.  Things are familiar, and that’s been helpful.” 

Buck lets out a breath Eddie didn’t realize he was holding. “Okay Eddie, thats really good.  I’m happy to hear that.  It’s a great start. Do you think you would maybe be up for some visitors soon?” 

Eddie freezes, Chris and Buck here? He doesn’t want them to see him, If they see him they’ll know how messed up he is.  He doesn’t want that.  He wants to figure himself out before he goes back to them.  They need to be able to move on and take care of themselves.  Eddie doesn’t want to answer Buck so he doesn’t. 

“Buck my mom just got home and she needs help with the groceries I gotta go help her.” 

“Okay Eddie.” He sounds sad. 

“Okay.  Bye Buck.”  The minute Eddie hangs up the phone his headache wins. He grabs ibuprofen from the side table, downs three,  rolls over and falls back to sleep. 

A knock on his door wakes him up. “Eddie, dinner is done.  Why don’t you come down now?” His mother asks.  He can barely wake up enough to answer. 

“Not hungry.  Headache.” Then he goes back to sleep. 

 He sees light behind his eye lids. It hurts. The thunder is so loud! Is that why his headache is so intense?  He kind of feels like he can’t move.

“Eddie sweetie, I really think you should get up.  You haven’t been out of bed since yesterday.  I’m getting worried.” His mother is sitting next to him, her hand on his shoulder.  He’s so dizzy he doesn’t want to open his eyes. He does anyway, once he does he can go back to sleep. 

What the fuck? That’s not right. Everything is a blur. He can’t see.  What the fuck? What the fuck!

“M-mom!” He’s able to blurt out “I can’t…I can’’t see! I can’t…” 

“Eddie? Eddie what?!” His eyes are starting to close against his will, he doesn’t think he can stay up any longer.  He hears his mother shout “Ramon! Come quick!” But that’s it, nothing more. 

He is somewhere else, somewhere noisy.  Something is beeping.  His mother is holding his hand he thinks.  Someone has their hand on his ankle.  He thinks it’s his father but he can’t open his eyes.  He hears his mother crying talking to someone “Adriana, sweetie, is Chris with you?…Oh Buck is there?  No Chris though right?…” 

“Put it on speaker Adrianna,” his father calls out, “this concerns him too.”

“Adriana, Buck, something happened....We’re at the hospital…No! God no, nothing like that! He would never! No, but, well, last night he wouldn’t get up for dinner, I didn’t think much of it… I don’t know Adriana, he was tired, had headaches, but I just thought he was depressed, I didn’t-… Yes. Then this morning I couldn’t get him to wake up. Then when he finally did he told me…he told me he couldn’t see….Yes.  And he was clearly in a lot of pain and then he was right back out and I couldn’t get him to wake up again so we called the ambulance and now we’re at the hospital…Well, they um they think there is fluid in his brain, they said It was probably happening over the course of the last month due to his injury then the flight exacerbated things.  It was slow so it may have gone unnoticed. Symptoms would have been hearing changes, mood swings, personality changes, headaches.  With everything going on, we all just missed it!…I don’t…” She’s clearly crying now. Eddie wishes he could open his eyes and tell her it’s okay. “Yes….yes it was…thank you Buck…They um, they’re going to start prepping him for surgery to relieve the pressure….” 

Eddie is drifting off gain.  He wants to hear what she’s saying but he doesn’t think he can stay awake anymore. 

“…Yes, if you want to I think that would probably be a good idea...Thank you Buck.” Is the last thing he hears. 

A hospital.  He’s in a hospital for sure.  He’s done this enough that he knows when he is in one without even having to open his eyes. There is a hand in his.  He knows that hand without even having to open his eyes. That’s Buck’s hand.  He loves that hand.  He pulls the hand up to his chest using all the strength in his body.  He hears Buck’s voice “Eddie! Eddie? Can you open your eyes?” 

He should really try.  So he tries.  
And he succeeds.  He can see.

That feels like a big deal for some reason. He turns his head a little to see Buck in a chair pushed right up to his bed with a sleeping Christopher in the chair next to him tucked under his arm. 

Eddie smiles. It’s so good to see them. “There they are.” He mumbles out. “My favorite boys.”  He doesn’t know if it was even a little clear.  It doesn’t matter.  Buck seems to understand.  He looks really surprised and happy for some reason.  

Why?

Oh that’s right.  Eddie forgot him. That was fucked up. Eddie is falling back to sleep but he needs to tell him before he does. It’s really important. 

“I love you. I know you and I love you.” He sees Buck’s eyes fill immediately with tears and a smile breaks out on his face that Eddie could look at for 100 years if he wasn’t so damn tired.  It’s okay. When he wakes up he’ll see that smile again.   

Chapter Text

“Don’t fuck with me man.”

Eddie has been in the hospital for four days. Buck is getting on his last nerve.

“I’m not fucking with you Eddie. I’m fine!”

“You’re not fine! You’re not fine Buck. You broke half your body a little over a month ago. I don’t care if the casts are off. You can barely walk and you’ve been sitting in that chair for days. Get up. Walk out right now. Go to my parents house. Take a bath in the big tub then sleep in my bed.”

“Most of it was basically fractures Eddie…”

“This is non-negotiable Buck.”

Buck isn’t standing.

“You’re not standing.”

“I’m gonna.”

“You’re not standing because you can’t stand. Because you fucked yourself up didn’t you? What did I say?”

“No Eddie. I can stand. I just need a second.” He’s got his stubborn angry Buck face on. It’s so cute. Eddie wants to kiss it.

Eddie rolls his eyes and gets out of his hospital bed. Easier to do since he started being allowed to wear sweat pants. But also his balance is fine now. Everything is almost fine now. His vision is normal, his headaches are nearly gone, and the thunder— not a trace of it since his surgery. But most importantly he feels like himself. He knows himself. He knows his whole life.

So he feels perfectly right getting out of bed to help his stubborn boyfriend hoist himself out of the crappy hospital recliner he has fused with.

“Eddie no-“

“Yes. And while you’re at it, check on my kid. “

“He’s okay Eddie! I told you.”

“I left him Buck.” The shame comes over him again, just like it does every time he thinks about it.

“Your brain was about to explode Eddie.” He looks unimpressed to be saying this again.

“Buck-“

“Eddie. Stop. He’s been through a lot but he’s honestly handling it all so well.  He’s got your head on his shoulders.”

“Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of. He seemed kind of withdrawn when he left today. Just check in with him alright? Please and thank you. Now come on cowboy. Up you go!” He helps pull Buck to his feet and hands him his cane.

They are standing chest to chest. “What are you gonna do once I leave?”

“I don’t know, watch tv, take a nap, call Bobby back or Hen or Chim.  Enjoy a night of peace before they discharge me back into the madness that is my family.” Buck looks skeptical but accepts.

“Well then, I guess I better mosey on out of here. Your mom is making dinner back at the ranch and I don’t wanna miss it.”

“Kiss ass.”

“She’s my future mother-in-law Eddie. There’s nothing wrong with trying to have a good relationship. Besides you scared the shit out of her so right now she’s vulnerable. It’s the perfect time to worm my way into her heart.”

“You do have a way of doing that.” Eddie says his hand finding his way to Bucks head where he starts pushing back his hair on instinct. Buck doesn’t react- he just keeps talking and it makes Eddie smile like a dope.

“Your dad already loves me by the way. He thinks I’m a bad ass and really cool.”

“Did he actually say that?”

“Not in so many words, but I can read the Diaz men like a book.”

“Well, to become one you’re going to need to be able to get down on one knee. And you can’t do it this banged up, so get out of here and take care of yourself you broken down old horse.” Buck rolls his eyes.

“Texas Eddie is very Brokeback Mountain.”

“No, he’s just a cowboy through and through, and you’re a pretty LA boy who is helpless in the face of his rough and tumble charm.”

“Rough and tumble charm…that’s the residual brain damage talking.” Buck pushes him lightly back into his bed when Eddie lets out a surprised laugh.

“And if you’re such a tough guy then maybe you should be the one who’s getting down on one knee.” Buck says putting the crappy hospital blanket back over Eddie and kissing his forehead.

“Who says I won’t be?” The good thing about remembering everything is that he remembers where he hid the pretty expensive ring he bought three days before the accident. All he needs is to loop their friends and family in on his plan and it’s go time.

“I’d say I deserve it. I mean, after all I’m the pretty little LA boy who got you to fall in love with him twice. And the second time was in under a month, while injured, so…yeah I’d say I’m probably the proposee. Sorry Tex.” he’s got his smug face on. Adorable.

“Ain’t nothing little about you. Now go on git!” Eddie reaches around to pinch Buck’s ass. He lets out a startled laugh and shakes his head before walking out of the room with a limp that, for some reason, Eddie finds incredibly attractive.

“Cheeky.” He throws back over his shoulder then he’s gone.

Man.

What a week.

What a month.

What a life.