Chapter Text
As a newly escaped boy from a cage, Felix found joy in so many things that others seemed to pass right on by. Arriving at a nearby mall, Hyunjin could barely lead him twenty feet before he had pulled them to a stop, his face lit up with excitement and wonder. Finally, Hyunjin gave up trying to be the guide and allowed Felix to spread and stretch his wings, letting him lead them wherever he wanted. Even the flashy displays of shiny tourist trinkets deserved a second look to Felix. While Felix tried to take in everything around him, Hyunjin only looked at him.
Forgetting why they had come to the mall in the first place, Felix dragged them into a cat cafe to play with the kittens for over an hour. Not one of those thirty-six hundred seconds saw a frown on his beautiful face. Then Hyunjin patiently waited for Felix to decide which type of boba drink he wanted before choosing a different one for himself so Felix could try them both and see which one he preferred. When they passed a kiosk selling cellphones, Felix stopped in his tracks.
“Why do you want a new phone? Isn’t the one you have a new one?” Hyunjin’s forehead creased as he watched Felix study the selection of mobile devices in front of him. “None of these will be as good as the one you have now.”
“I didn’t choose the one I have now,” said Felix, picking up a sturdy looking phone. “I don’t like it.”
“What kind of phone do you want?” Hyunjin leaned closer to help.
“I don’t know.” Felix pursed his lips. A bright smile crossed his face as he chose one at random. “Maybe this one.”
“Why this one?” Hyunjin asked.
“I don’t know.” Felix turned it over in his hand, liking the way it felt. “I just like it.”
“Wha-…” Hyunjin tried to shake his head at him. “Felix, you should think about it before you spend your money.”
“I’ll be okay.” Felix held the item out to the worker manning the kiosk. “If this one doesn’t work out, I still have my old one.”
As soon as the purchase had been completed and the SIM card activated, Felix turned to Hyunjin and handed it to him.
“Put your number in it.” He looked like a kid on Christmas. “I want to be able to call and text you.”
“You could have had my number in your other phone, too,” said Hyunjin with a chuckle. He took the cellphone and typed in his number. He sent his own phone a message then handed it back.
“Yeah, but I don’t like that phone.” Felix put his new phone in his pocket and his old phone in the bag that came with his purchase.
“Okay.” Hyunjin just shook his head and let it go. “Shall we find you some new pants now?”
“Do we have to?” said Felix, not realizing until that moment he had actually been dreading the thought. The revelation confused him, so he kept it to himself and tried to maintain a neutral expression as he looked up at Hyunjin.
“What do you mean?” Hyunjin took Felix’s hand for a moment, brushing the back of it with his thumb. “That’s why we came here.”
The dread in the pit of Felix’s stomach only grew as they entered the clothing store Hyunjin chose. Keeping close to his companion, Felix felt all the happiness he had been feeling seep out of him like a balloon with a hole. Slowly but surely, a voice he could never seem to fully escape began hissing in his ear.
You’ll wear what I get for you and like it.
Stop being difficult!
Felix! Wear the clothes! Put them on!
“Try these,” said Hyunjin, holding up a pair of pants similar to the ones Felix had on.
“What do you mean, try them?” Felix glanced around, an agitated look clouding his eyes. “We’re in a store.”
“In the fitting rooms.” Hyunjin frowned as he reached out and put a hand on Felix’s shoulder. “Here, I’ll show you.”
The whole situation grew awkward as Felix tried on the pants. They felt uncomfortable and didn’t fit right, but the sound of his mother’s voice had raised in pitch and the only way to make her shut up would be to do as she said.
Wear the clothes! I chose them for you!
“These are too long.” Hyunjin stepped back from Felix to see better. “I’ll get different ones.”
Before Felix could stop him, Hyunjin had disappeared, leaving him and the voice of his mother alone in the fitting rooms. Felix knew about fitting rooms. Not fitting rooms in malls, but fitting rooms with a dozen assistants, tape measures and pins. Fitting rooms where he would be asked to strip down no matter how many eyes were on him. Fitting rooms where only his mother’s voice would be heeded and obeyed. Fitting rooms where he ceased to be more than a doll.
Hyunjin came back with several items draped over his arm. He hesitated when his eyes landed on Felix’s face.
“Do you want to go somewhere else?” Hyunjin asked in a low voice as he handed over the pants. “We don’t have to stay here if you don’t like it.”
“No, no,” said Felix, keeping his face blank to hide the screaming of his mother. He just wanted to finish so they could leave and he could breathe properly again.
“Okay. I’ll be right out here when you’re done.” Hyunjin nodded and took a step back.
Felix sat down on the bench in the fitting room stall and held his head in his hands. A headache began forming at his temples as he stared at the clothes. Why did he have to feel like this? Why did his mother have to chase after him with her claws digging into his back like a bird of prey? Forcing himself to his feet, Felix pulled on one of the pairs. He hated them. Hanging his head, Felix bit his lip and did his best to keep his tears at bay. He just needed a pair of pants.
Eventually Hyunjin knocked softly on the door, asking him if he was all right and if he needed any help. Felix stepped out and let Hyunjin see him. He could see Hyunjin’s mouth moving, but all he could hear was his mother.
Stop being difficult! Who cares how they feel?
I am your mother and I know what’s best for you!
“I can wear them, Hyunjin, it’s fine,” said Felix, interrupting Hyunjin mid-sentence. “You picked these out for me.”
“I picked them out because they looked like the pants you need to replace,” said Hyunjin patiently. “Maybe we can try something new. Let’s find something new.”
For the first time, the suggestion of trying something new didn’t elicit immediate positivity from Felix. He stood with his eyes glued to the reflection of his body in the mirror, an unreadable look on his face. Placing his hands gently on Felix’s shoulders, Hyunjin stepped behind him and tried to see what Felix saw.
“Baby,” murmured Hyunjin. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?”
“I’ll wear them,” whispered Felix stubbornly, desperate for his mother to be quiet.
“But you don’t like them.” Hyunjin gave Felix’s shoulders a squeeze. “I don’t want you to get something you don’t like.”
Felix didn’t respond.
“Can we leave?” he finally asked in a small voice.
“Yes.” Hyunjin nodded and let his hands drop from Felix’s shoulders. “I’ll wait for you to change.”
***
Felix took deep breaths of the late afternoon sunshine as they exited the mall without the one thing they had gone for. He tried to shake the feel of talons from the back of his neck, but he couldn’t quite do it. Beside him, Hyunjin walked quietly, his hands in his pockets, a somber look on his face. He carried Felix’s bag from the phone kiosk and it bumped against his leg quietly.
“I should probably get going,” said Felix, his dread quickly being replaced by shame and embarrassment. “You’re probably tired.” Of me, he wanted to add, but he didn’t.
“I was going to take you to one more place,” said Hyunjin hopefully.
“You don’t have to.” Felix didn’t look at him, the red creeping up his neck and filling his cheeks.
“Please?” Hyunjin wrapped an arm around Felix’s shoulders and pressed the word against the side of Felix’s head. “I’ve really, really missed you.”
The words made a lump form in Felix’s throat, so he only nodded. Leaning into Hyunjin’s side, he let himself sink into the closeness. He felt the lump in his throat again when they stopped in front of a cute little ice cream shop with a sign out front that read,
New Flavors Every Month!
“I thought maybe we could have your daily ice cream together today.” Hyunjin gave Felix a smile.
“I’d like that.” Felix smiled back and the talons finally let go.
***
Stunning shades of gold and purple followed Hyunjin and Felix as they walked back to Hyunjin’s studio at golden hour. Taking turns, they shared little pieces of their week apart; just the parts that didn’t hurt. The sound of their voices followed them and they stopped on the last corner to watch the sunset go from pink to red. They felt tired and happy.
“Can I re-bandage your knees before I take you home?” Hyunjin asked, his eyes going down to Felix’s legs. He set the bag with Felix’s old phone down on the long table they had used at breakfast. “If you’re okay with that.”
“Yeah… you can do that.” Felix followed Hyunjin to the bathroom. He sat down on the closed lid of the toilet and carefully rolled up his pant legs until they could see his knees.
At first they were quiet as Hyunjin worked slowly and gently to remove the bandages that Chris had put on the night before. Hyunjin winced when he saw the cuts. He brushed his fingertips over the damaged skin.
“Sorry you got hurt, Felix.” Hyunjin put more ointment on Felix’s knees. “Does that feel okay?”
“Yeah, they don’t sting like they did last night,” said Felix. He had decided to close his eyes instead of watching Hyunjin’s long fingers take care of him.
“Good.” A quiet pause. Then, “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
Holding in a heavy exhale, Felix knew he should say something about the way he had acted at the clothing store. It felt too hard though. He didn’t want to open his mouth and invite the spirit of his mother to come back. Licking his lips, Felix shrugged.
“You don’t know?” Hyunjin must have been watching him. “I want to hear what you have to say. I’ll listen.”
The knot of dread started tangling in Felix’s stomach again at the thought and Felix quickly opened his eyes. He wanted to comfort himself with the sight of Hyunjin. Hyunjin had his gaze locked on Felix’s face when he opened his eyes.
“It’s really complicated,” Felix finally said. “I’m not ready yet.”
With a comforting smile, Hyunjin put his hand over Felix’s and gave it a small squeeze.
“I’m sorry for almost ruining our date,” Felix felt compelled to say.
“What are you talking about?” A deep crease formed on Hyunjin’s forehead. “You didn’t almost ruin anything. And secondly, it wasn’t a date.”
Felix blinked in surprise at the last sentence.
“Right?” Hyunjin turned back to the bandages, finishing his task. “We’re still taking a few days to think about it. Today was just us hanging out and I enjoyed all of it.”
“I enjoyed it, too.” Felix felt a smile pushing at his cheeks.
“Speaking of which…” Hyunjin placed the last bandaid and put the wrapper in the trash. “How long did you want to think about it?”
“Oh… I don’t know.” Felix let a thoughtful frown cross his face.
“I have an idea,” said Hyunjin. He stayed where he knelt on the floor looking up at Felix. He pulled Felix’s pant legs down and then rested his palms on Felix’s knees. “What do you think about Friday?”
“You think we should take the week?” Felix asked.
“Well, I have a lot of stuff to catch up on from work after last week,” said Hyunjin with a bashful chuckle. “So how about I take care of everything for the next few days and on Friday we can meet up and give a final decision.”
“Can I text you over the week?” Felix asked, putting a hand over Hyunjin’s.
“Of course.” Hyunjin nodded. “I won’t be able to text often, but I’ll do my best.”
“I won’t text much, I just thought I might want to a couple times,” said Felix.
“So, Friday?” Hyunjin stood to his feet and helped Felix stand, too.
“Friday,” Felix agreed.
“Can I hug you again?” Hyunjin asked, and he held so still while he waited for Felix to answer that Felix could see him holding his breath.
Without a word, Felix wrapped his arms around Hyunjin’s neck, going up on his toes to pull Hyunjin down to fit against him better. Resting his chin on Felix’s shoulder, Hyunjin hugged him back with his arms around Felix’s middle. It took everything inside of Felix to not turn his head and find Hyunjin’s mouth for a kiss.
I can’t wait to kiss you, Felix told Hyunjin silently, screwing his eyes shut and holding onto him tightly.
Hyunjin rubbed a hand up and down Felix’s back, the warmth from his palm sinking through the fabric of Felix’s shirt. They stood like that for a moment, trying to make up for the week of loneliness.
“Thank you, Felix,” said Hyunjin, straightening but keeping his hands on Felix’s sides.
“For what?” Felix kept his hands clasped behind Hyunjin’s neck.
“For letting me explain. For accepting my apology.” Regret shone in the watery sheen on Hyunjin’s eyes.
“Do you believe me that I forgive you?” Felix asked, his eyes going soft as he stared up at Hyunjin. He started swaying them lightly from side to side. “Like, truly?”
“Do you?” Hyunjin asked, vulnerability in his gaze. “Truly?”
“Yes. Truly.” Felix smiled delicately. “I’m not going to hold it over you.”
“Thank you,” Hyunjin whispered as he closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against Felix’s. “I know I don’t deserve it.”
“If you don’t deserve second chances, then I’m fucked.” Felix tried to joke, but the words stuck a little on the lump in his throat.
“Oh no, I didn’t mean it like that.” Hyunjin pulled back to see Felix’s face. “I just mean I purposefully acted hurtful and you have every right to say I blew it and leave me.”
“Stop.” Felix shook his head and hugged Hyunjin against him tightly again, hiding his face in Hyunjin’s shoulder. He took a deep breath. “I don’t want to lose you ever again, so you better not fucking blow it. Got it?”
“Yeah, baby, I got it.” Hyunjin cupped the back of Felix’s head with his hand and blinked rapidly to keep his tears from falling. “Let me take you home now.”
Hyunjin and Felix were good on the ride over to Felix’s and didn’t hold hands or try to prolong their goodbye. They took a deep breath and said they would take the week to really think about things. Like always, Hyunjin waited until Felix reached his building before driving away. They would see each other in five days.
Going from the warmth and safety of being with Hyunjin to being face to face with Jonghoon’s sneer felt like whiplash. Felix glanced down and saw Seungmin’s work shoes missing from the shoe rack and held in a sigh. Holding his bag with his old phone in it, Felix avoided Jonghoon’s stare.
“That was one hell of a long interview.” Jonghoon stood up from the couch in the living room. The TV on the wall played an anime on low volume and the coffee table showed several half-empty or fully empty takeout containers and beer cans. “You’ve been gone for almost two days.”
And for one split second, instead of Jonghoon, Felix saw his mother.
“I wasn’t just at an interview.” Felix stood by the wall. Breathe in. Breathe out. Jonghoon was not his mother. They were just having a conversation. “I was doing my daily walk. Having ice cream.”
“Is that from a phone store?” Jonghoon’s stare zeroed in on the bag in Felix’s hand.
“My phone broke.” The lie rolled off Felix’s tongue so easily. “I had to get it fixed. They put it in the bag for me when I left.”
“Thought maybe you got a secret phone.” Jonghoon gave a little laugh and took a step back. His hostile attitude dropped and he gave Felix a knowing nod. “A phone for the secret girlfriend.”
“Nope.” Felix shook his head and took a step towards the hallway.
“You text and call on the main phone?” Jonghoon kept his tone playful. “Brave.”
“No secret girlfriend.” Felix felt as though he had humored Jonghoon enough. “Goodnight.”
“Wait! Wait, why don’t you sit down and talk?” Jonghoon gestured to the couch in the living room. “We hardly spend time together. You’re always going on walks, I have work and family, Seungmin keeps sticking his nose into things and being irritating. Should we drink a beer and get to know each other a little better? What do you do on your nights out? Why didn’t you come home last night? Which nightclubs do you go to and who do you meet there?”
“Jonghoon,” said Felix, holding in a tired sigh. “I don’t really feel like I need this type of relationship with you. I get that we’re roommates, but I’m not the kind of person who likes to share about my life. I’m a pretty private person. Let’s just respect each other’s space.”
“You’re seriously going to talk to me like that?” Jonghoon tried to laugh away Felix’s words but he stopped when he saw the serious look on Felix’s face. “What happened to us being responsible for each other? I’m older than you, I need to look out for you! Keep you out of trouble! You need to learn from me, Felix; I understand way more about life than you do!”
“I get it, but I didn’t sign up for roommates to be questioned all the time.” Felix did his best to hold his boundary, but the look on Jonghoon’s face reminded him of his sister right before one of her tantrums. “I’m just here to spend some time and have experiences I wouldn’t have living in Australia. Thank you, but I’m okay.”
“So, it’s going to be like that, huh?” Jonghoon followed Felix as he turned and walked down the short hallway to his bedroom. “I’m trying to be nice and look out for you like a brother!”
“What about Seungmin?” Felix reached his door and turned to face Jonghoon.
“What about Seungmin?” The man blinked.
“He’s not home yet today and he hasn’t sent any messages in the group chat, but you haven’t said anything. He’s been gone all night before and you’ve never said anything,” said Felix.
“That’s because Seungmin is Seungmin,” Jonghoon scoffed.
“And I would like to just be me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean just treat me like you’d treat Seungmin. I’m nobody special. I’m not someone you need to pay attention to. If you have a problem with me as a roommate, we can talk, but otherwise, we can just live our own lives. Like you said, you have work and family. Pay attention to your own business. I’m okay.” Felix bowed his head at Jonghoon before shutting the door.
That night he lay on his bed hearing the volume from the television blaring louder than it ever had since Felix moved in. Taking his headphones out of his bedside table drawer, Felix turned on his playlist and tried to drown out the screaming and car crashes coming from the living room. A Cigarettes After Sex song started playing and Felix pulled up his messages with Han.
Felix
[9:56 p.m.]
You’re right, listening to CAS on vinyl ruined listening to them on my headphones for me.
Han Jisung (kitchen dude)
[9:58 p.m.]
lol
sry
come ovr this wk sumtime 2 listen again?
Felix
[9:59 p.m.]
Okay! Any day before Friday works.
Han Jisung (kitchen dude)
[10:01 p.m.]
gotta ask my mum lololol
txt u tmrw :)
Again, Felix thought about the difference between Jonghoon and everyone else that Felix had started friendships with since moving to Seoul. His forehead furrowed as he thought about how he had drawn a hard line with his roommate and a tiny voice in the back of his head told him he shouldn’t have done that. He should have just kept the peace and tried to be friends.
Maybe I was too quick to be firm with him, Felix thought, turning onto his side. Maybe it was just because he reminded me of my family.
Untangling his feelings felt complicated that night as he struggled to fall asleep. More than once he opened his texts on his new phone to write something to Hyunjin, but he always put his phone down without sending anything. Felix had to learn how to manage things on his own. He would learn how to manage things on his own.