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The first time, in a very long time, Jayce felt the grass along his back, underneath his skin. In clothes that he had been on for far too long, he lay there, accepting this face. This was the afterlife, it felt different from what he had been taught it was, when he was younger, he was taught that it would be a dark place, a void of nothingness. When he was older, and now living in Piltover, he was taught it would be a place where you can rest, where your hard work has paid off and you are rewarder with an eternity of rest.
The birds sung in the distance, in the forest far behind him. He was surrounded by nothing but wildlife, long grace graced his body and hid him away from the world. Flowers flooded the air and fought past the smell of the ravine that had ingrained itself into Jayce’s senses. Jayce placed his head back down, letting the sun warm him up, it was sweeping into his bones, melting the pitiful reminder of his nights spent at the deepest, darkest point of Zaun. He tried to forget the smell of pollution that clung to the walls and the rot that developed with the ruined world.
The haze disappeared as quickly as it had appeared, Jayce shot up, pulling all the muscles in his body. Reality crashed into, bringing him the unwanted truth that the was, in fact, not in the after life. This could not be. He did not die. Rather, he had been swallowed by the Hexcore. The pull on his body, it was not death. Panic settled in his chest once more, he could not go through another round of torment and torture, this was supposed to be the end, he was supposed to fix everything. In all honesty, he had not planned for what would happened afterwards.
Jayce pulled himself to his feet, his joints aching and protesting at the movement. The serenity of the landscape was perfect, Jayce brought in a lung full of air. The sweet smell of spring flooded his senses, nostalgia stabbed through his chest, the memories of spending the Spring Festival with his family and friends, the rush of the street as children raced to place the games as the adults raced to find the tents. The large quantities of alcohol and food, the music and the company, the time he had taken Viktor was one that was kept in his heart.
Pushing away the feeling and the heartache, Jayce pulled himself together and glanced around, “Viktor?” he called out in a shaky voice. If he was alive, Viktor had to be, right? He thought to himself over and over. He could not live another lifetime without Viktor. The separation was one of the worst of his life, he had not had a friend he had cared for so deeply before. He had not recognised how much brighter his life was with Viktor in it, the privilege that he had was taken away and he was left with the cold reminder that he had failed.
“Viktor?” Jayce called out again, his mind began supplying him with unhelpful thoughts. He was alone again, that was pure and simple, he was going to be alone for the rest of his life. At least this time, he was going to be somewhere peaceful. But what was peace if it was not with Viktor? What was a life with rest, without his partner? His fears were true, the same fear that ran through his blood when his mother collapsed for the last time in the snow. He was alone… again.
Tears began rushing down his cheeks, he could not fathom another life alone, “Viktor?!” he called out in another desperate and pitiful attempt, “Please,” he pleased in a small voice, “C’mon, Vik, where are you?” he asked into the landscape, his shoulders slumping as his heart pounded against his chest, “Please, Vitya,” he whimpered.
As he trekked along the hill side, everything is his midnight was telling him to stop. But if he stopped, is he let that lump in his throat build, he would never be able to move again. The only moment of relief he was granted, was the second he finally laid eyes on a family blanket, the was covering a familiar body. He let out a wet gasp as he rushed to Viktor’s side, the man was unmoving, and paler than ever. Jayce knelt beside Viktor, his leg protesting the movement, but his physical pain was nothing compared to the pain of losing Viktor… again.
Jayce’s fingers grazed Viktor’s cold cheek, his skin was clammy and covered in soot, from what, he did not know. Jayce pulled Viktor into his lap, the pile of dead weight graceless lay there. Jayce let out a sound from the back of his throat, a sob wracked through his body as reality set in, “No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,” he repeated, over and over, “Please, c’mon, Vitya,” he whispered into Viktor’s forehand, “please, not this time, please, you can’t do this to me again,” Jayce’s breath quickened the longer he waited.
For someone who was known to have a limited amount of patience, Jayce understood that he would wait an eternity for Viktor, he would wait hundreds of lifetimes just to see that man smile again, “I need you,” fell out of his mouth, in a broken plea, to gods that seemed to have stopped listening to him long ago, “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry for everything, please, please just come back to me,” Jayce begged, over and over. He could have been sat there for hours, he did not have any sense of time, nor was he looking for one.
A deep, but weak, groan fell out of Viktor, Jayce’s head shot up at the sound. His fear subsided, as he pulled Viktor closer, desperately trying to inspect him. Viktor blinked his eyes awake, as his body ache in more ways than one. But this was not what he was used to, rather than the stabbing sensations, the burning and pinched nerves, it was a nothing more than a dull ache. An overworked muscle. Not a debilitating pain that would haunt him for days. He could feel the grass against his skin, the sun warming his body. He could feel as Jayce clutched onto him, searching for any sign of an injury.
The grasp that Jayce had on him, reminded him that he was alive, holding him as if the second he let go, Viktor would be swallowed into the Hexcore once again. Jayce held him with such care, such love. He placed a hand on Viktor’s cheek, asking is he was alight, if he was hurt. Viktor could barely make out the words that Jayce was throwing at him, the haze washed over him. But the ignorance did not last long, the memories slowly slipped back into place. Tears began to fall down his cheek, he did not know when he started crying until Jayce swiped them away. Jayce’s heart twisted at the vacant look, one the replaced the panic that set behind Viktor’s eyes.
The man still had not spoken he was still laying in Jayce’s arms, unmoving. He was breathing, his chest was rising consistently, he was crying, but he was simply not moving. Jayce placed a small kiss on Viktor’s forehead, whispering some reassurance while at the same time bracing himself for the pain he was going to cause to his body. Jayce made sure the grip did not falter on Viktor, the man clearly not fit to move, Jayce manoeuvred himself to his feet, holding onto Viktor. And he began walking. The wooded areas might be promising, they would be able to find or construct some shelter if nighttime would approach.
Jayce was not sure of the rules of the new place they were in, time could pass in a matter of year, or not at all. Walking through the forest provided them a break from the sun, the shade was cool and damp, as he traipsed through the moss covered ground, avoiding the roots of trees, he swallowed the pain and kept going. There were two tracks that intersected the forrest. Viktor had seemingly fallen back asleep, his breathing becoming deeper and steadier, his head nuzzled in Jayce’s chest.
The pain from his leg screamed at him, begging him to stop, but every time he considered it, he looked down at Viktor, who had become catatonic. The thought kept nagging at him, if he stopped now, they would have to wait until tomorrow. They would need food and other resources that he simply would not be able to give them. Eventually he came to some sort of open field, his heart sank at the thought of him having circled around.
But this was different, wherever he had walked, however far he had gone, he had finally noticed that the sun was setting at the sky was becoming a beautiful yellow-orange blend. He marvelled at it for a moment, watched at the clouds floated by, and the sun dipped lower. Taking in his surroundings, Jayce noticed how the sky reflected off a lake, the colours filled the clear water as if it was a door to another world.
Jayce’s heart raced as he saw the lake, he had in fact made progress. On the edge of the lake, a mini cabin was built over it, he prayed to the gods that there would either be someone there that could help them, or a bed for the to sleep in and food to sustain them. Jayce readjusted his grip on Viktor, hitching him up slightly as he began to make the final trek over to the cabin. Viktor had stirred halfway through the walk, not that he made any moves that pulled in Jayce’s attention, it just so happened that Jayce looked down to check in on him.
“There’s a little cabin, just there,” Jayce paned, nodding in the direction of the cabin, “Hopefully, we could stay there for the night, if not, someone could help us,” he added. Jayce looked down again, Viktor made no sign that he had taken in the information. Jayce closed his eyes, letting out a sigh. He bit the inside of his cheek, there was so much he wanted to say, but what good would it be if Viktor was trapped in his own mind.
Jayce thought about the nights that they spent together, he remembered how long it took to convince Viktor that he could trust Jayce for help if the pain was too much. One night, after they had known one another for a couple years, Viktor stood Jayce up at the Spring Festival, it was supposed to be his first year going. Instead, his body was filled with pains and aches that kept him in his bed.
Jayce was not angry that he waited around for Viktor longer than he planned, Jayce took it upon himself to bring food and drinks to Viktor’s flat. Viktor had spent the day convincing himself that Jayce would not care to seek Viktor out, to see if what was going on. Jayce, like anyone else Viktor had met, would write him off and continue on with his day. That was not just Viktor being insecure, he knew how to much Jayce loved the Spring Festival, “The end of Winter and the ushering in of a new year,” he had said one year when Viktor had asked him why he enjoyed the Festival so much.
The knocking at his door was persistent, Viktor has sworn a few times under his breath as he put all of his energy into stepping the few feet to his door. His energy was low, due to the limited amount of food he had eaten, his sleep was poor and his body was his worst enemy. But when he swung the door open to find Jayce on the other side, looking like a child on their birthday, Viktor had this feeling that everything was going to be alright.
His pain did not disappear, but it got easier, Jayce wrapped an arm around his waist and placed him on the sofa, setting out the food that he had brought. They ate far too much that night. Drank a little more than they should have. And some time, early in the morning, they finally went to bed. Jayce thought about that day from time to time, the way they listened to music and laughed at terrible jokes the other made, the way they spoke for hours on end with no issue. If there was ever an afterlife, that was where he would spend eternity.
“I have to ask,” Viktor announced, placing down the empty plate. His leg was cushioned on a pillow, Jayce had not allowed Viktor to do anything the moment he stepped through Viktor’s flat. Jayce would go on to fuss over Viktor for the rest of the evening, Viktor tried his hardest to suppress a laugh when he recognised Ximena in him instantly, “Why do you enjoy the Spring Festival so much? Did you celebrate something similar, before coming to Piltover?”
Jayce took a moment before putting the words together, “No,” he shook his head, biting his lip. No one had ever really asked him, he was used to other assuming it was because he was young when he moved to Piltover, but that was their assumptions about him, “We never did anything like this,” he nodded towards the window, “We would have massive religious events, but we wouldn’t have it like this. I guess,” he sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face.
“After we got here, me and my mom walked into the city on the second day,” Jayce smiled fondly, but is words were shook as he spoke. Viktor had never heard much about what happened to Jayce when he was little, “It was all so bright and colourful, the food smelt amazing and everyone looked carefree for a moment,”
“I think that’s the alcohol,” Viktor joked.
“Yeah, think it helped,” Jayce snorted, “but when I looked around, I just thought, ‘yeah, this is what a new beginning looks like’. Gods, that sounds stupid,” he groaned covering his face with his hands.
“I don’t think so,” Viktor shrugged. Jayce pulled his hands away from his face, “No, I think it’s quite sweet. We often don’t know it’s a new beginning until we look back at it,”
Upon approaching the cabin, Jayce muttered down to Viktor, “I’m gonna just put you here,” he said, placing Viktor down by steps that led up to the platform. The cabin was small, it had been build over the edge of the lake, but the simplicity is what gave it beauty. The railing was constructed from pieces of wood criss-crossing one other, while the frames to the windows were pained a deep green and the lights by the doors looked to be intricate lanterns-esque.
Viktor let against the side of the cabin, Jayce has placed him down, letting out a painful groan and he stood back up. The guilt knotted in Viktor’s chest even more, he knew that Jayce was pushing himself, almost punishing himself. No matter how hard Viktor tried, nor how much he wanted to, Viktor’s body was lead, and he was trapped in a fate of his own making. Jayce twisted the door handled, leaning against the wooden panel, as Viktor took in the scenery, or at least tried to. There was nothing going through his mind.
Jayce laughed a little, celebrating the mini victory as the door gave way. He stumbling slightly through the door, he did not stop to look around the cabin, there was no one else there and a sofa, that was all he cared about. Jayce limped back over to Viktor, scooping him up once again with increasing difficulty, and trying to muster up the last of his energy to get them both inside the cabin.
Viktor was set on the sofa gently, Jayce limped to the door, closing and locking it behind. Jayce glanced around, the cabin seemed to be fairly well maintained, there were no personal touches to the place, no photos or trinkets. Everything seemed to be in good conditions. The living room and kitchen were connected, there were two doors, one leading to a modest bedroom and the other to a bathroom.
Jayce braced his hands against the sink, breathing in deeply and exhaling. He tried to ignore the pain that coursed through his leg, the ache in his back and the creak of his joints. He took a glance at himself in the mirror, he had aged a decade. The lines in his face had become more prominent, the bags under his eyes were the deepest they had ever been. He was a stranger to himself, he had lost much of his muscle, whoever it was looking back at him, Jayce did not like him. The vague reminder of a man who had once existed, a man who had so much potential, and had lost it all in a stupid mistake.
“Fuck,” his hissed under his breath, the longer he looked at himself, the more foreign he felt to himself. His heart ached at as it all began to wash over him, the reality of their situation, it was all gone, his life, his family. They had destroyed the Core, and were now left stranded in a different universe. The tears flooded down his cheeks as he gripped the sink harder. Jayce instinctively reached for the tap, twisting the knob and letting the water spill out.
Jayce cupped some in his hands and let it wash over his face, the feeling was glorious. He was never going to take the little things for granted ever again, he enjoyed the feeling of the cool water running along his face. He repeated the process a couple more times before shutting off the tap and giving himself another look in the mirror. He still looked older than he really was, just a little less grubby. Jayce did not let himself stare for too long, instead he swallowed the lump in his throat and moved towards the bath, checking to see if the water was working there as well.
He let the bath fill up with warm water, his focus was getting Viktor cleaned up and in new clothes. That was something his mother always told him would help if he felt ill, a nice wash and some clean clothes. Albeit, Viktor was more than just ill, but it was going to be a start. Jayce bit back the pain that settled in his chest, the tightness that he was too familiar with, the panic that settled deep down, he did not know how to help Viktor.
Letting the bath fill with water, Jayce snooped around the bedroom, looking for new clothes for the both of them. The wooden wardrobe creaked as he pulled the door open, the draws had to be wiggled free from their place. Jayce wished the cabin owner nothing short of a good life, as he pulled the remaining clothes out of the draws and piled them together. He had found a couple of jumpers and some pyjama bottoms. There were also some loose fitting trousers and some random tops too. The musty smell of the cabin had sunk into the clothes, but Jayce was not about to become picky.
When the next day arrived, Jayce was in a level of pain that he had never experienced before. The knives that were driving themselves into his leg nearly brought tears to his eyes, the ache in his joints, the weakness that had settled beneath it all. Peaked a glance to the body laying beside him, he had dreamt of the ravine again, but instead of being alone, he was with the corpse of Viktor. His skin was pale, his body was cold and the voices taunted Jayce once again. He woke up, panicked that he had in fact carried a corpse across a forrest.
While the moon still illuminated the outside world, Jayce paced two fingers the pulse point on Viktor’s next. The slow and steady rhythm gave Jayce a moment of relief. But he could not sleep again, instead he tried to clear his mind, focusing on his surroundings, beside him was a sleeping Viktor, his breathing was consistent. He tried to move, but the pain was too much, be could not investigate the cabin further, not when his body demanded he stay as still as possible.
The guilt and panic settled in his chest once more, out of the two of them, he seemed to be the one who was more likely to be able to get things done. Instead he was laying in bed, unable to move, unable to provide for Viktor. They were both scared, bruised and damaged. Jayce held up his hands weakly, his skin was rough, there were pale lines along his fingers. His arms did not look any better, he traced the foreign skin with his eyes. A thought crashed over him, the scar along his back, the feeling of chain saw echoed.
The thoughts were too much, overwhelming his mind, he wanted to get them out, he wanted to scribble them and burn the paper. Most of all, he wanted to scream a Viktor, he wanted to beg and plead that he finally get up, that he finally say something, anything. But he was laying there, on his side. Jayce wanted to cry, he wanted to call Viktor ‘selfish’ for so many different reasons. This was their life now, and he could not understand why Viktor was stuck in his state. In all honesty, he could not understand much of what Viktor had done over the past year.
He tried to make sense of it all, but his sleep staved mind could not ward off the intrusive thoughts. Instead of being rational, his mind bullied not only Viktor, but himself too. His anger and disgust at the both of them piled up, they had both been selfish, they had both been desperate. Jayce remembered the feeling that ran through his body when he saw Viktor’s corpse, it was the same feeling that rushed through his veins when he was a child. He was desperate to save Viktor, desperate to have just one more day, one more moment. He had experienced a life without Viktor once, he could not do it again.
The sun slipped through a small crack in the curtains, Jayce inhaled deeply, and exhaled again. Before he was to do anything, he pulled himself up, walking over to Viktor’s side of the bed, he gently moved Viktor onto his back; the last thing either of them needed to be dealing with were bed sores. Viktor was awake, but a million miles away. Just as Jayce did not recognise the man in the mirror, he could not recognise the man in the bed. They were both imposters, living the stolen lives of men who once were.
Jayce brought in a shaky breath, he needed to find some more food for the two of them. The cabin must have been left a while ago, the dust that had settled on the surfaces must be a year old. The food was limited but still edible. And the clothes were musty with holes chewed in random places. But everything still worked, the cocker still had gas, the pipes still had water, and the lights switched on. There was a small amount of wood left for the hearth, last night had taught Jayce that while the day was warm, when the goes away, it takes the heat with it.
He brought in a few pieces of wood, enough to last them the night. He set them down by the hearth and got back to cooking some food. An unopened tin of powdered milk sat alone on a shelf, while a packets of oats sat in a different cupboard. Jayce made the best out of a confusing situation, adding the ingredients together, making a slightly bitter porridge. That was their life, for a the first week.
Jayce would grit through the day, his anger and pain building up, while Viktor would lay there, trapped in a hell of his own creation. In all fairness, Jayce too was trapped in a hell of his own making. He spoke to himself most of the day, muttering about how much pain he was in, how annoyed he was and how lonely he felt. While Viktor was there, unmoving. Jayce spent a day in the forest, looking for food, and a much needed break from the reminder of what he had done.
He came back with a rabbit in hand, pain coursing through his body, to Viktor sat by a burning fire, prodding at the logs. Jayce thought about saying something, but the words caught in his throat. It was official, he had gone crazy. He was hallucinating again. That was the only logical answer he could come with. Because he had not seen Viktor move by himself in a week, and now he was watching the man place with the logs in the hearth, that was unlit when he left. Instead of returning to a shell of Viktor, he was greeted with a slightly alive version.
Jayce placed the rabbit on the side, leaving it in the kitchen, that was going to be a problem for later. He slowly limped over to the man by the hearth, who was clutching his knees to his chest, watching the fire with awe. Jayce gracelessly joined Viktor on the floor, the heat from the hearth broke through the damp coldness from outside. Viktor still looked pale, he was in an oversized jumper and bottoms, but Jayce’s heart fluttered when the reality set in.
“Got a bit cold,” Viktor’s voice was rough, he had not spoken a word in a week and it was telling, “Thought you would like to come home to something warm,” Jayce reached out, brushing hair out of Viktor’s face. Viktor brought in a shaky breath, “Besides, you have done so much,” he shrugged
Jayce let his hand graze along Viktor’s shoulders. His arm wrapped gently around his shoulders, pulling him closer, letting Viktor rest his head on Jayce’s shoulder, “Thank you,” he whispered, looking into the fire. Jayce let his fingers thread through Viktor’s hair, it was slightly greasy, and he was sweaty, but that was the least of his concern.
Viktor deflated slightly at the reply, “I should be thanking you,” his voice was meek, this was the first time that Jayce had hear him speak with so much uncertainty. There would always be an air of confidence or cockiness to Viktor, when he spoke, there would be so much that he would put behind his words, and now, it was as if even he did not know what words would come tumbling out of his mouth, “And apologising,” he added, as the tears began falling silently.
Jayce let out a deep sigh, every script that he had rehearsed was falling short at the reality of the situation, “You don’t need to,” he reassured, his voice soft. Pressing a kiss against the crown of Viktor’s head, Jayce felt the tremble of Viktor’s body, who had managed to curl himself up so tight, hiding away from the world. Jayce thought about all the threats Viktor would dole out if he even thought about being careful with Viktor, this was uncharted territory for the both of them; vulnerability.
“No,” Viktor cut in, with a little more definition behind his voice, “No, you are not letting me get off that easily. I cannot live with the memories of what I have done, I cannot go on knowing how much pain I caused,” Viktor’s voice shuts off, a sob wracking through his body, “What I created,” he stammered, “that was beyond what any human should have to endure. The pain and the loss,” he muttered in disbelief, “That is unforgivable,”
Jayce looked into the fire, there was something undeniably hypnotic about the way the flames danced, “But I promised you,” Jayce breathed out.
“But you asked me to stay,” Viktor sobs, shaking his head, “I should have stayed,”
Jayce thought about the comments he could make about it, in truth, he had thought of the comments for a long time. The anger, the pain, the things that he would yell at Viktor. But when push came to shove, when he was sat there actually having the conversation, he could not muster up the hateful words he once wanted to spit, “We can make ourselves sick over thinking about what we should’ve done,” Jayce offers, “What has happened, had happened, we are here and alive, that is all we’ve gotta concern ourselves with,”
“But I should not be alive after all I have done,” Viktor whimpers, Jayce gripped Viktor’s shoulders even tighter, worrying that he would slip away if he let go, “I’m so sorry. How can you look at me, you know what I’ve done, and yet… here you are, looking after me,” Viktor said, his words filled with cynicism, “After what I did to you,” he cried, “I’m a monster,” he said simply, Jayce’s was stunned to silence, “I did something so unforgivable,” he spat, clenching his fists.
“All because I wanted to live. We all have our times, and I decided that I knew better and defy the laws of science. How desperate is that?” Viktor scoffed at himself, his hands trembling he pulled his legs tighter into his chest, “How selfish is that?” he added, “And I’m still here, after everything I have done. What am I supposed to do now? Beg for forgiveness?” Viktor asked, “No,” he uttered, shaking his head, "That is too easy,”
“No, c’mon, you can’t think that,” Jayce hissed, the words died on his tongue, the hypocrisy set in. It was only a couple of weeks ago he was ready to call Viktor all the names under the sun for what he had done. But when you strip him away from the core, when you bring down the reinforced walls that he built, Viktor was still that scared boy from Zaun, riddled with illness he was forced to live with — you are left with someone who was never give a choice to begin with.
Sighing deeply, Jayce mustered up the words to try again, “I’m not going to absolve you of what you did,” he said honestly, “but I’m not also gonna blame you for all of it. We make decisions, and they were the wrong ones. They were selfish and inexcusable, not everything that happened was all your fault, I should have destroyed the Hexcore when you told me to, but didn’t, because it was my life’s work. And because… I couldn’t lose you,” he professed, “But I did lose you in the end,” tears began burning down his cheeks.
Jayce cleared his through, trying to bypass the lump that had sat there for days, “And I had to live a life without you, you were gone, and I couldn’t admit it, so I was stupid and impulsive, like always,” he tried to let out a small laugh, but it was caught in his through and came out more like a sob, “I didn’t think through everything, and didn’t like the reality, so I tried to change it. But I just wanted you, I would’ve done anything in that moment, including switching places with you,”
Viktor tried to open his mouth, but Jayce did not let him, “Because I love you, and a world without you in it, isn’t a world I want to live in,” Jayce admitted. Any words of admonishment died on Viktor’s tongue, instead Viktor let his head fall against Jayce’s shoulder, with tears streaming down his cheeks. Viktor let go of his legs, his arm creeping around Jayce’s waist, pulling the two of them impossibly closer.
“I love you too,” Viktor replied after a moment of nothing but the crackling front the fire. His heart twisted as the words washed over the both of them, those same words that died on his tongue years ago, “but I lost myself, and now I’m…” he stopped talking, he was reminded of what he looked like, who he had become. While Jayce was hunting, Viktor looked at himself for the first time in too long. The scars that littered his body, a bitter reminder of the body he once inhabited, surgery scars mixed with scars from the Hexcore. He had lost weight, his was paler than before, he tried to recognise the stranger looking back at him, “I don’t know who I am anymore,”
“You’re you,” Jayce said simply, pressing another kiss into Viktor’s hair, “You’re the same Viktor who loved to make jokes about my ego, who out drank me every Festival we went to. You’re the same Viktor who would calm me down, but also threw up at competitions because of how badly I stressed you out. You’re the same brilliant man who saved my life and helped me find a purpose again,” Jayce’s voice shook at the memories, tears still spilling out of his eyes, “And, as far as I’m covered, you’re still the same bastard who hogs the duvet,”
Viktor laughed weakly, “I get cold,” he shrugged.
Jayce sucked his teeth, “I’m literally a human furnace,” Jayce sighed, a smile gracing his face.
“I wouldn’t want to let you go,” Viktor said shyly, a warm feeling flooded his chest.
“Well I hope not,” Jayce exclaimed, looking down a Viktor practically hiding away in Jayce’s shoulder, “Boy, after everything we’ve gone through, you better not think I’m letting you out of my reach again,” he reassured, tightening his grip on Viktor’s shoulders. Viktor let out a small laugh, that sound was music to Jayce. After a moment, Jayce opened his mouth again, “Remember the first Spring Festival we celebrated together?”
Viktor hummed in acknowledgment, he had began to play with the hem of Jayce’s jumper, “I remember you trying to keep up with me, and ultimately I had to be the one to carry you home,” Viktor shook his head.
Jayce cringed that the small memories he could muster up, after the sun had gone down, Viktor and Jayce had already spent hours in the tents. Jayce made a bet that he could drink the same as Viktor and still be able to work the next morning. Instead, he used Viktor as a crutch to get him, because he was too unsteady, and he had to take the next two days off work, “No, um,” he stuttered out, “I mean the year before,”
Viktor’s face twisted with confusion, he had not gone the year prior, his body had been his enemy that week, “I couldn’t celebrate that year, I was too ill,”
Jayce shook his head, “We had our own version of it though, when we ate too much food and fell into food comas,”
Viktor stammered out, not letting the blush become visible, but Jayce had already noticed the shade of red that crept up Viktor’s ears, “I still can’t believe you did that, you loved the Spring Festival,” Viktor confessed.
“I said I wanted to spend it with you, I spent it with you,” Jayce shrugged.
The rabbit was not forgotten, it was still sitting on the countertop in the kitchen, while the sun began to fall behind the trees.
Jayce took a moment, brining in a breath, the musky smell mixed with the smoke of the heart. The knot in his chest loosened ever so slightly. He felt Viktor underneath his touch, it was true that Viktor was always cold in one way, but he felt more human to Jayce that he had a week ago. Jayce continued to play with Viktor’s hair, staring into the fire, trying to think of a meal they could have.
Viktor thought about the imposter in the mirror, wearing his face and a strangers clothes. He had finally been granted a body that he spent his life fantasying about. His limps worked, his legs held his weight and his back was no longer in need of support. He did not limp, he did not let out awful coughs. He was living in a body that was not his. It felt all types of wrong, looking at that imposter in the mirror, Viktor was given everything he had ever wanted, but at the cost of so much. This was not a life he deserved.
“What do we do know?” Viktor asked.
“We just keep living,” Jayce replied, “It’s all we can do,”