Chapter Text
If theres one thing Kai will never forget, for as long as he lives, its the time he visited his grandmother in the hospital for the last time. He saw her pale, frail frame lying motionless in the hospital bed. The way her hands shook as she reached out for him. The sight of all the wires and tubes all around. The churning of the oxygen machine.
He made a vow to himself at that time. To never, ever, get sick.
When he became an idol, that vow took on a whole other meaning. He couldn't get sick, because that would mean having to sit out of performances, or worse, losing his job entirely. He couldn't risk that.
Getting sick was his worse fear.
So when he heard Yeonjun retching in the bathroom on the other side of the house, his heartrate started to rise. He flicked his wrist to light up his watch, showing his heartrate climb upwards.
He sighed, hearing yet more retchinig. It was a conflict he wouldn't wish on his worst enemy: do I risk getting sick myself to comfort my hyung, or do I keep my distance, stay far far away to avoid getting sick, at risk of looking cold, not being able to provide any sort of comfort or help?
He didn't like being the useless one in situations like these. He heard various footsteps, likely soobin rushing around to try and take care of him. When he heard the footsteps coming towards his room, he quickly acted asleep again. He heard the door to his room slowly open, but kept his eyes shut.
"Kai, you asleep?" Soobin said quietly. Kai stayed frozen, not responding.
Kai heard his door creak shut again, and the footsteps fade away. He was safe to open his eyes again. He took a deep breath, but didn't bother trying to go back to sleep.
The next morning, they all climbed into the car to head to the studio for practice. Kai went in first, and sat down, but when yeonjun claimed the seat right next to him, he felt his chest tighten.
He flicked his wrist to watch his heartrate climb again. It got up to 100bpm, and kai knew he couldn't sit there. He needed to swap.
"Beomgyu hyung, can we swap seats?" He said out of nowhere. Beomgyu turned back to look at him with a confused expression.
"Why?"
"Because... I get car sick. So I want to be near the front."
"Since when do you get car sick? Don't lie, hyuka." Yeonjun says with a frown.
"I do! I swear, now swap with me." Kai says.
"Jeez, If i smell just say so." Yeonjun mumbles.
"You don't, I just want to sit in the front!" Kai retorts.
"Fine, whatever." Beomgyu says, standing up with a shrug, and him and Kai swap. Kai sighs in relief as he sits down, now sat away from Yeonjun. He flicks his wrist to light up his watch, and see his heartrate drop again.
"Oh yeah, hyung, are you ok now?" Beomgyu says, now that he's sat next to yeonjun.
"Oh yeah, that. I'm fine, I was just a bit hungover." Yeonjun says with a chuckle. "I'm fine now."
Kai can't help but feel a little stupid now. Still, better safe than sorry, right?
They arrive at practice, and Kai continues to keep a bit of a distance from Yeonjun. Unfortunately, he wasn't as subtle about it as he wanted to be, and yeonjun was starting to notice.
"Did I do something wrong, Kai? It feels like you're avoiding me." Yeonjun says with a sigh of frustration.
"No, you didn't do anything." Kai responds with a shrug.
"Then why are you avoiding me? I don't bite. You're acting like I stink or something." Yeonjun says, proceeding to sniff his own shirt to see if he really did.
"I don't mean to, sorry. You're fine." Kai says, forcing a smile. Yeonjun smiles, bringing Kai into a tight side hug. Kai holds his breath.
"Now stop acting weird, silly." Yeonjun says, ruffling the maknaes hair, before they get back to practicing. Kai releases the breath he was holding.
When they take a bathroom break, Kai makes sure to wash his hands thoroughly afterwards. He tries to stop thinking about all the germs lingering on his hands and in the air, on his clothes, on the floor. It's fine, Kai. You're fine.
Back at practice, they start practicing for a dance break they're doing at the upcoming awards show. It's an intense one, and since TXT are always known for their energetic and intense choreo, of course they have to step it up another notch to wow people even more.
Kai gets a little nervous as they learn the steps and mark through them. They're difficult and tiring just from marking, and he's already struggling to keep his balance. If this is how it is just marking it, what will it be like to go full out?
"Alright guys, full energy, from the top." Their choreographer shouts with a clap, and they get into their places as the music starts to play.
Kai tries his best, but honestly the dance break scares him a little bit, so he doesn't do it as full-out as he knows he can in theory. The music stops abruptly, causing everyone to falter.
"Kai, that doesn't look like full energy to me. What's up? Feeling ok? Why aren't you going for it? Everyone else is putting there all into it and you're just marking. Did you not hear me say full energy?"
"Sorry." Kai says simply, with a quick bow. The others send quick glances his way, laced with concern, and a hint of disappointment. He takes a deep breath, as he feels his heart thrumming in his chest. He flicks his wrist to light up his watch, and check his heartrate.
"Ok, lets just go from just before the dance break, full energy please, guys."
Kai sighs, as they shuffle into positions and the music starts up again. Kai goes for it this time.
As much as he hates disobeying the choreographer, he's kind of wishing he did this time, as he feels his foot jerk sideways as he lands a jump awkwardly.
He tries to right himself and keep going, but it hurts, and he hobbles. The music stops again, and kai flops to the ground, grabbing onto his foot.
"Are you alright? Did you sprain it?" Soobin says calmly, crouching down next to him.
"See, this is why i didn't want to go full out." Kai says, and the others glance around, in shock at his stroppy attitude coming out.
"Well, we're all fine. You just landed wrong, Kai." Beomgyu mumbles, with a shrug. Kai glares at him, making Beomgyu hold his hands up in surrender and turn away.
"How much does it hurt, can you put weight on it?" Soobin says, ignoring the bickering and attitude to assess the situation at hand.
"Kinda, but it really hurts. What if it's broken, hyung? I don't want to have to sit out of the performance. Ugh, I'm so stupid, I should have been more careful." Kai rambles to himself.
"Woah now, chill out, Kai. You'll be alright. It's probably just sprained."
"I don't know-" Kai says to himself, when the choreographer comes over. He makes kai wiggle his toes, and roll his foot in a circle to assess the damage.
"You're fine, it's just a sprain." He says, after kai is able to do both, despite wincing while doing so. "You should have kept going. A sprain isn't bad enough to be collapsing to the ground for."
Soobin and yeonjun both glare at the choreographer with supressed anger and shock.
"Kai's just a baby." Beomgyu says, full of sass. Kai glares at him.
"I'm not a baby! It really hurt, alright? What if it really is broken? I didn't want to keep going and make things worse for myself."
"It's not broken, Kai, it's just a sprain. Some ice and rest and you'll be fine." Yeonjun assures, but at this point, kais convinced himself it's definitely broken, to the point of his own brain producing false memories.
"But I think I heard a snap!" Kai retorts. Everyone glances at each other. Soobin sighs.
"We can go to the ER if you want to get it checked out to be sure, but I really don't think it's broken, Kai. It probably just shocked you a little."
"Go sit to the side and rest it. If it still hurts later, you can go to the ER, but we don't want to be going unnecessarily." The choreographer orders. Soobin helps Kai to stand up and hobble to the chairs at the side. As they do so, Kai starts to realise it doesn't hurt as bad as it did at first. No, it's just adrenaline covering up the pain. he thinks.
But of course, after some rest and ice, it improves enough that he can join in the dance practice again just a few hours later. Kai felt a little stupid for making a scene out of what ultimately was just a jolted ankle. It wasn't even sprained. Maybe Beomgyu was right, maybe he is just a baby when it comes to pain.
Later, when they get home, yeonjun and soobin make a pot full of ramyeon for them to eat before bed. It's late, and they probably shouldn't eat so close to sleeping, but they haven't had a chance to eat before now.
Kai thought he was starving. He certainly felt it. But when he smelt the smell of the ramyeon, he started to feel nauseous. The thought of being sick was absolutely terrifying, so when everyone else was digging in, eagerly slurping up the ramyeon, he made no moves to eat any. Yeonjun immediately looked at him worriedly.
"Kai? Why aren't you eating?" He asks urgently. Kai shrugs.
"Just not that hungry." He says, with an unconvincing smile.
"Kai, we've hardly eaten all day, how are you not hungry?" Yeonjun says, eyebrows creasing together in concern. "Are you worried about your image or something?"
"No, I just... feel a little nauseous, that's all." Kai says, not bothering to hide it. "I don't want to eat and make it worse and end up being sick."
"You're probably nauseous because we haven't eaten all day. Try eating a little bit Kai. Please, I can't have you starving." Soobin insists. Kai sighs, but gives in.
"Geez, what's with you're attitude today Kai?" Beomgyu says with a frown.
"What attitude?"
"First you're weird to yeonjun hyung, then you don't try during dance practice, then you sass our choreographer when you fall, then you act like a baby over a jolted ankle, and now you're sighing when the hyungs are just being worried about you. Get it together!"
Kai frowns, feeling an arrow through his chest. He flicks his wrist to check his watch again, seeing his heartrate rise. He gulps.
"Sorry, I didn't realise."
Beomgyu isn't really buying it, but he drops it, stuffing himself with ramyeon. Kai grabs a small portion, and struggles to get it down. He waits nervously for the nausea to rise and for him to run to the bathroom, but it doesn't happen. The nausea is gone, only the ache of hunger remains. He eats a little more, just enough to satiate the ache of hunger. Soobin keeps a close eye on him this whole time. He's glad Kai ate something, but it still doesn't seem like enough for someone who went nearly all day without eating anything.
"Are you not going to have any more, Kai?" Soobin asks. Kai shakes his head.
"I'm fine, thank you, hyung."
"Are you sure? We hardly ate all day, Kai. I know its not the most nourishing meal, but it's important you eat enough, or you'll make yourself sick." Soobin says.
Darn it. Now I have to choose the lesser of two evils. Kai thinks. eat more and possibly end up being sick, or not eating enough and making myself sick in the longer run.
"I think i'll just have some fruit or something." Kai says, standing up to grab an orange from their endless reserve in the fridge.
"Ok... if you're sure." Soobin says, watching as he does so.
Kai strolls back to his room, nibbling on the orange as he scrolls through his phone. He starts going down a research hole, and soon finds himself ordering various supplements. After all, they can only do good, right? They'll help him to avoid getting sick. He already takes some, but more can't hurt, surely?
He eventually sees it's passed midnight, and shuts his phone off, getting into bed, and going to sleep.
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Kai works hard at practice the next day, to make up for the mishaps of the day before. He was starting to be afraid that the others thought he wasn't working hard enough, so he made sure to work extra hard, no matter how much his anxiety told him he was going to break his ankle again, or fall and concuss himself so bad he'll never wake up-
He shakes his head, trying to get those thoughts to go away as they get in position to start the song again. He takes a deep breath, and goes for it.
Probably went a little too hard. His fears came true. His anxiety was right.
He felt a warm wet sensation dribble from his nostril, down onto his lip. When he went to lick it away, hoping it was just sweat, the taste was metallic. He stopped, looking in the mirror, and seeing a red streak on his face. He wipes the blood away, staring at it on his fingers as his heart rate starts to rise rapidly. Everyone else slowly stops when they see kai has stopped, wondering what's happening.
"Kai? What's wrong?" Soobin asks, and its only once he's in front of kai that he sees the blood. "oh-"
"Someone grab some tissues!" Yeonjun yells. Kai feels like he can't breathe, and he can't help but start crying.
"Oh, Kai, it'll be alright, don't cry-" Soobin was a little taken aback, seeing Kai cry. It's a rare sight. Kai wishes he could express why he's so scared, but he can hardly breathe, let alone talk. It's not long before beomgyu arrives with a handful of tissues, handing them to yeonjun who uses them to catch the blood. Beomgyu scrunches his nose up in distaste.
"Are you seriously crying over a nosebleed?-"
"Beomgyu, please." Soobin says sternly.
"I got nosebleeds like every day as a kid, its really not a big deal kai, just shove a tissue up your nose and carry on."
"Beomgyu!" Soobin warns again. "You may be used to them, but kai is not. Have some compassion, will you?"
Beomgyu rolls his eyes, turning away. Kai desperately tries to pull himself together.
"It's alright Kai, you probably just pushed yourself a little too hard." Soobin comforts, rubbing his back. Yeonjun switches tissues as one gets too covered, and kai sees the deep red in the corner of his eyes. It makes him feel a little lightheaded and nauseous. Of course, this makes his anxiety worse. Surely he's definitely dying right now, right?
"Lets get you sat down. Take deep breaths, alright? You'll be ok Kai, I promise. I'm sure it's nothing serious." Soobin assures, while taehyun scurries to grab the nearest chair and place it behind Kai. Yeonjun and Soobin help Kai to sit back in the chair. Kai tries his best to take deep breaths, but he's restricted to only breathing through his mouth.
"I feel like i'm dying-" Kai manages to shakily blurt out. Soobin and yeonjun speak over each other as they're quick to shut that thought down.
"You're alright Kai. It's just a nosebleed." Soobin says gently.
"You're not bleeding that heavily, I'm sure you'll be ok." Yeonjun assures.
"I f-feel sick." Kai says, swallowing deeply to try and will the nausea away. Beomgyu rolls his eyes, dropping his folded arms.
"So much drama over a nosebleed...." He mumbles. Soobin immediately glares back at him.
"Do I need to tell you to leave?" Soobin says sternly.
"He's being a baby! He's twenty-one, not five years old!" Beomgyu yells back.
"Beomgyu!" Soobin says with a frown. He can't believe Beomgyu would say something like that... "Get out. You're not helping. Get out, and come back when you're ready to have some sympathy for your member."
Beomgyu stomps out, and Soobin turns right back to kai, gently rubbing his back.
"I'm so sorry Kai. I don't know what's with his attitude today. Don't listen to him, alright? Just focus on those deep breaths, you'll be alright."
Yeonjun turns the tissue over, and waits a moment until he sees more blood before returning the tissue. "I think the bleeding is slowing down. You'll be ok Kai."
"Do you still feel sick?" Soobin checks.
"Y-yeah." Kai answers, realising he can't just nod, thanks to Yeonjuns firm hold on his head, tissue held carefully to his nose.
"Ok, well if you think you're going to throw up, give us warning. Taehyun, do you think you could grab a trash can or something in case?" Soobin orders, and Taehyun nods, grabbing the nearest bin in the room, plonking it in front of Kai.
Soobin brushes Kais hair back and resumes rubbing his back. "Keep breathing, Kai. You're alright."
Yeonjun moves the tissue away, grabbing a new one. The bleeding has almost fully slowed now. He tells kai to gently breathe through his nose to give it some air to help it fully stop, and after catching a few more drops of blood, it ends, and Kai tries his best to compose himself. At that point, Beomgyu saunters in. Soobin glares at him, ready to have to tell him off again, but he simply hands him some tissues that have been soaked in water.
"To clean up." He states, as Soobin takes it.
"Thank you..." Soobin mumbles, and then kneels in front of Kai, to gently clean the blood that had dried on his nose and lip. Kai was afraid to even move in case it starts again.
"Ok now?" Soobin checks, and after a moment, Kai nods. "Think you'll be able to continue practice?"
"I-I don't want it to start again. Maybe I should sit out for a bit longer." Kai mumbles, still wiping away tears. He catches beomgyu rolling his eyes, but not saying anything.
"That's ok, lets just move you out the way so we can carry on, is that alright with you?" Soobin asks, and Kai nods, standing up to let the others move the chair back to the side of the room. Taehyun moves the bin as well, keeping it near Kai, just in case. Beomgyu silently hands Kai his waterbottle.
"T-thank you-" Kai mumbles, but Beomgyu had already wandered away.
Kai sighs, watching the others get back to practice. He flicks his wrist and watches his watch light up. His heartrate is still high from the panic. He's sure a high heartrate wouldn't help in these types of situations. He tries his best to keep taking deep breaths to slow it down, but now it only seems to be rising. The goblin that is anxiety starts nattering in the corner of his brain.
There's something wrong with your heart.
Kai holds his hand to his chest and feels his heart beating. It feels normal to him, beyond being fast and strong, but what does he know? He's not a doctor.
After a while, he hesitantly joins in practice again. He doesn't push too hard this time, trying not to move too harshly and start it again. Of course, it doesn't start again. Not a single drop. He starts to think maybe Beomgyu's right. Maybe he is being a bit dramatic.
When they get home from practice, Kai's new load of supplements had arrived. He quickly opens them up, taking a few.
The next morning, he lines up all the supplements he has to take, one by one. At that point, Yeonjun walks in.
"... You're taking all those supplements?" Yeonjun asks.
"yeah." Kai responds simply. Yeonjuns eyes narrow.
"... Did your doctor say you need them?" Yeonjun continues, getting worried.
"n-no, but it can't do any harm, right? Can't have too much of a good thing. It'll stop me from getting sick, right?" Kai retorts.
"Kai, you can have too much of a good thing. There is such thing as a vitamin overdose. You shouldn't be taking things you don't need, alright?" Yeonjun says, seriously.
"o-ok..." Kai says sheepishly, staring back at the long line of supplements in front of him. His heart starts to beat. Suddenly he doesn't want to take any of them. He flicks his wrist to check his watch.
Yeonjun pats his shoulders with a warm smile and walks off to get his own breakfast. Kai just continues to stare at the row of supplements in front of him, wondering which to take, and which to leave.
He ends up scooping them all into his hand, and throwing them away. He's too scared to take anything now.
He sits on his bed, phone in his hand, staring at his contacts. He wants to make an appointment with the doctor. What for, he doesn't really know. He just feels like he needs to speak to them. He feels like something, somewhere is wrong, and a doctor can find that, right?
He takes a deep breath, pressing the contact and it starts to ring.
It starts as usual, giving his name, date of birth, all the usual formalities. Then...
"What is the appointment for?" The receptionist asks, their tone as blasé as usual, simply sticking to their routine script.
"U-um... Just a check up." Kai says. He hears a few clicks and his heartrate continues to rise.
"Your last check up was only a few months ago, we generally only recommend check ups yearly, especially for someone of your age." The receptionist says.
"Y-yeah, well, I just kinda... feel like i need it?" Kai says, feeling just as unsure as he sounds.
"What's making you feel like you need a check up?" The receptionist asks, trying to get to the root of the issue.
"I don't really know..." Kai says, slightly shameful. Is he wasting their time?
"Well if there's nothing wrong, we can't really give you an appointment. We don't want to block up appointment slots for people who need them." The receptionist says.
Kai was conflicted. He wanted to just hang up there and then, knowing that this was all just stupid and its just his stupid brain convincing him something's wrong but...
"Please... I just need an appointment." He begs, pathetically.
"... Alright. Let me see what slots we have available." The receptionist gives in. She lists out some available appointment slots, and kai takes the next available one he can. Tomorrow afternoon.
He hangs up the phone, and sighs. Was this a mistake?
He spends the rest of the day constantly checking his watch. Constantly checking his heart rate. He swears something must be wrong with his heart, why does it always beat so fast, even when he's not doing anything?
"Jeez, kids these days. Addicted to their watches now." Beomgyu says slyly as he see's Kai flick his wrist up again. "Are we gonna have to take it off you?"
"What?" Kai says, stunned.
"You're checking that thing every two seconds. Are you waiting for something? What are you even looking at that's so important on there?"
Kai's cheeks burn red, as if he's been caught doing some heinous action. He shrugs.
"Nothing."
"Clearly you're looking at something, Kai. Is that thing connected to your phone? are you checking your notifications?" Beomgyu scoffs.
The anxiety Kai feels starts to take a backseat as its replaced with anger.
"Can't you just get off my back for once beomgyu? Do you not like me anymore or something? Why do you keep treating me like a child?" Kai snaps. At this point the others are watching tensely.
"Cause you are one. Crying over a sprained ankle, crying over a nosebleed, addicted to technology, what's next? Throwing a tantrum?"
"Beomgyu, seriously, zip it." Soobin steps in.
"Are none of you seeing any of this? Really? He's like an anxious teenager again! I thought we were through this phase. Are we sure you're 21? Do we need to check your birth certificate again?"
Kai felt like he'd been stabbed straight in the chest. Like a spear had punctured straight through his lungs and taken all the breath out of them. He can't breathe.
"Beomgyu, you need to leave. Now." Soobin says sternly. Beomgyu mutters a "whatever" and storms out. "I'm so sorry Kai, I don't know what's gotten into him. Nothing's you're fault, ok?"
Kai doesn't respond. He can't find the breath to be able to let out a sound. Soobin immediately recognises the signs - no sound of breathing, the straining in his neck. Panic attack.
"Kai, you need to breathe. Breathe with me, ok?" Soobin grabs Kais hand, tracing his fingers up and down with each breath. Kai struggles to follow. He starts to cough in a desperate attempt to clear his airways, but of course, theres nothing really blocking them. Taehyun starts to pat his back to try and help him out, but it does nothing, because theres nothing to dislodge.
The others are left somewhat confused. Coughing wasn't really something that happened in panic attacks. Was this... something else?
Soobin caught a glance as Kais watch lit up, and saw his heartrate. It was nearing 200bpm. Alarmingly fast. Something really isn't right here. It's starting to seem like more than a panic attack.
"Kai, I think you should sit down, alright? Let me help you." He gently helps Kai down to the floor. The others all lower themselves down too. As soobin takes Kais hand again, he sees his nails turning purple. He looks up, and sees his lips turning a similar shade. This really isn't good.
"I-I think one of you should call an ambulance." Soobin mutters. Yeonjun wastes no time pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialling 119.
Kai is still coughing, continuously forcing more and more air out of his lungs. Soobin tries everything he knows to try and get kai to breathe, but nothing works.
Before long, Kai's eyes go from scrunched in panic, to relaxed, not-quite closed, and very zoned out. Kai would pass out soon if he didn't get any air.
"kai, please, breathe." Soobin begs for the last time, but of course, it doesn't work. Kai starts to fall to one side. Soobin is sure to catch him before he hits the floor too hard. He starts doing all the usual things he would do to try and wake someone up, but he stops in his tracks. Taehyun spots it too, and looks up at Soobin with wide eyes. The twitching, the jerks.
Is this a seizure?
At that point the ambulance arrives. They come in, quickly giving Kai oxygen and helping him onto a stretcher. Soobin looks up to see beomgyu standing worriedly in the doorway. He sighs.
"Is-Is he having a seizure?" Taehyun asks nervously.
"I think it's just convulsive syncope. Sometimes people twitch like this when they pass out, but they'll probably order an EEG at the hospital to be sure." The paramedic says. Their hearts all sink. Is there something wrong with their kai?
When Kai wakes up, he's not sure where he is. His throat hurts, his chest hurts - everything hurts. His brain starts to process his surroundings - the white sheets laid over him, the beeping from the machine next to him, the slight sting in his hand. He's in a hospital.
The beeping from the machine quickly gets faster. He feels someone grip his hand tighter, and looks over. Beomgyu is sat teary eyed next to the bed, holding his hand.
"h-hyung?" Kai squeaks out, his voice half lost. "Why am I in hospital? What happened?"
"Something happened, Kai. We're not sure what yet, but you'll be ok. I promise."
"I want to go home... where are the others?" Kai whispers.
"They're not far away, don't worry. I just... wanted to talk with you alone." Beomgyu says. "I'm so sorry Kai. I'm sorry I treated you so poorly recently. Theres no excuse for it, but..."
Beomgyu sighs. The beeping from the machine starts to slow.
"I guess I just didn't really understand... I didn't understand why you were so anxious about being sick. Maybe its because I'm used to it. You know I got sick a lot as a child. I'm used to all this. You're not. I didn't really understand why this all seemed to scare you so much because it's all i've ever known. And maybe... Maybe I was a bit jealous. Everyone knows i'm used to it, so they just let me get on with it, but then i see the others, caring for you, comforting you... I don't get that when I get sick. But it still scares me too. I still hate getting sick. I'm just... used to it." Beomgyu shrugs.
Kai gulps.
"To be honest, I think I was more than just a little anxious about being sick... When I was seven, the first time I ever set foot in a hospital, was to visit my grandma. She was sick. Very sick. It was the last time I saw her. And to be honest, It really, really scared me. And then, when we debuted, the fear got worse, because I knew if i got sick or hurt, I wouldn't be able to do my job. I was scared of getting so sick, or so hurt, i'd have to quit altogether, and leave you guys behind. I don't want that..."
Both of them struggle to hold their tears back.
"I'm sorry Kai... I didn't know." Beomgyu says shakily.
"It's ok, you couldn't have known." Kai says back.
After a while of silence, the two managed to compose themselves. Kai sniffles. "Can the others come back now?"
"of course, I'll text soobin." He says, quickly scrambling to get his phone out. Of course, the others came running back. Yeonjun engulfed kai in a tight hug. Soobin gave Beomgyu a look, to which Beomgyu gave a knowing nod. Soobin smiles.
The beeping of the machine slows down to a steady pace.
They all sit around Kai's bed, trying to make him laugh, or smile at least.
Then the doctor comes in. The beeping of the machine gets faster again. Beomgyu reaches out to hold Kai's hand again, and gives him a reassuring look. You'll be ok, I promise.
"Kai, how are you feeling?" The doctor asks.
"Achy." Kai says with a squeak. The doctor hums.
"That's to be expected. If you want any more painkillers just ask a nurse, and they can give you some more. As to the incident, theres many things it could be. From speaking to the others, It's possible it could have just been a particularly bad panic attack, however we do want to make sure we can rule out other possibilities first. We want to do a test for asthma, to make sure it wasn't an asthma attack you were experiencing. Considering you have no history of it, its unlikely, since its rare for people to develop asthma later in life, but it is possible, so we need to test for it to be sure."
Kai nods. Beomgyu squeezes his hand. You'll be ok.
"The other thing that causes us some worry is that you present some convulsions after passing out. We need to rule out any seizure activity. It's quite common for people to twitch when passed out, but we just need to rule out the possibility of epilepsy or any other seizure disorder to be sure, so we'll be doing an EEG for that."
Kai nods. "um, what do those tests involve?"
"To test for asthma, we have a machine, that you blow into, and it measures various different things, like nitrous oxide levels, and lung capacity, how fast you can breath out, things like that. The EEG will involve having a bunch of little sticky electrodes around your head, that measure your brain activity. You'll keep them on just for a period of time so we can measure for any unusual or seizure activity."
Kai nods. At least neither of them sound especially painful.
"What happens if you do find something with those tests..." Kai asks nervously.
"Well, if you test positive for asthma, we will prescribe inhalers and medication, it can be easy to manage, depending on the severity. If we measure seizure activity, we may have to do further testing to work out the cause, and from there the treatment may involve surgery, or it could involve just medication, depending on the causes and what's best for you."
Kai nods. Beomgyu speaks up. "When can he go home?"
"We'd like to keep him in for 24 hours to observe in case a similar event happens again. Depending on scheduling, we may be able to fit those tests in within those 24 hours so you won't have to come back, but it depends how booked up the equipment is, but you can come back later for those tests if need be."
They all nod sadly. They all wish they could take Kai home and take care of him there, but of course, he's safer here.
"Did you want some more painkillers? If so, I can grab a nurse on my way out." The doctor adds, and Kai nods sheepishly.
"Alright, just rest up for now, alright? I'll be back before your discharge tomorrow, if not before." The doctor bows, and the others all bow back - kai does his best to bow with his head - and he leaves the room.
"Are you nervous about those tests, Kai?" Beomgyu asks softly. Kai eventually nods.
"That's ok. I think its normal to be a bit nervous. Just remember that the doctors and nurses are all here to care for you, and no matter what the results are, we'll be here for you all the way, ok?" Soobin adds. Kai nods, and smiles.
They managed to schedule both tests within the 24 stay, and both came back normal. As nervous as kai was for the tests, when they both came back clear, he breathed a huge sigh of relief. He knew he was fine.
That afternoon, he attended that doctors appointment he had booked. Beomgyu came along for moral support.
"So, Kai, you're here for a... check up?" The doctor says, checking her database.
"Well uh... thats what I said at the time, but now... I have something more specific to mention." Kai said, nervously rubbing his thighs.
"Ok, what can I help you with?"
"Umm..." Kai takes a deep breath. It feels hard to admit. "I uh... i've had some bad anxiety recently..."
Beomgyu squeezes his hand tightly.
"Bad feels like a bit of an understatement. He passed out yesterday from a panic attack. Put him in hospital."
The doctor nods understandingly.
"Is there anything in particular causing this anxiety?"
Kai gulps. "It's health related. I constantly feel like somethings wrong with me, and i'm going to get sick or die."
The doctor hums. "You know, it's quite normal for people to have anxiety about their health, but if it gets to the point where it's impacting your daily life, ironically, it almost becomes an illness of its own."
Kai nods knowingly.
"But you don't just have to suffer with it alone. We can help you." The doctor smiles, and turns to start typing on the computer. Beomgyu gives Kai a supportive smile.
"You have a few options. We can refer you for therapy, we have connections with a great therapist who works with health anxiety. We can also offer medication to ease the anxiety symptoms as well. I know sometimes the symptoms of the anxiety can trigger a downward spiral with health anxiety, so medication can help to ease that. Its up to you, you can try one or the other, or both. Whichever suits you."
Kai nods. "um..."
He takes a moment to think, and then nods again. "I think i'll try both to start with."
"Ok, I'll write the referral and your prescription. If you want to switch medication or therapist or just want a follow up, just make an appointment, ok?"
Kai nods, and feels a weight of his shoulders. He doesn't have to live with this for the rest of his life. Beomgyu smiles, squeezing his hand again, and they stand up, bowing to the doctor.
"Thank you, doctor." Kai says, before they leave.
----------------------------------------------
Kai woke up and tapped the screen of his watch. It lights up. 3am.
He hears the sound of someone throwing up in the bathroom. He chews on his lips as he feels his anxiety start to rise. no kai, you'll be ok. You won't get sick.
After another retch, he recognises it to be beomgyu.
"Maybe I was a bit jealous. Everyone knows i'm used to it, so they just let me get on with it, but then i see the others, caring for you, comforting you... I don't get that when I get sick. But it still scares me too. I still hate getting sick. I'm just... used to it."
Kai takes a deep breath, getting out of bed and heading to the bathroom. The door is ajar, a small strip of light flooding out through the gap. He pushes it open, to see Beomgyu leaning on the toilet. His pale complexion makes the dark circles under his eyes stand out. He looks exhausted. Kai gulps, shaking the anxiety out of his hand, and then kneels next to beomgyu, who looks over at him with sparkling eyes.
"Are you alright, hyung?" He asks quietly. Beomgyu sighs, blinking slowly.
"Yeah, I'll be fine." His voice creaks, as he slowly sits up, wincing.
"Are you sure? Do you want me to get anything? Shall i get some water? I'll see what medicines we have in the cabinet that might help."
Beomgyu sighs and nods, his puppy eyes getting somehow even more puppy-like.
"I'll be back in a bit, wait here." Kai says, quickly standing up and tiptoe-running through the dorm to the kitchen. He fills a glass up with water, and places it down on the side for a moment. He grips onto the marble surface, closing his eyes to take a deep breath. You'll be fine, Kai. You'll be ok. You won't get sick. You just have to help Beomgyu.
He stands up, grabbing the glass, and speed-walks as fast as he can without spilling the water everywhere, back to the bathroom.
"Here, take small sips. I'll look in the cabinet." He carefully hands the glass to beomgyu, making sure his hands are steady and not shaking too much, before rummaging through the cabinets. He stops abruptly when he hears sniffling. He looks down at beomgyu. He's crying.
"Oh, hyung, are you ok?" Kai says, quickly crouching down next to him, rubbing his back. Beomgyu nods, wiping his tears away.
"Thank you for caring for me..." Beomgyu wobbles out, and kai feels a little stab through his heart. He hugs Beomgyu tightly.
"You'll be ok, beomgyu hyung." Kai says softly. They stay that way for a moment, until kai moves away. "Do you still feel nauseous? in pain? Whats the status of the patient?"
This gets a huff and a slight smile from Beomgyu. "I'm not nauseous anymore, but my tummy still hurts, and my head."
"Ok, i'll give you some painkillers then." Kai says, standing up to rummage through the medicine cabinet again. He pulls out a box of paracetamol, pushing two pills out of the blister pack, and hands them to beomgyu.
Beomgyu takes them, and then kai helps him stand up, and walks him back to bed. Beomgyu is surprised when Kai climbs into bed with him, and lets out a confused sound.
"So i'll be here if you need me." Kai explains. "Or if you'd rather not, thats fine."
Beomgyu shakes his head. "No. Stay."
Kai smiles, pulling the covers over both of them. He plays with Beomgyus hair, knowing that helps him to sleep, and soon the two of them are sound asleep.
It's safe to say the others woke up to a surprise that morning.